2:37pm - Stoning
the rain is falling. it looks like snow from my window. it feels cold here, the blasting air from the air-con tingling with the cold breeze outside. it feels very stale, empty silence hanging over the air, and at the same time, the place is totally noisy, calls from the CUS officers from the back - we are just separated by a reddish pink panel, and every ring of the phone, every impatient conversations could be heard from here.
 
right now, i’m feeling the sinking realization that how working life here is without him - boring, empty, meaningless, helpless, frustrating.
 
i’m a total fool. - but happy thing is, he bothered to text me in the morning, just before lunch :)

2:41pm -
the rain is still coming down fast. from my view here, all the high and mighty buildings and the carpark looks unreal, like something is blocking the reality and the smoky facade. i love such weathers, i wish i have my pillow here, i wish i was anywhere but here, i wish i wish, that he is here beside me.
 
thursday is payday and that make me feel slightly cheered up. things will get better wont they? i used to anticipate everyday of work, but right now, where had all those pure enthusiam gone to? that very existence that make my heart beat a beat extra faster, the bounce in my footsteps a tad lighter, that smile a bit wider, the laughter lightening up the atmostphere x10 times over - isnt here anymore. how reality strucks you, it’s incredibly ridiculous sometimes. over the weekends, havent i been strong? havent i told myself that i could survive? how wrong i was, indeed. - and why he didnt reply my last msg? - i’m pathetic, hello, i admit.
 
you know, over lunch with chris gang, they keep teasing me where my "boyfriend" had went to. reminders of you keep jumping in all sorts of conversations and circumstances. topics of you were endless. i was smiling, grinning, laughing like a fool. no one knew, that i actually miss you so much.
 
3:28pm -
for the millionth time, thank goodness for Guardian’s Cherry flavoured Lip Moisturiser - it’s taste exactly like candy (!), brightens the dull stale air and heavy fuzzy noise of quick discussions at the back and the tip-tappying of keys here, plus keep my lips in a totally yummy lip-smacking state. my pink and silver tube, i love you!
 
sigh, the last friday, you’re still here, talking crap with me. hard to believe that i’m missing your tickles! hard to believe that i’m sounding so pitiful and lovesick ugh i hate this side of me. ooh, the boys are off to buy hot cozy drinks. i opted for hot tea. this reminds me how you and i used to run off to coffee breaks like this, coffee&toast where we got your breakfast, and usually, my hot teh with straw :D, just you and i. -sigh-
 
3:43pm
omg my big mouth - Doris came to ask i am available until when and i immediately blurted out 8 of august without thinking! somebody stab me please :( and my most hated enemy is staying with me till for another 3 weeks and 4 days. ARGH. Doris asked him to accompany me for another one week as initially he is staying for just another 2 weeks. and he readily agreed so as to "accompany" me! ugh, puke, eek, ack, argh i so dont want his company hello. - what have i gotten myself into? but i need the money, money should come first. so stop hitting yourself over it (yeah riiiggght). just another 24 days and you will be gone from this hell hole - poof.
 
4:44pm - Drinking tea TC forced on us, ack
omgosh, i’m so bubbly happy right now! i’m sure you can guess why :D GUESS WHO CALLED :D:D him, of cos. the moment i texted him about the disaster above, he called me and when i picked up, he was on the other side, laughing his ass off! again his theory about how TC is smitten with me - i so do not want to think about it. i hope he is wrong, cos i’m incredibly disgusted with him! so, i’m sure he is wrong. anyway, that fellow enemy is not important - the call is. it’s amazing how dizzily relieved and happy i could feel with just one phone call, hearing the sound of his tinkling laughter down the other line. it was a very delicious and heart-warming feeling. nothing could beat this other than Ma’s ‘have a nice day!’ :)
 
anyway, the whole convo mostly involved him laughing his guts out and saying ‘you’re stupid’, ‘you really cannot make it’, laughing all over again - gosh the entire point of him making the call is to laugh at me, he says. and yeah, the moment i say hello, he was laughing and saying AHAHAHAHAH, i’m calling so you can hear my laughter, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!’. see, some excellent taste i got for guys. the call lasted for around 15 minutes, from the office all the way to the toilet, and back to the closed corridor where i was squatting on one side of the wall, doubled over with laughter (a random passer-by went by and i think he thinks i’m mad), and back to the office again where we said byes, and ending with his laughter AGAIN echoing down the phone line. i swear i still can hear his laugh even after we hung up. i’ve never knew laughter is such a great feeling, until today.
 
5:02pm - Drank half-cup of tea and thanks to it i badly want to pee
but i’m lazy, ah-ha. left with barely an hour and i’m off to movies with my lil brother :) speaking of which, i just told D that i’m watching Get Smart and guess what that smart-alec-in-a-cute-way says?
 
"watch for what? you also wont become smarter one!" -insert his evil grin-
 
haha, D, you’re sooooo funny. but i like it :) D just went crazy just now - by drawing all the long, gray curtains wide open. see, we have pretty tall ceilings and half-length windows. so you can imagine how part of our office looked like now. - extremely wide view of the buildings outside where you can almost see where’s the sun shining at and the entire office was lit up x100. even this screen now looks too bright to see! gosh if my eyesight increased, it will be his fault. plus this mad-drawing-curtains kind of thing has revealed us to the very dirt-specked windows and dusty window sills. very eeeky but we have an almost splendid view. beats the old boring gray mood!
 
okay, back to work! yeah, i’m almost finishing. yeah. yeah, just about.. er, 300 left cases to register. eck. in just another 53 minutes, i will be gone! AHAHAHAHA.
 
5:14pm -
doing this kind of entry gets the day running faster. hmm, i should do this more often! it’s dry and boring posts, but at least i’m distracted by something else other than those boring heaps of appeals that are keep stacking up.
 
#1 anyway, i was toying with the rosy-cheeked bunny that left from the arcade soft toys that Jason brought along on his last day, that D has on his table cos he think its cute and we kept teasing him that he should give it to the ‘ba ba’ (plump) girl who he thinks is cute over at the CUS side (which is literally behind us, separated by the reddish-pink panel!) and i was asking him ‘why dont you gave it to me, Derrick.’ and he laughed and say ‘wait till you become more ba, than maybe.’ HAHAHA, D is always so amusing.
 
#2 D suddenly stood up and says to me ‘hey the window is dirty’ (something which i just commented an hour ago and he answered back by asking me to go wipe the windows as one of my duties, pfft!)
 
so i looked at him and told him not to steal my line. and while at that, i stood up and try to open the window fastener.

me: ‘hey, can open!’
 
he: ‘hey dont do silly things, later you might fall over.’

somehow, i laughed (i laughed alot over work and nonsense everyday dont ask me why). he thinks for awhile and then says in a assuring tone, ‘but never mind, you’re not tall enough’, meaning to insult that i’m not tall enough to fall over the window sill in case i managed to open the window. @#$@#!
 
half an hour more yay! shit the 300 cases are not getting any lesser.

12:13am - Now
i’m back from Get Smart movie with Hao! i wanna find a good picture with The Rock inside but why i cant find any! anyway, the movie KICKASS. it’s damn good, everybody should go catch it and have a good laugh :) i havent enjoy such a good action-packed comedy in ages. and and, i totally heart The Rock - why - cos he is hot and Pa likes his movies. one of the reasons i wanna catch it, well this is it.

-

in between laughing while clutching my stomach, tears started to fill my eyes at a scene where The Rock was fighting. i was feeling the grief, of Pa not able to catch it with us, not able to enjoy what we were enjoying, and that he will never be here ever again - no matter how hard i was to pray, to hope, to wish, to cry. i felt so lost, so painful, so helpless, as i sat in the comfortable GV seats, with each scenes flashing in my eyes, laughter filling the entire theatre, i was lost. nothing could have describe the dull ache in my heart then. and then i was thinking, was i ever sure that Pa likes The Rock? fact is, i wasnt that sure. all i knew was, he was always watching WWF, a couple of The Rock movies - and then i had just assume that he likes that wrestler/actor. all along, it was just an assumption. i wasnt sure of what are his likes and dislikes, i never did take time to find out. never did i sit next to him and have a heart-to-heart talk, never did i asked if he was tired from a day’s work, does he need help ironing his clothes, washing his plates? does he need me to massage or scratch his back for him? - i never did take the initiative to ask. all along, i simply assumed. assumed that he was alright, assumed he doesnt need me, not my help, not my concerns. no wonder people always says that by assuming, you’re making an ass out of you and me. indeed. assumptions kills.

all along, i’m taking so many things for granted. i am always judging things by its cover. - just when will i ever learn?

i miss you so much everyday, every night, most often when i am alone. the times i cried, the despair, the guilt and remorse, there’s nothing i could do to salvage anything for you - you’re gone now, you will never come back. 8 months and counting, the clock just keep on ticking, it never stops. and the ache for you, had never once left.

Pa, i love you so much, could you have guess, even if i never once tell you face to face?

whats the point of writing it here, of crying, of blaming myself? - you will never come back, it’s all too late.

JUST WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN - i hate myself.