the horror just kept coming.

am officially jobless.

it amazing i still do remember the password to this account.

it’s irky how feeling a tad depressed can be. when you’re feeling depressed, the first thing i will do is to stuck my head into the fridge. and then i will grab the first thing i see — today, it happens to be a half-eaten mars bar. and then you will chew chew chew and think i will feel better after this, i mean arent this suppose to be the chocolate’s job? to cheer people up? before you can finish the last 3 bites, you started feeling panicky and guilty and stuck the remaining 1/8 of the bar back into the fridge. and starts to down in lots of water. then you feel bloated. and even shittier. and you end up worse than before.

dont believe in chocolates, they’re lying when they say it makes you feel better.

**i do feel like this impossible girl who people find impossible to get along.

… and. AND. and. i dreamt of him again. ARGHHHH. i think the fault lies in his current re-surface out from Facebook. i tell you facebook is the horror of all. im truly am so glad i do not have an account. i see his pictures and each one feels like a slap across my face. he looks soooooo damn good. :( how can anyone looks this good?

*ROARRRRR*throws tantrum*

i think i know why i dont feel good today.

 

UPDATE: okay, am feeling a tweet better :) i got mail!!!

econs lecture was a total blur. after only 4 lectures, i’m already feeling extremely stressed. was it only me, am i just too slow? i’m afraid i cant cope, it feels so scary here. i’m almost ready to run.

coward, the voice mocked. stupid, stupid girl. are you trying hard enough?

it really isnt easy to juggle with the school load, the need to catch up with everybody, the stress of mixing with the new group, the bills piling up in red. i dont even feel like going out anymore. please, let things be better soon.

weekends practically flew before i can grasp some relaxing moments. i’m not happy with the new tutorials arrangement, i’m scared of meeting new people of different countries, i’m irritated by the awkward silence that follows once i stop talking. i hate it that i’m trying to engage everybody in a conversation but nobody else makes the effort to continue it. it’s very very frustrating. why is it that the people i have to mix with are all like that?

perhaps i am the problem, huh.

tomorrow is another week, another stream of lectures that i must ace in. i’m thinking lots of study sessions by myself soon. i’m suddenly feeling troubled. but no point in dreading. tomorrow is coming soon. in another two weeks’ time, it will be my birthday and Da’s engagement party. should i feel excited? confused is more like it. but it’s something joyous isnt it? i want to be a control freak. but look at my messy bedroom, my unmade bed, our house piled with stuff everywhere, my lump of bags and clothes on the floor and on the bed. i’m not getting anywhere near. i’m sick of meeting and carry on friendships with people who arent worth the time. my life is in a mess, as usual. i’m going to the library more than usual, returning books when i had barely finished it. life is very very weird. i feel like i’m living another person’s life.

ok, enough ranting, get to sleep.

it’s wednesday and i’ve just pop in an anti-biotic pill. for some reason, i’m counting the days off this week. monday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday - .. and then, it’s going to be friday. and then, the weekends will roll around with me sleeping most of it away and a fresh new week will start. only that it wasnt really that fresh cos the same old routine would start unfolding itself again.

my heart is aching.. sigh why is this so hard could someone tell me.

ignore and do the right thing. but the right thing is always the hardest.

ROAR, he’s really irritating tonight. dont remind me why i’m crushing on this kind of person. i got the lousiest taste in the world. bloody hell, i should have better taste, really.

this week is breakout week - i’m having some spots and bumps on my chin area argh argh argh! the ulcer in my mouth that just healed and the spot on my eyes must be the beginnings of the hint that i’m, in fact, pretty heaty. plus i seriously think that i’m deprieved of water despite KH’s smses crammed with please-drink-water-reminders that came almost thrice a day. sigh, i need to force feed myself at least two bottles of water a day okay! from errr, tomorrow onwards. yeah yeah, rightttt.

it’s feels rather great to be back to work and the yummy curry puffs that one of the perm staff always bought us every friday was the highlight. and today we got free m&m cookies and cranberry shortcake biscuits too! omg, i just realized, they are all sources of heatiness! i love fridays, except i dont actually like casual-clothes day cos i got limited casual clothes to wear.

-

it’s strange how a somewhat amazing day (filled with talks, rumbles, jokes and laughter with him) could end so disappointedly. but right now, it feels somewhat better, for which i’m glad.

i thought alot just now, when i was at WS library flipping through the rows and rows of books, i thought about this speedy friendship, about how it had progressed ever since day 1, when i first sat beside him in the waiting area, or when we sat together again in the meeting room, how well we clicked over random first-meeting chats. i guessed it wasnt surprising, he just click well with everybody, not just me. to him, i was just another person who he can make fun of and bully. we did talk more today, and i finally bought that question bouncing in my head for weeks out. the answer surprises me, and i almost could feel my heart dropping to the ground. but what was i expecting exactly? what was i hoping for?

all i know is, our barely two-months neutral friendship can never compete with a 3 years long relationship.

it is simply a crush, i’m telling myself. a spark of interest flaming inside my heart. and it’s time this spark spluttered and died. from now on, i will take this friendship lightly, i will just enjoy the company, the advices, the mockings, the teasings, the jokes easily. just enjoy and be neutral. that will be painful, but i will live, wont i? :)

as usual, what doesnt kills me, will make me stronger.

this is just a summer crush, with one outcome: i will be the one walking away.

and when i’m depressed, i shopped. this explains the depleting bank account at the moment. sigh, and i need to fatten it up.

right now, it just seems to me that i’m the one attracting all these loathesome problems onto myself. i’m at fault, i’m at fault. i should make myself immune to crushes, you know.

you know what hurts the most? it’s when you want something but it can never be yours. HAHAHAHA, oh my, what exactly do i want now?

i can never be satisfied nor contented, life’s annoying like that.

how i wish i can just chuck these feelings away, i dont want it at all. cos as i had said before, he’s not the kind of guy i would have like. but well well well..

sigh, why these damn things always keep happening?!

okay, just walk away. :)

i badly need to tweeze my eyebrows!

it’s 1044pm and i’ve just woke up a while ago and i completely overwhelmed by how tired my whole body feels. on the mrt, i sank gratefully into a miracle seat, and the moment my butt touched the plastic, my eyes slammed closed and i surrendered myself into the deepest sleep in weeks. and when i came home, i ignored the chicken rice dinner and crawled above my covers and lost myself in dizziness. i was completely knocked out. i’ve just ate my dinner and i couldnt finished it.

today ia a weird day, with alot of things scanning through my mind. like usual, he came over to sit beside me, and we talked. we talked about nonsense, this and that, and about his girlfriend. just a teeny bit. the more i know, the more i wanted to close my eyes and pretend i’m hearing nothing. they seems like the most perfect match. the smart versus the smart. what can i say? all i knew was that, it hurts, even if it’s a tiny prick at the heart, it still hurts. alot of times i did wonder, what exactly drew him to me. he wasnt that good-looking, just your normal average guy next door, those kind that you can just lost sight of in the streets, and you just cant remember his looks at the first glance. i supposed what attracts me was his sense of stability, the way i feel that i can always depend of him and he will never let me down, he have the answers to everything and he gives opinions honestly, easily and he is humourous, he cracks me up. of course there is more, like example, i like his hands. it’s super weird, but i just do. i’ve never noticed guys’ hands before. but with him, i just do. probably, it was the vibes of reliability that i was constantly looking for. one who would catch me before i fall, or better yet, fall with me. however, he is probably not the right guy for me, who am i kidding. i should just pretend that he’s just a passer-by in my life, and in fact, that was all he really is.

-

i was speaking much more to J recently, and yesternight’s chat with him was awesome. what more could i have ask for? he made me laughed, he made me smiled, he made me missed. he is almost fantastic. well, almost.

i’m still looking for the chance. would you give me one, god?

-

been ultra busy with work, there’s this long list of to-do list tacked in my brain. endless paperwork and more paperwork. sigh! is this what admin is all about. is this what my life will end with, i couldnt help but think. i’m so busy these days that i forgot what it used to feel like, slacked and carefree. now, i got deadlines to meet, hundreds of letters to type, print, sign, fold, slot, glue and send. oh mercy! my table is a major mess, comparable with my bed at the moment. i just couldnt see a single square of my bedsheet! or my table top.

you know, i’m actually not that stupid as those people currently think i am. sometimes, i find myself automatically switching to pretense mode. like i’ve said, it’s a natural reaction. it’s better acting ignorant isnt it? and oh yes, he mentioned that i’m actually very scheming right?

haha, not scheming, just guarded, i supposed.

i was real angry today; i realized i seriously cannot tolerate immature people, especially those who doesnt act like their age. of course, there are times to act childish and play around BUT you try doing that when i’m at my busiest and screaming is what you get from me. how many times do you want me to tell you that you’re childish? the sight of you irks me now.

-

i’m tired, i looked tired and i feel tired. it’s getting old. i do wonder, what is life all about exactly? what is god trying to teach us?

and will i ever learn.

this morning i woke up and tried this new thing called the scandal bb cream after blotting my face. i think i love the end results of this! after several hours, my skin is glowing with this healthy look and i think part of it is thanks to my new lime secret pact :) hooray, i think skinfood is getting addictive haha ;)

right now, i’m not only jobless and schooless, and i feel almost useless. i feel like i’m wasting my time away, fretting over the university issue, not getting a definite answer, and then.. what? isnt something that could be done to salvage these difficulties, clear these doubts? cant i find a job quickly, take the initiative to tidy up the house, or simply my pig-sty of a room? why cant i make a decision in a snap and just submit the application? it’s going to be thursday which means i can collect my transcript and then, what other excuses do i have not to submit the documents?

how come i’m not doing something? i’m kind of just shrugging and letting things be. it doesnt work out like that. there must be something that i could do, something that i must do. just.. something. anything.

this wandering feeling arent good. i need someone to talk to me, to guide me out of this.

 

but then again, i know these uneasiness would have to pass. cos there’s no point in fretting; life’s like that. things will fall into place quickly if i believe. but now, a hug would really be good.. you know?

 

the world will not change for me

thursday, somehow, this day feels very complicated. i had a nightmare. i dreamt of someone i never want to see again. stupidly enough, i hasnt been thinking about him. what makes my sub-consciousness decides to develop this particular dream in my cloudy head - i just have no idea. and it kind of made today feel rather sour. i’m so easily affected, it disgusts me.

tomorrow is friday, and it’s a Good Friday at it. i’m rather happy that i have something planned for tomorrow :)

i’m chatting with someone i hasnt been keeping in touch with since months ago. the power of MSN! but it’s good to say, we’ll kind of be entering the same phase together. soon. but of cos, he’s way way wayyyy smarter than me. and yeah, not to mentioned, he knows what he wants, and he knows how to get it. two very important attributes in which i totally, miserably, and unfortunately, lacked. it really sounds pitiful sometimes. i’m seeing all sorts of my friends growing up in all sorts of better ways, striving to achieve something that would do good for their future next time. i’m seeing them make important decisions, arguing over matters like which is the best for them and such, giving me the same advices they’re giving themselves. it’s like, a click, and they know - what, which, how, why. i’m highly envious and jealous of these inspiring attitudes.

i lacked such a commitment. hey, i dont even have a commitment.

i supposed a change in an environment is always good. changes might make us feel better, teach us something, mould us.. and there i was, yesterday, ever so sure of myself. remember i was saying i want to enrol into UOL, i was really pretty sure. then the someone speaks up now and the reason for the choice seems so small, tiny.. and you just wavered. you just seems more uncertain than ever. the walls building around that particular choice crumbles and collapses, and everything standing inside those walls shakes and weakens.

somehow, i dont want to hear anymore stuff that will affect my choice, my decision. but here i go again, wanting to hear more, wanting to make myself waver and hear myself say, ‘OK, i change my mind.’

this is seriously frustrating. maybe i should just forget the whole thing. just look for a job and bury myself in.

i really dont want this entry to be of a whiny post again. oh god why am i so hesitating, whiny, ranty and worse above all, so damn irritating? in a way, i’m annoying the worse out of myself. i’m just trying to drive myself crazy, over and over, thought after thought, word after word. there’s always something to stop me from performing out my decision. oh, blimey. oh oh oh.

-

right about just this afternoon, i heard from my mum and aunt that someone had dreamt about Pa and the dream consists of Pa walking into his living room and writing 4Ds numbers across the living room walls. somehow, i felt angry, probably because i’ve never quite like this someone. i’m angry that he wanted to strike the lottery so much that he dreamt about my father. it’s like… i dont know how i should put it but someone that i really dislike.. dreamt of my father.. giving him lucky numbers.. ? it just doesnt rhyme. oh well, maybe i’m just being jealous and protective over nothing. i really shouldnt go about brooding away what brought up that particular anger.. 

-

life is funny; i’m bitterly amused how it always twist around and manage to turn something you thought as well-planned, good, stable upside down with just a single flick. without a warning. it always feels like a slap across the face, like the chilly wind cutting against your skin the moment you opened the window. i hate things that comes without warnings, i hate ugly surprises. dont people learned that they ought to give a warning or a sign before something is about to explode? dont they! it really frustrates me, bringing all my moods down to a minus 10. i would like to be kind to you, seriously, i would. but then, a BAM suddenly, felt really like a harsh, icy slap across my cheek. i really felt helpless about how i should be dealing with this. should i start kneeling in one corner and start to think what the heck have i done to deserve this?

.. maybe i should. maybe i should start kneeling in that corner over there and start thinking why the heck i called you a friend. (though a friend i dont like much.)

of course, you too, are like kleenex. it seems that i only need you when i want to blow my nose. - so i guess, fair’s fair?

but i did try, and i got a feeling that i will be forcing myself to try again.

so, inhale, exhale, *big smile*, lets try again. - alright?

2 days of MC.. which is almost useless since i have no class on thursday anyway and friday, tomorrow, i’m going back school to pick up my portfolio @!$@#$@ and i so dont want to go.

i’m feeling kind of lousy right now.. the itchiness and the swell is finally getting onto me. i keep trying to refrain myself from having the urge to scratch but the itchiness came back after 10 minutes of applying the cream the doctor gave me. meaning that it is actually useless? hmmm. i have a disturbed nap this afternoon, and it’s still bothering me. and our house is feeling more cramped again tonight because.. yep, he’s here. i’m really getting annoyed over that, oh it beats me so.

about 6 more days to the first big paper.. and i haven even start studying yet. *knocks own head* and the thing is, being the mood i’m in, stuck with this eye infection and the fact that i might flunk my BB and N quizzes, everyone seems irritating to me - haha, i assumed i’m just being that annoying pricky picky fickle petty girl once again! - and that will pass soon.. hopefully.

may tomorrow be a brighter day for us all.

Have you ever tried eating maggie mee that’s cooked without the seasoning, just a few drops of light soya sauce and a sprinkle of pepper? well, if you havent, go try it.. it’s very, uh, healthy :)

-

#1: oh no, on friday i will be back to school (hopefully, hopefully!) and i’m not that keen! reasons being, i’m not completely healed now yet (bummer, argh) but i cant be absent on friday itself because there’s too many things going on! and plus, would you want to go to school looking completely ugly? i’m just so worried right now. spots, please begone!

#2: my bank is really emptying, help.

#3: my teacher still havent reply me about my re-scheduling! @$@#$#@! please reply me, you’re driving me crazy!!

#4: i’m so terribly frustrated right now!!!!

-

bottomline is:

♥ teacher, please email me back ASAP right this minute, this very second!
♥ face, please heal, i kowtow to you
♥ please lock up my ib device, slap my itchy fingers
♥ inhale, exhale

hello world, i’m very sad right now. i seriously hate fast decision-making. it’s always like, what happens if i make the wrong one? and then this fear will flow in, resulting in me hesitating and hesitating, and then when you had finally made your decision, it just happens that that choice is no longer yours and had been snapped up by others.

i’m very very sad right now. i seriously pray that my interview can definitely be re-scheduled. to a satisfying time of course! please please puh-lease!

anyway, just received news that oh, i actually need to get back to work at the end of february if i want to continue being an employee of LS. heck, i will still be having my exams then! so, i guess it’s byebye? maybe, heh, sigh, i dont know! damn all these decisions. if only there are better choices available.

right now, i’m just praying that my slot for the interview can be changed!

i’m supposed to be studying.. and updating my portfoilo (hahaha, as if i got better things to put inside) but i cant find the only sole cert that i’m proud of! my CG cert.. :( damn, i always have such bad luck in finding things.

and i’m supposed to be doing irritating flash clips and setting questions for netsec and burying myself in mcomm book but i’m not doing any of these. i’m too busy worrying about my interview and for the past hour, i had been vigorously refreshing my tpmail page hoping to see new mails!

another thing i’m hoping, that i dont need an extent MC. if that’s the case, that’s really the end of my BB presentation and napfa test, shucks!

please please, re-schedule my interview.. puhh-leaseee..

oh the lucky me has an interview on this friday oh hell. i hate interviews, they’re truly the bane of my life. i think it’s just that i dont like all these tests that prove myself, my capabilites, etc.. well, because i dont think i have much of those. :( but i think friday that it’s.

so this friday, it will not only be my first day back in school after 2 weeks of absence, but i have BB presentation, napfa test and an interview scheduled. not to mention loads of notes to copy!

…..

 

boy, i cant wait. :(

but on a slightly cheerier note, i had just finished my resume, cover letter and found an awesomeeee job ad (ya right, boring actually, and so NOT me). so, say YAY! :D

 

p.s. i might not be quitting LS after all, old little contradicting me says. hah! oh hell.

i’m hungry hungry hungry hungry. hungry and nothing that i can eat!

tonight spells the 4th day of being down with this chicken pox virus and so far, everything is going so disaster-like and horrible. imagine being confined to that tiny space whereby you paces up and down (a few steps only) and sit at the same particular spot each day, flipping and reading the same old stuff, eating from a folded-out table, slurping watery substances from a bowl, staring sullenly into the air, sleeping and sleeping, oh god, the list could go on and on.. and did i mentioned that i’m missing, like, 31 hours of important lectures and tutorials?! (hah! imagine me pinning over these boring stuff)

but well, hey anything could be better than being holed up - okay, i’m the one holeing up myself - right?

11 more days to go T_T and i’m starving already.

right now, i’m home feeling a little tad sad. well, just a little perhaps...

how would you feel when your so-called okay classmate, Friend B, tells you that a distant friend, Friend C, who you dont even exchange byes and hellos had been gossiping about you to B? or how would you feel whether this Friend B could be trusted because why didnt she try defending you or something? she didnt really, did she? and how would you know if this B hasnt been gossiping along with C and was telling you a different story saying only C is doing that? C is snotty and bitchy but, is your friend, B, like this too? ah, backstab, backstab not, it’s really that hard to judge.

and out of all topics, it had to be my dressing that you’re yakking about there. think again - just as long as i think i looked good, who the hell cares what you think?

i should really feel that honoured, Friend C, that out of so many people, it’s me you choose to gossip about!

ohh, thank you! (roll eyes)

okay, it’s new year. i can still hear crackers exploding in the night air with a WHEEEEEEEEEE sound. one by one, they cheer in awe of a new year. WHEEEEEEEE, they went, and went..

what does year 2008 means to you? something to look forward to? to anticipate something refreshing, something fun, something nice, all sugary and with a bit of spice perhaps? and what does ending of the year 2007 means? what would come right after? an ending to a bad year and oh yay, it ends, meaning the worse would be over and now, would come the great things that you had been looking forward to?

i dont know what year 2008 means to me. today, it just feels like the ending to 12 months of bad bad days and at 12pm, when the clock strikes, the countdown started again, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and then it repeats over and over again, adding all days into weeks into months and then into the years. and the pattern continues..

what to look forward to this brand new year? yes, the number 2008 sounds refreshing enough, anything but 2007, anything but that bad bad year, filled with the worse days of my life. but 2008.. so what? i see people whoop and cheer, i see people hug and kiss in celebration that they could witness a brand new start together, and what filled their hearts are hope that this new year would bring better things.. leave all the sorrow, hatred, regret, anger, unhappiness and loneliness behind in that year, locked it, jumped into this new number with the key tossed behind.

i want to feel like them, whooping in glee and hope and love, to be swimming in that sea of familiar faces i loved and cared most about, feeling warm, safe and happy. i want to leave this jumble of mess behind and jumped right in after them before that hole of 2007 closes. but i cant. my body might have entered the 2008, but my heartstrings had tied my soul in the past, in 2007, trapped, waiting, staying, lingering, longing.. and hoping..

i cant bear to leave, not really; i dont want to step into another new year feeling incomplete, feeling lost. it feels like i’m betraying Pa and stepping furthur and furthur away from him.. as time ticks second by second away.. as i started writing dates with "2008" behind.. i wont get use to it, i’m not sure when i will ever be.

perhaps, an increment of a digit sparks more happiness, hope, joy, and laughter..

i would be lying if i said i’m not anticipating. but then again, i might be lying about that too.

-

short and brief about my last day in 2007:

1) i got back m-comm paper - i got 46 marks out of 50! whoopedooooooo, this made my day more than a waffle hotdog would seriouslyyy! :)
2) for the first time, i had my first Macs breakfast - alone. it was nice.
3) we closed shop at 8+ and it was fun hanging out and having supper at Macs during the last few hours left of 2007 with Shaz. including shopping! though, it’s a short while because all shops closed early, we had fun.
4) we talked, laughed, talked, while chewing fries, filet burger for her and nuggets for me and cokes for us both. we discovered that we are really alike. ahahahaha, it’s comforting knowing that you’re actually pretty normal and not a nutty as you previously thought.
5) My buys:
- Brown Crystal belt - omgomg i love this but i’m unsure if i can wear it.
- 5 mahjong papers - to wrap parcels
- Scotchtape - to stick mahjong paper together
- $128 worth of LS stuff - for sisters and i

6) regarding yesterday frigging issue with my big sister, the more i think about it, the more pissed i am. and she tried talking to me in this voice like i am a 3-year old this morning. excuse meeeeee. this makes me more pissed than ever. then, she want me to use the $50 she gave me for transport this month to buy her bras and that she will ‘pay back the remaining’. like hello, then why in the first place did you gave me the transport fee for? %^&#$@ and to think she got like, 2 or 3 months worth of bonus? dont give me money then.

-

okay, i know it’s very bad to be at loggerheads with your silbling during new year, but sometimes, circumstances cant be helped. i dont wanna be rude or anything but who starts this first by minding her bf’s blankie so much? yes you read correctly: a BLANKET.

yes yes, your bf’s blankettt is so frigging important and pure and clean.

haha, i’m being such a bitch on the first day of 2008.

-

new year resolutions! people make them every year, but they make them for fun and how many actually stick by it?

so i’m not going to be greedy and make a list of items that i would forever procastinate and never achieve. so.. just a few well-wishes for everybody!

.. May Ma be happier and may things go her way and runs a smooth path for her to walk on, more good people come and help along the way, may she dont worry so much and live each day with a spring in each step and may she be healthy and strong,

.. May my big hot-tempered sister grow more mature and be more sensitive,

.. May my second sister work higher up the ladder and perhaps, achieve her dreams of studying business, and do learn to be a better mother,

.. May my little brother play hard and work harder, make worthy friends in his remaining secondary school years, master his guitar, and be a more mature and sensible boy,

.. May my little nephew, xavier baby, my favourite boy continues to grow up as he is now - cheeky, happy and funny - and more less mischievous and thoughtful,

.. May my brother-in-law, though whom i dont converse much to, build up a steady carreer, be a better husband to my sister and a wonderful father to my nephew,

.. May i, be more thoughtful, responsible, cheerful, happy-go-lucky and less annoying, get mad less, take up some anger/frustration/patience management course, and be more hardworking and considerate! and perhaps more sociable than now. and be a better daughter, sister, aunt, colleague, friend.

.. May Pa, really rest in peace. and may you know that we missed you so. terribly. and we loved you so much.

.. and to my friends, and darlings, to be able to succeed in whatever they’re doing and happy working towards their goals!

 

God, just packed everything nasty, hurtful, unhappy and regretful away and rained some fairydust for everyone. 2008 marks a new start of a hope, that after the heavy down-pouring rain, indeed comes the rainbow. would you bring a better tomorrow than the yesterday?

 

"Friends are there to let you be yourself and to accept you for who you are now and whoever you may be tomorrow. it’s important to remember that people change and grow, and as friends we need to let them happen; we need to lend our support, not our critism."

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okay, i’m actually going to shut down the computer, read Love, Rosie and get some sleep done before afternoon shift tomorrow, but i just received a message from friends asking me if i wanna skipped school on monday.

dilemma, dilemma.

i dont wanna skipped school, because we might know our term tests results and also, i’m not that keen to receive a second warning letter (though my first one was an error).

but then again, who wants to go school on a 8pm monday class?
and then again, submission of report is due tomorrow and my partner and i havent even touched it yet!

 

damnnnnn damnnnn school!

-

Today buys:

1) thermal pot
2) Mum’s jellies
3) my jeans
4) dry food
5) biscuits i picked
6) outfit for baby xavier

i love spending time with Mum and my aunts!

-

so should i go school anot?! i got work on monday anyway and it’s not such a big difference.
but that damn report……. ARGH i hate reports.

Crazy customer: "This bras got anymore discount? since they are display pieces!"

"Sorry Mdm, they’re already promotional items.."

Crazy customer: "You guys should put plastics on this bras you displayed on the racks! what if people got skin diseases and other people didnt know and tried the bras?!"

"It wont look nice and presentable. It’s the same as clothes. Did you see any shop with clothes cladded in plastics for displays?"

Crazy customer: "Hello?! You okay anot?! skin diseases are so dangerous these days! you know anot?! and bras are such personal items!"

"……………….."

"Haha, nevermind." *smiles sweetly, gives customer ‘You’re crazy’ look.

*

Hello crazy customer, i would like to see you try a bra with it’s plastic on. That will be certainly be the joke of the year! Hahahahahaha! you rude bitch. @#$@$!@$!

You know what, i’m really getting sick over my job. i’ve been spending so much time tagging up pj’s, undies, not to mention plastic metallic bras that i’m ready to squat right there on the floor with my fingers crossed over my head. (stop complaining, stop complaining will you?)

god seems to be putting up challenges to test my patience these few days.

like on saturday, when i went to work, i got sent to Paragon to pick up stock last minute. it was raining, the rain hitting painfully on my face and unluckily, i wore my specs (arghhh), and i lost count the number of times i have to take them off so i wont be blind and get knock down by those crazy cars occupying every inch of Orchard Road. worse still, when i reached there by train, i couldnt quite remember the way to Paragon. (i think it’s been too long a time i step into any shopping heaven T_T) is it right.. or left? normally, i wouldnt mind going around to search, but it was raining pitter-pattering and i cannot imagine going the wrong way and having to turn back and walk the other way again in that horribly grey weather. and to ask passer-bys the way also seems so embarrassing! so i used my instinct and my orchard skills and i walked the right way! phew, phew, phew. after collecting 3 big and heavy paper bags of undies and lingerie, i head back to Lucky Plaza to join the horrendously long taxi queue. but the cabs all came very quickly and the ride back to TM was great and sleepy.

and then and then, during housekeeping that night, i asked to mop the floor because the vacuum cleaner is so heavy and i’m lazy to lug it around.. and it turns out that i have to change the dirty water because, oh well, because it’s dirty and smelly and stupidly, i’ve requested to mop. :( is god testing me or what? testing to see how many times my black face will flash? hahaha, but all is well thankfully, i have good control over my facial expressions!

so i just knock off from work with an aching body and a queasy stomach.

i’m torn between what to do with my off-day on wednesday(which is today, right now!). should i go catch a movie and go shopping - i’m very dying to - or should i stay home and sleep, eat, drink, watch TV, read books? it’s been so long (okay, since last thursday) since i catch a movie properly without having to rush off anywhere, munch on chips and crunch popcorn. it had been even longer since i last step into a shopping mall without having to rush off to work or some other events. and i got only one day to do everything! one more day before work starts in a series of 4 more days again omg.

it seems like i dont have much of a choice. plus i might be accompanying Mum to somewhere.. you know how i love to spend some time with her; every night i came home, she’s in bed, and every morning when i woke up, she’s at work, and the moment she came back, i have to rush off to work.

you know, suddenly, i realized that i have alot of choices to make. alot of choices i dont feel like thinking and making a decision. oh, i hate making decisions.

1) when should i stop working?
2) if i graduate successfully, where will i go? - hang bras forever?/university?/NIE?/find a part-time admin job?

hmm, okay, that’s not much. but still, these decisions are going to alter my life forever. right?

 

forgot to add, these days i’m really quite sad that Jas is totally into maple, like truly obsessed. so much to the extent that whenever i tried talking to her when i come home after work, she only has her eyes on her game and totally ignore me. and like mother, like son, baby xavier is the same - he only has his eyes on his Power Rangers, or whatever show Jas has on the laptop to keep him from creating a nuisance.

well, just wanna say, i’m kinda sad about this. what’s so fun about maple anyway?

blogsome sucks today, i just wrote a shitload worth of stuff and upon clicking ‘Publish’, pffft, it’s gone! damnnn damnnn damnnnnn

I feel like whining and kicking my feet against something or stuffing chips and more chips into my mouth while finding someone to rant and complain and just whineeeeeee with. it had been a tiring day and i do feel very beat. my legs are aching and my back muscles feels strained and now as i’m typing this, even my arms ache. my hair is dry and i feel awful. it’s only the third day back to work and i’m ready to scream and runaway. almost every tiresome minute that went passed today are filled with stupid questions like, ’should i quit? should i finally made up my mind and go?’ tell me, what the point huh? i feel so lousy, incapable of anything, and i know i should perservere and continued dreading each work day - what’s so bad about working in a air-conditioned shop with kinda pretty things? where i just answer customers’ enquiries, help them find their right sizes, measure them, get new pieces, swap their cards and wrap their items up? whats so difficult about that? what’s so annoying about the customers? what’s so irritating about the fact that my malay colleagues are always yakking malay and i dont understand a single thing and i get so vexed about it that most of the times i walked away from them and try to entertain myself by straightening a panty or two? i know that i know how to socialize. i know how to make jokes and laugh at myself. but sometimes, it’s about whether other people notices that they didnt really try including you in that makes people dont bother wanna try at all. that’s how i feel anyway. and it seems like i have complaint about this issue umpteen times but it’s been so long and i havent found any solution or any improvement. it’s only when i get hyper moods and forced myself into their conversation and then they will say ‘channel5, channel5.’ but heck? why dont they try including me their talks instead? that would be nice you know. i’m sick about work, the idea of a new work environment that involves sitting on swirling chairs and typing data into the computer seems so fresh.

so today i tagged and hang up alot of panties and boxers and babydolls which are very yummy. chiffon, nylon, polyester, hmm! more customers trooped in to buy christmas gifts again and just yesterday night, a particular customer spent $100 on panties as gifts! haha. and today, one of my customers bought the santarina suit and that sexy game set! whoops, wonder what creative idea she is displaying tonight heeheehee. i had Macs today and shaker fries! :) which i kinda am sick of now, ugh.. the msg.. i cannot imagine. forgot to mention that i’m in Jas’s room now again, tippy-tapping on her laptop! she’s back to Jurong with baby and hubby.. and will only be back tomorrow!

geez, what a silent night. - Da is not home too!

MR OPTIMISTIC, WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUUUU

Today is a happy fab day! i got loads of things to say, seriously, but right now, i’m really having fun goggling at wordpress themes downloads! such a wide range - gorgeous colours! should i, should i change my layout?

BB paper is close to goner. the stuff that i furiously forced my brain to process didnt come out. in fact, it came out those very ones which i had feared. upon entering the examination room, i was praying that these theory questions that i havent paid much attention on wont come out. but haha, the moment i flipped the paper - i wanna cry. sigh.. why did this kind of things always happens? i’m quite upset by it but there’s really no point crying over spilled milk. i just have to wait and see.. if only Lady Luck would sprinkle some of her luck magic on me.. ! heh.

one thing i really dislike about cab drivers are those who took advantage on the fact that their passengers knew nothing much about directions and routes and they would pick the longest road to take you there, exploiting more money that it supposed to be. and i think today i’m suay enough to flag this kind of driver! i was telling him to go straight as it’s the bus route and i always think it’s quick enough. he refused, explaining to me it’s actually the same. the ignorant me, thought that he might be right, and i’m in a hurry not to be late for BB test that i shrugged and didnt make any complaints. so off he went.. and i was surprised on the numbers of turns he took, going passed Tampines MRT and the sports complex when if he had just went straight towards Safra like i had told him to, i would have save 2 dollars i tell you. this incident taught me that next time round, i must be firm and say, ‘ NO, I would like to go STRAIGHT please.’ practice, practice. (’cause lately, i’ve been taking lots of cab rides to school!) goodness knows why. the time just dont agree with me.

anyway, after the paper, i met yh to watch Enchanted. :) giselle sings really well! the way she always goes: ‘ah-AH-ahhhhh’ really cracks me up! my favourite parts have to be those parts that she sings - such sweetness and loveliness. but one thing i’m quite disappointed with is the ending. really abrupt and simple dont you think? either that or i’m really a complicated person, hahaha. and i guessed it’s the latter. i just dont think happy endings could be that easy.. (stop it stop it stop being unoptimistic!) but well, it’s only a movie. but i’m really glad i watched it.

[during the commercials, one of them is about this new movie starring The Rock. and suddenly, sadness engulfs my heart. i remembered how Pa likes watching The Rock movies.. and now, he can no longer see them, no longer enjoys them, no longer.. -

there’s not much to the sentence above, but i really wanna jot it down.]

work is really fine. our store looks very christmasy now, with all the reds, pinks, glitter, purple, polka dots, silver, zebra stripes, satin, silk, fur, reindeers, monkeys, santa suits (seriously, a sexy outfit for santarinas!), slips with lots of lace and shimmering plastics thingy, and even this game boxes in pretty black-and-pink boxes with this little spinning board where each arrow indicates this ’fun sexy’ stuff you can do with your partners! totally kinky! hahaha, i feel like a customer, walking around the stop, opening up new funny stuffs! i’m also crazy over the new underwear arrival - seriously! all polka dots with shiny pink stuff on them.. really pretty! and i love girly stuff like these! (oh why am i talking about lingerie that i fancy here, i guess i must be really high).. sigh! this is bliss. working in a prettier shop really perks one’s up. and the customers are mad.. digging and digging through the underwear piles and mixing up all the sizes! but i think this madness will only grow bigger since christmas is coming! alot of them is buying pjs and babydolls as gifts which i think is really nice. pjs and robes with reindeers on them plus glittery stuff - aint it cute! if i received them as christmas gifts (though i dont wear pjs), i would feel really delighted too! :D 

ironically, i think i’m beginning to like the overhead bridge! firstly, it gives me the only 3-minutes exercise i have everyday, and say no more to idiots drivers forcing their way passed red lights! double yay, so i think i should be happy with the completion of the bridge. :) and one thing i realize, it’s actually faster than waiting for green lights to flash once and wait for another one again! plus plus the shelter is a bonus point. :) so i’m happy yes, relieved yes, contented oh not really.

NOTE TO SELF: Chewing Gums Lessons

1) Never ever look down the elasticity and the stickiness of a chewing gum again. NEVER. they’re absolutely evil - sticking to fingers and practically everything it touches - well, except your saliva. and yes, that’s what happens to me when i took it out of my mouth using my fingers due to my ashamed ignorance and lack of knowledge. oh my poor sticky, yucky fingers.

2) if you see friends giving you a sweet from a bottle named Gum, please ask if you’re allowed to swallow it. i almost got one stuck in my throat because i almost didnt ask. thank goodness for having a big mouth.

once bitten, twice shy. (shudder) you know what, i think i will stay away from gums for now. GAG!

and now hurrays to 2 weeks of no school, work, work, christmas, work, work work.. and nothing else.

 

the more you choose to love someone,
the more your heart will grow

hello world, yes i’m still coughing and my tummy hurts now because i coughed too much. first time this had ever happened to me and it feels like what you know: after a long day of sit-ups and crunches. i couldnt laugh properly without wincing how fun.

so now it’s like,

*coughs*
*winces*
*coughs*
*winces*

on repeated mode, simultaneously.

WHY THE MEDICINE HAS NO EFFECT ONE

okay, i had shaker fries this afternoon *EXCITED* - shaker fries is backkkkkkkkkkkk!!!, and that regular size green tea i’ve ordered. and a sugar donut, swoons :)

work today was fine. i requested to have last hour break and knock off at 5pm to join family for dinner at WS. they’re having pasa malem there! too bad we have to head home early because of someone’s black face. that’s a long story to complain for another day :) anyway, choosing presents for kiddos is REALLY hard, i realize! i was browsing through toys ‘r’ us after work to look for a present for kakak’s son, the 8 years old birthday boy but i couldnt find a single thing i deemed as suitable. i was looking at monopoly sets and thought, that make a pretty awesome gift! look at this! toyland characters! i’m sure he’ll loveee it!, then i happily looked at the price. and turned and walked away. ranging from $69-$99?! i dont have that kind of money to fawn over kids yet! :( after which, i went around fiddling with scrabble, guess who, uno, cluedo (which i love, by the way :D), pink boutique monopoly (!!), boggle, pictionary, stacko, this fishing game whereby you have to fish your enemies (..?), action figurines, spray guns, bubble-maker, spiderman dummy.. and i suddenly wished i’m buying for a girl instead, so i could get barbie dolls! because the 8 year old me live by playing them, heh. but argh, in the end i walked out of the busy-like-hell toy ‘r’ us empty-handed.

and then -gasps- i found out that i’m not allowed to buy presents for anyone! that will be something like a celebration. phew, thankfully the monopoly set is too expensive. and maybe for this christmas’ gift-swap, i’ll just get everyone yummy cupcakes :)

speaking of christmas, it’s really really December. and i’m pretty much packed for this month. lots of mugging during this coming week, exams after which, work immediately for 6 days straight, off-day for christmas’ eve and working afternoon shift on christmas itself. the eve will be reserve for mummy and family. i cared nothing else. but it dont really feel like christmas without movies :)

i’m craving for lots of yummy food but i dont have much space in my schedule to squeeze these leisure stuff into. blimey bummer big boo. :( on a lighter note, i’m currently reading, The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. so far, so good!

 

Love you, can you hear?

Judging Day is over.

Should i say, phew or say i’m trembling with anxiety and sweating with worry? bad news is, i guessed it’s both. :( today is a pretty bad day in terms of luck. cant really jot much in long sentences and swearing words so i shall keep it short:

1) i woke up late, took half hour trying to decide if i should wear formal-lish clothes or just anyhow wear, and at the same time msging my friend to know what she’s wearing. then i took some more time deciding which pair of shoes to wear -.-, finally settling on covered heels because i was afraid i got kick out from judging if they see that my other heels is not fully covered. bummer being a girl.

2) actually, wanna take taxi because i was late and i got 9am quiz in the morning and i came down to the bus-stop a few minutes to 9! but realized that i left 6 bucks and i might be kick out of the cab if i couldnt pay :(

3) met J on the bus, heh, and the funny thing was, we rushed up to the lab together but - i went in the wrong room and he blindly followed in. resulting in a class full of strangers staring at us like we’re aliens and when we tumbled out of the room after a few stunned seconds, laughter was roaring behind us :( what a embarrassing action!

4) we reached the correct class, and the moment i took my quiz paper, i wanna cry. it’s damn hard okay! well, at least i’ve secure 3/10 marks thanks to the art of copying and passing of information in whispers. :) get 1.5% i should be happy. yes, okay?

5) 10:00am - realized what a fool i was to wear the pointy heels because they’re starting to hurt. ouchhh.

6) we were actually the second group to present for judging but the first group arent ready, so we got lucky and be the first :(:(

7) the judgers are stupid alright - they act disinterested and seemed to want to try and bring us down by saying things like, ‘can be copied from other websites blah-la-blah-blah-blahh’. we’re so sad and angry and feel so un-worthy. thanks very much judgers. and to think we were so happy and thankful and in the i’m-so-happy-i-wanna-kiss-the-floor-state when we found out that you’re our judgers. big boo-hoo.

8) busy busy work day. but i think i’m quite lucky to have nice colleagues. well, they could be worse but i’m just still in the i’m-so-happy-i-wanna-kiss-the-floor-state because i can have my off days to study. though i’ll be working like a workaholic immediately after my papers end. T_T yeah, immediately meaning directly after my thursday paper at 6pm. T_T

9) and work tomorrow morning at 10am!

sigh, i really dont have a life. but at least judging is over and phewwwwwww :)

today was spent rushing to school because i was late for ccom class, rushing to finish the bloody final report after school which was actually due by 5 but we only managed to finish at 6. busy busy busy. right now, i’m so happy that The Final Judging Day is finally going to be here on friday. right now, i’m still holding my breath and all, and on friday, i can finally breathe the sigh of relief out.

i’m incredibly stressed by broadband quiz though. after trying unsuccessfully to study the first chapter last night.. i think i’m quite ready to toss the book in the air with my hands held up. each day i’m like racing here and there, with so many pending tasks hanging over each step, and i feel so tired with work schedule to meet. and tomorrow is a off day but i have plans in the early afternoon with Mom at the HDB thingy, and after that i have to rush back to school to complie the website. oh whee, i bet everyone is envious of my lack of life.

i am too.

another thing before i let bro back to this computer, i loathe groupmates who doesnt do their best in their allocated tasks. broken english, few phrases copied from other people, copied nevermind, she copied the wrong stuff and just happily right-click and paste it in. hello, we have to do the edits for you huh? i hate them for their lack of seriousness, always going missing when we are at our busiest. this is the kind of people i wished i never have to partner with in future. i seriously sympathize with the people who are going to work with her this semester. wish ya luckkk!

Dear Friend,

i wonder why, your attitude is disgusting me more and more everyday. i count silently at the minutes whenever i have to spend some time with you, and i wish we dont have to.

Dear Friend,

i wonder why, we have to change so much. why cant things remain at that one point of time where i could link my arm through yours freely, make fun of one another, message each other almost everyday, tell each other almost everything, have meals together loads of time, study together while testing one another?

Dear Friend,

do you even remember what’s the last movie we have watched together.. ? you know what, i do remember. and do you remember the only chinese movie we’ve caught? no, you dont. you insisted that we didnt.

Dear Friend,

i cant help it. i just really dont like you that much anymore.

maybe that’s a blessing in disguise, eh.. friend?

Love, from your Friend

shoutout of the day:

okay, my m.comm quiz is a goner. i got a different paper from my friends who claimed the quiz was easy-peasy! *bang the wall*

ARGHHHHHHHH!

-

annoying things aside, today we cleared viva presentation with a thumb-ups! okay, i’ve imagine this myself; but miss lee said we did pretty okay, so doesnt that means a thumb-ups?:) next week we got more headache stuff to clear but relaxxxxxxxx, one thing at a time baybeh! i’m acting so excited i dont know why.

my sore throat is recovering nicely, but now, i’m tempted to cough every few minutes continuously. i dont know why either.

i actually got loads to write about but somehow, everything’s forgotten. i think i need to go out and get some fresh air soon. all work and work is making me incredibly grumpy, sad and dull. i need to pick up the pieces spilled all over here and there, find them, mend them, glued them, and stick them together whole again. imperfection is sometimes more of a beauty, i feel. the scars and crack lines doesnt matter. whats important that it’s whole again.

and the first piece i pick up from school today is that touch of confidence that i had somehow lost. but that compliment, those simple words had brought a spark into my eyes, a glow onto my face. i felt incredible and mighty, and just for that moment, proud of myself.

thats the first time i felt the old me, burning inside somewhere in the depths of my soul. it’s still there, trapped perhaps, forgotten perhaps, but it’s still there.

-

i’m tired, restless and beat. tomorrow there’s work to attend to, netsec quiz to study , chapter 3 report to write, website to finish correcting. so many things, so little time. and worse still, i’m the world’s lousiest organizer. you can see from my life. a mess among the messes. maybe people can start calling me Miss Messy. and i’ll go, ‘helloooooo!’

-.-

lastly, work is really very sian. just plain sianzation. 3 more days!..

on a lighter note, i really really wanna watch Enchanted.

 

Miss you miss you miss you.

cough cough and sputters*

tonight, as i sat typing here, everyone’s in bed, including da and her boyfriend and the world, to me, is silent. i can only hear the sound of these keys tippy tapping away, and i’m distracted by the flickering of the smiley face’s mouse that gan-ma bought back during her beijing trip.

i just did some mcomp studying, claps on my back and pats on my head for being almost goody-goody. but ha, who am i to kid? no matter how much i seem to be studying, or whacking my brain cells over a certain question, i seem to only able to give up in the end. that’s me. i’m ashamed of that me, for the matter, but i’m always unable to kick away that bad habit. ‘give up give up’, stupidly, seems to be my motto. and i still daresay i wanna graduate? but the question is, do i deserve to?

-

today marked the 31th day since that day. somehow, funnily enough, it seems like just yesterday, and yet, ages ago at the same time. as usual, i dont know what to think. on the outside, i look cheerily enough, almost like my normal self, laughing and cracking and talking to the best i could with my terrible sore throat, all smiley and sometimes quiet, but i never shown my feelings to these people i see almost everyday. (except that lia caught me crying at one time) but how could they have known, or would even care for the tiniest bit, that inside, i’m weeping? crying, screaming, kicking up a fuss, emotionless-

it’s was only when i’m alone, on the way home from work, walking towards that bus-stop behind the mrt, or sitting alone by the bus window, or at night typing all this shit out, or at night sleeping in Daddy’s room would i let myself feel such despair and helpless-ness. i thought about the unfairness. i ask every god i knew well silently, looking up at the sky, why him? i keep asking. why him? why my Dad? why must he be the lesson learnt? why must his death be the one teaching others to cherish their lives by going for regular checkups? those idoits never seems to care about all these before Dad’s death. so why must it be Dad who let them learnt and realized? arent this unfair, God? i questioned you. if you have a reason, indeed, let me understand so i wouldnt be so resentful, spiteful, be filled with such auguish, misery, guilt and pain for him that no one will ever understand no matter what they say that they could.

every time i sees something that reminds me of him, the turmoil of emotions that washed over me is over-empowering. it gushes through each and every of my veins towards my heart and you know what, it feels like a hand closing over my heart, squeezing it hard. tears will threaten to slip out and i’ll hastily rub them away with the back of my hand. ‘dont cry, you silly girl, dont cry.’ some moments, however, i sat, stunned and shocked, as the truth washes over me once again: Dad’s gone, he’s gone. and it always feels like i’m re-disgesting that fact over and over again, recapping every single incident from 24th again and again, and i feel numbed to my bones. part of me dont believe it, while the other shouts and punch the truth into my head. it hurts. it hurts till it shocks and i feel nothing at all. sometimes i feel happy and fine you know, because i’m pretending that nothing has ever happen. things are still wonderful for all of us, everyone in the family well and fine. but then, something will snap into pieces inside you again and everything started crashing around you, over and over, again and again. it’s like a cycle that would never stop cycling.

death is a great teacher. but it’s too bloody damn harsh. 

i know, i know. people will say, ‘this is life.’ indeed it is. but why why why why why? why him? i still want to understand, to embrace it and let go, but my heart and brain kept racing with this question.

why him? why my Dad?

there’s one thing i’m not clear and pretty fed up about! why is my gmail always filled with spammed emails like, something to increase dick’s sizes or drink more viagra or whatever? it’s really annoying that i have to clear these bloody mails everydayyyy :(!

-

anyways, i called in sick today because of terrible sore throat, body aches and dizzy spells. which also means that i missed m.comm quiz. which also means i got to go for the re-quiz and i’m pretty nervous about when it will be, because okay, i admit, i wasnt well prepared for it. but i heard it’s easy! but the re-quiz probably wont be the same, damnnnn damnn :( but believe it or not, my head is still dizzy :(

and oh yeah, the doctor sucks. the other doctors in other rooms already finished their consultation by lunchtime and mine havent! so when mom and i went in, he was in such a frenzy that he asked immediately what sickness i have. then he hurriedly (and i mean in such a hurry) took my temperature, listen to my heartbeat and he didnt even tell us what sickness i have or ask me to drink more water like doctors normally will tell me- he just passed me my mc and prescription and said bye! bloody dr edward. i’ll remember you! make me wait for almost 3 hours just to get your lousy consultation. boo-hoo for you, doctor.

so overall, i waited 2.5 hours more and spent 5 bucks less for a polyclinic doctor.

hmm, maybe next time i can think again if it’s worth it.

-

i got loads to do right now. so many things, too many responsibilities! arghhhh.

1)ccom report - chapter 3, due on 28/11
2)changes to website - final run through on 27/11 and judging on 30/11
3)study for broadband and netsec quiz for next week
4)viva presentation on this friday!!!

omg, ding dong tick tock - did i just hear the clock laughing?

and i’m still wondering if i should go school to tackle the bloody website tomorrow. because right now my stomach is acting funny and my throat too :(

i hate this semester and i havent have a great day in weeks. plus workload both in school and at work is driving me crazy. i need to stop either of them. but how can i drop work now? i’ll get killed by my colleagues. but how can i give up on school now? i only left this semester to graduate!

i finally understand how it feels like being a sandwich now :(

right now, the tele behind me is blaring the grudge in loud horrifying sound effects that proved once again what a coward i was, and being, as i’m too afraid and only dared to sneak a few useless glances. i’m interested yes, but still too horrified by the nightmares that might haunt me later, so i feel safer to avoid it hahaha. i love horrors but i’m afraid of watching? i think i’m changing, i’m no longer such a horror fan as before! i think stardust and star wars are my kind of movies now :)

oh oh, something random, i wanna grow my hair till long long again! i’m envious of other people’s shiny tumbling locks, while compared to my unruly limp ones. and yes, my hair is shiny too but it’s most probably due to the super active oil glands i have :( but what to do! unless i switched genes haha.

gosh, did i mention that how heavy my workload is in school and nobody understands? especially my colleagues, they never seemed to believe me whenever i told them how tired i am, without a single day of rest the entire week, and they will jump in and say how tired and exhausted and beat they were blah blah blah, and wanting me to sympathise with them! when they dont even care about whether i’m tired or not #$%$#%#! it always pissed me off and makes me so sad :( yeah, some selfish colleagues i have huh. they’re allow to rant and i’m supposed to agree, when whatever i say go in one ear and come out of the other. oh lucky, lucky me!

i’m super stressed by tuesday’s mp assessment but the hell with it!

happy-go-lucky, happy-go-lucky, happy-go-lucky

oh yes, good reminder.

something that i must mention: i found the cute kiddy watch that Daddy bought for me on my birthday! and i’m so thankful that i cried.

i wonder where you are
just that i always forgot to tell you
how much i love you

and ironically, it’s always too late

i got a yummy cupcake for breakfast, an egg sandwich during break and mcnuggets meal for dinner today. i just had my macs at 730pm and now i’m hungry again. pig or what?

CCN day was plain boring. i walked passed almost all the stalls with my friend but i just couldnt find any stalls that sells pretty stuff or cheap bluetooths! yes, i’m a cheapo and i’m looking for a bluetooth for my computer. T.T but almost all the stalls were selling food! donut balls (which we bought for 3 for $2, and i threw away the peanut one god bless me, such a waste!), lollipops, popcorn, kuehs, nasi lemak, ice-creams and more donuts etc. where have all the cheap bluetooths gone to? :( after wasting our time squeezing in between the horrendous over-ethusiastic crowd (shudder), and almost getting rainbow sprinkles on my white top, i have to go back to the gloomy lab to proceed with the stupid project.

what a sad day. plus i seem to have some lack of communication with my groupmates. sometimes, it gets really so frustrating that i dont care anymore :(

-

i think i need to start relying on livejournal’s writer block topics to write my posts next time round. nothing could be more boring than this. seriously. all i can write is to rant non-stop, grumpy frumpy one.

i’m quite annoyed with some people now.

morning shift tomorrow, may the sun woke me up on time.

-

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着.. i think about you every minute, every second, every single day.

i’ve been spending alot i dont know why.

guilt filled me.. just what am i doing now? whatever am i doing?

and my milk coin bottle is not even 1/10 filled yet.

i’m tired tired tired. my head feels like a hammer whacking non-stop at it. i feel fainted.

mp assessment today was plain plain horrible with a capital H. my heart was thumping incredibly painfully as the stress weighs heavier and heavier. giving up is always the easy way out. and just right then, i fantasized myself yelling "okay okay stop torturing me, I GIVE UP!" and walked away upon seeing the teachers’ shocked faces. HA. i’m so tired that my neck hurts, my head hurts and i feel like puking. i hate school, this stupid mp project and stupid quizzes that i dont understand a single thing.

next week is going to be a busy busy week filled with lots and lots of brain draining work.

i suddenly wanna say, ‘i wanna give up. i dont wanna work anymore, study anymore. just let me give up. just let me give up, okay?’

hmm, have you tried oat milk before? i’m drinking a glass and it taste kinda funny at first but after awhile, it seems alright. :)

**

i’m sad, i’m hardly really happy these days. i pulled on a face on at work, i frowned when things dont go my way. i’m never content and there i go, accusing people of being too greedy. what the hell is wrong. this is a bad year, i hope it goes quickly. i cant wait for new year, christmas, spending quality time doing quality things. i cant wait for big sales, buying things to fill up the emptiness inside. i cant wait to meet new people. i still got many things that i thought i must and will do but never get to it. like cycling, oh how much i wanna go cycling, feeling the breeze tickling the hair, whoosing smoothly down those slopes.

life is peaceful. i’m using work to make myself forget things. but the thought of quitting seems to pass through my mind everyday i’m at work. i’m tired, tired of whatever i’m doing now. :(

i need a lifesaver.