i could still remember the very first day where we met, i was in a white v-neck fox tee and blue jeans, Da’s Kipling orange monkey bag slung across one shoulder. i was nervous, which grew to exasperation cos you were so quiet and i was the one struggling with the small talk. i remembered saying irritably, ‘why are you soooo quiet?‘

those words fell out of my mouth before i could stop myself.

and today, almost four years later, our friendship seems to be very serene. we go out, we hang out when situation allows us, we had lunched, went shopping, gossiped, talked, shared our views, laughed - very normal things that friends do together. but i realized things arent the same as it was years back. these days, the silence that hung around us seemed to be the very staple of our friendship. to us, silence is the thing to hang around after a few sentences. perhaps i dont know how i can talk to you anymore. there are many many things about me, my life, my problems, my thoughts that i would love to share with you. however, i couldnt. i dont feel that intimate with you anymore. the intimacy and cosiness that once surrounds us isnt there anymore. i cant imagine myself shrieking and squealing while happily hooking my arm into the crook of yours. - like i used to do.

funny how things changes. i do miss the old pair of us, very much. nevertheless, i know that change is a constant part of us, and there’s nothing much that i can do to bring us back to the closeness that we’ve once felt.

i do get angry, when i felt neglected by you. today, this feeling almost overwhelmed me, choking me with unhappiness and jealousy. but it subsides soon after, cos at the end of the day, i would still like to be at peace with myself. no point, i think, on second thoughts, you still arent worth that much.

wednesday, we had boring stats in the morning and i ate all sorts of heaty food imagined. and here i am, wondering why the hell my throat hurts so much. let’s see - the hashbrown in the morning cos i was starving, Shilin’s xo fried chicken and tempura with Ping in the afternoon for lunch, and later, Jas treat me to Famous Amos’ No Nuts cookies in the evening. and yesterday Ma and i finished off the can of Tom and Jerry chips!!! *guilty look*

ugh, i’ve just popped in a strepsil and drank lemon honey just now, i hoped i wont be nursing a sore throat tomorrow! and in the midst of all.. i’ve decided not to be a lazybum and slathered on an aspirin mask.

shopping in the afternoon, and as usual the price tags dont agree with me. too many things we girls always want - even those we might not even wear - and there’s too little money to go around. i’m dead broke, i officially declared today. besides the fact that i’ve decided on getting the bi-weekly lens of $260 for half a year, i have citibank card bills to clear, daily transport and expenses to think about. and the contact lens solution and protein tablets that i will be buying to take extra good care of my lens.. and my facial products, my weekly/monthly indulgences, my library overdue fines, my hair treatment.. the list can continue till the next ten entries if i have the time to type them out, ha.

go on, say serve me right for not saving up when i have a steady flow of income. while people fret about getting good results, i fret both on results and money. sometimes, i just couldnt help wishing that i’m richer.

.. on a sad side note, my epilator is not here yet >:(

** three more days, and it would be your birthday. i still miss you like crazy, Pa. i am carrying your calculator in my bag. somehow, i’m feeling happy knowing that its yours. perhaps i’m still trying to grab hold of you, or if not, anything close.. i know i still am.

how’s life in heaven?

g’night, Pa.

back from study skills lecture, macs fillet-o-fish lunch, eye check-up, and some window shopping. lecture is b-o-r-i-n-g.

it’s a happy bubbly day, but i’m just confused over my eye check-up. should i go back to bi-weekly lens or stick to my daily trusty ones?

dilemmaaaaaaaaaaa.

and the optician’s wise words arent exactly helping. boohoowoo. however, i’m thankful to hear that my eyes condition are under control, and that my parcel is not lost, but just sent back to the person. :) still blessed, probably!

and yes, happy chinese birthday to me :) Ma, thank you for the egg mee sua this morning <33

p.s. i’m craving for POPEYE’S!!!!

p.s.s. yay shopping tomorrow, hehehe. town here i come!

weekends practically flew before i can grasp some relaxing moments. i’m not happy with the new tutorials arrangement, i’m scared of meeting new people of different countries, i’m irritated by the awkward silence that follows once i stop talking. i hate it that i’m trying to engage everybody in a conversation but nobody else makes the effort to continue it. it’s very very frustrating. why is it that the people i have to mix with are all like that?

perhaps i am the problem, huh.

tomorrow is another week, another stream of lectures that i must ace in. i’m thinking lots of study sessions by myself soon. i’m suddenly feeling troubled. but no point in dreading. tomorrow is coming soon. in another two weeks’ time, it will be my birthday and Da’s engagement party. should i feel excited? confused is more like it. but it’s something joyous isnt it? i want to be a control freak. but look at my messy bedroom, my unmade bed, our house piled with stuff everywhere, my lump of bags and clothes on the floor and on the bed. i’m not getting anywhere near. i’m sick of meeting and carry on friendships with people who arent worth the time. my life is in a mess, as usual. i’m going to the library more than usual, returning books when i had barely finished it. life is very very weird. i feel like i’m living another person’s life.

ok, enough ranting, get to sleep.

for some reasons, i still very much prefer this little space of mine.

school’s been so-so so far, just into the fourth day of mixing around this multi-racial group. we had uncooked chicken chop lunch at MegaBites Cafe, where they used this Mache/Villa’ge card-chopping system to pay for our food. one card cost $25 if you lost it! the food looks great, but the taste… ha. i rather enjoy meeting new people, so i guess everything is fine. econs class today again - boorrring. i spent $50 on two pair of shorts and a bag, please kill me. i need sleep soon - 5am wake-up call again tomorrow!

3 more days till the weekends. boo-hoo :)

hmm what to wear what to wear now.

it’s wednesday and i’ve just pop in an anti-biotic pill. for some reason, i’m counting the days off this week. monday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday - .. and then, it’s going to be friday. and then, the weekends will roll around with me sleeping most of it away and a fresh new week will start. only that it wasnt really that fresh cos the same old routine would start unfolding itself again.

my heart is aching.. sigh why is this so hard could someone tell me.

ignore and do the right thing. but the right thing is always the hardest.

it’s a happy day, except that paperwork is totally starting to bore me. half to death. many a time, i found myself twirling in circles on my chair and gazing outside my window instead of doing what i was paid six per hour for. it’s a struggle, really.

tuesday going on wednesday, and i realized my feelings for this boy seems to be going in circles. i was laughing too much that i actually wanna cry, and i was too, enjoying myself rather too much. this, is also a struggle, a struggle to keep unnecessary emotions from overflowing. i knew i would be the one hurt in the end, no matter what the outcome turns out to be, and that is really the last thing i wanted to happen. but feelings and feelings, emotions are emotions, and you cant just say, ‘i will feel this way’ and then, everything will follow suit. or cant you? could someone teach me please.

-

is this the path that i’m really going to take in august? i feel like i’m standing at a crossroad. i feel empty. i feel confused. i feel.. scared. i feel lonely. till when will i have enough courage to face up to my decisions?

it’s like,

i have decided i’m no longer going to carry on this stupid and silly infatuation. to him, i’m just a naive and small girl who doesnt thinks. haven i long decided in the previous posts? then why this pain? i’m just not strong enough, i never was. it’s all talk and no action.

i have decided to go into this course, since it seems like god is giving me another chance, a chance to undo a mistake, a chance to start anew, a chance to give me more hope, a chance to achieve what i want. but i’m having doubts on my capabilites, i dont trust myself. and all thanks to all those remarks and comments given by my lovely colleagues, i could feel myself withdrawing, wanting to take the sweet handed out to me but being hesitant, being afraid.

i just need some strength. to be strong enough to walk through these remaining two months. thats all i’m asking for. i want to be able to have peace with myself at last.

; love is giving a person the power to hurt you.. but trusting him not to.

today is monday, 2nd june and omg omg, it’s june already could you believe!

another 28 days, and 1/2 a year would have just slipped under our noses, and we wouldnt even notice it. this is reality, it’s so scary sometimes isnt it. if someone would to ask me, what have i accomplished for these 6 months.. seriously, i’m not able to think of an answer to defend myself that i wasnt slacking. these past year has been a blur. i cant keep track of what i always seem to be doing, be it mugging hard for exams during the first two months, contracting that awful chicken pox, spending a dull, sullen new year filled with movies and junkfood, which causes the first breakout a week later. now, i’m nursing the second breakout. (speaking of which, it was so bad that i’m feeling so terribly depressed and i even proceed to start eating my anti-biotics again.) - sigh. haven i been doing anything fruitful and worth putting down in colourful words? even graduation seem so faraway, and work at LS seems so so distant. i have alot of misses, plenty of uncountable ones but it was all thoughts and voice but no action. no effort in meeting up, or replying to texts nor simply keeping in touch with ‘how are yous’, ‘oh i miss yous’. mostly what i’m best at doing is to whine and simply sit there doing absolutely nothing about it, except to rant, to kick up some fuss to anyone who would listen at the moment. it’s pathetic, really.

and i am so so broke right now that i feel it’ve been a really bad day though i laughed so much till i choked on my distilled water today, and he had to pat on my back mulitple times to get my windpipe clear again.

; i cant believe Father Day’s coming soon, i just cant.

monday, i swear, it’s going to be a much much better day.

gone will be the days i turned away, disappointed, envious, jealous, unhappy, upset, angry.

i will be perky, cheerful, smiley and laughing all the way.

heh, well, hope that would really happen or make that a very sulky me. :)

p.s. i’m just dying for some good fruitful shopping! sigh, and my complexion still sucks. the green mask and apirin didnt help much *pout*

but, to the hell with it!

.
.
.

.. as if.

many times a night, i will wonder alot of things. wonder how such things can take a turn and end up this way. wonder how at one point of time, couldnt i have done something to salvage it, or at least, try to do something, say something? but most of the time, i just choose to ignore this thorn jabbing into my back, just let it be.

for some reason or so, this time round, i want to do something, salvage something, change something. i dont want another wave of regrets and longing to hit me later. but yet, i know i shouldnt move forward in this, i shouldnt change anything though i badly want to. i guessed, i’m being afraid of the outcome, i’m a coward, i’m just a coward.

i hate the way i have to be all the time, being so guarded everytime i speak to you, i cant show you the most inner part of me, i have to pull the cover on and hide, just so you wouldnt know.

hello there,
it’s the night again.
everytime at this hour, you would be under your covers, in your sweet slumber.
what are you dreaming of right now?

i cant help, but want to know, do i have a place in your heart, if not just one tiny corner.

.. but i guess, not.

one step away, baby steps. i will get through this. i have more important things to achieve and look forward to, i tell myself.

ROAR, he’s really irritating tonight. dont remind me why i’m crushing on this kind of person. i got the lousiest taste in the world. bloody hell, i should have better taste, really.

this week is breakout week - i’m having some spots and bumps on my chin area argh argh argh! the ulcer in my mouth that just healed and the spot on my eyes must be the beginnings of the hint that i’m, in fact, pretty heaty. plus i seriously think that i’m deprieved of water despite KH’s smses crammed with please-drink-water-reminders that came almost thrice a day. sigh, i need to force feed myself at least two bottles of water a day okay! from errr, tomorrow onwards. yeah yeah, rightttt.

it’s feels rather great to be back to work and the yummy curry puffs that one of the perm staff always bought us every friday was the highlight. and today we got free m&m cookies and cranberry shortcake biscuits too! omg, i just realized, they are all sources of heatiness! i love fridays, except i dont actually like casual-clothes day cos i got limited casual clothes to wear.

-

it’s strange how a somewhat amazing day (filled with talks, rumbles, jokes and laughter with him) could end so disappointedly. but right now, it feels somewhat better, for which i’m glad.

i thought alot just now, when i was at WS library flipping through the rows and rows of books, i thought about this speedy friendship, about how it had progressed ever since day 1, when i first sat beside him in the waiting area, or when we sat together again in the meeting room, how well we clicked over random first-meeting chats. i guessed it wasnt surprising, he just click well with everybody, not just me. to him, i was just another person who he can make fun of and bully. we did talk more today, and i finally bought that question bouncing in my head for weeks out. the answer surprises me, and i almost could feel my heart dropping to the ground. but what was i expecting exactly? what was i hoping for?

all i know is, our barely two-months neutral friendship can never compete with a 3 years long relationship.

it is simply a crush, i’m telling myself. a spark of interest flaming inside my heart. and it’s time this spark spluttered and died. from now on, i will take this friendship lightly, i will just enjoy the company, the advices, the mockings, the teasings, the jokes easily. just enjoy and be neutral. that will be painful, but i will live, wont i? :)

as usual, what doesnt kills me, will make me stronger.

this is just a summer crush, with one outcome: i will be the one walking away.

and when i’m depressed, i shopped. this explains the depleting bank account at the moment. sigh, and i need to fatten it up.

right now, it just seems to me that i’m the one attracting all these loathesome problems onto myself. i’m at fault, i’m at fault. i should make myself immune to crushes, you know.

you know what hurts the most? it’s when you want something but it can never be yours. HAHAHAHA, oh my, what exactly do i want now?

i can never be satisfied nor contented, life’s annoying like that.

how i wish i can just chuck these feelings away, i dont want it at all. cos as i had said before, he’s not the kind of guy i would have like. but well well well..

sigh, why these damn things always keep happening?!

okay, just walk away. :)

i’m still thinking if i should delete the last draft or should i just publish it.

1. the three of us went down to SIM today for the briefing/interview. it turns out rather great, except that the fees are slightly steeper than we first thought. the lecturers were great :D i would most likely take this offer but then again, there are still some doubts flying around in circles.

- i wont be able to work part-time as planned
- i will have to work REALLY HARD, like a starved dog. seriously.
- i have to save loads of money from today onwards. no more buying clothes :( and it’s the GSS right now shit.
- i will have to go for classes from monday to friday, and reached by 825AM sharp. everyday.

2. uni matters aside, today is also a happy day cos someone called me 3 times :)

he even asked about the course and all that, and it might not mean anything, but it shows something at least doesnt it. (someone poke me awake pls!)

3. we have LJS for lunch and the $5.10 meal really makes me wanna puke.

4. shopping after that! sigh, the biggest shame of all. but i bought a cardigan thats all =x the painful thing was, not able to buy whatever thing that caught your eyes! could you imagine me with no income? i cant, really. :(

5. i need to stop having false hopes. some things just wont work out simply by wishing and hoping. it’s so damn pointless. and what gets you at the end? only disappointment.

heartache, this is how it feels like.

dilemma, like a never-ending wave crashing into your brain.

jealousy and envy, both evil green monsters muddling with your conscience, your feelings.

i’m struggling, struggling to keep them all under control. my heart is twisting, so heavy, and maybe i will feel better if i can cry it all out.

you know what i’m wishing now? that i can say all these unspoken words to you, just to let you know, how i feel for you.

i badly need to tweeze my eyebrows!

it’s 1044pm and i’ve just woke up a while ago and i completely overwhelmed by how tired my whole body feels. on the mrt, i sank gratefully into a miracle seat, and the moment my butt touched the plastic, my eyes slammed closed and i surrendered myself into the deepest sleep in weeks. and when i came home, i ignored the chicken rice dinner and crawled above my covers and lost myself in dizziness. i was completely knocked out. i’ve just ate my dinner and i couldnt finished it.

today ia a weird day, with alot of things scanning through my mind. like usual, he came over to sit beside me, and we talked. we talked about nonsense, this and that, and about his girlfriend. just a teeny bit. the more i know, the more i wanted to close my eyes and pretend i’m hearing nothing. they seems like the most perfect match. the smart versus the smart. what can i say? all i knew was that, it hurts, even if it’s a tiny prick at the heart, it still hurts. alot of times i did wonder, what exactly drew him to me. he wasnt that good-looking, just your normal average guy next door, those kind that you can just lost sight of in the streets, and you just cant remember his looks at the first glance. i supposed what attracts me was his sense of stability, the way i feel that i can always depend of him and he will never let me down, he have the answers to everything and he gives opinions honestly, easily and he is humourous, he cracks me up. of course there is more, like example, i like his hands. it’s super weird, but i just do. i’ve never noticed guys’ hands before. but with him, i just do. probably, it was the vibes of reliability that i was constantly looking for. one who would catch me before i fall, or better yet, fall with me. however, he is probably not the right guy for me, who am i kidding. i should just pretend that he’s just a passer-by in my life, and in fact, that was all he really is.

-

i was speaking much more to J recently, and yesternight’s chat with him was awesome. what more could i have ask for? he made me laughed, he made me smiled, he made me missed. he is almost fantastic. well, almost.

i’m still looking for the chance. would you give me one, god?

-

been ultra busy with work, there’s this long list of to-do list tacked in my brain. endless paperwork and more paperwork. sigh! is this what admin is all about. is this what my life will end with, i couldnt help but think. i’m so busy these days that i forgot what it used to feel like, slacked and carefree. now, i got deadlines to meet, hundreds of letters to type, print, sign, fold, slot, glue and send. oh mercy! my table is a major mess, comparable with my bed at the moment. i just couldnt see a single square of my bedsheet! or my table top.

you know, i’m actually not that stupid as those people currently think i am. sometimes, i find myself automatically switching to pretense mode. like i’ve said, it’s a natural reaction. it’s better acting ignorant isnt it? and oh yes, he mentioned that i’m actually very scheming right?

haha, not scheming, just guarded, i supposed.

i was real angry today; i realized i seriously cannot tolerate immature people, especially those who doesnt act like their age. of course, there are times to act childish and play around BUT you try doing that when i’m at my busiest and screaming is what you get from me. how many times do you want me to tell you that you’re childish? the sight of you irks me now.

-

i’m tired, i looked tired and i feel tired. it’s getting old. i do wonder, what is life all about exactly? what is god trying to teach us?

and will i ever learn.

life is weird. i’m feeling just a teeny bit sulky right now. how could it happened when just a while ago i was flying through the clouds, with the world under my feet?

i realized i have alot of expectations on myself, just that i had never meet them properly.

it had been a while since i write about you, Pa.

nothing seems to change, yet everything had. how could time had passed so fast without your existence, i wonder? i miss you dearly, miss you like it was like the first day. the first day when i knew what hell really meant. how can i ever laugh when you’re never coming home again? now that i thought about it, i really wondered. wonder how things which i had deemed as impossible started being the exact opposite? are humans like this, meant to adapt quickly to whatever situation or environment just as long as the clock never stops? i hate to think that i’m laughing through my life while you’re not here to share those ridiculous jokes with me. i know you would have laughed, you would wont you?

and i hate to think that everything is continuously changing, without you here, witnessing it, feeling it, being in it.

.. Pa, you would have been happy for me today wont you? i hope i didnt disappoint you, i hope i had done you proud.

let’s just say perky morning :)

but in actual fact, i’m feeling anything but that. my eyes is blinking dry, and i just feel so so so tired. i didnt have a good sleep last night and today just dont feel very uh, graduation-y. oh, it’s graduation! again, i’m feeling anything but that.

i’m all butterflies right now, feeling the jitters of excitement and nervousness. i hate feeling this way. i hate not being in control of my emotions. but i just cant push back these feelings and say. ‘no, it doesnt bothers me.’ it did, and i’m so so nervous. nervous about meeting my classmates for what seem like the longest time, nervous that my mum, aunt and cousins would be bored to death, nervous about not taking enough pictures, nervous about tripping on my feet when i went up the stage to collect the folder. sigh!

UPDATE:

i’m back and no, i did not tripped over my own feet while my heels clacked over the red carpet, in case you’re wondering. in fact, today is one of the sweetest day ever and i’m sure im gonna be missing it over the long run. i love today! the robe turned out rather nice and i loved the photos that i took with Mum, and my friends. :) fish and co dinner of seafood platter which i shared with Ping was rather gross at the end, but i enjoyed the kola tonic. next outing? boy, i cant wait :)

and i’m incredibly touched that Mum and Jes came down, even if it’s only for a short while. loveeee. Pa, did you see me on stage today? somehow, i got this feeling that you were there. arent you?

today made me realized alot of things. it made me understand that i do have alot of choices actually. why bother sulking over one particular person who will just be a waste of time and feelings in the end while i do have the choice to turn my attentions to someone who is always so awfully lovely to me. aw, i like this feeling. i like smiling over at you when our eyes met, i like standing beside you, looking up and seeing you grinning down at me. i love your smile.

i’ve been struggling my feelings for you for the longest time and each time, when i backtracked, my eyes will be filled with more visions of you.

do you still remember the day. the day when you typed me the longest and sweetest message ever and told me, i like you.

SHOUTOUT: HEH, I’M FINALLY AND OFFICIALLY OUT!

tomorrow is graduation day! okay, it’s officially here today. *switch to happy mode*

firstly, i’m feeling broke today, all thanks to the last-minute rush to buy a suitable top for the ceremony later on in the afternoon. the things was, i came home, thinking that i got a few tops to try and perhaps one must be appropriate, but no, it all look out of place and so wrong. one looks too baggy on me, one too dark, and the other had holes where a belt should be at (but wearing with the belt looks all weird!!) — thus, i had no choice but to pull back on my work clothes, grabbed my wallet and phone and rushed for the door. i reached TM at 830pm :), dropped by Zimple and came out with a brand new hot pink bag.. and a big hole in my pocket! le sigh. just for a freaking one-hour ceremony, i had to swipe my NETS card. :( but well, i love that top hehehe.

seriously, i hope tomorrow will be one damn good day.

i dont know what am i thinking, acting and feeling like the biggest idiot in the history. it shouldnt be this way. what seems like a long time since i had developed this kind of feelings on someone who isnt worth it. yes, who isnt worth it at all. he dont deserve me acting so moody and angry just cos of a subtle remark, a bark of laughter over sensitive issues, and then me, glaring and laughing at the same time, trying to defend myself.. but to no avail. he always wins. i know he is smart, i know that his brain rotates and turn so much faster than mine, i know i’m rather intelligently-challenged, i know he is always out-smarting me. i know he will always have the solutions, always know the right words to say to tickle my laugh genes, and he knew my weaknesses.

another word for it, this is totally and simply ridiculous. just stop it all, and i’m backing away. i deserve much better, i think.

.. but i dont know why. whenever i hear him laughing at me, i got a happy flutter inside. hmm, you’re right. i got to be sick in the mind!

i’m not one of those people who are used to compliments, praises, i’m not. it just kind of feel awkward and all wrong, not to mention hesitating when people sing me a praise, pat me on the back, or flash me a “thumbs-up” smile. it always make me think, ‘they couldnt be joking could they?”. they’re actually sending me some hidden meaning, right?

i found myself yearning for more compliments showering my way, more surprised glints flashing through eyes, more ‘well done, great job!’. i guessed, this is just a humane feeling. we just want to please. oh well, i think i’m just more guarded than other people. it’s just like a self-defense ticker, a firewall or an alarm clock.

tonight, i did take the initiative.

becos his nick is referring to mine. but hello, he did not replied back. what he is playing at, i seriously cannot understand. he simply baffles me, end of story. i did try, i already tried. but it just seems that this time round, i’m just wasting my time.

right now, i’m reading a book i’ve just borrowed from WS library. Second Helpings, the cover read. i hope it will be nice.

sigh, i still cant get over the fact that his nick is absolutely pin-pointing at mine but he’s still not talking to me. i think he is driving me insane, driving me into all those stupid kinds of acts i only used to see teenagers doing. now, i found it in me too. talk about being stupid.

tomorrow is going to be a family-gathering-day! that’s rather nice, isnt it? i forsee lots of yummy food and happy laughter. i need a heavydose of those now. i need to be happy. i need to start pulling myself up again. i need to forget all these nagging feelings of distress snaking around my heart.

*

i hate being green. i hate feeling green. i hate people being one step ahead of me. it’s a sickening feeling. but rather than being sulky about it now, the most important thing i should be be doing instead is to – plan. i need to salvage something, do something. what’s the point of sulking over spilled milk? run, just run faster, and you will soon catch up.

it’s a sunday, but here am i, at home, chewing a mars bar, licking off my leftover McFlurry, carrying Second Helpings everywhere i go. i plucked a few stray eyebrows hair, trimmed my fringe, and ah it seems like my sunday was rather awesome actually :) some thinking-over done!

once bitten, twice shy. make that twice bitten.

i had Subway just the other day, on the cold friday afternoon, with my colleagues. it was my first time trying the sandwiches, other than the yummylicious cookies. everyone had been cooing to me how nice Subway is but i beg to differ. okay, i liked the bread, crispy wheat was what i opted for. and then, i asked for turkey breast and nothing else. no prickles, no lettuce, no gross tomatoes. it was plainer than plain, compared to what my colleagues had. when i was telling the Subway girl that i will not have any toppings inside, as i’ve expected, she gave me the "You are weird" look. i should have gotten used to such looks by now!

haha, and so i didnt really enjoyed my first full meal at Subway. but of cos, i dont mind giving it a second chance. and the cookies rather rocks.

subway, anyone?

.. hmm, i missed having soft silky shiny hair.

you said i must try taking the initiative. and i want to try, really i do. so should i take the initiative now?

how does it feels, to like someone, but then you got this feeling that his feelings for you arent the same, and will never be returned.

i guessed, it must be a really distressed feeling. i was telling a friend that i will always feel that i’ll never be good enough. and he told me, ‘you haven change for the 3 years i known you :D". i want to say that i did change, it just that the tiny, insecured part of me never left. i have to work harder, to change and be a so much better person. this shall be my goal for this year of life without school. and the next.

no regrets yet, missy. thats the best you can give yourself. even if it’s the second best!

i’m feeling rather happy tonight. a slow, exhilarating feeling spreading warmly down to my toes. it feels great to be happy, it rocks to be positive. i’m feeling abit deprieved of shopping cos i haven been buying any clothes for almost 2 weeks. i know, it’s supposed to be great that i’m not spending unnecessarily but a girl needs some therapy to keep herself happier!

as much as i always wanted to blog more, to pen down the random things flying inside my head, i dont have a fantastic memory unfortunately!

i missed him, as much as i dont wish to, i still do. i see his little nick, last on my list, and i felt the ache. the ache of wanting to talk but i cant. there’s always so much to be said, endless things that i can tell him. then he would listen, looked at me with his smiling eyes and laughed. i love a listener. i love someone who can just know what i’m thinking inside just by looking at me. i love someone who can laugh with me. non-stop.

i love a mcflurry in the night.

i’ve never been so annoyed as of today.

the constant laughter, screaming and yells running bouncing off the walls, and i can say i just wished i arent home. home used to be the place where i seek peace. but not anymore. staying at home on weekends proved to be totally stressful, chaotic and everything ugly. i just want to put a pillow over my head to muffle it all out. anything, just anything. my nephew, is the worse. how can someone who looked so angelic and adorable, be a a total devil inside. he bangs, he tears, he shrieks, he messes. anything that he touches, seems to be damaged soon after a few seconds. anything that he tramples, crumples. as much as i loved him, these are one of the things i cant stand.

and his darling mother, who simply just stayed in the room, yelling a few ’stop it’ every 15 minutes. how does this helps when you dont sit him down nicely and tell him that he shouldnt do that? i dont have that kind of patience, i’m just too annoyed over the attitudes of my family members. one destroys, one dont care, and the other scream along. i dont know how this happens, i really dont. peace okay. thats all i’m asking for. but that seems too much to be asking for the moment.

**

i’m feeling stressed. you dont care, you dont speak. it feels great to give it all up suddenly. i dont want it anymore. if you dont care, so be it. i dont need these crap, thank you. it always take 2 hands to clap, dont you know.

and to think i have such funny expectations. and like i said before, it will hurt so damn much to plummet back on earth.

and i’m already falling, falling; the hurt is seeping in.

friendship comes in cheap these days - how right you are!

i decided to switch back to this layout - temporarily - cos i still love it.

work today was alright, i’m getting busier than ever, with letters to type and send, appeals to key in, heaps of paper that was pushed aside for filing. you can just imagine, my desk is the perfect example of a pig-sty. lunch was expensive and a waste of money cos the pork ribs are frigging hard. and i loathe pork ribs - seriously, they are not meant for comsumption! who the hell would think they’re pork ribs when the menu clearly stated Pork Chop Rice. #%#^@! i’m wasting so much food lately that i ought to be feeling guilty.

at times, i feel incredibly irritated when people chat me up online using stupid words almost everytime we chat. i hate these words so much that i’ve been practicing them vocally to see what’s the kick of these annoying words. maybe you dont understand why the heck i’m so pissed off, but these words just pisses me off. aww, look i’m ranting like a kiddy!

after work, i headed down to the clinic to get my shine control which was delayed by hasty bus rides that had me sent back to the interchange three times would you believe and by the time i got my hands on the three plastic tubes that costs me $51.50, it’s already frigging 9pm plus. this explains why my eyes are totally dried up now and i can feel my brain coaxing all parts of my body to stop moving momentarily and to get some sleep.

some unluckiness have my boss’s boss witnessing my incredible late-ness this morning. ah, it’s time i set some new goals for new ideals, thoughts and dreams. make way for the new!

oh yess! i caught What Happened In Vegas over the weekend and it’s great - both the movie and company :)

graduation day.
university.
him.

there’s so many things in my mind right now that i’m afraid i would burst. i hate feeling this way. i got 6 more days to think about uni, and i got a week and 3 days left to get myself mentally prepared for the grad ceremony. i want desperately to be free of these. i just feel like enjoying what i can do right now; i need time to think. i need time to decide. i need time, time, time. but time is slipping me by.

and i want to stop thinking about him. and he’s not making things any easier, is he.

-

it turns out that mum’s arm is more serious that we thought. i hope it’ll be okay. it got to be.

UPDATE, Sunday afternoon:

i’m feeling calmer, i expected it’s due to the talk i had with Ping this afternoon. i think i know what i should do now. there will always be room for regrets if i let there be; but there also could be room for improvement too, if i let it be. i dont want to be sulking with regrets over the decision that i would be making by this saturday. i want to be proud of it, and i want it to be the best choice out of the two. the best i can give myself. so what if there will be a twinge of regret nagging at the back of my mind, i just have to make the best out of it. and i will. time will tell.

let’s hope i will stay this strong, sticking up to this belief, let’s hope i will hold on tight. let’s hope i wont plummet back to the ground with a thump. that will really really hurt.

i love talking to J; he perks me up :)

today, later, when i wake up, it’s gonna be an awesome day! for just a day, i want to forget about those annoying nagging fluttering issues. i’m not having butterfiles in my stomach - i’m not.

11:04am -

today is old boring friday, and here am i, sitting in the office, shaking from the cold in my seat. it’s friday come on! but it’s very boring all the same. probably cos someone is on leave today and as much as i dont wish to admit it, his existence do make a very big difference during these hours. i’m craving a joke or a laugh from him so much right now that i’m telling myself, "you got to be joking."

oh yes, i do wish i’m joking.

and as i’m typing this, i’m yawning with my mouth wide open and the pile of appeals sitting on my left is getting thicker - though today’s stack is thinner than other days. okay, i’m not going to be complaining about the appeals cos it seems to be my only rice bowl for the moment.

oh lifeeeee.

i’m missing you right now - just whatever are you doing? are you awake? or still in your sweet morning slumber?

2:19pm -

today is one of those days that, surprisingly, i got nothing much to do on my list. the appeals tray lay empty, the excelsheets full and my inbox totally zero. i’m incredibly bored, thus another short post. just back from chicken rice for lunch and the food looks hideous. you can jolly well imagine the taste. i’m not having my share of fun this afternoon. the office lacked of something - a certain prescene maybe? haha - and it stays cold, empty and quiet. i want to say this again - i miss him.

12:32am - now

i’m back from dinner at zhong huan and it’s great food. except i seems to have a weak stomach lately - i get full easily and i feel sick if i ate too much. and i’ve been wasting half of my food everytime i ate a meal. this truly got to stop as i’m getting bonier each day - or so my family and colleagues proclaimed.

to tell you the truth, i’ve been checking my phone dutifully for traces of a particular someone’s texts. and - i was rewarded with one half an hour ago. i feel my heart beating faster. it’s crazy. realization dawned to me that he is actually not the sms-kind-of-guy. his texts were both short and vague. and he sleeps rather early mind you. i am not really getting used to the idea that someone is actually sleeping earlier than me. compared to his replies, mine were rather long. does that make it obvious that i’m happy, keen and eager? i hope not. i’m still soured and upset about his hasty remark yesterday on the train. probably he will never know that it actually hurts me pretty badly. oh well, i better try to forget it and get it off my mind. you just cant be taking every negative comment to heart, can you. i know myself and i will change. the truth always hurts doesnt it.

but all the same, there’s this little bubble of happiness bubbling in my stomach as his name flickered over my hp screen. along with unease. i just dont like the way i’m feeling, the way that everything about him is affecting me. i dont sound like me. i dont feel like me. i’m afraid of this me. and something that bothers me:

i think he got a girlfriend.

p.s. i got a feeling i should be deleting half of this entry soon. i should be acting cool. i should keep my heart locked up. no no, i shouldnt start liking someone whom i know i shouldnt. the end, okay?

i dont know; the little blue MSN window pops up, featuring the two faces who used to be categorized under my good friends list. i click it, and now, i’m staring at that little picture on the top right corner sadly. i missed you guys. i missed our KTV moments, our giggles and talks, our movie dates, taxi rides, i missed missed working in K Cafe with you all. now, in just a flicker, a few changes, and then, things will never be the same again. we hardly even talked now. how are you, W? i missed you like crazy. i remembered how we met, in the weirdest place, the hotel i hated working at most. i remembered how we bond over cleaning the manager’s office, polishing wine and water glasses with a linen cloth and a flask of hot water in the kitchen. i remembered how you introduced me to your new job and how i’ve grown to like it there, meeting the few others. how we talked over our crushes, dates, heartbreaks; and so so many others.

i just want to say, i thought about you tonight. it’s funny how i could be feeling sad and happy just by seeing your tiny picture. your smiling faces. you’re happy with D arent you? i’m really glad things turned out fantastic for you two sweethearts. i remembered bumping into both of you in february, and our faces breaking into grins and fingers fluttering in a wave. but we never did speak. if i have that once chance to be your friend again, then, i must be very blessed for sure. for all we know, but that will never happened anytime soon, right god?

i guess.

endless-paperwork-days.

thats my life now. i cant say i’m not enjoying it cos i’m having fun everyday. but the foolish mistakes i’m endlessly making it’s driving me crazy. i wish i can become smarter, wiser, stop my ability of making people laugh at me. a shitload pile of mistakes is pending at the moment. everytime footsteps stopped by my desk, and i looked up, i will see a smuggy smile mocking at me or a pair of serious eyes staring at me, a piece of paper dangling from her fingers. and then, i will feel the dismay - oh just what have i done now?

and this situation seems to be happening more frequently and it’s all in repetition. stop, rewind, play.

i could have come up with a whole lists of silly/funny comments made by me in this 3 weeks. rather too much dont you think? i’m being stupid, im so so stupid. of cos, you can say i’m not stupid, just brainless. okay, acceptable. i’m too tired to argue now haha.

in the midst of working, waking up early, coming home late, sleeping while standing up on the bus, flipping through random stacks of wrinkled paper, collecting faxes, scribbling little yellow Post-It and sticking them all over my CPU, lunching in stuffy hawker centres, staring dreamily at the gorgeous buildings through my window, i just want to say i’m amazed. amazed that how time can just fly without me actually feeling it, amazed at how great it is to meet new people who just click with you, amazed that i’m actually dreading july, when work will come to an end and another untold new journey would begin.. simply, i’m just amazed at what life brings. oh, and i’m too amazed by how many mistakes i can make and stupid things i can say in a single day.

i’ve just come across a nice quote -

"when you have something great going on, dont try to change it. never improve on perfection."

note to self: dont get too envious there. envy is an never-ending feeling. it just keep coming.

at this moment, the girl typing this is seriously troubled. it’s like the Second Round or something. havent i been troubled enough a few weeks back? i thought it was solved then and now, the problem is back and there it stays, probbing on every single brain cells in my head, kicking up a big fuss, demanding an answer right this minute. this very second. of course, as usual, i dont have much choice. it’s either to accept, reject and wait for next july, or reject and dont think of studying ever again. three choices, three different routes, would you pick one now please? of cos, i’m going to write in to appeal by tomorrow or monday, after i have come out with a fantastic reason. the email is 3/4 typed now, and i just need to ensure that it’s decent before clicking SEND. however, i’m not too enthused about my "strong reasons".

today, the trip down SIM was awfully long and sleepy. met up with Jt at 930 in the morning but we were both late haha. barely into 15 minutes, we were out from the SIM office feeling strangely drained and rejected. it wasnt very hopeful, the woman attending to our enquiries looked that part. as much as we wanted to understand, we were both terribly disappointed.

and then, the day ended with buffet dinner at grandma’s house and the food was pretty awesome :) i loved my oh-tahs! spicy hot anyday but the heat’s stirring in my stomach and i’m feeling rather sick now. i had a fabulous time with all my crazy cousins! any anyday, you guys are the love of my life. :)

right now, when i’m feeling the most uncertain, upset and angry, the only thing that i feel like doing besides banging my head on the table was to call him. just to talk. to hear him at the end of the line making stupid jokes, calling me stupid or offering his advices. he’s rather terrific at offering these i tell you. i dont know, whatever he say, no matter how stupid it really was, always felt unusually reassuring. somehow, i love conversing with him, it’s weird. we seemed to be able to talk about any other random thing under the sky and it’s something that i had grown to enjoy tremoudously these two weeks.

this is saying something, isnt it. am i falling. am i am i. but he is really not the type of guy i would have liked, the inner-me objected.

as much as i would like to, no, i didnt call him. as much as i wanted to.

i think i just saw the most gorgeous phone: sony ericsson k660i - you can never go wrong with black and red!

today, i went to collect my graduation attire which was rather lovely, like an oversize nightdress. it cost a whooping 50 bucks to rent you know, but i’m happy that i have gotten it today cos i’m not gonna be free to collect it on other days. after that, lunch and movie with Jas, followed by a disaster date that i rather dont talk about and back to TM for nasi lemak as dinner. oh yeah, and the new store that sells crepes! both tasted great but we didnt finish either, what a waste of money. we’re too spoiled seriously! :)

i mentioned my feelings about him tonight. it was so rare for me to speak about my feelings for someone so bluntly. but tonight, i have no idea why, i just feel like confessing everything, struggling to find out why the heck did i suddenly care so much about someone that i was missing him on days i didnt get to see him. he came down yesterday though he took leave and i did try to hide the joy i felt when my eyes fell on him. it was stupid, it feels kiddy, silly, and funny all at once. i dont like the way i’m starting to care, starting to want him in my field of vision everytime i looked up, starting to stirr.. - but what about J? what about S? are all these three different sets of feelings the same?

i’m confused, yet i feel ashamed. why am i so fickle. they say i need to feel with my heart, and not the brains that just seem to register all the flaws. what i know is, i want and i need stability. i dont need a guy who looked good. those guys that looked good and is good in the heart doesnt exist. i had long stopped believing that they do. they dont, and even if they do, you just wont be their last girlfriend. but somehow, like always, knowing what you want and what you need is different from feeling what you want and need. i know that i want and need everything, but my heart tells me that hey you dont exactly need those, do you. you just want to hold them for a while, feel top of the world for that moment, and then, it wont be a want anymore since it’s already yours. you will chuck it aside and search for something else. something better, something improved. there will always be things you chuck aside, not knowing to cherish, not thinking of them as blessings. and once they are not yours anymore, you suddenly want them back again. life is complicated. we are always making things hard for ourselves. we’re unsure of the path that we’re walking on, and we’re just going with the flow, following the crowd. we want what everybody have. i want to step out of this crowd, i want to be different. everyday i told myself, from today onwards, my mentality will change, i will seek and strive for something that i truly need, where i will find my place in, where i feel most at ease. being with someone who cheers me up simply just by a smile, a look, a pat on the head. who makes me laugh all the time so often that i am always the last to finish my meals. someone who never let me walked behind him, someone who tries to open doors for me but often never succeed cos i was always snatching for the door handle. someone who can read me and can judge me so cleverly. someone… who can make me burst out in laughter early 9 o’clock in the morning, someone who make me turn my back on just to hide my smiles, someone who always scold me for not having breakfast, someone who says i smell good. someone who can make me feel safe and secure just by simply standing next to me.

.. are you that someone?

i realized this layout looks totally ugly on the PC at work. i should probably change back soon!

last night, i had a chat with J, and to tell the truth, i enjoyed it immensely and i’m missing it now. i miss how we used to chat every night and how funny our conversation always goes. i miss miss him. what the heck right. will things go back to normal, will S just send me a text, i will be the happiest girl for sure. i’m greedy, and this is a terrible, terrible sin.

work’s alright. i realized there’s a limit to everything and how a joke that went too far doesnt seems all that funny anymore. i can laugh when people tease me, but come on, who doesnt get annoyed when things blew out of proportion. i just feel like rolling my eyes and stucking out my tongue at this person. if you think you being charming and all, hello, think again. and yeah, look into the mirror and remember how you looked first before making a smart-alec remark. i can take a joke, a laugh anytime. but i really dont enjoy those too-much comments you’re making today. how irritating.

sticky things aside, i’m worrying alot these days. i’m worrying about uni, about my pathetic income, about those friends i care about but who just somehow arent in the picture anymore. i hope we will never become those people who become strangers due to not seeing each other for months, i hope we’ll always be there for each other. i wish i can tell you how important you are to me. but that can never be explained in words.

**i think tomorrow i shall tie up my hair. it’s time to look serious, ha ha ha.

another busy week.

time seems to run 5 times faster when you’re at work, i have no idea why. i have a good week at work this week, and i’m feeling excited about monday, call me crazy. i’m completely piled up with paperwork but i’m enjoying though i’m complaining and whining all the same. i had fish mee for 3 days in a row and i have enough of it. seriously! it’s delicious and healthy but imagine eating and tasting the same stuff for 3 days was just a little too much. while work’s been good, it makes me feel stupid however, all thanks to my colleagues :) they just loveeee insulting me and have me bursting out in fits of laughter in random moments - even when i’m buried in work! thanks to my stupid brainless answers i guessed. it’s really making me feel stupid. am i that ignorant, seriously? that’s worth a thought.

i meet up with my sisters and XY after work and it was really fun, something we haven been doing for ages. i bought cardis, make-up fixer spray and hp pouch and i’m soooo happy, completed with dinner at pastamania (jas’s idea) and i totally regretted picking creamy chicken - puke please. it was delicious at the first bite, tentative at the third and totally grossed by the fifth! i missed the chicken and mushroom pizza :( char, are you seeing this? - or is it the ham and mushroom pizza? :)

p.s. Mum’s birthday, Mother’s Day and Ah ma’s birthday are coming!

no work tomorrow, 2 days of refreshments!

i’m worrying about graduation ceremony. i dont know if i should go.

i’m feeling beat, bored, sad, angry, excited, depressed, and useless all at once. my eyes hurt, i think it’s lacking in oxygen due to over 12 hours usage of lens from monday to wednesday, and from staring at the blinking screen in those hours. i’ve typed up 2342314142 pieces of frigging appeals today - okay thats exaggerating - but it was closed. ended up i didnt get to finish cos chris piled me with somemore and i think tomorrow morning i will finish it off. the guys at work were great, just that i think i’m weird cos the more people nag, scold or tease me, the more i got the urge to giggle and smile. boy, i must be mad. lunch was good, fish soup i loved. so far, i liked my job, but tomorrow we got a meeting and it sounds pretty scary. i’m feeling worried about the interview on friday, i hope it will turn out good. i hope we will win, despite the slimmed chances that we have. i really really hope that my guardian angel’s looking over me now. please give all the best to my Mum, i pray.

i’m sinned for killing trees by wasting this whole stack of good paper today. whoops.

tomorrow and the days after would be better, i would make sure of that. i love my people.

"Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Now believe it can come true. You will never know when the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you are wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it, with all your heart."

it’s been a happy happy week. i’ve never knew working could bring so much joy and experiences. i’m learning something new everyday, and though i got teased and get called "cannot make it" five times a day, but amazingly, i’m still rather happy.

despite that the fact that i have to key and check up hundreds (okay im exaggerating here :D) of ICs a day,
despite the fact that whatever that comes out of my mouth arent always something intelligent and most of the times undelibrately funny and dont make any sense,
despite the fact that i never interact with any girls,
despite the fact that the pay is bloody darn low,
despite the fact that i have to wake up at 549am everyday,
despite the fact that i’m always brooding over what to wear for the next day,

i’m actually excited about everything. picking out outfits, entering data, snatching papers out of people’s fingertips, enjoying my window seat with views of the carpark, high-rise buildings that i drooled about working, and workers doing construction work. about what to have for lunch, where to eat, finding places in the overly-packed coffee shops, crossing those lengthy roads, swinging our passes, riding the lifts, clacking around the office in my heels, having people coming by my seat to talk to me, and a temp staff who’s leaving soon treat us to cupcakes today! even the parts whereby i got teased, laughed and insulted at was pleasantly enjoyable. i had lost the number of times that i laughed today :)

it had been a good week! and here i sat, drinking my leftover honey milk tea from yesterday, feeling strangely contented. i dont mind this feeling staying for a while; i really could get used to this.