Happy Birthday, Pa.

–

this Friday + weekend have me fully hooked onto a taiwan police drama Black & White, starring Zai Zai :) thanks to the DVDs, we have finished the enitre 24 episodes in 3 days! very very exciting and thrilling with so many twists that i can faint from shock, i’m anticipating a Part 2 — i hope there’s one!! i believe that the world is mostly tinted in grey. just like humans. we arent totally good, we have our ugly moments tucked away somewhere. the good side VS the bad. what colour are you? :)

–

yay, and we just might get 7 free movie tickets :) hmm, love tea + milk.

–

just received a xxx letter from university. really money-suckers lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i sure hope all these random fees wont bankrupt us before i can graduate in peace. ARGH. one fee after another!

i realized i get upset easily alot these days.

and i cant even write properly now. the cursor kept blinking, prompting me.. but i dont know how to say it out aloud. okay, type it out aloud.

i am sad. angry. pissed. jealous.

feel like i’m on the road to insanity.. why is she like that? why is it that she wants every single thing that i want? why is she always copying my everything? if dropping out or quitting school means i dont need to see her again, that very idea seems incredibly tempting now. sometimes enough is enough. i’m very flustered. my heart feel like it’s in a big tight knot.

sighed. *bang my head in frustration*

another thing is.. school. in less than 50 days time, i’ll be sitting in the examination room, the paper in my hands. i’m not ready. not even 50% ready. everything suddenly seems so hard now. picking the easier way out of flunking everything, seems ideal.

i’m sucha loser.

still am, still are, unchanged.

i’m not happy.

girl in the mirror, you’re not that likeable.

 

Hello you, i dreamt of you today. it was your voice that i hear.. your smile that i see.. it was you sitting close beside me, the warmth and happiness that i feel.. it was then that i realized that i do missed you. despite the fact that we dont talk much anymore, and oh how i missed those times. we always want something that we dont have, we often miss something that we no longer have. all these talks about cherishing and stuff, is all really bullshit huh?

you’re a chance that i have let go. perhaps.. you do miss me a little too?

***

back to reality. the paper is a day away.. worry and feeling sick with fear.. doing nothing whatsoever over it.. for the umpteen time, i do feel that i might be better off not studying.

the grass is always always greener on the other side. i bet i will miss studying if i choose to drop out!

finicky fickle minded you. if only i’m smarter.. then perhaps i wont feel like a loser..

hello world. been almost a month since i trepassed here with my doodles! times flies. especially, especially when you’re stressed with exams and of spending too many other hours when you’re not studying to read words and words of beauty forums. and recently, in this midst of my horribly stressed world, i still find the time to come up with a new natural skin regimen. i’m sick of using products that make my skin backfire, and with that, spending loads and loads of money that sure had gone to waste!

so my homework is pretty much these: skincare and schoolwork (which is TERRIBLE, i tell you. we practically made airport our home in the past weeks of mugging there.. and spending loads of $$$ on the food and cheer-me-up snacks! imagine your bank account breaking out in $20’s every two days. am very broke now!) the gst money did not help. almost gone now.. but my bills is still piling up. =X

another paper next week. i have no confidence. it’s hard to imagine that in about a couple of weeks’ time, the real exams will arrive and i’m afraid i will say that i’m still ill-prepared. i’m nervous to the bones. jittery, flittery, buttery in the knees. the idea of the finals make me sick.

it’s like another O levels but 20 times harder!

hehe. i’m loving Jennifer Aniston. caught He’s Just Not That Into You and Marley And Me. both wonderful shows! Marley and Me made me teared. why do Marley have to die?? life sure aint fair. even in movies.

suckie biggie time! am in the deepest shit. feel that this studying route arent for me. wanting to quit but how can i, with all there thousands being spent already?

guardian angel, please help me.

Dear Diary (somehow this sounds very endearing ha-ha),

and so i just came back from The Wedding Game movie after school last night. some very amusing parts but it’s a teeny bit boring and draggy at the end. school almost filled my entire day.. with maths and poa lectures. seats were half-filled cuz some of the students were still away in their countries. lectures were sleepy and we were plainly just scribbling whatever the lecturers were scribbling. but maths got better.. probably cuz i understood the lesson, which for i’m glad.

i think cliques are funny. the group of friends you surround yourself with, every single day, probably should be whom you like, right? funnily enough, i dont like mine. (okay, not that i think they like me, in fact i think we all feel the same way, but whatever) today, they should be somewhere gambling and having a laugh somewhere tucked at one of the girl’s house — an affair which a friend and i decided that it’s something worth missing for. it’s not like we like gambling! i dont even played with poker cards or mahjong (i only like building houses with them, childishly) so if i did go, you’ll certainly find me with the remote control in my hands, fiddling with the buttons in a bored-out way. — we just dont click, plain and simple. this is why i dont really understand why Mum was quite persistent about wanting me to go and have fun. i mean, sure, i would definitely go if it’s fun but why go to somewhere where you’re very certain that you wont be having any? just call me a outcast, anyday. sometimes, i think i live better being in tiny groups than a big one like this consisting of people whom i dont like hanging out with.

the point of this whole chunk of paragraph? i didnt go. dont want to. dont even feel like. they’ll definitely be yakking about how anti-social we’re being, but we’re not. we’re just tired of pretending to enjoy ourselves. i very much prefer the way i spend my today: watching Bridget Jones’s Diary and Freaky Friday with Jas, and out to the mall to catch InkHeart. and shopping! omg, did i mention that i got a very nice cardi for just 5 bucks? a belt for $12? and my current-favourite cleansing gel for $12 due to a sale? *swoons* managed to do some laundry — folding and hanging them out! :)

Inkheart fascinates me :) though the reviews arent fantastic enough to suit me, i still think it’s a movie worth watching! we love it! i’m now going to immense myself in the book and start comparing hehe.

i think old movies are soooooo much nicer sometimes!

these two days of CNY more or less bored me almost to tears.. half the time i found myself falling asleep on someone else’s sofa!! it just isnt even fun anymore. and the food doesnt please me as i thought it would after all. same old, same old. every stupid cny. even the ang paos failed to cheer me up cuz the amount is just enough for me to pay for my contacts. oh, i’m being such a ungrateful whiner, am i not? i.am.just.arent.very.fond.of.my.freaking.relatives. — on the other side.

tomorrow is back to school! just aweeesome-ness.

oooh, i’ve caught Bride Wars yesterday and it’s pretty good. :)

 

sigh-ed. been pretty messed-up over my ridiculously-behind schoolwork. and it’s always either school and no money, or money but no school. you cant have both when you’re me. this sucks, you know.

and so i went to buy a quite expensive drugstore shampoo called Nizoral, costing me $25 from Guardian. (really expensive for a shampoo that size if you asked me) desperate times calls for desperate measures, what to do. THEN i dropped by FEP’s Watsons today and realized they’re selling it for $22.90! i feel very cheated now. i’m cursing to myself at my stupidity of not checking the prices before handing over the plastic card. ARGHHH.

next, i finally finally have my eyebrows tweezed and plucked by professional hands. the usual rate is $15, but due to the busy CNY period, it now cost $18. ignorant me shouldnt have picked a so last minute time to do my brows!! double ARGHHH. i’m feel even more cheated now! and, it’s not like the end results of my eyebrows is so amazing.. i’ve seen better brows above my eyes thank you very much. sure, they did wish me a happy new year with a free gift of a red paper bag and two oranges inside — but still…

what a day.

on the way home, i even fell asleep on the bus and i think i alarmed the passenger sitting behind me by smacking my head onto the railing very loudly heehee. then i proceeded to pretend that the smack hasnt wake me up. gosh i must have look like an idiot…

i’m soooo gonna source for a new pimple cream tomorrow!

tomorrow = last day of school till thursday :)

 

GOSH I WANNA WATCH INKHEART! (have borrowed the book to read and it looks pretty nice..)

i feel that my stomach is on the floor and somebody is stomping on it with heels. darn the bee hoon with otah lunch that i had this afternoon. now, my tummy simply feels that is is rolling around in flames. the burning feel you know? very very uncomfortable and i’m feeling slightly nauseous now.. i just went to brush my teeth and rinse my mouth with Oral-B hoping to remove the disgusting aftertaste leftover. yuck.

am also feeling that my hormones is over-frying.. a very pissed off day full of pissed-off moments.

the most annoying thing: the crampy train and seatless bus. - why is the trains always so bloody crammed on saturdays? and for lucky, lucky old me, it’s a school day for me.

the next annoying thing: why is my supposedly cute nephew not so cute anymore these days? he is so proud, demanding and unreasonable now, screaming all over the place when things dont go his way; totally ignoring me when i was outside the door, my hands full of stuff and i was asking for the key nicely; whining, crying, yelling and stomping his feet to watch the living room TV when we offered to let him watch in the rooms cuz we wanted to watch SCV, which is only available on the living room TV. sigh. he is turning into this impossible little monster. i want my baby back.

the next next annoying thing: my pink ruffles pink top came. i was happy.. then disappointed when i discovered that the ruffles arent identical on both sides. the left is fuller than the right. the perfection gene in my body kicked in. i emailed the seller and it turns out that she has no more pieces to exchange. all she can do for me is to give me a discount of 4 bucks. whoopie whoop. now i’m just going to look weird and even more unattractive for CNY. great.

i’m getting all wobbly at the thought of CNY just round the corner next week. feeling all sad, yet trying to sound like i cant wait for the day to arrive. it’s hard being bright and chirpily cheerful when you simply just feel like going one corner over there to sulk. and sulked deeply that’s it. i’m being such a whiny baby. i want to be mature and grow up and accept things while letting the burdens weighing on my shoulders go. i want to remember only the good things and try to avoid the weirdness and loneliness feelings that seem to wash over me again and again. i want to be a happier person. i miss the out-going, sociable side of me. but she seem to be there no longer. these days i very much prefer to curl up in my world with a book.

school hasnt been going extremely well. envy is a sin. not feeling confident enough feels like shit. it makes me just want to hang my head down and wish for all attention diverted away from me. it got worse to the point that i wish i was invisible and i can just come and go.

the angry bumps on my U-zone arent helping. does my face needs anymore ugly-fying? jeez.

this seems like such a depressed entry.

i planned to be a much happier person this year. seems like i’m wishing for the same old thing every year. that never seem to happen.

motivation… please give me motivation..

leg cramping. homework very lagged behind. stomach in flames. shitty skin. unfriendly nephew. stress of exams. piling stack of unread library books. strained friendships brewing merrily. uncut toenails. big sum of contact lens fees pending. messy bed strewn with bundle of clothes tangled up. boyfriendless life, making people think i’m an unwanted weirdo - perhaps that’s true. lack of sleep. unpaid credit card bills. irritating sister dragging us into her every wedding plan whatsoever. discovery of an wrinkle in my forehead. stressing with Mum over money problems. exams deadline in may. motivation all gone…

life, is looking rather bleak at the moment.

i miss my Dad terribly.

NO SCHOOL FOR TOMORROW!

-jumps around-

technically a tiring day, excuse me for not getting incredibly excited or hyped-up for Econs earlier in a monday morning - the first day back in hell after 2 weeks of pure, sweet heaven. but okay, at least now i’m back in reality - i should be - since our dear lecturer wrote a big fat 130 DAYS on the whiteboard.. which will be the number of days left till our Econs paper. the real exam mind you. i could feel my heart expanding and contracting in fits just then… i want to go back to my unrealistic, safe world. :(

with the stress of schoolwork hovering close above my head, i’m also stressing over the variety on CNY clothes to pick. should i get something outrageously red which i’ll probably just end up wearing once/something sweet and very simple/something black and red/ something Mum would love.. ? argh why am i even worry about something so insignificant? i should just buy whatever i like. but the problem is i like all of it.

browse-browse-browse. think-think-think. ponder somemore..

this aint working. blue or pink? quick!!!!!

.
.
.

one of my sister picked pink and the other chose blue. -faints-

*

okay enough, i’ll re-consider tomorrow.

today i lugged back a big bag crammed with my *new* Vichy day and night moisturiser — costing me a bomb of $78. of course, to some people, this amount is probably pennies.. but to me, it took me quite alot of beating about the bush, sneaking looks at the Vichy counter longingly, one minute deciding to just leave, and the next thing i know, i was already at the counter chatting with the promoter. and the moment she whisked out the 2 products, i know my money is already in her hands. sigh, my $78! i can buy like, 3-4 tops with that money and the bottles are sooo tiny i doubt it’ll last me as long as 3 months as she promised. but i got a free straightener cuz the cashier managed to con me into spending another extra 2 bucks. i’m so gullible, what to do. but i’m excited about my new purchases!! i wont be wasting money *chants a million times* - dang i’m so broke.

recently, amazon.com is my favourite online hangout. i love reading book reviews, god why am i such a nerd. i scroll through the list of bestsellers and one particular vampire series caught my eye - Sookie Stackhouse! i need something to fill in the empty Twilight spaces.. :( Sookie Stackhouse seems very Anita Blake (one of my favourites vampire series until the author decides to focus more on porn-related stuff in around err, book 15 onwards i think. i dont remember), which is one of the reasons i got so excited when my mouse clicked upon this book. i would love it alot if it’s like Anita Blake minus the porn. :)

and the next best thing have to be the NLB. -sigh- i have currently 6 books under reservation! teeheehee. gosh i’m so excited.

oh well, meet the nerd. -waves-

*

i’m being called BORING this week. perhaps i should start reflecting deep into the mirror at my inner self. it’s kind of insulting, if i had not known that she is kidding. what to do, there’s a big part of a loner inside me. i’m just not that kind of girl who everybody likes to get close to. i can only feel comfortable with certain people. i guess, weird describes me.

*

… also, HE ASK ME OUT!!!!!!!!!

(you know what really pisses me off? ..

1. when there are no auto-save functions in Blogsome and i badly wish for one.
2. when someone announces she is off to bed, and then 5 minutes later, comes out and ask to use the PC with a promise of "very fast one" which in the end stretches to half an hour, leaving me to sit at one dark corner like an idiot to fume silently. if you wanted to use the PC, you can tell me earlier before you decided to sleep, right? thanks to you, i have to re-write the post all over again. and no, i cannot save it in time because you come popping behind my back.)

okay, enough of fuming. i fumed quite easily at night when i’m struggling between the need to sleep and the rule that sleeping is a waste of time when school is reopening in a few days. (eww…)

as i was saying before the rude interruption - it’s officially goodbye 2008 and hello sweet 2009!

i’ve finished re-reading The Twilight Saga today. i think i love the books very much and it saddens me to say goodbye to Edward and Bella. even though i have to admit that some parts of the writing is rather teenage-fiction-y, i’ve grown quite attached to the story, and it’s difficult to see the THE END at the last page of Breaking Dawn - and then we continue on this small but perfect piece of our forever. it depresses me - sort of. i very badly wanna catch the movie again but the stingy angel in me decided that i would not waste money on a movie i had watched before (bloody recession). heeheehee. anyway, the depressed side of me have been picking up the books, flipping to a page and re-reading the bits and pieces all over again. i’m addicted, what can i say! -growls- i cant stopped myself.

i have quite alot of plans for tomorrow, hint: helping Gan-ma with the washing of dishes (bond to be incredibly sweaty) ‘cuz she is alone at the stall, and some shopping after that. hopefully, we have time to catch a movie after that! :) and oh yes, my hands are very itching to get The Host. 

a terrifying thought suddenly occurred to me while i was rolling on my Mum’s bed with baby boy while watching Little Mermaid, that first thing on Monday’s agenda would be Econs. bloodily horrifying bring-me-to-my-knees econs and i HAVENT HAD ANY WORK DONE YET.. since two weeks ago. uh-oh, i definitely deserved to be glared and screamed at by my caucasian lecturer now. he can be very intimidating when he wants to. -sigh- what a day!

speaking of 2009, by the way, i need a change. a good change, of course. wish me luck!

HAHAHA this cracks me up.

a bit of peace. TV switched off. everybody in their rooms. three dozing off to a slumber (a sweet one i hoped), one singing softly to themselves (my eldest sister anyway haha), one gaming or online shopping, and finally me, alone in the living room, windows shut and the door locked.

a perfect happy place and time where i could think without distractions.

re-watched Iron Man with bro this afternoon, just two of us. over the last week, i had caught High School Musical 1 & 2 (i cant wait for 3), What Happens In Vegas (again), Narnia: Prince Caspian, Wildchild, Flushed Away, Resident Evil 1, 2 & 3, Yes Man and Twilight. jeez, i cant help but feel slightly geeky hee hee.

i need to pluck my eyebrows. happily, the thought that i dont need to travel to as far as orchard road to do my brows makes me very happy indeed - thanks for the new beauty salon that opened at TM a few weeks ago. i still need the courage to try their techniques though, cuz i have come to conclude that different beauticians tweeze in different ways and styles. bummer if you’re unlucky and picked one who gives you painful and throbbing stabs, make you tear and leave those tell-tale red blotches all over your eyes. hmmm.. but perhaps the courage would come with emergency and urgency. CNY is coming round the corner after all. speaking of which.. i only have one new CNY top to wear. two more to go!

shopping irks and cheers me now. irks first cuz i dont have much to spend (gasp - and Da was telling me she just spent $80 on a dress a few mins ago! unfairness or what?), cheers cuz i’m happy to have any reason to shop. but of cuz shopping is only fun when you can just buy stuff without looking at the price tags hee hee. but that will be too unlike me - i will always look at the price tags before judging a top is nice or not. oh stingy me.

my next-door indian neighbour is outside her door making ridiculously loud noises for a night like this. for goodness’s sake they cant even open the door without making 1001 amount of noises!!! luckily there are some pipes thingy standing between our doors, or else..

speaking of noisy neighbours, we seem to be getting alot of them these days. loud rolling sounds can always be heard upstairs and we were all eager to use our bamboo pole for other uses other than hanging wet laundry. poke-poke-poke! so tempting isnt it! it had started becoming a inside joke that there must be murders being commited upstairs, judging by all those noises.. ewwww.

also, a paint-job project to re-paint all the blocks around here is going to be in progress soon. i cant bear to think about the amount of noise and dust our new neighbours (the painters) will be making!

**i’m really excited about getting a copy of The Host soon!!! *dance around*

 

OMG TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF 2008!!!!! - i only just realized. applause everybody, i’ve managed to come this far. perhaps it doesnt means anything, either. just another day for me.

it’s amazing how i couldnt write properly when i have people hanging around me, half-afraid that they will pop up behind me suddenly, reading over my shoulder.. it makes me shudder. perhaps i valued privacy more i think, or i couldnt help but mused on the fact that maybe i’m embarrassed to be caught blogging? it’s rather frightening, either way. right now, as the dark curtains fell over the world, the TV is blaring behind me, flashing my current obsessed drama 家好月圆, my baby boy a few feet away from me scrawling cute transformers (i should think so!), Mum cutting her fingernails.. makes it a very ordinary Tuesday night actually.

and oh yes, i mopped and swept the floor today! it’s rather amazing, too, how satisfying it feels after i worked out a sweat doing housework. very tired, sweat sticking my shirt to my body, stinking up my hair, but satisfying nevertheless.

i’ve finished reading Breaking Dawn and Eclipse. the ending is fantastic but.. i wished for more. 4 books is too short. am re-reading Twilight now while i still can! sigh. the movie is quite amazing though, if only they followed the original script fully. it’s just too short.

i havent get any studying done. yet. darn. sigh. i’m so dead.

randomly speaking, i was at Watson’s just now and i managed to grab a sample of a moisturizer i’m very excited to try out and the brightening eye roller at 20% off!!!!! utter bliss. if only i can just ignore that the hole in my pocket is getting bigger…

so happy. but still very worried cuz i haven been touching my books since the last paper on the 18th. a week flew by and i just let myself immerse in the excuse of a Christmas mood. so christmas is over right now, shouldnt i be starting to mug already? get cracking?

am terribly disappointed with myself right now. too bad i dont have any resistance over this. too bad a weakling is all i am.

- comtemplating on getting The Host..!

 

**watching 家好月圆 is making my very angry.. ahhhhh!!!! bitches.

finally, a time to sit down properly in front of the computer without feeling guilty and tremoudously bothered by the growing pile of work stacked up by the window waiting to be done… i’m back into the tests-free world!!!! so yay me.

this week had been extremely horrible, put in an understatement. i’m in utter pieces, scrambling to study at the last few minutes (my fault, my problem, my retribution totally, i should have better discipline and restraint, ’nuff said), scribbling short notes but funnily, they’ll normally end up being the exact copies of my textbook, except shorter cuz i choose to ignore those longer paragraphs. so, duh, dont ask me why i spent enormous amount of time writing non-stop till the blisters have roughen up and my finger bones ached like it’s going to break with a single flex- and still the notes are of not much help at all. i supposed i think that writing and writing will somehow help get those theories and all those shit inside my head but would someone finally just tell me blandly in the face that studying dont work this way so i will stop mugging this way? it’s seriously the least effective studying technique, but i’m still doing that. even after years and years of realizing.

so geez, my fault that i’m just about to fail all of the 4 tests when i know i’m actually studying harder than my first tests? hah. and did i mention that today, into the last day of the tests, and econs results is already out? - want to know how well i fare? - well, read the above sentence :) i think my econs lecturer is crazy, i think he stayed up both nights just to mark our scripts, cuz we just sat for the test on wednesday mind you. scrary. weird. creepy. pervert in this queer way. haha, but he is really nice though. intimidating, but nice. and apart from the fact that i’ve score 9 marks higher since my first test.. i have nothing else to be proud of.

instead, incredibly shameful. yikes. 1 down, 3 more blows to go!

sigh. double sighs. i’m still very bothered by my econs results though i’m definitely not the last on the list.. but i’m still mooning, moaning, crying, depressing all over that puddle of spilled econs milk.

so, i assumed that this is already considered a big, huge ass setback for me and now i should be more motivated to study, like, EVERYDAY till the cows moo home, till earth stops spinning, till singapore starts to snow… yes please. 2 weeks worth of mugging!

and econs aside, i still need to use a paragrahs or two (or a dozen, judging my how depressed this is making me feel) about my maths paper today. i’m absolutely ashamed. the questions doesnt lies in the paper - in fact, the paper is considered remotely easy, copy-and-paste questions from our textbook but guess what? barely 10 minutes into the 2-hour paper, my brain got stuck, the gears stopped running, the engines probably died out or something and my brain nerves disconnected. I AM TOTALLY STUCK. STUCK in a supposedly easy-peasy paper that everyone will pass with colourful flying colours and i will get black and grey. i couldnt be more guilty, horrified at myself and the stupidness of it all. just like that, my mind splutters and died…

:(((((((

i’m such a loser. perhaps, uni really doesnt suits me. i should be working in a office, sitting till my butt gets bigger and my thighs grow fatter. i guessed everyone around me have enough of my ranting over my stupidity that they stopped trying to console me thereafter hahaha.

it’s time to stop and brood, and come out with a solution. it’s time i go out and buy an organiser to organise my disorganised life. it’s time for action and serious strategy to announce that i’m not stupid, but a lazybum. so, please ask me out only if you’re planning to study :))

-

and oh yes, i have dying to catch Twilight!

some good old cutie is exactly what i need to shoo away this nightmare..

i reckon today i’m a happier girl. and why shouldnt i be? it’s a friday!

came home with happy buys: a new cleanser that seems pretty good, and new shampoo and conditioner! - no clothes, believe it or not :)

-

i think i’m having something like a writer’s block, i dont have much to update except for the same old stuff about school - i dont feel like writing about the food i eat, or the bubble teas i sinned over, the lectures and tutorials that seems to drone on forever, the friends i mixed with - i will definitely bore myself to tears. same old, same old. life is still like that. those fears are still trapped inside me. i dont like this kind of life; i’m just pacing and pacing in circles, without any improvement, without any ideas to improve. jealousy and envy seems to be circling around me everytime - i’m sick and tired of all this. crazily, i keep visualizing myself working in an office, earning some money at least, leading a life perhaps not perfect but just borderly satisfactory, that would get me by. at least i will be following procedures of my job scope and not throwing myself at the mercy of those graphs, functions, blah blah blah. all week, i’ve been obsessing over _ + _ = _, it’s rather crazy. indeed, i’m not the studying type.  

i’m such a disappointment. though you didnt exactly say those words, Mum, i know i have let you down again.

oh stupid me.

-

today, i realize how some people can be such turn-offs. they seems rather amazing, well, he seems to be that way. a friend i could rely in those small classes which i cant click much. but a guy who scraped over tiny issues like $1.50? you’re a real turn-off, disgusting.

seems like i need more skills on judging a character!

**i need to learn to grow to like my environment. but some people just sucks dont they.

today is one of the rare days whereby i was alone at home. completely, alone.

these 4 days of so-called holidays blipped by is such a speed that i still think that yesterday must still be friday - cuz i hasnt touched any homework at all. oh god help me. tests is next week - gasp - and i still dont feel anything at all. i’m such a goner, i think. econs is still as confusing as the meaning would allow. complicated graphs and equations flying by with meaningless, colourless explanations. maths is alright, i think, a day of practice should keep me in sync. IBM is like shit. shitshitshit. i remembered flunking the first test - hahaha - and i think this test 2 should not be any different - really confident of me huh?

worried-worried-worried. 7 days to TESTS!…

but here am i, typing, typing, typing. jeez.

HAHA, i wonder if one day, when i looked back this post title, would i have remembered this funny dialog between Mum and I?

i desperately need to write something, anything that will empty out the worries running in circles in my head. how is your monday? mine is fine, thank you. filled with funny econs knowledge that came in bits and pieces no less, scattered in parts of my brain, floating in tiny chunks which i find absolutely impossible to understand. should i have told you something newer after a econs lecture? nah, not really; though i have much to say, but they arent supposed to be important enough to grace this very page. i think.

neverthless, i still think that today should be a good day cuz the lady sitting beside me on the bus on my way home alighted at the same stop as me - thus preventing the need to squeeze my fat ass out pass her face or slap her cheek with my big slouchy bag. another reason probably be that i skipped my tutorial and went to catch Four Christmas with Ping just now. ah, not to mention the yummy macnuggets meal that we managed to sneak past the unsuspecting ticket man. (yes, he shall be called ticket man) the movie is lovely by the way, nothing that exciting, but definitely heart-warming enough for me on this warm Monday afternoon. it sure chased away the monday blues!

but i’m kind of sorry for myself cuz i desperately need to catch up on my econs homework for i’m clashing another econs class tomorrow. that is the first reason why i’m sorry for myself. and the other one? would probably be that i had stupidly, foolishly enough to forget to submit my econs sentences yesterday at 11:59pm- the deadline. i’m so crushed. what is my brain for exactly, when i dont remember the simplest things and these stuff only come into memory almost an hour later, at 12:50am when i was happily tucked in my bed, patchy blanket pulled up onto my chin, ready to snuggle into a deep slumber - when my brain finally decides to connect its wires. damn damn damnnnnned. i’m so angry that i’m hardly sorry now.

wait.. i think i got another reason(s) why the sorries are never ending.

1. i’m uberly broke all thanks to the bus fare. what, $30 a week are you kidding me?
2. i hate someone getting something that i want.
3. christmas is coming. - joy, fun, laughter. but how come i dont feel anticipative?
4. indeed, i’m so hard to love.
5. school is killing me. i dont know how i should help myself. drop out?
6. freaking korean drama. i was happily drowning myself into these new series yesterday and guess what? just when the couple are happily planning to get married (after much much obstacles, mind you), the guy contracted a brain illness. what the heck? i’m chasing for a happy ending which wont come. come on, this world is sad enough, and the unreality world have to be almost as bad. seriously, i have enough of unhappy-endings. please, please dont die.

7. i miss you, you and you. it always feels like the people i loved, always walk away. dont leave me here, stuck in my hysterical world.

somehow, i must keep reminding myself not to be to taken by the recent re-appearance of him. we are now two very different people, living two completely separated lives. dont let memories engulfed you - he is not even a friend anymore. he probably wouldnt remember.

right?

this place seems so foreign now. i could simply just forget how this blog of mine looks like!

was browsing through my entires a few seconds ago and guess what? i can really copy-and-paste an entire chunk of sentences to show you how my life still stops at that particular moment, unchanged.

it feels like ages since i entered in the link of this journal. life, is very mundane. it’s all about school, friends and family. whether i have time to gobble down breakfast, what to have for lunch, if i want to stay back in school to study with the gang, if i can find a seat on the train, if i can still pay my citibank card bills with my allowance, why-am i-still-shopping thoughts, meeting Jas, trying to mug 4 hours a day, trying to restrict my spending yada yada. and on yes, worrying about those oil seeds popping up my face. :(

life is still the same, funny how i thought perhaps a break would do me good. i will come back with surprises, happy thoughts, bright smile, cheerful words… but things seems to be where i had left off. i still worry about the same stuff everyday. i still spent like crazy, i’m still terribly broke, i’m flunking my tests all over the place, i still have trouble mixing around, i still struggle with meeting deadlines for my bills payments. sucks or what? but i still believe, right round a corner, lies my happiness, where i will slowly find a way back to myself.

perhaps the only main difference is.. i’m just recovering from a very bad cough/sore throat/flu. gah.

-

it feels like manymanymany years since our story fell apart with an unhappily after, yet at the same time, it feels just like yesterday. silly, i still remember your face, how your skin feels under my fingertips, how i used those very hands to run through your spiky hair, caress your face, kiss those very lips. they say you’ll never forget your first love. perhaps there’s really some truth to it. i never did forget, you’re just buried at the back of my mind, at the bottom of my heart, behind a locked door.

saw your pictures tonight, perhaps it’s your motive, or simply just a purely innocent concidence, i dont know. i probably shouldnt care, i probably shouldnt even asked to take a look at your photos. but i couldnt resist, i just looked anyway. - you looked good, great even. happy faces, smooth skin, tall muscular body, cheeky grin; you look like someone worth a second look. i was mesmerized, i was awestruck. i knew it was a mistake choosing to look at the you now. somehow, it makes me feel even more depressed. silly yes? you bastard.

now now.. dont get me wrong. i’m just ranting. :) but i know for somewhat, the reason why i still kept all your numbers regardless all these while, that i’m still the fool i am back then. - i hasnt changed. not as much as you’ve changed anyway.

now, where’s the kiddy boy i’ve remembered?

p.s. please let Ma find a job of her liking soon :(

Dear Diary,

it had been an extremely brain-draining, mind-wrecking week. Pa’s first year anniversary fell on the 12th of october, which we had the rituals and everything done on a sunday and Ma says, now he is finally together with Grandma and Grandpa. it seems like i’m feeling sadder and sadder day by day. i cant forget. it’s too hard, too painful, it still is. nobody probably care enough, though consoling words is what i had heard enough. even J dont understand, he just laugh it off. perhaps he is trying to liven up the mood, to make me feel better. but of all people, i seek more consolence from him. i thought that him, of all people should understand. him, of all people should know what i need arent those words i heard everyday. him, of all people to hear me rant and allow me to. i guess, as we grow up, people who we always thought will stay the same, will always be there  - wont be there forever afterall. nothing last forever is the truest fact in history.

…

we finally finished our test this wednesday, and our econs’ results was out yesterday. a pathetic 8% was what i achieved for desperately mugging for the last few hours of the sunday. i did study econs on a normal days, but quantity doesnt always mean quality, so i guessed i have alot to catch up on making a strategic plan to study better in a short amount of time. i need progress, progress, progress! studying with the gang always doesnt seems productive, so recently, i’ve been heading off early to mug alone at Macs or BK. peace seems to find me only then. i like being alone sometimes, cos i realized how easily i can be influence by my peers. i’m not too fond of that side of me either, believe me.

caught Eagle Eye last week cos concidentally, i bumped into Pei and her friend at the bus stop. so together, we went to Starbucks where i met this crazy asshole who cheated me of my 2 bucks (which i can use to buy french fries ok), and amazingly (!!!!) i finished the tall Java Chips i’ve ordered. Java Chip is the love of my life. yum! afterwhich, we went to catch the movie which was rather A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! <3 another must-watch!

damn broke for words, rawr. lots of things to scribble, another day perhaps.

my favourite song this week. on repeat mode, yeah:

当你决定你要离开我
我没有说什么
就当作你自由
有好几次我都想挽留
哭求也没有用
就当作是寂寞
因为我能明白他的温柔对你是种解脱
就坦白告诉我谁是你的最爱
其实你很爱他对我的惩罚
说你没有想他是可怜我吧
我已没有借口只能放手
不敢奢求你说爱我
其实你很爱他他很温柔吗
其实你很想他就说出口吧
我已不想多说捂朵
不想再次听到你说你很爱他

you know, i really dont wish to hate school, hate the people i have to force myself to hangout with, blindly everyday. i wanted to be well-liked and be able to like them in return. though many a time, i do enjoy our lunches, talks and discussions over homework, there are still those moments when i feel left out. and you, being my closest friend, even preferred them to me. i dont know why. this hurts you know, i feel terrible, confused, abandoned, helpless and i feel like crying all the same.

i really dont feel like mixing with you anymore. everytime with you, it always feels like you’re the copycat, but other people will just think that i am the one - childish yes?

i need some new friends.

-

sometimes even i scare myself. how can i be so evil at times, whenever i’m frustrated or angry, sad or depressed, or am i simply just being evil and mean for the sake of it? tonight, i shuddered at how twisted i can actually be. am i the only crazy one here?

-

today was spent rushing around with a plastic bag of 6-inch thick of IBM notes. i sweared this subject is certainly going to be one which i would come to dread. the lecturer was cranky and mad for one.

-

freaking tiring day. needless to say, i kind of regret watching 4Bia last week. those gross creepy movie scenes keep flashing into my mind whenever i got up at 5am to bath in the kitchen toilet. i cant even close my eyes without fearing that something would pop up once i re-opened them! and i too, was afraid last night when i was lying on the bed trying to get some sleep, i ended up being awake by 328am. but for those who love horrors, 4Bia is a must-watch!

-

today is a happy, contented night. what an evening ended up rather great. i loved chatting up with my poly friends, i loved catching up with things i never knew. it’s weird; how can i be laughing over matters like, finally knowing that they’re making fun of my hair behind my back at that one particular time, or how honest everyone is being suddenly. i missed talking like that, without a care in the world. somehow, though that’s a mix of hurt when realization strucks, but the it’s the honesty that i valued.

i want to text him, i want to click on his window on MSN and type something whilst hitting ENTER, i want to call him to ask him where he is and what he is doing now.

am i pathetic or what, the devil in me says.

nah, just heart broken, the angel retort.

WHY AM I SO FICKLE ONE!!! *pissed*