damn, my face is acting up again, tiny bumps all over the place! if there’s seriously such thing as a skin-change, i would go for it totally. these moments made me feel depressed (ha, like this is ever something new!)

these days, i’ve been talking happily about going over to yew tee to stay with my aunt during the weekdays so travelling time to and from clementi would be reduced more than twice, which is uber uber great. then today it hit me. they dont have internet connection. - which is why i feel like a inflated balloon right now. 

i’m going to the library tomorrow! two books down and i’m so hyped up to get more good reads :) 

i need to go out, breathe some grass and see some cotton blue skies. the fresh air, i expect it would do me good.

tomorrow is Monday, which means i will see him, which means it will be another complicated day. first day, and by the fifth, he will be gone.

be happy, okay? i need to be more discipline and not be so fickled-minded. it’s tiring. so, smile! and believe it will get better.

-

so you’re back. i hate the way you retort back the concerns at Ma tonight. what she is doing is simply out of plain concern. she just want to know if you’re back in Singapore safely, thats why she tried to call you on your mobile. she got nothing.

then, when you came back through the front door with your bags, she told you she tried to reach you but to no avail. 

and what did you replied? "what do you call me for? i’m still at batam."

out of the so many reasons why we dont get along, and we have nothing much to say to each other on bus rides, and why i am never that close to you, this topped the long never-ending list. she can choose not to care, not to ask, like how the rest of us dont really bother to, but she did, she cared, she want to know if her daughter is safe. - when she could choose not to, but the fact is, she does, becos she is your mother.

i wished i can say i’m close to you, we’re sisters, we’re supposed to be closer than anyone. but i’m feeling sorry that we might never be. we were once a teeny bit close, when Pa’s death brought us closer together, when we tried seeking comfort in each other tears and company, glad to have each other around. when the doors bang shut, leaving only the both of us inside the cold, white room, with Pa’s cold, lifeless body, that moment was something only both of us could understand. how we kneeled on the floor, crying, seeking for forgiveness, i thought we had something then.

i’m just sad, perhaps it’s still arent enough.

-

Dear Pa,

Dear Pa, I love you.

sunday, and i think i’m feeling better. :)

woke up as early as 830am, washed up, scrubbed teeth, popped a few Tasty sticks into my mouth, and propped down onto the floor to read Second Chance Saloon, another chicklit by Marian Keys - i’ve finished Anybody Out There and it’s almost fantastic.

had a terrible dream about me killing someone and my secondary school’s principal is chasing after me, appearing inside my house suddenly when i looked in through the window %$^$^$

funnily enough, i keep visualising them hiking together all morning, how i would love to be in her shoes, that i tire myself out cos i fell back into a disturb sleep in the end and is only refreshed and awake by 1pm. oh i’m being so ridiculous here, so slap me.

i keep thinking if i should get the black top that i really, really like. le sigh! money woes, temptation is so hugeeee and such a sin.

caught Wanted with Char on friday, and now i’m craving for more movies!

it had been a few days i last talked to J, and now, it’s my turn to feel uneasy - weird eh?

seriously, i can do with another nightout at WalaWala - what will the guys say if they knew this? hahaha, i cannot imagine!

maybe, i need to date Rene out for something soon.

had a talk again just now, and perhaps, it’s right. it’s not written in the stars, and there’s no fate.

oh, i’m just feeling pouty, but it will pass - now the most important thing is - lunch!

he just said bye to me on MSN, and called me a atker when i didnt reply his ‘hey i go sleep’ reply. i didnt reply cos i’m feeling petty and sulky that we only been talking for a little more than half an hour. and he is going hiking with gf tomorrow. whats wrong? whats the twitch i’m feeling in my heart now?

i’ve never felt such a painful goodbye in a long time.

i need to upgrade to 60% by tomorrow morning. i have heard enough, so say goodbye ok?

tired, a teeny bit stressed, achy and sad. hmm, depressed?

slightly.

somehow it’s hard to write and talk about what happened since thursday, but i still want to; the merest thought of the fact that he didnt bother to make sure i was home, scares and disappoints me. but thanks to D for making sure i was home first, he is such a cute boy, really.

WalaWala nightout on thursday, after work at Holland V. thursday starts out incredibly fun, cos we had plans for the evening and all of us were anticipating it. his gf decided to come along in the end - we didnt expect it cos she declined to come along last week though the plans ended up crushed cos of me. oh, she looks like the pic he had shown me weeks before, smart-looking perhaps? those shy, reserved types. 

we had dinner at Thai Express, and i sat across Z which feels weird cos unlike the usual meals, he had his gf sitting right next to him. throughout the meal, i was feeling very very sad. of cos i dont show it on my face and acted happy. but deep inside, it feels exactly like as if my heart is on the floor, and someone is stomping on it with heels. very very down. i should have expected it to be like this. i should have say i shouldnt go. 

the pub was high and packed by the time we sat at 9pm. the band, Unxpected, started getting everybody high by 930pm. the singer is really really good, and everyone fell in love with her voice. we had hoegarden beers, and shirley temple for me, and lychee martini for the gf. i think her name is seet yin or something, i choose not to remember haha. i sucked at chinese names anyway. and the fries is yummy, i like. so, the atmostphere was great, the company funny and cool, the appetizers delicious. Z sat across me again, and D and K were beside me. 

i dont know if i like the gf, judging by the fact that she went home mad with Z cos she thinks he was flirting too much with me. i didnt talk to her enough to draw a conclusion if i can click with her - it was certain and final that i couldnt, cos to her, i’m like the third party trying to push my way in between them. though it’s certain that i like her bf, i’m not so low and cheap to be a bitch like that. Z meant alot, sure, i like him alot. but i think i deserved better; not by snatching somebody else’s guy. it’s like not he have feelings for me too. this is a one-way thing.

it’s stupid but the truth always hurts.

friday was labeled the Goodbye Day 1. Jason’s and B’s (i dont like him so i dont bother typing his name) last day. it was sad to see Jason go as he was only there for 3 weeks and he is such a adorable boy - my god he has the cutest smiles! he gave everybody hello pandas and asked me to pick a soft toy from his mounting collection - he is awesome with those toy machines at arcades and i picked a winnie the pooh with winnie the pooh hands! it was sad that this is friendship that i’m probably saying goodbye forever too. but this is life isnt it? by next friday, history will repeat, and it will be another goodbye again. only that this second goodbye will probably be more heartfelt and upset.

i came home telling Jas everything, about those trapped feelings, fighting inside me. i told Mum today, even. i have such a lovely family who listens and gave great advices, i’m actually blessed.

this enough, isnt it? what more am i craving for? i’m forever so greedy, so unsatisfied, uncontented. i should self-reflect everyday. just now, Godfather was asking me for the second time when will school be starting, and he said i should work hard and stay focused totally. he says studying is good.  - which reminds me, i should simply concentrate on this heavy responsibility. i should think of nothing else.

all i should think of is school, money, working hard - and nothing else. the rest doesnt matter.

friday, he came grumping to be about his gf’s tantrum and accusations. i was helpless, happy (so sue me), and sad all the same time. such a combination always wonders me. how can i be feeling so contradictarily? so for the whole morning, i was helping him think of ways to get back into his gf’s good books. inside, i was thinking and angry for why should i have done those things? not that he appreciated it, not that i will make myself feel better. fact is, i confessed, a tiny part of me, i like the way the fact that his gf notices how he is treating me herself.

does this make me a bitch?

it’s just saddening, as i keep repeating to Ma today that we cant even be friends.

wish i know how you feel for me.

-

Dear Pa, Ma came home with the two needles today. sorry i was afraid to pull them out when she asked me to cos i was so scared that it would hurt, and i will be the cause. stupid to think of it this way i know. so in the end, i accompanied her downstairs and Gan ma helped to pull it out. i was surprised at how easy it was. next time, if she needs me again, i swear i wont be afraid to help anymore. i was thinking, if you were here, we wont be so afraid and you would be the one helping her take them off, and we wont have to resort to asking for help.  she cried today, she was upset, i know. but i couldnt do anything except to tell her, ‘they just wont understand.’ i was helpless and so useless.

i’m sorry Pa, Ma deserved so much better, doesnt she? please keep watching over her and sending her your blessings. i promise i will keep getting better. i love you.

how does it feels like to have Z around the whole day?

frankly, incredibly, amazingly, i still love it. i feel like immersing myself in the company of him everyday. it’s only 6 days more and counting.

today is crammed with shrieks and laughter, my new silent screams whenever he start his tickling attacks (i have resort to keeping my noise level down cos we got complained for being too noisy), eclipse mints in peppermint, hot milo from Coffee and Toast in the morning (my treat cos i owe Z a coffee) and Macs of chicken mcnuggets, fries and green tea, SWOONS.

we did loads of talking too, he being too tired cos he stayed up last night to coax me out of my emo-ness while teaching his sister maths, and i being grumpy cos of the blues and those emo leftovers. i was telling him, i hate him cos he always have the answers to everything, he is always so logical, calm and practical. his answers are always that frigging standard, like something copied and printed ten times from a textbook. he says thats becos he dont know what i’m asking. he knows i want to hear a particular answer, but since he doesnt understand what i’m asking, what i’m rambling about, he couldnt give it to me. - thats the kind of person he is to me; someone who is always so collected, always right on track. but he assures me he is not, he is just picking up the pieces and driving himself forward. everyone has his moments, he says.

i am his admirer.

today, i held on his hand a little longer than usual, i was so afraid to let go. i dont want to let go. 6 days more. i cant imagine how it will feel like without him nagging beside me, calling me childish and stupid, laughing at me, mocking me, his flashes of amused smiles, images of him clutching his stomach and laughing, him telling me stories, or any knowledge that i find so incredibly impressive cos he knows so much. there are endless things about him that i can go on discovering forever, like a present that will take ages to finish unwrapping.

6 more days, i have to keep my feelings in check.

what should be coming to an end, is unstoppable. now, 45% maybe?

-

currently reading Anybody Out There by Marian Keys and i’m lovin’ it :)

one word, tired.

i feel like the air has been knock out from me, leaving my brain fuzzy and incredibly sleepy - and suddenly, i’m so tired that i dont want to think. im amazed that i’m still equipped with the energy and focus to type these right now. but i think i need to type something, i need to clear something from my head.

it’s official, 11th july will be my last day, and 4th will be his.

a week earlier.

5 days.

i’m secretly wishing and praying and hoping that something would happen that will get him to change his mind about leaving a week before i do. but i think it will be pointless wishing. when did good things really happen to me when i want it?

i wished i had kept my big mouth shut when he asked if there a difference if he left earlier. he seems to want me to blurt out, ‘yes you. you’re the difference. please stay.’ - but what had i replied instead? that of cos there’s no difference. in a cool, i-dont-care voice. and that was when he promptly agreed and walked off to tell our head about his decision.

sigh, you will never guess how regretful i’m feeling right now. damn for not thinking thrice before i open my big fat mouth!

now, we are left with one week, three days. 7 days (6 if he decides to a 1-day leave) and we will be officially saying goodbye.

it will be good cos it might strike a big blow into my heart. thus clearing away all vibes of heartache i’m feeling for him, but then again, i will miss him like crazy.

forever goodbye is not a laughing matter, though it seems like the best ending. - what do i expect? what can i expect?

please god, make him stay. just for another week.

-

some things are just not meant to be. 40% now ok? i just have to believe that better things will come my way. why worry? why sulking? why heart-aching?

i need to grip tightly to this belief.

tomorrow, it will all be clearer, tomorrow will be another day, tomorrow will be another set of feelings. tomorrow, i will see the reason behind all these.

i keep stalling.

i keep wanting to do something, anything. anything but sitting down here, listlessly staring at whether he is still here. he is totally turning me into this fool i am. i deserve to be called a fool. but i guess, something have to go. i cant stay like this forever, for the next few days, next few weeks, pinning and longing over nothing, something that i cant have.

i dont understand how someone can be the best damn thing that ever happened to me be such a thorn in my heart.

i’m not exactly making sense here i know. just why am i so easily affected, strung upon i dont know either. i guessed it’s in me, ha. the naive, gullible me. who gets happy and excited and touched over the tiniest things. i need to be someone harder. i need to become more immune to such unwanted vulnerability. i need to say goodbye with my head held high.

now he is offline, i should be relieved. no more checking again and again. but whoever makes the rule to say that he must be the one who talk to me and not the other way around?

guess i got more to learn.

i’m always the fool. it’s time to let go. it’s hard, but 30% first maybe?

-

i love food. i love sleeping. this weekend, i’ve been eating more than usual and having endless sleep. i’m feeling rather refreshed and happy - but fat, haha. i need my happy pill.

-

Ma, please get better and healthier. i’m praying everyday.

Pa, i’m still thinking of you, you’re in my mind, unforgettable.

Da, i think i cant wait for your most important day :) and i cant wait to wear the same colour dress as Jas so people would know we’re the sisters of the bride!

Xavier baby, get better, you cheeky loveable adorable boy.

what doesnt kill me, will make me stronger.

too often we dont realize what we have until its gone
too often we wait too late to say, ‘i’m sorry, i’m wrong’
sometimes it seems we’ve hurt the ones we hold dearest to our hearts
and allow foolish things to get to tear our lives apart
far too many times we let unimportant things get into our minds
and by then its usually too late to see what made us blind
so be sure you let people know how much they mean to you
take the time to say the words before your time is through
be sure you appreciate everything you’ve got and be thankful for the little things in life that meant alot

just chanced upon this, and may it be a reminder to myself.

-

didnt know what got to me exactly.

when KH asked me why was i depressed, i couldnt help but blurted out what was wrong. only after i clicked SENT, i realized how ignorant and selfish i must have sound - telling someone who told me he had a crush on me my problem about another guy. so that is the selfish, insensitive me.

i’m having this swirls of emotions that’s turning me into jelly.

there’s this thought suddenly - should i make a confession i might just regret?

i want to text him, i want to click on his window on MSN and type something whilst hitting ENTER, i want to call him to ask him where he is and what he is doing now.

am i pathetic or what, the devil in me says.

nah, just heart broken, the angel retort.

WHY AM I SO FICKLE ONE!!! *pissed*

1. i dont know why, but i just want to write and write and write.

2. i feel like sighing, but it’s a happy day, rather than a sad one, and i dont wish to waste it away by sulking. and whining. and complaining.

3. i’m watching the taiwanese superstar show right now and it’s so sad. i hate goodbyes and partings.

4. he is not online right now, and that makes me even sulkier hahaha, gosh am i pathetic or what? :(

5. Jas bought me honey milk tea today, and amusingly, she doesnt realized she is actually the cause of the fight between Mum and me - until just now when she called me. but we’re okay now and yay to sisters.

6. i need movies, i need some popcorn, i need some laughs and some new memories.

7. i think i’m going to have lots of laugh lines and wrinkles now - all thanks to the never-ending giggles and outburst of laughter at work.

8. tomorrow is Friday, and that means dress-down days - hooray, i get to wear my T-shirt and denim!

9. i’m so slacked at work this week that i’m constantly either dozing off with my palm against the crook of my neck, or finding myself engaging in chats with work gang. i’m such a pig yeah!

10. lunch = good food these days. just earlier this week, we had Thai Express and yesterday, we even went down to Bugis (my suggestion) to have the yummy omelette rice that cost $7.50 a plate! rather costly for a foodcourt meal. in the end, we headed back to work late cos of the heavy downpour and we slacked at IP’s BK till 3 plus. awesome, cos time truly flies. :D

11. we talked, we talked, and we talked. it was lovely. i find chats with you incredibly fascinating. everyday, we have a new topic to explore. i feel that i’ve known you forever. it was very lovely. i love the way you tease me, poke me, make fun of me, sit close to me, the way you always pull me away from walking disasters, like an incoming car, or some random passer-by. it was very very lovely.

12. but everything has its end.

13. and we are nearing the THE END sign. 2 more weeks, you say? i dont even dare to ask you properly or think about it. it simply hurts. here, my heart, is aching.

14. i know i had mention million of times my feelings about Z, a zillion times in fact - that the feelings are wavering ones. i just need to write, just leave me to write so i can one day (hopefully) sort this out, straighten this mess.

15. sigh.

16. i know i’m hopeless, useless, and such a pain-in-the-neck!

17. 11:58PM and he is still not online - argh why do i even bother

18. i need some texts, someone, anyone, to tell me that i’ve been missed. thank you.

p.s. i feel like changing my livejournal name! heh.

back and sleepy and hungry - i even had abit of gastric ugh ugh ugh. what can i say, im hungry!

today was good, almost. cos someone totally made my day as usual. sometimes i think i like him as a brother, sometimes i think he is nothing but a colleague, while other times, i fell completely in love.

omg, stab me please.

i made a decision not to join the guys out for pubbing and dinner - and they in turn decide to postpone the date to next week for me. - made me happy and a teeny bit touched really, heh.

now, they have stooped low enough to start calling me ‘cute’ at every chance they got - ever since i told them how offensive i find the word. argh, it seriously sound like sarcasm to me!

p.s. relationship with Mum gets a teeny bit better this morning - she wish me good day!

to you:
you will never understand how appreciative i feel whenever you sit down beside me and listens. you’re such a great listener who gave great advices. i appreciate how you called me this morning after i sent you the text saying i might not be joining for dinner, just to check that i’m coming to work today. i was walking behind you this morning, at the mrt station. but i didnt call out to you - you were too fast. so there i was, staring at your backview in wonder. i was just at the lift when you called me. i assumed you called me immediately after you reached and noticed i’m not at my seat. and then, when i reached, you came and wheeled the chair over and sit down and started asking me what happened. the look of concern in your eyes, the way you cared, the way you consoled me just by sitting beside me when i dont want to talk - and there you stayed, not even going down to get your breakfast like usual. you even swop seats just to sit beside me the whole day. i do wonder you know, wonder what these actions meant. i dont wish to get my hopes up over nothing - cos the way i’m feeling is never constant, and the way you react differs. i even wonder to the extent how well you treated your gf. but part of me knows, to you, i’m simply a friend/colleague. i’m sorry it’s so pathetic, but the truth always does hurts doesnt it. - ?

to J:
thank you for the text this morning at 8am in the morning that goes:

good morning, addy! been a few days since i last talked to you, dont know why am i feeling so uneasy. well, just to wish you a great day ahead! =)

aw, i’m blinded by your sweetness. and the thought of getting medicine for me when i told you about my gastric, you know what, it counts so so much.

-

p.s.and i’m pretty happy that rene ask me out for beer and cake! hahahaha :)

i’m feeling rather like shit tonight. it’s so horrible that i simply just flopped onto the bed the moment i took off my shoes - disgusting i know - but i dont care, really.

i hate conflicts, i hate it when i want to explain something but in the end, i cant cos the words just wouldnt pop out from my mouth - resulting in even more misunderstandings and disputes. i’m sorry, hey i’m just not that brave sometimes. when was i actually brave? indeed. question mark.

i hate money problems; but for the longest time ever, this problem has been tagging around, playing and repeating like a broken record. it never leaves, it just keep coming back. once bitter, twice shy, they say, i could feel the bite too, but it only sting momentarily, and i will forgot about it after some time. i’m so disgusted with myself.

have i mentioned? i hate myself, i really do.

-

horror stories today, and i love these moments. coffee breaks, lunches, walks, talks, pokes, giggles, retorts, insults - i wonder how much i will miss it one month later.

the realization of school in aug strucks me now, i wonder if not feeling that excited is a sin. it has to be. and i’m such a sinner.

if only we can turn back time, ha.

he came to say bye and to sleep early, so that i wont fell asleep on the table like today.

tuesday; sunny, hot, happy, angry, sad, quiet, cheerful, troubled.

i finished my 140 successful letters today, and boy, come to think of it, the process was pretty fun. now, whats left is slotting them into envelopes and glueing with the lousy glue and scribbling S53 at the right bottom corner of the white paper. then, i will be officially done!

thai express for lunch today, and honey chicken rice is pretty good. but if this kind of expensive lunching continues, i will be totally broke before the weekends! pfffttt. anyway we’re making plans to head down to holland v on thursday and i pray that it will be fun.

i love it when we talk endlessly, huddling in a corner, laughter exploding - i’m blessed with awesome colleagues though at times i would do without a smart-alec remark you know!

-

i’m feeling petty and pouty cos we are all online, but not talking. it’s so silly, this feeling, and now he’s offline, and i get annoyed. it always takes 2 hands to clap i know. but i’m not exactly trying to make myself hopeful. in the end, it will all be in vain. - so whats the point now?

what am i trying to see - sigh

on a happier note, yay we’ll be welcoming a new HP laptop into the family! and i found the oil control powder at watsons at a cheap price of $1.95 just now! and of cos, bacon and cheese balls never failed to make a dull day so much brighter. <3

someone says that my eyebags is looking terrible, guess thats what making me turn in early tonight :)

tomorrow, the next day when my eyes fell on you first thing in the morning - i will be smiling and saying hey

OMG HE IS BACK ONLINE AND TALKING TO ME

i’m upset and happy at the same time today.

upset being, chats about family have been brought up again, by Z and i just feel like the worst daughter ever. could anyone possibly be any worser than me? i dont think so. i’m definitely one of the worst around. i could be better, but im not trying very hard there am i. i want to bring her happiness, i want to do her proud, but god knows why i seem to be doing anything but. i miss him like crazy but i’m just thinking out aloud, im not doing any actions to show it. i know i dont have to show my love and declared all around to everybody else who would listen that no, being slient doesnt mean that i have forgotten, or that i have flung out my wings and fly, no. being slient is cos i dont know how to show through my actions that i’m still livng in torment and guilt and stale memories everyday. i’m living through it like a nightmare, like a faraway daydream, like a wish in hope that he is still here. but he is not, and there is nothing i can do to bring him back again. when will i ever learn? when will i ever stop thinking about you? when will all these guilt fade? frankly, i wish they never. i want to remember. i want the pain to be embedded inside my soul, my heart. this is a lesson that i want to stick by forever and ever. 

i believe you’re up there watching us, Pa. i really believe so much. 

today Mum bought Xavier to the airport to play, and part of me knew that she is doing it so cos that was what you used to do - bringing our little darling around, especially to his favourite airport to ‘watch aeroplanes fly’ as you guys like to put it. did you watch him from there today? he is growing to be such a little lovable daredevil. with him, you cant help but to shake your head and want to laugh and cry at the same time. you know what? he still remembers details about you. i’m sure he misses you like we do.

terribly.

*
Mum helped me sew 2 of my too-big tops tonight and she is so very fantastic. how i truly appreciate every single thing she has done for us, only god and i knows it. 

i wish i got a elder sister who actually plays that role. but who knows? she just might be wishing for the very same thing about me.

*

today i’m happy cos Z and i talked alot. in a way, he is such a great listener and the way he ask you questions about yourself is one of the best bits i like about him. the way his words enlightens me, somehow, i thought with a pang today that perhaps never will i meet anyone quite like him again. 

work is always good while he is around - but what would come after the day we say goodbye?

life, is very ironic.

i just realized today is Happy Father’s Day.

Pa, are you celebrating in heaven right now? i hope you are. today is one of your day too.
nothing i could say here that could describe how i feel. words failed me terribly. but here i am, wishing that i could still feel you. i still believe that one day, we will meet again, high above the clouds. wait for me will you?

Pa, Happy Father’s Day. - I love you

-

i’m looking forward to monday and J just called me crazy cos of that. :) you know, suddenly, i can see myself taking a step together with him. but let’s not be hasty here and let nature take its course. 

today was awesome cos i did washing-up with my bare hands of all the black clothes hanging in the bathroom! and i cleared up 50% of the mess from my bed. i didnt sleep at all in the afternoon and i’ve even managed to catch up with my book, The Amber Spyglass - i’ve been putting it off for far too long.

and as much as i want to go out and immense myself in the beckoning arms of GSS, i’m forcing myself to stay home so i can save some money. i’m very broke now, indeed. :(

something random, i love this layout cos it totally hide the advert till the end. yay to layouts and talented people! <3

oh yes, i caught It’s a Boy Girl Thing movie on HBO just now during dinner of ban mian + red ruby dessert and it was totally sweet. nothing beats a saturday night spent at home with good food and great company of sister, bro and baby :) - and a great movie too! i like.
 

my saturday now = sleeping/resting day

i woke up at 3pm today, with disturbed dreams that matched my worries. dreams are sometimes something isnt it? they are actually somewhat fragments of your sub-consciousness. and i had microwave roti-prata just now with hot milo which are totally simple but amazing. going to eat that fried egg that Jas had just nicely toss up for me now.

and task of the day would be tidying up my pigsty of a bed. yes i shall go now.

 i just wanna say, you’re in my mind right now. <3

 i’m worried about Mum’s health. god, please bless her. please.

my thursday and friday this week have both been awesome days :)

thursday kick off with this damn annoying phone call from a 69 year old woman, who claims she is a woman but her voice totally suggests otherwise!!! deep throaty manly voice, is she trying to kid me? anyway i was so pissed off cos she kept harping on why i send her the letter and am i trying to ask trouble from her? #%^%$# in the first place, if you dont call up to say you want to appeal, would i even bother to send you a piece of paper that i’ve just waste 5 minutes of my life to type, check, print, fold, slot and seal? think again, you crazy she-man.

but i was happy cos the problem was all settled and KY taught me bridge after that in the office. we played 3 rounds during lunch in the kopitiam and it was rather fun.. despite my noobs moments of asking constantly which cards i should put =x. after lunch, it was really slacked and we gathered around to talk. moments like these are really <3. this is what i will miss when our contract ends and we will just head off to different lives after that. sad, isnt it? but this is life - no banquet will last forever. i should know that there is nothing in life that i cannot learn to put down.

dinner at new york new york with class gang and we watched Hulk after that. though not everyone showed up, i had my fill of fun.

during the movie, i sat between J and S. somehow, i was incredibly conscious and acutely aware that i’m sitting between the two guys that i’ve been rather fond of and vice versa. it was scary, and it feels abit surreal, like this kind of situations only happens in imaginations. but yet, it happened last night. i like it how S would wait for me in the mrt station without me asking, so we can go to the e-hub together. i like how J would smile at me and say he didnt fall asleep for the first time in movies cos i was sitting beside him; i like it how he would msg me the moment i got off the bus with S. i like it when S insisted on sending me home. - sighed. complicated isnt it? and then, there was the conflicting feelings i had for Z. i think i’m just asking for trouble when it comes to relationship problems. but frankly speaking, after this 10 sentences MSN chat i had with Z just a minute ago, the feelings i had towards him doesnt seems so strong like the last time when my heart will start thumping excitedly upon seeing his window blink. - really a crush perhaps. right now, it just feels fun to make him annoyed with me. i’m getting really addicted to doing that. resulting in a series of shrieks when he poked me out of irritation hahahaha.

today at work, he called me 3 times, yes again, cos i took the morning off to submit the school fees for Econs course with Mum. they waited for me for lunch, how nice. :) i just feel that it’s weird, these feelings i could have for all these guys in my life. - K, JL, G, S, J, E, and now, Z. - more than one at the same time. i dont know what am i really seeking, what do i really want. this remains a question mark. i’m looking for perfection, perfection that doesnt exists so shoot me please. or slap me awake.

it’s hard to imagine how at one point or moment in my life, i could have some happiness solely belonging to me but i just choose to run and hide. the cowardy way.

say hello to this fickled coward.

-

and yes, it’s FINALLY concluded that i’m going to take up Diploma in Econs this august. suck it in and work it out!

i simply cannot disappoint. - there’s no turning back. i had my blood down on that cheque with the 4-figured number.

p.s. J just says i’m skinny! i find it amusing i dont know why :)

someone who compliments me frequently - seriously, i could get used to this. you’re spoiling me for wanting more.

it finally got to me why i like your hands so much. you have feminine hands. :)

it’s funny the way you agreed with me today when i blurted out that your hands looks weird. and it’s even funnier when it was you who said the word feminine. i still cant get over how much you laugh when D told you about the door situation that happened yesterday. and you said in your eyes, i already ‘cannot make it’, and now, this only makes your opinion of me go downwards below negative. your nerve! but i have to admit you’re absolutely right. i’m this pathetic. and quoted from you, ‘i may look smart, but i’m actually far worse.’ first impressions doesnt always counts. and i’m the perfect example.

i cant get over how come i’m always landing myself in these kind of situations. is it me.. or i’m just plain unlucky?

feelings are funny things. on and off it goes, like a switch. it hit me today that perhaps my feelings for you are just cos you happen to be here at this time. at this moment, i can only lay my eyes on you cos there’s no one else. but your gf is one lucky girl, i still wanna say.

and nevertheless, i’m glad you’re back.

movie and dinner date tomorrow, life is just getting a teeny weeny bit better.

p.s. i seriously need to get my uni application settled by monday!

today left me feeling very accomplished and satisfied indeed. i managed to clear my stack of appeals and my workload that had somehow accumulated over the past few weeks are so much lighter now! despite the fact that i was so darn sleepy in the morning, despite the fact that the office was so empty and quiet, despite the fact that i did something so amazingly stupid again, i’m almost happy, right this moment.

the rain had stopped right now as i’m writing this. i forsee an incredibly cozy sleep tonight of cotton candy and dancing rabbits. haha! tomorrow will be a nicer day cos someone’s coming back! and lunch this afternoon was steaming noodles with just the right amount of spice. <3 guess what? i’m falling in love with food all over again.

i caught a bit of Heros with bro just now and the show’s really interesting. but still, not nice enough for me to watch it alone. haha, hopefully, tomorrow, he will watch again, so i can steal a peek.

the funniest thing happened today, on our way out to lunch by the customer officers’ back door:

i reached the door, twisted the door handle and swung it open, letting my colleagues out first.
i stepped outside and let the door closed.
paused.
realized something is amiss.
looked down.
.. AND REALIZED I HAD THE DOOR HANDLE IN MY HAND!!!!

the situation was so ridiculous and hilarious that it left us choking with laughter, our hands clutching our stomachs, body shaking, and me, sliding to the floor with tears running down my cheeks. IT WAS SO SO FUNNY that i was still laughing to myself on the train back and have to force myself to keep my face straight or else people will think i’m nuts!!!!!

i was so mortified that my colleague had to go in and attached the door handle back in place. sigh, all those ridiculous moments always seem to be happening only to me. D and TC were commenting that work is so fun when i’m around.. cos i made them laugh. and just yesterday, Z was saying the exact same thing! he went, ’sitting next to you, i will discover lots of wonders.’

.. i dont know if i should take it as a compliment or not, seriously.

but whatever it is, tomorrow he will be back!

i’m not hard to love.

to you, my dear Pa:

how’s heaven treating you? i expect it to be this amazing, amazing beautiful place with a scenery ten times nicer than a postcard. it should be so wonderful that i cant even imagine it. a place where peace surrounds, where you can watch your favourite soccer games, drink your favourite beer, play your favourite chess, without worrying. i would like to imagine you being being free.

life hasnt been good so far these days, but i will be strong, and fight back. life hasnt been so good cos you’re not here with us. the ache in my heart, it’s constantly there. the longing to rub your rough palms, it’s constantly there. many times a day, i will wonder about you. wonder what you must be doing right now, and i will imagine your face, your smile, the way you feel. today i was just gazing up through my windows into the bright blue sky, dotted with clouds like cotton candy, and i thought of you. i gazed for moments too long, and as i watched, i was imagining you watching me, laughing at the stupid mistakes i’m making at work, shaking your head at this silly daughter of yours. when will i ever learn?, you could have thought. .. and then i realized, i’m thinking too faraway.

i had a talk with Z just the other day, sharing stories about you, and his Mum, and somehow, talking to someone who completely understands me, works. he understands, he knows how it feels. and right then at the moment i feel like i could cry. not many people can understand the cloud hanging over our heads, sure, they say they could, they say it will pass, they say i must be strong, they say you wouldnt want to see me like that, all broken and useless. they always says the same thing. be strong, it will get better, blah blah. but actually, to me, all these are just gibberish. they could imagine how it feels like, they can sympathize, they can show their concern, console you and such, but do they know, when they do that, i feel even worse. most of the time, i’m just seeking endless reassurance.

i know you wouldnt want to see me like that, i know you want the best for us. i know you want to be here too, it’s just that, you have to leave first. 

and Pa, you know what, Dajie is getting engaged on the 7th of September this year. i know you would want to be there too, i know.

Pa, i love you - if only time could rewind, and i would press stop. let it just stop at that moment forever and ever.

so today, i wanna write a little song,
put it in my heart, write it full of your name,
tear it apart, mend it back again, say i like you,
- or would you have guessed?
though i knew, i can never have you, this feeling just keep on rolling.
i know, i’m such a fool for you

i have no idea why i’m penning down so many rubbish, but i just got the need to write, the urge to write before i go utterly insane and out of my mind. why are feelings often so unreasonable. can i not have these. can i dont feel in such a way. can i just throw these feelings swirling inside my heart back into your face? and worse, you dont even know, or care i think, even if you do know - but fact is, i will never let you know.

sigh, go on call me stupid, like you did everyday. go on, call me short like you did everyday. go on, insult me and make me feel like i’m not worth a single cent, like you did everyday. without fail. it’s like a broken tape recorder that never stops playing. sometimes, i dont know why i even bother. but i just do. and the weird thing was, the more you insult me, the more you pay attention to me, the more my giggles never stop. it had now become, i’m craving for the attention - it’s totally ARGH.

i’m feeling so disappointed in myself.

utter, utterly disappointment.

on a lighter note, we’re going to have a class outing this week, and i’m so looking forward to it! :) think movies and dinner night, and simple it may sound, but as usual, it’s the company i craved :)

uni payment is due next week, and i still havent talk to Mum about the payment mode issue - and if i should buy the insurance? suddenly, you know what, i’m anticipating school, meeting new people, lunching at new places, discovering new answers, immersing in loads of brand new things. i want to learn, i want to excel, i want to be a so much better person. i’m on the road of discovery!

life could be so much happier and exciting if i still want it to be.

reminder to self: stop spending, start saving!!!!!!

i’ve just finished dinner and i’m stealing the com from my dear brother. !

i was late for work today - again - for the umpteen time and i’m feeling that something seems to be amiss here. work gang was good, i have funny colleagues and the plus fact was of course, him. but well, as i was saying, there is something missing in the air. the magic. somehow i wasnt as dizzily happy as i was normally. i wonder if it was cos he wont be there tomorrow, or perhaps this silly infatuation is finally dying off.

i hope it’s the latter cos i really dont need another stab at the heart.

subway today, yum, i had subway melt. and i realise as much as everybody loves honey mustard, it makes me cringe. i’m just such a picky eater, am i not? :)

i screwed up big time at work last friday, and over the weekends, it kinda slipped off my mind, and today back to work, i was once again reminded by my lovely colleagues what big a mess i had landed him in. haha. and to think i had forgotten about it! sigh, i’m so glad i’m becoming more happy-go-lucky. i need to be more of this. and i left my work pass at home today, among the midst of my junkyard of a bed. and thus, the need to have the ugly green round sticker on the back of my palm.

seriously, i need to love myself more. my goal for the week!

now i’m off to make myself some nice cranberry juice and slap on a really good mask :D

to you:

you’re finally finally online tonight. but strangely, i found no reasons to click on your nick and chat. i dont know what to begin with.

hey how are you?
whats up on the weekends?

it all seems wrong.

well, i will see you tomorrow, and i hope my heart wont start thumping faster with joy.

in fact, it should have no reaction at all.

sunday - a day which i slept through 80%, i was only officially up at 6pm! applause everybody, for i am becoming more and more like a pig. :D

i’m feeling rather emo lately, especially in empty nights when i couldnt grasp what the heck am i being so emo for. i’m a lucky girl, i should be somewhere counting the nunber of my blessings so far, and not pulling my trademark black face on and expect something good to happen. when it wont. things dont happen just so you expect it to be. there’s no fairy godmother that would appear out of nowhere and sprinkle you with her fairydust. you just have to go and make it happen. - and i just happen to be the laziest girl in the world.

i feel that i must be a lucky girl though i had never feel that i was.

but of cos, if my complexion starts healing itself, i just might just start feeling that way!

sunday - a day which i slept through 80%, i was only officially up at 6pm! applause everybody, for i am becoming more and more like a pig. :D

i’m feeling rather emo lately, especially in empty nights when i couldnt grasp what the heck am i being so emo for. i’m a lucky girl, i should be somewhere counting the nunber of my blessings so far, and not pulling my trademark black face on and expect something good to happen. when it wont. things dont happen just so you expect it to be. there’s no fairy godmother that would appear out of nowhere and sprinkle you with her fairydust. you just have to go and make it happen. - and i just happen to be the laziest girl in the world.

i feel that i must be a lucky girl though i had never feel that i was.

but of cos, if my complexion starts healing itself, i just might just start feeling that way!

saturday (wonder how it doesnt feel like it was?) - i woke up to the yells of my dear sister and with the need to sleep more. i was exhausted, like i’m exhausted right now. i even fell asleep on the sentosa bus! nah, it wasnt that the trip was boring, in fact it was all nice and dandy despite the constant pitter-patter of the rain. we had good quality family time and this is truly love. we went to underwater world and dolphin lagoon and -gasps- i swear this is like, my only second time there?! thus, i was so excited :)

sentosa has one of the worse transportation around. there are endless buses to switch, train rides to take and long queues to bore ourselves with. and i think we’ve picked the worse day to go cos it was all infested with indians. i just think indians are jolly well the rudest creatures on earth. (no offence, but fact is fact) the way they acted in public simply disgusted me. just go and eat some shit la alright.

okay, disclaimer, disclaimer, i’m talking about those i saw today - ew, irky!

everything is perfect, from the food, chats, laughter, disputes, to the attractions. it will probably be boring if you went there often, but for something that i was only going for the second time in my going-to-be 20 years, it was great fun.

somehow, the missing part is you. i was trying to imagine you going with us, teaching xavier the names of the many sea creatures, piggybacking him on your shoulders, laughing along with us… but i just couldnt visualize properly.

i miss you like crazy, so crazy. 

alot of times, in the morning, i see her offering joss sticks at your altar. and then, i will feel the guilt cos i did that less frequently. but the reason was becos i dont think anything could replace the real you. offering more joss sticks every morning just doesnt help to wash the pain away.

; the second day without contact. somehow, it’s all false hope again. i just hope you’re well. okay, maybe only not well with her, not well without me.

it’s wednesday and i’ve just pop in an anti-biotic pill. for some reason, i’m counting the days off this week. monday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday - .. and then, it’s going to be friday. and then, the weekends will roll around with me sleeping most of it away and a fresh new week will start. only that it wasnt really that fresh cos the same old routine would start unfolding itself again.

my heart is aching.. sigh why is this so hard could someone tell me.

ignore and do the right thing. but the right thing is always the hardest.

it’s a happy day, except that paperwork is totally starting to bore me. half to death. many a time, i found myself twirling in circles on my chair and gazing outside my window instead of doing what i was paid six per hour for. it’s a struggle, really.

tuesday going on wednesday, and i realized my feelings for this boy seems to be going in circles. i was laughing too much that i actually wanna cry, and i was too, enjoying myself rather too much. this, is also a struggle, a struggle to keep unnecessary emotions from overflowing. i knew i would be the one hurt in the end, no matter what the outcome turns out to be, and that is really the last thing i wanted to happen. but feelings and feelings, emotions are emotions, and you cant just say, ‘i will feel this way’ and then, everything will follow suit. or cant you? could someone teach me please.

-

is this the path that i’m really going to take in august? i feel like i’m standing at a crossroad. i feel empty. i feel confused. i feel.. scared. i feel lonely. till when will i have enough courage to face up to my decisions?

it’s like,

i have decided i’m no longer going to carry on this stupid and silly infatuation. to him, i’m just a naive and small girl who doesnt thinks. haven i long decided in the previous posts? then why this pain? i’m just not strong enough, i never was. it’s all talk and no action.

i have decided to go into this course, since it seems like god is giving me another chance, a chance to undo a mistake, a chance to start anew, a chance to give me more hope, a chance to achieve what i want. but i’m having doubts on my capabilites, i dont trust myself. and all thanks to all those remarks and comments given by my lovely colleagues, i could feel myself withdrawing, wanting to take the sweet handed out to me but being hesitant, being afraid.

i just need some strength. to be strong enough to walk through these remaining two months. thats all i’m asking for. i want to be able to have peace with myself at last.

; love is giving a person the power to hurt you.. but trusting him not to.

today is monday, 2nd june and omg omg, it’s june already could you believe!

another 28 days, and 1/2 a year would have just slipped under our noses, and we wouldnt even notice it. this is reality, it’s so scary sometimes isnt it. if someone would to ask me, what have i accomplished for these 6 months.. seriously, i’m not able to think of an answer to defend myself that i wasnt slacking. these past year has been a blur. i cant keep track of what i always seem to be doing, be it mugging hard for exams during the first two months, contracting that awful chicken pox, spending a dull, sullen new year filled with movies and junkfood, which causes the first breakout a week later. now, i’m nursing the second breakout. (speaking of which, it was so bad that i’m feeling so terribly depressed and i even proceed to start eating my anti-biotics again.) - sigh. haven i been doing anything fruitful and worth putting down in colourful words? even graduation seem so faraway, and work at LS seems so so distant. i have alot of misses, plenty of uncountable ones but it was all thoughts and voice but no action. no effort in meeting up, or replying to texts nor simply keeping in touch with ‘how are yous’, ‘oh i miss yous’. mostly what i’m best at doing is to whine and simply sit there doing absolutely nothing about it, except to rant, to kick up some fuss to anyone who would listen at the moment. it’s pathetic, really.

and i am so so broke right now that i feel it’ve been a really bad day though i laughed so much till i choked on my distilled water today, and he had to pat on my back mulitple times to get my windpipe clear again.

; i cant believe Father Day’s coming soon, i just cant.

monday, i swear, it’s going to be a much much better day.

gone will be the days i turned away, disappointed, envious, jealous, unhappy, upset, angry.

i will be perky, cheerful, smiley and laughing all the way.

heh, well, hope that would really happen or make that a very sulky me. :)

p.s. i’m just dying for some good fruitful shopping! sigh, and my complexion still sucks. the green mask and apirin didnt help much *pout*

but, to the hell with it!

.
.
.

.. as if.

many times a night, i will wonder alot of things. wonder how such things can take a turn and end up this way. wonder how at one point of time, couldnt i have done something to salvage it, or at least, try to do something, say something? but most of the time, i just choose to ignore this thorn jabbing into my back, just let it be.

for some reason or so, this time round, i want to do something, salvage something, change something. i dont want another wave of regrets and longing to hit me later. but yet, i know i shouldnt move forward in this, i shouldnt change anything though i badly want to. i guessed, i’m being afraid of the outcome, i’m a coward, i’m just a coward.

i hate the way i have to be all the time, being so guarded everytime i speak to you, i cant show you the most inner part of me, i have to pull the cover on and hide, just so you wouldnt know.

hello there,
it’s the night again.
everytime at this hour, you would be under your covers, in your sweet slumber.
what are you dreaming of right now?

i cant help, but want to know, do i have a place in your heart, if not just one tiny corner.

.. but i guess, not.

one step away, baby steps. i will get through this. i have more important things to achieve and look forward to, i tell myself.