i badly need to tweeze my eyebrows!

it’s 1044pm and i’ve just woke up a while ago and i completely overwhelmed by how tired my whole body feels. on the mrt, i sank gratefully into a miracle seat, and the moment my butt touched the plastic, my eyes slammed closed and i surrendered myself into the deepest sleep in weeks. and when i came home, i ignored the chicken rice dinner and crawled above my covers and lost myself in dizziness. i was completely knocked out. i’ve just ate my dinner and i couldnt finished it.

today ia a weird day, with alot of things scanning through my mind. like usual, he came over to sit beside me, and we talked. we talked about nonsense, this and that, and about his girlfriend. just a teeny bit. the more i know, the more i wanted to close my eyes and pretend i’m hearing nothing. they seems like the most perfect match. the smart versus the smart. what can i say? all i knew was that, it hurts, even if it’s a tiny prick at the heart, it still hurts. alot of times i did wonder, what exactly drew him to me. he wasnt that good-looking, just your normal average guy next door, those kind that you can just lost sight of in the streets, and you just cant remember his looks at the first glance. i supposed what attracts me was his sense of stability, the way i feel that i can always depend of him and he will never let me down, he have the answers to everything and he gives opinions honestly, easily and he is humourous, he cracks me up. of course there is more, like example, i like his hands. it’s super weird, but i just do. i’ve never noticed guys’ hands before. but with him, i just do. probably, it was the vibes of reliability that i was constantly looking for. one who would catch me before i fall, or better yet, fall with me. however, he is probably not the right guy for me, who am i kidding. i should just pretend that he’s just a passer-by in my life, and in fact, that was all he really is.

-

i was speaking much more to J recently, and yesternight’s chat with him was awesome. what more could i have ask for? he made me laughed, he made me smiled, he made me missed. he is almost fantastic. well, almost.

i’m still looking for the chance. would you give me one, god?

-

been ultra busy with work, there’s this long list of to-do list tacked in my brain. endless paperwork and more paperwork. sigh! is this what admin is all about. is this what my life will end with, i couldnt help but think. i’m so busy these days that i forgot what it used to feel like, slacked and carefree. now, i got deadlines to meet, hundreds of letters to type, print, sign, fold, slot, glue and send. oh mercy! my table is a major mess, comparable with my bed at the moment. i just couldnt see a single square of my bedsheet! or my table top.

you know, i’m actually not that stupid as those people currently think i am. sometimes, i find myself automatically switching to pretense mode. like i’ve said, it’s a natural reaction. it’s better acting ignorant isnt it? and oh yes, he mentioned that i’m actually very scheming right?

haha, not scheming, just guarded, i supposed.

i was real angry today; i realized i seriously cannot tolerate immature people, especially those who doesnt act like their age. of course, there are times to act childish and play around BUT you try doing that when i’m at my busiest and screaming is what you get from me. how many times do you want me to tell you that you’re childish? the sight of you irks me now.

-

i’m tired, i looked tired and i feel tired. it’s getting old. i do wonder, what is life all about exactly? what is god trying to teach us?

and will i ever learn.

let’s just say perky morning :)

but in actual fact, i’m feeling anything but that. my eyes is blinking dry, and i just feel so so so tired. i didnt have a good sleep last night and today just dont feel very uh, graduation-y. oh, it’s graduation! again, i’m feeling anything but that.

i’m all butterflies right now, feeling the jitters of excitement and nervousness. i hate feeling this way. i hate not being in control of my emotions. but i just cant push back these feelings and say. ‘no, it doesnt bothers me.’ it did, and i’m so so nervous. nervous about meeting my classmates for what seem like the longest time, nervous that my mum, aunt and cousins would be bored to death, nervous about not taking enough pictures, nervous about tripping on my feet when i went up the stage to collect the folder. sigh!

UPDATE:

i’m back and no, i did not tripped over my own feet while my heels clacked over the red carpet, in case you’re wondering. in fact, today is one of the sweetest day ever and i’m sure im gonna be missing it over the long run. i love today! the robe turned out rather nice and i loved the photos that i took with Mum, and my friends. :) fish and co dinner of seafood platter which i shared with Ping was rather gross at the end, but i enjoyed the kola tonic. next outing? boy, i cant wait :)

and i’m incredibly touched that Mum and Jes came down, even if it’s only for a short while. loveeee. Pa, did you see me on stage today? somehow, i got this feeling that you were there. arent you?

today made me realized alot of things. it made me understand that i do have alot of choices actually. why bother sulking over one particular person who will just be a waste of time and feelings in the end while i do have the choice to turn my attentions to someone who is always so awfully lovely to me. aw, i like this feeling. i like smiling over at you when our eyes met, i like standing beside you, looking up and seeing you grinning down at me. i love your smile.

i’ve been struggling my feelings for you for the longest time and each time, when i backtracked, my eyes will be filled with more visions of you.

do you still remember the day. the day when you typed me the longest and sweetest message ever and told me, i like you.

 

SHOUTOUT: HEH, I’M FINALLY AND OFFICIALLY OUT!

today was almost a perfect day.. until the sky chosen the moment in which i was crossing the lengthy roads of Orchard Road to start flicking big, heavy drops or rain onto the black ground.. and onto me. within seconds, these heavy droplets morphed into sheets of dirty water.. and i was tempted to flick out my tongue and taste it hahahaha. but darn i was caught in the downpour as everybody dashes for the shelter. but i’m happy cos the reason i stepped of Wisma and into the rain, was to get my Mango belt :) and i got it yay!

you know what, i really and completely understands how a sales girl would to feel if a demanding customer, aka me, asked to have a new piece changed to another new one due to a small teeny weeny flaw. it happens so many gazillions times to me when i was working in LS! but who cares heeheehee, i’m the customer now! i was apologetic okay. but it’s true when they say customer is always right. plus i cant stand visible flaws on something new. it’s funny somehow, when you put yourself in other people’s shoes and positions, you probably could have understood how they felt.

so, it’s pretty important to think in other shoes sometimes! :)

another thing, i bought so much stuff today that i had swiped my NETS at least six times. it’s such a real guilty pleasure. i’m pleased, but at the same time, completely horrified. what do i think i am? filthy rich? it’s also very important that i learned how to control and curb my spendings!

for three days in a row, my feet had pounded the streets of Bugis, Orchard and PS. i’m proud to say that my poor feet is aching terribly - even now - and i would really love a free foot massage.

 

**

after weighing the pros and cons, my decision hovers, and the fact that i still am in very much doubt of myself and my capabilities are the barriers to the success that could have been mine.

i had a long day today and i’m sleepy right now!

retail therapy is always damn fantastic though i came home with just a brand new tube of lipice balm :) i’ve received my two new tubes of mascara this week and that makes me very happy too. shopping is really spuning me to want to work hard to score a good-paying job so i can buy whatever stuff i liked hahahaha - but of cos, life is so much more besides shopping and spending :) but i’m a girl, and shopping is my weakness… ! heh.

my aunts, ah ma, and mummy cooked nasi lemak today. it was fantastic! kudos to my talented family! ♥♥♥

p.s. i love Vaseline’s range of moisturiser! have been using it for 2 days now and let’s pray my legs and hands will become smoother hahaha :D and i’m smelling soooo good!

 

Saturday, 01.03.08

我有一个坏习惯：
每晚，虽然已刷完牙了，我还是会因为受不了食物的诱惑而开始拿起垃圾往嘴里塞！我都懒得去数数看到底一天要刷几次牙了！
那，真的是one of my biggest坏习惯了！很讨人厌呢。。

唉，都不知道我到底何时能改掉这个只会浪费牙膏的坏习惯呢 – 呵呵！

**

and speaking of brushing teeth, i really should start bundling up my nerves to make a dentist appointment soon.

**

i went and caught L Change The World with Jas, YH and Xavier darling today. it was really gooooood, i love L’s character very much. it was only unfair that he have to die. why oh why. i was hoping that he wont, but everyone says he did, so ..oh ya. and i’m soooo chips overdose today, gah. we bought in alot of junkfood but chipster is really the next favourite chips - though i only tried the sour&cream flavor - i like how the taste is always consistent and just melt in your mouth! it’s better than nachos seriously. i’m never much of a nachos fan like almost everybody anyway, haha. but L movie is realllllyyyy good! everybody.should.go.watch.it.！ :)

**

time really flies. i cant believe it’s March 2008 already and i didnt even realized until like, now. it’s been how many days ever since ____(fill in the blank) already.. ? hello time, you’ve been gone so fast.

 

 

作晚 我梦见你那血淋淋的脸
就是不知为何 血越流越多
我想帮你止血 可是我越是抹 就越是抹不掉
我好害怕 你知道吗
因为 你在也没有张开眼
就好像 那一天

okay, it’s new year. i can still hear crackers exploding in the night air with a WHEEEEEEEEEE sound. one by one, they cheer in awe of a new year. WHEEEEEEEE, they went, and went..

what does year 2008 means to you? something to look forward to? to anticipate something refreshing, something fun, something nice, all sugary and with a bit of spice perhaps? and what does ending of the year 2007 means? what would come right after? an ending to a bad year and oh yay, it ends, meaning the worse would be over and now, would come the great things that you had been looking forward to?

i dont know what year 2008 means to me. today, it just feels like the ending to 12 months of bad bad days and at 12pm, when the clock strikes, the countdown started again, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and then it repeats over and over again, adding all days into weeks into months and then into the years. and the pattern continues..

what to look forward to this brand new year? yes, the number 2008 sounds refreshing enough, anything but 2007, anything but that bad bad year, filled with the worse days of my life. but 2008.. so what? i see people whoop and cheer, i see people hug and kiss in celebration that they could witness a brand new start together, and what filled their hearts are hope that this new year would bring better things.. leave all the sorrow, hatred, regret, anger, unhappiness and loneliness behind in that year, locked it, jumped into this new number with the key tossed behind.

i want to feel like them, whooping in glee and hope and love, to be swimming in that sea of familiar faces i loved and cared most about, feeling warm, safe and happy. i want to leave this jumble of mess behind and jumped right in after them before that hole of 2007 closes. but i cant. my body might have entered the 2008, but my heartstrings had tied my soul in the past, in 2007, trapped, waiting, staying, lingering, longing.. and hoping..

i cant bear to leave, not really; i dont want to step into another new year feeling incomplete, feeling lost. it feels like i’m betraying Pa and stepping furthur and furthur away from him.. as time ticks second by second away.. as i started writing dates with "2008" behind.. i wont get use to it, i’m not sure when i will ever be.

perhaps, an increment of a digit sparks more happiness, hope, joy, and laughter..

i would be lying if i said i’m not anticipating. but then again, i might be lying about that too.

-

short and brief about my last day in 2007:

1) i got back m-comm paper - i got 46 marks out of 50! whoopedooooooo, this made my day more than a waffle hotdog would seriouslyyy! :)
2) for the first time, i had my first Macs breakfast - alone. it was nice.
3) we closed shop at 8+ and it was fun hanging out and having supper at Macs during the last few hours left of 2007 with Shaz. including shopping! though, it’s a short while because all shops closed early, we had fun.
4) we talked, laughed, talked, while chewing fries, filet burger for her and nuggets for me and cokes for us both. we discovered that we are really alike. ahahahaha, it’s comforting knowing that you’re actually pretty normal and not a nutty as you previously thought.
5) My buys:
- Brown Crystal belt - omgomg i love this but i’m unsure if i can wear it.
- 5 mahjong papers - to wrap parcels
- Scotchtape - to stick mahjong paper together
- $128 worth of LS stuff - for sisters and i

6) regarding yesterday frigging issue with my big sister, the more i think about it, the more pissed i am. and she tried talking to me in this voice like i am a 3-year old this morning. excuse meeeeee. this makes me more pissed than ever. then, she want me to use the $50 she gave me for transport this month to buy her bras and that she will ‘pay back the remaining’. like hello, then why in the first place did you gave me the transport fee for? %^&#$@ and to think she got like, 2 or 3 months worth of bonus? dont give me money then.

-

okay, i know it’s very bad to be at loggerheads with your silbling during new year, but sometimes, circumstances cant be helped. i dont wanna be rude or anything but who starts this first by minding her bf’s blankie so much? yes you read correctly: a BLANKET.

yes yes, your bf’s blankettt is so frigging important and pure and clean.

haha, i’m being such a bitch on the first day of 2008.

-

new year resolutions! people make them every year, but they make them for fun and how many actually stick by it?

so i’m not going to be greedy and make a list of items that i would forever procastinate and never achieve. so.. just a few well-wishes for everybody!

.. May Ma be happier and may things go her way and runs a smooth path for her to walk on, more good people come and help along the way, may she dont worry so much and live each day with a spring in each step and may she be healthy and strong,

.. May my big hot-tempered sister grow more mature and be more sensitive,

.. May my second sister work higher up the ladder and perhaps, achieve her dreams of studying business, and do learn to be a better mother,

.. May my little brother play hard and work harder, make worthy friends in his remaining secondary school years, master his guitar, and be a more mature and sensible boy,

.. May my little nephew, xavier baby, my favourite boy continues to grow up as he is now - cheeky, happy and funny - and more less mischievous and thoughtful,

.. May my brother-in-law, though whom i dont converse much to, build up a steady carreer, be a better husband to my sister and a wonderful father to my nephew,

.. May i, be more thoughtful, responsible, cheerful, happy-go-lucky and less annoying, get mad less, take up some anger/frustration/patience management course, and be more hardworking and considerate! and perhaps more sociable than now. and be a better daughter, sister, aunt, colleague, friend.

.. May Pa, really rest in peace. and may you know that we missed you so. terribly. and we loved you so much.

.. and to my friends, and darlings, to be able to succeed in whatever they’re doing and happy working towards their goals!

 

God, just packed everything nasty, hurtful, unhappy and regretful away and rained some fairydust for everyone. 2008 marks a new start of a hope, that after the heavy down-pouring rain, indeed comes the rainbow. would you bring a better tomorrow than the yesterday?

 

"Friends are there to let you be yourself and to accept you for who you are now and whoever you may be tomorrow. it’s important to remember that people change and grow, and as friends we need to let them happen; we need to lend our support, not our critism."

okay, i’m actually going to shut down the computer, read Love, Rosie and get some sleep done before afternoon shift tomorrow, but i just received a message from friends asking me if i wanna skipped school on monday.

dilemma, dilemma.

i dont wanna skipped school, because we might know our term tests results and also, i’m not that keen to receive a second warning letter (though my first one was an error).

but then again, who wants to go school on a 8pm monday class?
and then again, submission of report is due tomorrow and my partner and i havent even touched it yet!

 

damnnnnn damnnnn school!

-

Today buys:

1) thermal pot
2) Mum’s jellies
3) my jeans
4) dry food
5) biscuits i picked
6) outfit for baby xavier

i love spending time with Mum and my aunts!

-

so should i go school anot?! i got work on monday anyway and it’s not such a big difference.
but that damn report……. ARGH i hate reports.

Thursday is a really fruitful day because it seems like Mum and I went and run alot of errands. i managed to update my bank book, apply for the ib device, and even asked the citibank staff to help me photocopy my matric card and submitted the form to them - so, yay i’m gonna have my first credit card in 2 weeks’ or 2 months’ time! omg, i’m kinda excited! :)

we visited a few banks, buy pillows and comforters (imagine lugging back these fat load of stuff! sweat sweat sweat), buy pink and purple pooh bear waterbottles for $6 each thanks to Jas’s minitoons discount card (ooh i love minitoons and minibits! both one of my favourite stores!), buy Mum’s clothes and collected my new bag :D i love love it. (oh, somebody slap the grin off my face please - i’m getting more and more ridiculous! those bags are sitting on my newly clean up bed like.. a big pile of something.

but okay, nevermind, i’m getting rid of 2 of them!

what the heck am i sounding so cheerful and happy today?

-

during lunch with Mum, somehow, we had a talk.. and then, tears just started falling. i cant hide these feelings, i cant pretend and suck those tears back in. i cant sit, eat, talk, dream, walk, do things and not think of Pa at the same time. i thought about him whenever and wherever and whatever. i miss him dearly, i wish, wish with all my heart that time would just reverse and bring back those days.. those complete days, happy days, bitter days, sad days, safe days, delightful days, days with him still here - getting nagged at, being nagged to, laughing at stupid jokes he cracked, retorting back at him when he teases me about my hair, my specs, my face.. those days whereby i often misused this god-send privilege and took it for granted.

oh arent humans just the most foolish of them all?

sometimes, i feel that my posts are always kind of repetive, going and droning on about the same stuff i say before, but who can salvage this? these feelings just kept haunting me everyday and there it will stay, swirling deep in my heart till one day i’m willing to let go. but no, i’m never letting go of them.

 

oh how much i love you

it’s only now, that i realized, that my love for you is just every bit as much and as deep as i love Mum. you two are like my right and left hands - i can never go and do without either.

it’s only just that i let those evil feelings and thoughts intrude into my brain, twisted and hide those good things and churned out the bad.

ha, if only; pity i never realized that. and it’s always that late.

-

p.s. shut up, if you nothing good ever comes out from that smelly mouth of yours.

my stomach is feeling all queasy and uncomfortable all thanks to the Qiji nasi lemak i had for lunch/dinner today! arghhhh, it seems to be still somewhere stuck inside my throat and it feels llike just any moment now, i will puke out the remains all over this keyboard. :(

but still, the nasi lemak is good okay!

and before i forgot, MERRY CHRISTMAS to whoever reading this! and here’s a pressie :)

i dont feel practically christmassy this year. there are plenty of reasons why. i dont want to feel christmassy ever again.

what wishes will you make
when the season is near
will your dreams be the same
as they were last year

will you ask for a little
will you ask for alot
and when you make your list
will there be something you forgot?

how about peace on earth
it cant be bought or sold
how about peace this christmas
and someone hand to hold
how about love in our hearts
and hope for you and me
how about peace on earth
that’s what christmas should be

will you get the things
that you’ve been waiting for
snowfall and presents
chior singing at your door

this season will be perfect
like those pictures postcards seem
but is that the answer
is that what christmas really means

what would you sacrifice
what would you give away
for the greatest gift of all
on christmas day..?

will any of the wishes made ever come true?

*

and for this year, all i want for christmas is..

may all my loved ones find joy and little kinds of happiness everywhere and in everything they do!

and there’s one more thing, but that would be a secret.

 

P.S. thank you, Aunt Amelia, for the lovely present of a Escada perfume i found on my bed the moment i came home! what a fantastic christmas surprise! :)

*

Merry Christmas to you, Pa.
is heaven snowing right now?
..it must be really beautiful.

you know what, i’m never buying sweet goodies for anyone ever again! those annoying little creatures that came marching into the packaging and i just threw out a perfectly lovely stars-and-rainbow-sprinkled donut out of the bag and into the garbage bin this afternoon - argh - and in the end, i had to squeeze the entire bag of muffins into the fridge but i’m worried. can anyone tell me would the muffins become spoiled if i do that? hell, i already did that! double arghhh.

since tomorrow is Christmas, we decided to do a little celebratory dinner at Hans tonight. and i tell you, i’m incredibly disappointed with the meal and the surroundings. the fish and chips that i ordered was so oily and greasy that i felt like throwing up after a few bites; the chestnut soup was also very weird (Hao agreed with me but the rest marvelled that it’s pretty good T_T), with random stuff swimming inside the creased creamy base and i just couldnt make myself finished drinking up the bottom of it; and the salad was sour (they agreed, i wouldnt touch that unless my life depended on it!), and the iced lemon tea was very weak and only has a vague taste. the surroundings? a fly kept coming and buzzing around our food! and the waiters and waitresses there just arent very bright. and the whole place just looked untidy and messy and not very clean..

but i will say i still love this dinner because it’s eaten with the people i loved most in the entire world. :)

and the entire trip back on Bus 39, i saw the beauty they make on the trees - the twinkling reds and yellows on it, followed by the random flash of whites.. it’s really lovely.

are you seeing all these too, Pa?

**

right now, there are 2 things that i would very much loved to apply: iBanking and CitiBank Clear Card! woots, i had filled out the credit card form halfway; it just need scans of my ic, student pass and Mum’s ic. Mum had agreed to let me sign up for the card and i even have her signature already! i just feel so lazy to drop by the photocopy shop to get the scans oh somebody kick my ass please. and the iBanking.. ? i wanted to sign it up online but i feared the lousy security internet always brings. okay, so this short paragraph here is to remind myself constantly that i need to get these pending stuffs done! and soon too!

**

i have this new stash of clothes and bags that i had never wore or bring out before. i keep them away lovingly, refusing to wear them fearing that if a special day suddenly comes around, i would have nothing nice to slip into. so, those stuffs are kept for the most busy and special occasions but you know what, the stash had been multiplying and accumulating all these months, still bearing their price tags, but somehow, that special occasion never did come around (what had i been up to all these months?!). and thus, i never had the chance to wear them out. so there they lay, folded or tangled up in piles on my unused bed on the upper decked, along-sided with my bags (small and big, used and unused) and school books, empty paper bags - forgotten. plus some tops are really my favourites but due to their bright colours, i would never get to put them on for at least a year.

bummer for me and yay for Jas as she could borrow and wear them whenever she digs something she likes out. this is really one super annoying habit of mine - i wished i could be other people, immediately wearing their newly bought clothes the very next day they bought it.

right now, i’m stuck with all creams, grays, blacks, whites, greens maybe and.. and.. okay, thats all.

**

i finished The Lovely Bones today. i wished my english is so powerful that i can understand each and every word the writer wrote. but the ending left me feeling stucked, confused and very gray. so, is this ending a happy one or a _______ (fill in the blanks) one? i do not understand it. and i wanted so much to. there’s a reason why i choose to borrow this book, choose to get my hands on this book no matter what: it speaks of death, the stream of events that followed due to this tragedy; it speaks of heaven, of the dead abling to see the living, know what they’re thinking, feel each particular thought; it speaks of not able to let go, the grief that went along everything, the sadness, the helplessness. the grief of both the dead and the living.. the love.. the might-have-beens.

it speaks of so many things that i wanted to know.

but of course, a book is just a book, written by a living - to what extent that whatever she wrote could be true?

i guessed, well, i’m just out seeking for some consolation.. and answers - perhaps?

This picture never fails to make me crack a smile or two, so i shall post this tonight. :)

Today is overally a fun day filled with HK Cafe, The Golden Compass, Sakura International Buffet Restuarant and Kinokuniya with Ruiqi and Char. i will never step into HK Cafe to have their french toast ever again! ugh, so sweet and somehow, it doesnt brings out the egg taste at all. a frigging $3.90 excluding GST gone like that. The movie is alright but as usual, i gotta say that the book is more terrific :) go on, go buy the book if you enjoy the movie! Sakura, eh, i really wasted money on this dinner this time. $30 per pax and we eat not even half of what we paid? T_T i’m really not a buffet person.. bring me to Macs or Pepper Lunch and i’ll feel my money worth. but just not buffets. i could use the money and eat three meals of Pepper Lunch and Crystal Jade come to think of it. let this over-priced meal just buy me a lesson ;) but the food is really not bad - with a mixture of variety stuffs like ice-cream, shark fin soup, satay, dim sums, sushi, sashimi, etc etc! i would definitely go again one day, IF on an very empty stomach of course, haha. and lastly, we trooped over to Kino to grab some books. it was always nice spending time in Kino. i could stay there for hours and not get bored. that’s how i love books - all the pretty pictures and flowery writing!

at this time of the year, orchard is really dripping with christmas air and charm. all around us, people were taking pictures and there are flashes of light - be it from cameras or the shimmery christmas lights - just about everywhere! people were noisy and chatty and you know what, i really would like finding some place nice to sit and have a drink while basking in all this atmostphere and beauty. i would love to bask till the roads and streets grow empty and it will be just me and the beauty, twinkling softly. everyone is pretty much in christmas mood already, ladening with big bags of gifts and rolls of wrapping paper poking out. gosh, i would really love to be in their shoes now! but then again, i dont think i have the mood.

during the bus ride home, qi was telling me that i cannot keep thinking in circles and keep coming to the same old conclusion. she say i must try to let go, if not bit by bit. i must start thinking in a straight line.. i told her that i dont want to go straight and forget. i want to keep going round and round, reminding myself each time i go round that curve, telling myself i must learn, but why do i seem not to be learning? part of me knew that she is right, but i really cant make it to that straight line. somehow, it will just go straight and curve back, forming an oval. a circle never ends, meaning that all these thoughts will race round and round and keep cycling all over once it reach the end and starts again. seriously, i dont know what am i thinking. am i not the one inflicting such misery onto myself or what?

wahaha, and i’m the one complaining and ranting and moaning and whining all the time here.. life’s such a irony!

we also talk abit on friends issues and i was there grumbling about my so-called friendships and she reminded me that most of the girls are like that, boyfriends, boyfriends, boyfriends, and that i would probably be like that too one day since she is like that too, and that i should ignore and shut up about it. okay, i say the shut up part myself. hmm, i think what she’s telling me is true and i know myself that it’s true, just that i wanna be bitchy and whine a LITTLE about it. (a little, yeah rightttttttttt)

okay, be optimistic so i wont be so grumpy. so here’s one good thought for tomorrow,

1) I’M WORKING MORNING!

meaning i can knock off at 6pm and go for a mini-spree around TM or come home and watch Prince Jumong! yay!

and ending off with a happy thought for today,

2) I GOT MY HOST CLUB BOOK #11!

omg, tamaki yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :D!

Dearest Dad,

i miss you.

you’re always always alive in my heart. did i mention that?

at that top left corner i held my right hand close to.. you’re alive.

Love for eternity, your daughter and forever more,
Adeline

right now, the tele behind me is blaring the grudge in loud horrifying sound effects that proved once again what a coward i was, and being, as i’m too afraid and only dared to sneak a few useless glances. i’m interested yes, but still too horrified by the nightmares that might haunt me later, so i feel safer to avoid it hahaha. i love horrors but i’m afraid of watching? i think i’m changing, i’m no longer such a horror fan as before! i think stardust and star wars are my kind of movies now :)

oh oh, something random, i wanna grow my hair till long long again! i’m envious of other people’s shiny tumbling locks, while compared to my unruly limp ones. and yes, my hair is shiny too but it’s most probably due to the super active oil glands i have :( but what to do! unless i switched genes haha.

gosh, did i mention that how heavy my workload is in school and nobody understands? especially my colleagues, they never seemed to believe me whenever i told them how tired i am, without a single day of rest the entire week, and they will jump in and say how tired and exhausted and beat they were blah blah blah, and wanting me to sympathise with them! when they dont even care about whether i’m tired or not #$%$#%#! it always pissed me off and makes me so sad :( yeah, some selfish colleagues i have huh. they’re allow to rant and i’m supposed to agree, when whatever i say go in one ear and come out of the other. oh lucky, lucky me!

i’m super stressed by tuesday’s mp assessment but the hell with it!

happy-go-lucky, happy-go-lucky, happy-go-lucky

oh yes, good reminder.

something that i must mention: i found the cute kiddy watch that Daddy bought for me on my birthday! and i’m so thankful that i cried.

i wonder where you are
just that i always forgot to tell you
how much i love you

and ironically, it’s always too late

I’m wondering what’s getting onto me.

Sometimes I’ll just suddenly gazed off at a distance, thinking.. sometimes, I’ll just suddenly want to burst out crying.. sometimes whenever they started talking about pa and how stuff can always be done to prevent this and that and i just felt like slapping them for bringing this up for the 31243297492 time and for making ma sad and cry..

i wished i can just graduate faster, stopped having to see all those faces whom i dont like and quickly have some contribution to this family. i want to stay home more, but everytime school ends, and i have no work, i suddenly dont feel like going home where reality is so freaking, starkingly real.

today mom’s outburst shocked me a little. but what’s she said is true. when we were once given a chance to be fillial we should go and be to the fullest as we can be and not to wait till everything is too late to regret and daddy wont even know, cant even see, no matter how much we tried to make up for the losses.

i’m sorry, dad. i wonder if you can see, if you can hear us cry out for you, longing for you. and when i look up at the stars above, i wonder if that’s you.

Pa.. can you hear me calling you?

和他分開之後，
常常在街上看到某一個男人長得有點像他，就會想起他，
某一個人的髮型像他，就會想起他，
聽到別人唱他曾經唱過的歌，就會想起他，
看到類似他曾穿過的衣物，就會想起他，
經過和他一起去過的地方，就會想起他，
似乎身邊就一直充斥著，所有和他有關的東西，
想忘也忘不掉身邊任何的事物，似乎一直在提醒著你的存在，
常常越想要忘記的事情越忘不掉，越忘不掉的越痛…

today is a bad and a good day at the same time.

bad because our project work wasnt satisfactory at all, and the first thing in the morning, we got chided for being late and setting a really bad example, and after that we got dragged to pose pictures for ifc brochures unwillingly. gag! i really hope the photos got burn or something.. imagine seeing your own face in a brochure! *shudders* we have to pretend to fix the cables during lab and i have to stare incredibly long where the cameraman was pointing till my eyes blurred over ^%$^$%^. and for another shot, i have to look at the computer and pretend to jot down notes over my partner’s shoulder. it’s really hard to imagine how tedious models’ jobs are..

on a lighter and happier note, retrieval of images is done! and today’s check-up at the optician is gooddd! and and i just received a belated birthday present! :DD omg, thank you, i’m so happy can.

gonna go work at 6pm sighhhh. but tomorrow i’m off! so i guess i can start singing, "i’m so happyyyyy lalalala~.." now?

i’m flipping through no reservations pictures now and okay, i shall upload so i can erase them off my folders! :)

so sweet :)

i think sometimes i find it especially hard to understand. i think i really hate it when people keep asking and harping and saying on the same issue. have i not reply you? oh yes i have but you still keep asking and asking and asking. twice is okay but five is one hell of an annoyanceeeeeeeee. and now i’m just getting annoyed and it is furthur triggered because i’m so grumpy. and grumpy because i had a nightmare just now. people i loved covered in blood and crying somemore. please use your imagination and imagine yourself dreaming about such stuff. creepy anot? i think reading books on vampires/werewolves/twisted fairytales/gore are finally getting onto me.

old grumpy little me.

-

we had pizza hut for lunch today. pizza huts’ pizzas arent for me so i just had one slice of their hawaiilian pizza and my curry zazzle baked rice. oh man the cheese! i adore melted cheese to its fullest. yummy omg i’m swooning now. :) 5 glasses of pepsi and 3 cups of soup. i took 1 pepsi and they took 2 each. i love pizza with just it’s cheese and ham really. <3

i frigging hate going back to school.

-

oh man, i feel like doing some serious shopping soon! :( i borrowed a book this afternoon :D a book about this girl having a job selling lingerie. eh reminds me why i choose to borrow this book huh.

shopping shopping shoppingggggg!

-

and *drumrolls* introducing my favourite biscuits of the year!

the yellow one: Kid-O Creamy Butter Crackers Sandwich! *swoons*
taste superb!! i’ve been addicted to it since secondary school days!

 

and speaking of pictures, i’m still too lazy to upload no reservations pics :(

-

i just dont like you that much anymore. :)

he’s online.

.

.

.

 

after all these weeks and weeks and weeks. too bad i’m appearing off. sigh, do i miss you? maybe i do.

ooh, here’s one series i’m super keen on reading (: - The Dresden Files

ooh, here’s 2 songs i’m sooooo addicted to (: - Leave Out All The Rest, 4am In The Morning

when my time comes
forget the wrong that i’ve done
help me leave behind
some reasons to be missed

and dont resent me
when you’re feeling empty
keep me in your memory

leave out all the rest

-

i give you everything that i am
i’m handing over everything that i’ve got
cause i wanna have a really true love
dont ever wanna have to go and give you up
stay up till 4 in the morning and the tears are pouring
and i want to make it worth the fight
what have we been doing all this time?
baby if we gonna do it, come on do it right

all i wanted was to know i’m safe
dont wanna lose the love that i’ve found
remember when you said that you would change
dont let me down
it’s not fair how you are
i cant be complete can you give me more?
and all i know is
you got to give me everything
and nothing less cause
you know i give you all of me

 

 

and ooh, someone’s back home drunk again oh my oh myyyyyy what a surpiseee. do you wanna guess who? one hint: letter begins with ‘D’ for a more endearing word to call.

oh yes i wore red on national day. :D to my utmost disappointment, not many people wore red! i guess those who wore would be at marina bay and not at TM? anyway, i’m so happy that i wore red. the colour didnt seem to exist in my wardrode could you believe as i think the colour seems too much fancy. but yayyy, yesterday was a good excuse to wear it! :)

quite a pleasant day i dare say; my sales topped over 900+ hurrah, i had yucky oyster mee sua and apple green bubble tea for lunch, had fun crapping with cat and rini, psst! tell you a secret, i dont like tina. she can go **** herself. i just simply dont like her. fake? auntie-ish? had no sense of style at all! her character just sucks, please re-write. hahahaha! went home cuddling 2books from sans bkshop, and i ate dinner alone with an egg fried by mommy before they left for escape with rice and after that i propped myself up in front of the sofa to watch the NDP. a date with me, my book and NDP. i love the songs ‘digital city’, ‘would you?’ and the song that kit chan sang! :D it had been a while since i had the house to myself, even for a few short hours were wonderful (: me loves it. what can i say? i’m a loner at heart.

*

today i was very tempted not to go school. it’s unfair that the uniformed schools get their holiday and we get only one. eeeyer, some fairness please! school dragged by as usual and doom is coming, we can feel it. horror filled our consciousness at the realization that the deadline is very very very near. shucks, helpppp. my addrecord is going bonkers, and no one is waving their fairy wand and helping. i saved a copy of my work but i very much doubt that i would touch it on sunday. no motivation plus i’m hanging by a very thin thread, that might snap any second. hurrays for me huh.

i freaking hate school need i repeat?

work was funny, amusing and okay tonight. i had macs milo ‘cause i was almost starving and mac’s milo is always thick and lovelyyyy, me likes(:! non-stop customers ewww.

*

i saw the orange polo man at bus21 again with 2 red bags of flattened cans hurled at his feet. such sadness and frowns on his wrinkled face, and i feel so much for him. thankfully, he was sitting down, so i was happy. and i heard an old woman sitting beside him asking, ‘how much did you earn from those?’ in chinese. and he replied in a tired voice, ‘5 or 6 dollars.’

guilt, is such a earth-shattering emotion.

*

i suddenly thought of you, of how much i wanna clasp my arms around your neck, breathing in your soothing scent, running my fingers through those strands of hair mussed up in wax, clay or gel, knowing well you hated it, but you’ll let me do it anyway. i would breathe in deeply like the old times, indulgencing myself in the comfort of your arms, and cherishing that one lovely private moment. how sweet, how safe, how deep i feel for you. and then i jolted myself out, shaking my head silently, thinking why the hell i’m thinking such thoughts, when it’s all over, all over, all done and over with.

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows - finished. finally. and now, i’m mourning after it.

i’m really impressed by the story and how everything fell nicely together, this book is awesome! BUT-

the only thing i hate is, the epilogue - it could really do without the ‘19years later’ thingy you know. :(

I WANT MORE OF HARRY POTTER! NOT ENOUGH :((((((((((((((

i’m re-watching host club again and it’s one hell of a fun. i love you tamaki, can i marry you right now?

arghh, my complexion is really horrendous these days. bumpy and really waxy and oily look, like totally infection that kind. :( it’s red, and so unhealthy! okay, okay. it might be the stress. or the oily fried western food i had lately; like today lunch was chicken cutlet. and the day before, it’s chicken curry cutlet noodles. FAINT. why all chicken and cutlet?! and spicy and and.. :( ah, then again, it might just be the stress. yes surely i’m stressed after yesterday’s bloody meeting? thankfully, burt bees to the rescue and my face is so tight i cant smile or flinch, and i can see EVERY PORE OF MY SKIN! cool or what?! somemore, my face is green :D so totally grossed, on the other hand..

IT’S PROVE THAT I HAVE PORES ON ALMOST ON MY ENTIRE FACE EEEEKS.but  yay, it’s lovely, the blackheads are gone! and i’m using every bottle of facial stuff that i have, patting it on my face and let’s hope everything will subside tomorrow!

i love it when a bad day turns out good. headaches during lab, brain was totally fried by the tabbing problem, lunch was not very cheerful, and i was feeling stressed and annoyed which is really petty to mention. and i love work when there are more than 3 people working as things are finished faster which means we get to go off faster wheee. and oh, i saw you today at the bus-stop. was about to jump up to my friend’s back when i saw you standing right behind her. i stopped cold, and for the moment, i thought of pretending i didnt see you but i thought twice, thrice and finally turned away and stood in the furthest corner of the bus-stop. scare? maybe. i am scared for no reason. i just dont feel like turning back and seeing you and pretending to smile in surprise and then engage in a conversation. sigh, this cowardy old me. perhaps, another time? when i felt ready and stronger, and in a heck-care mood?

something saddens me and i always forgot to write this down. always. it just simply slipped my mind at the end of the day so does it means it doesnt really matter to me anymore? i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing. tons of times, i see you at the bus-stop after my house. and then i think, what’s with the change? why dont you come to my bus-stop anymore? i’m sad about this, disappointed though i dont know why, and felt that the distance between us is sky-high. perhaps. no chats, no keep-in-touchs, no nothing. you only seems to be there whenever you need me. and i guess, it’s vice versa? i felt sorry that this is the way it turns out to be. what about your nothing shall separate us? have you forgotten? am i forgotten?

-

i’m feeling hungry and there’s nothing except bread to feed on. and then a lightbulb suddenly sparkled off in my head as i stuck my head into the fridge. the mini-mars bar i bought a few days ago. ah there you are. perfect :)

-

omg i love love love tamaki. can i have you as a boyfriend, tamaki? you’re everything - stupid, silly, uber cute, sweet, thoughtful only when it comes to others but not towards yourself, gorgeous, and so so so silly and stupid omg. hahahaha, and you make me laugh. that’s a very very important thing. i want a you so badly in my life, hahahaha.

-

i had a nice chat with mommy dearest just now, and we talked about my school and work stuff. i complained, i ranted, i laughed. and then i realized, i didnt really ask her how her day went. i’m so selfish, arent i? :( i’m just hoping and praying that the one up above will bless her everyday and filled it with tons of laughter and happiness. i love you, Mom.

-

the reason that i love mars bars is because it’s snickers without the nuts. pure heaven (:

my teeth is gonna rot, shucks.

darn, i’m hicupping like crazy.

recently, i got this idea on how much i wanna go starbucks, order their nice camomile tea that tastes superb without stirring so it’ll taste sweet. it’s really that fastastic! :D then again, i would love to try out something chocolate-y and with choc chips inside! like the rumba frappe which i loveee so much last time. i find sitting next to someone when eating/drinking especially more intimate than sitting across from one another.

to me, starbucks has always been the place where you chill out with friends, laughing and talking over nothing. where you sipped on the lovely drink and chewed on the choc chips and stirred your drink with a straw as you toyed of what to say, eyes misting over sweet long lost memories.

recently, i suddenly missed cine alot. the wonderful cinema, the jap restaurant at basement with the yummy omelette noodles and nice egg beancurd, the subway where i only eat cookies.

recently, i realized how much i wanna have a shoulder to lean on, be it when watching movies, be it tilting our heads to the sky, or be it simply that i just wanna leaned on someone. someone, who i could rely on.

recently, i got this craving for mac’s and KFC. yummy miso fried chicken, i was thinking, with mac’s nuggets and twister or shaker fries, dipped in hot fudge and a cup of limeade. and ohhh their milkshake! :)

and recently, recently, i think i need to start sleeping early each night as tomorrow might be good.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHAR BEAR :) MAY ALL THINGS GO SMOOTHLY FOR YOU AND ALL UNHAPPINESS BE AWAY! MUACKS!
AND AND THE SONG AGAIN!!

HAPPEE BIRD-DAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUUU
YOU’RE BORN IN THE ZOO!
WITH MONKEYS AND THIS LOVELY ADELINE
HAPPEEE BIRD-DAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

how long had we known each other? almost 7 years? i’m in awe that time had passed so fast and it really seems like a very long time since we first met. just so you know, i’m always here whenever things gets tough, gets better or whatever come what may :D and here’s to 1548785459 more years of friendship, movies&studying&crapping&dining&lunching&insulting&pinching&poking&slapping sessions and loads more to come!(: wheeeeee, i love you, you love me hahaha!

More gentle moments be yours today,
happy birthday.

*

i’m having trouble starting the first paragraph of this post. should i wrote about sad stuff, i wonder now. or should i jotted down how great i was feeling today? or should i, should i, blog about yesterday? or the many bags that i wanna buy and am eyeing them greedily right this very minute?

or should i, blog about how sick i was during work on friday night? or should i, just copy and paste the stuff i wrote in my hotmail account during school while pretending i’m replying an email to a friend? those depressingly guilty words..

hmm, there’s so much to say.

today is a great day. except that i spotted someone whom i dont intend on seeing right in front of me. and i spun around immediately, my heart thumping loudly as i held my handphone to my ears dialing LS number. it was a shock, a total shock, and aww, how i wished.. but i shant say anything here ‘cause i’ll definitely sound like a love-sick teenager. but i just wanna say anyway, you stirred something in me. something i dont really wanna know what it really is; i’m being too cautious, too calculating, too spoiled to deserve you. i quite dislike myself when it comes to you. i just wanna say "i dont know" to avoid any confusion and trouble. i’m too.. realistic. practical, maybe? can someone tell me why my personality is so.. awful? i hate it so. it’s contradicting but it’s how it always is.

friday night was a bad night. my gastric was so soooo bad that i couldnt stand up straight. and mac’s fish filet didnt help anything, and champagne grape bubble tea only make it worse. i felt horrible, terrible and totally awful that i wish i could somehow faint right there. but i didnt go home, i stay till work was over. and i was saved by a cup of warm milk, those sweet kind. thankfully! i did skipped dinner that night, but didnt i skip all whenever i was working? so weird. :(

oh yeah, harry potter? i watched it. i can only say," i prefer the book much much much more" though i like harry, ron and hermione pretty much. i like the flying scenes too but i hate cho chang. harry doesnt make much of an impact really, and alot of scenes are really too abrupt and lack of something. maybe i just have too much expectation of this movie? but transformers are so much better, trust me. i could watch it over again and again. but harry potter? once is enough, thanks. haha, i’m being so mean but seriously, just read the book - which is so so much better and fantastic. i’m just crossing my fingers that the last book -which is coming out end of july- is not gonna be as bad as the spoilers are already suggesting. if it is, i’m gonna burn the book!

sigh, i love love love love the host club so damn muchie((: it just brightens up my dark grey clouds, it really does. i like things that makes me laugh and this is soooo much better because it makes me laugh, AND it’s incredibly meaningful. at least methinks so. :D

i’m feeling so inferior day by day. i miss my contacts and my straight frizz-free hair. i think i’m going crazy, oh yes i’m definitely going crazy.

i got loads more to say but suddenly, my leg is all pins and needles and i’m wondering what will await tomorrow?

sometimes i feel so incredibly lucky. though few close friends i have, those who i feel really comfortable talking to are really the love of my life. i missed you guys so damn much and i wish we could somehow see each other EVERYDAY like the old times. i missed WS, the library, macs, the foodcourt which held so much memories. but of couse, everything is different now, we had grown up somehow to be older, wiser hopefully and has a life of our own which is an entirely separate entity. even WS looks different now; newer, fresh smells of paint, more shops, and even macs looked different. the moment i stepped in, however, the memories it invoked remains the same. somehow, i wished that place never had to change. somehow, i hoped the feelings wont too, forever and ever.

i wish i never had to grow up so fast. why cant we chose when to grow up and when not to? things are different, in fact so different i’m afraid to face that fact. and as usual, the feeling sucks totally when others probably feel the opposite way around. but it’s a teeny bit comforting to know that you guys still can be reach by the same old number. things changes, feelings grow, thoughts reshaped but those very memories, those old times, remain the same. it saddens me, when i thought about how only memories are what leftover, like ashes, after the fire had died out. are those ashes blown away in a gust of wind? are those footsteps being imprinted in your hearts too?

i.miss.you, simply it says.

-

I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I, I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
Couldn’t care less about the lies
You couldn’t find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God’s hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it’s the end of the day
And we gave a lot but it wasn’t enough
We got so tired that we just gave up
We didn’t respect it
We went and neglected it
We didn’t deserve it
But I never expected this

Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky to heaven
It’s part of a plan
It’s back in God’s hands
Back in God’s hands

It didn’t last
It’s a thing of the past
Oh we didn’t understand
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Oh just what we had

i’m staring at the screen now. am speechless. many things to say but dont know how to begin. but fret not, today was a pretty lovely day, though work just ended not long ago, and i came back in a cab feeling hungry but happy and pretty satisfied. life seems great when you have things to make you happy, when you have things to look forward to. i love this feeling. and the things i’m looking forward to?

happy (harry) potter movie, happy (harry) potter’s last book, harry potter & the deathly hallows coming out end of this month, nana movie, millennium snow, more shopping this weekend (hopefully), holidays, earning more moolahs, engrossing into more books..  

simply said.

when i was in the cab just now, it was a plump middle-aged man who drove me home. as the cab turned the corner into my drive, i glanced at the meter. it read 4.25. and just then, this rush of sympathy and guilt just gushed into me. a trip and he only earned 4.25? i was thinking. and the urge of asking him to drop me off at my bus stop so i can walk the rest of the way home instead was so strong. ‘cause he wont have to waste time on me and can find more customers who has a furthur destination so he can earn more $. silly me, aint it?

 

"love is a 2-way street. it wont succeed unless both sides are thinking of each other."

and i long to gather up the stars and decorate my heart with them.

if i were to say,"i miss you."

would you be able to hear?

-

i also wanna be as skinny as Nana! :D

1. i’ve learnt something about fallen eyelashes from cat yesterday: close your eyes, made a wish, and blow it off from your finger, and the wish will come true! haha, so cute lah. sound so silly but you cant blame someone from trying, could you?(: but just as she was telling me the about it, i had flick it off already, arghhh!
2. i had nasi lemak today, ohhh how nice the chilli! and cat got us donuts from breadtalk: vanilla cream with chocolate stripes, oh so yummy looking!
3. i liked it how we could hunch together on the counter top, gossiping non-stop, telling jokes and ghost stories, laughing at mad customers(oh boy, today we met many), or sitting on the floor behind the counter, with the lights off. i just like giggling and laughing and talking and bitching over the silliest things. :D today i’m happy, kway chap for brekkie made me happy, 200 pounds beauty last night till 2pm alone and how i cry and cry at the last part.

-

above is a saved draft, left unfinished on saturday, i think. and what did i left off with? oh yes, 200 pounds beauty zomg. my new love before transformers. it’s awesome yeahhh:D i watched it alone on saturday or friday night i cant remember, sitting on the one-seater sofa with my legs crossed below me, hugging my pillow and nestling my chin on it. it rocks my socks off if i still wore one, it does! it makes me bawl and bawl my eyes out at the last part and how pretty is she! i wish i can cry as prettily haha. man, do those wavy tumbling locks filled my vision with envy and those eyes.. those EYES! hahaha, i think i’m smitten over hot girls. like the L word shane. goodness me, is this hinting that a lesbian i’m destined to be?

oh too bad too bad. hahaha!

I WANNA WATCH NANA MOVIE!!

<33

Today I feel kinda good and fullfilling and kinda sad and disappointed. is it possible to have so many emotions mixed together?

Today I treated Daddy, Mommy, Hao, Jas, Er yi for dinner at aijsen :D it was supposed to be a father’s day dinner which i owe him but i felt a teeny unsatisfied because he didnt seem to enjoy the ramen :( and i was too busy wondering and worrying and looking at him to see his reaction after every bite that i didnt really enjoy my own pork curry ramen. do you think he enjoy it? do you? do you?? after all, it’s a treat for him. :(( the feeling that you know someone is faking things by crooning,"ah, i lovee it." but you know that they really dont, sucks. but then again, when they’re being honest sucks more. ahh, the contradiction!

i’m so sad lah. :’(

but a happy thing was.. jas made me a crystal angel to hang on my handphone! :D pweety yeah!

so sweet, angel LEH :) must be me! :)

and and, might be catching transformers tomorrow!! :DD boy, i cant wait!

x

i dont know, i dont think you’re as nice a person as you look. are you? hmmm. i’ll sit back and watched.