Dear Diary,

it had been an extremely brain-draining, mind-wrecking week. Pa’s first year anniversary fell on the 12th of october, which we had the rituals and everything done on a sunday and Ma says, now he is finally together with Grandma and Grandpa. it seems like i’m feeling sadder and sadder day by day. i cant forget. it’s too hard, too painful, it still is. nobody probably care enough, though consoling words is what i had heard enough. even J dont understand, he just laugh it off. perhaps he is trying to liven up the mood, to make me feel better. but of all people, i seek more consolence from him. i thought that him, of all people should understand. him, of all people should know what i need arent those words i heard everyday. him, of all people to hear me rant and allow me to. i guess, as we grow up, people who we always thought will stay the same, will always be there  - wont be there forever afterall. nothing last forever is the truest fact in history.

…

we finally finished our test this wednesday, and our econs’ results was out yesterday. a pathetic 8% was what i achieved for desperately mugging for the last few hours of the sunday. i did study econs on a normal days, but quantity doesnt always mean quality, so i guessed i have alot to catch up on making a strategic plan to study better in a short amount of time. i need progress, progress, progress! studying with the gang always doesnt seems productive, so recently, i’ve been heading off early to mug alone at Macs or BK. peace seems to find me only then. i like being alone sometimes, cos i realized how easily i can be influence by my peers. i’m not too fond of that side of me either, believe me.

caught Eagle Eye last week cos concidentally, i bumped into Pei and her friend at the bus stop. so together, we went to Starbucks where i met this crazy asshole who cheated me of my 2 bucks (which i can use to buy french fries ok), and amazingly (!!!!) i finished the tall Java Chips i’ve ordered. Java Chip is the love of my life. yum! afterwhich, we went to catch the movie which was rather A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! <3 another must-watch!

damn broke for words, rawr. lots of things to scribble, another day perhaps.

my favourite song this week. on repeat mode, yeah:

当你决定你要离开我
我没有说什么
就当作你自由
有好几次我都想挽留
哭求也没有用
就当作是寂寞
因为我能明白他的温柔对你是种解脱
就坦白告诉我谁是你的最爱
其实你很爱他对我的惩罚
说你没有想他是可怜我吧
我已没有借口只能放手
不敢奢求你说爱我
其实你很爱他他很温柔吗
其实你很想他就说出口吧
我已不想多说捂朵
不想再次听到你说你很爱他

you know, i really dont wish to hate school, hate the people i have to force myself to hangout with, blindly everyday. i wanted to be well-liked and be able to like them in return. though many a time, i do enjoy our lunches, talks and discussions over homework, there are still those moments when i feel left out. and you, being my closest friend, even preferred them to me. i dont know why. this hurts you know, i feel terrible, confused, abandoned, helpless and i feel like crying all the same.

i really dont feel like mixing with you anymore. everytime with you, it always feels like you’re the copycat, but other people will just think that i am the one - childish yes?

i need some new friends.

-

sometimes even i scare myself. how can i be so evil at times, whenever i’m frustrated or angry, sad or depressed, or am i simply just being evil and mean for the sake of it? tonight, i shuddered at how twisted i can actually be. am i the only crazy one here?

-

today was spent rushing around with a plastic bag of 6-inch thick of IBM notes. i sweared this subject is certainly going to be one which i would come to dread. the lecturer was cranky and mad for one.

-

freaking tiring day. needless to say, i kind of regret watching 4Bia last week. those gross creepy movie scenes keep flashing into my mind whenever i got up at 5am to bath in the kitchen toilet. i cant even close my eyes without fearing that something would pop up once i re-opened them! and i too, was afraid last night when i was lying on the bed trying to get some sleep, i ended up being awake by 328am. but for those who love horrors, 4Bia is a must-watch!

-

today is a happy, contented night. what an evening ended up rather great. i loved chatting up with my poly friends, i loved catching up with things i never knew. it’s weird; how can i be laughing over matters like, finally knowing that they’re making fun of my hair behind my back at that one particular time, or how honest everyone is being suddenly. i missed talking like that, without a care in the world. somehow, though that’s a mix of hurt when realization strucks, but the it’s the honesty that i valued.