it’s a happy day, except that paperwork is totally starting to bore me. half to death. many a time, i found myself twirling in circles on my chair and gazing outside my window instead of doing what i was paid six per hour for. it’s a struggle, really.

tuesday going on wednesday, and i realized my feelings for this boy seems to be going in circles. i was laughing too much that i actually wanna cry, and i was too, enjoying myself rather too much. this, is also a struggle, a struggle to keep unnecessary emotions from overflowing. i knew i would be the one hurt in the end, no matter what the outcome turns out to be, and that is really the last thing i wanted to happen. but feelings and feelings, emotions are emotions, and you cant just say, ‘i will feel this way’ and then, everything will follow suit. or cant you? could someone teach me please.

-

is this the path that i’m really going to take in august? i feel like i’m standing at a crossroad. i feel empty. i feel confused. i feel.. scared. i feel lonely. till when will i have enough courage to face up to my decisions?

it’s like,

i have decided i’m no longer going to carry on this stupid and silly infatuation. to him, i’m just a naive and small girl who doesnt thinks. haven i long decided in the previous posts? then why this pain? i’m just not strong enough, i never was. it’s all talk and no action.

i have decided to go into this course, since it seems like god is giving me another chance, a chance to undo a mistake, a chance to start anew, a chance to give me more hope, a chance to achieve what i want. but i’m having doubts on my capabilites, i dont trust myself. and all thanks to all those remarks and comments given by my lovely colleagues, i could feel myself withdrawing, wanting to take the sweet handed out to me but being hesitant, being afraid.

i just need some strength. to be strong enough to walk through these remaining two months. thats all i’m asking for. i want to be able to have peace with myself at last.

; love is giving a person the power to hurt you.. but trusting him not to.