"Love is the sum of our choices, the strength of our commitments, the ties that binds us together."

endless-paperwork-days.

thats my life now. i cant say i’m not enjoying it cos i’m having fun everyday. but the foolish mistakes i’m endlessly making it’s driving me crazy. i wish i can become smarter, wiser, stop my ability of making people laugh at me. a shitload pile of mistakes is pending at the moment. everytime footsteps stopped by my desk, and i looked up, i will see a smuggy smile mocking at me or a pair of serious eyes staring at me, a piece of paper dangling from her fingers. and then, i will feel the dismay - oh just what have i done now?

and this situation seems to be happening more frequently and it’s all in repetition. stop, rewind, play.

i could have come up with a whole lists of silly/funny comments made by me in this 3 weeks. rather too much dont you think? i’m being stupid, im so so stupid. of cos, you can say i’m not stupid, just brainless. okay, acceptable. i’m too tired to argue now haha.

in the midst of working, waking up early, coming home late, sleeping while standing up on the bus, flipping through random stacks of wrinkled paper, collecting faxes, scribbling little yellow Post-It and sticking them all over my CPU, lunching in stuffy hawker centres, staring dreamily at the gorgeous buildings through my window, i just want to say i’m amazed. amazed that how time can just fly without me actually feeling it, amazed at how great it is to meet new people who just click with you, amazed that i’m actually dreading july, when work will come to an end and another untold new journey would begin.. simply, i’m just amazed at what life brings. oh, and i’m too amazed by how many mistakes i can make and stupid things i can say in a single day.

i’ve just come across a nice quote -

"when you have something great going on, dont try to change it. never improve on perfection."

note to self: dont get too envious there. envy is an never-ending feeling. it just keep coming.

for the briefest moment just now, it feels like he’s coming back home. so, so starkingly real.
i got a message saved in my handphone that goes:

Poppidz -
Coming home.

i cant bring myself to delete it. even though it doesnt actually comes from him.. i just cant bear to. you know, i love you.

 

In life, there’s only one certainity. And that is death itself.

i’m so tired i wish to go back to sleep, but i cant. mundane tasks at hand. xxx the call that woke me up at 9 freaking am. but ha, i’m not really complaining, dont get me wrong :) off to town i go!

i had a dream, and my heart, somehow, aches. even if it’s only a dream, it still feels starkingly real. i dont want you to fall for her, please tell me you have your eyes for only me.

but who am i kidding. psst, i miss you! can we be together — who am i kidding again.

 

that i would be good even if i do nothing
that i would be good even if i got thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good if i gained ten pounds
that i would be good even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good even if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be good even if i was no longer queen
that i would be loved even if i numbed myself
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost my sanity
that i would be good
even with or without you

sigh! i still cant believe i would have to wake up early tomorrow..

on the other hand, why am i so lazy anyway?

anyway, i’ve just did a rose mask and it’s really really sticky..

-

hm, as much as i liked this layout, there seems to be something missing….. it’s queer. but okay, i still liked it :)

 

i’m constantly reminding myself that i need to be thinking on the bright side of life. i still have a long way to go from here.. but hey i’m trying.. and willing to try the very least, so - keep up the good work! you’re doing very fine..

 

Instead of living in the shadows of yesterday, walk in the light of today and the hope of tomorrow.

i feel like puking now, no thanks to the anti-biotic pill that i had just swallowed. gah!

it’s thursday tomorrow, such a wonderment how time flies when you’re stuck with nothing major in your life. haha, yeah that’s me speaking. however, i’m not complaining cos i should enjoy while it lasts. anyway, rene gave me the number of her agent and i’m still thinking if i should call tomorrow.

i really need a job to cover my recent expenses hahahaha. if Mum knows, she’s so gonna slaughter me.

i will be a happier girl if i find myself a good-paying employer. end of story. :)

**

wanted to write more about you, but somehow, i find no words to describe.

“也对，的确不可能
对你这个老是还没做就先放弃的人来说，是绝对不可能的
当你心里想着不可能时，你就已经输了。”

我对很多事一直耿耿于怀，但是我却忘了我现在所能做的
最重要的 首先就是 — 不可以向自己认输

sometimes i couldnt help thinking that i got a crazy sister.

**

suddenly, i’m missing good food. good, oily, fried food. yeah, go on, cringed at the unhealthiness. but it’s just a sudden craving, like how i was craving for a creamy milky bar last night. and i need to call my cousin badly. but look at the time now! it’s rude to call at hours like this. but okay, i will call her up tomorrow. these days, everyone had been swooning and tearing over the movie Sky of Love, and that makes me wanna catch it so much and shed a few tears myself hahaha.

today i was a better girl. i changed the bedsheets on both our beds (though i’m not sleeping on my own bed currently), and it was one heck of a dusty job to do it alone. then after, i folded the one basket crammed full of freshly-washed clothes. the smell of lemon lingers, and i loved smelling the fresh scent of just-washed clothes. but that doesnt means i liked hanging them. neither do i fancy doing housework much. it’s just that i’m the only person who is kind of shaking her legs now at the moment.. so i guessed, i have a duty. tomorrow i will be hanging the bottoms and cleaning the floor. hmm, probably.

the thought of going back to school and meeting sucky people, hanging out with sucky people and pretending to like sucky people just puts me off. whatever’s wrong with me? and no, i have yet to submit that application and i think i just made a friend angry today because i didnt went to submit the documents with her. hm, or was that my imagination working overtime? but i dont really care, believe it or not. i guess, that’s cos i dont fancy her much either.

somehow, i dont feel bubbly recently. and that three new spots of my face added to the proof that things are going downhill. these two weeks, i’ve talked to plenty of people everyday, trying to listen in all kinds of advices and adding them up to one final conclusion. today, i started again. it helps alot. it is really adding up, and the vision in front of me, or in my head is getting clearer and clearer. i can see where i’m heading down to. really. but after all those words of wisdom, somehow, i dont know what is what anymore.

i want to scream for help, to rely on something, be dependent on someone. but that is not the answer. i know for certain that for this one obstacle, only i can help myself, only i have the answers.

the question now is.. how?

 

"If there are three words to describe life, the three words would be: It Goes On."

the world seems very silent now. i’ve just finished the last juicy drop of Alice and now, i’m officially stuck with nothing left to read/do/watch anymore. oh it might be a good thing because i really need all the time in the 4 days left to study for bloody mcomm and finished my bloody resume and cover letter. oh god i hate resumes, i hate cover letters (what the heck are they anyway), and i hate hate mcomm. who cares about how our mobile phones work, who cares about how much receiver sensitivity or how whatever frequency re-use a cell has oh whatever whatever. it’s driving me crazy but wait a minute - it fills me with such rage that’s burning inside me and the evil voice is saying ‘i will tackle you, oh i love challenges come on now. i will master you!’

hahah, but.. monday. wait. it is monday, heck.

To-do-list for 21/01/2008:

-sent in testimonials and values reflection
-finish resume and cover letter (’at least try to, stupid’ - says the evil voice)
-study mcomm
-beg friends for tutorials

anyway, did i mention? i will be officially jobless on the 28/01/2008. say yay? maybe not hiakhiakhiakk, says the evil voice. no more extra luxuries for myself T_T, thinking ten times over whenever i want to make a purchase, bye to sexy bras and pretty undies, byeee to changing mop water, bye to stupid customers, byee to weird colleagues, byeeee to a life belonging to a no-lifer..

and hi to the free time in the world! free weekends yayy :)

but byeeeeeeeee to.. $$$$$!!!!..  T_T!

 

"Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today."

"You can find yourself in unreasonable places, and you can be wrong about alot of things; but if you believe in yourself, and if you choose to keep on smiling, you’ll be okay."

Harry: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
Sally: What?
Harry: I love you.
Sally: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry: How about, you love me too.
Sally: How about, I’m leaving.
Harry: Doesn’t what I said mean anything to you?
Sally: I’m sorry, Harry. I know it’s New Year’s Eve. I know you’re feeling lonely, but you just can’t show up here, tell me you love me, and expect that to make everything all right. It doesn’t work this way.
Harry: Well, how does it work?
Sally: I don’t know, but not this way.
Harry: How about this way? I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Sally: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you, and I hate you, Harry. I really hate you. I hate you.

okay, it’s new year. i can still hear crackers exploding in the night air with a WHEEEEEEEEEE sound. one by one, they cheer in awe of a new year. WHEEEEEEEE, they went, and went..

what does year 2008 means to you? something to look forward to? to anticipate something refreshing, something fun, something nice, all sugary and with a bit of spice perhaps? and what does ending of the year 2007 means? what would come right after? an ending to a bad year and oh yay, it ends, meaning the worse would be over and now, would come the great things that you had been looking forward to?

i dont know what year 2008 means to me. today, it just feels like the ending to 12 months of bad bad days and at 12pm, when the clock strikes, the countdown started again, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and then it repeats over and over again, adding all days into weeks into months and then into the years. and the pattern continues..

what to look forward to this brand new year? yes, the number 2008 sounds refreshing enough, anything but 2007, anything but that bad bad year, filled with the worse days of my life. but 2008.. so what? i see people whoop and cheer, i see people hug and kiss in celebration that they could witness a brand new start together, and what filled their hearts are hope that this new year would bring better things.. leave all the sorrow, hatred, regret, anger, unhappiness and loneliness behind in that year, locked it, jumped into this new number with the key tossed behind.

i want to feel like them, whooping in glee and hope and love, to be swimming in that sea of familiar faces i loved and cared most about, feeling warm, safe and happy. i want to leave this jumble of mess behind and jumped right in after them before that hole of 2007 closes. but i cant. my body might have entered the 2008, but my heartstrings had tied my soul in the past, in 2007, trapped, waiting, staying, lingering, longing.. and hoping..

i cant bear to leave, not really; i dont want to step into another new year feeling incomplete, feeling lost. it feels like i’m betraying Pa and stepping furthur and furthur away from him.. as time ticks second by second away.. as i started writing dates with "2008" behind.. i wont get use to it, i’m not sure when i will ever be.

perhaps, an increment of a digit sparks more happiness, hope, joy, and laughter..

i would be lying if i said i’m not anticipating. but then again, i might be lying about that too.

-

short and brief about my last day in 2007:

1) i got back m-comm paper - i got 46 marks out of 50! whoopedooooooo, this made my day more than a waffle hotdog would seriouslyyy! :)
2) for the first time, i had my first Macs breakfast - alone. it was nice.
3) we closed shop at 8+ and it was fun hanging out and having supper at Macs during the last few hours left of 2007 with Shaz. including shopping! though, it’s a short while because all shops closed early, we had fun.
4) we talked, laughed, talked, while chewing fries, filet burger for her and nuggets for me and cokes for us both. we discovered that we are really alike. ahahahaha, it’s comforting knowing that you’re actually pretty normal and not a nutty as you previously thought.
5) My buys:
- Brown Crystal belt - omgomg i love this but i’m unsure if i can wear it.
- 5 mahjong papers - to wrap parcels
- Scotchtape - to stick mahjong paper together
- $128 worth of LS stuff - for sisters and i

6) regarding yesterday frigging issue with my big sister, the more i think about it, the more pissed i am. and she tried talking to me in this voice like i am a 3-year old this morning. excuse meeeeee. this makes me more pissed than ever. then, she want me to use the $50 she gave me for transport this month to buy her bras and that she will ‘pay back the remaining’. like hello, then why in the first place did you gave me the transport fee for? %^&#$@ and to think she got like, 2 or 3 months worth of bonus? dont give me money then.

-

okay, i know it’s very bad to be at loggerheads with your silbling during new year, but sometimes, circumstances cant be helped. i dont wanna be rude or anything but who starts this first by minding her bf’s blankie so much? yes you read correctly: a BLANKET.

yes yes, your bf’s blankettt is so frigging important and pure and clean.

haha, i’m being such a bitch on the first day of 2008.

-

new year resolutions! people make them every year, but they make them for fun and how many actually stick by it?

so i’m not going to be greedy and make a list of items that i would forever procastinate and never achieve. so.. just a few well-wishes for everybody!

.. May Ma be happier and may things go her way and runs a smooth path for her to walk on, more good people come and help along the way, may she dont worry so much and live each day with a spring in each step and may she be healthy and strong,

.. May my big hot-tempered sister grow more mature and be more sensitive,

.. May my second sister work higher up the ladder and perhaps, achieve her dreams of studying business, and do learn to be a better mother,

.. May my little brother play hard and work harder, make worthy friends in his remaining secondary school years, master his guitar, and be a more mature and sensible boy,

.. May my little nephew, xavier baby, my favourite boy continues to grow up as he is now - cheeky, happy and funny - and more less mischievous and thoughtful,

.. May my brother-in-law, though whom i dont converse much to, build up a steady carreer, be a better husband to my sister and a wonderful father to my nephew,

.. May i, be more thoughtful, responsible, cheerful, happy-go-lucky and less annoying, get mad less, take up some anger/frustration/patience management course, and be more hardworking and considerate! and perhaps more sociable than now. and be a better daughter, sister, aunt, colleague, friend.

.. May Pa, really rest in peace. and may you know that we missed you so. terribly. and we loved you so much.

.. and to my friends, and darlings, to be able to succeed in whatever they’re doing and happy working towards their goals!

 

God, just packed everything nasty, hurtful, unhappy and regretful away and rained some fairydust for everyone. 2008 marks a new start of a hope, that after the heavy down-pouring rain, indeed comes the rainbow. would you bring a better tomorrow than the yesterday?

 

"Friends are there to let you be yourself and to accept you for who you are now and whoever you may be tomorrow. it’s important to remember that people change and grow, and as friends we need to let them happen; we need to lend our support, not our critism."

you know, i’ve once copied a quote that i really loved, into my old blog. i still love it now, very much. pity it didnt seems to be hammered inside my brain. please rewind and let me undo these sins. can you do that, god?

If I forgot that you were someone who had once gave up hopes and dreams for me, you were someone who had rejoiced when I was born, someone who understood sufferings and failures, who is learning and stumbling and learning with every step of fatherhood - i’d have been bitter and resentful and immensely selfish. I can imagine a dozen Perfect Fathers in my life, but what’s the use? You probably could imagine a dozen Perfect Daughters too. At the end of the day, we are who we are. Because love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit out own image.. otherwise we love only the reflection of our idealism we find in them.

I love this quote, it speaks so much. i had always known, always loved, always keep reminding myself. but how come humans always let anger, or bitterness, or our selfish-ness, take over the most humane part of ourselves? why couldnt we forsake, relent, and give in when we could? as usual, the question begins with a why.. and ended up in question marks.

 

Love is not easily angered, it keep no records of wrong.

Do you know how it feels like to be waiting and anticipating for something, someone, and constantly worrying whether your break time clashes? do you understand how it feels putting contacts just to look nicer in the morning and looking up every few minutes to search for the shop’s front for those familiar faces?

Do you know the the feeling of having the thought, ‘they’ll be here! soon. yup, probably on their way right now!’ passed through your mind a dozen times per hour? do you, do you? and the disappointment and confusion that washes over you after the crowd had cleared out, the metal door clanged shut and still, there’s no sign of them?

Yup, I did, today i felt them all.

1st optimistic thought of the day: oh never mind, i will get over it. in fact, i’m getting over it right now.

and then, when you came home, you’re all grumpy and gray and shrieked at your sister for wearing a top that you’re thinking of selling. for what? do i have to vent my irritation on others? what’s up with me.. afterwhich you felt guilty and tell her that nevermind, she can wear it anyway as long as she likes.

and then, you’re distant with your mother too, keeping your lips tight - you dont wish to say too much. what’s all these grumpiness about anyway? hormones overfried?

-

i met Serene for lunch today since she’s conveniently working at isetan! :) a quicky lunch - fish soup mee for her and tao suan for me and sticky bubble teas afterwards. Cat and Flora both drop by to visit too! it’s a happy day, seeing all those familiar faces.. :) i guessed there’s nothing i should be complaining. take this phrase, extract from my current favourtie book,

Take, for example, Elizabeth; she lies in bed worrying about car tax and phone bills, babysitters, paint colours. If you cant put magnolia on the wall then there are always a million other colours you can use, if you cant pay our phone bills then just write them letters telling them. I’m not playing down the importance of these things, yes you need money for food, yes you need food to survive, but you also need sleep to have energy, to smile to be happy, and to be happy so you can laugh, just so you dont keel over with a heart attack. People forget that they have options. And they forget that those things dont really matter. They should concentrate on what they have and not what they dont have. And by the way, wishing and dreaming doesnt mean concentrating on what you dont have, it’s positive thinking that encourages hoping and believing, not whinging and moaning.

i think i had mention this phase before, but i’m re-reading the book again, so there!

-

2nd optimistic thought of the day: 2 more days..! just 2 more days!

-

.
.
.

Dear Pa, i.. miss you so so much. Ma does it too, and just this afternoon, we both cried over you again. Ma sitting on the floor, and me, standing up. Ma was taking out that plank of tile that you had cut and intending to glue it back to the tileless part of the sink but never got the chance because you told Ma that one of these days, you guys can go to Si Ma Lu to purchase a stronger glue for both the sink in the kitchen and the bathroom. so many things that you had left behind. so many planned tasks and dates that you wanted to do soon, but never got the chance. one topic leads to the other and we started talking about the day before you went away - the places that you went, the things that you say and do.. Ma’s blaming herself but i think the blame should be inflicted more on me.. why hasnt i stopped you from ironing all your shirts and pants that day? why hasnt i bother to say, ‘Pa, take a rest.’ or even offered to help you? why am i always neglecting your needs, thinking you dont need them, thinking you’ll be okay? why am i so awful, dreadful and terrbily selfish? Dear Pa, you must be disappointed in having such a useless daughter like me. Dear Pa, have i disappoint you too many times but you never once did say? Did everytime i mention why you kept drinking and coming home late, or you cant even open the front door yourself, saddens you greatly? I’m feeling very miserable over all of these. i kept thinking about the things that i should have done, but never bothered to, about the times i only complain and complain but never did try to find the sole reason and only kept asking why. i never bother to ask if you’re tired out working and ‘Why dont you take a rest and we go out for a nice meal?’ so many things i never bothered to do.. and now, it’s all too late.

these tears should just keep falling and falling. i dont deserve to be your daughter. i had done too little, ask too little, care too little, share too little and complaint too frequently.. Pa.. Pa, would you ever know how sorry i am? how i wish to undo everything that i ever did to hurt you, how i wish i had a second chance.. just one more.. and i promised this time i will do it right.

Dear Pa, Ma is acting very strong on the surface. she is still going to her new job everyday, buy lunches for us when she comes back, cook us dinners, read newspaper and sleep at the same spot every night. But somehow, i sense a great sadness about her. she never often says how she is feeling, but after that talk we have about you this afternoon, i could hear her sniffing quietly in the kitchen. Dear Pa, everyone misses you very very much. i supposed, the person you cant let go would be Ma. but you need not worry, she still have us, i swear i will take good care of her. though she looks fine on the surface, i know how much she is greiving deep inside. she loves you alot you know.. though she’s always nagging at you.. but she loves loves you.

Dear Pa, xavier still remembers that you always take him to airport to watch the planes fly. he looks at your pictures, and still can call you ‘Gong Gong’. often, he will go to your altar and says things like, ‘GongGong, i’m going school now.’ i wonder if you can hear.. can see?

Dear Pa..

You know what! Today i’m feeling so lucky and happy. it’s such a lucky lucky day because m-comm paper is almost (almost) a breeze! i think i might just pass ;) but okay, let’s not jumble things up and just keep big mouth shut and fingers crossed tight for the second time!

somehow, i feel that someone is watching over me, keeping ugly questions away from my sight! but shhh, there’s still one more to conquer tomorrow before i can really kick my books and papers and pens under the bed! (since my bed is totally crammed full of my clothes/paper and plastic bags/books/bags/and more clothes!) yeah, if you can probably imagine the sight.. it totally resembles a pig sty :) - thankfully i’m not sleeping on it!

at this time, i supposed to be continuing studying BB for tomorrow 1230pm paper. but i will just take an hour break alright? i will strive on after i finish this post. hehhh.

recently, due to not needing to rush to work almost every evening, i get to watch Prince Jumong on the telly every night! he’s so cool and smart and clever and cute and so so intelligent i tell you. i really enjoy this show. tomorrow’s episode is gonna be totally fantastic! but guess what? i got to go back and hang bras and tag underwear tomorrow evening. :( wakey wakey, no more leave till 6 days later! ohmygod. i’m so not getting used to work. now, it feels like i’m no longer working already, haha, can you believe this fantasic feeling? but i need an income. so thou shall not complain and be miserable or angry over this. yes, i feel so sensible! on a happier thought, i feel this spark of excitement bubbling inside me at the thought of going back to see my colleagues and check out the new stock! :) and.. speaking of colleagues, i saw Flora in school today! i was crossing the bridge to get to my examination room while she’s heading out. such coincidence, i havent seen her in really a long long time. i was surprised that she could recognise me because i cant! nice surprises. she said she will drop by soon!

(i just realize this post is full of exclamation marks!!!)

anyway, i chanced upon this comment that speaks truely..

its not going to be easy and dont hasten this process of growing up. you will hurt you will get angry, you will cry, you will pine, you will long, then you will cry, you will get resentful, then its the same emotional ride all over again and you wonder why but you know why. everything happens for a reason.

.. short and sweet, but really quite true. though, depending whether you believe if all things happen for a reason. i believe but just that sometimes, the level of resentment overcomes sensible thoughts, and flipped the calmness in you. it’s like a switch, on and off, and sometimes with a flick, the switch just drown everything into darkness.

you know what.. ? oddly, it still feels very surreal and unacceptable.

wonder when this will last..

-

oh i love you. very very much.

3rd post tonight, but this is just something quoted from another blog:

i realised a very sad truth -

everybody kept saying that we should cherish the people around us.
but we, somehow, will never be able to do it ultimately.

some wished they had not quarreled.
some wished they had known him better.
but undoubtedly, everybody misses him and wished he was still around.

i cannot imagine losing a loved one like that.
you weren’t given a time frame to count down to his/her departure,
you weren’t told, or even hinted that he/she will be leaving,
everything came as a surprise. a really bad one.
i think the agony is really beyond words.

 

.. it’s really beyond words. that’s why sometimes i find no words to describe my feelings. i rather keep numb and everything between "…."

how i wish you’re still here. right by our side.

lately, miscommunication with groupmates seems to make my temper incredibly hot and tears of frustration just fell uncontrollably. is it them or is it that i get angered very easily? i would like to know because feeling pissed every single time sucks bigbigtime. mouth set in a grim line, brows creased, train lines appeared, eyes smoking fire. hmmm. have you ever feel this way before? yeah, it’s so frustrating and i just wished i have a guy in our group. maybe i can communicate better huh.

-

i wanna go shopping..!

just 2days ago, i went to meet with vette and qi after school, going around fep to hunt for hollywood secrets to do qi’s hair. and guess what! the shop isnt there anymore hahaha, yay for us ‘cause we dont wanna wait around for hours for her to do her hair! =x so we went shopping but didnt buy anything :( and we had a very cheesy lunch of pizza hut. i dont think i’ll ever step into that place again unless for their garlic bread and spicy wings! their pizzas are too terrifying for me.. *shudder*.

and then.. we went WS! :D neoprints and burger king..

ah, that pretty sums up the most exciting day i’m gonna have this week. unless i am going out on friday.

-

nuh-ed today and i totally think we might as well be invisible there and let the doctors and teachers yak and yakkk about the same topic for what, 3 hours? they seriously keep repeating their conservations and i’m bored out of my mindddddddd. thank goodness, at least i get a free ride back. and the IT people there are terribly R.U.D.E! booooooooooo

-

seriously, friends are such hypos sometimes. maybe cause i’m one too. oh yay.

 

p.s. school starts on monday!
p.s.s time-table out tomorrow!

"Too many people spend money they havent earned, to buy things they dont want, to impress people they dont like."

aspirin&honey works so well together, hmmm. right now, i’m really hungry. soya bean milk for dinner, accompanied with a rainbowed donut to make up for the donut factory ones which i’ve never tried before. it wasnt very yummy though, and i was saddified! i cant wait to get my mouth on those hor fun and fried rice leftovers on the dining table, yum! but food would have to wait ‘cause i’m putting on my alternate days mask now and it’s lovely. honey, you like? i love thefaceshop pearl masks too, they’re soo soothing! tried one of da’s last night and i swear i’ve gotten fairer! HAHA, yay.

tomorrow it’s saturday and it gonna be both good and bad. good as school’s out for 2days, and bad ‘cause i’m working afternoon shift but i’m not gonna start complaining and whining down here like a kiddo as it’s my decision to put myself to such misery. so i gonna wake up at 10am tomorrow, have a nice breakfast and read my new fabulous book, The Book of The Dead, bathe at 1130pm and headed off work with a mission and a smile on my face. (i hoped) lets hope and pray that tomorrow i wont see any stupid annoying kiddos trying to destroy whatever they touched. usually i loved kids, especially cute ones but i cant stand the ones i’ve been seeing recently. Mother of child, could you please take the reponsibility of taking charge of those brats you’re bringing in? They kicked at the display table, the bras (yes would you believe), stomped around the window area which has a white floor thank you very much (you wanna clean?), tugged and pulled at the big and heavy poster that might snap and crushed on them and they’ll become pancakes and LS staff will to be blame ‘cause you might accuse us of not taking care of your kids. so please i hope you keep the leash tight, thanks.

today an annoying little girl keep touching the comestics on the counter, asking me,"what’s this", "whats that", and she almost drove me crazy that i politely plucked the body lotion out of her hands and said,"sorry" and put it back into place pointedly. she’s damn annoying! pardon me if you’re a great lover of little girls who has itchy fingers and likes to peek underneath the dressing room to see her sister trying bras, BUT I CANNOT STAND HER NONSENSE. and now, i’m known for my fierceness for naughty kids that whenever a kid is up to some mischief, my colleagues will go, "Adeline, go, you fiercer!" Aw. it’s funny, in some way watching them respond to your dagger eyes and polite words. gosh, on a side note am i really THAT fierce? hehe. kids, back off! cute&well-mannered ones are very welcome(:

-

this week of school is terribly slacked. i felt useless when sitting beside the girls clueless at what i can help out with. which is tons but i dont know HOW. it’s pretty frustrating and i hate the feeling. we had subjects selection today and i was thinking, whats the point if i couldnt even pass this semester? but i choose anyway, mobile computing, broadband technologies, web services and gaming. all freaking electives that i hated but who says you can have choices in this area? ever since year1, i was stuck to this. and it sucks. to me, school seems more like an obligation than anything else. now. i just wonder how long i can withstand the stress of all this. we’ll walk together till the finishing line wont we?

-

my n72 is still in a very much crank state. it’s quite troublesome to check my phone every few hours for messages and when i do see one, the message has been texted since hours ago already. check out with the handphone guy at eastlink and my beloved n72 is only worth 200?! it’s not even a year yet! :( and i’ve paid twice the amount for it. hit myself. so i either go get it fixed at nokia care, or trade in and get a better one. seems like unnecessary money eh? but my n72 is really my darling..

-

chanced upon something super like me during surfing net in school:

"as we grow up, we learnt that the one person who isnt supposed to let you down, probably will, and the person you never thought would be there for you, is. you’re going to have fights with your friends, you’re going to lose some of your friends, you may even fall in love with one of your friends. you may eventually lose someone you loved and love someone you never thought you’d find. People are going to hate you, love you, love to hate you and hate to love you, but the ones who meant the most to will always be there."

how incredibly true.

today i met a friend on the bus. maybe i should have called her a "stranger" ‘cause we rarely converse. we see each other in school and sometimes, our eyes will meet and we’ll smile in greeting. other times, we simply pretended we didnt see each other and continue our ways. we’re just passing each other by. but she isnt a "stranger" as she is someone i know. though, barely. i know her name, how she looked like, could recognise her backview, called her by her names several times, had her number in my phonebook, and i even know her chinese name. i doubt she know mine though. i meet her on the bus on several occasions already but other times i just stood while she sat. but today, on the bus, i had to pick to sit at the seat where i’m surrounded by more empty seats. and when i saw her boarding the bus, she dont have a choice but sit next to me. smiles and hellos were exchanged, and i pick the conservation up by asking her about school and stuff. she replied with smiles. i smiled back in acknowledgement, going,"oh yealor yealor" every few seconds. then the conservation ended when i realized that i have nothing left to ask. and she kept quiet too. and then when it came to my stop to alight, we exchanged polite byes and smiles and just then, i couldnt wait to get out of the awkwardness of the situation. i wondered if that once upon a time, where i had the chance to spark off this friendship when it just began to grow, when i could seize those moments to know more about her, would things turn out differently? i would have gained a good friend, and her number wont be just a "empty" existence in my phonebook. and today i would have been so happy to see her than wanting desperately to alight the bus.

chances, sometimes we might be lucky and have a second time, but most of the time, we dont and something so precious might slip out of our fingers and before we even realize, we had become a "stranger" to the other person.

this is a repetition of my mistake. i have lost count entirely how many times it seems to happen. and i’m sorry.

-

i think i saw someone i had once knew on the bus back to TM this evening. it was a quick glance, a flash of the image in the brain before i quickly turn away, alighted the bus and found that i’m walking faster than usual. i was afraid that it was really her whom i thought i saw. i was unsure. i was afraid that from the very brief moment our eyes met, i thought i saw a flash of recognition went through her eyes. i dont want to know. my footsteps quicken and i just wanna get away. i’m so afraid that she will call me by my name. i’m afraid of the consequences of it.

i’m sorry, friend, if it’s really you, i’m just not strong enough.

"Take any emotion - love for a woman/man, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you dont allow yourself to go through them - you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief, you’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails."

But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in all the way, over your head even, you experience it fully and completely, you know what pain is. And only then you can say, "Alright, I have experienced that emotion, I recognized that emotion, now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

Hmm. I’m reading a phrase from If You Could See Me Now, and it reminds me so much about myself.

If you cant put magnolia on a wall, then there are always a million other colours you can use; If you cant pay your phone bill then just write them letters telling them. People forget they have options. And they forget that those things really dont matter. They should concentrate on what they have and not what they dont have.

 

How very true; I really think so.

I chanced upon this when surfing blogs, and i do like this entry veryvery much (: It speaks!

The Ex-Snydrome
After being single for some time, some of us tend to think back about our past relationships, and perhaps fixate on one or two of our exes. This may even happen if you’re in a relationship, but maybe things aren’t going too well.

Our brain may trick us into thinking about a certain ex, and then suddenly, BAM! You realise that you may have let a good thing go, and BAM! You realise that you’re still in love with that ex.

But the question is - are you really in love with that ex? Or are you more in love with the time you were in love with that ex? Do you really miss that ex or do you miss the time when you were in heart-pounding-sweaty-palms-chockful-of-serotonin love? Do you miss the person or the emotion of it all?

They are two completely different things, but sometimes we get tricked into thinking they’re not.

Ok, maybe I didn’t articulate myself clearly, am rushing through this, but I think you get the gist of it.

Ya, so don’t be fooled ok?