sometimes i feel very random,

feel that i am in this need of detoxing. i feel so dirty somehow, and fat. i know it’s silly, but perhaps thats what being out of school for such a long time feels like. - you simply feel out of the world and in a terrible need to move your bones, exercise your mind. rice cakes are a wonderment. i have them for breakfast and then tao suan for lunch. very unhealthy. i feel yellow. i feel that my hands are shaky. i wonder what’s up with the family dinner this saturday. credit cards are such money-savers sometimes - when you have school fees to pay. i hope Jas’s condition is nothing serious. i wish we will get the 7 free movie tickets. i quite like mondays and wednesdays because i get to do my stuff slowly. i am happy when i get to sell off my stuff :) i wish wish friend and i will get the job soon :)

i feel sweaty and sticky right now because i’m sweeping the floor halfway. AND i watched New Moon’s preview last night and am happy to have something to look forward to :>

Happy Birthday, Pa.

–

this Friday + weekend have me fully hooked onto a taiwan police drama Black & White, starring Zai Zai :) thanks to the DVDs, we have finished the enitre 24 episodes in 3 days! very very exciting and thrilling with so many twists that i can faint from shock, i’m anticipating a Part 2 — i hope there’s one!! i believe that the world is mostly tinted in grey. just like humans. we arent totally good, we have our ugly moments tucked away somewhere. the good side VS the bad. what colour are you? :)

–

yay, and we just might get 7 free movie tickets :) hmm, love tea + milk.

–

just received a xxx letter from university. really money-suckers lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i sure hope all these random fees wont bankrupt us before i can graduate in peace. ARGH. one fee after another!

i told myself i’m going stop having distractions (looking for food, watching TV, eye the bed, switching on the PC, smsing people, etc), dig out my bundle of notes and REALLY STUDY. but guess what..? i read 3 pages and officially gave up. my paper is on wednesday, mind you!

little me arent really scared huh.

i’m soooo dead and i’m just beginning to feel the heavy waves of stress.. YOU DESERVED IT!

**

due to the heavy downpour today, i decided to cook YH and me lunch. last week, i cooked us curry maggie mee with crab sticks and hotdogs. ended up that the hotdogs arent even fully cooked! thank goodness none of us ran for the toilet. so this time, i decided to cook mian xian with hotdogs (again!!) and an egg. YES!!! YOU READ IT CORRECTLY!!! i can now cracked an egg without shells dropping into the egg white/yolk!! it’s absolutely perfecto! *proud* i was amazed. well, perhaps i’m just gifted in cooking and i only realized it till now =)

this time, once the water starts boiling, i threw in the nicely-cut hotdogs to prevent any uncookness.. and it turns out terrific!! i think my cooking skills arent very bad actually but if you asked my dear brother, he’ll sure beg to differ. but i still think i’m improving! even if they’re easy to cook stuff.

taste very nice!!! of course.. the bak kua was a nice addition..

**

re-read my morning enty and boy, dont i sound cheesy?! =)

**

i’m reading someone’s blog and envy envy envy!

**

hehe, i just spread manuka honey all over my face just now! any effects? well, i’ll only see them in the morning!

sigh. it’s rather depressing that there are no new themes for me to use (unlike blogspot) unless i wanna steal one and tweak it to fit.

yes, you’re right i’m a teeny bit sick of my layout. is this one of the changes i would like for 2009?

Mmm.. i would really like to make a list of what i hope for in this new year. nope, resolutions they are not. i dont follow them anyway. i just need to make some wishes to brew some hope that they will come true, to make my life a tad less depressing.

it’s amazing how i couldnt write properly when i have people hanging around me, half-afraid that they will pop up behind me suddenly, reading over my shoulder.. it makes me shudder. perhaps i valued privacy more i think, or i couldnt help but mused on the fact that maybe i’m embarrassed to be caught blogging? it’s rather frightening, either way. right now, as the dark curtains fell over the world, the TV is blaring behind me, flashing my current obsessed drama 家好月圆, my baby boy a few feet away from me scrawling cute transformers (i should think so!), Mum cutting her fingernails.. makes it a very ordinary Tuesday night actually.

and oh yes, i mopped and swept the floor today! it’s rather amazing, too, how satisfying it feels after i worked out a sweat doing housework. very tired, sweat sticking my shirt to my body, stinking up my hair, but satisfying nevertheless.

i’ve finished reading Breaking Dawn and Eclipse. the ending is fantastic but.. i wished for more. 4 books is too short. am re-reading Twilight now while i still can! sigh. the movie is quite amazing though, if only they followed the original script fully. it’s just too short.

i havent get any studying done. yet. darn. sigh. i’m so dead.

randomly speaking, i was at Watson’s just now and i managed to grab a sample of a moisturizer i’m very excited to try out and the brightening eye roller at 20% off!!!!! utter bliss. if only i can just ignore that the hole in my pocket is getting bigger…

so happy. but still very worried cuz i haven been touching my books since the last paper on the 18th. a week flew by and i just let myself immerse in the excuse of a Christmas mood. so christmas is over right now, shouldnt i be starting to mug already? get cracking?

am terribly disappointed with myself right now. too bad i dont have any resistance over this. too bad a weakling is all i am.

- comtemplating on getting The Host..!

**watching 家好月圆 is making my very angry.. ahhhhh!!!! bitches.

movies and dramas is pretty what summed up my life the past week. and christmas! and gatherings! and movies!

however, it’s distracting how the dust is piling up at every inch of the house and i’m not doing anything about it. hee! time to put on some rubber gloves huh? and something random, i fetched my dear boy to school today. :) resulting in me wanting to get a copy of Cleo - walking to Esso and realizing that the bloody Cheers dont have any copy - running back to the mart to get another copy -walking back home again. sigh. what a morning! thank goodness for green milo packets and Choco Pies!

*runaway*

.. this week of late night sleepings had disrupted the complexion i had been trying desperately hard to keep in tip-top condition. now, i’m suffering from heavy eyebags that resembles a panda, flaky patchy blemished skin and darn these oil seeds! (at least thats what i think they are) how not to be depressed you tell me?!

.. i’m pleased to announce that i have not been buying clothes for the past two months! a broken record, really. ok lah, not cuz i dont want to spend but i’m too broke after investing in better facial products due to my gulliability. and now i feel like going to get some new moisturiser cuz i suspect it’s my new moisturiser that is making my pores cloggy. sigh, how not to spend money like that? and this is considered a health care, a necessity.. right?

.. i couldnt really get along with her. everything she did, said, just infuriated me more. this is not how sisterhood is suppose to be like. blood is always thicker than water, they say. but so what? does it means anything or just a stupid consoling theory? we all need to grow up, before things get worse.

.. my cousin, who is getting married dropped by with his finance (HAHA, fiancee i mean) to offer joss sticks to our ascendants. and barely stepping in for 5 minutes, they are off in a whiff, leaving behind an unaddressed wedding invitation (quite rude i think) and cake. hmm. cousins huh?

.. Mum got a new job which i think suits her more. she seems happier, i hope this is her turning point for the better. :) she’s happy = i’m happy.

.. i miss you all the same. it’s been a long time since i last write you something; but it doesnt means that there goes a day without me thinking about you. the words are just kept in my heart, unspoken. how do you define yearning in words?

.. i always feel misunderstood. i crave for acceptance, i crave for understanding, i crave for people to remember little good things about me, i crave for people to notice me. but.. how come things always turns out so differently from how you expected it? for once, i wished for predictability.

.. at least, give me a sign? anywhere, even a flutter of leaves, a stirring of the wind? all i have is nothing, nothing. or perhaps i just choose to overlook how fullfilling my life actually can be - if i ever wanted it.

he loved me, but he doesnt loved me anymore, and it’s not the end of the world.

was clearing my handphone and found these notes saved under Drafts:

.. these days i dont have the energy, time, nor feelings to blog so here i am, typing these words furiously on my trusty handphone. life is going on in a mundane and very dull manner. everyday, i woke up, rushed to pour hot water over my body, rinse out the bloody expensive shampoo/conditioner out of my hair, clean my teeth till the muscles in my arms ache and throb, hurry to throw some clothes on, and slip a comb through my hair.. it almost feels like work. i missed my work gang, i missed Z. i missed him everyday when the train stops at clementi and i thought about my chances of bumping into him there, since he drop off at this stop too. but everyday, with the people buzzing around, hurrying off to meet datelines, no such luck. perhaps i dont even wanna bump into him anyway.

school is weird. my tutorial friends are pretty sweet and nice, but since most of them are international students, we dont really click outside the classroom. or perhaps i dont try hard enough to. there is this sg guy whom i met during the orientation. we have so far exchanged 2 sentences but i’ve forgotten to introduce myself properly. i guessed he didnt know my name either. i’m still waiting for the chance to say, ‘hi, whats your name?’

for my other friends, they seem to click with their tutorial mates pretty well. i’m kinda jealous and envious, i admit i am.

–

today is one of the biggest day of Da’s life. i should be happy, just like everyone was. all smiles and the frantic rushes to take pictures with beaming faces. but i’m not. i thought of you, wondering if you’re looking from up above, approving, happy.. i miss your prescene dearly here.

–

sometimes, the realization that he is not here anymore still strucks me dry, hit me hard. how can i not miss you? how can i get over this? - never. never never ever.

somehow, i must keep reminding myself not to be to taken by the recent re-appearance of him. we are now two very different people, living two completely separated lives. dont let memories engulfed you - he is not even a friend anymore. he probably wouldnt remember.

right?

25/11/2008, it’s amazing how fast time seems to run and how i would always, always lost track of time somewhere in the middle. it feels like i’ve forgotten the need to remember the dates. perhaps, i dont even want to know?

i decided to skip school today, only a 2-hour study skills lecture which so far had proved to be a total waste of time. the phlegm in my throat still wouldnt be puke out or go away. i woke up in a spluttering cough and i couldnt even swallowed hard. i would be studying my econs now if not for my dear brother hogging on to his beloved one-day-old PS3 in my room.

and oh yes, i cut my hair yesterday. before that, i can hardly remembered when was the last time i had chopped my hair. during january maybe..? oh the horror. anyway the hairdresser was my mum’s friend, someone who i had let cut my hair a couple of time over these years - and though i never really like the results of her hair-chopping, i decided to tag along for the haircut anyway cuz i dont fancy going to unknown hair salons and then, coming out with hair that couldnt get any weirder - after a wash especially. dont you guys realized that the hair that we walked out the salons with our heads becomes uh, different right after we went home to wash it? it is still a mystery to this day, i never knew why. .. and my hair is all light and swishy (not in a delightful hair-commercial way) but i reckon (imitating my caucasian lecturer) that the AFTER picture should be better than the BEFORE. hee.

in need for a good spine-tingling thriller? Preston and Child never fails me. :) and right now, Child’s Death Match is sitting opened in my lap!

p.s.Ma is out on a job search. please please wish her best of luck!

sigh-ed. you’re still in my mind. how can this be..? two years and counting. perhaps more. i lost track of count. i still miss you. do i really? boy, i must be terribly lonely to even be thinking this.

love yourself more, when there’s nobody to love you.

1. i deserved to be smack on the head for not studying today. *smack smack self*

2. i’m still buying 101 number of stuff and someone please stop me! okay, i will be forced to stop soon anyway cos i’m now self-declared broke. SOB.

3. yayyyyyy retail therapy is my short-term source of happiness.

4. i’m so dead tomorrow.

5. my tummy is feeling so much better but now my nose has suddenly decided to leak since early afternoon. ARGH tissues!

6. i suddenly decide that i like blogging again.

7. i have a whole stack of Business Times sitting on my desk. Business Times is soooooooooooo utterly boring. the most boring newspaper EVER. hohohoho. quoting from Nageb, our IBM teacher, "you dont read newspaper, you DIE."

8. i want more money T_T

9. 2nd uncle just dropped by with ah ma’s mui cai and chicken!!!!! i love my ah ma’s cooking!!!!!

10. okay, stupid nose stop leaking now!!!!

11. did i mention that Jas bought me the belt i want but too broke to? HEE.

12. on friday, i went to Pei’s house at 10pm to watch The X Files and half of Definitely Maybe. i want to finish watching Definitely Maybe!!!

13. many many many movies i want to watch.

14. xavier baby’s voice sounded so cute on the phone.

15. if being happy will make you happy, then thats all what i wanna be. forever.

16. (:

econs almost killed me over the weekend. i hate doing homework alone. correction, i hate doing econs alone. but thankfully, today econs’ tutorial went great. i got called upon a dozen times as usual and i’m happy that the questions arent too frightening! i got IBM to conquer next. assignment submission on friday!!! oh yes, next week, econs lecture is cancelled and wednesday is off day cos of Hari Raya - and children’s day!! - heh.

i’m still rather umcomfy around him, but lets just take him as a dog that doesnt bites cos his name seriously sounded like one!

i am spending quality time with one of my tutorial mate, lately :) - hopefully this week will carry on great.

p.s. and i got my new contacts solution!!!

1. school is growing much much more tougher,
2. i’m back to contacts for the next 2 weeks so yay, but cleaning of lens took ten minutes longer than usual!!!,
3. i’ve been staying back in school to mug even though i have no more classes in the afternoon, but why is it that i feel no progress has been made?,
4. i’m decidedly happier today because i bought a top for 12 bucks with Jas,
5. i still feel left out in school,
6. though i still miss Z, but today, i sat on the bus, trying to conjure up past memories of both of us. but then, i realized, nothing much is flowing into my brain. it feels like i have forgotten a whole big chunk of our memories. is that a good thing? perhaps this is the ultimate proof that it was just a crush. i still hope to meet someone like him though. how are you, Z?
7. tired. i really really hate the sickening feeling of being left behind in a group of people. sometimes it makes me wonder if there’s anything wrong with my character, appearance, personality? am i not smart enough? not cheerful enough? not pretty or cute enough? not fun-loving enough? not lovable enough?

i shall not let these annoying tiny matters get me down. my life is perfect in the way i think it is. well, probably not that perfect, but i’m just about that contented, for now. yep.

back from study skills lecture, macs fillet-o-fish lunch, eye check-up, and some window shopping. lecture is b-o-r-i-n-g.

it’s a happy bubbly day, but i’m just confused over my eye check-up. should i go back to bi-weekly lens or stick to my daily trusty ones?

dilemmaaaaaaaaaaa.

and the optician’s wise words arent exactly helping. boohoowoo. however, i’m thankful to hear that my eyes condition are under control, and that my parcel is not lost, but just sent back to the person. :) still blessed, probably!

and yes, happy chinese birthday to me :) Ma, thank you for the egg mee sua this morning <33

p.s. i’m craving for POPEYE’S!!!!

p.s.s. yay shopping tomorrow, hehehe. town here i come!

for some reasons, i still very much prefer this little space of mine.

school’s been so-so so far, just into the fourth day of mixing around this multi-racial group. we had uncooked chicken chop lunch at MegaBites Cafe, where they used this Mache/Villa’ge card-chopping system to pay for our food. one card cost $25 if you lost it! the food looks great, but the taste… ha. i rather enjoy meeting new people, so i guess everything is fine. econs class today again - boorrring. i spent $50 on two pair of shorts and a bag, please kill me. i need sleep soon - 5am wake-up call again tomorrow!

3 more days till the weekends. boo-hoo :)

hmm what to wear what to wear now.

it’s a happy day, except that paperwork is totally starting to bore me. half to death. many a time, i found myself twirling in circles on my chair and gazing outside my window instead of doing what i was paid six per hour for. it’s a struggle, really.

tuesday going on wednesday, and i realized my feelings for this boy seems to be going in circles. i was laughing too much that i actually wanna cry, and i was too, enjoying myself rather too much. this, is also a struggle, a struggle to keep unnecessary emotions from overflowing. i knew i would be the one hurt in the end, no matter what the outcome turns out to be, and that is really the last thing i wanted to happen. but feelings and feelings, emotions are emotions, and you cant just say, ‘i will feel this way’ and then, everything will follow suit. or cant you? could someone teach me please.

-

is this the path that i’m really going to take in august? i feel like i’m standing at a crossroad. i feel empty. i feel confused. i feel.. scared. i feel lonely. till when will i have enough courage to face up to my decisions?

it’s like,

i have decided i’m no longer going to carry on this stupid and silly infatuation. to him, i’m just a naive and small girl who doesnt thinks. haven i long decided in the previous posts? then why this pain? i’m just not strong enough, i never was. it’s all talk and no action.

i have decided to go into this course, since it seems like god is giving me another chance, a chance to undo a mistake, a chance to start anew, a chance to give me more hope, a chance to achieve what i want. but i’m having doubts on my capabilites, i dont trust myself. and all thanks to all those remarks and comments given by my lovely colleagues, i could feel myself withdrawing, wanting to take the sweet handed out to me but being hesitant, being afraid.

i just need some strength. to be strong enough to walk through these remaining two months. thats all i’m asking for. i want to be able to have peace with myself at last.

; love is giving a person the power to hurt you.. but trusting him not to.

today is monday, 2nd june and omg omg, it’s june already could you believe!

another 28 days, and 1/2 a year would have just slipped under our noses, and we wouldnt even notice it. this is reality, it’s so scary sometimes isnt it. if someone would to ask me, what have i accomplished for these 6 months.. seriously, i’m not able to think of an answer to defend myself that i wasnt slacking. these past year has been a blur. i cant keep track of what i always seem to be doing, be it mugging hard for exams during the first two months, contracting that awful chicken pox, spending a dull, sullen new year filled with movies and junkfood, which causes the first breakout a week later. now, i’m nursing the second breakout. (speaking of which, it was so bad that i’m feeling so terribly depressed and i even proceed to start eating my anti-biotics again.) - sigh. haven i been doing anything fruitful and worth putting down in colourful words? even graduation seem so faraway, and work at LS seems so so distant. i have alot of misses, plenty of uncountable ones but it was all thoughts and voice but no action. no effort in meeting up, or replying to texts nor simply keeping in touch with ‘how are yous’, ‘oh i miss yous’. mostly what i’m best at doing is to whine and simply sit there doing absolutely nothing about it, except to rant, to kick up some fuss to anyone who would listen at the moment. it’s pathetic, really.

and i am so so broke right now that i feel it’ve been a really bad day though i laughed so much till i choked on my distilled water today, and he had to pat on my back mulitple times to get my windpipe clear again.

; i cant believe Father Day’s coming soon, i just cant.

monday, i swear, it’s going to be a much much better day.

gone will be the days i turned away, disappointed, envious, jealous, unhappy, upset, angry.

i will be perky, cheerful, smiley and laughing all the way.

heh, well, hope that would really happen or make that a very sulky me. :)

p.s. i’m just dying for some good fruitful shopping! sigh, and my complexion still sucks. the green mask and apirin didnt help much *pout*

but, to the hell with it!

.
.
.

.. as if.

many times a night, i will wonder alot of things. wonder how such things can take a turn and end up this way. wonder how at one point of time, couldnt i have done something to salvage it, or at least, try to do something, say something? but most of the time, i just choose to ignore this thorn jabbing into my back, just let it be.

for some reason or so, this time round, i want to do something, salvage something, change something. i dont want another wave of regrets and longing to hit me later. but yet, i know i shouldnt move forward in this, i shouldnt change anything though i badly want to. i guessed, i’m being afraid of the outcome, i’m a coward, i’m just a coward.

i hate the way i have to be all the time, being so guarded everytime i speak to you, i cant show you the most inner part of me, i have to pull the cover on and hide, just so you wouldnt know.

hello there,
it’s the night again.
everytime at this hour, you would be under your covers, in your sweet slumber.
what are you dreaming of right now?

i cant help, but want to know, do i have a place in your heart, if not just one tiny corner.

.. but i guess, not.

one step away, baby steps. i will get through this. i have more important things to achieve and look forward to, i tell myself.

i’m still thinking if i should delete the last draft or should i just publish it.

1. the three of us went down to SIM today for the briefing/interview. it turns out rather great, except that the fees are slightly steeper than we first thought. the lecturers were great :D i would most likely take this offer but then again, there are still some doubts flying around in circles.

- i wont be able to work part-time as planned
- i will have to work REALLY HARD, like a starved dog. seriously.
- i have to save loads of money from today onwards. no more buying clothes :( and it’s the GSS right now shit.
- i will have to go for classes from monday to friday, and reached by 825AM sharp. everyday.

2. uni matters aside, today is also a happy day cos someone called me 3 times :)

he even asked about the course and all that, and it might not mean anything, but it shows something at least doesnt it. (someone poke me awake pls!)

3. we have LJS for lunch and the $5.10 meal really makes me wanna puke.

4. shopping after that! sigh, the biggest shame of all. but i bought a cardigan thats all =x the painful thing was, not able to buy whatever thing that caught your eyes! could you imagine me with no income? i cant, really. :(

5. i need to stop having false hopes. some things just wont work out simply by wishing and hoping. it’s so damn pointless. and what gets you at the end? only disappointment.

i badly need to tweeze my eyebrows!

it’s 1044pm and i’ve just woke up a while ago and i completely overwhelmed by how tired my whole body feels. on the mrt, i sank gratefully into a miracle seat, and the moment my butt touched the plastic, my eyes slammed closed and i surrendered myself into the deepest sleep in weeks. and when i came home, i ignored the chicken rice dinner and crawled above my covers and lost myself in dizziness. i was completely knocked out. i’ve just ate my dinner and i couldnt finished it.

today ia a weird day, with alot of things scanning through my mind. like usual, he came over to sit beside me, and we talked. we talked about nonsense, this and that, and about his girlfriend. just a teeny bit. the more i know, the more i wanted to close my eyes and pretend i’m hearing nothing. they seems like the most perfect match. the smart versus the smart. what can i say? all i knew was that, it hurts, even if it’s a tiny prick at the heart, it still hurts. alot of times i did wonder, what exactly drew him to me. he wasnt that good-looking, just your normal average guy next door, those kind that you can just lost sight of in the streets, and you just cant remember his looks at the first glance. i supposed what attracts me was his sense of stability, the way i feel that i can always depend of him and he will never let me down, he have the answers to everything and he gives opinions honestly, easily and he is humourous, he cracks me up. of course there is more, like example, i like his hands. it’s super weird, but i just do. i’ve never noticed guys’ hands before. but with him, i just do. probably, it was the vibes of reliability that i was constantly looking for. one who would catch me before i fall, or better yet, fall with me. however, he is probably not the right guy for me, who am i kidding. i should just pretend that he’s just a passer-by in my life, and in fact, that was all he really is.

-

i was speaking much more to J recently, and yesternight’s chat with him was awesome. what more could i have ask for? he made me laughed, he made me smiled, he made me missed. he is almost fantastic. well, almost.

i’m still looking for the chance. would you give me one, god?

-

been ultra busy with work, there’s this long list of to-do list tacked in my brain. endless paperwork and more paperwork. sigh! is this what admin is all about. is this what my life will end with, i couldnt help but think. i’m so busy these days that i forgot what it used to feel like, slacked and carefree. now, i got deadlines to meet, hundreds of letters to type, print, sign, fold, slot, glue and send. oh mercy! my table is a major mess, comparable with my bed at the moment. i just couldnt see a single square of my bedsheet! or my table top.

you know, i’m actually not that stupid as those people currently think i am. sometimes, i find myself automatically switching to pretense mode. like i’ve said, it’s a natural reaction. it’s better acting ignorant isnt it? and oh yes, he mentioned that i’m actually very scheming right?

haha, not scheming, just guarded, i supposed.

i was real angry today; i realized i seriously cannot tolerate immature people, especially those who doesnt act like their age. of course, there are times to act childish and play around BUT you try doing that when i’m at my busiest and screaming is what you get from me. how many times do you want me to tell you that you’re childish? the sight of you irks me now.

-

i’m tired, i looked tired and i feel tired. it’s getting old. i do wonder, what is life all about exactly? what is god trying to teach us?

and will i ever learn.

let’s just say perky morning :)

but in actual fact, i’m feeling anything but that. my eyes is blinking dry, and i just feel so so so tired. i didnt have a good sleep last night and today just dont feel very uh, graduation-y. oh, it’s graduation! again, i’m feeling anything but that.

i’m all butterflies right now, feeling the jitters of excitement and nervousness. i hate feeling this way. i hate not being in control of my emotions. but i just cant push back these feelings and say. ‘no, it doesnt bothers me.’ it did, and i’m so so nervous. nervous about meeting my classmates for what seem like the longest time, nervous that my mum, aunt and cousins would be bored to death, nervous about not taking enough pictures, nervous about tripping on my feet when i went up the stage to collect the folder. sigh!

UPDATE:

i’m back and no, i did not tripped over my own feet while my heels clacked over the red carpet, in case you’re wondering. in fact, today is one of the sweetest day ever and i’m sure im gonna be missing it over the long run. i love today! the robe turned out rather nice and i loved the photos that i took with Mum, and my friends. :) fish and co dinner of seafood platter which i shared with Ping was rather gross at the end, but i enjoyed the kola tonic. next outing? boy, i cant wait :)

and i’m incredibly touched that Mum and Jes came down, even if it’s only for a short while. loveeee. Pa, did you see me on stage today? somehow, i got this feeling that you were there. arent you?

today made me realized alot of things. it made me understand that i do have alot of choices actually. why bother sulking over one particular person who will just be a waste of time and feelings in the end while i do have the choice to turn my attentions to someone who is always so awfully lovely to me. aw, i like this feeling. i like smiling over at you when our eyes met, i like standing beside you, looking up and seeing you grinning down at me. i love your smile.

i’ve been struggling my feelings for you for the longest time and each time, when i backtracked, my eyes will be filled with more visions of you.

do you still remember the day. the day when you typed me the longest and sweetest message ever and told me, i like you.

SHOUTOUT: HEH, I’M FINALLY AND OFFICIALLY OUT!

tomorrow is graduation day! okay, it’s officially here today. *switch to happy mode*

firstly, i’m feeling broke today, all thanks to the last-minute rush to buy a suitable top for the ceremony later on in the afternoon. the things was, i came home, thinking that i got a few tops to try and perhaps one must be appropriate, but no, it all look out of place and so wrong. one looks too baggy on me, one too dark, and the other had holes where a belt should be at (but wearing with the belt looks all weird!!) — thus, i had no choice but to pull back on my work clothes, grabbed my wallet and phone and rushed for the door. i reached TM at 830pm :), dropped by Zimple and came out with a brand new hot pink bag.. and a big hole in my pocket! le sigh. just for a freaking one-hour ceremony, i had to swipe my NETS card. :( but well, i love that top hehehe.

seriously, i hope tomorrow will be one damn good day.

i dont know what am i thinking, acting and feeling like the biggest idiot in the history. it shouldnt be this way. what seems like a long time since i had developed this kind of feelings on someone who isnt worth it. yes, who isnt worth it at all. he dont deserve me acting so moody and angry just cos of a subtle remark, a bark of laughter over sensitive issues, and then me, glaring and laughing at the same time, trying to defend myself.. but to no avail. he always wins. i know he is smart, i know that his brain rotates and turn so much faster than mine, i know i’m rather intelligently-challenged, i know he is always out-smarting me. i know he will always have the solutions, always know the right words to say to tickle my laugh genes, and he knew my weaknesses.

another word for it, this is totally and simply ridiculous. just stop it all, and i’m backing away. i deserve much better, i think.

.. but i dont know why. whenever i hear him laughing at me, i got a happy flutter inside. hmm, you’re right. i got to be sick in the mind!

i’m not one of those people who are used to compliments, praises, i’m not. it just kind of feel awkward and all wrong, not to mention hesitating when people sing me a praise, pat me on the back, or flash me a “thumbs-up” smile. it always make me think, ‘they couldnt be joking could they?”. they’re actually sending me some hidden meaning, right?

i found myself yearning for more compliments showering my way, more surprised glints flashing through eyes, more ‘well done, great job!’. i guessed, this is just a humane feeling. we just want to please. oh well, i think i’m just more guarded than other people. it’s just like a self-defense ticker, a firewall or an alarm clock.

tonight, i did take the initiative.

becos his nick is referring to mine. but hello, he did not replied back. what he is playing at, i seriously cannot understand. he simply baffles me, end of story. i did try, i already tried. but it just seems that this time round, i’m just wasting my time.

right now, i’m reading a book i’ve just borrowed from WS library. Second Helpings, the cover read. i hope it will be nice.

sigh, i still cant get over the fact that his nick is absolutely pin-pointing at mine but he’s still not talking to me. i think he is driving me insane, driving me into all those stupid kinds of acts i only used to see teenagers doing. now, i found it in me too. talk about being stupid.

tomorrow is going to be a family-gathering-day! that’s rather nice, isnt it? i forsee lots of yummy food and happy laughter. i need a heavydose of those now. i need to be happy. i need to start pulling myself up again. i need to forget all these nagging feelings of distress snaking around my heart.

*

i hate being green. i hate feeling green. i hate people being one step ahead of me. it’s a sickening feeling. but rather than being sulky about it now, the most important thing i should be be doing instead is to – plan. i need to salvage something, do something. what’s the point of sulking over spilled milk? run, just run faster, and you will soon catch up.

it’s a sunday, but here am i, at home, chewing a mars bar, licking off my leftover McFlurry, carrying Second Helpings everywhere i go. i plucked a few stray eyebrows hair, trimmed my fringe, and ah it seems like my sunday was rather awesome actually :) some thinking-over done!

once bitten, twice shy. make that twice bitten.

how does it feels, to like someone, but then you got this feeling that his feelings for you arent the same, and will never be returned.

i guessed, it must be a really distressed feeling. i was telling a friend that i will always feel that i’ll never be good enough. and he told me, ‘you haven change for the 3 years i known you :D". i want to say that i did change, it just that the tiny, insecured part of me never left. i have to work harder, to change and be a so much better person. this shall be my goal for this year of life without school. and the next.

no regrets yet, missy. thats the best you can give yourself. even if it’s the second best!

i’m feeling rather happy tonight. a slow, exhilarating feeling spreading warmly down to my toes. it feels great to be happy, it rocks to be positive. i’m feeling abit deprieved of shopping cos i haven been buying any clothes for almost 2 weeks. i know, it’s supposed to be great that i’m not spending unnecessarily but a girl needs some therapy to keep herself happier!

as much as i always wanted to blog more, to pen down the random things flying inside my head, i dont have a fantastic memory unfortunately!

i missed him, as much as i dont wish to, i still do. i see his little nick, last on my list, and i felt the ache. the ache of wanting to talk but i cant. there’s always so much to be said, endless things that i can tell him. then he would listen, looked at me with his smiling eyes and laughed. i love a listener. i love someone who can just know what i’m thinking inside just by looking at me. i love someone who can laugh with me. non-stop.

i love a mcflurry in the night.

graduation day.
university.
him.

there’s so many things in my mind right now that i’m afraid i would burst. i hate feeling this way. i got 6 more days to think about uni, and i got a week and 3 days left to get myself mentally prepared for the grad ceremony. i want desperately to be free of these. i just feel like enjoying what i can do right now; i need time to think. i need time to decide. i need time, time, time. but time is slipping me by.

and i want to stop thinking about him. and he’s not making things any easier, is he.

-

it turns out that mum’s arm is more serious that we thought. i hope it’ll be okay. it got to be.

UPDATE, Sunday afternoon:

i’m feeling calmer, i expected it’s due to the talk i had with Ping this afternoon. i think i know what i should do now. there will always be room for regrets if i let there be; but there also could be room for improvement too, if i let it be. i dont want to be sulking with regrets over the decision that i would be making by this saturday. i want to be proud of it, and i want it to be the best choice out of the two. the best i can give myself. so what if there will be a twinge of regret nagging at the back of my mind, i just have to make the best out of it. and i will. time will tell.

let’s hope i will stay this strong, sticking up to this belief, let’s hope i will hold on tight. let’s hope i wont plummet back to the ground with a thump. that will really really hurt.

11:04am -

today is old boring friday, and here am i, sitting in the office, shaking from the cold in my seat. it’s friday come on! but it’s very boring all the same. probably cos someone is on leave today and as much as i dont wish to admit it, his existence do make a very big difference during these hours. i’m craving a joke or a laugh from him so much right now that i’m telling myself, "you got to be joking."

oh yes, i do wish i’m joking.

and as i’m typing this, i’m yawning with my mouth wide open and the pile of appeals sitting on my left is getting thicker - though today’s stack is thinner than other days. okay, i’m not going to be complaining about the appeals cos it seems to be my only rice bowl for the moment.

oh lifeeeee.

i’m missing you right now - just whatever are you doing? are you awake? or still in your sweet morning slumber?

2:19pm -

today is one of those days that, surprisingly, i got nothing much to do on my list. the appeals tray lay empty, the excelsheets full and my inbox totally zero. i’m incredibly bored, thus another short post. just back from chicken rice for lunch and the food looks hideous. you can jolly well imagine the taste. i’m not having my share of fun this afternoon. the office lacked of something - a certain prescene maybe? haha - and it stays cold, empty and quiet. i want to say this again - i miss him.

12:32am - now

i’m back from dinner at zhong huan and it’s great food. except i seems to have a weak stomach lately - i get full easily and i feel sick if i ate too much. and i’ve been wasting half of my food everytime i ate a meal. this truly got to stop as i’m getting bonier each day - or so my family and colleagues proclaimed.

to tell you the truth, i’ve been checking my phone dutifully for traces of a particular someone’s texts. and - i was rewarded with one half an hour ago. i feel my heart beating faster. it’s crazy. realization dawned to me that he is actually not the sms-kind-of-guy. his texts were both short and vague. and he sleeps rather early mind you. i am not really getting used to the idea that someone is actually sleeping earlier than me. compared to his replies, mine were rather long. does that make it obvious that i’m happy, keen and eager? i hope not. i’m still soured and upset about his hasty remark yesterday on the train. probably he will never know that it actually hurts me pretty badly. oh well, i better try to forget it and get it off my mind. you just cant be taking every negative comment to heart, can you. i know myself and i will change. the truth always hurts doesnt it.

but all the same, there’s this little bubble of happiness bubbling in my stomach as his name flickered over my hp screen. along with unease. i just dont like the way i’m feeling, the way that everything about him is affecting me. i dont sound like me. i dont feel like me. i’m afraid of this me. and something that bothers me:

i think he got a girlfriend.

p.s. i got a feeling i should be deleting half of this entry soon. i should be acting cool. i should keep my heart locked up. no no, i shouldnt start liking someone whom i know i shouldnt. the end, okay?

i dont know; the little blue MSN window pops up, featuring the two faces who used to be categorized under my good friends list. i click it, and now, i’m staring at that little picture on the top right corner sadly. i missed you guys. i missed our KTV moments, our giggles and talks, our movie dates, taxi rides, i missed missed working in K Cafe with you all. now, in just a flicker, a few changes, and then, things will never be the same again. we hardly even talked now. how are you, W? i missed you like crazy. i remembered how we met, in the weirdest place, the hotel i hated working at most. i remembered how we bond over cleaning the manager’s office, polishing wine and water glasses with a linen cloth and a flask of hot water in the kitchen. i remembered how you introduced me to your new job and how i’ve grown to like it there, meeting the few others. how we talked over our crushes, dates, heartbreaks; and so so many others.

i just want to say, i thought about you tonight. it’s funny how i could be feeling sad and happy just by seeing your tiny picture. your smiling faces. you’re happy with D arent you? i’m really glad things turned out fantastic for you two sweethearts. i remembered bumping into both of you in february, and our faces breaking into grins and fingers fluttering in a wave. but we never did speak. if i have that once chance to be your friend again, then, i must be very blessed for sure. for all we know, but that will never happened anytime soon, right god?

i guess.

at this moment, the girl typing this is seriously troubled. it’s like the Second Round or something. havent i been troubled enough a few weeks back? i thought it was solved then and now, the problem is back and there it stays, probbing on every single brain cells in my head, kicking up a big fuss, demanding an answer right this minute. this very second. of course, as usual, i dont have much choice. it’s either to accept, reject and wait for next july, or reject and dont think of studying ever again. three choices, three different routes, would you pick one now please? of cos, i’m going to write in to appeal by tomorrow or monday, after i have come out with a fantastic reason. the email is 3/4 typed now, and i just need to ensure that it’s decent before clicking SEND. however, i’m not too enthused about my "strong reasons".

today, the trip down SIM was awfully long and sleepy. met up with Jt at 930 in the morning but we were both late haha. barely into 15 minutes, we were out from the SIM office feeling strangely drained and rejected. it wasnt very hopeful, the woman attending to our enquiries looked that part. as much as we wanted to understand, we were both terribly disappointed.

and then, the day ended with buffet dinner at grandma’s house and the food was pretty awesome :) i loved my oh-tahs! spicy hot anyday but the heat’s stirring in my stomach and i’m feeling rather sick now. i had a fabulous time with all my crazy cousins! any anyday, you guys are the love of my life. :)

right now, when i’m feeling the most uncertain, upset and angry, the only thing that i feel like doing besides banging my head on the table was to call him. just to talk. to hear him at the end of the line making stupid jokes, calling me stupid or offering his advices. he’s rather terrific at offering these i tell you. i dont know, whatever he say, no matter how stupid it really was, always felt unusually reassuring. somehow, i love conversing with him, it’s weird. we seemed to be able to talk about any other random thing under the sky and it’s something that i had grown to enjoy tremoudously these two weeks.

this is saying something, isnt it. am i falling. am i am i. but he is really not the type of guy i would have liked, the inner-me objected.

as much as i would like to, no, i didnt call him. as much as i wanted to.

i think i just saw the most gorgeous phone: sony ericsson k660i - you can never go wrong with black and red!

today, i went to collect my graduation attire which was rather lovely, like an oversize nightdress. it cost a whooping 50 bucks to rent you know, but i’m happy that i have gotten it today cos i’m not gonna be free to collect it on other days. after that, lunch and movie with Jas, followed by a disaster date that i rather dont talk about and back to TM for nasi lemak as dinner. oh yeah, and the new store that sells crepes! both tasted great but we didnt finish either, what a waste of money. we’re too spoiled seriously! :)

i mentioned my feelings about him tonight. it was so rare for me to speak about my feelings for someone so bluntly. but tonight, i have no idea why, i just feel like confessing everything, struggling to find out why the heck did i suddenly care so much about someone that i was missing him on days i didnt get to see him. he came down yesterday though he took leave and i did try to hide the joy i felt when my eyes fell on him. it was stupid, it feels kiddy, silly, and funny all at once. i dont like the way i’m starting to care, starting to want him in my field of vision everytime i looked up, starting to stirr.. - but what about J? what about S? are all these three different sets of feelings the same?

i’m confused, yet i feel ashamed. why am i so fickle. they say i need to feel with my heart, and not the brains that just seem to register all the flaws. what i know is, i want and i need stability. i dont need a guy who looked good. those guys that looked good and is good in the heart doesnt exist. i had long stopped believing that they do. they dont, and even if they do, you just wont be their last girlfriend. but somehow, like always, knowing what you want and what you need is different from feeling what you want and need. i know that i want and need everything, but my heart tells me that hey you dont exactly need those, do you. you just want to hold them for a while, feel top of the world for that moment, and then, it wont be a want anymore since it’s already yours. you will chuck it aside and search for something else. something better, something improved. there will always be things you chuck aside, not knowing to cherish, not thinking of them as blessings. and once they are not yours anymore, you suddenly want them back again. life is complicated. we are always making things hard for ourselves. we’re unsure of the path that we’re walking on, and we’re just going with the flow, following the crowd. we want what everybody have. i want to step out of this crowd, i want to be different. everyday i told myself, from today onwards, my mentality will change, i will seek and strive for something that i truly need, where i will find my place in, where i feel most at ease. being with someone who cheers me up simply just by a smile, a look, a pat on the head. who makes me laugh all the time so often that i am always the last to finish my meals. someone who never let me walked behind him, someone who tries to open doors for me but often never succeed cos i was always snatching for the door handle. someone who can read me and can judge me so cleverly. someone… who can make me burst out in laughter early 9 o’clock in the morning, someone who make me turn my back on just to hide my smiles, someone who always scold me for not having breakfast, someone who says i smell good. someone who can make me feel safe and secure just by simply standing next to me.

.. are you that someone?

another busy week.

time seems to run 5 times faster when you’re at work, i have no idea why. i have a good week at work this week, and i’m feeling excited about monday, call me crazy. i’m completely piled up with paperwork but i’m enjoying though i’m complaining and whining all the same. i had fish mee for 3 days in a row and i have enough of it. seriously! it’s delicious and healthy but imagine eating and tasting the same stuff for 3 days was just a little too much. while work’s been good, it makes me feel stupid however, all thanks to my colleagues :) they just loveeee insulting me and have me bursting out in fits of laughter in random moments - even when i’m buried in work! thanks to my stupid brainless answers i guessed. it’s really making me feel stupid. am i that ignorant, seriously? that’s worth a thought.

i meet up with my sisters and XY after work and it was really fun, something we haven been doing for ages. i bought cardis, make-up fixer spray and hp pouch and i’m soooo happy, completed with dinner at pastamania (jas’s idea) and i totally regretted picking creamy chicken - puke please. it was delicious at the first bite, tentative at the third and totally grossed by the fifth! i missed the chicken and mushroom pizza :( char, are you seeing this? - or is it the ham and mushroom pizza? :)

p.s. Mum’s birthday, Mother’s Day and Ah ma’s birthday are coming!

no work tomorrow, 2 days of refreshments!

i’m worrying about graduation ceremony. i dont know if i should go.

i’m feeling beat, bored, sad, angry, excited, depressed, and useless all at once. my eyes hurt, i think it’s lacking in oxygen due to over 12 hours usage of lens from monday to wednesday, and from staring at the blinking screen in those hours. i’ve typed up 2342314142 pieces of frigging appeals today - okay thats exaggerating - but it was closed. ended up i didnt get to finish cos chris piled me with somemore and i think tomorrow morning i will finish it off. the guys at work were great, just that i think i’m weird cos the more people nag, scold or tease me, the more i got the urge to giggle and smile. boy, i must be mad. lunch was good, fish soup i loved. so far, i liked my job, but tomorrow we got a meeting and it sounds pretty scary. i’m feeling worried about the interview on friday, i hope it will turn out good. i hope we will win, despite the slimmed chances that we have. i really really hope that my guardian angel’s looking over me now. please give all the best to my Mum, i pray.

i’m sinned for killing trees by wasting this whole stack of good paper today. whoops.

tomorrow and the days after would be better, i would make sure of that. i love my people.

i’m so tired, tired, tired.
i feel like sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

my eyes are dry and slightly milky and i still have 3 more days to go before i could called it a rest. there’s this really nice hollister top that i feel like buying but it’s over 30 bucks and thats worth a consideration doesnt it? today at work, i learnt loads of stuff. firstly, i learnt the faster way to level 10. i missed my way when trying to change the lifts and as a result, i turned up 15 minutes late at the office. i went up and down the building twice, trying to find the mystery door that might just pop up, but in the end, it was a nice lady who helped me :) okay, so i got laughed and teased at for being so blur but well, i had my fun. within only 2 days of knowing me, Z was telling me that he knows my kind of personality already: blur, directionless, forgetful, oblivious, and the most @#$#@$@# of all, - short. it’s kinda insulting cos thats almost how people would describe me. but i only know him for two days. just two, hello.

today was a good day cos i talked to the stranger boy and his friend beside me :) turns out that we’re the same age and he is pretty nice.. just that i’m not sure if i hasnt borrowed his newspapers, would he talked to me or not. but he was very friendly when lending me :), so i’m feeling blessed again! also, though i was sweaty, the sweat didnt seep through my dress :) today, i managed to type 3 enquiries emails and it’s a pretty good experience. a simple job it may seem, but i’m learning :) i will continue to make mistakes, i’m sure, but i’m learning new things every second and that’s feeling rather awesome today.

oh i didnt mention, but on my first day, i was shocked to see that B working there too! haha, this is so random.

Happiness is..

♥ having a blessed moment! though it only lasts a few minutes.

though i know that i shouldnt, but i’m drinking strawberry yoghurt milk at this hour of the night. i blamed it on the corn roll that’s making my thoat dry and salty.

i’m craving for a good movie, a walk to the beach, some hearty talks, a nice meal, a haagen daazs cookies and cream ice-cream, a really good book. just suddenly, tonight feels lonely. it’s rare that the house only have Mum, bro and me, which makes everything serenely quiet. i think i need to change my handphone soon, cos mine’s acting cranky. yay i’m doing lots of mindless shopping. it’s addictive, it’s evil, it’s terrific, it’s horrible.

i want to hate you, i want to love you, and i want to be able to do both all the same. i missed you, S and J. if i allow myself to.

yay today smells and feels like sunshine day!
i have to go out but before i do so, i have to sweep and mop the floor!

but either way, i’m so lazy lahhhhhhhhhh. :D it’s a good day to start feeling happy! x)

P.S. chipster hot & spicy is nice! but it’s spicy x10!