this place seems so foreign now. i could simply just forget how this blog of mine looks like!

was browsing through my entires a few seconds ago and guess what? i can really copy-and-paste an entire chunk of sentences to show you how my life still stops at that particular moment, unchanged.

it feels like ages since i entered in the link of this journal. life, is very mundane. it’s all about school, friends and family. whether i have time to gobble down breakfast, what to have for lunch, if i want to stay back in school to study with the gang, if i can find a seat on the train, if i can still pay my citibank card bills with my allowance, why-am i-still-shopping thoughts, meeting Jas, trying to mug 4 hours a day, trying to restrict my spending yada yada. and on yes, worrying about those oil seeds popping up my face. :(

life is still the same, funny how i thought perhaps a break would do me good. i will come back with surprises, happy thoughts, bright smile, cheerful words… but things seems to be where i had left off. i still worry about the same stuff everyday. i still spent like crazy, i’m still terribly broke, i’m flunking my tests all over the place, i still have trouble mixing around, i still struggle with meeting deadlines for my bills payments. sucks or what? but i still believe, right round a corner, lies my happiness, where i will slowly find a way back to myself.

perhaps the only main difference is.. i’m just recovering from a very bad cough/sore throat/flu. gah.

-

it feels like manymanymany years since our story fell apart with an unhappily after, yet at the same time, it feels just like yesterday. silly, i still remember your face, how your skin feels under my fingertips, how i used those very hands to run through your spiky hair, caress your face, kiss those very lips. they say you’ll never forget your first love. perhaps there’s really some truth to it. i never did forget, you’re just buried at the back of my mind, at the bottom of my heart, behind a locked door.

saw your pictures tonight, perhaps it’s your motive, or simply just a purely innocent concidence, i dont know. i probably shouldnt care, i probably shouldnt even asked to take a look at your photos. but i couldnt resist, i just looked anyway. - you looked good, great even. happy faces, smooth skin, tall muscular body, cheeky grin; you look like someone worth a second look. i was mesmerized, i was awestruck. i knew it was a mistake choosing to look at the you now. somehow, it makes me feel even more depressed. silly yes? you bastard.

now now.. dont get me wrong. i’m just ranting. :) but i know for somewhat, the reason why i still kept all your numbers regardless all these while, that i’m still the fool i am back then. - i hasnt changed. not as much as you’ve changed anyway.

now, where’s the kiddy boy i’ve remembered?

p.s. please let Ma find a job of her liking soon :(

i could still remember the very first day where we met, i was in a white v-neck fox tee and blue jeans, Da’s Kipling orange monkey bag slung across one shoulder. i was nervous, which grew to exasperation cos you were so quiet and i was the one struggling with the small talk. i remembered saying irritably, ‘why are you soooo quiet?‘

those words fell out of my mouth before i could stop myself.

and today, almost four years later, our friendship seems to be very serene. we go out, we hang out when situation allows us, we had lunched, went shopping, gossiped, talked, shared our views, laughed - very normal things that friends do together. but i realized things arent the same as it was years back. these days, the silence that hung around us seemed to be the very staple of our friendship. to us, silence is the thing to hang around after a few sentences. perhaps i dont know how i can talk to you anymore. there are many many things about me, my life, my problems, my thoughts that i would love to share with you. however, i couldnt. i dont feel that intimate with you anymore. the intimacy and cosiness that once surrounds us isnt there anymore. i cant imagine myself shrieking and squealing while happily hooking my arm into the crook of yours. - like i used to do.

funny how things changes. i do miss the old pair of us, very much. nevertheless, i know that change is a constant part of us, and there’s nothing much that i can do to bring us back to the closeness that we’ve once felt.

i do get angry, when i felt neglected by you. today, this feeling almost overwhelmed me, choking me with unhappiness and jealousy. but it subsides soon after, cos at the end of the day, i would still like to be at peace with myself. no point, i think, on second thoughts, you still arent worth that much.

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heartache, this is how it feels like.

dilemma, like a never-ending wave crashing into your brain.

jealousy and envy, both evil green monsters muddling with your conscience, your feelings.

i’m struggling, struggling to keep them all under control. my heart is twisting, so heavy, and maybe i will feel better if i can cry it all out.

you know what i’m wishing now? that i can say all these unspoken words to you, just to let you know, how i feel for you.

i’ve never been so annoyed as of today.

the constant laughter, screaming and yells running bouncing off the walls, and i can say i just wished i arent home. home used to be the place where i seek peace. but not anymore. staying at home on weekends proved to be totally stressful, chaotic and everything ugly. i just want to put a pillow over my head to muffle it all out. anything, just anything. my nephew, is the worse. how can someone who looked so angelic and adorable, be a a total devil inside. he bangs, he tears, he shrieks, he messes. anything that he touches, seems to be damaged soon after a few seconds. anything that he tramples, crumples. as much as i loved him, these are one of the things i cant stand.

and his darling mother, who simply just stayed in the room, yelling a few ’stop it’ every 15 minutes. how does this helps when you dont sit him down nicely and tell him that he shouldnt do that? i dont have that kind of patience, i’m just too annoyed over the attitudes of my family members. one destroys, one dont care, and the other scream along. i dont know how this happens, i really dont. peace okay. thats all i’m asking for. but that seems too much to be asking for the moment.

**

i’m feeling stressed. you dont care, you dont speak. it feels great to give it all up suddenly. i dont want it anymore. if you dont care, so be it. i dont need these crap, thank you. it always take 2 hands to clap, dont you know.

and to think i have such funny expectations. and like i said before, it will hurt so damn much to plummet back on earth.

and i’m already falling, falling; the hurt is seeping in.

friendship comes in cheap these days - how right you are!

for the briefest moment just now, it feels like he’s coming back home. so, so starkingly real.
i got a message saved in my handphone that goes:

Poppidz -
Coming home.

i cant bring myself to delete it. even though it doesnt actually comes from him.. i just cant bear to. you know, i love you.

 

In life, there’s only one certainity. And that is death itself.

i just remembered the other day, i was listening to that song on my ipod. and then, somehow, i found myself pressing the BACK button whenever the song finished and the next song came on. you know why.. ? that’s because you once told me you love that song so and i just felt like immensing in memories of you just then. that was on just another particular peaceful day.

-

i just had a talk with Jes on the phone, talking about uni life and stuff like that, and you know what, upon hearing what she said, i suddenly find that this path that i’m planning to embark on right now seems very scary and uncertain. is this what i really want? i find this question popping into my head constantly. girl, is that what you really want? now, what do you really want? the questions flowing in are endless, and i have this feeling that i might not be able to get the answer after months later. i’m afraid of changes, i’m afraid that i’m risking the whole lot of $24,000 odd dollars and time spent on something that i shouldnt even have thought of touching in the first place. that’s a whole lot of risk involved. especially, a part of the of money that Pa had left for us. and whatever am i planning to do with the money? on my stupid maybe-it-shouldnt-have-happened education.

i know i shouldnt be thinking this way, but the other side of me says, yes that’s exactly what you are doing. wasting the money not meant to be. right now, the thought that i can actually go uni is based on the fact that Pa had gone away and that tragedy is the reason why i can actually start thinking of furthuring my education. somehow, it feels very evil and ironic dont you think.

it scares me, like how everything is scaring me at the moment. this feels like a moment of insecurities, uncertainity and i feel very unsafe.

Pa, i feel like i’m doing the wrong things, making the wrong decision. maybe this is not a risk that i can bet on; it’s like a heavy weight upon me, so heavy to bear.

i’m very confused; please, dont make me make the wrong decision. please, guide me. please, give me a sign.

Saturday, 01.03.08

我有一个坏习惯：
每晚，虽然已刷完牙了，我还是会因为受不了食物的诱惑而开始拿起垃圾往嘴里塞！我都懒得去数数看到底一天要刷几次牙了！
那，真的是one of my biggest坏习惯了！很讨人厌呢。。

唉，都不知道我到底何时能改掉这个只会浪费牙膏的坏习惯呢 – 呵呵！

**

and speaking of brushing teeth, i really should start bundling up my nerves to make a dentist appointment soon.

**

i went and caught L Change The World with Jas, YH and Xavier darling today. it was really gooooood, i love L’s character very much. it was only unfair that he have to die. why oh why. i was hoping that he wont, but everyone says he did, so ..oh ya. and i’m soooo chips overdose today, gah. we bought in alot of junkfood but chipster is really the next favourite chips - though i only tried the sour&cream flavor - i like how the taste is always consistent and just melt in your mouth! it’s better than nachos seriously. i’m never much of a nachos fan like almost everybody anyway, haha. but L movie is realllllyyyy good! everybody.should.go.watch.it.！ :)

**

time really flies. i cant believe it’s March 2008 already and i didnt even realized until like, now. it’s been how many days ever since ____(fill in the blank) already.. ? hello time, you’ve been gone so fast.

 

 

作晚 我梦见你那血淋淋的脸
就是不知为何 血越流越多
我想帮你止血 可是我越是抹 就越是抹不掉
我好害怕 你知道吗
因为 你在也没有张开眼
就好像 那一天

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