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my heart is aching.. sigh why is this so hard could someone tell me.

ignore and do the right thing. but the right thing is always the hardest.

tuesday going on wednesday, and i realized my feelings for this boy seems to be going in circles. i was laughing too much that i actually wanna cry, and i was too, enjoying myself rather too much. this, is also a struggle, a struggle to keep unnecessary emotions from overflowing. i knew i would be the one hurt in the end, no matter what the outcome turns out to be, and that is really the last thing i wanted to happen. but feelings and feelings, emotions are emotions, and you cant just say, ‘i will feel this way’ and then, everything will follow suit. or cant you? could someone teach me please.

-

is this the path that i’m really going to take in august? i feel like i’m standing at a crossroad. i feel empty. i feel confused. i feel.. scared. i feel lonely. till when will i have enough courage to face up to my decisions?

it’s like,

i have decided i’m no longer going to carry on this stupid and silly infatuation. to him, i’m just a naive and small girl who doesnt thinks. haven i long decided in the previous posts? then why this pain? i’m just not strong enough, i never was. it’s all talk and no action.

i have decided to go into this course, since it seems like god is giving me another chance, a chance to undo a mistake, a chance to start anew, a chance to give me more hope, a chance to achieve what i want. but i’m having doubts on my capabilites, i dont trust myself. and all thanks to all those remarks and comments given by my lovely colleagues, i could feel myself withdrawing, wanting to take the sweet handed out to me but being hesitant, being afraid.

i just need some strength. to be strong enough to walk through these remaining two months. thats all i’m asking for. i want to be able to have peace with myself at last.

; love is giving a person the power to hurt you.. but trusting him not to.

another 28 days, and 1/2 a year would have just slipped under our noses, and we wouldnt even notice it. this is reality, it’s so scary sometimes isnt it. if someone would to ask me, what have i accomplished for these 6 months.. seriously, i’m not able to think of an answer to defend myself that i wasnt slacking. these past year has been a blur. i cant keep track of what i always seem to be doing, be it mugging hard for exams during the first two months, contracting that awful chicken pox, spending a dull, sullen new year filled with movies and junkfood, which causes the first breakout a week later. now, i’m nursing the second breakout. (speaking of which, it was so bad that i’m feeling so terribly depressed and i even proceed to start eating my anti-biotics again.) - sigh. haven i been doing anything fruitful and worth putting down in colourful words? even graduation seem so faraway, and work at LS seems so so distant. i have alot of misses, plenty of uncountable ones but it was all thoughts and voice but no action. no effort in meeting up, or replying to texts nor simply keeping in touch with ‘how are yous’, ‘oh i miss yous’. mostly what i’m best at doing is to whine and simply sit there doing absolutely nothing about it, except to rant, to kick up some fuss to anyone who would listen at the moment. it’s pathetic, really.

and i am so so broke right now that i feel it’ve been a really bad day though i laughed so much till i choked on my distilled water today, and he had to pat on my back mulitple times to get my windpipe clear again.

; i cant believe Father Day’s coming soon, i just cant.

gone will be the days i turned away, disappointed, envious, jealous, unhappy, upset, angry.

i will be perky, cheerful, smiley and laughing all the way.

heh, well, hope that would really happen or make that a very sulky me. :)

p.s. i’m just dying for some good fruitful shopping! sigh, and my complexion still sucks. the green mask and apirin didnt help much *pout*

but, to the hell with it!

.
.
.

.. as if.

for some reason or so, this time round, i want to do something, salvage something, change something. i dont want another wave of regrets and longing to hit me later. but yet, i know i shouldnt move forward in this, i shouldnt change anything though i badly want to. i guessed, i’m being afraid of the outcome, i’m a coward, i’m just a coward.

i hate the way i have to be all the time, being so guarded everytime i speak to you, i cant show you the most inner part of me, i have to pull the cover on and hide, just so you wouldnt know.

hello there,
it’s the night again.
everytime at this hour, you would be under your covers, in your sweet slumber.
what are you dreaming of right now?

i cant help, but want to know, do i have a place in your heart, if not just one tiny corner.

.. but i guess, not.

one step away, baby steps. i will get through this. i have more important things to achieve and look forward to, i tell myself.

it’s feels rather great to be back to work and the yummy curry puffs that one of the perm staff always bought us every friday was the highlight. and today we got free m&m cookies and cranberry shortcake biscuits too! omg, i just realized, they are all sources of heatiness! i love fridays, except i dont actually like casual-clothes day cos i got limited casual clothes to wear.

-

it’s strange how a somewhat amazing day (filled with talks, rumbles, jokes and laughter with him) could end so disappointedly. but right now, it feels somewhat better, for which i’m glad.

i thought alot just now, when i was at WS library flipping through the rows and rows of books, i thought about this speedy friendship, about how it had progressed ever since day 1, when i first sat beside him in the waiting area, or when we sat together again in the meeting room, how well we clicked over random first-meeting chats. i guessed it wasnt surprising, he just click well with everybody, not just me. to him, i was just another person who he can make fun of and bully. we did talk more today, and i finally bought that question bouncing in my head for weeks out. the answer surprises me, and i almost could feel my heart dropping to the ground. but what was i expecting exactly? what was i hoping for?

all i know is, our barely two-months neutral friendship can never compete with a 3 years long relationship.

it is simply a crush, i’m telling myself. a spark of interest flaming inside my heart. and it’s time this spark spluttered and died. from now on, i will take this friendship lightly, i will just enjoy the company, the advices, the mockings, the teasings, the jokes easily. just enjoy and be neutral. that will be painful, but i will live, wont i? :)

as usual, what doesnt kills me, will make me stronger.

this is just a summer crush, with one outcome: i will be the one walking away.

and when i’m depressed, i shopped. this explains the depleting bank account at the moment. sigh, and i need to fatten it up.

right now, it just seems to me that i’m the one attracting all these loathesome problems onto myself. i’m at fault, i’m at fault. i should make myself immune to crushes, you know.

you know what hurts the most? it’s when you want something but it can never be yours. HAHAHAHA, oh my, what exactly do i want now?

i can never be satisfied nor contented, life’s annoying like that.

how i wish i can just chuck these feelings away, i dont want it at all. cos as i had said before, he’s not the kind of guy i would have like. but well well well..

sigh, why these damn things always keep happening?!

okay, just walk away. :)

1. the three of us went down to SIM today for the briefing/interview. it turns out rather great, except that the fees are slightly steeper than we first thought. the lecturers were great :D i would most likely take this offer but then again, there are still some doubts flying around in circles.

- i wont be able to work part-time as planned
- i will have to work REALLY HARD, like a starved dog. seriously.
- i have to save loads of money from today onwards. no more buying clothes :( and it’s the GSS right now shit.
- i will have to go for classes from monday to friday, and reached by 825AM sharp. everyday.

2. uni matters aside, today is also a happy day cos someone called me 3 times :)

he even asked about the course and all that, and it might not mean anything, but it shows something at least doesnt it. (someone poke me awake pls!)

3. we have LJS for lunch and the $5.10 meal really makes me wanna puke.

4. shopping after that! sigh, the biggest shame of all. but i bought a cardigan thats all =x the painful thing was, not able to buy whatever thing that caught your eyes! could you imagine me with no income? i cant, really. :(

5. i need to stop having false hopes. some things just wont work out simply by wishing and hoping. it’s so damn pointless. and what gets you at the end? only disappointment.

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