did i ever mention? i LOVE the smell of Dettol. when it comes to Dettol, i am like a glue-sniffer. i take in huge gasps of the smell whenever i shower.

when i’m not worrying about humoguous registration fees, i’m fretting over what’s for dinner. it never stops when you’re me.

sometimes i feel very random,

feel that i am in this need of detoxing. i feel so dirty somehow, and fat. i know it’s silly, but perhaps thats what being out of school for such a long time feels like. - you simply feel out of the world and in a terrible need to move your bones, exercise your mind. rice cakes are a wonderment. i have them for breakfast and then tao suan for lunch. very unhealthy. i feel yellow. i feel that my hands are shaky. i wonder what’s up with the family dinner this saturday. credit cards are such money-savers sometimes - when you have school fees to pay. i hope Jas’s condition is nothing serious. i wish we will get the 7 free movie tickets. i quite like mondays and wednesdays because i get to do my stuff slowly. i am happy when i get to sell off my stuff :) i wish wish friend and i will get the job soon :)

i feel sweaty and sticky right now because i’m sweeping the floor halfway. AND i watched New Moon’s preview last night and am happy to have something to look forward to :>

Happy Birthday, Pa.

–

this Friday + weekend have me fully hooked onto a taiwan police drama Black & White, starring Zai Zai :) thanks to the DVDs, we have finished the enitre 24 episodes in 3 days! very very exciting and thrilling with so many twists that i can faint from shock, i’m anticipating a Part 2 — i hope there’s one!! i believe that the world is mostly tinted in grey. just like humans. we arent totally good, we have our ugly moments tucked away somewhere. the good side VS the bad. what colour are you? :)

–

yay, and we just might get 7 free movie tickets :) hmm, love tea + milk.

–

just received a xxx letter from university. really money-suckers lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i sure hope all these random fees wont bankrupt us before i can graduate in peace. ARGH. one fee after another!

the horror just kept coming.

am officially jobless.

it amazing i still do remember the password to this account.

it’s irky how feeling a tad depressed can be. when you’re feeling depressed, the first thing i will do is to stuck my head into the fridge. and then i will grab the first thing i see — today, it happens to be a half-eaten mars bar. and then you will chew chew chew and think i will feel better after this, i mean arent this suppose to be the chocolate’s job? to cheer people up? before you can finish the last 3 bites, you started feeling panicky and guilty and stuck the remaining 1/8 of the bar back into the fridge. and starts to down in lots of water. then you feel bloated. and even shittier. and you end up worse than before.

dont believe in chocolates, they’re lying when they say it makes you feel better.

**i do feel like this impossible girl who people find impossible to get along.

… and. AND. and. i dreamt of him again. ARGHHHH. i think the fault lies in his current re-surface out from Facebook. i tell you facebook is the horror of all. im truly am so glad i do not have an account. i see his pictures and each one feels like a slap across my face. he looks soooooo damn good. :( how can anyone looks this good?

*ROARRRRR*throws tantrum*

i think i know why i dont feel good today.

UPDATE: okay, am feeling a tweet better :) i got mail!!!

i realized i get upset easily alot these days.

and i cant even write properly now. the cursor kept blinking, prompting me.. but i dont know how to say it out aloud. okay, type it out aloud.

i am sad. angry. pissed. jealous.

feel like i’m on the road to insanity.. why is she like that? why is it that she wants every single thing that i want? why is she always copying my everything? if dropping out or quitting school means i dont need to see her again, that very idea seems incredibly tempting now. sometimes enough is enough. i’m very flustered. my heart feel like it’s in a big tight knot.

sighed. *bang my head in frustration*

another thing is.. school. in less than 50 days time, i’ll be sitting in the examination room, the paper in my hands. i’m not ready. not even 50% ready. everything suddenly seems so hard now. picking the easier way out of flunking everything, seems ideal.

i’m sucha loser.

still am, still are, unchanged.

i’m not happy.

girl in the mirror, you’re not that likeable.

i told myself i’m going stop having distractions (looking for food, watching TV, eye the bed, switching on the PC, smsing people, etc), dig out my bundle of notes and REALLY STUDY. but guess what..? i read 3 pages and officially gave up. my paper is on wednesday, mind you!

little me arent really scared huh.

i’m soooo dead and i’m just beginning to feel the heavy waves of stress.. YOU DESERVED IT!

**

due to the heavy downpour today, i decided to cook YH and me lunch. last week, i cooked us curry maggie mee with crab sticks and hotdogs. ended up that the hotdogs arent even fully cooked! thank goodness none of us ran for the toilet. so this time, i decided to cook mian xian with hotdogs (again!!) and an egg. YES!!! YOU READ IT CORRECTLY!!! i can now cracked an egg without shells dropping into the egg white/yolk!! it’s absolutely perfecto! *proud* i was amazed. well, perhaps i’m just gifted in cooking and i only realized it till now =)

this time, once the water starts boiling, i threw in the nicely-cut hotdogs to prevent any uncookness.. and it turns out terrific!! i think my cooking skills arent very bad actually but if you asked my dear brother, he’ll sure beg to differ. but i still think i’m improving! even if they’re easy to cook stuff.

taste very nice!!! of course.. the bak kua was a nice addition..

**

re-read my morning enty and boy, dont i sound cheesy?! =)

**

i’m reading someone’s blog and envy envy envy!

**

hehe, i just spread manuka honey all over my face just now! any effects? well, i’ll only see them in the morning!

Hello you, i dreamt of you today. it was your voice that i hear.. your smile that i see.. it was you sitting close beside me, the warmth and happiness that i feel.. it was then that i realized that i do missed you. despite the fact that we dont talk much anymore, and oh how i missed those times. we always want something that we dont have, we often miss something that we no longer have. all these talks about cherishing and stuff, is all really bullshit huh?

you’re a chance that i have let go. perhaps.. you do miss me a little too?

***

back to reality. the paper is a day away.. worry and feeling sick with fear.. doing nothing whatsoever over it.. for the umpteen time, i do feel that i might be better off not studying.

the grass is always always greener on the other side. i bet i will miss studying if i choose to drop out!

finicky fickle minded you. if only i’m smarter.. then perhaps i wont feel like a loser..

hello world. been almost a month since i trepassed here with my doodles! times flies. especially, especially when you’re stressed with exams and of spending too many other hours when you’re not studying to read words and words of beauty forums. and recently, in this midst of my horribly stressed world, i still find the time to come up with a new natural skin regimen. i’m sick of using products that make my skin backfire, and with that, spending loads and loads of money that sure had gone to waste!

so my homework is pretty much these: skincare and schoolwork (which is TERRIBLE, i tell you. we practically made airport our home in the past weeks of mugging there.. and spending loads of $$$ on the food and cheer-me-up snacks! imagine your bank account breaking out in $20’s every two days. am very broke now!) the gst money did not help. almost gone now.. but my bills is still piling up. =X

another paper next week. i have no confidence. it’s hard to imagine that in about a couple of weeks’ time, the real exams will arrive and i’m afraid i will say that i’m still ill-prepared. i’m nervous to the bones. jittery, flittery, buttery in the knees. the idea of the finals make me sick.

it’s like another O levels but 20 times harder!

hehe. i’m loving Jennifer Aniston. caught He’s Just Not That Into You and Marley And Me. both wonderful shows! Marley and Me made me teared. why do Marley have to die?? life sure aint fair. even in movies.

suckie biggie time! am in the deepest shit. feel that this studying route arent for me. wanting to quit but how can i, with all there thousands being spent already?

guardian angel, please help me.

very, very broke. have been splurging on beauty products pretty much lately, for both my skin and my hair which is giving me problems and stress of trying to come out with solutions. the recent craze is soap and shampoo bars!:)

i cant wait.

contact lens seems to be the thing that poor me couldnt afford right now. it sucks not having extra money to spend. i’m practically counting every single penny these days. like, picking cheap cream chicken pasta over ridiculously-priced but yummy black pepper chicken pasta. old cheapo me. and i’m rather health conscious now (at least today) and i did a wonderful job of forgo-ing the irresistable Maggie for chocolate milk! okay, it’s still chocolate, but still.

-

am very tired. am very stressed. school is killing me and i have yet to be hit b the full blown of my reality. this sure sucks. i hope my new mycin gel will cheer me up!

practically drooling on my shoulder and falling off the chair. need some sleep. be right back.

Dear Diary (somehow this sounds very endearing ha-ha),

and so i just came back from The Wedding Game movie after school last night. some very amusing parts but it’s a teeny bit boring and draggy at the end. school almost filled my entire day.. with maths and poa lectures. seats were half-filled cuz some of the students were still away in their countries. lectures were sleepy and we were plainly just scribbling whatever the lecturers were scribbling. but maths got better.. probably cuz i understood the lesson, which for i’m glad.

i think cliques are funny. the group of friends you surround yourself with, every single day, probably should be whom you like, right? funnily enough, i dont like mine. (okay, not that i think they like me, in fact i think we all feel the same way, but whatever) today, they should be somewhere gambling and having a laugh somewhere tucked at one of the girl’s house — an affair which a friend and i decided that it’s something worth missing for. it’s not like we like gambling! i dont even played with poker cards or mahjong (i only like building houses with them, childishly) so if i did go, you’ll certainly find me with the remote control in my hands, fiddling with the buttons in a bored-out way. — we just dont click, plain and simple. this is why i dont really understand why Mum was quite persistent about wanting me to go and have fun. i mean, sure, i would definitely go if it’s fun but why go to somewhere where you’re very certain that you wont be having any? just call me a outcast, anyday. sometimes, i think i live better being in tiny groups than a big one like this consisting of people whom i dont like hanging out with.

the point of this whole chunk of paragraph? i didnt go. dont want to. dont even feel like. they’ll definitely be yakking about how anti-social we’re being, but we’re not. we’re just tired of pretending to enjoy ourselves. i very much prefer the way i spend my today: watching Bridget Jones’s Diary and Freaky Friday with Jas, and out to the mall to catch InkHeart. and shopping! omg, did i mention that i got a very nice cardi for just 5 bucks? a belt for $12? and my current-favourite cleansing gel for $12 due to a sale? *swoons* managed to do some laundry — folding and hanging them out! :)

Inkheart fascinates me :) though the reviews arent fantastic enough to suit me, i still think it’s a movie worth watching! we love it! i’m now going to immense myself in the book and start comparing hehe.

i think old movies are soooooo much nicer sometimes!

these two days of CNY more or less bored me almost to tears.. half the time i found myself falling asleep on someone else’s sofa!! it just isnt even fun anymore. and the food doesnt please me as i thought it would after all. same old, same old. every stupid cny. even the ang paos failed to cheer me up cuz the amount is just enough for me to pay for my contacts. oh, i’m being such a ungrateful whiner, am i not? i.am.just.arent.very.fond.of.my.freaking.relatives. — on the other side.

tomorrow is back to school! just aweeesome-ness.

oooh, i’ve caught Bride Wars yesterday and it’s pretty good. :)

sigh-ed. been pretty messed-up over my ridiculously-behind schoolwork. and it’s always either school and no money, or money but no school. you cant have both when you’re me. this sucks, you know.

and so i went to buy a quite expensive drugstore shampoo called Nizoral, costing me $25 from Guardian. (really expensive for a shampoo that size if you asked me) desperate times calls for desperate measures, what to do. THEN i dropped by FEP’s Watsons today and realized they’re selling it for $22.90! i feel very cheated now. i’m cursing to myself at my stupidity of not checking the prices before handing over the plastic card. ARGHHH.

next, i finally finally have my eyebrows tweezed and plucked by professional hands. the usual rate is $15, but due to the busy CNY period, it now cost $18. ignorant me shouldnt have picked a so last minute time to do my brows!! double ARGHHH. i’m feel even more cheated now! and, it’s not like the end results of my eyebrows is so amazing.. i’ve seen better brows above my eyes thank you very much. sure, they did wish me a happy new year with a free gift of a red paper bag and two oranges inside — but still…

what a day.

on the way home, i even fell asleep on the bus and i think i alarmed the passenger sitting behind me by smacking my head onto the railing very loudly heehee. then i proceeded to pretend that the smack hasnt wake me up. gosh i must have look like an idiot…

i’m soooo gonna source for a new pimple cream tomorrow!

tomorrow = last day of school till thursday :)

GOSH I WANNA WATCH INKHEART! (have borrowed the book to read and it looks pretty nice..)

i’m driving myself crazy trying to find a anti-dandruff shampoo that really works for me. so far, all the bottles that lined at pharmacy stores are all bullshit products. i’m pretty upset by the amount of money i’ve spent on useless shampoos. i think they actually made my hair worse that it already looks. big big sigh. i think i will probably drop by Guardian and demand some help.

and speaking of pharmacies, i need to re-stock my expensive contact lens solution.. why is money always bidding goodbye to me!!

we went to PS to catch Rachel’s Getting Married today, after econs tuturial. i dont really understand why all the reviews are giving it a 4-5 stars but i think i will only give it a 2. if subtitles is included, i’ll probably give another star! why are movies all now subtitles-less it makes me crazy, argh.

tomorrow is tuesday, which gives me something more to be cheerful about. oh by the way, i’ve finished The Host a few days ago, and did i mention.. ? i love love it. it’s amazing. :)

Things To Be Done Before CNY:
- tweeze eyebrows
- paint toenails
- try the new straightener in case it burn my hair on the actual day itself
- top up my ez-link

"Love is the sum of our choices, the strength of our commitments, the ties that binds us together."

i feel that my stomach is on the floor and somebody is stomping on it with heels. darn the bee hoon with otah lunch that i had this afternoon. now, my tummy simply feels that is is rolling around in flames. the burning feel you know? very very uncomfortable and i’m feeling slightly nauseous now.. i just went to brush my teeth and rinse my mouth with Oral-B hoping to remove the disgusting aftertaste leftover. yuck.

am also feeling that my hormones is over-frying.. a very pissed off day full of pissed-off moments.

the most annoying thing: the crampy train and seatless bus. - why is the trains always so bloody crammed on saturdays? and for lucky, lucky old me, it’s a school day for me.

the next annoying thing: why is my supposedly cute nephew not so cute anymore these days? he is so proud, demanding and unreasonable now, screaming all over the place when things dont go his way; totally ignoring me when i was outside the door, my hands full of stuff and i was asking for the key nicely; whining, crying, yelling and stomping his feet to watch the living room TV when we offered to let him watch in the rooms cuz we wanted to watch SCV, which is only available on the living room TV. sigh. he is turning into this impossible little monster. i want my baby back.

the next next annoying thing: my pink ruffles pink top came. i was happy.. then disappointed when i discovered that the ruffles arent identical on both sides. the left is fuller than the right. the perfection gene in my body kicked in. i emailed the seller and it turns out that she has no more pieces to exchange. all she can do for me is to give me a discount of 4 bucks. whoopie whoop. now i’m just going to look weird and even more unattractive for CNY. great.

i’m getting all wobbly at the thought of CNY just round the corner next week. feeling all sad, yet trying to sound like i cant wait for the day to arrive. it’s hard being bright and chirpily cheerful when you simply just feel like going one corner over there to sulk. and sulked deeply that’s it. i’m being such a whiny baby. i want to be mature and grow up and accept things while letting the burdens weighing on my shoulders go. i want to remember only the good things and try to avoid the weirdness and loneliness feelings that seem to wash over me again and again. i want to be a happier person. i miss the out-going, sociable side of me. but she seem to be there no longer. these days i very much prefer to curl up in my world with a book.

school hasnt been going extremely well. envy is a sin. not feeling confident enough feels like shit. it makes me just want to hang my head down and wish for all attention diverted away from me. it got worse to the point that i wish i was invisible and i can just come and go.

the angry bumps on my U-zone arent helping. does my face needs anymore ugly-fying? jeez.

this seems like such a depressed entry.

i planned to be a much happier person this year. seems like i’m wishing for the same old thing every year. that never seem to happen.

motivation… please give me motivation..

leg cramping. homework very lagged behind. stomach in flames. shitty skin. unfriendly nephew. stress of exams. piling stack of unread library books. strained friendships brewing merrily. uncut toenails. big sum of contact lens fees pending. messy bed strewn with bundle of clothes tangled up. boyfriendless life, making people think i’m an unwanted weirdo - perhaps that’s true. lack of sleep. unpaid credit card bills. irritating sister dragging us into her every wedding plan whatsoever. discovery of an wrinkle in my forehead. stressing with Mum over money problems. exams deadline in may. motivation all gone…

life, is looking rather bleak at the moment.

i miss my Dad terribly.

hmm, getting sick of this layout yes i am. gah!

tuesday is supposed to be one of the best days in the week, excluding friday but my tuesday is kinda ruined now cuz i only get to be alone now. where is my peace?!!! i seriously dont like my well-planned day all spoiled with more noises and less privacy. but okay, at least they had all gone out now..

results received last week. besides Econs, i managed to scrape through the other 3 tests. just barely actually, but at least the results are slightly better than Test 1. i need to work harder. somehow, i lacked motivation.

wedding dinner on last friday. very boring. i paled in comparision with my pretty cousin. sucky food - i only like the cod fish. pretty bride, pretty door-gifts, pretty toilets, free car rides — that’s about it. and oh yeah, very very sucky wine. perhaps it’s just unappreciative to me haha!

school still sucks. i hate mondays cuz i got an extra class other people dont have, but i loved it that i have tuesdays off due to the extra class. contradicting, yes?

cny is almost next week. i got a pink top and another pink (okay, fuschia) top for both days. very original huh. i just need to pick up some more accessories and i think i’m all done. Mum doesnt seems too pleased with my shoes collection (very limited to me though) so i think i’ll just stick with my new sandals. frankly speaking, the only other thing i’m looking forward to this CNY is the movies at night :)

hmm, earl grey tea is nice. i had it just about any other day when i got time to sit down to enjoy my breakfast. :) and bolo bao is a nice addition!

i realllyyyy enjoy Sookie Stackhouse books! the nicest thing i’ve discovered this year – so far.

i’m quite excited about econs now cuz we learned something new during yesterday lecture that i understood. happy yes?

bumps have beginning to appear at my chin area. oh please dont let it be a major breakout!!!!!

feel that today is a miracle day. makes me think that perhaps there is still hope in me afterall. got back our maths paper during the lecture and i thought i will definitely, definitely flunk. but yours truly did pass! it was not merely passing, but an acceptable average mark. i was happy of course, exhilarated even — until – a glance at my friends’ results pin-points how poor my results actually is, in comparision. but nevertheless, it is still a miracle that i pass, so be thankful, you ungrateful girl!! (:

THANK GOD.

ran a few errands — pay exams fees of $1254, deposit money, dumped cheque, top-up fare cards, collect 3 of my reserved books, and got my hair conditioner and cream. Sookie Stackhouse: #1 Dead Until Dark is finally here!!!! i wanted to watch the TV series, renamed True Blood but the video was downloading soooo slowly.

still having the CNY outfits dilemma. if this carries on, i might be considering wearing rags instead. hee-haw.

NO SCHOOL FOR TOMORROW!

-jumps around-

technically a tiring day, excuse me for not getting incredibly excited or hyped-up for Econs earlier in a monday morning - the first day back in hell after 2 weeks of pure, sweet heaven. but okay, at least now i’m back in reality - i should be - since our dear lecturer wrote a big fat 130 DAYS on the whiteboard.. which will be the number of days left till our Econs paper. the real exam mind you. i could feel my heart expanding and contracting in fits just then… i want to go back to my unrealistic, safe world. :(

with the stress of schoolwork hovering close above my head, i’m also stressing over the variety on CNY clothes to pick. should i get something outrageously red which i’ll probably just end up wearing once/something sweet and very simple/something black and red/ something Mum would love.. ? argh why am i even worry about something so insignificant? i should just buy whatever i like. but the problem is i like all of it.

browse-browse-browse. think-think-think. ponder somemore..

this aint working. blue or pink? quick!!!!!

.
.
.

one of my sister picked pink and the other chose blue. -faints-

*

okay enough, i’ll re-consider tomorrow.

today i lugged back a big bag crammed with my *new* Vichy day and night moisturiser — costing me a bomb of $78. of course, to some people, this amount is probably pennies.. but to me, it took me quite alot of beating about the bush, sneaking looks at the Vichy counter longingly, one minute deciding to just leave, and the next thing i know, i was already at the counter chatting with the promoter. and the moment she whisked out the 2 products, i know my money is already in her hands. sigh, my $78! i can buy like, 3-4 tops with that money and the bottles are sooo tiny i doubt it’ll last me as long as 3 months as she promised. but i got a free straightener cuz the cashier managed to con me into spending another extra 2 bucks. i’m so gullible, what to do. but i’m excited about my new purchases!! i wont be wasting money *chants a million times* - dang i’m so broke.

recently, amazon.com is my favourite online hangout. i love reading book reviews, god why am i such a nerd. i scroll through the list of bestsellers and one particular vampire series caught my eye - Sookie Stackhouse! i need something to fill in the empty Twilight spaces.. :( Sookie Stackhouse seems very Anita Blake (one of my favourites vampire series until the author decides to focus more on porn-related stuff in around err, book 15 onwards i think. i dont remember), which is one of the reasons i got so excited when my mouse clicked upon this book. i would love it alot if it’s like Anita Blake minus the porn. :)

and the next best thing have to be the NLB. -sigh- i have currently 6 books under reservation! teeheehee. gosh i’m so excited.

oh well, meet the nerd. -waves-

*

i’m being called BORING this week. perhaps i should start reflecting deep into the mirror at my inner self. it’s kind of insulting, if i had not known that she is kidding. what to do, there’s a big part of a loner inside me. i’m just not that kind of girl who everybody likes to get close to. i can only feel comfortable with certain people. i guess, weird describes me.

*

… also, HE ASK ME OUT!!!!!!!!!

sigh. it’s rather depressing that there are no new themes for me to use (unlike blogspot) unless i wanna steal one and tweak it to fit.

yes, you’re right i’m a teeny bit sick of my layout. is this one of the changes i would like for 2009?

Mmm.. i would really like to make a list of what i hope for in this new year. nope, resolutions they are not. i dont follow them anyway. i just need to make some wishes to brew some hope that they will come true, to make my life a tad less depressing.

(you know what really pisses me off? ..

1. when there are no auto-save functions in Blogsome and i badly wish for one.
2. when someone announces she is off to bed, and then 5 minutes later, comes out and ask to use the PC with a promise of "very fast one" which in the end stretches to half an hour, leaving me to sit at one dark corner like an idiot to fume silently. if you wanted to use the PC, you can tell me earlier before you decided to sleep, right? thanks to you, i have to re-write the post all over again. and no, i cannot save it in time because you come popping behind my back.)

okay, enough of fuming. i fumed quite easily at night when i’m struggling between the need to sleep and the rule that sleeping is a waste of time when school is reopening in a few days. (eww…)

as i was saying before the rude interruption - it’s officially goodbye 2008 and hello sweet 2009!

i’ve finished re-reading The Twilight Saga today. i think i love the books very much and it saddens me to say goodbye to Edward and Bella. even though i have to admit that some parts of the writing is rather teenage-fiction-y, i’ve grown quite attached to the story, and it’s difficult to see the THE END at the last page of Breaking Dawn - and then we continue on this small but perfect piece of our forever. it depresses me - sort of. i very badly wanna catch the movie again but the stingy angel in me decided that i would not waste money on a movie i had watched before (bloody recession). heeheehee. anyway, the depressed side of me have been picking up the books, flipping to a page and re-reading the bits and pieces all over again. i’m addicted, what can i say! -growls- i cant stopped myself.

i have quite alot of plans for tomorrow, hint: helping Gan-ma with the washing of dishes (bond to be incredibly sweaty) ‘cuz she is alone at the stall, and some shopping after that. hopefully, we have time to catch a movie after that! :) and oh yes, my hands are very itching to get The Host. 

a terrifying thought suddenly occurred to me while i was rolling on my Mum’s bed with baby boy while watching Little Mermaid, that first thing on Monday’s agenda would be Econs. bloodily horrifying bring-me-to-my-knees econs and i HAVENT HAD ANY WORK DONE YET.. since two weeks ago. uh-oh, i definitely deserved to be glared and screamed at by my caucasian lecturer now. he can be very intimidating when he wants to. -sigh- what a day!

speaking of 2009, by the way, i need a change. a good change, of course. wish me luck!

HAHAHA this cracks me up.

i’m hungry.

it seems like i would have to wait out for lunch today.. ugh. Jas is still sleeping, i think. i had tom yum cup noodles on monday which means my lunch got to be something more healthy today.

anyway, i’ve tried those stuff that i’ve bought yesterday and i think my skin loves it. i’m still thinking if i should get the retail-size bottles but it is going to be very expensive no doubt. $100, probably? all is very tempting.

a bit of peace. TV switched off. everybody in their rooms. three dozing off to a slumber (a sweet one i hoped), one singing softly to themselves (my eldest sister anyway haha), one gaming or online shopping, and finally me, alone in the living room, windows shut and the door locked.

a perfect happy place and time where i could think without distractions.

re-watched Iron Man with bro this afternoon, just two of us. over the last week, i had caught High School Musical 1 & 2 (i cant wait for 3), What Happens In Vegas (again), Narnia: Prince Caspian, Wildchild, Flushed Away, Resident Evil 1, 2 & 3, Yes Man and Twilight. jeez, i cant help but feel slightly geeky hee hee.

i need to pluck my eyebrows. happily, the thought that i dont need to travel to as far as orchard road to do my brows makes me very happy indeed - thanks for the new beauty salon that opened at TM a few weeks ago. i still need the courage to try their techniques though, cuz i have come to conclude that different beauticians tweeze in different ways and styles. bummer if you’re unlucky and picked one who gives you painful and throbbing stabs, make you tear and leave those tell-tale red blotches all over your eyes. hmmm.. but perhaps the courage would come with emergency and urgency. CNY is coming round the corner after all. speaking of which.. i only have one new CNY top to wear. two more to go!

shopping irks and cheers me now. irks first cuz i dont have much to spend (gasp - and Da was telling me she just spent $80 on a dress a few mins ago! unfairness or what?), cheers cuz i’m happy to have any reason to shop. but of cuz shopping is only fun when you can just buy stuff without looking at the price tags hee hee. but that will be too unlike me - i will always look at the price tags before judging a top is nice or not. oh stingy me.

my next-door indian neighbour is outside her door making ridiculously loud noises for a night like this. for goodness’s sake they cant even open the door without making 1001 amount of noises!!! luckily there are some pipes thingy standing between our doors, or else..

speaking of noisy neighbours, we seem to be getting alot of them these days. loud rolling sounds can always be heard upstairs and we were all eager to use our bamboo pole for other uses other than hanging wet laundry. poke-poke-poke! so tempting isnt it! it had started becoming a inside joke that there must be murders being commited upstairs, judging by all those noises.. ewwww.

also, a paint-job project to re-paint all the blocks around here is going to be in progress soon. i cant bear to think about the amount of noise and dust our new neighbours (the painters) will be making!

**i’m really excited about getting a copy of The Host soon!!! *dance around*

OMG TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF 2008!!!!! - i only just realized. applause everybody, i’ve managed to come this far. perhaps it doesnt means anything, either. just another day for me.

it seems like once i start having the mood to write, i can hardly remember to stop. often, i wish i have a built-in hard disk inside my brain or something, so i can note down every tiny single memory, words, and feelings i would like to remember. but sadly, no. my brain is far from that. and pitifully, i tend to forget things very fast. one distraction is all it takes.

yes, still watching Moonlight Reasonance.

*

my heart feels very confused right now. tangled up. words failed me. words trapped inside, words that couldnt be released. perhaps i’m getting panicky. tomorrow will be wednesday the 31st, which is techically the last day of 2008, the first day of 2009 dawning. time flies isnt it? too fast, in fact. so speedy that it’s impossible to grasp anything. anything i wanted to bring into the new year. anything refreshing, anything worthy, anything memorable. fact is, 2008 is a big bore, a year of complications and confusion. a year which feels like a maze and i’m still trapped inside those green hedges, the exits blocked, and me, sad and lonely in there. i was alone. i’m still alone. will 2009 be better? a question that speak volumes. perhaps i cant wish for more. i should be feeling grateful if it isnt worse that 2008.

i dont understand why these feelings cant go away. these sadness and loneliness engulfing me.. this fear.. i’m afraid to step out. i wonder where is those somebodies when you needed them. i wonder how come other people have full of somebodies but i have almost none. none i feel appreciative enough for, anyway.

i feel such a sinner, for feeling this way.

*

it’s amazing how i couldnt write properly when i have people hanging around me, half-afraid that they will pop up behind me suddenly, reading over my shoulder.. it makes me shudder. perhaps i valued privacy more i think, or i couldnt help but mused on the fact that maybe i’m embarrassed to be caught blogging? it’s rather frightening, either way. right now, as the dark curtains fell over the world, the TV is blaring behind me, flashing my current obsessed drama 家好月圆, my baby boy a few feet away from me scrawling cute transformers (i should think so!), Mum cutting her fingernails.. makes it a very ordinary Tuesday night actually.

and oh yes, i mopped and swept the floor today! it’s rather amazing, too, how satisfying it feels after i worked out a sweat doing housework. very tired, sweat sticking my shirt to my body, stinking up my hair, but satisfying nevertheless.

i’ve finished reading Breaking Dawn and Eclipse. the ending is fantastic but.. i wished for more. 4 books is too short. am re-reading Twilight now while i still can! sigh. the movie is quite amazing though, if only they followed the original script fully. it’s just too short.

i havent get any studying done. yet. darn. sigh. i’m so dead.

randomly speaking, i was at Watson’s just now and i managed to grab a sample of a moisturizer i’m very excited to try out and the brightening eye roller at 20% off!!!!! utter bliss. if only i can just ignore that the hole in my pocket is getting bigger…

so happy. but still very worried cuz i haven been touching my books since the last paper on the 18th. a week flew by and i just let myself immerse in the excuse of a Christmas mood. so christmas is over right now, shouldnt i be starting to mug already? get cracking?

am terribly disappointed with myself right now. too bad i dont have any resistance over this. too bad a weakling is all i am.

- comtemplating on getting The Host..!

**watching 家好月圆 is making my very angry.. ahhhhh!!!! bitches.

movies and dramas is pretty what summed up my life the past week. and christmas! and gatherings! and movies!

however, it’s distracting how the dust is piling up at every inch of the house and i’m not doing anything about it. hee! time to put on some rubber gloves huh? and something random, i fetched my dear boy to school today. :) resulting in me wanting to get a copy of Cleo - walking to Esso and realizing that the bloody Cheers dont have any copy - running back to the mart to get another copy -walking back home again. sigh. what a morning! thank goodness for green milo packets and Choco Pies!

*runaway*

.. this week of late night sleepings had disrupted the complexion i had been trying desperately hard to keep in tip-top condition. now, i’m suffering from heavy eyebags that resembles a panda, flaky patchy blemished skin and darn these oil seeds! (at least thats what i think they are) how not to be depressed you tell me?!

.. i’m pleased to announce that i have not been buying clothes for the past two months! a broken record, really. ok lah, not cuz i dont want to spend but i’m too broke after investing in better facial products due to my gulliability. and now i feel like going to get some new moisturiser cuz i suspect it’s my new moisturiser that is making my pores cloggy. sigh, how not to spend money like that? and this is considered a health care, a necessity.. right?

.. i couldnt really get along with her. everything she did, said, just infuriated me more. this is not how sisterhood is suppose to be like. blood is always thicker than water, they say. but so what? does it means anything or just a stupid consoling theory? we all need to grow up, before things get worse.

.. my cousin, who is getting married dropped by with his finance (HAHA, fiancee i mean) to offer joss sticks to our ascendants. and barely stepping in for 5 minutes, they are off in a whiff, leaving behind an unaddressed wedding invitation (quite rude i think) and cake. hmm. cousins huh?

.. Mum got a new job which i think suits her more. she seems happier, i hope this is her turning point for the better. :) she’s happy = i’m happy.

.. i miss you all the same. it’s been a long time since i last write you something; but it doesnt means that there goes a day without me thinking about you. the words are just kept in my heart, unspoken. how do you define yearning in words?

.. i always feel misunderstood. i crave for acceptance, i crave for understanding, i crave for people to remember little good things about me, i crave for people to notice me. but.. how come things always turns out so differently from how you expected it? for once, i wished for predictability.

.. at least, give me a sign? anywhere, even a flutter of leaves, a stirring of the wind? all i have is nothing, nothing. or perhaps i just choose to overlook how fullfilling my life actually can be - if i ever wanted it.

finally, a time to sit down properly in front of the computer without feeling guilty and tremoudously bothered by the growing pile of work stacked up by the window waiting to be done… i’m back into the tests-free world!!!! so yay me.

this week had been extremely horrible, put in an understatement. i’m in utter pieces, scrambling to study at the last few minutes (my fault, my problem, my retribution totally, i should have better discipline and restraint, ’nuff said), scribbling short notes but funnily, they’ll normally end up being the exact copies of my textbook, except shorter cuz i choose to ignore those longer paragraphs. so, duh, dont ask me why i spent enormous amount of time writing non-stop till the blisters have roughen up and my finger bones ached like it’s going to break with a single flex- and still the notes are of not much help at all. i supposed i think that writing and writing will somehow help get those theories and all those shit inside my head but would someone finally just tell me blandly in the face that studying dont work this way so i will stop mugging this way? it’s seriously the least effective studying technique, but i’m still doing that. even after years and years of realizing.

so geez, my fault that i’m just about to fail all of the 4 tests when i know i’m actually studying harder than my first tests? hah. and did i mention that today, into the last day of the tests, and econs results is already out? - want to know how well i fare? - well, read the above sentence :) i think my econs lecturer is crazy, i think he stayed up both nights just to mark our scripts, cuz we just sat for the test on wednesday mind you. scrary. weird. creepy. pervert in this queer way. haha, but he is really nice though. intimidating, but nice. and apart from the fact that i’ve score 9 marks higher since my first test.. i have nothing else to be proud of.

instead, incredibly shameful. yikes. 1 down, 3 more blows to go!

sigh. double sighs. i’m still very bothered by my econs results though i’m definitely not the last on the list.. but i’m still mooning, moaning, crying, depressing all over that puddle of spilled econs milk.

so, i assumed that this is already considered a big, huge ass setback for me and now i should be more motivated to study, like, EVERYDAY till the cows moo home, till earth stops spinning, till singapore starts to snow… yes please. 2 weeks worth of mugging!

and econs aside, i still need to use a paragrahs or two (or a dozen, judging my how depressed this is making me feel) about my maths paper today. i’m absolutely ashamed. the questions doesnt lies in the paper - in fact, the paper is considered remotely easy, copy-and-paste questions from our textbook but guess what? barely 10 minutes into the 2-hour paper, my brain got stuck, the gears stopped running, the engines probably died out or something and my brain nerves disconnected. I AM TOTALLY STUCK. STUCK in a supposedly easy-peasy paper that everyone will pass with colourful flying colours and i will get black and grey. i couldnt be more guilty, horrified at myself and the stupidness of it all. just like that, my mind splutters and died…

:(((((((

i’m such a loser. perhaps, uni really doesnt suits me. i should be working in a office, sitting till my butt gets bigger and my thighs grow fatter. i guessed everyone around me have enough of my ranting over my stupidity that they stopped trying to console me thereafter hahaha.

it’s time to stop and brood, and come out with a solution. it’s time i go out and buy an organiser to organise my disorganised life. it’s time for action and serious strategy to announce that i’m not stupid, but a lazybum. so, please ask me out only if you’re planning to study :))

-

and oh yes, i have dying to catch Twilight!

some good old cutie is exactly what i need to shoo away this nightmare..

i reckon today i’m a happier girl. and why shouldnt i be? it’s a friday!

came home with happy buys: a new cleanser that seems pretty good, and new shampoo and conditioner! - no clothes, believe it or not :)

-

i think i’m having something like a writer’s block, i dont have much to update except for the same old stuff about school - i dont feel like writing about the food i eat, or the bubble teas i sinned over, the lectures and tutorials that seems to drone on forever, the friends i mixed with - i will definitely bore myself to tears. same old, same old. life is still like that. those fears are still trapped inside me. i dont like this kind of life; i’m just pacing and pacing in circles, without any improvement, without any ideas to improve. jealousy and envy seems to be circling around me everytime - i’m sick and tired of all this. crazily, i keep visualizing myself working in an office, earning some money at least, leading a life perhaps not perfect but just borderly satisfactory, that would get me by. at least i will be following procedures of my job scope and not throwing myself at the mercy of those graphs, functions, blah blah blah. all week, i’ve been obsessing over _ + _ = _, it’s rather crazy. indeed, i’m not the studying type.  

i’m such a disappointment. though you didnt exactly say those words, Mum, i know i have let you down again.

oh stupid me.

-

today, i realize how some people can be such turn-offs. they seems rather amazing, well, he seems to be that way. a friend i could rely in those small classes which i cant click much. but a guy who scraped over tiny issues like $1.50? you’re a real turn-off, disgusting.

seems like i need more skills on judging a character!

**i need to learn to grow to like my environment. but some people just sucks dont they.

today is one of the rare days whereby i was alone at home. completely, alone.

these 4 days of so-called holidays blipped by is such a speed that i still think that yesterday must still be friday - cuz i hasnt touched any homework at all. oh god help me. tests is next week - gasp - and i still dont feel anything at all. i’m such a goner, i think. econs is still as confusing as the meaning would allow. complicated graphs and equations flying by with meaningless, colourless explanations. maths is alright, i think, a day of practice should keep me in sync. IBM is like shit. shitshitshit. i remembered flunking the first test - hahaha - and i think this test 2 should not be any different - really confident of me huh?

worried-worried-worried. 7 days to TESTS!…

but here am i, typing, typing, typing. jeez.

he loved me, but he doesnt loved me anymore, and it’s not the end of the world.

was clearing my handphone and found these notes saved under Drafts:

.. these days i dont have the energy, time, nor feelings to blog so here i am, typing these words furiously on my trusty handphone. life is going on in a mundane and very dull manner. everyday, i woke up, rushed to pour hot water over my body, rinse out the bloody expensive shampoo/conditioner out of my hair, clean my teeth till the muscles in my arms ache and throb, hurry to throw some clothes on, and slip a comb through my hair.. it almost feels like work. i missed my work gang, i missed Z. i missed him everyday when the train stops at clementi and i thought about my chances of bumping into him there, since he drop off at this stop too. but everyday, with the people buzzing around, hurrying off to meet datelines, no such luck. perhaps i dont even wanna bump into him anyway.

school is weird. my tutorial friends are pretty sweet and nice, but since most of them are international students, we dont really click outside the classroom. or perhaps i dont try hard enough to. there is this sg guy whom i met during the orientation. we have so far exchanged 2 sentences but i’ve forgotten to introduce myself properly. i guessed he didnt know my name either. i’m still waiting for the chance to say, ‘hi, whats your name?’

for my other friends, they seem to click with their tutorial mates pretty well. i’m kinda jealous and envious, i admit i am.

–

today is one of the biggest day of Da’s life. i should be happy, just like everyone was. all smiles and the frantic rushes to take pictures with beaming faces. but i’m not. i thought of you, wondering if you’re looking from up above, approving, happy.. i miss your prescene dearly here.

–

sometimes, the realization that he is not here anymore still strucks me dry, hit me hard. how can i not miss you? how can i get over this? - never. never never ever.

HAHA, i wonder if one day, when i looked back this post title, would i have remembered this funny dialog between Mum and I?

i desperately need to write something, anything that will empty out the worries running in circles in my head. how is your monday? mine is fine, thank you. filled with funny econs knowledge that came in bits and pieces no less, scattered in parts of my brain, floating in tiny chunks which i find absolutely impossible to understand. should i have told you something newer after a econs lecture? nah, not really; though i have much to say, but they arent supposed to be important enough to grace this very page. i think.

neverthless, i still think that today should be a good day cuz the lady sitting beside me on the bus on my way home alighted at the same stop as me - thus preventing the need to squeeze my fat ass out pass her face or slap her cheek with my big slouchy bag. another reason probably be that i skipped my tutorial and went to catch Four Christmas with Ping just now. ah, not to mention the yummy macnuggets meal that we managed to sneak past the unsuspecting ticket man. (yes, he shall be called ticket man) the movie is lovely by the way, nothing that exciting, but definitely heart-warming enough for me on this warm Monday afternoon. it sure chased away the monday blues!

but i’m kind of sorry for myself cuz i desperately need to catch up on my econs homework for i’m clashing another econs class tomorrow. that is the first reason why i’m sorry for myself. and the other one? would probably be that i had stupidly, foolishly enough to forget to submit my econs sentences yesterday at 11:59pm- the deadline. i’m so crushed. what is my brain for exactly, when i dont remember the simplest things and these stuff only come into memory almost an hour later, at 12:50am when i was happily tucked in my bed, patchy blanket pulled up onto my chin, ready to snuggle into a deep slumber - when my brain finally decides to connect its wires. damn damn damnnnnned. i’m so angry that i’m hardly sorry now.

wait.. i think i got another reason(s) why the sorries are never ending.

1. i’m uberly broke all thanks to the bus fare. what, $30 a week are you kidding me?
2. i hate someone getting something that i want.
3. christmas is coming. - joy, fun, laughter. but how come i dont feel anticipative?
4. indeed, i’m so hard to love.
5. school is killing me. i dont know how i should help myself. drop out?
6. freaking korean drama. i was happily drowning myself into these new series yesterday and guess what? just when the couple are happily planning to get married (after much much obstacles, mind you), the guy contracted a brain illness. what the heck? i’m chasing for a happy ending which wont come. come on, this world is sad enough, and the unreality world have to be almost as bad. seriously, i have enough of unhappy-endings. please, please dont die.

7. i miss you, you and you. it always feels like the people i loved, always walk away. dont leave me here, stuck in my hysterical world.

so i took a whole good hour to compile all my posts together. - reason i am feeling so giddy now.. my skin is in a terrible pain right now; red, raw, irritated and peeling. so dry that it feels like it’s cracking. imagine, on top of this, the phlegm in my throat is still there, i had diarrhoea three days in a row, and now, this skin irritation. le sigh.

anyway, tonight is the first night of Ma’s Genting trip. i hope all is well and that everyone will enjoy this weekend! boy, i wish i can tag along.

somehow, i must keep reminding myself not to be to taken by the recent re-appearance of him. we are now two very different people, living two completely separated lives. dont let memories engulfed you - he is not even a friend anymore. he probably wouldnt remember.

right?

25/11/2008, it’s amazing how fast time seems to run and how i would always, always lost track of time somewhere in the middle. it feels like i’ve forgotten the need to remember the dates. perhaps, i dont even want to know?

i decided to skip school today, only a 2-hour study skills lecture which so far had proved to be a total waste of time. the phlegm in my throat still wouldnt be puke out or go away. i woke up in a spluttering cough and i couldnt even swallowed hard. i would be studying my econs now if not for my dear brother hogging on to his beloved one-day-old PS3 in my room.

and oh yes, i cut my hair yesterday. before that, i can hardly remembered when was the last time i had chopped my hair. during january maybe..? oh the horror. anyway the hairdresser was my mum’s friend, someone who i had let cut my hair a couple of time over these years - and though i never really like the results of her hair-chopping, i decided to tag along for the haircut anyway cuz i dont fancy going to unknown hair salons and then, coming out with hair that couldnt get any weirder - after a wash especially. dont you guys realized that the hair that we walked out the salons with our heads becomes uh, different right after we went home to wash it? it is still a mystery to this day, i never knew why. .. and my hair is all light and swishy (not in a delightful hair-commercial way) but i reckon (imitating my caucasian lecturer) that the AFTER picture should be better than the BEFORE. hee.

in need for a good spine-tingling thriller? Preston and Child never fails me. :) and right now, Child’s Death Match is sitting opened in my lap!

p.s.Ma is out on a job search. please please wish her best of luck!

sigh-ed. you’re still in my mind. how can this be..? two years and counting. perhaps more. i lost track of count. i still miss you. do i really? boy, i must be terribly lonely to even be thinking this.

love yourself more, when there’s nobody to love you.

this place seems so foreign now. i could simply just forget how this blog of mine looks like!

was browsing through my entires a few seconds ago and guess what? i can really copy-and-paste an entire chunk of sentences to show you how my life still stops at that particular moment, unchanged.

it feels like ages since i entered in the link of this journal. life, is very mundane. it’s all about school, friends and family. whether i have time to gobble down breakfast, what to have for lunch, if i want to stay back in school to study with the gang, if i can find a seat on the train, if i can still pay my citibank card bills with my allowance, why-am i-still-shopping thoughts, meeting Jas, trying to mug 4 hours a day, trying to restrict my spending yada yada. and on yes, worrying about those oil seeds popping up my face. :(

life is still the same, funny how i thought perhaps a break would do me good. i will come back with surprises, happy thoughts, bright smile, cheerful words… but things seems to be where i had left off. i still worry about the same stuff everyday. i still spent like crazy, i’m still terribly broke, i’m flunking my tests all over the place, i still have trouble mixing around, i still struggle with meeting deadlines for my bills payments. sucks or what? but i still believe, right round a corner, lies my happiness, where i will slowly find a way back to myself.

perhaps the only main difference is.. i’m just recovering from a very bad cough/sore throat/flu. gah.

-

it feels like manymanymany years since our story fell apart with an unhappily after, yet at the same time, it feels just like yesterday. silly, i still remember your face, how your skin feels under my fingertips, how i used those very hands to run through your spiky hair, caress your face, kiss those very lips. they say you’ll never forget your first love. perhaps there’s really some truth to it. i never did forget, you’re just buried at the back of my mind, at the bottom of my heart, behind a locked door.

saw your pictures tonight, perhaps it’s your motive, or simply just a purely innocent concidence, i dont know. i probably shouldnt care, i probably shouldnt even asked to take a look at your photos. but i couldnt resist, i just looked anyway. - you looked good, great even. happy faces, smooth skin, tall muscular body, cheeky grin; you look like someone worth a second look. i was mesmerized, i was awestruck. i knew it was a mistake choosing to look at the you now. somehow, it makes me feel even more depressed. silly yes? you bastard.

now now.. dont get me wrong. i’m just ranting. :) but i know for somewhat, the reason why i still kept all your numbers regardless all these while, that i’m still the fool i am back then. - i hasnt changed. not as much as you’ve changed anyway.

now, where’s the kiddy boy i’ve remembered?

p.s. please let Ma find a job of her liking soon :(

Dear Diary, it been a couple of weeks since i write anything.

i’ve finally reboot my hp notebook after 3 months and now, am blogging from it. everyone is out thus far, which leaves me and my Pokka green tea and a whole bunch of assignments to be done. i feel helpless from the load, i feel sick cuz i’m broke, i feel terribly guilty when my citibank bill arrived - credit cards are sinners. it makes you sinned, and i fell for it. broke, broke, brokeeee!

i’m still unhappy about some stuff in school. is it me..?

no holidays till 6 months later, and no, 2 weeks in december dont count. haha.

KEEP GOING!

hopefully, i will blog more often now.

Dear Diary,

it had been an extremely brain-draining, mind-wrecking week. Pa’s first year anniversary fell on the 12th of october, which we had the rituals and everything done on a sunday and Ma says, now he is finally together with Grandma and Grandpa. it seems like i’m feeling sadder and sadder day by day. i cant forget. it’s too hard, too painful, it still is. nobody probably care enough, though consoling words is what i had heard enough. even J dont understand, he just laugh it off. perhaps he is trying to liven up the mood, to make me feel better. but of all people, i seek more consolence from him. i thought that him, of all people should understand. him, of all people should know what i need arent those words i heard everyday. him, of all people to hear me rant and allow me to. i guess, as we grow up, people who we always thought will stay the same, will always be there  - wont be there forever afterall. nothing last forever is the truest fact in history.

…

we finally finished our test this wednesday, and our econs’ results was out yesterday. a pathetic 8% was what i achieved for desperately mugging for the last few hours of the sunday. i did study econs on a normal days, but quantity doesnt always mean quality, so i guessed i have alot to catch up on making a strategic plan to study better in a short amount of time. i need progress, progress, progress! studying with the gang always doesnt seems productive, so recently, i’ve been heading off early to mug alone at Macs or BK. peace seems to find me only then. i like being alone sometimes, cos i realized how easily i can be influence by my peers. i’m not too fond of that side of me either, believe me.

caught Eagle Eye last week cos concidentally, i bumped into Pei and her friend at the bus stop. so together, we went to Starbucks where i met this crazy asshole who cheated me of my 2 bucks (which i can use to buy french fries ok), and amazingly (!!!!) i finished the tall Java Chips i’ve ordered. Java Chip is the love of my life. yum! afterwhich, we went to catch the movie which was rather A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! <3 another must-watch!

damn broke for words, rawr. lots of things to scribble, another day perhaps.

my favourite song this week. on repeat mode, yeah:

当你决定你要离开我
我没有说什么
就当作你自由
有好几次我都想挽留
哭求也没有用
就当作是寂寞
因为我能明白他的温柔对你是种解脱
就坦白告诉我谁是你的最爱
其实你很爱他对我的惩罚
说你没有想他是可怜我吧
我已没有借口只能放手
不敢奢求你说爱我
其实你很爱他他很温柔吗
其实你很想他就说出口吧
我已不想多说捂朵
不想再次听到你说你很爱他

you know, i really dont wish to hate school, hate the people i have to force myself to hangout with, blindly everyday. i wanted to be well-liked and be able to like them in return. though many a time, i do enjoy our lunches, talks and discussions over homework, there are still those moments when i feel left out. and you, being my closest friend, even preferred them to me. i dont know why. this hurts you know, i feel terrible, confused, abandoned, helpless and i feel like crying all the same.

i really dont feel like mixing with you anymore. everytime with you, it always feels like you’re the copycat, but other people will just think that i am the one - childish yes?

i need some new friends.

-

sometimes even i scare myself. how can i be so evil at times, whenever i’m frustrated or angry, sad or depressed, or am i simply just being evil and mean for the sake of it? tonight, i shuddered at how twisted i can actually be. am i the only crazy one here?

-

today was spent rushing around with a plastic bag of 6-inch thick of IBM notes. i sweared this subject is certainly going to be one which i would come to dread. the lecturer was cranky and mad for one.

-

freaking tiring day. needless to say, i kind of regret watching 4Bia last week. those gross creepy movie scenes keep flashing into my mind whenever i got up at 5am to bath in the kitchen toilet. i cant even close my eyes without fearing that something would pop up once i re-opened them! and i too, was afraid last night when i was lying on the bed trying to get some sleep, i ended up being awake by 328am. but for those who love horrors, 4Bia is a must-watch!

-

today is a happy, contented night. what an evening ended up rather great. i loved chatting up with my poly friends, i loved catching up with things i never knew. it’s weird; how can i be laughing over matters like, finally knowing that they’re making fun of my hair behind my back at that one particular time, or how honest everyone is being suddenly. i missed talking like that, without a care in the world. somehow, though that’s a mix of hurt when realization strucks, but the it’s the honesty that i valued.

1. i deserved to be smack on the head for not studying today. *smack smack self*

2. i’m still buying 101 number of stuff and someone please stop me! okay, i will be forced to stop soon anyway cos i’m now self-declared broke. SOB.

3. yayyyyyy retail therapy is my short-term source of happiness.

4. i’m so dead tomorrow.

5. my tummy is feeling so much better but now my nose has suddenly decided to leak since early afternoon. ARGH tissues!

6. i suddenly decide that i like blogging again.

7. i have a whole stack of Business Times sitting on my desk. Business Times is soooooooooooo utterly boring. the most boring newspaper EVER. hohohoho. quoting from Nageb, our IBM teacher, "you dont read newspaper, you DIE."

8. i want more money T_T

9. 2nd uncle just dropped by with ah ma’s mui cai and chicken!!!!! i love my ah ma’s cooking!!!!!

10. okay, stupid nose stop leaking now!!!!

11. did i mention that Jas bought me the belt i want but too broke to? HEE.

12. on friday, i went to Pei’s house at 10pm to watch The X Files and half of Definitely Maybe. i want to finish watching Definitely Maybe!!!

13. many many many movies i want to watch.

14. xavier baby’s voice sounded so cute on the phone.

15. if being happy will make you happy, then thats all what i wanna be. forever.

16. (:

sunday afternoon; i should be busy, studiously mugging for my econs, which i have both a lecture and tutorial tomorrow. i should be readying myself to tackle all the questions that he will be shooting at me. i should be trying, striving, struggle, till i can no longer. but i’m feeling naseous, and not well at all.

i dreamt of Pa yesterday, because i asked him to give me one last night.

he was boarding the bus that Ma and I were both on, wearing his checkered blue shirt and black trousers. he lifted his head up, looked at us, and smiled. and then, he sat in front of us. i didnt know why we didnt talk to him. as the bus moved along, it arrived to this stop. Pa got up, turned to say: "Goodbye." , and he alighted the bus.

goodbye, what a word of finality.

Ma said that it was his way of telling us that he is good now, up in heaven.

this was last night.

just sometime this week, a few days ago, i dreamt about him again:

Pa was lying on his bed, at home and Ma is using a cloth to wipe his face. and then, a tear rolled down his cheek.

2 dreams in a week. Pa, would you give me somemore? i will never have enough.

-

i should go and mug, so that perhaps then i will be one step closer to my goal to make you proud.

it feels like ages since i entered in the link of this journal. life, is very mundane. it’s all about school, friends and family. whether i have time to gobble down breakfast, what to have for lunch, if i want to stay back in school to study with the gang, if i can find a seat on the train, if i can still pay my citibank card bills with my allowance, why-am i-still-shopping thoughts, meeting Jas, trying to mug 4 hours a day, trying to restrict my spending yada yada. and on yes, worrying about those oil seeds popping up my face. :(

basic stuff. boring stuff.

but i like how life is now. bland, easy, maybe easier to pass. maybe cos i got a goal now. i have something that i need to achieve.

but the ache had never really go away. not for a moment.

another week, it’s going to be a year. what a fast year. what a complicated year.

time, please stop.

The winner takes it all.