was clearing my handphone and found these notes saved under Drafts:

.. these days i dont have the energy, time, nor feelings to blog so here i am, typing these words furiously on my trusty handphone. life is going on in a mundane and very dull manner. everyday, i woke up, rushed to pour hot water over my body, rinse out the bloody expensive shampoo/conditioner out of my hair, clean my teeth till the muscles in my arms ache and throb, hurry to throw some clothes on, and slip a comb through my hair.. it almost feels like work. i missed my work gang, i missed Z. i missed him everyday when the train stops at clementi and i thought about my chances of bumping into him there, since he drop off at this stop too. but everyday, with the people buzzing around, hurrying off to meet datelines, no such luck. perhaps i dont even wanna bump into him anyway.

school is weird. my tutorial friends are pretty sweet and nice, but since most of them are international students, we dont really click outside the classroom. or perhaps i dont try hard enough to. there is this sg guy whom i met during the orientation. we have so far exchanged 2 sentences but i’ve forgotten to introduce myself properly. i guessed he didnt know my name either. i’m still waiting for the chance to say, ‘hi, whats your name?’

for my other friends, they seem to click with their tutorial mates pretty well. i’m kinda jealous and envious, i admit i am.

–

today is one of the biggest day of Da’s life. i should be happy, just like everyone was. all smiles and the frantic rushes to take pictures with beaming faces. but i’m not. i thought of you, wondering if you’re looking from up above, approving, happy.. i miss your prescene dearly here.

–

sometimes, the realization that he is not here anymore still strucks me dry, hit me hard. how can i not miss you? how can i get over this? - never. never never ever.

HAHA, i wonder if one day, when i looked back this post title, would i have remembered this funny dialog between Mum and I?

i desperately need to write something, anything that will empty out the worries running in circles in my head. how is your monday? mine is fine, thank you. filled with funny econs knowledge that came in bits and pieces no less, scattered in parts of my brain, floating in tiny chunks which i find absolutely impossible to understand. should i have told you something newer after a econs lecture? nah, not really; though i have much to say, but they arent supposed to be important enough to grace this very page. i think.

neverthless, i still think that today should be a good day cuz the lady sitting beside me on the bus on my way home alighted at the same stop as me - thus preventing the need to squeeze my fat ass out pass her face or slap her cheek with my big slouchy bag. another reason probably be that i skipped my tutorial and went to catch Four Christmas with Ping just now. ah, not to mention the yummy macnuggets meal that we managed to sneak past the unsuspecting ticket man. (yes, he shall be called ticket man) the movie is lovely by the way, nothing that exciting, but definitely heart-warming enough for me on this warm Monday afternoon. it sure chased away the monday blues!

but i’m kind of sorry for myself cuz i desperately need to catch up on my econs homework for i’m clashing another econs class tomorrow. that is the first reason why i’m sorry for myself. and the other one? would probably be that i had stupidly, foolishly enough to forget to submit my econs sentences yesterday at 11:59pm- the deadline. i’m so crushed. what is my brain for exactly, when i dont remember the simplest things and these stuff only come into memory almost an hour later, at 12:50am when i was happily tucked in my bed, patchy blanket pulled up onto my chin, ready to snuggle into a deep slumber - when my brain finally decides to connect its wires. damn damn damnnnnned. i’m so angry that i’m hardly sorry now.

wait.. i think i got another reason(s) why the sorries are never ending.

1. i’m uberly broke all thanks to the bus fare. what, $30 a week are you kidding me?
2. i hate someone getting something that i want.
3. christmas is coming. - joy, fun, laughter. but how come i dont feel anticipative?
4. indeed, i’m so hard to love.
5. school is killing me. i dont know how i should help myself. drop out?
6. freaking korean drama. i was happily drowning myself into these new series yesterday and guess what? just when the couple are happily planning to get married (after much much obstacles, mind you), the guy contracted a brain illness. what the heck? i’m chasing for a happy ending which wont come. come on, this world is sad enough, and the unreality world have to be almost as bad. seriously, i have enough of unhappy-endings. please, please dont die.

7. i miss you, you and you. it always feels like the people i loved, always walk away. dont leave me here, stuck in my hysterical world.