i’m hungry.

it seems like i would have to wait out for lunch today.. ugh. Jas is still sleeping, i think. i had tom yum cup noodles on monday which means my lunch got to be something more healthy today.

anyway, i’ve tried those stuff that i’ve bought yesterday and i think my skin loves it. i’m still thinking if i should get the retail-size bottles but it is going to be very expensive no doubt. $100, probably? all is very tempting.

 

a bit of peace. TV switched off. everybody in their rooms. three dozing off to a slumber (a sweet one i hoped), one singing softly to themselves (my eldest sister anyway haha), one gaming or online shopping, and finally me, alone in the living room, windows shut and the door locked.

a perfect happy place and time where i could think without distractions.

re-watched Iron Man with bro this afternoon, just two of us. over the last week, i had caught High School Musical 1 & 2 (i cant wait for 3), What Happens In Vegas (again), Narnia: Prince Caspian, Wildchild, Flushed Away, Resident Evil 1, 2 & 3, Yes Man and Twilight. jeez, i cant help but feel slightly geeky hee hee.

i need to pluck my eyebrows. happily, the thought that i dont need to travel to as far as orchard road to do my brows makes me very happy indeed - thanks for the new beauty salon that opened at TM a few weeks ago. i still need the courage to try their techniques though, cuz i have come to conclude that different beauticians tweeze in different ways and styles. bummer if you’re unlucky and picked one who gives you painful and throbbing stabs, make you tear and leave those tell-tale red blotches all over your eyes. hmmm.. but perhaps the courage would come with emergency and urgency. CNY is coming round the corner after all. speaking of which.. i only have one new CNY top to wear. two more to go!

shopping irks and cheers me now. irks first cuz i dont have much to spend (gasp - and Da was telling me she just spent $80 on a dress a few mins ago! unfairness or what?), cheers cuz i’m happy to have any reason to shop. but of cuz shopping is only fun when you can just buy stuff without looking at the price tags hee hee. but that will be too unlike me - i will always look at the price tags before judging a top is nice or not. oh stingy me.

my next-door indian neighbour is outside her door making ridiculously loud noises for a night like this. for goodness’s sake they cant even open the door without making 1001 amount of noises!!! luckily there are some pipes thingy standing between our doors, or else..

speaking of noisy neighbours, we seem to be getting alot of them these days. loud rolling sounds can always be heard upstairs and we were all eager to use our bamboo pole for other uses other than hanging wet laundry. poke-poke-poke! so tempting isnt it! it had started becoming a inside joke that there must be murders being commited upstairs, judging by all those noises.. ewwww.

also, a paint-job project to re-paint all the blocks around here is going to be in progress soon. i cant bear to think about the amount of noise and dust our new neighbours (the painters) will be making!

**i’m really excited about getting a copy of The Host soon!!! *dance around*

 

OMG TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF 2008!!!!! - i only just realized. applause everybody, i’ve managed to come this far. perhaps it doesnt means anything, either. just another day for me.

it seems like once i start having the mood to write, i can hardly remember to stop. often, i wish i have a built-in hard disk inside my brain or something, so i can note down every tiny single memory, words, and feelings i would like to remember. but sadly, no. my brain is far from that. and pitifully, i tend to forget things very fast. one distraction is all it takes.

yes, still watching Moonlight Reasonance.

*

my heart feels very confused right now. tangled up. words failed me. words trapped inside, words that couldnt be released. perhaps i’m getting panicky. tomorrow will be wednesday the 31st, which is techically the last day of 2008, the first day of 2009 dawning. time flies isnt it? too fast, in fact. so speedy that it’s impossible to grasp anything. anything i wanted to bring into the new year. anything refreshing, anything worthy, anything memorable. fact is, 2008 is a big bore, a year of complications and confusion. a year which feels like a maze and i’m still trapped inside those green hedges, the exits blocked, and me, sad and lonely in there. i was alone. i’m still alone. will 2009 be better? a question that speak volumes. perhaps i cant wish for more. i should be feeling grateful if it isnt worse that 2008.

i dont understand why these feelings cant go away. these sadness and loneliness engulfing me.. this fear.. i’m afraid to step out. i wonder where is those somebodies when you needed them. i wonder how come other people have full of somebodies but i have almost none. none i feel appreciative enough for, anyway.

i feel such a sinner, for feeling this way.

*

it’s amazing how i couldnt write properly when i have people hanging around me, half-afraid that they will pop up behind me suddenly, reading over my shoulder.. it makes me shudder. perhaps i valued privacy more i think, or i couldnt help but mused on the fact that maybe i’m embarrassed to be caught blogging? it’s rather frightening, either way. right now, as the dark curtains fell over the world, the TV is blaring behind me, flashing my current obsessed drama 家好月圆, my baby boy a few feet away from me scrawling cute transformers (i should think so!), Mum cutting her fingernails.. makes it a very ordinary Tuesday night actually.

and oh yes, i mopped and swept the floor today! it’s rather amazing, too, how satisfying it feels after i worked out a sweat doing housework. very tired, sweat sticking my shirt to my body, stinking up my hair, but satisfying nevertheless.

i’ve finished reading Breaking Dawn and Eclipse. the ending is fantastic but.. i wished for more. 4 books is too short. am re-reading Twilight now while i still can! sigh. the movie is quite amazing though, if only they followed the original script fully. it’s just too short.

i havent get any studying done. yet. darn. sigh. i’m so dead.

randomly speaking, i was at Watson’s just now and i managed to grab a sample of a moisturizer i’m very excited to try out and the brightening eye roller at 20% off!!!!! utter bliss. if only i can just ignore that the hole in my pocket is getting bigger…

so happy. but still very worried cuz i haven been touching my books since the last paper on the 18th. a week flew by and i just let myself immerse in the excuse of a Christmas mood. so christmas is over right now, shouldnt i be starting to mug already? get cracking?

am terribly disappointed with myself right now. too bad i dont have any resistance over this. too bad a weakling is all i am.

- comtemplating on getting The Host..!

 

**watching 家好月圆 is making my very angry.. ahhhhh!!!! bitches.

movies and dramas is pretty what summed up my life the past week. and christmas! and gatherings! and movies!

however, it’s distracting how the dust is piling up at every inch of the house and i’m not doing anything about it. hee! time to put on some rubber gloves huh? and something random, i fetched my dear boy to school today. :) resulting in me wanting to get a copy of Cleo - walking to Esso and realizing that the bloody Cheers dont have any copy - running back to the mart to get another copy -walking back home again. sigh. what a morning! thank goodness for green milo packets and Choco Pies!

*runaway*

.. this week of late night sleepings had disrupted the complexion i had been trying desperately hard to keep in tip-top condition. now, i’m suffering from heavy eyebags that resembles a panda, flaky patchy blemished skin and darn these oil seeds! (at least thats what i think they are) how not to be depressed you tell me?!

.. i’m pleased to announce that i have not been buying clothes for the past two months! a broken record, really. ok lah, not cuz i dont want to spend but i’m too broke after investing in better facial products due to my gulliability. and now i feel like going to get some new moisturiser cuz i suspect it’s my new moisturiser that is making my pores cloggy. sigh, how not to spend money like that? and this is considered a health care, a necessity.. right?

.. i couldnt really get along with her. everything she did, said, just infuriated me more. this is not how sisterhood is suppose to be like. blood is always thicker than water, they say. but so what? does it means anything or just a stupid consoling theory? we all need to grow up, before things get worse.

.. my cousin, who is getting married dropped by with his finance (HAHA, fiancee i mean) to offer joss sticks to our ascendants. and barely stepping in for 5 minutes, they are off in a whiff, leaving behind an unaddressed wedding invitation (quite rude i think) and cake. hmm. cousins huh?

.. Mum got a new job which i think suits her more. she seems happier, i hope this is her turning point for the better. :) she’s happy = i’m happy.

.. i miss you all the same. it’s been a long time since i last write you something; but it doesnt means that there goes a day without me thinking about you. the words are just kept in my heart, unspoken. how do you define yearning in words?

.. i always feel misunderstood. i crave for acceptance, i crave for understanding, i crave for people to remember little good things about me, i crave for people to notice me. but.. how come things always turns out so differently from how you expected it? for once, i wished for predictability.

.. at least, give me a sign? anywhere, even a flutter of leaves, a stirring of the wind? all i have is nothing, nothing. or perhaps i just choose to overlook how fullfilling my life actually can be - if i ever wanted it.

finally, a time to sit down properly in front of the computer without feeling guilty and tremoudously bothered by the growing pile of work stacked up by the window waiting to be done… i’m back into the tests-free world!!!! so yay me.

this week had been extremely horrible, put in an understatement. i’m in utter pieces, scrambling to study at the last few minutes (my fault, my problem, my retribution totally, i should have better discipline and restraint, ’nuff said), scribbling short notes but funnily, they’ll normally end up being the exact copies of my textbook, except shorter cuz i choose to ignore those longer paragraphs. so, duh, dont ask me why i spent enormous amount of time writing non-stop till the blisters have roughen up and my finger bones ached like it’s going to break with a single flex- and still the notes are of not much help at all. i supposed i think that writing and writing will somehow help get those theories and all those shit inside my head but would someone finally just tell me blandly in the face that studying dont work this way so i will stop mugging this way? it’s seriously the least effective studying technique, but i’m still doing that. even after years and years of realizing.

so geez, my fault that i’m just about to fail all of the 4 tests when i know i’m actually studying harder than my first tests? hah. and did i mention that today, into the last day of the tests, and econs results is already out? - want to know how well i fare? - well, read the above sentence :) i think my econs lecturer is crazy, i think he stayed up both nights just to mark our scripts, cuz we just sat for the test on wednesday mind you. scrary. weird. creepy. pervert in this queer way. haha, but he is really nice though. intimidating, but nice. and apart from the fact that i’ve score 9 marks higher since my first test.. i have nothing else to be proud of.

instead, incredibly shameful. yikes. 1 down, 3 more blows to go!

sigh. double sighs. i’m still very bothered by my econs results though i’m definitely not the last on the list.. but i’m still mooning, moaning, crying, depressing all over that puddle of spilled econs milk.

so, i assumed that this is already considered a big, huge ass setback for me and now i should be more motivated to study, like, EVERYDAY till the cows moo home, till earth stops spinning, till singapore starts to snow… yes please. 2 weeks worth of mugging!

and econs aside, i still need to use a paragrahs or two (or a dozen, judging my how depressed this is making me feel) about my maths paper today. i’m absolutely ashamed. the questions doesnt lies in the paper - in fact, the paper is considered remotely easy, copy-and-paste questions from our textbook but guess what? barely 10 minutes into the 2-hour paper, my brain got stuck, the gears stopped running, the engines probably died out or something and my brain nerves disconnected. I AM TOTALLY STUCK. STUCK in a supposedly easy-peasy paper that everyone will pass with colourful flying colours and i will get black and grey. i couldnt be more guilty, horrified at myself and the stupidness of it all. just like that, my mind splutters and died…

:(((((((

i’m such a loser. perhaps, uni really doesnt suits me. i should be working in a office, sitting till my butt gets bigger and my thighs grow fatter. i guessed everyone around me have enough of my ranting over my stupidity that they stopped trying to console me thereafter hahaha.

it’s time to stop and brood, and come out with a solution. it’s time i go out and buy an organiser to organise my disorganised life. it’s time for action and serious strategy to announce that i’m not stupid, but a lazybum. so, please ask me out only if you’re planning to study :))

-

and oh yes, i have dying to catch Twilight!

some good old cutie is exactly what i need to shoo away this nightmare..

i reckon today i’m a happier girl. and why shouldnt i be? it’s a friday!

came home with happy buys: a new cleanser that seems pretty good, and new shampoo and conditioner! - no clothes, believe it or not :)

-

i think i’m having something like a writer’s block, i dont have much to update except for the same old stuff about school - i dont feel like writing about the food i eat, or the bubble teas i sinned over, the lectures and tutorials that seems to drone on forever, the friends i mixed with - i will definitely bore myself to tears. same old, same old. life is still like that. those fears are still trapped inside me. i dont like this kind of life; i’m just pacing and pacing in circles, without any improvement, without any ideas to improve. jealousy and envy seems to be circling around me everytime - i’m sick and tired of all this. crazily, i keep visualizing myself working in an office, earning some money at least, leading a life perhaps not perfect but just borderly satisfactory, that would get me by. at least i will be following procedures of my job scope and not throwing myself at the mercy of those graphs, functions, blah blah blah. all week, i’ve been obsessing over _ + _ = _, it’s rather crazy. indeed, i’m not the studying type.  

i’m such a disappointment. though you didnt exactly say those words, Mum, i know i have let you down again.

oh stupid me.

-

today, i realize how some people can be such turn-offs. they seems rather amazing, well, he seems to be that way. a friend i could rely in those small classes which i cant click much. but a guy who scraped over tiny issues like $1.50? you’re a real turn-off, disgusting.

seems like i need more skills on judging a character!

**i need to learn to grow to like my environment. but some people just sucks dont they.

today is one of the rare days whereby i was alone at home. completely, alone.

these 4 days of so-called holidays blipped by is such a speed that i still think that yesterday must still be friday - cuz i hasnt touched any homework at all. oh god help me. tests is next week - gasp - and i still dont feel anything at all. i’m such a goner, i think. econs is still as confusing as the meaning would allow. complicated graphs and equations flying by with meaningless, colourless explanations. maths is alright, i think, a day of practice should keep me in sync. IBM is like shit. shitshitshit. i remembered flunking the first test - hahaha - and i think this test 2 should not be any different - really confident of me huh?

worried-worried-worried. 7 days to TESTS!…

but here am i, typing, typing, typing. jeez.

he loved me, but he doesnt loved me anymore, and it’s not the end of the world.

was clearing my handphone and found these notes saved under Drafts:

.. these days i dont have the energy, time, nor feelings to blog so here i am, typing these words furiously on my trusty handphone. life is going on in a mundane and very dull manner. everyday, i woke up, rushed to pour hot water over my body, rinse out the bloody expensive shampoo/conditioner out of my hair, clean my teeth till the muscles in my arms ache and throb, hurry to throw some clothes on, and slip a comb through my hair.. it almost feels like work. i missed my work gang, i missed Z. i missed him everyday when the train stops at clementi and i thought about my chances of bumping into him there, since he drop off at this stop too. but everyday, with the people buzzing around, hurrying off to meet datelines, no such luck. perhaps i dont even wanna bump into him anyway.

school is weird. my tutorial friends are pretty sweet and nice, but since most of them are international students, we dont really click outside the classroom. or perhaps i dont try hard enough to. there is this sg guy whom i met during the orientation. we have so far exchanged 2 sentences but i’ve forgotten to introduce myself properly. i guessed he didnt know my name either. i’m still waiting for the chance to say, ‘hi, whats your name?’

for my other friends, they seem to click with their tutorial mates pretty well. i’m kinda jealous and envious, i admit i am.

–

today is one of the biggest day of Da’s life. i should be happy, just like everyone was. all smiles and the frantic rushes to take pictures with beaming faces. but i’m not. i thought of you, wondering if you’re looking from up above, approving, happy.. i miss your prescene dearly here.

–

sometimes, the realization that he is not here anymore still strucks me dry, hit me hard. how can i not miss you? how can i get over this? - never. never never ever.

HAHA, i wonder if one day, when i looked back this post title, would i have remembered this funny dialog between Mum and I?

i desperately need to write something, anything that will empty out the worries running in circles in my head. how is your monday? mine is fine, thank you. filled with funny econs knowledge that came in bits and pieces no less, scattered in parts of my brain, floating in tiny chunks which i find absolutely impossible to understand. should i have told you something newer after a econs lecture? nah, not really; though i have much to say, but they arent supposed to be important enough to grace this very page. i think.

neverthless, i still think that today should be a good day cuz the lady sitting beside me on the bus on my way home alighted at the same stop as me - thus preventing the need to squeeze my fat ass out pass her face or slap her cheek with my big slouchy bag. another reason probably be that i skipped my tutorial and went to catch Four Christmas with Ping just now. ah, not to mention the yummy macnuggets meal that we managed to sneak past the unsuspecting ticket man. (yes, he shall be called ticket man) the movie is lovely by the way, nothing that exciting, but definitely heart-warming enough for me on this warm Monday afternoon. it sure chased away the monday blues!

but i’m kind of sorry for myself cuz i desperately need to catch up on my econs homework for i’m clashing another econs class tomorrow. that is the first reason why i’m sorry for myself. and the other one? would probably be that i had stupidly, foolishly enough to forget to submit my econs sentences yesterday at 11:59pm- the deadline. i’m so crushed. what is my brain for exactly, when i dont remember the simplest things and these stuff only come into memory almost an hour later, at 12:50am when i was happily tucked in my bed, patchy blanket pulled up onto my chin, ready to snuggle into a deep slumber - when my brain finally decides to connect its wires. damn damn damnnnnned. i’m so angry that i’m hardly sorry now.

wait.. i think i got another reason(s) why the sorries are never ending.

1. i’m uberly broke all thanks to the bus fare. what, $30 a week are you kidding me?
2. i hate someone getting something that i want.
3. christmas is coming. - joy, fun, laughter. but how come i dont feel anticipative?
4. indeed, i’m so hard to love.
5. school is killing me. i dont know how i should help myself. drop out?
6. freaking korean drama. i was happily drowning myself into these new series yesterday and guess what? just when the couple are happily planning to get married (after much much obstacles, mind you), the guy contracted a brain illness. what the heck? i’m chasing for a happy ending which wont come. come on, this world is sad enough, and the unreality world have to be almost as bad. seriously, i have enough of unhappy-endings. please, please dont die.

7. i miss you, you and you. it always feels like the people i loved, always walk away. dont leave me here, stuck in my hysterical world.