i could still remember the very first day where we met, i was in a white v-neck fox tee and blue jeans, Da’s Kipling orange monkey bag slung across one shoulder. i was nervous, which grew to exasperation cos you were so quiet and i was the one struggling with the small talk. i remembered saying irritably, ‘why are you soooo quiet?‘

those words fell out of my mouth before i could stop myself.

and today, almost four years later, our friendship seems to be very serene. we go out, we hang out when situation allows us, we had lunched, went shopping, gossiped, talked, shared our views, laughed - very normal things that friends do together. but i realized things arent the same as it was years back. these days, the silence that hung around us seemed to be the very staple of our friendship. to us, silence is the thing to hang around after a few sentences. perhaps i dont know how i can talk to you anymore. there are many many things about me, my life, my problems, my thoughts that i would love to share with you. however, i couldnt. i dont feel that intimate with you anymore. the intimacy and cosiness that once surrounds us isnt there anymore. i cant imagine myself shrieking and squealing while happily hooking my arm into the crook of yours. - like i used to do.

funny how things changes. i do miss the old pair of us, very much. nevertheless, i know that change is a constant part of us, and there’s nothing much that i can do to bring us back to the closeness that we’ve once felt.

i do get angry, when i felt neglected by you. today, this feeling almost overwhelmed me, choking me with unhappiness and jealousy. but it subsides soon after, cos at the end of the day, i would still like to be at peace with myself. no point, i think, on second thoughts, you still arent worth that much.

wednesday, we had boring stats in the morning and i ate all sorts of heaty food imagined. and here i am, wondering why the hell my throat hurts so much. let’s see - the hashbrown in the morning cos i was starving, Shilin’s xo fried chicken and tempura with Ping in the afternoon for lunch, and later, Jas treat me to Famous Amos’ No Nuts cookies in the evening. and yesterday Ma and i finished off the can of Tom and Jerry chips!!! *guilty look*

ugh, i’ve just popped in a strepsil and drank lemon honey just now, i hoped i wont be nursing a sore throat tomorrow! and in the midst of all.. i’ve decided not to be a lazybum and slathered on an aspirin mask.

shopping in the afternoon, and as usual the price tags dont agree with me. too many things we girls always want - even those we might not even wear - and there’s too little money to go around. i’m dead broke, i officially declared today. besides the fact that i’ve decided on getting the bi-weekly lens of $260 for half a year, i have citibank card bills to clear, daily transport and expenses to think about. and the contact lens solution and protein tablets that i will be buying to take extra good care of my lens.. and my facial products, my weekly/monthly indulgences, my library overdue fines, my hair treatment.. the list can continue till the next ten entries if i have the time to type them out, ha.

go on, say serve me right for not saving up when i have a steady flow of income. while people fret about getting good results, i fret both on results and money. sometimes, i just couldnt help wishing that i’m richer.

.. on a sad side note, my epilator is not here yet >:(

 

** three more days, and it would be your birthday. i still miss you like crazy, Pa. i am carrying your calculator in my bag. somehow, i’m feeling happy knowing that its yours. perhaps i’m still trying to grab hold of you, or if not, anything close.. i know i still am.

how’s life in heaven?

g’night, Pa.

back from study skills lecture, macs fillet-o-fish lunch, eye check-up, and some window shopping. lecture is b-o-r-i-n-g.

it’s a happy bubbly day, but i’m just confused over my eye check-up. should i go back to bi-weekly lens or stick to my daily trusty ones?

dilemmaaaaaaaaaaa.

and the optician’s wise words arent exactly helping. boohoowoo. however, i’m thankful to hear that my eyes condition are under control, and that my parcel is not lost, but just sent back to the person. :) still blessed, probably!

and yes, happy chinese birthday to me :) Ma, thank you for the egg mee sua this morning <33

p.s. i’m craving for POPEYE’S!!!!

p.s.s. yay shopping tomorrow, hehehe. town here i come!

weekends practically flew before i can grasp some relaxing moments. i’m not happy with the new tutorials arrangement, i’m scared of meeting new people of different countries, i’m irritated by the awkward silence that follows once i stop talking. i hate it that i’m trying to engage everybody in a conversation but nobody else makes the effort to continue it. it’s very very frustrating. why is it that the people i have to mix with are all like that?

perhaps i am the problem, huh.

tomorrow is another week, another stream of lectures that i must ace in. i’m thinking lots of study sessions by myself soon. i’m suddenly feeling troubled. but no point in dreading. tomorrow is coming soon. in another two weeks’ time, it will be my birthday and Da’s engagement party. should i feel excited? confused is more like it. but it’s something joyous isnt it? i want to be a control freak. but look at my messy bedroom, my unmade bed, our house piled with stuff everywhere, my lump of bags and clothes on the floor and on the bed. i’m not getting anywhere near. i’m sick of meeting and carry on friendships with people who arent worth the time. my life is in a mess, as usual. i’m going to the library more than usual, returning books when i had barely finished it. life is very very weird. i feel like i’m living another person’s life.

ok, enough ranting, get to sleep.

for some reasons, i still very much prefer this little space of mine.

school’s been so-so so far, just into the fourth day of mixing around this multi-racial group. we had uncooked chicken chop lunch at MegaBites Cafe, where they used this Mache/Villa’ge card-chopping system to pay for our food. one card cost $25 if you lost it! the food looks great, but the taste… ha. i rather enjoy meeting new people, so i guess everything is fine. econs class today again - boorrring. i spent $50 on two pair of shorts and a bag, please kill me. i need sleep soon - 5am wake-up call again tomorrow!

3 more days till the weekends. boo-hoo :)

hmm what to wear what to wear now.

school has finally begun. a wide variety of friends, ranging from different countries. many funny accents that i’m not used to. econs was our first lecture. and we have homework! i’ve finally picked my modules, deciding the ones with the least maths. my first lunch at SIM was lemon chicken cutlet rice. the earliest i have to wake up was 5 freaking am in the morning. i had my forehead sunburnt during the orientation last friday. it was hilarious, with lousy buffet meals, outdoorsy games that  have me freaked out, and in the end i didnt dare try any (yeah, loserish me, ha!) hmm, what else. 

however, i’m glad i have my friends with me. 

SIM is more about paying highly ridiculous school fees than anything else. we paid 7k barely two months ago, and now, another 1.3k is required. i dont know what am i getting myself into, am i know is, i barely knew yet. 

my shopping urge is dying down, which is great. i havent been talking to much people outside of my comfort zone lately. i wonder why. perhaps.. , i’m just a complicated person. i need more than what other people need. when i’m uneasy about something, i run, i seek a hiding place where i dont have to explain. unless you find me, i might just hide and disappear from your life forever. 

many a time, i find the wall surrounding me getting higher and higher. i dont like this side of me, but neither do i feel like changing completely. perhaps somethings just need time. 

…

no matter what, jia you.. ! .. and life goes on, doesnt it?

p.s. goodbye.

hmm, one of the things i’m really going to miss will definitely be JW’s Fridays’ breakfasts. i feel rather guilty now that i’ve decided not to buy anything for them but no one is going to remember me once i’m gone surely?
i’m such a realistic person heeheehee.

today is finally the last day, i woke up with a throbbing headache and the urge to crawl back under the covers was strong. many loose ends to tie, and i got soooo much work to do. (cue: the big box stuffed with papers at my feet, all thanks to Chris!)

but nevermind, i will be visiting the paper shredder later, the shredder shall be my best friend today.

and to the people who i havent chatted to for ages, i miss you guys so :)

.. dozens bits and pieces scattering drafts to update!. .. later, argh headache.