to you, my dear Pa:

how’s heaven treating you? i expect it to be this amazing, amazing beautiful place with a scenery ten times nicer than a postcard. it should be so wonderful that i cant even imagine it. a place where peace surrounds, where you can watch your favourite soccer games, drink your favourite beer, play your favourite chess, without worrying. i would like to imagine you being being free.

life hasnt been good so far these days, but i will be strong, and fight back. life hasnt been so good cos you’re not here with us. the ache in my heart, it’s constantly there. the longing to rub your rough palms, it’s constantly there. many times a day, i will wonder about you. wonder what you must be doing right now, and i will imagine your face, your smile, the way you feel. today i was just gazing up through my windows into the bright blue sky, dotted with clouds like cotton candy, and i thought of you. i gazed for moments too long, and as i watched, i was imagining you watching me, laughing at the stupid mistakes i’m making at work, shaking your head at this silly daughter of yours. when will i ever learn?, you could have thought. .. and then i realized, i’m thinking too faraway.

i had a talk with Z just the other day, sharing stories about you, and his Mum, and somehow, talking to someone who completely understands me, works. he understands, he knows how it feels. and right then at the moment i feel like i could cry. not many people can understand the cloud hanging over our heads, sure, they say they could, they say it will pass, they say i must be strong, they say you wouldnt want to see me like that, all broken and useless. they always says the same thing. be strong, it will get better, blah blah. but actually, to me, all these are just gibberish. they could imagine how it feels like, they can sympathize, they can show their concern, console you and such, but do they know, when they do that, i feel even worse. most of the time, i’m just seeking endless reassurance.

i know you wouldnt want to see me like that, i know you want the best for us. i know you want to be here too, it’s just that, you have to leave first. 

and Pa, you know what, Dajie is getting engaged on the 7th of September this year. i know you would want to be there too, i know.

Pa, i love you - if only time could rewind, and i would press stop. let it just stop at that moment forever and ever.