25/11/2008, it’s amazing how fast time seems to run and how i would always, always lost track of time somewhere in the middle. it feels like i’ve forgotten the need to remember the dates. perhaps, i dont even want to know?

i decided to skip school today, only a 2-hour study skills lecture which so far had proved to be a total waste of time. the phlegm in my throat still wouldnt be puke out or go away. i woke up in a spluttering cough and i couldnt even swallowed hard. i would be studying my econs now if not for my dear brother hogging on to his beloved one-day-old PS3 in my room.

and oh yes, i cut my hair yesterday. before that, i can hardly remembered when was the last time i had chopped my hair. during january maybe..? oh the horror. anyway the hairdresser was my mum’s friend, someone who i had let cut my hair a couple of time over these years - and though i never really like the results of her hair-chopping, i decided to tag along for the haircut anyway cuz i dont fancy going to unknown hair salons and then, coming out with hair that couldnt get any weirder - after a wash especially. dont you guys realized that the hair that we walked out the salons with our heads becomes uh, different right after we went home to wash it? it is still a mystery to this day, i never knew why. .. and my hair is all light and swishy (not in a delightful hair-commercial way) but i reckon (imitating my caucasian lecturer) that the AFTER picture should be better than the BEFORE. hee.

in need for a good spine-tingling thriller? Preston and Child never fails me. :) and right now, Child’s Death Match is sitting opened in my lap!

p.s.Ma is out on a job search. please please wish her best of luck!

sigh-ed. you’re still in my mind. how can this be..? two years and counting. perhaps more. i lost track of count. i still miss you. do i really? boy, i must be terribly lonely to even be thinking this.

love yourself more, when there’s nobody to love you.

this place seems so foreign now. i could simply just forget how this blog of mine looks like!

was browsing through my entires a few seconds ago and guess what? i can really copy-and-paste an entire chunk of sentences to show you how my life still stops at that particular moment, unchanged.

it feels like ages since i entered in the link of this journal. life, is very mundane. it’s all about school, friends and family. whether i have time to gobble down breakfast, what to have for lunch, if i want to stay back in school to study with the gang, if i can find a seat on the train, if i can still pay my citibank card bills with my allowance, why-am i-still-shopping thoughts, meeting Jas, trying to mug 4 hours a day, trying to restrict my spending yada yada. and on yes, worrying about those oil seeds popping up my face. :(

life is still the same, funny how i thought perhaps a break would do me good. i will come back with surprises, happy thoughts, bright smile, cheerful words… but things seems to be where i had left off. i still worry about the same stuff everyday. i still spent like crazy, i’m still terribly broke, i’m flunking my tests all over the place, i still have trouble mixing around, i still struggle with meeting deadlines for my bills payments. sucks or what? but i still believe, right round a corner, lies my happiness, where i will slowly find a way back to myself.

perhaps the only main difference is.. i’m just recovering from a very bad cough/sore throat/flu. gah.

-

it feels like manymanymany years since our story fell apart with an unhappily after, yet at the same time, it feels just like yesterday. silly, i still remember your face, how your skin feels under my fingertips, how i used those very hands to run through your spiky hair, caress your face, kiss those very lips. they say you’ll never forget your first love. perhaps there’s really some truth to it. i never did forget, you’re just buried at the back of my mind, at the bottom of my heart, behind a locked door.

saw your pictures tonight, perhaps it’s your motive, or simply just a purely innocent concidence, i dont know. i probably shouldnt care, i probably shouldnt even asked to take a look at your photos. but i couldnt resist, i just looked anyway. - you looked good, great even. happy faces, smooth skin, tall muscular body, cheeky grin; you look like someone worth a second look. i was mesmerized, i was awestruck. i knew it was a mistake choosing to look at the you now. somehow, it makes me feel even more depressed. silly yes? you bastard.

now now.. dont get me wrong. i’m just ranting. :) but i know for somewhat, the reason why i still kept all your numbers regardless all these while, that i’m still the fool i am back then. - i hasnt changed. not as much as you’ve changed anyway.

now, where’s the kiddy boy i’ve remembered?

p.s. please let Ma find a job of her liking soon :(

Dear Diary,

it had been an extremely brain-draining, mind-wrecking week. Pa’s first year anniversary fell on the 12th of october, which we had the rituals and everything done on a sunday and Ma says, now he is finally together with Grandma and Grandpa. it seems like i’m feeling sadder and sadder day by day. i cant forget. it’s too hard, too painful, it still is. nobody probably care enough, though consoling words is what i had heard enough. even J dont understand, he just laugh it off. perhaps he is trying to liven up the mood, to make me feel better. but of all people, i seek more consolence from him. i thought that him, of all people should understand. him, of all people should know what i need arent those words i heard everyday. him, of all people to hear me rant and allow me to. i guess, as we grow up, people who we always thought will stay the same, will always be there  - wont be there forever afterall. nothing last forever is the truest fact in history.

…

we finally finished our test this wednesday, and our econs’ results was out yesterday. a pathetic 8% was what i achieved for desperately mugging for the last few hours of the sunday. i did study econs on a normal days, but quantity doesnt always mean quality, so i guessed i have alot to catch up on making a strategic plan to study better in a short amount of time. i need progress, progress, progress! studying with the gang always doesnt seems productive, so recently, i’ve been heading off early to mug alone at Macs or BK. peace seems to find me only then. i like being alone sometimes, cos i realized how easily i can be influence by my peers. i’m not too fond of that side of me either, believe me.

caught Eagle Eye last week cos concidentally, i bumped into Pei and her friend at the bus stop. so together, we went to Starbucks where i met this crazy asshole who cheated me of my 2 bucks (which i can use to buy french fries ok), and amazingly (!!!!) i finished the tall Java Chips i’ve ordered. Java Chip is the love of my life. yum! afterwhich, we went to catch the movie which was rather A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! <3 another must-watch!

damn broke for words, rawr. lots of things to scribble, another day perhaps.

my favourite song this week. on repeat mode, yeah:

当你决定你要离开我
我没有说什么
就当作你自由
有好几次我都想挽留
哭求也没有用
就当作是寂寞
因为我能明白他的温柔对你是种解脱
就坦白告诉我谁是你的最爱
其实你很爱他对我的惩罚
说你没有想他是可怜我吧
我已没有借口只能放手
不敢奢求你说爱我
其实你很爱他他很温柔吗
其实你很想他就说出口吧
我已不想多说捂朵
不想再次听到你说你很爱他

sunday afternoon; i should be busy, studiously mugging for my econs, which i have both a lecture and tutorial tomorrow. i should be readying myself to tackle all the questions that he will be shooting at me. i should be trying, striving, struggle, till i can no longer. but i’m feeling naseous, and not well at all.

i dreamt of Pa yesterday, because i asked him to give me one last night.

he was boarding the bus that Ma and I were both on, wearing his checkered blue shirt and black trousers. he lifted his head up, looked at us, and smiled. and then, he sat in front of us. i didnt know why we didnt talk to him. as the bus moved along, it arrived to this stop. Pa got up, turned to say: "Goodbye." , and he alighted the bus.

goodbye, what a word of finality.

Ma said that it was his way of telling us that he is good now, up in heaven.

this was last night.

just sometime this week, a few days ago, i dreamt about him again:

Pa was lying on his bed, at home and Ma is using a cloth to wipe his face. and then, a tear rolled down his cheek.

2 dreams in a week. Pa, would you give me somemore? i will never have enough.

-

i should go and mug, so that perhaps then i will be one step closer to my goal to make you proud.

sometimes i have these feelings of guilt overwhelming me.

like just a few minutes ago, Mum woke up, and sat on the sofa to talk to me. i was very vague and all and did not give her my full attention. i felt really, extremely bad now. what kind of daughter am i being to an excellent mother who is always trying to give me the best? she pays for my bills, my demanding needs, my daily expenses, and all. she lectures me when i am wrong, when i have no confidence in myself (like practically all the time!), she listens to me whine everyday, just be there for me, consoles me when it’s suppose to be the other way around.

why am i always venting some other sort of frustration on other people? i’m sorry, Mummy.

-

yes, thats me.

-

i tried to tell a few people how wrecked i am feeling tonight. tried. i did, really. pausing, typing and punching the ‘backspace’ button multiple times. but the sentence still doesnt formed. it was now that i realized, how much i need my listener.

just listen, will you? i dont even have a proper listener now. everyone seems to be obsessing with their own problems lately - well, how can i blame them? my world doesnt evolved around theirs.

-

i find cinemas the weirdest place around. i cried the most easily inside the cold, buzzing, dark room. perhaps, thats because nobody can see the tears. - i love you, so much it still aches. the one year mark is coming soon and the unusual sense of loss is brewing up inside..

i dont know how/why/what. 

emo. i should be feeling tons better.

it feels like i havent been writing for the longest time. i’m still composing loads of entries in my head, drafts in my handphone whenever i feel that there is something i certainly must say or i will suffocate; i’m still travelling to and fro to clementi everyday and can now almost feel clementi like it’s part of me - ha ha, or maybe not, i’m still finding it rather tough to engage myself in conversations with my new group of friends. they’re likeable, friendly, clowns, but i’m still a tad uncomfortable with talking to guys i had barely known. well, i’m just relying on time to let me pass this awful and silly phase - tomorrow will be a better day i still believe.

these days i’ve been wearing my spectacles dutifully - the order for my contacts still hasnt come in yet!!!!!! but i kind of like myself in specs now, dont ask me why! this month left me feeling emotionally and mentally wrecked. school is getting tougher, and yes, university is soooo much different from those good old poly days. poly seems so chicken feet now. oh well. what to expect?

i’m terribly excited about the movie Twillight that’s coming out in December. the stupid thing was, i was going to get the book about 3-4 months ago at Kino, where it only cost 13 bucks then. now, it cost 17 and i’m thinking if i should buy a book that is over 15 bucks that i had read before. haha, let me apply my lousy baby econs skills. due to the high demand, it’s more expensive!!!! not sure if i’m correct but what the hell hahahaha. it’s saturday and i got lecture on 830am in the morning, ugh. and 130pm tutorial class! and it’s ECONS.

some way to begin my supposedly sleep-in day.

-

6 Sept
Happy Birthday, me.

p.s. he remembered my birthday. it seems like a shock, and sadly, it only prove that besides the fact that he have a fantastic memory, there is nothing else. it’s finished, it’s over, even our friendship is at rocks, disappearing softly over the edge before we could even feel it. time and distance always does wonders, which never fails to amaze me. though i’ve tried, and perhaps he did too, on his own pigheaded part, it was all for nothing, and i’ve truly left with no backward glances. which was good isnt it? now, my studies is my top-priority.

p.s.s. present i wanted.<3

to a certain guy, who never fails to wish me every year when the clock strikes 12 first thing on a 6 Sept midnight. - :) and to everyone who wishes me too! yes, this girl here is officially 20! the big fat 2. :( but the heart stays young ok!

30 August
Happy Birthday, Daddy.

in another 4 weeks’ time, it will be a year. mixed feelings. empty thoughts. trembling hands. - i cant believe this. it still feels like yesterday. it still hurt like yesterday.

i just realized today is Happy Father’s Day.

Pa, are you celebrating in heaven right now? i hope you are. today is one of your day too.
nothing i could say here that could describe how i feel. words failed me terribly. but here i am, wishing that i could still feel you. i still believe that one day, we will meet again, high above the clouds. wait for me will you?

Pa, Happy Father’s Day. - I love you

-

i’m looking forward to monday and J just called me crazy cos of that. :) you know, suddenly, i can see myself taking a step together with him. but let’s not be hasty here and let nature take its course. 

today was awesome cos i did washing-up with my bare hands of all the black clothes hanging in the bathroom! and i cleared up 50% of the mess from my bed. i didnt sleep at all in the afternoon and i’ve even managed to catch up with my book, The Amber Spyglass - i’ve been putting it off for far too long.

and as much as i want to go out and immense myself in the beckoning arms of GSS, i’m forcing myself to stay home so i can save some money. i’m very broke now, indeed. :(

something random, i love this layout cos it totally hide the advert till the end. yay to layouts and talented people! <3

oh yes, i caught It’s a Boy Girl Thing movie on HBO just now during dinner of ban mian + red ruby dessert and it was totally sweet. nothing beats a saturday night spent at home with good food and great company of sister, bro and baby :) - and a great movie too! i like.
 

to you, my dear Pa:

how’s heaven treating you? i expect it to be this amazing, amazing beautiful place with a scenery ten times nicer than a postcard. it should be so wonderful that i cant even imagine it. a place where peace surrounds, where you can watch your favourite soccer games, drink your favourite beer, play your favourite chess, without worrying. i would like to imagine you being being free.

life hasnt been good so far these days, but i will be strong, and fight back. life hasnt been so good cos you’re not here with us. the ache in my heart, it’s constantly there. the longing to rub your rough palms, it’s constantly there. many times a day, i will wonder about you. wonder what you must be doing right now, and i will imagine your face, your smile, the way you feel. today i was just gazing up through my windows into the bright blue sky, dotted with clouds like cotton candy, and i thought of you. i gazed for moments too long, and as i watched, i was imagining you watching me, laughing at the stupid mistakes i’m making at work, shaking your head at this silly daughter of yours. when will i ever learn?, you could have thought. .. and then i realized, i’m thinking too faraway.

i had a talk with Z just the other day, sharing stories about you, and his Mum, and somehow, talking to someone who completely understands me, works. he understands, he knows how it feels. and right then at the moment i feel like i could cry. not many people can understand the cloud hanging over our heads, sure, they say they could, they say it will pass, they say i must be strong, they say you wouldnt want to see me like that, all broken and useless. they always says the same thing. be strong, it will get better, blah blah. but actually, to me, all these are just gibberish. they could imagine how it feels like, they can sympathize, they can show their concern, console you and such, but do they know, when they do that, i feel even worse. most of the time, i’m just seeking endless reassurance.

i know you wouldnt want to see me like that, i know you want the best for us. i know you want to be here too, it’s just that, you have to leave first. 

and Pa, you know what, Dajie is getting engaged on the 7th of September this year. i know you would want to be there too, i know.

Pa, i love you - if only time could rewind, and i would press stop. let it just stop at that moment forever and ever.

life is weird. i’m feeling just a teeny bit sulky right now. how could it happened when just a while ago i was flying through the clouds, with the world under my feet?

i realized i have alot of expectations on myself, just that i had never meet them properly.

it had been a while since i write about you, Pa.

nothing seems to change, yet everything had. how could time had passed so fast without your existence, i wonder? i miss you dearly, miss you like it was like the first day. the first day when i knew what hell really meant. how can i ever laugh when you’re never coming home again? now that i thought about it, i really wondered. wonder how things which i had deemed as impossible started being the exact opposite? are humans like this, meant to adapt quickly to whatever situation or environment just as long as the clock never stops? i hate to think that i’m laughing through my life while you’re not here to share those ridiculous jokes with me. i know you would have laughed, you would wont you?

and i hate to think that everything is continuously changing, without you here, witnessing it, feeling it, being in it.

.. Pa, you would have been happy for me today wont you? i hope i didnt disappoint you, i hope i had done you proud.

let’s just say perky morning :)

but in actual fact, i’m feeling anything but that. my eyes is blinking dry, and i just feel so so so tired. i didnt have a good sleep last night and today just dont feel very uh, graduation-y. oh, it’s graduation! again, i’m feeling anything but that.

i’m all butterflies right now, feeling the jitters of excitement and nervousness. i hate feeling this way. i hate not being in control of my emotions. but i just cant push back these feelings and say. ‘no, it doesnt bothers me.’ it did, and i’m so so nervous. nervous about meeting my classmates for what seem like the longest time, nervous that my mum, aunt and cousins would be bored to death, nervous about not taking enough pictures, nervous about tripping on my feet when i went up the stage to collect the folder. sigh!

UPDATE:

i’m back and no, i did not tripped over my own feet while my heels clacked over the red carpet, in case you’re wondering. in fact, today is one of the sweetest day ever and i’m sure im gonna be missing it over the long run. i love today! the robe turned out rather nice and i loved the photos that i took with Mum, and my friends. :) fish and co dinner of seafood platter which i shared with Ping was rather gross at the end, but i enjoyed the kola tonic. next outing? boy, i cant wait :)

and i’m incredibly touched that Mum and Jes came down, even if it’s only for a short while. loveeee. Pa, did you see me on stage today? somehow, i got this feeling that you were there. arent you?

today made me realized alot of things. it made me understand that i do have alot of choices actually. why bother sulking over one particular person who will just be a waste of time and feelings in the end while i do have the choice to turn my attentions to someone who is always so awfully lovely to me. aw, i like this feeling. i like smiling over at you when our eyes met, i like standing beside you, looking up and seeing you grinning down at me. i love your smile.

i’ve been struggling my feelings for you for the longest time and each time, when i backtracked, my eyes will be filled with more visions of you.

do you still remember the day. the day when you typed me the longest and sweetest message ever and told me, i like you.

 

SHOUTOUT: HEH, I’M FINALLY AND OFFICIALLY OUT!

i dont know; the little blue MSN window pops up, featuring the two faces who used to be categorized under my good friends list. i click it, and now, i’m staring at that little picture on the top right corner sadly. i missed you guys. i missed our KTV moments, our giggles and talks, our movie dates, taxi rides, i missed missed working in K Cafe with you all. now, in just a flicker, a few changes, and then, things will never be the same again. we hardly even talked now. how are you, W? i missed you like crazy. i remembered how we met, in the weirdest place, the hotel i hated working at most. i remembered how we bond over cleaning the manager’s office, polishing wine and water glasses with a linen cloth and a flask of hot water in the kitchen. i remembered how you introduced me to your new job and how i’ve grown to like it there, meeting the few others. how we talked over our crushes, dates, heartbreaks; and so so many others.

i just want to say, i thought about you tonight. it’s funny how i could be feeling sad and happy just by seeing your tiny picture. your smiling faces. you’re happy with D arent you? i’m really glad things turned out fantastic for you two sweethearts. i remembered bumping into both of you in february, and our faces breaking into grins and fingers fluttering in a wave. but we never did speak. if i have that once chance to be your friend again, then, i must be very blessed for sure. for all we know, but that will never happened anytime soon, right god?

i guess.

i just remembered the other day, i was listening to that song on my ipod. and then, somehow, i found myself pressing the BACK button whenever the song finished and the next song came on. you know why.. ? that’s because you once told me you love that song so and i just felt like immensing in memories of you just then. that was on just another particular peaceful day.

-

i just had a talk with Jes on the phone, talking about uni life and stuff like that, and you know what, upon hearing what she said, i suddenly find that this path that i’m planning to embark on right now seems very scary and uncertain. is this what i really want? i find this question popping into my head constantly. girl, is that what you really want? now, what do you really want? the questions flowing in are endless, and i have this feeling that i might not be able to get the answer after months later. i’m afraid of changes, i’m afraid that i’m risking the whole lot of $24,000 odd dollars and time spent on something that i shouldnt even have thought of touching in the first place. that’s a whole lot of risk involved. especially, a part of the of money that Pa had left for us. and whatever am i planning to do with the money? on my stupid maybe-it-shouldnt-have-happened education.

i know i shouldnt be thinking this way, but the other side of me says, yes that’s exactly what you are doing. wasting the money not meant to be. right now, the thought that i can actually go uni is based on the fact that Pa had gone away and that tragedy is the reason why i can actually start thinking of furthuring my education. somehow, it feels very evil and ironic dont you think.

it scares me, like how everything is scaring me at the moment. this feels like a moment of insecurities, uncertainity and i feel very unsafe.

Pa, i feel like i’m doing the wrong things, making the wrong decision. maybe this is not a risk that i can bet on; it’s like a heavy weight upon me, so heavy to bear.

i’m very confused; please, dont make me make the wrong decision. please, guide me. please, give me a sign.

今天底确是一个开心的日子 =）
下着雨的天气也底确很累，让人都不想出门了呢

开心~~ 该怎么说呢 — 成绩出来了喔！虽然as usual，还是很烂啦 可是勉勉强强还pass了。我，也应该感到欣慰了，满足了。在一次大声的宣布：我终于要毕业了！！啊~ 好开心好开心好兴奋！但是我现在也好头痛；应该距续读书吧？！还是应该找工作为上则呢？！

我不像大家，都有自己的理想，知道自己以后要做什么
这中感觉实在很差

**

oh, and i went facial today. after like, so many months of not going for one, the thought of suddenly having someone poking a sharp steel into my skin is so scary. and it was indeed very very painful. oh, what girls would bear for the sake of vanity is quite shuddering sometimes. thus right now, my skin is in quite a bad, patchy and red state. lets see how it will look like tomorrow morning, before i decide to go for it the next time.

mum cooked chicken rice today and it was indeed terrific (:

JT and i went to SIM after IT fair the other day. we mostly went there to collect the stacks of brochures and to check out the courses that are available. and frankly, i kind of know what i want; it’s just a matter of whether i want to pick UOL or RMIT and if i went to start school immediately this coming july or to wait out for the january 2009 intake. oh come on, i really need to make a decision fast — 31 march is coming before i even feel it!!

OK, back to reading FairyTail and checking out the courses of SIM online!..

**

anyway, i really like this story i found online. it’s a little long, but it’s really sweet :)

我告訴你說：「我今天掃樓梯時，差點從樓上摔下來。」
本來我以為你會安慰說：親愛的，小心點。但，你說：「掃慢一點不得了。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不在乎我。後來，我發現我們的樓梯異常的乾淨，乾淨的都不用我掃，
一個月後我才發現，那是你每二天抽出五分鐘的結果。
原來你是愛我的，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我的車子壞了，我走了半小時的路才走到車站。」
本來我以為你會關心說：怎麼不坐計程車，妳累不累。但，你說：「反正很近，妳也順便減肥。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不關心我。第二天，我發現你留在桌上的你的車鑰匙，以及為我準備的豐富早點，
我才發現，原來你是愛我的，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我的青菜炒焦了，你忍耐點吃。」
本來我以為你會安慰說：沒關係，只要妳炒的菜我都愛。但，你說：「一看就不想吃了，實在沒味口。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不疼我。後來，我才發現每次想丟掉的菜，都在進垃圾筒前憑空不見了，你的嘴留有氣味，你的唇留有証據．
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我想要去北海道、荷蘭等國家欣賞那一大片壯觀的花海。」
本來我以為你會關心說：妳想去哪，我們來計劃計劃，即使是敷衍幾句了事也好。但，你說：「真是無聊，花大把的銀子去那種無聊的地方。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不懂我。後來，我發現家裡的旅遊雜誌，不管是國外還是國內的報導，
只要是有賞花介紹的那一頁，頁角就有摺痕，頁面就有你的筆記記錄。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我的頭髮掉的好嚴重，可是醫生都說沒怎樣，我好怕我會變禿頭。」
本來我以為你會安慰我說：哪有，妳頭髮看來還是很多。但，你說：「妳這才知道妳的頭髮亂掉，家裡的地板都是妳的頭髮，好髒。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不在乎我。後來，我發現家裡的地板少了很多我的掉髮，我以為我真的不再掉髮了，所以我開始有了不會禿頭的自信．但，在你出差的那幾天裡，我才發現地板的頭髮又變多了，圾筒裡也找到一堆用報紙覆蓋住的毛髮。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我跟朋友出去，晚上會晚點回來。」
本來我以為你會關心我說：跟誰出去？小心點，記得撥電話或早點回家等問話。但，你說：「隨便妳，妳高興就好。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不關心我。後來，我在負氣拖到半夜３點才回家時，我看到你坐在沙發上的睡容。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我的MC來了，肚子好痛。」
本來我以為你會安慰我說：忍一忍，一天就過了。但，你說：「女人真麻煩，受不了。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不疼我。後來，家裡的零食櫃裡多了好多巧克力及紅豆，
是你買的，但你一直沒吃，直到一個月過了，你在我月事的前後一星期，卻天天煮著紅豆湯．
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只 不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「這是我為你挑選的外套，是從去年換季就買的，藏了一年，現在新的冬天將來，我將這一季的第一股溫暖獻給你。」
本來我以為你會感性的回答我說：謝謝妳，親愛的，這是我一季的溫暖也是一輩子的回憶。但，你說：「還不是撈換季大拍賣的便宜。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不懂我。後來，冬天過了，春天的腳步走到了五月底，我卻還常看見那件我認為愛的外套，你認為便宜的外套，穿在你身上，我想了想，數了數，才驚覺那件外套幾乎天天伴著你上班下班，出門進門。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「今天主日崇拜的詩歌好好聽，讓我好感動。」
本來我以為你會關心我說：要不要去問問是哪一本哪一系列的詩歌，我們去買ＣＤ回來聽。
但，你說：「每一首歌聽來，還不是都差不多。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不在乎我。後來，我發現音響裡常傳出熟悉的音符，ＣＤ架上也多了一片新的詩歌ＣＤ。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我喜歡吃隔壁街角的那一家的涼麵。」
本來我以為你會告訴我說：那我們明天一起去吃好不好。但，你說：「整天就想著吃，也不想想自己的身材。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不關心我。後來，我發現你常常買很多芝麻醬花生醬及瓶瓶罐罐窩在廚房調一碗又一碗黑抹抹的醬。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同．

我告訴你說：「我真高興嫁給了你，你是最好的老公。」
本來我以為你也會開心的回答我說：我也是這麼覺得，妳是最好的老婆。但，你說：「嫁了都嫁了不然妳還想怎樣。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不懂我。後來，我在無意中發現你開始會在睡前用衛生紙擦拭著我們床頭上那張４０吋結婚照，然後微笑的望著照片傻笑好久．
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你 愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我想我終於懂了，在你不在乎的外表下，有顆不善用言詞表達的心，一顆最愛我的心，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

Thursday, 06.03.2008

thursday, another day. dizzy spells and stupid disturbing dreams. i woke up incredibly late today and slept again in the afternoon because i was feeling so cold and my head just hurts. not a very good day you see. everything just seems out-of-place.

had bubble tea at night! :) honey milk tea, my all-time favourite. and then, tom-yum for dinner. yum! 很好吃哦!

a friend mentioned about him yesterday. it feels very weird. i dont think i want to see him ever again. then again, i do want him to see how well i’m doing right now. then again, haha really? life is so contradicting. oh, is I am so contradicting 吧.

tomorrow will be another day spent at the stall. since it’s the last day and all, i should go, no matter i like it or not. 我要加油啊! :)

**

今天特别想你
好喜欢听你和妈以前的故事
没想到，我现在才开始喜欢听
人啊 每次都到了最后才有了觉悟

怎么都来得那么迟呢

想你的心情 你大概永远都不会知道吧。。？

 

（真是一个很愚蠢的问题啊）

Saturday, 01.03.08

我有一个坏习惯：
每晚，虽然已刷完牙了，我还是会因为受不了食物的诱惑而开始拿起垃圾往嘴里塞！我都懒得去数数看到底一天要刷几次牙了！
那，真的是one of my biggest坏习惯了！很讨人厌呢。。

唉，都不知道我到底何时能改掉这个只会浪费牙膏的坏习惯呢 – 呵呵！

**

and speaking of brushing teeth, i really should start bundling up my nerves to make a dentist appointment soon.

**

i went and caught L Change The World with Jas, YH and Xavier darling today. it was really gooooood, i love L’s character very much. it was only unfair that he have to die. why oh why. i was hoping that he wont, but everyone says he did, so ..oh ya. and i’m soooo chips overdose today, gah. we bought in alot of junkfood but chipster is really the next favourite chips - though i only tried the sour&cream flavor - i like how the taste is always consistent and just melt in your mouth! it’s better than nachos seriously. i’m never much of a nachos fan like almost everybody anyway, haha. but L movie is realllllyyyy good! everybody.should.go.watch.it.！ :)

**

time really flies. i cant believe it’s March 2008 already and i didnt even realized until like, now. it’s been how many days ever since ____(fill in the blank) already.. ? hello time, you’ve been gone so fast.

 

 

作晚 我梦见你那血淋淋的脸
就是不知为何 血越流越多
我想帮你止血 可是我越是抹 就越是抹不掉
我好害怕 你知道吗
因为 你在也没有张开眼
就好像 那一天

i’m feeling rather fainted right now.. exams are over and that’s really great - but the feeling that comes right after kind of sucks.. like, what should i be doing now? should i go look for another job? data-entry.. f&b.. or, back to tagging undies? there is truly arent any room for much choices, i realized. (-.-)

so, today is the first day of me, yet again relishing the freedom that i’m having at the moment. it’s really.. uh shiok. but i think i better start doing some housework soon! (damn my eyes are starting to i*** again)

**

 

想说， 我还是非常的想念你。。感觉上， 你以然在我的身旁
空气中， 还残留着你身上的香水味。。你。。 一直都在这吧？
在我摸不到，也看不到的地方

okay, it’s new year. i can still hear crackers exploding in the night air with a WHEEEEEEEEEE sound. one by one, they cheer in awe of a new year. WHEEEEEEEE, they went, and went..

what does year 2008 means to you? something to look forward to? to anticipate something refreshing, something fun, something nice, all sugary and with a bit of spice perhaps? and what does ending of the year 2007 means? what would come right after? an ending to a bad year and oh yay, it ends, meaning the worse would be over and now, would come the great things that you had been looking forward to?

i dont know what year 2008 means to me. today, it just feels like the ending to 12 months of bad bad days and at 12pm, when the clock strikes, the countdown started again, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and then it repeats over and over again, adding all days into weeks into months and then into the years. and the pattern continues..

what to look forward to this brand new year? yes, the number 2008 sounds refreshing enough, anything but 2007, anything but that bad bad year, filled with the worse days of my life. but 2008.. so what? i see people whoop and cheer, i see people hug and kiss in celebration that they could witness a brand new start together, and what filled their hearts are hope that this new year would bring better things.. leave all the sorrow, hatred, regret, anger, unhappiness and loneliness behind in that year, locked it, jumped into this new number with the key tossed behind.

i want to feel like them, whooping in glee and hope and love, to be swimming in that sea of familiar faces i loved and cared most about, feeling warm, safe and happy. i want to leave this jumble of mess behind and jumped right in after them before that hole of 2007 closes. but i cant. my body might have entered the 2008, but my heartstrings had tied my soul in the past, in 2007, trapped, waiting, staying, lingering, longing.. and hoping..

i cant bear to leave, not really; i dont want to step into another new year feeling incomplete, feeling lost. it feels like i’m betraying Pa and stepping furthur and furthur away from him.. as time ticks second by second away.. as i started writing dates with "2008" behind.. i wont get use to it, i’m not sure when i will ever be.

perhaps, an increment of a digit sparks more happiness, hope, joy, and laughter..

i would be lying if i said i’m not anticipating. but then again, i might be lying about that too.

-

short and brief about my last day in 2007:

1) i got back m-comm paper - i got 46 marks out of 50! whoopedooooooo, this made my day more than a waffle hotdog would seriouslyyy! :)
2) for the first time, i had my first Macs breakfast - alone. it was nice.
3) we closed shop at 8+ and it was fun hanging out and having supper at Macs during the last few hours left of 2007 with Shaz. including shopping! though, it’s a short while because all shops closed early, we had fun.
4) we talked, laughed, talked, while chewing fries, filet burger for her and nuggets for me and cokes for us both. we discovered that we are really alike. ahahahaha, it’s comforting knowing that you’re actually pretty normal and not a nutty as you previously thought.
5) My buys:
- Brown Crystal belt - omgomg i love this but i’m unsure if i can wear it.
- 5 mahjong papers - to wrap parcels
- Scotchtape - to stick mahjong paper together
- $128 worth of LS stuff - for sisters and i

6) regarding yesterday frigging issue with my big sister, the more i think about it, the more pissed i am. and she tried talking to me in this voice like i am a 3-year old this morning. excuse meeeeee. this makes me more pissed than ever. then, she want me to use the $50 she gave me for transport this month to buy her bras and that she will ‘pay back the remaining’. like hello, then why in the first place did you gave me the transport fee for? %^&#$@ and to think she got like, 2 or 3 months worth of bonus? dont give me money then.

-

okay, i know it’s very bad to be at loggerheads with your silbling during new year, but sometimes, circumstances cant be helped. i dont wanna be rude or anything but who starts this first by minding her bf’s blankie so much? yes you read correctly: a BLANKET.

yes yes, your bf’s blankettt is so frigging important and pure and clean.

haha, i’m being such a bitch on the first day of 2008.

-

new year resolutions! people make them every year, but they make them for fun and how many actually stick by it?

so i’m not going to be greedy and make a list of items that i would forever procastinate and never achieve. so.. just a few well-wishes for everybody!

.. May Ma be happier and may things go her way and runs a smooth path for her to walk on, more good people come and help along the way, may she dont worry so much and live each day with a spring in each step and may she be healthy and strong,

.. May my big hot-tempered sister grow more mature and be more sensitive,

.. May my second sister work higher up the ladder and perhaps, achieve her dreams of studying business, and do learn to be a better mother,

.. May my little brother play hard and work harder, make worthy friends in his remaining secondary school years, master his guitar, and be a more mature and sensible boy,

.. May my little nephew, xavier baby, my favourite boy continues to grow up as he is now - cheeky, happy and funny - and more less mischievous and thoughtful,

.. May my brother-in-law, though whom i dont converse much to, build up a steady carreer, be a better husband to my sister and a wonderful father to my nephew,

.. May i, be more thoughtful, responsible, cheerful, happy-go-lucky and less annoying, get mad less, take up some anger/frustration/patience management course, and be more hardworking and considerate! and perhaps more sociable than now. and be a better daughter, sister, aunt, colleague, friend.

.. May Pa, really rest in peace. and may you know that we missed you so. terribly. and we loved you so much.

.. and to my friends, and darlings, to be able to succeed in whatever they’re doing and happy working towards their goals!

 

God, just packed everything nasty, hurtful, unhappy and regretful away and rained some fairydust for everyone. 2008 marks a new start of a hope, that after the heavy down-pouring rain, indeed comes the rainbow. would you bring a better tomorrow than the yesterday?

 

"Friends are there to let you be yourself and to accept you for who you are now and whoever you may be tomorrow. it’s important to remember that people change and grow, and as friends we need to let them happen; we need to lend our support, not our critism."

you know what, i’m never buying sweet goodies for anyone ever again! those annoying little creatures that came marching into the packaging and i just threw out a perfectly lovely stars-and-rainbow-sprinkled donut out of the bag and into the garbage bin this afternoon - argh - and in the end, i had to squeeze the entire bag of muffins into the fridge but i’m worried. can anyone tell me would the muffins become spoiled if i do that? hell, i already did that! double arghhh.

since tomorrow is Christmas, we decided to do a little celebratory dinner at Hans tonight. and i tell you, i’m incredibly disappointed with the meal and the surroundings. the fish and chips that i ordered was so oily and greasy that i felt like throwing up after a few bites; the chestnut soup was also very weird (Hao agreed with me but the rest marvelled that it’s pretty good T_T), with random stuff swimming inside the creased creamy base and i just couldnt make myself finished drinking up the bottom of it; and the salad was sour (they agreed, i wouldnt touch that unless my life depended on it!), and the iced lemon tea was very weak and only has a vague taste. the surroundings? a fly kept coming and buzzing around our food! and the waiters and waitresses there just arent very bright. and the whole place just looked untidy and messy and not very clean..

but i will say i still love this dinner because it’s eaten with the people i loved most in the entire world. :)

and the entire trip back on Bus 39, i saw the beauty they make on the trees - the twinkling reds and yellows on it, followed by the random flash of whites.. it’s really lovely.

are you seeing all these too, Pa?

**

right now, there are 2 things that i would very much loved to apply: iBanking and CitiBank Clear Card! woots, i had filled out the credit card form halfway; it just need scans of my ic, student pass and Mum’s ic. Mum had agreed to let me sign up for the card and i even have her signature already! i just feel so lazy to drop by the photocopy shop to get the scans oh somebody kick my ass please. and the iBanking.. ? i wanted to sign it up online but i feared the lousy security internet always brings. okay, so this short paragraph here is to remind myself constantly that i need to get these pending stuffs done! and soon too!

**

i have this new stash of clothes and bags that i had never wore or bring out before. i keep them away lovingly, refusing to wear them fearing that if a special day suddenly comes around, i would have nothing nice to slip into. so, those stuffs are kept for the most busy and special occasions but you know what, the stash had been multiplying and accumulating all these months, still bearing their price tags, but somehow, that special occasion never did come around (what had i been up to all these months?!). and thus, i never had the chance to wear them out. so there they lay, folded or tangled up in piles on my unused bed on the upper decked, along-sided with my bags (small and big, used and unused) and school books, empty paper bags - forgotten. plus some tops are really my favourites but due to their bright colours, i would never get to put them on for at least a year.

bummer for me and yay for Jas as she could borrow and wear them whenever she digs something she likes out. this is really one super annoying habit of mine - i wished i could be other people, immediately wearing their newly bought clothes the very next day they bought it.

right now, i’m stuck with all creams, grays, blacks, whites, greens maybe and.. and.. okay, thats all.

**

i finished The Lovely Bones today. i wished my english is so powerful that i can understand each and every word the writer wrote. but the ending left me feeling stucked, confused and very gray. so, is this ending a happy one or a _______ (fill in the blanks) one? i do not understand it. and i wanted so much to. there’s a reason why i choose to borrow this book, choose to get my hands on this book no matter what: it speaks of death, the stream of events that followed due to this tragedy; it speaks of heaven, of the dead abling to see the living, know what they’re thinking, feel each particular thought; it speaks of not able to let go, the grief that went along everything, the sadness, the helplessness. the grief of both the dead and the living.. the love.. the might-have-beens.

it speaks of so many things that i wanted to know.

but of course, a book is just a book, written by a living - to what extent that whatever she wrote could be true?

i guessed, well, i’m just out seeking for some consolation.. and answers - perhaps?

i want to write something, to let you know that though things are definitely been smoother this past two weeks, it still arent the same and life still seems so out-of-ordinary. i want to be ordinary you know, just like any average girl wanting a family and just having the usual day-to-day happiness; of stepping out of the house and coming back knowing that the whole family is still here, everyone is still safe, warm and happy, and the moment you opened that door, you will see those smiling, familiar faces. it’s really frightening to know that how come when at so many moments of time before, you have that particular privilege, but you never cherished, you never thank god for giving you such simplest pleasures and you still blamed the world for being a tad unfair. you wanted more, you’re never satisfied, never contented. greed is such an awful sin, i feel now. and one day, that privilege that you think of as a right, vanished and disappeared out of your very eyes, lots of emotions will come swirling around you, embedding deep into your heart, digging a deeper hole each time and there it stays, there it lingers, torturing and tormenting you each and every day.

i still could remember that very moment, when i looked fiercely into that doctor’s pair of eyes through tear-filled eyes, daring him to tell me the worst. i was daring him, angrily using my stare to make him say something good. i dont believe god would be so unfair, i dont want to believe. i looked into those eyes, my heart pleading and thumping speedily, dreading the moment those words that would come out of that mouth. i could feel it, i could guess what he was going to say, because something was very wrong the way he tried to calm us down and fear was gripping painfully at my heart, twisting it, and i feel my surroundings going quiet and only the doctor’s words piercing into my ears.

just this evening, Ma asked me suddenly, ‘Do you think he is happy.. going away like that..?’

i swallowed hard and say yes, he should be, he no longer need to worry and stress over those debts..

but you know, i really dont know. God.. is Pa, at peace now? is he in heaven looking down at us? can he still see.. feel us? hear our thoughts? does he knows we’re missing him each and every second? does he..

does he..

Do you know how it feels like to be waiting and anticipating for something, someone, and constantly worrying whether your break time clashes? do you understand how it feels putting contacts just to look nicer in the morning and looking up every few minutes to search for the shop’s front for those familiar faces?

Do you know the the feeling of having the thought, ‘they’ll be here! soon. yup, probably on their way right now!’ passed through your mind a dozen times per hour? do you, do you? and the disappointment and confusion that washes over you after the crowd had cleared out, the metal door clanged shut and still, there’s no sign of them?

Yup, I did, today i felt them all.

1st optimistic thought of the day: oh never mind, i will get over it. in fact, i’m getting over it right now.

and then, when you came home, you’re all grumpy and gray and shrieked at your sister for wearing a top that you’re thinking of selling. for what? do i have to vent my irritation on others? what’s up with me.. afterwhich you felt guilty and tell her that nevermind, she can wear it anyway as long as she likes.

and then, you’re distant with your mother too, keeping your lips tight - you dont wish to say too much. what’s all these grumpiness about anyway? hormones overfried?

-

i met Serene for lunch today since she’s conveniently working at isetan! :) a quicky lunch - fish soup mee for her and tao suan for me and sticky bubble teas afterwards. Cat and Flora both drop by to visit too! it’s a happy day, seeing all those familiar faces.. :) i guessed there’s nothing i should be complaining. take this phrase, extract from my current favourtie book,

Take, for example, Elizabeth; she lies in bed worrying about car tax and phone bills, babysitters, paint colours. If you cant put magnolia on the wall then there are always a million other colours you can use, if you cant pay our phone bills then just write them letters telling them. I’m not playing down the importance of these things, yes you need money for food, yes you need food to survive, but you also need sleep to have energy, to smile to be happy, and to be happy so you can laugh, just so you dont keel over with a heart attack. People forget that they have options. And they forget that those things dont really matter. They should concentrate on what they have and not what they dont have. And by the way, wishing and dreaming doesnt mean concentrating on what you dont have, it’s positive thinking that encourages hoping and believing, not whinging and moaning.

i think i had mention this phase before, but i’m re-reading the book again, so there!

-

2nd optimistic thought of the day: 2 more days..! just 2 more days!

-

.
.
.

Dear Pa, i.. miss you so so much. Ma does it too, and just this afternoon, we both cried over you again. Ma sitting on the floor, and me, standing up. Ma was taking out that plank of tile that you had cut and intending to glue it back to the tileless part of the sink but never got the chance because you told Ma that one of these days, you guys can go to Si Ma Lu to purchase a stronger glue for both the sink in the kitchen and the bathroom. so many things that you had left behind. so many planned tasks and dates that you wanted to do soon, but never got the chance. one topic leads to the other and we started talking about the day before you went away - the places that you went, the things that you say and do.. Ma’s blaming herself but i think the blame should be inflicted more on me.. why hasnt i stopped you from ironing all your shirts and pants that day? why hasnt i bother to say, ‘Pa, take a rest.’ or even offered to help you? why am i always neglecting your needs, thinking you dont need them, thinking you’ll be okay? why am i so awful, dreadful and terrbily selfish? Dear Pa, you must be disappointed in having such a useless daughter like me. Dear Pa, have i disappoint you too many times but you never once did say? Did everytime i mention why you kept drinking and coming home late, or you cant even open the front door yourself, saddens you greatly? I’m feeling very miserable over all of these. i kept thinking about the things that i should have done, but never bothered to, about the times i only complain and complain but never did try to find the sole reason and only kept asking why. i never bother to ask if you’re tired out working and ‘Why dont you take a rest and we go out for a nice meal?’ so many things i never bothered to do.. and now, it’s all too late.

these tears should just keep falling and falling. i dont deserve to be your daughter. i had done too little, ask too little, care too little, share too little and complaint too frequently.. Pa.. Pa, would you ever know how sorry i am? how i wish to undo everything that i ever did to hurt you, how i wish i had a second chance.. just one more.. and i promised this time i will do it right.

Dear Pa, Ma is acting very strong on the surface. she is still going to her new job everyday, buy lunches for us when she comes back, cook us dinners, read newspaper and sleep at the same spot every night. But somehow, i sense a great sadness about her. she never often says how she is feeling, but after that talk we have about you this afternoon, i could hear her sniffing quietly in the kitchen. Dear Pa, everyone misses you very very much. i supposed, the person you cant let go would be Ma. but you need not worry, she still have us, i swear i will take good care of her. though she looks fine on the surface, i know how much she is greiving deep inside. she loves you alot you know.. though she’s always nagging at you.. but she loves loves you.

Dear Pa, xavier still remembers that you always take him to airport to watch the planes fly. he looks at your pictures, and still can call you ‘Gong Gong’. often, he will go to your altar and says things like, ‘GongGong, i’m going school now.’ i wonder if you can hear.. can see?

Dear Pa..

You know what! Today i’m feeling so lucky and happy. it’s such a lucky lucky day because m-comm paper is almost (almost) a breeze! i think i might just pass ;) but okay, let’s not jumble things up and just keep big mouth shut and fingers crossed tight for the second time!

somehow, i feel that someone is watching over me, keeping ugly questions away from my sight! but shhh, there’s still one more to conquer tomorrow before i can really kick my books and papers and pens under the bed! (since my bed is totally crammed full of my clothes/paper and plastic bags/books/bags/and more clothes!) yeah, if you can probably imagine the sight.. it totally resembles a pig sty :) - thankfully i’m not sleeping on it!

at this time, i supposed to be continuing studying BB for tomorrow 1230pm paper. but i will just take an hour break alright? i will strive on after i finish this post. hehhh.

recently, due to not needing to rush to work almost every evening, i get to watch Prince Jumong on the telly every night! he’s so cool and smart and clever and cute and so so intelligent i tell you. i really enjoy this show. tomorrow’s episode is gonna be totally fantastic! but guess what? i got to go back and hang bras and tag underwear tomorrow evening. :( wakey wakey, no more leave till 6 days later! ohmygod. i’m so not getting used to work. now, it feels like i’m no longer working already, haha, can you believe this fantasic feeling? but i need an income. so thou shall not complain and be miserable or angry over this. yes, i feel so sensible! on a happier thought, i feel this spark of excitement bubbling inside me at the thought of going back to see my colleagues and check out the new stock! :) and.. speaking of colleagues, i saw Flora in school today! i was crossing the bridge to get to my examination room while she’s heading out. such coincidence, i havent seen her in really a long long time. i was surprised that she could recognise me because i cant! nice surprises. she said she will drop by soon!

(i just realize this post is full of exclamation marks!!!)

anyway, i chanced upon this comment that speaks truely..

its not going to be easy and dont hasten this process of growing up. you will hurt you will get angry, you will cry, you will pine, you will long, then you will cry, you will get resentful, then its the same emotional ride all over again and you wonder why but you know why. everything happens for a reason.

.. short and sweet, but really quite true. though, depending whether you believe if all things happen for a reason. i believe but just that sometimes, the level of resentment overcomes sensible thoughts, and flipped the calmness in you. it’s like a switch, on and off, and sometimes with a flick, the switch just drown everything into darkness.

you know what.. ? oddly, it still feels very surreal and unacceptable.

wonder when this will last..

-

oh i love you. very very much.

you know what i really hate about a gloomy, gray and rainy day? the bout of itchiness and rashes that sets on my skin and continued to stay there even after bathe. god, i really hate that. and just about right now, i’m itchy at the arms and legs area.. which totally spoils the studying mood today! and it had been raining consistently these past few days - you really should imagine how itchy i feel. :( worse still, remedies like snake powder or skin cream dont help either. yes, they help cool the skin down, but heck, the itchiness and irritation comes right back after a few seconds. i really hate staying home and sitting down whole day long on rainy days! arghhhhhh. i dont feel fantastic right now.

anyway, after a whole day long of stuffing notes into my brain, they’re still swimming in endless circles inside my head right now. what i’m afraid is, these knowledge that i have just implant into my brain would continue swirling in my brain pools and refused to generate during the test tomorrow (okay, today, since it’s past 12)! oh no, i pray that that wont happen! i will take a deep breath and go through the notes again in the morning. it will be fine, it will be okay.. :)

like i had mentioned earlier, today 11/12/2007 marks a very important day. it’s the 49th day since Pa went away. in the morning at 7 o’clock, we’ll have to be at Mandai doing some offerings ritual. but i wont be going because the taxi will be packed - da, er, yh and xy (da’s boyfriend). so i supposed i will stay home and help out Mum and at the same time, wishing i was there, but telling myself never mind, i will be there soon. soon, Pa. can i tell you again how much i misses you, Mum misses you - everyone is missing you? something is always wrong without you. and there i was just now, studying in your bedroom, and for a brief moment, a thought slipped inside my head, going: ‘oh i must quickly packed up and move to the living room to study.. Pa will be home soon.’ there’s a known fact that i will never ever get used to life without you. Never.

you know what i am seriously hoping and praying right now? that you have reached that bridge like they said you would, on this 49th day, and you will drink the mengpo soup and forgets everything, forgets us, free from mortal sufferings. leave all this pain behind and embarks on a blissful trip to heaven and reunite with Ah ma - or something equally blissful. my head seems blank now, i dont know how this 49th day truly means and how i should be feeling about this. just one thing that i can be completely sure is that my heart aches and pins for you. to be right beside me, asking me to help you massage or scratch your back.. to call me ‘De’ again.. to remark teasingly that my hair is so long and that i should cut it short, like Mum’s.. to say again how much you like that food and if there are any leftovers, keep it inside the fridge and the next day you can eat again.. ..

the way you rubs your nose,
the way you adjusts your belt,
the way you shrugs,
the way you look whenever you play with xavier,
the way you stabs something with your fork and brings it to your lips,
the way you sit in front of the tv, with your favourite wineglass by your side, - ‘is that wine!?’  ‘no, it’s chrysanthmum tea.’
the way you gets up from bed,
the way you hug your bolster,
the way you always comb your hair smartly before work,
the way you look when you’re cycling,
the way you snores whenever you fall asleep on the sofa, on the bed,
the way you paints the walls,
the way you fixed those lights,
the way you look at Mum whenever you teases her,
the way you always eat, with a spoon and a fork,
the way you iron your shirts..

you know what, as these tears slip and splatter on the keyboard, i’m saying fiercely to myself, that i will never ever forget your every reaction, every expression, every laugh, every words, every movement. they’re imprinted in my heart, a part of me, and you know what Pa? one day, when my time finally comes to the end, i want to go up to wherever you are, hugs you tightly, breathes in your cologne, and be your Daddy’s Girl, to call you once again ‘Pa..!’, to ask for your forgiveness.. there are endless of things i wanna say to you. 

i remember on the night, the white door closed, and Da and me were left alone with Pa. there he rested, the white sheets pulled up to his chin, lying on the hospital bed. i remember seeing that pale face, those closed eyes, the same nose, same eyelashes, same hair, those lips.. i remember being in shock, still abit stunned and crying silently.. Da was saying to me, ‘Doesnt he looks like he’s sleeping..?’ and i agreed. and then something shook us and we collapsed to our knees, crying out for Pa, saying we’re so sorry, asking for his forgiveness, that we’re forever so ignorant. which just wasnt an excuse. and then, the people came in with this large metal box.. we kept on hitting the door button, not wanting the door to be closed, so we could see everything, whatever they’re doing to Pa.. that’s when the hospital man beside us said, ‘let the doors closed, let them do their work.’ we obeyed. and when the doors opened again, Pa’s gone, and the metal box was carried out. we sat on the van with Pa (without the metal box) and on the entire way home, i was chanting ‘Pa, let’s go home. We’re going home.’ non-stop. and then when we reached below the block, i saw that the yellow banners and shelters were being set-up. it was still feeling like a nightmare, as it did now, on this rainy gray day. it’s gloomy, it’s .. and i think the strongest and the saddest person is Mum. throughout the whole wake and even till now, she’s incredibly strong and tough. i’m so proud of you, Mum. but at the same time, she worries me the most. she’s the most important person in my life right now. i pray for her day and night, that the one up above will continue to bless her with all the good things in life - she’e been through too much, my Mum.

i dont know why i’m writing all these down suddenly. maybe it’s because i dont want to forget. each dreadful moment, each second passed with tears, i want to remember them forever. i want to learn fully what this lesson is teaching me. it’s teaching me something priceless, invaluable, something paid so harshly, so highly, something paid with the father, husband, grandpa we love - something about love, appreciation, regrets, forgiveness, cherishing, longing, misses, unspoken words, sadness, bitterness, auguish, life.. death.

I want to remember forever and ever and be reminded of them each and every day. I want to learn. I want to learn what you’re teaching me, Pa.

And as the days goes by, these misses will continue to grow.. and they can only grow..

why is it so hard to look for a decent header? argh, i’ve been on it for the past few days but i find.. nothing. absolutely nothing! :( okay okay, bottomline is, i’m sort of bored with my current layout, ha! okay okay, i’m supposing to be mugging ultra, extra, incredibly hard for my netsec paper on tuesday but .. hee, a girl gotta rest, aint it? though i’ve been slacking and over-extending my break ever since 5pm.. ? or was it 4? hmmm okay, never mind.

the past few days had been pretty slack for me, oh helpp. i kept telling myself that i’ll go out and study or something, just anywhere but at home where procastination takes place all the time. but i woke up at almost 12pm every morning (somehow i loved snuggling in those rumpled sheets and rolled around them for a few more hours), took my time to eat my breakfast/lunch, read a few pages of The Zahir, brought out the pile of papers and my precious nice-smelling BB textbook (seriously, i can never get enough how nice this textbook smells - like brand new! must be the $11 i paid to photocopy the book), study for like, one hour before staggering back to Mum’s room because the living room is totally chaotic. baby xavier’s screams and shouts, sister’s big loud mouth, teevee laughing, bro tapping on the keyboard - arghhhh, i have enough. and through closed doors, the buzzing sounds in the living room still can be heard loud and clear, sigh! i’m clueless how can i concentrate like that. but bless tomorrow - i’m going to have a few serene hours :) i hoped!

recently, the sky seems to be getting greyer.. and greyer. raining non-stop the whole day really gets the pig out of you. i was studying so studiously when my gaze switched over to the cozy bed and the sheets of rain outside the window.. and -flop!- i was on the bed till 7pm. somebody kill me please. where have the motivation gone to? okay, never mind, i think it will come back tomorrow. :)

one more day to the first paper! i’m so excited. yeah, right.

-

11/12/2007 is going to be an important day.

 

i thought of you each time, and the things you used to do, used to say will flood into my mind.

and then, my face will start to crumple.. this is another cycle. and on and on, it will go. forever and ever.

guess what? The Shopaholic Series will start filming next january! :)

i think i shall not sleep that early tonight and start preparing my BB notes. it’s absolutely shiok-ness that weekends are without work. it’s been so long that i get to sleep in late wakakaka. but okay, no, NOPE, tomorrow I GOT TO GET MY BUTT OUT OF BED AND TROOP TO AIRPORT OR SOMEWHERE QUIET TO STUDY.

I HAVE TO!

*

sometimes, dont we always wished for someone to be there? to be your pillar to lean on, to be your mattress which standby by your side in case you fall, to be the pair of arms that would catch you and protect you, be there for you, tell you that ‘everything will be alright’ - even if it’s a lie, a consolation.

you know what, at times, i get sick of being independent. i get tired of holding myself upright all the time, tired of keeping troubles to myself, tired of getting mad at people but they have no idea, tired of the unspoken feelings i kept locked up in the depths of my heart, tired of mending those cracks again and again, tired of.. just simply tired. do you, do you often have these feelings or am i being the silly one?

i no longer missed that him. perhaps yes, on occasions or places that we used to go, but seriously, the pain is no longer there - just wonder. it’s such an irony that it takes a heartbreak, to forget another.

i rather remember that previous pitiful heartbreak than suffered another even more heart-breakingly heartbreak. life is full of tests, corners that we are all curious or afraid to explore. in the circle of our comfort, we just want time to stop at the particular moment where we feel the happiest, the most blessed. pity time doesnt works like - not at all.

christmas is coming - the season of snow, twinkling lights, presents, sleepovers, stockings, cookies, gingerbreadman, snowflakes, reds and greens, frosty icing, log cakes, love, care, share, giving - have i name them all?

it will always always feel empty no matter how many blessings exchanged; pity santa claus cant make time go back around.

seriously, term test hasnt even started yet and i’m in the holiday mood already! :(:( i’m in such a holiday mood that i kept thinking that there’s no school tomorrow!

this is so terrible! and i need to go out shopping soon - i can feel all the new shops calling me! i should be studying, i should be studyingggggggggggg - *chants*

but no, i only did one calculation question for m.comm just now! argh, where’s Mr Motivation when you need one? argh argh arghhh, i deserved to be locked up in the library tomorrow till midnight.

-

today is quite a drama day.

- we bought xavier along to pick up the cheque at the union and he sprained his arm at bugis parco. poor thing!

- we had Ayam’s chicken rice for lunch :) i really recommend this place for nice crispy malay chicken rice! the chicken is absolute heaven - awwwww.

- Pa, you know what, i’m so proud of you.

 

and you know what i’m most afraid of now?

of forgetting, not cherishing, not appreciating, not keeping things close to my heart.. and losing them all.

i’ve just came home, dumped my bag on my bed, washed-up, and now, reading my old blogs’ entries.

i dont know how to describe the feeling that washed over me when i scrolled through entries that i had once wrote about family outings, talks, meals, love. it was just earlier this year, and right now, a piece of it is missing. family gatherings and meals and talks and outings would never ever be the same again. how much i thought through it, about it. the constant heartache and the heavy cloud hanging over my head. i felt them everyday. i had never actually fully appreciated how blessed i actually was all this while. i always want more, forever uncontented, forever greedy, forever whining and bitching how much my life sucks and dull and sparkless, and right now, the realization that dawned to me was that i was truly very very blessed at that time. and how come i never cherish, appreciate, be content? how come i am always like that? this is incredibly infuriating. i’m angry at myself. i love you i love you i love love you. now, you would never know.

i kept telling myself, that you’re in somewhere - be it in another dimension, another entity, another world - happy, contented. i trust god to be there to accompany you, take care of you, and you and ah ma will be drinking tea somewhere up from above, gazing at us with humour sparkling in your eyes, saying how silly we are being, to pin for you so much when one day we’ll all be reunited together again.

i wanted to believe this story. but the fear of you not being fine just tears me apart all over again.

Are you well, Pa? Are you happier now, more relieve? Are you in a world where angels sings, where rainbows are there all year round, where blue birds chirps from the trees? where there is no darkness, no unhappiness, no anger, no evil deeds - only laughter, joy, bliss and peace?

i pray with all my heart and my soul, that you are in that world, happier than ever, free from the mortal worries. i pray that you’ll be able to feel and hear us say how much we miss and love you.

Death will not do us part. 

-

 

 

he came to sit beside me today. i looked at his eyes, the smile twitching from his lips, and you know what, i suddenly feel like leaning over and rest my head on his shoulder. to feel safe and warm for that one split second. it’ve been very long since i felt such dependency.

-

 

on a much lighter note, guess what? I PASSED MY M.COMM QUIZ! YES, THE VERY ONE THAT I SAID I WILL FAIL! AND TEACHER PRAISED ME, SHE SAYS I AM GOOD! 

now, as i sat here typing this, i’m home again, after deciding to discard my actual plan of going to the school library to mug a bit before work at 6pm.

today just feels like a normal day, freezing cold in the morning, doubly after i came out of the shower (god, i hate morning showers), sunny when i unlocked the front door to get out, and windy again the moment i stepped out of the lift. the weather is crazy, just crazy, changing at every turn. who wont get sick like that you tell me? tutorials, lectures, notes-copying, day-dreaming, gravy egg-and-fish filet-and-hot dogs-with-rice, copying some more.. the 3 seats at the corner fits us perfectly :)

but how could a day, be so normal, yet so different? it felt empty somehow. i was staring up the sunny sky, and how nature never fails to rotate and shift each day, repeating the same cycle, just amaze me. so much misses, so much to say, left unspoken, discard at the back of the mind, forgotten..

 

8 MORE DAYS TO TERM TEST ZOMG!..

 

today is a pleasant day, well, at least being the pleasant-ness outweighs the yuckiness by this teeny bit. :) time was a drag and it’s even more of a drag when your watch timing is faster by the shop’s by almost 10 minutes. tsk, tsk!

i was thinking alot today, precious precious thoughts, and as much as i wanna blogged all of it down, i dont seem to remember everything anymore :( lousy memory! i shall try to recap and contain them all before writing a list.

so, the only thing i can remember is.. that i come up with something i called ‘Being Calculative’ (calculative not only in number terms but feelings and actions too). which describes me pretty perfectly.

yes, if you dont know me yet, i’m an extremely calculative person. sometimes so damn much that even i feel like pinching my own cheek. i prefer everything to be fair and equal, or if not, taking more than i give. so that i wont be the one hurting and writhing there, so that i’m always at the top and winning. i think i had trained myself sub-consciously to be like that, with my defensive and protective walls up, my brain will tell my body and mouth to do stuff that always have myself in mind first. unless, well, i’m very fond of you. and in that case, i’m willing to do much for you because i feel for you. (be it, in terms of friendship, love, etc) and that’s the only case whereby i feel obliged and happy and proud to be doing the giving. i know this is a bad persona, arent we taught to be caring, sharing and nice all along? but, i think i’ve gotten slapped too much in the face and heart, that’s why i’m having these redrawal symptons now. 

and being calculative at every detail - like why i should do that for you if you dont deserve it or why i must i always be the one who _______(fill in the blanks) - is very tiring indeed. so the one thing i must learn to do is not be so calculative and take things easy. i must learn to be able to switch to ‘i’m not going to care, i’m not going to get angry’ mood automatically. being calculative is making me a very mean and tired person. i must be nice, giving, loving, caring, sharing yada yada. i’ll try at least.

i want to learn to be like you, Pa.

and today i shall start from.. changing the stinky greying mop water when it should be that lazy ass, Shaz’s turn. dont be calculative.. i’ll just lecture her again soon, heh.

 

it always takes a tragedy or a very bad incident to teach people things. why god has make life this way i wonder. but of course, every single thing that happened means a new lesson is being taught. just that i feel, this lesson is just way too expensive. i cant afford. i cant get over it. i cant sit up straight and say, ‘okay, i’ll start afresh. i’ll pick myself up and be strong.’

i am strong. just not strong like that to forget my mistakes my guilt my pain, Pa.

i’m wrong, i’m wrong. i could only ask silently, pray silently, for your forgiveness. i miss you each and every second. it multiplies and accumulates. it feels like it’s exploding. but i’ll keep the tears in and keep on going.. and looking back at every step.

3rd post tonight, but this is just something quoted from another blog:

i realised a very sad truth -

everybody kept saying that we should cherish the people around us.
but we, somehow, will never be able to do it ultimately.

some wished they had not quarreled.
some wished they had known him better.
but undoubtedly, everybody misses him and wished he was still around.

i cannot imagine losing a loved one like that.
you weren’t given a time frame to count down to his/her departure,
you weren’t told, or even hinted that he/she will be leaving,
everything came as a surprise. a really bad one.
i think the agony is really beyond words.

 

.. it’s really beyond words. that’s why sometimes i find no words to describe my feelings. i rather keep numb and everything between "…."

how i wish you’re still here. right by our side.

right now, the tele behind me is blaring the grudge in loud horrifying sound effects that proved once again what a coward i was, and being, as i’m too afraid and only dared to sneak a few useless glances. i’m interested yes, but still too horrified by the nightmares that might haunt me later, so i feel safer to avoid it hahaha. i love horrors but i’m afraid of watching? i think i’m changing, i’m no longer such a horror fan as before! i think stardust and star wars are my kind of movies now :)

oh oh, something random, i wanna grow my hair till long long again! i’m envious of other people’s shiny tumbling locks, while compared to my unruly limp ones. and yes, my hair is shiny too but it’s most probably due to the super active oil glands i have :( but what to do! unless i switched genes haha.

gosh, did i mention that how heavy my workload is in school and nobody understands? especially my colleagues, they never seemed to believe me whenever i told them how tired i am, without a single day of rest the entire week, and they will jump in and say how tired and exhausted and beat they were blah blah blah, and wanting me to sympathise with them! when they dont even care about whether i’m tired or not #$%$#%#! it always pissed me off and makes me so sad :( yeah, some selfish colleagues i have huh. they’re allow to rant and i’m supposed to agree, when whatever i say go in one ear and come out of the other. oh lucky, lucky me!

i’m super stressed by tuesday’s mp assessment but the hell with it!

happy-go-lucky, happy-go-lucky, happy-go-lucky

oh yes, good reminder.

something that i must mention: i found the cute kiddy watch that Daddy bought for me on my birthday! and i’m so thankful that i cried.

i wonder where you are
just that i always forgot to tell you
how much i love you

and ironically, it’s always too late

i got a yummy cupcake for breakfast, an egg sandwich during break and mcnuggets meal for dinner today. i just had my macs at 730pm and now i’m hungry again. pig or what?

CCN day was plain boring. i walked passed almost all the stalls with my friend but i just couldnt find any stalls that sells pretty stuff or cheap bluetooths! yes, i’m a cheapo and i’m looking for a bluetooth for my computer. T.T but almost all the stalls were selling food! donut balls (which we bought for 3 for $2, and i threw away the peanut one god bless me, such a waste!), lollipops, popcorn, kuehs, nasi lemak, ice-creams and more donuts etc. where have all the cheap bluetooths gone to? :( after wasting our time squeezing in between the horrendous over-ethusiastic crowd (shudder), and almost getting rainbow sprinkles on my white top, i have to go back to the gloomy lab to proceed with the stupid project.

what a sad day. plus i seem to have some lack of communication with my groupmates. sometimes, it gets really so frustrating that i dont care anymore :(

-

i think i need to start relying on livejournal’s writer block topics to write my posts next time round. nothing could be more boring than this. seriously. all i can write is to rant non-stop, grumpy frumpy one.

i’m quite annoyed with some people now.

morning shift tomorrow, may the sun woke me up on time.

-

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着.. i think about you every minute, every second, every single day.

i keep getting the feeling that any moment now, just any moment, i would hear the familiar sound of Daddy taking his sandals off while holding on to the door, asking us to open the door.

Dear God, are you looking after Daddy? please do. I miss him loads you know.. loads.

-

these few days, bad lengthy dreams haunted me. the other day i dreamt of Dad, in his red shorts, there in the funeral, walking about and talking to us as normal. we could see and talk to him, joke with him, like.. he was still there and here, alive. it was such a saddening dream, but at least, in the dream, i saw him joked and laughed. at least, none of us were crying. and last night, i dream that a cousin of mine kept drinking and drinking. hmm, strange dreams yes? Dad, i’m still waiting for you to appear in my dreams, hold my hand, and talk to me. Dad.. ?

-

went to school today to catch up with the mp project. except for some teeny problem of some guys using our PCs, everything went pretty smoothly. some progress, so yay. i’ll be back tomorrow before work to touch up somemore though! workwork, suckss. i cant wait to say ciao! to my mp supervisors. maybe i should start doing a countdown for the days till i graduate. but then, on the otherhand, what if (what if only, choyyy) i cant graduate because i flunk something? choychoychoy.

-

i’m really amazed at myself on how well i can control my emotions in front of some people. in their hearts, they must be thinking:’why is she acting so fine and well?’

ha, if only they knew.

-

the other day, this guy was sitting behind me during lecture. he accidently dropped his pen and he called my name with the ‘line’ prounounced all wrong (roll eyes here), and say he couldnt remember the proper way to call and asked me to pick up his pen for him. so i looked down, and stared while my friend picked it up. and then this conversation started behind me, between the dimwit guy and his girl friend in loud whispers:

girl: you know her?
guy: yeah. (pauses)
guy: she sells lingerie, you know at the shop in tm.
girl: ohhhh, that one!

after i heard what he said, i found it annoying and interesting at the same time that it occurs him to put in the ’she sells lingerie" sentence. does that makes the fact that he knows me more laughable and entertaining? hey, she sells lingerie lehhhhhhhhh.

and, i forgot to add that, ever since he notices that i work at LS, he had came down twice, once with a guy friend in tow, to walk one round around the shop. may i add that i dont know you at all?

ha ha, very funny (insert his name, which i forgot), my job might seem like a joke to be passed around and shared but it’s still a decent job, stupid.

I’m wondering what’s getting onto me.

Sometimes I’ll just suddenly gazed off at a distance, thinking.. sometimes, I’ll just suddenly want to burst out crying.. sometimes whenever they started talking about pa and how stuff can always be done to prevent this and that and i just felt like slapping them for bringing this up for the 31243297492 time and for making ma sad and cry..

i wished i can just graduate faster, stopped having to see all those faces whom i dont like and quickly have some contribution to this family. i want to stay home more, but everytime school ends, and i have no work, i suddenly dont feel like going home where reality is so freaking, starkingly real.

today mom’s outburst shocked me a little. but what’s she said is true. when we were once given a chance to be fillial we should go and be to the fullest as we can be and not to wait till everything is too late to regret and daddy wont even know, cant even see, no matter how much we tried to make up for the losses.

i’m sorry, dad. i wonder if you can see, if you can hear us cry out for you, longing for you. and when i look up at the stars above, i wonder if that’s you.

Pa.. can you hear me calling you?