This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

it’s wednesday and i’ve just pop in an anti-biotic pill. for some reason, i’m counting the days off this week. monday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday - .. and then, it’s going to be friday. and then, the weekends will roll around with me sleeping most of it away and a fresh new week will start. only that it wasnt really that fresh cos the same old routine would start unfolding itself again.

my heart is aching.. sigh why is this so hard could someone tell me.

ignore and do the right thing. but the right thing is always the hardest.

it’s a happy day, except that paperwork is totally starting to bore me. half to death. many a time, i found myself twirling in circles on my chair and gazing outside my window instead of doing what i was paid six per hour for. it’s a struggle, really.

tuesday going on wednesday, and i realized my feelings for this boy seems to be going in circles. i was laughing too much that i actually wanna cry, and i was too, enjoying myself rather too much. this, is also a struggle, a struggle to keep unnecessary emotions from overflowing. i knew i would be the one hurt in the end, no matter what the outcome turns out to be, and that is really the last thing i wanted to happen. but feelings and feelings, emotions are emotions, and you cant just say, ‘i will feel this way’ and then, everything will follow suit. or cant you? could someone teach me please.

-

is this the path that i’m really going to take in august? i feel like i’m standing at a crossroad. i feel empty. i feel confused. i feel.. scared. i feel lonely. till when will i have enough courage to face up to my decisions?

it’s like,

i have decided i’m no longer going to carry on this stupid and silly infatuation. to him, i’m just a naive and small girl who doesnt thinks. haven i long decided in the previous posts? then why this pain? i’m just not strong enough, i never was. it’s all talk and no action.

i have decided to go into this course, since it seems like god is giving me another chance, a chance to undo a mistake, a chance to start anew, a chance to give me more hope, a chance to achieve what i want. but i’m having doubts on my capabilites, i dont trust myself. and all thanks to all those remarks and comments given by my lovely colleagues, i could feel myself withdrawing, wanting to take the sweet handed out to me but being hesitant, being afraid.

i just need some strength. to be strong enough to walk through these remaining two months. thats all i’m asking for. i want to be able to have peace with myself at last.

; love is giving a person the power to hurt you.. but trusting him not to.

today is monday, 2nd june and omg omg, it’s june already could you believe!

another 28 days, and 1/2 a year would have just slipped under our noses, and we wouldnt even notice it. this is reality, it’s so scary sometimes isnt it. if someone would to ask me, what have i accomplished for these 6 months.. seriously, i’m not able to think of an answer to defend myself that i wasnt slacking. these past year has been a blur. i cant keep track of what i always seem to be doing, be it mugging hard for exams during the first two months, contracting that awful chicken pox, spending a dull, sullen new year filled with movies and junkfood, which causes the first breakout a week later. now, i’m nursing the second breakout. (speaking of which, it was so bad that i’m feeling so terribly depressed and i even proceed to start eating my anti-biotics again.) - sigh. haven i been doing anything fruitful and worth putting down in colourful words? even graduation seem so faraway, and work at LS seems so so distant. i have alot of misses, plenty of uncountable ones but it was all thoughts and voice but no action. no effort in meeting up, or replying to texts nor simply keeping in touch with ‘how are yous’, ‘oh i miss yous’. mostly what i’m best at doing is to whine and simply sit there doing absolutely nothing about it, except to rant, to kick up some fuss to anyone who would listen at the moment. it’s pathetic, really.

and i am so so broke right now that i feel it’ve been a really bad day though i laughed so much till i choked on my distilled water today, and he had to pat on my back mulitple times to get my windpipe clear again.

 

; i cant believe Father Day’s coming soon, i just cant.

monday, i swear, it’s going to be a much much better day.

gone will be the days i turned away, disappointed, envious, jealous, unhappy, upset, angry.

i will be perky, cheerful, smiley and laughing all the way.

heh, well, hope that would really happen or make that a very sulky me. :)

p.s. i’m just dying for some good fruitful shopping! sigh, and my complexion still sucks. the green mask and apirin didnt help much *pout*

but, to the hell with it!

.
.
.

.. as if.

many times a night, i will wonder alot of things. wonder how such things can take a turn and end up this way. wonder how at one point of time, couldnt i have done something to salvage it, or at least, try to do something, say something? but most of the time, i just choose to ignore this thorn jabbing into my back, just let it be.

for some reason or so, this time round, i want to do something, salvage something, change something. i dont want another wave of regrets and longing to hit me later. but yet, i know i shouldnt move forward in this, i shouldnt change anything though i badly want to. i guessed, i’m being afraid of the outcome, i’m a coward, i’m just a coward.

i hate the way i have to be all the time, being so guarded everytime i speak to you, i cant show you the most inner part of me, i have to pull the cover on and hide, just so you wouldnt know.

hello there,
it’s the night again.
everytime at this hour, you would be under your covers, in your sweet slumber.
what are you dreaming of right now?

i cant help, but want to know, do i have a place in your heart, if not just one tiny corner.

.. but i guess, not.

one step away, baby steps. i will get through this. i have more important things to achieve and look forward to, i tell myself.