today left me feeling very accomplished and satisfied indeed. i managed to clear my stack of appeals and my workload that had somehow accumulated over the past few weeks are so much lighter now! despite the fact that i was so darn sleepy in the morning, despite the fact that the office was so empty and quiet, despite the fact that i did something so amazingly stupid again, i’m almost happy, right this moment.

the rain had stopped right now as i’m writing this. i forsee an incredibly cozy sleep tonight of cotton candy and dancing rabbits. haha! tomorrow will be a nicer day cos someone’s coming back! and lunch this afternoon was steaming noodles with just the right amount of spice. <3 guess what? i’m falling in love with food all over again.

i caught a bit of Heros with bro just now and the show’s really interesting. but still, not nice enough for me to watch it alone. haha, hopefully, tomorrow, he will watch again, so i can steal a peek.

the funniest thing happened today, on our way out to lunch by the customer officers’ back door:

i reached the door, twisted the door handle and swung it open, letting my colleagues out first.
i stepped outside and let the door closed.
paused.
realized something is amiss.
looked down.
.. AND REALIZED I HAD THE DOOR HANDLE IN MY HAND!!!!

the situation was so ridiculous and hilarious that it left us choking with laughter, our hands clutching our stomachs, body shaking, and me, sliding to the floor with tears running down my cheeks. IT WAS SO SO FUNNY that i was still laughing to myself on the train back and have to force myself to keep my face straight or else people will think i’m nuts!!!!!

i was so mortified that my colleague had to go in and attached the door handle back in place. sigh, all those ridiculous moments always seem to be happening only to me. D and TC were commenting that work is so fun when i’m around.. cos i made them laugh. and just yesterday, Z was saying the exact same thing! he went, ’sitting next to you, i will discover lots of wonders.’

.. i dont know if i should take it as a compliment or not, seriously.

but whatever it is, tomorrow he will be back!

i’m not hard to love.

to you, my dear Pa:

how’s heaven treating you? i expect it to be this amazing, amazing beautiful place with a scenery ten times nicer than a postcard. it should be so wonderful that i cant even imagine it. a place where peace surrounds, where you can watch your favourite soccer games, drink your favourite beer, play your favourite chess, without worrying. i would like to imagine you being being free.

life hasnt been good so far these days, but i will be strong, and fight back. life hasnt been so good cos you’re not here with us. the ache in my heart, it’s constantly there. the longing to rub your rough palms, it’s constantly there. many times a day, i will wonder about you. wonder what you must be doing right now, and i will imagine your face, your smile, the way you feel. today i was just gazing up through my windows into the bright blue sky, dotted with clouds like cotton candy, and i thought of you. i gazed for moments too long, and as i watched, i was imagining you watching me, laughing at the stupid mistakes i’m making at work, shaking your head at this silly daughter of yours. when will i ever learn?, you could have thought. .. and then i realized, i’m thinking too faraway.

i had a talk with Z just the other day, sharing stories about you, and his Mum, and somehow, talking to someone who completely understands me, works. he understands, he knows how it feels. and right then at the moment i feel like i could cry. not many people can understand the cloud hanging over our heads, sure, they say they could, they say it will pass, they say i must be strong, they say you wouldnt want to see me like that, all broken and useless. they always says the same thing. be strong, it will get better, blah blah. but actually, to me, all these are just gibberish. they could imagine how it feels like, they can sympathize, they can show their concern, console you and such, but do they know, when they do that, i feel even worse. most of the time, i’m just seeking endless reassurance.

i know you wouldnt want to see me like that, i know you want the best for us. i know you want to be here too, it’s just that, you have to leave first. 

and Pa, you know what, Dajie is getting engaged on the 7th of September this year. i know you would want to be there too, i know.

Pa, i love you - if only time could rewind, and i would press stop. let it just stop at that moment forever and ever.

so today, i wanna write a little song,
put it in my heart, write it full of your name,
tear it apart, mend it back again, say i like you,
- or would you have guessed?
though i knew, i can never have you, this feeling just keep on rolling.
i know, i’m such a fool for you

i have no idea why i’m penning down so many rubbish, but i just got the need to write, the urge to write before i go utterly insane and out of my mind. why are feelings often so unreasonable. can i not have these. can i dont feel in such a way. can i just throw these feelings swirling inside my heart back into your face? and worse, you dont even know, or care i think, even if you do know - but fact is, i will never let you know.

sigh, go on call me stupid, like you did everyday. go on, call me short like you did everyday. go on, insult me and make me feel like i’m not worth a single cent, like you did everyday. without fail. it’s like a broken tape recorder that never stops playing. sometimes, i dont know why i even bother. but i just do. and the weird thing was, the more you insult me, the more you pay attention to me, the more my giggles never stop. it had now become, i’m craving for the attention - it’s totally ARGH.

i’m feeling so disappointed in myself.

utter, utterly disappointment.

on a lighter note, we’re going to have a class outing this week, and i’m so looking forward to it! :) think movies and dinner night, and simple it may sound, but as usual, it’s the company i craved :)

uni payment is due next week, and i still havent talk to Mum about the payment mode issue - and if i should buy the insurance? suddenly, you know what, i’m anticipating school, meeting new people, lunching at new places, discovering new answers, immersing in loads of brand new things. i want to learn, i want to excel, i want to be a so much better person. i’m on the road of discovery!

life could be so much happier and exciting if i still want it to be.

reminder to self: stop spending, start saving!!!!!!