tired, a teeny bit stressed, achy and sad. hmm, depressed?

slightly.

somehow it’s hard to write and talk about what happened since thursday, but i still want to; the merest thought of the fact that he didnt bother to make sure i was home, scares and disappoints me. but thanks to D for making sure i was home first, he is such a cute boy, really.

WalaWala nightout on thursday, after work at Holland V. thursday starts out incredibly fun, cos we had plans for the evening and all of us were anticipating it. his gf decided to come along in the end - we didnt expect it cos she declined to come along last week though the plans ended up crushed cos of me. oh, she looks like the pic he had shown me weeks before, smart-looking perhaps? those shy, reserved types. 

we had dinner at Thai Express, and i sat across Z which feels weird cos unlike the usual meals, he had his gf sitting right next to him. throughout the meal, i was feeling very very sad. of cos i dont show it on my face and acted happy. but deep inside, it feels exactly like as if my heart is on the floor, and someone is stomping on it with heels. very very down. i should have expected it to be like this. i should have say i shouldnt go. 

the pub was high and packed by the time we sat at 9pm. the band, Unxpected, started getting everybody high by 930pm. the singer is really really good, and everyone fell in love with her voice. we had hoegarden beers, and shirley temple for me, and lychee martini for the gf. i think her name is seet yin or something, i choose not to remember haha. i sucked at chinese names anyway. and the fries is yummy, i like. so, the atmostphere was great, the company funny and cool, the appetizers delicious. Z sat across me again, and D and K were beside me. 

i dont know if i like the gf, judging by the fact that she went home mad with Z cos she thinks he was flirting too much with me. i didnt talk to her enough to draw a conclusion if i can click with her - it was certain and final that i couldnt, cos to her, i’m like the third party trying to push my way in between them. though it’s certain that i like her bf, i’m not so low and cheap to be a bitch like that. Z meant alot, sure, i like him alot. but i think i deserved better; not by snatching somebody else’s guy. it’s like not he have feelings for me too. this is a one-way thing.

it’s stupid but the truth always hurts.

friday was labeled the Goodbye Day 1. Jason’s and B’s (i dont like him so i dont bother typing his name) last day. it was sad to see Jason go as he was only there for 3 weeks and he is such a adorable boy - my god he has the cutest smiles! he gave everybody hello pandas and asked me to pick a soft toy from his mounting collection - he is awesome with those toy machines at arcades and i picked a winnie the pooh with winnie the pooh hands! it was sad that this is friendship that i’m probably saying goodbye forever too. but this is life isnt it? by next friday, history will repeat, and it will be another goodbye again. only that this second goodbye will probably be more heartfelt and upset.

i came home telling Jas everything, about those trapped feelings, fighting inside me. i told Mum today, even. i have such a lovely family who listens and gave great advices, i’m actually blessed.

this enough, isnt it? what more am i craving for? i’m forever so greedy, so unsatisfied, uncontented. i should self-reflect everyday. just now, Godfather was asking me for the second time when will school be starting, and he said i should work hard and stay focused totally. he says studying is good.  - which reminds me, i should simply concentrate on this heavy responsibility. i should think of nothing else.

all i should think of is school, money, working hard - and nothing else. the rest doesnt matter.

friday, he came grumping to be about his gf’s tantrum and accusations. i was helpless, happy (so sue me), and sad all the same time. such a combination always wonders me. how can i be feeling so contradictarily? so for the whole morning, i was helping him think of ways to get back into his gf’s good books. inside, i was thinking and angry for why should i have done those things? not that he appreciated it, not that i will make myself feel better. fact is, i confessed, a tiny part of me, i like the way the fact that his gf notices how he is treating me herself.

does this make me a bitch?

it’s just saddening, as i keep repeating to Ma today that we cant even be friends.

wish i know how you feel for me.

-

Dear Pa, Ma came home with the two needles today. sorry i was afraid to pull them out when she asked me to cos i was so scared that it would hurt, and i will be the cause. stupid to think of it this way i know. so in the end, i accompanied her downstairs and Gan ma helped to pull it out. i was surprised at how easy it was. next time, if she needs me again, i swear i wont be afraid to help anymore. i was thinking, if you were here, we wont be so afraid and you would be the one helping her take them off, and we wont have to resort to asking for help.  she cried today, she was upset, i know. but i couldnt do anything except to tell her, ‘they just wont understand.’ i was helpless and so useless.

i’m sorry Pa, Ma deserved so much better, doesnt she? please keep watching over her and sending her your blessings. i promise i will keep getting better. i love you.