monday has its usual dose of monday blues, happy chats, great but guilty, self-indulgenced food of SuperDog, crappy lame jokes, arguments, tickles, tears and laughter. more appeals and more paper wasted due to the punching of the wrong buttons and a stubborn stinky printer, more fruitless searches for missing documents that turned my table upside down (as if it needed anymore mess), more ‘hey help me’ pleads i flung at Z whenever he happened to come any 3 feet within me. whereby he will throw me the mock exasperated look and groan inwardly, ‘whats up nowwwwwww’, and with few mumbles of complains, would wheel the nearby chair over and took the piece of paper i was waving at him at the moment. he would read and proceed to call me stupid and explained, and without really listening, i would fling more annoying appeals into him arms and that was when he would give me a few giggling tickles and demand my attention. and continue to say something to add insults to my intelligence. ah.

it will then feel like a much brighter and fresher morning, and i will try to hide the dizzy happiness i was feeling at the moment.

today, i discovered that he got 2 tiny scars on his wrists, noticeable but barely. turns out that they were scratches left by his old cat when he tried to bring him into the shower. and there was another scar tissue made by his little sister. the small discoveries i made everyday, of him. it seems nothing to boast about, nothing to gawp about, nothing to swoon about, but it just makes me happy, that i’m knowing him more and more every single day. even these tiniest things that people wont care about.

right now, i’m just grabbing whatever tiny happiness i could take, and he could give. 

as weird as it might sound, i’m happy cos he bothered enough to ask me loads of questions about the guys in my life. he just wouldnt stop at an answer, he keep bugging me for more. somehow, i’m feeling drained right now cos he knows much more about me that i’m comfortable to give. i hated this feeling. i guess, i’m just not used to people i dont know for more than 3 months knowing the parts of my life i never would share with just anybody. but he was insistent, the kind that you cant help but drop your defenses and tell him whatever he wants to know. and though he is currently the this guy that i’m crushing on pathetically, i’m still uneasy about the things he knows about me. 

to add to insult, whenever i say something, he would laugh - those turn his back on me, crouch in his chair, with his back shaking silently that kind of laugh. very annoying you know!!!!!

but what to do, my defenses is so weak whenever it comes to him. this should stop surely. i should know that there’s no outcome surely, i should become hopeless surely. i should just cherish this friendship surely. and surely, surely, he is totally in love with his other half.

what do i like about this guy - the way he give me his full attention whenever i need to talk, i want to talk. the way he listens. haven i mention loads of times i totally dig fantastic listeners like him? someone who wouldnt mind giving me moments of his time anyday. someone who insults, speaks truthfully, honestly and gave advices - even if it meant after several rounds of insults on how stupid you are.

the way he nags, the way he took good care that you wont knock into something when walking, putting an arm around the back of your chair whenever he tries to explain something - it’s comforting. the kind of feeling i’ve been seeking for a very long time.

but he has a gf, and this is the neon red warning flashing STOP. surely, no one would want to ruin a perfectly ongoing relationship. surely, i dont want to be the bitch here who ends up confessing but only getting a cold shoulder in return.

surely surely, this takes time?

letting go, i mean.

Dear Pa,

i’m feeling guilty that i haven been writing about you recently. it’s all about Z and my wobbly feelings lately. it’s so wrong of me huh? i would like to take it as an infatuation that will die off soon. i hope. how are you up above? the weather’s horrible these days and i hope heaven is not like that. heaven should be that blissful, merry, bunch of joy of a place thats unlike earth. i hope you’re well taken care of. we miss you like crazy. 

i’m sorry that i hasnt been offering joss sticks at your altar like what Da and Ma did every morning and night. i’m guilty for not doing something that i’m actually perfectly capable of - it’s just whether i want to or not. and shamefully, i can count the number of times i did that with my ten fingers. but you wouldnt use this to judge how much i miss and love you, would you? i hope not. to me, nothing i could have done will replace the mistakes or guilt i still feel to this day. and hence, i never think that offering more joss sticks or whatsoever can undo the mistakes i’ve made. it’ve been 7 months, 30 days and counting, tomorrow it will be officially 8 months. it feels like nothing had changed, when everything had. it still feels so weird not to hear your shuffling footsteps every night or hear you flicking the tv and the fan on every morning by 6am.

i’m still so sorry for not cherishing and loving you when i had the chance. - just how sinned i am?

there had been so many second chances, but i choose to overlook and think there’s still time. i always forgot that time waits for no one. i always judge people too easily. 

watch us from above, Pa. watch over Ma.

signing off, i love you more than you’ll ever know.