i’m upset and happy at the same time today.

upset being, chats about family have been brought up again, by Z and i just feel like the worst daughter ever. could anyone possibly be any worser than me? i dont think so. i’m definitely one of the worst around. i could be better, but im not trying very hard there am i. i want to bring her happiness, i want to do her proud, but god knows why i seem to be doing anything but. i miss him like crazy but i’m just thinking out aloud, im not doing any actions to show it. i know i dont have to show my love and declared all around to everybody else who would listen that no, being slient doesnt mean that i have forgotten, or that i have flung out my wings and fly, no. being slient is cos i dont know how to show through my actions that i’m still livng in torment and guilt and stale memories everyday. i’m living through it like a nightmare, like a faraway daydream, like a wish in hope that he is still here. but he is not, and there is nothing i can do to bring him back again. when will i ever learn? when will i ever stop thinking about you? when will all these guilt fade? frankly, i wish they never. i want to remember. i want the pain to be embedded inside my soul, my heart. this is a lesson that i want to stick by forever and ever. 

i believe you’re up there watching us, Pa. i really believe so much. 

today Mum bought Xavier to the airport to play, and part of me knew that she is doing it so cos that was what you used to do - bringing our little darling around, especially to his favourite airport to ‘watch aeroplanes fly’ as you guys like to put it. did you watch him from there today? he is growing to be such a little lovable daredevil. with him, you cant help but to shake your head and want to laugh and cry at the same time. you know what? he still remembers details about you. i’m sure he misses you like we do.

terribly.

*
Mum helped me sew 2 of my too-big tops tonight and she is so very fantastic. how i truly appreciate every single thing she has done for us, only god and i knows it. 

i wish i got a elder sister who actually plays that role. but who knows? she just might be wishing for the very same thing about me.

*

today i’m happy cos Z and i talked alot. in a way, he is such a great listener and the way he ask you questions about yourself is one of the best bits i like about him. the way his words enlightens me, somehow, i thought with a pang today that perhaps never will i meet anyone quite like him again. 

work is always good while he is around - but what would come after the day we say goodbye?

life, is very ironic.