how does it feels, to like someone, but then you got this feeling that his feelings for you arent the same, and will never be returned.

i guessed, it must be a really distressed feeling. i was telling a friend that i will always feel that i’ll never be good enough. and he told me, ‘you haven change for the 3 years i known you :D". i want to say that i did change, it just that the tiny, insecured part of me never left. i have to work harder, to change and be a so much better person. this shall be my goal for this year of life without school. and the next.

no regrets yet, missy. thats the best you can give yourself. even if it’s the second best!

i’m feeling rather happy tonight. a slow, exhilarating feeling spreading warmly down to my toes. it feels great to be happy, it rocks to be positive. i’m feeling abit deprieved of shopping cos i haven been buying any clothes for almost 2 weeks. i know, it’s supposed to be great that i’m not spending unnecessarily but a girl needs some therapy to keep herself happier!

as much as i always wanted to blog more, to pen down the random things flying inside my head, i dont have a fantastic memory unfortunately!

i missed him, as much as i dont wish to, i still do. i see his little nick, last on my list, and i felt the ache. the ache of wanting to talk but i cant. there’s always so much to be said, endless things that i can tell him. then he would listen, looked at me with his smiling eyes and laughed. i love a listener. i love someone who can just know what i’m thinking inside just by looking at me. i love someone who can laugh with me. non-stop.

i love a mcflurry in the night.

i love talking to J; he perks me up :)

today, later, when i wake up, it’s gonna be an awesome day! for just a day, i want to forget about those annoying nagging fluttering issues. i’m not having butterfiles in my stomach - i’m not.

11:04am -

today is old boring friday, and here am i, sitting in the office, shaking from the cold in my seat. it’s friday come on! but it’s very boring all the same. probably cos someone is on leave today and as much as i dont wish to admit it, his existence do make a very big difference during these hours. i’m craving a joke or a laugh from him so much right now that i’m telling myself, "you got to be joking."

oh yes, i do wish i’m joking.

and as i’m typing this, i’m yawning with my mouth wide open and the pile of appeals sitting on my left is getting thicker - though today’s stack is thinner than other days. okay, i’m not going to be complaining about the appeals cos it seems to be my only rice bowl for the moment.

oh lifeeeee.

i’m missing you right now - just whatever are you doing? are you awake? or still in your sweet morning slumber?

2:19pm -

today is one of those days that, surprisingly, i got nothing much to do on my list. the appeals tray lay empty, the excelsheets full and my inbox totally zero. i’m incredibly bored, thus another short post. just back from chicken rice for lunch and the food looks hideous. you can jolly well imagine the taste. i’m not having my share of fun this afternoon. the office lacked of something - a certain prescene maybe? haha - and it stays cold, empty and quiet. i want to say this again - i miss him.

12:32am - now

i’m back from dinner at zhong huan and it’s great food. except i seems to have a weak stomach lately - i get full easily and i feel sick if i ate too much. and i’ve been wasting half of my food everytime i ate a meal. this truly got to stop as i’m getting bonier each day - or so my family and colleagues proclaimed.

to tell you the truth, i’ve been checking my phone dutifully for traces of a particular someone’s texts. and - i was rewarded with one half an hour ago. i feel my heart beating faster. it’s crazy. realization dawned to me that he is actually not the sms-kind-of-guy. his texts were both short and vague. and he sleeps rather early mind you. i am not really getting used to the idea that someone is actually sleeping earlier than me. compared to his replies, mine were rather long. does that make it obvious that i’m happy, keen and eager? i hope not. i’m still soured and upset about his hasty remark yesterday on the train. probably he will never know that it actually hurts me pretty badly. oh well, i better try to forget it and get it off my mind. you just cant be taking every negative comment to heart, can you. i know myself and i will change. the truth always hurts doesnt it.

but all the same, there’s this little bubble of happiness bubbling in my stomach as his name flickered over my hp screen. along with unease. i just dont like the way i’m feeling, the way that everything about him is affecting me. i dont sound like me. i dont feel like me. i’m afraid of this me. and something that bothers me:

i think he got a girlfriend.

p.s. i got a feeling i should be deleting half of this entry soon. i should be acting cool. i should keep my heart locked up. no no, i shouldnt start liking someone whom i know i shouldnt. the end, okay?

i think i just saw the most gorgeous phone: sony ericsson k660i - you can never go wrong with black and red!

today, i went to collect my graduation attire which was rather lovely, like an oversize nightdress. it cost a whooping 50 bucks to rent you know, but i’m happy that i have gotten it today cos i’m not gonna be free to collect it on other days. after that, lunch and movie with Jas, followed by a disaster date that i rather dont talk about and back to TM for nasi lemak as dinner. oh yeah, and the new store that sells crepes! both tasted great but we didnt finish either, what a waste of money. we’re too spoiled seriously! :)

i mentioned my feelings about him tonight. it was so rare for me to speak about my feelings for someone so bluntly. but tonight, i have no idea why, i just feel like confessing everything, struggling to find out why the heck did i suddenly care so much about someone that i was missing him on days i didnt get to see him. he came down yesterday though he took leave and i did try to hide the joy i felt when my eyes fell on him. it was stupid, it feels kiddy, silly, and funny all at once. i dont like the way i’m starting to care, starting to want him in my field of vision everytime i looked up, starting to stirr.. - but what about J? what about S? are all these three different sets of feelings the same?

i’m confused, yet i feel ashamed. why am i so fickle. they say i need to feel with my heart, and not the brains that just seem to register all the flaws. what i know is, i want and i need stability. i dont need a guy who looked good. those guys that looked good and is good in the heart doesnt exist. i had long stopped believing that they do. they dont, and even if they do, you just wont be their last girlfriend. but somehow, like always, knowing what you want and what you need is different from feeling what you want and need. i know that i want and need everything, but my heart tells me that hey you dont exactly need those, do you. you just want to hold them for a while, feel top of the world for that moment, and then, it wont be a want anymore since it’s already yours. you will chuck it aside and search for something else. something better, something improved. there will always be things you chuck aside, not knowing to cherish, not thinking of them as blessings. and once they are not yours anymore, you suddenly want them back again. life is complicated. we are always making things hard for ourselves. we’re unsure of the path that we’re walking on, and we’re just going with the flow, following the crowd. we want what everybody have. i want to step out of this crowd, i want to be different. everyday i told myself, from today onwards, my mentality will change, i will seek and strive for something that i truly need, where i will find my place in, where i feel most at ease. being with someone who cheers me up simply just by a smile, a look, a pat on the head. who makes me laugh all the time so often that i am always the last to finish my meals. someone who never let me walked behind him, someone who tries to open doors for me but often never succeed cos i was always snatching for the door handle. someone who can read me and can judge me so cleverly. someone… who can make me burst out in laughter early 9 o’clock in the morning, someone who make me turn my back on just to hide my smiles, someone who always scold me for not having breakfast, someone who says i smell good. someone who can make me feel safe and secure just by simply standing next to me.

.. are you that someone?

another busy week.

time seems to run 5 times faster when you’re at work, i have no idea why. i have a good week at work this week, and i’m feeling excited about monday, call me crazy. i’m completely piled up with paperwork but i’m enjoying though i’m complaining and whining all the same. i had fish mee for 3 days in a row and i have enough of it. seriously! it’s delicious and healthy but imagine eating and tasting the same stuff for 3 days was just a little too much. while work’s been good, it makes me feel stupid however, all thanks to my colleagues :) they just loveeee insulting me and have me bursting out in fits of laughter in random moments - even when i’m buried in work! thanks to my stupid brainless answers i guessed. it’s really making me feel stupid. am i that ignorant, seriously? that’s worth a thought.

i meet up with my sisters and XY after work and it was really fun, something we haven been doing for ages. i bought cardis, make-up fixer spray and hp pouch and i’m soooo happy, completed with dinner at pastamania (jas’s idea) and i totally regretted picking creamy chicken - puke please. it was delicious at the first bite, tentative at the third and totally grossed by the fifth! i missed the chicken and mushroom pizza :( char, are you seeing this? - or is it the ham and mushroom pizza? :)

p.s. Mum’s birthday, Mother’s Day and Ah ma’s birthday are coming!

no work tomorrow, 2 days of refreshments!

 

i’m worrying about graduation ceremony. i dont know if i should go.

it’s been a happy happy week. i’ve never knew working could bring so much joy and experiences. i’m learning something new everyday, and though i got teased and get called "cannot make it" five times a day, but amazingly, i’m still rather happy.

despite that the fact that i have to key and check up hundreds (okay im exaggerating here :D) of ICs a day,
despite the fact that whatever that comes out of my mouth arent always something intelligent and most of the times undelibrately funny and dont make any sense,
despite the fact that i never interact with any girls,
despite the fact that the pay is bloody darn low,
despite the fact that i have to wake up at 549am everyday,
despite the fact that i’m always brooding over what to wear for the next day,

i’m actually excited about everything. picking out outfits, entering data, snatching papers out of people’s fingertips, enjoying my window seat with views of the carpark, high-rise buildings that i drooled about working, and workers doing construction work. about what to have for lunch, where to eat, finding places in the overly-packed coffee shops, crossing those lengthy roads, swinging our passes, riding the lifts, clacking around the office in my heels, having people coming by my seat to talk to me, and a temp staff who’s leaving soon treat us to cupcakes today! even the parts whereby i got teased, laughed and insulted at was pleasantly enjoyable. i had lost the number of times that i laughed today :)

it had been a good week! and here i sat, drinking my leftover honey milk tea from yesterday, feeling strangely contented. i dont mind this feeling staying for a while; i really could get used to this.

today was almost a perfect day.. until the sky chosen the moment in which i was crossing the lengthy roads of Orchard Road to start flicking big, heavy drops or rain onto the black ground.. and onto me. within seconds, these heavy droplets morphed into sheets of dirty water.. and i was tempted to flick out my tongue and taste it hahahaha. but darn i was caught in the downpour as everybody dashes for the shelter. but i’m happy cos the reason i stepped of Wisma and into the rain, was to get my Mango belt :) and i got it yay!

you know what, i really and completely understands how a sales girl would to feel if a demanding customer, aka me, asked to have a new piece changed to another new one due to a small teeny weeny flaw. it happens so many gazillions times to me when i was working in LS! but who cares heeheehee, i’m the customer now! i was apologetic okay. but it’s true when they say customer is always right. plus i cant stand visible flaws on something new. it’s funny somehow, when you put yourself in other people’s shoes and positions, you probably could have understood how they felt.

so, it’s pretty important to think in other shoes sometimes! :)

another thing, i bought so much stuff today that i had swiped my NETS at least six times. it’s such a real guilty pleasure. i’m pleased, but at the same time, completely horrified. what do i think i am? filthy rich? it’s also very important that i learned how to control and curb my spendings!

for three days in a row, my feet had pounded the streets of Bugis, Orchard and PS. i’m proud to say that my poor feet is aching terribly - even now - and i would really love a free foot massage.

 

**

after weighing the pros and cons, my decision hovers, and the fact that i still am in very much doubt of myself and my capabilities are the barriers to the success that could have been mine.

i had a long day today and i’m sleepy right now!

retail therapy is always damn fantastic though i came home with just a brand new tube of lipice balm :) i’ve received my two new tubes of mascara this week and that makes me very happy too. shopping is really spuning me to want to work hard to score a good-paying job so i can buy whatever stuff i liked hahahaha - but of cos, life is so much more besides shopping and spending :) but i’m a girl, and shopping is my weakness… ! heh.

my aunts, ah ma, and mummy cooked nasi lemak today. it was fantastic! kudos to my talented family! ♥♥♥

p.s. i love Vaseline’s range of moisturiser! have been using it for 2 days now and let’s pray my legs and hands will become smoother hahaha :D and i’m smelling soooo good!

 

i’m just wondering when out of these few coming days that i will have find a newly powered-up surge of courage to submit my uni application. seriously, i arent fibbing. i’m getting weak in the knees and having trembling fingers as i started filling the online form and then, grow cowardy and clicking the X on the top right hand corner of the window. dont ask me, dont tell me; i know, i’m becoming a stupid nutcase. and it’s all because of this uni matter!

i dont want to have regrets, i dont want to have regrets (chants a million times)

i just had a talk with Mum just now (again) and she kept assuring me that i dont have to worry about the fees and all - and just to go study if i really want to. it feels really good and relieved after hearing her reassurance. but of course, it didnt help erase the guilt and the confusion that comes back after a while. Mum says i think too much, why am i thinking so much, so far away? she asked. indeed, indeed. call me a worrywart.

but by monday, certainly the application must be filled out and sent. asap! i’m giving myself one more final day to rethink if it’s worth it. if it will be worth it. because you will never know, but then again of course you will never know because you didnt try did you. there’s always something to counter-attack my worries and my answers. why life is so frustrating and contradicting and crazy, full of decisions and worry attacks, i will never know. it would be nice if i dont have to make a choice somehow. i’m actually one of those kinds that would love it if people help me make my decision (sometimes lah, not always). maybe it’s because if it ended up being the wrong decision, i will have someone to blame and not myself hahaha. why am i so indecisive ohmygod. dont say, i hate this side of me too, OK. it always ended up with a conclusion that I-am-indeed-a-COWARD. in caps, yes!

today is a pretty much boring day; i slept late last night and i ended up being awake only around noon and for the whole day, i have this dead feeling, dragging my feet around, brushed my teeth and have lunch. and the day ended with my lazing around the sofa, the computer, sitting on a small stool in the kitchen, licking my McFlurry (i loved it) and watching Jas crack an egg to make a batter of dough and flour. she dipped the 贺年糕 into the batter and volia!, you have very nice pastries. (do you called them pastries? oh i dont know!) it was really pretty good, and there i was, telling her to eat one first and 2 hours later then i will dare taste it - if she didnt start getting runs first hahaha. and i ate three :D

i fell asleep on the evening again - i can never have enough of sleep these days. i really need to go out soon, go shopping or a good breakfast or something. it had been ages since i’m out for a good breakfast! normal days i just stuff a piece of bread and cracker or gulp a glass of juice or milo. i’m missing Killiney’s food but it’s weird to go back there. i’m missing french toast with maple syrup the most!! (swoons) but uni stuff must be settled before i go outside to play. and i have to have 4R pictures taken and collected way before 23rd so i can submit my documents together with Jt. so many things to do in such a rushed time!

so how? to do or not to do?

To-do List:
- Submit online application
- Look for a part-time job!

tsk, tsk.

在给我多一点点时间 好不好

i’m feeling rather fainted right now.. exams are over and that’s really great - but the feeling that comes right after kind of sucks.. like, what should i be doing now? should i go look for another job? data-entry.. f&b.. or, back to tagging undies? there is truly arent any room for much choices, i realized. (-.-)

so, today is the first day of me, yet again relishing the freedom that i’m having at the moment. it’s really.. uh shiok. but i think i better start doing some housework soon! (damn my eyes are starting to i*** again)

**

 

想说， 我还是非常的想念你。。感觉上， 你以然在我的身旁
空气中， 还残留着你身上的香水味。。你。。 一直都在这吧？
在我摸不到，也看不到的地方

my eyes are blinking rapidly, desperately trying to squeeze out more tears to make up for the dehydration of my eyes for having contacts on for more than.. err, 11 hours? oh somebody shoot me please.

right now, my groupmates and i are trying to distribute out tasks for BB and netsec damn bloody projects and i’m not really paying attention. my feet hurts, my shoulder aches, and my arms lacked strength. my head is doozy and sleepy and my tastebuds is relishing the taste of cold milk in my mouth. oh something abit strange, the bb book that sat on my lap smells absolutely fresh and good. hmmm..

ANYWAY, the main point is, our distribution of tasks is over and.. i’ve gotten one of the few worst ‘what are you talking about’ topics. oh, how lucky do i always get? we have one individual report to submit on tuesday and not a single weeny thing is done yet! oh gosh, i should start asking my brain to panick now, so my hands will react to the tasks that’s flashing neon RED.

DO NETSEC
DO BB
DO NETSEC
DO BB
DO NETSEC
DO BB

.. NOW!

sigh, like not really working eh? help!

-

one happy thing, i bought a blue top yesterday and 3 cheap watches, and a hoodie :)

one sad thing, Kakak called me yesterday and it was a missed call and i didnt call back.. - guess what? she wanted to give me off today actually! but bloody one, no fate one, i thought they wanted me to do some dirty job so i ignore it. :( stupid stupid girl. or i could think of a million fun ways to spend a friday!!! WITH NO WORK!

one sad thing, in the end, i went to Bugis and exchange my pretty blue top for a sensible grey one. the shop was trapped between countless of distractions but thank goodness - i found it and i was happy :) never mind, i loved grey.

one sad thing, it was abruptly Kakak’s last day at TM today. maybe the feeling hasnt really sink it yet, it was still abit too sudden.. i was thinking maybe next week or something.. ! but life is always this unpredictable, ennit?

one happy thing, yayyy almost everyone i knew passed BB with flying colours! i loved our lecturer; he’s so lenient :)

one sad thing, everyone scores high marks while i only scored a number 66. didnt i earnestly just wished that just as long as i passed, i’m happy? so whats this now? sulking and feeling sullen that i HAD indeed passed, but my marks arent as good as others? haha, bull’s eye!

one happy thing, Jas came to meet me for my break today :D we had 7 slices of Yakun toast and cant finish them, and their french toast pretty much sucks - oh i missed Killiney’s.

one sad thing, i dont want to do my assignments. :(

another last sad and happy thing, i feel like such a petty girl sometimes, loving the feel of stabbing those who stabbed me. this friendship is strained, it’s cracking, it’s falling, it’s vanishing, it’s nothing. i’ve been taught that friends do come and go, and while those who matters will leave footprints in your heart, some others are just not worth going after.

p.s. but shucks, i’m still sulking over such friendships. not worth going after indeed. i hate things that made me sulked! humpfff.

-

Happy things: 3.5
Sad things: 5.5

Verdict: oh, i’m just such a sad person! :(

the time now is 1:53am and i’ve just spent 6 hours queueing up for my turn at Maple Clinic since 7pm.. and i was the LAST one, No.46! lucky, lucky me. :D

and i spent so so much today: snacks, tori-q, drinks, cab fare, cleo magazine, clear mascara, and $135 worth of Maple stuff!

omg, so broke, so so brokeeee. and tired, eyes twitching.

 

but nevertheless, i feel pretty contented right now. more shopping yo!

okay, it’s new year. i can still hear crackers exploding in the night air with a WHEEEEEEEEEE sound. one by one, they cheer in awe of a new year. WHEEEEEEEE, they went, and went..

what does year 2008 means to you? something to look forward to? to anticipate something refreshing, something fun, something nice, all sugary and with a bit of spice perhaps? and what does ending of the year 2007 means? what would come right after? an ending to a bad year and oh yay, it ends, meaning the worse would be over and now, would come the great things that you had been looking forward to?

i dont know what year 2008 means to me. today, it just feels like the ending to 12 months of bad bad days and at 12pm, when the clock strikes, the countdown started again, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and then it repeats over and over again, adding all days into weeks into months and then into the years. and the pattern continues..

what to look forward to this brand new year? yes, the number 2008 sounds refreshing enough, anything but 2007, anything but that bad bad year, filled with the worse days of my life. but 2008.. so what? i see people whoop and cheer, i see people hug and kiss in celebration that they could witness a brand new start together, and what filled their hearts are hope that this new year would bring better things.. leave all the sorrow, hatred, regret, anger, unhappiness and loneliness behind in that year, locked it, jumped into this new number with the key tossed behind.

i want to feel like them, whooping in glee and hope and love, to be swimming in that sea of familiar faces i loved and cared most about, feeling warm, safe and happy. i want to leave this jumble of mess behind and jumped right in after them before that hole of 2007 closes. but i cant. my body might have entered the 2008, but my heartstrings had tied my soul in the past, in 2007, trapped, waiting, staying, lingering, longing.. and hoping..

i cant bear to leave, not really; i dont want to step into another new year feeling incomplete, feeling lost. it feels like i’m betraying Pa and stepping furthur and furthur away from him.. as time ticks second by second away.. as i started writing dates with "2008" behind.. i wont get use to it, i’m not sure when i will ever be.

perhaps, an increment of a digit sparks more happiness, hope, joy, and laughter..

i would be lying if i said i’m not anticipating. but then again, i might be lying about that too.

-

short and brief about my last day in 2007:

1) i got back m-comm paper - i got 46 marks out of 50! whoopedooooooo, this made my day more than a waffle hotdog would seriouslyyy! :)
2) for the first time, i had my first Macs breakfast - alone. it was nice.
3) we closed shop at 8+ and it was fun hanging out and having supper at Macs during the last few hours left of 2007 with Shaz. including shopping! though, it’s a short while because all shops closed early, we had fun.
4) we talked, laughed, talked, while chewing fries, filet burger for her and nuggets for me and cokes for us both. we discovered that we are really alike. ahahahaha, it’s comforting knowing that you’re actually pretty normal and not a nutty as you previously thought.
5) My buys:
- Brown Crystal belt - omgomg i love this but i’m unsure if i can wear it.
- 5 mahjong papers - to wrap parcels
- Scotchtape - to stick mahjong paper together
- $128 worth of LS stuff - for sisters and i

6) regarding yesterday frigging issue with my big sister, the more i think about it, the more pissed i am. and she tried talking to me in this voice like i am a 3-year old this morning. excuse meeeeee. this makes me more pissed than ever. then, she want me to use the $50 she gave me for transport this month to buy her bras and that she will ‘pay back the remaining’. like hello, then why in the first place did you gave me the transport fee for? %^&#$@ and to think she got like, 2 or 3 months worth of bonus? dont give me money then.

-

okay, i know it’s very bad to be at loggerheads with your silbling during new year, but sometimes, circumstances cant be helped. i dont wanna be rude or anything but who starts this first by minding her bf’s blankie so much? yes you read correctly: a BLANKET.

yes yes, your bf’s blankettt is so frigging important and pure and clean.

haha, i’m being such a bitch on the first day of 2008.

-

new year resolutions! people make them every year, but they make them for fun and how many actually stick by it?

so i’m not going to be greedy and make a list of items that i would forever procastinate and never achieve. so.. just a few well-wishes for everybody!

.. May Ma be happier and may things go her way and runs a smooth path for her to walk on, more good people come and help along the way, may she dont worry so much and live each day with a spring in each step and may she be healthy and strong,

.. May my big hot-tempered sister grow more mature and be more sensitive,

.. May my second sister work higher up the ladder and perhaps, achieve her dreams of studying business, and do learn to be a better mother,

.. May my little brother play hard and work harder, make worthy friends in his remaining secondary school years, master his guitar, and be a more mature and sensible boy,

.. May my little nephew, xavier baby, my favourite boy continues to grow up as he is now - cheeky, happy and funny - and more less mischievous and thoughtful,

.. May my brother-in-law, though whom i dont converse much to, build up a steady carreer, be a better husband to my sister and a wonderful father to my nephew,

.. May i, be more thoughtful, responsible, cheerful, happy-go-lucky and less annoying, get mad less, take up some anger/frustration/patience management course, and be more hardworking and considerate! and perhaps more sociable than now. and be a better daughter, sister, aunt, colleague, friend.

.. May Pa, really rest in peace. and may you know that we missed you so. terribly. and we loved you so much.

.. and to my friends, and darlings, to be able to succeed in whatever they’re doing and happy working towards their goals!

 

God, just packed everything nasty, hurtful, unhappy and regretful away and rained some fairydust for everyone. 2008 marks a new start of a hope, that after the heavy down-pouring rain, indeed comes the rainbow. would you bring a better tomorrow than the yesterday?

 

"Friends are there to let you be yourself and to accept you for who you are now and whoever you may be tomorrow. it’s important to remember that people change and grow, and as friends we need to let them happen; we need to lend our support, not our critism."

back home, worn out, tired and feeling so broke :(

i’m feeling damn materialistic lately, doing loads of impulsive buying - bags, tops and those little bits and pieces that adds up to quite alot. whatever is wrong with me? it’s like, i kept falling in love with stuff and simply just buying it because my bank account hasnt go empty yet. so.. what? i’ll only stopped after it had emptied out?

and.. i’m buying another bag i’m sharing with Jas.

Mum is going to go bonkers on me if she knew! i just show her my black bag which i kept hidden among my junk on my pig-sty bed *ahems* and luckily, she just nods and say ‘that’s nice’. :D thank goodness she hasnt started shouting at me yet; i had such a lovely Mum :) but i bet she will go bonkers on me if she knew what other stuff i planned to be buying.. or if she started browsing through the piles on my bed..!

the LS gift-swapping took place this afternoon. i got to see everyone’s presents, and it turns out that everybody had gotten their gift prepared only today! haha, it’s really amusing seeing how everyone troubled and panicked over what presents to give. they managed to swap after the arrival of Rini and the canadian pizza delivery - frankly, i’m not that crazy over pizzas! i can say no to them over any day.

somehow, i felt left out in the swapping thing while they picked a name and squeal over the stuff they had gotten. like a bunch of people oohing and aahing by the counter while you were somewhere in front of the shop, toying with a bunch of undies.. okay, i’m making myself sound absolutely pathetic. whatever. some feelings are better off finding no meaning for and just leave it to rot in my brain. yes yes, that’s right.

speaking of gifts, Lia bought me a necklace from Helen! i am happy about it, thank you. and Cat, she gave me a brinjour (oops, have no idea of the spelling, but it’s purple with green stem on top) shaped magnet cum pen! thank you too - it’s adorable. and lastly, Char bought us cute massengers, thank you :D, it’s cuteee but my Mum is afraid of it when i show her hahaha.

anyway, today work came with a pretty bad news: kakak is transferring over to Vivo city. i’m upset of course, though i didnt really expressed it. tell me, if the person seem quite keen about the whole transfer issue thing, and is looking forward to the challenge, would you show your unhappiness to that person? that’s why i kept my mouth shut about it. it makes absolutely no sense for me to be sad if she’s in fact happy about it.. what do you think?

i hate changes normally; i hate it when people i liked working with leave before i could leave myself (hahaha). but well, change might be good as who knows if it would bring something new and different? so, why not?:)

meet up with the girls for dinner at Villa’ge after work. the meal rocks and the food is so good that i feel completely bloated after that! however, some thoughts were running through my mind like a treadmill like always. i’m felt sad, troubled and lost.. for these friendships which will forever have its limitations no matter how close we seemed to be, or how much fun we have in these gatherings. i know it myself, i could feel it in my heart. something is changing, altering - or maybe had already changed; we arent in the past whereby we used to see each other everyday, lunched and hit malls after school together anymore. we’re growing up, growing, perhaps in a separate direction from one another.. something kinda like a star you know? beginning at the same point but ending in different routes, though staying connected.

oh well oh well, why am i spoiling a mood like this now?

-

reminders to myself, here’s a list of tasks that i really must get them done:

1) update bank book
2) apply for ib and ib device
3) photocopy scan of matric card
4) check with polymates if there is school on monday
5) submit the citibank form
6) curb my spendings!!

-

this mouse really sucks! i have to re-write 1/4 of the post due to it clicking twice or thrice when i only click ONCE. argh!

7) CHANGE A NEW MOUSE!

 

Thoughts right now: should i get the bag?!

p.s. i’m not referring to the bag i’m sharing with Jas - yes, i’m talking about another bag!

will somebody punch me please.

okay, i came home with very achy feet, a loaf of Delifrance’s french bread, butter cossiant (i’m so proud and happy to say i pronouced the word ‘cossiant’ absolutely accurately just now! :D) and a big black LS bag containing 8 bras (haha, i buy them for Mum and my aunts!). tuesday is filled with very annoying customers who jolly well knew their undies’ sizes and still went to unhang every piece of L size ones, including messing up the undies rack, and talking to me in a very snotty tone, like yeah, you buy our undies, that’s a very big deal huh? there are really an endless bunch of stupid customers everywhere!

okay, self-control, i must be patient, i must be kind, i must not talk bad about them though it’s very true and they deserved a hole in the undies they bought. i must nottttttt - wrinkles, wrinkles!

right now, we’re having this awesome post-christmas sale! i bought those 8 bras at 70% off, excluding the extra 15% discount given to staff tee hee hee. i think i saved them at least 100 bucks :) i’m gonna get mine on the 31st! yay, i’m so happy though i’m currently like a few hundred bucks short of pay. :( hopefully, the loss will be included in next month pay!

lunch today was healthy - sliced fish bee hoon with milk of course! - but i ended up really hungry in the evening thats why i lugged back the french loaf and the buttery cheesy cossiant(somehow, this spelling seems wrong)! and i bought mineral water to drink. not nice and i got sent to visit the toilet more than usual.

i want to watch I am Legend!

oh i sound really perky. and empty actually.

you know sometimes you will think, you have no exact favourite food in the world? everything seems nice to your tongue and everything seems to be your favourites, but i think today, after chomping down a waffle hotdog, i daresay that that is my most favourite snack ever and ever. it is the best combination in the whole wide world; its sweetness just surrounds the taste of the hotdog so purrfectly and i love love it :)

it’s really unhealthy though!

a few minutes ago, i just smsed Kakak to tell her that i cannot participate in the gift-swap. seriously, i hoped she understands and not think that i’m stingy or whatsoever. you know, sometimes how people just think stuff of the wrong way, thinking you’re just giving a weak excuse, but then again, who do i owe this explanation to? it gets tiring if i explained too much, and sometimes i think it’s better to give up caring.

i knocked off two hours earlier today and it’s great. BK breakfast accompanied by iced lemonade and milo, sales sales sales, and laughter filled the entire working hours. we sold many many pj’s and packed many many many gifts boxes and it’s like repeatedly doing the same action over and over - fishing out a piece of thin tissue from the folded pile, slapped it on the counter, flipped the item to be wrapped in the middle and slap, slap, slap with scotchtape repeatedly at the edges, flopped it into the box, closed it, and sealed it with the LS label tape.

and a customer beckoned me inside the fitting room and managed to amaze me with her ahems. oh wow - am i just lucky or what? some people really enjoyed fawning their assets, daring to walk out in the public like that when their boobies are at the risk of popping out. i guess they like it because it makes people’s eyes popped out too? at least, mine did! hahahah. *shys*

libraries are so boring nowadays. i dropped by there just now and spent an entire hour picking up books and putting it back to the shelves in the end. it’s like, oooh, this cover is gorgeous! -picks it up- ooohh, this seems interesting! -picks it up- and then, omg this must be good! -picks it up-… but in the end? i dismissed one book after another and in the end, i’m left empty-handed. pffttt. The Lovely Bones that’s it. unfortunately for me, the moment i stepped out of the library, the sky is roaring angrily and rain was hammering on the pavement in many many straight lines. blessed the umbrella! but freezing to death (i had smartly choose not to bring my cardigan) is one thing, and getting constantly splattered by the rain is another. wet and cold just doesnt go well together. brrrrrrrrrr!

you know what i really need right now? good songs, terrific songs, english or chinese no matter. i just need NEW songs!

bloody jay chou new songs - can you believe i still hasnt hear it from my ipod? after like, 2 months since i have uploaded it inside?!

right now, i still feel incredibly grossed-out by the series of Aliens’ movies airing on SCV for these past few days. those slimy, slimy slime.. ugh, and to think i was eating my dinner while watching it! i think i can never watch an alien movie ever again. it’s gripping in a way that makes you wanna see how gross and ugly the aliens can turn out to be one after another.. but other than the kickbutt moves and the series of bangbangbangbangbanggggg shots, i dont think this is my kind of movie. it chills down to my spine! brrr.

i think i will stick to nice, heartwarming, hot-chocolate-y romances for now. heh.

anyway, speaking of shows, one drama that i really really want to watch right now is, Which Planet Did You Come From?, a korean series that starred a really sweet-looking girl and this hunk of a guy who is in quite a number of korean shows. sigh, i wonder where exactly will i have the time to comb through the entire drama. in between working like a starved dog and sleeping like a starved pig, i dont really have any time to sit back and enjoy. (how many times a day must i go through this whining? ha, get used to it :D)

i’m still thinking whether i should take part in the gift-swap this year. it will be fun, it will be stressful, choosing a random gift with minimum of 15 dollars. i would love to take part in such an once-in-a-while event but then again, i had asked, and Mum told me not to. and then again, i dont really have any mood to rip open gifts and then ‘oohed and ahhed’ in pretense delight. i rather go catch a movie and stuff chips by myself. but then again, maybe not. being alone would be a very sad thing during this christmas season.

-

sometimes, like today, you know what, the way one tiny issue can set off a chain of events make me really at awed.

like, after work, i went up to Sans Bookshop to look for books to rent, and at the same time, hoping i could track the book that Da wanted, The Golden Compass for her and guess what! i’m so lucky, lucky to spot the book lying on the counter just when i was about to go up and pay for my book! turns out that someone has just dropped the book off - no wonder i couldnt find it the last few times i was there. so, i paid for the two books and hurriedly called Da to let her know. she and i starting talking.. when she suddenly ask where i was and that Jas wanna buy rochers for her colleagues. i was frowning at that point of time, really, i was super tired and i just want to go home and cuddle my bear. but i couldnt say no, so i have to call Jas and ask her what rochers she wanted to get. which leads me down to watsons and fairprice but i still couldnt find what she wanted. so, she asked to meet her at the mart and we might just find something there.

sigh, you see, one phone call due to a kind act can lead to a trip to watsons, fairprice and the mart whereby i waited for her for like, half-hour before she came flying down - when i just wanted to go home and snore like a pig from the beginning. (whines) and then, i never thought of spending a single cent but in the end, i spent a total of $36.90 buying shampoo and ZA foundation at watsons. T_T and plus the rental of the books, $36.90+$27.00 = $63.90 :’( ah, sigh sigh sigh! worse still, when i went back home, i realized that Da had actually bought the foundation for me!! there goes my $33.90. SIGH.

okay, i have enough of whining. ha.

anyway, the other book that i had rented is called The Lovely Bones - i hoped it’s good!

-

just about today, a friend smsed me and asked me when would i be free to start visiting universities’ open houses?

is it really so soon?, i was wondering, gripped by a sudden wave of disbelief. universites sound so faraway. i still feel like a kid, putting on socks everyday, smoothing down the creases of my uniform. how could time just flew away like that? where have they gone to? to think that we are always wasting bit by bit of our time, and when it accumulates, it leaves you dumb-founded and shocked.

time, could you please slow down?

-

and just today, i opened, stacked, and bundled away 2 big boxes of g-strings and undies.

.. is this wasting time too? hmm.

Work is pretty fine today. anyway, i went up the shelves to check my reservation bag yesterday and i was shocked to discover how fat and bulging my bag had become! and as i rifted through the garments that i had reserved, those sports wear yada yada, that few spags, pjs, panties and manymany bras - and it got me thinking what the hell are these doing in my reserved items? why did i put aside that 2-piece gym wear and white tank top when i know myself that i will never wear it? did i want it because it’s 2 for $50? or am i going to buy it to coax myself to gym? i think, by the time i decided to go gym, those tops would never fit me already! it’s skin-tight and just body-hugging. and those spags which i wish to keep for myself and Jas? you know what, i’m never a fan of spags. so did i put it aside just because it’s 3 for $45? and those ga-zillions panties - i have the most number of them in that bag!! they’re pretty, but you know what, i had put aside the same design ones but with at least 3 different colours each! ohmygod WHAT AM I DOING! i think i’m really crazy. so now, the worse thing is, i’m left with those huge stack of stuff which i have no actual intention of buying, but i think i might be force to buy because my colleagues had bundled up the left-over stock and all boxes are all masking-taped up and ready to ship back to the warehouse where they shall gather dust there. :( ugh ugh ughhhhh. Note to self: Never ever put aside stuff that you have no intention to buy at all! Do not be tempted by the prettiness/gorgeous-ness of the objects! i think i’m like that. for all these months of working there, i’ve been happily sneaking in items and it somehow multiplies without my knowledge! bummer! dont tell me i need to buy those bras which i had reserved not one, but three colours of the same design! or that what, 15 panties? or that cotton blue pjs, 2 purple and pink tops, black long-sleeve, black spag, gym wear, and.. eh 10 other bras?!

oh-my-goshhhhhh.

hmm, which makes me wonder, why dont i go and work in a jewellery shop like Tiffany’s or Cartier after i graduate?

just thinking about the bling-blings that would be in my reservation bags just make my eyes widen as big as dinner plates! hohoho..!

 

Note to self: Do not buy things just because it’s cheap and on sale. Do not bundle buy!!

You know what! Today i’m feeling so lucky and happy. it’s such a lucky lucky day because m-comm paper is almost (almost) a breeze! i think i might just pass ;) but okay, let’s not jumble things up and just keep big mouth shut and fingers crossed tight for the second time!

somehow, i feel that someone is watching over me, keeping ugly questions away from my sight! but shhh, there’s still one more to conquer tomorrow before i can really kick my books and papers and pens under the bed! (since my bed is totally crammed full of my clothes/paper and plastic bags/books/bags/and more clothes!) yeah, if you can probably imagine the sight.. it totally resembles a pig sty :) - thankfully i’m not sleeping on it!

at this time, i supposed to be continuing studying BB for tomorrow 1230pm paper. but i will just take an hour break alright? i will strive on after i finish this post. hehhh.

recently, due to not needing to rush to work almost every evening, i get to watch Prince Jumong on the telly every night! he’s so cool and smart and clever and cute and so so intelligent i tell you. i really enjoy this show. tomorrow’s episode is gonna be totally fantastic! but guess what? i got to go back and hang bras and tag underwear tomorrow evening. :( wakey wakey, no more leave till 6 days later! ohmygod. i’m so not getting used to work. now, it feels like i’m no longer working already, haha, can you believe this fantasic feeling? but i need an income. so thou shall not complain and be miserable or angry over this. yes, i feel so sensible! on a happier thought, i feel this spark of excitement bubbling inside me at the thought of going back to see my colleagues and check out the new stock! :) and.. speaking of colleagues, i saw Flora in school today! i was crossing the bridge to get to my examination room while she’s heading out. such coincidence, i havent seen her in really a long long time. i was surprised that she could recognise me because i cant! nice surprises. she said she will drop by soon!

(i just realize this post is full of exclamation marks!!!)

anyway, i chanced upon this comment that speaks truely..

its not going to be easy and dont hasten this process of growing up. you will hurt you will get angry, you will cry, you will pine, you will long, then you will cry, you will get resentful, then its the same emotional ride all over again and you wonder why but you know why. everything happens for a reason.

.. short and sweet, but really quite true. though, depending whether you believe if all things happen for a reason. i believe but just that sometimes, the level of resentment overcomes sensible thoughts, and flipped the calmness in you. it’s like a switch, on and off, and sometimes with a flick, the switch just drown everything into darkness.

you know what.. ? oddly, it still feels very surreal and unacceptable.

wonder when this will last..

-

oh i love you. very very much.

Yayness! one paper down! :)

today’s paper is very tough and not very tough at the same time - meaning i know the answers but i’m not sure if i’m correct because my friends got other answers! well, i’m keeping my fingers crossed at the same time, hoping lady luck is with me for this 3 days of term tests! tomorrow we have m-comm and BB the day after! goodness. i was studying just now, surrounded by my family’s laughter and endless chattering (relatives who dropped by for dinner included). i wish i could join of course! but orh-hor, i have term-tests tomorrow ugh ughh ughhh.

the weather in the morning is all i could have hoped for. i looked out of the window, and it was lightly drizzling. but the sun was up and the cooling air was lingering over the house. i like. thank God for the weather! it’s not sunny but at least it isnt pouring sheets and sheets of dirty water ;) so i got nudged up to look after baby xavier while they left for Mandai while Mum and aunty went to the market to shop for groceries to cook lunch/dinner as the offerings. things went pretty well - to sum it all, they came back from Mandai early and the meal that Mum cooked was delicious. plus xavier is being really adorable and oh, i just love the way he speaks :)!

recently, i wonder what’s up with my daily diet. my face is breaking out a little again and my skin is so terribly dry, plus i dont look that good. is it all the stress.. ? Ha! imagine me, stressed! hmm, but very likely, because as i’m typing right now, i’m still worrying over tomorrow’s paper, gag! lots of stuff to memorise and lots of calculations - ohmygod. i need coffee! should i go to sleep now and wake up early in the morning to mug, or should i mug all the way till dawn and sleep after that?

choices, choices.

i’m quite delighted these days, though with lots of thoughts and worries weighing down my mind.. but i think it’s all for the best if i start learning to be more optimistic! well, there’s always a first in everything and flowers also took time to bloom, right? so now, my christmas resolution (does people makes christmas resolutions anyway?) is to be more like that!

so, would you be my friend, Mr Optimistic? :D

I’m thinking of you

you know what now, i’m trying to write, i’m really trying to write. i’m trying to put my feelings into this words, simply, but a thing called writer’s block is getting onto me. i’m supposed to be writing flowy words, telling stories out of my head, my heart, and hammer them into words with this surge of power. but nah, nothing comes to my head, it’s empty, blank, nada. i want to find my tweety spectacles cloth and wipe these debris off the lenses. it’s so hard to see, i cant even see what i’m typing clearly. suddenly, these words that i’m typing right now just keep punching on and on by my clumsy fingers. god, i dont even know just whatever am i typing right now?

i think life is full of mystery. under the fancy exterior, for the moment, you just want to go out and have fun, and enjoy life to the fullest. dates, partying, endless photos-snapping sessions, falling in love, shopping, etc, to be like others. then when some tragedy strucks you unknown, you will fall back and think about those partying/having fun days - did they used to exist? how can you ever enjoy yourself so much once? how can you be so selfish while others suffered silently? how could you how could you? do you even deserve to be happy? the tragedy seem to have struck a chord in you, break it and left in un-mend. that’s how i feel. unspoken words, unspoken feelings. they’re priceless. but of course, i will never know. and you’ll never hear me say them.

i think influence is a real scary thing. whatever people say, be it true or not, you will believe. though suspicious, though something’s nagging at you, you will still believe 80%. once others started tapping words or gossips about others into your head, your mind will drink it in, going ‘oh i didnt know she/he’s like that! how could she/he?! now i know.’ people wont stop to think if they should judge it for themselves or not. they let others do the judging and go along with them. and even if you realize that the facts actually werent like that, part of you will still think, ‘they say she/he is like that. maybe she/he really is..’

that’s how scary influence can get. and shameful to say, i often get trapped like that.

but that’s really a habit hard to kick, like a drug.

do you get influence easily too?

why is it so hard to look for a decent header? argh, i’ve been on it for the past few days but i find.. nothing. absolutely nothing! :( okay okay, bottomline is, i’m sort of bored with my current layout, ha! okay okay, i’m supposing to be mugging ultra, extra, incredibly hard for my netsec paper on tuesday but .. hee, a girl gotta rest, aint it? though i’ve been slacking and over-extending my break ever since 5pm.. ? or was it 4? hmmm okay, never mind.

the past few days had been pretty slack for me, oh helpp. i kept telling myself that i’ll go out and study or something, just anywhere but at home where procastination takes place all the time. but i woke up at almost 12pm every morning (somehow i loved snuggling in those rumpled sheets and rolled around them for a few more hours), took my time to eat my breakfast/lunch, read a few pages of The Zahir, brought out the pile of papers and my precious nice-smelling BB textbook (seriously, i can never get enough how nice this textbook smells - like brand new! must be the $11 i paid to photocopy the book), study for like, one hour before staggering back to Mum’s room because the living room is totally chaotic. baby xavier’s screams and shouts, sister’s big loud mouth, teevee laughing, bro tapping on the keyboard - arghhhh, i have enough. and through closed doors, the buzzing sounds in the living room still can be heard loud and clear, sigh! i’m clueless how can i concentrate like that. but bless tomorrow - i’m going to have a few serene hours :) i hoped!

recently, the sky seems to be getting greyer.. and greyer. raining non-stop the whole day really gets the pig out of you. i was studying so studiously when my gaze switched over to the cozy bed and the sheets of rain outside the window.. and -flop!- i was on the bed till 7pm. somebody kill me please. where have the motivation gone to? okay, never mind, i think it will come back tomorrow. :)

one more day to the first paper! i’m so excited. yeah, right.

-

11/12/2007 is going to be an important day.

 

i thought of you each time, and the things you used to do, used to say will flood into my mind.

and then, my face will start to crumple.. this is another cycle. and on and on, it will go. forever and ever.

guess what? The Shopaholic Series will start filming next january! :)

i think i shall not sleep that early tonight and start preparing my BB notes. it’s absolutely shiok-ness that weekends are without work. it’s been so long that i get to sleep in late wakakaka. but okay, no, NOPE, tomorrow I GOT TO GET MY BUTT OUT OF BED AND TROOP TO AIRPORT OR SOMEWHERE QUIET TO STUDY.

I HAVE TO!

*

sometimes, dont we always wished for someone to be there? to be your pillar to lean on, to be your mattress which standby by your side in case you fall, to be the pair of arms that would catch you and protect you, be there for you, tell you that ‘everything will be alright’ - even if it’s a lie, a consolation.

you know what, at times, i get sick of being independent. i get tired of holding myself upright all the time, tired of keeping troubles to myself, tired of getting mad at people but they have no idea, tired of the unspoken feelings i kept locked up in the depths of my heart, tired of mending those cracks again and again, tired of.. just simply tired. do you, do you often have these feelings or am i being the silly one?

i no longer missed that him. perhaps yes, on occasions or places that we used to go, but seriously, the pain is no longer there - just wonder. it’s such an irony that it takes a heartbreak, to forget another.

i rather remember that previous pitiful heartbreak than suffered another even more heart-breakingly heartbreak. life is full of tests, corners that we are all curious or afraid to explore. in the circle of our comfort, we just want time to stop at the particular moment where we feel the happiest, the most blessed. pity time doesnt works like - not at all.

christmas is coming - the season of snow, twinkling lights, presents, sleepovers, stockings, cookies, gingerbreadman, snowflakes, reds and greens, frosty icing, log cakes, love, care, share, giving - have i name them all?

it will always always feel empty no matter how many blessings exchanged; pity santa claus cant make time go back around.

i extremely hate those reckless drivers who are always taking the last second - when the traffic light is just about to flick from orange to red - to choose to accelerate and zoomed past the moment they should have stop. it simply pisses me off the amount of drivers who are doing that all the time! what if they knock into someone? arent they risking theirs and the other perdestrains’ lives? seriously, the traffic police doesnt seem to be doing their jobs properly. i should be mean one day and take down their car plates number! RAHHHH

oh i’m so cold right now, the fan tilting left and right, making everything in its way flutter. including my t-shirt and hair.

this morning, i woke up early, thinking it’s a good time to pull out my stack of books and paper and spent the whole morning poring after them. but guess what - the pig in me decided to read my paperback first (still got time!!), and then later eat breakfast, and then think i should take a nap before starting out the revision. and by the time i woke up for the second time of the day, the time says i got to get ready for school already! sigh @#$@@$8$%# the whole morning wasted like that. i’m really fantastic at procastinating yeah?:(

and i’m really really scared of broadband :(

 

I PASSED MY NETSEC QUIZ :D.. !

today is a pleasant day, well, at least being the pleasant-ness outweighs the yuckiness by this teeny bit. :) time was a drag and it’s even more of a drag when your watch timing is faster by the shop’s by almost 10 minutes. tsk, tsk!

i was thinking alot today, precious precious thoughts, and as much as i wanna blogged all of it down, i dont seem to remember everything anymore :( lousy memory! i shall try to recap and contain them all before writing a list.

so, the only thing i can remember is.. that i come up with something i called ‘Being Calculative’ (calculative not only in number terms but feelings and actions too). which describes me pretty perfectly.

yes, if you dont know me yet, i’m an extremely calculative person. sometimes so damn much that even i feel like pinching my own cheek. i prefer everything to be fair and equal, or if not, taking more than i give. so that i wont be the one hurting and writhing there, so that i’m always at the top and winning. i think i had trained myself sub-consciously to be like that, with my defensive and protective walls up, my brain will tell my body and mouth to do stuff that always have myself in mind first. unless, well, i’m very fond of you. and in that case, i’m willing to do much for you because i feel for you. (be it, in terms of friendship, love, etc) and that’s the only case whereby i feel obliged and happy and proud to be doing the giving. i know this is a bad persona, arent we taught to be caring, sharing and nice all along? but, i think i’ve gotten slapped too much in the face and heart, that’s why i’m having these redrawal symptons now. 

and being calculative at every detail - like why i should do that for you if you dont deserve it or why i must i always be the one who _______(fill in the blanks) - is very tiring indeed. so the one thing i must learn to do is not be so calculative and take things easy. i must learn to be able to switch to ‘i’m not going to care, i’m not going to get angry’ mood automatically. being calculative is making me a very mean and tired person. i must be nice, giving, loving, caring, sharing yada yada. i’ll try at least.

i want to learn to be like you, Pa.

and today i shall start from.. changing the stinky greying mop water when it should be that lazy ass, Shaz’s turn. dont be calculative.. i’ll just lecture her again soon, heh.

 

it always takes a tragedy or a very bad incident to teach people things. why god has make life this way i wonder. but of course, every single thing that happened means a new lesson is being taught. just that i feel, this lesson is just way too expensive. i cant afford. i cant get over it. i cant sit up straight and say, ‘okay, i’ll start afresh. i’ll pick myself up and be strong.’

i am strong. just not strong like that to forget my mistakes my guilt my pain, Pa.

i’m wrong, i’m wrong. i could only ask silently, pray silently, for your forgiveness. i miss you each and every second. it multiplies and accumulates. it feels like it’s exploding. but i’ll keep the tears in and keep on going.. and looking back at every step.

wakakaka, a funny thing had just happened!

jas was suddenly screaming from her bedroom. a short shrill. i sat in front of the computer for a few short silence before deciding to take a peek on what the fuss is about. i pushed the door slightly opened -and there she was huddling behind her blankets sniffing.

at first, when she told me "spider", i thought it would be some hairy black spiders you saw in spiderman. thats why i went next door, knocked and have da and her bf killed off that creepy thing. but it turns out to be..

the cause: a daddylonglegs on her laptop

ah-ha, it’s me laughing this time round. suddenly, i was imaginating if it’s my turn the next round.. who would be the one laughing?

-

i just bought a kelly green top! let’s hope i will wear it someday, but even if i chuck it aside, that’s always something to be wore on cny right?

a quickie before i jumped into bed..

up to date, there are really really really many many many things that i should be doing other than working: my chapter 3 report that i had barely started and hello girl, dateline is on wednesday for god’ sake! netsec quiz on tuesday and i’ve only started reading chapter one. and not even able to finish it. and there’re four chapters in total, HELLO. and there’s the website that we need to finish correcting and compile for tuesday’s revision, and i still left a few more stuff to add and delete, come to think of it. and final judging is on fridayy. the big big day. the day when This Annoying Website Can Say Goodbye To Us. oh my. i’m soooooo doomed. i need to hire a life planner.

anyone up to organise my messy life?

besides these annoying tasks that screams PLEASE DO ME, i really need to note down the dates that i have to take off on december. there’re the term test, 10th onwards omg, family’s outing, term test’s study week.. kakak is going to slaughter me.

there’re seriously SO many things to do and i dont know where to start.

so this is what i’m going to do tomorrow, after work:

1)do first part of chapter 3
2)study netsec quiz: chapter 1-3 (unlikely, but i still hope for such a possibility)
3)anyhow do a research on thailand for mcomp

see, this is how organise i can get.

damn, i forgot to mention broadband quiz on friday.

i really really need a break from work for me to settle all this knots, arghh. if only it’s this easy as saying it out.

payday on monday but pay’s already in my account. just hope i wont spend unnecessarily, recklessly, and without-thinking-ly.

 

can yesterday turn one back around?

-

cough cough and sputters*

tonight, as i sat typing here, everyone’s in bed, including da and her boyfriend and the world, to me, is silent. i can only hear the sound of these keys tippy tapping away, and i’m distracted by the flickering of the smiley face’s mouse that gan-ma bought back during her beijing trip.

i just did some mcomp studying, claps on my back and pats on my head for being almost goody-goody. but ha, who am i to kid? no matter how much i seem to be studying, or whacking my brain cells over a certain question, i seem to only able to give up in the end. that’s me. i’m ashamed of that me, for the matter, but i’m always unable to kick away that bad habit. ‘give up give up’, stupidly, seems to be my motto. and i still daresay i wanna graduate? but the question is, do i deserve to?

-

today marked the 31th day since that day. somehow, funnily enough, it seems like just yesterday, and yet, ages ago at the same time. as usual, i dont know what to think. on the outside, i look cheerily enough, almost like my normal self, laughing and cracking and talking to the best i could with my terrible sore throat, all smiley and sometimes quiet, but i never shown my feelings to these people i see almost everyday. (except that lia caught me crying at one time) but how could they have known, or would even care for the tiniest bit, that inside, i’m weeping? crying, screaming, kicking up a fuss, emotionless-

it’s was only when i’m alone, on the way home from work, walking towards that bus-stop behind the mrt, or sitting alone by the bus window, or at night typing all this shit out, or at night sleeping in Daddy’s room would i let myself feel such despair and helpless-ness. i thought about the unfairness. i ask every god i knew well silently, looking up at the sky, why him? i keep asking. why him? why my Dad? why must he be the lesson learnt? why must his death be the one teaching others to cherish their lives by going for regular checkups? those idoits never seems to care about all these before Dad’s death. so why must it be Dad who let them learnt and realized? arent this unfair, God? i questioned you. if you have a reason, indeed, let me understand so i wouldnt be so resentful, spiteful, be filled with such auguish, misery, guilt and pain for him that no one will ever understand no matter what they say that they could.

every time i sees something that reminds me of him, the turmoil of emotions that washed over me is over-empowering. it gushes through each and every of my veins towards my heart and you know what, it feels like a hand closing over my heart, squeezing it hard. tears will threaten to slip out and i’ll hastily rub them away with the back of my hand. ‘dont cry, you silly girl, dont cry.’ some moments, however, i sat, stunned and shocked, as the truth washes over me once again: Dad’s gone, he’s gone. and it always feels like i’m re-disgesting that fact over and over again, recapping every single incident from 24th again and again, and i feel numbed to my bones. part of me dont believe it, while the other shouts and punch the truth into my head. it hurts. it hurts till it shocks and i feel nothing at all. sometimes i feel happy and fine you know, because i’m pretending that nothing has ever happen. things are still wonderful for all of us, everyone in the family well and fine. but then, something will snap into pieces inside you again and everything started crashing around you, over and over, again and again. it’s like a cycle that would never stop cycling.

death is a great teacher. but it’s too bloody damn harsh. 

i know, i know. people will say, ‘this is life.’ indeed it is. but why why why why why? why him? i still want to understand, to embrace it and let go, but my heart and brain kept racing with this question.

why him? why my Dad?

i’ve been spending alot i dont know why.

guilt filled me.. just what am i doing now? whatever am i doing?

and my milk coin bottle is not even 1/10 filled yet.

right now, my brain feels dead and i dont know what i’m thinking. it got so bad that i put on an orange shirt just now and didnt think anything was wrong. oh stupid me.

work’s fine, i pretty enjoyed myself today, trying on the new/old stocks and filling up the reservation drawer with more bras and tops. now it feels like i’m buying nonsensical stuffs to keep myself occupied and not empty. part of me is annoyed and pissed, like, why am i spending and spending but part of me feels really good. oh, i dont know if that’s good or bad.

yesterday, colleagues passed me an envelope with money and said it’s their token of concern and asked me to accept it. not knowing that i cant, and after their insistence, i took it and mom told me to return it today and said we cant accept because it’s been weeks. i mean, yeah, if they really have the heart, they shouldnt wait till so long. in saying this, i’m not implying that i’m not appreciative. i am, but people can tell if you really have the heart through actions. and giving people their concern after weeks just doesnt makes any sense. i dont know to them, that action is they want to or just simply they have to. there’s a difference. some people wont even bother asking, that’s sad but i’ll live.

anyway, i bumped into a old friend in school this morning. she came and hugged me and asked if everything at home was alright. and i just say, "like that lor." i dont know what to say. what did she expect me to say? i really dont know. and she just looked hesitantly at me, asked me to take care and said she have to go for her class.

i’m uncertain of how i feel about this. my brain is stuck.

school really sucks. everything is like an a