damn, my face is acting up again, tiny bumps all over the place! if there’s seriously such thing as a skin-change, i would go for it totally. these moments made me feel depressed (ha, like this is ever something new!)

these days, i’ve been talking happily about going over to yew tee to stay with my aunt during the weekdays so travelling time to and from clementi would be reduced more than twice, which is uber uber great. then today it hit me. they dont have internet connection. - which is why i feel like a inflated balloon right now. 

i’m going to the library tomorrow! two books down and i’m so hyped up to get more good reads :) 

i need to go out, breathe some grass and see some cotton blue skies. the fresh air, i expect it would do me good.

tomorrow is Monday, which means i will see him, which means it will be another complicated day. first day, and by the fifth, he will be gone.

be happy, okay? i need to be more discipline and not be so fickled-minded. it’s tiring. so, smile! and believe it will get better.

-

so you’re back. i hate the way you retort back the concerns at Ma tonight. what she is doing is simply out of plain concern. she just want to know if you’re back in Singapore safely, thats why she tried to call you on your mobile. she got nothing.

then, when you came back through the front door with your bags, she told you she tried to reach you but to no avail. 

and what did you replied? "what do you call me for? i’m still at batam."

out of the so many reasons why we dont get along, and we have nothing much to say to each other on bus rides, and why i am never that close to you, this topped the long never-ending list. she can choose not to care, not to ask, like how the rest of us dont really bother to, but she did, she cared, she want to know if her daughter is safe. - when she could choose not to, but the fact is, she does, becos she is your mother.

i wished i can say i’m close to you, we’re sisters, we’re supposed to be closer than anyone. but i’m feeling sorry that we might never be. we were once a teeny bit close, when Pa’s death brought us closer together, when we tried seeking comfort in each other tears and company, glad to have each other around. when the doors bang shut, leaving only the both of us inside the cold, white room, with Pa’s cold, lifeless body, that moment was something only both of us could understand. how we kneeled on the floor, crying, seeking for forgiveness, i thought we had something then.

i’m just sad, perhaps it’s still arent enough.

-

Dear Pa,

i want to be strong, to continue living my everydays to the fullest. i actually am living, but i know i’m just dragging each day by, with no motivation and no goals. i seemed to be just waiting for each day to end, and another to begin. i dont like the way i’m living right now. i got sulkier everyday, depressed even, then sad, then tell myself i must be positive and happy, and that was when i will force myself to inject some happy thoughts and be perkier, happier. it’s like a cycle. whenever i’m sad or angry, my brain will start filtering in some positivity. one minute i’m sad, the other will be happy, then i will become sad again cos i would think why cant i just feel what i really feel at the moment? it’s so contradicting. i’m angry at myself, angry with the world, angry with the unfairness in all sorts of small and big things, frustrated when things wont go my way, when i couldnt get what i longed for. i know i need to change, i need to change, i need to improve, i cant stay this way forever. i want to make you and Ma proud.

Dear Pa, what is Heaven like?

Dear Pa, it’s raining right now. i think i love rain. it suits my mood.

Dear Pa, I love you.