i realized this layout looks totally ugly on the PC at work. i should probably change back soon!

last night, i had a chat with J, and to tell the truth, i enjoyed it immensely and i’m missing it now. i miss how we used to chat every night and how funny our conversation always goes. i miss miss him. what the heck right. will things go back to normal, will S just send me a text, i will be the happiest girl for sure. i’m greedy, and this is a terrible, terrible sin.

work’s alright. i realized there’s a limit to everything and how a joke that went too far doesnt seems all that funny anymore. i can laugh when people tease me, but come on, who doesnt get annoyed when things blew out of proportion. i just feel like rolling my eyes and stucking out my tongue at this person. if you think you being charming and all, hello, think again. and yeah, look into the mirror and remember how you looked first before making a smart-alec remark. i can take a joke, a laugh anytime. but i really dont enjoy those too-much comments you’re making today. how irritating.

sticky things aside, i’m worrying alot these days. i’m worrying about uni, about my pathetic income, about those friends i care about but who just somehow arent in the picture anymore. i hope we will never become those people who become strangers due to not seeing each other for months, i hope we’ll always be there for each other. i wish i can tell you how important you are to me. but that can never be explained in words.

**i think tomorrow i shall tie up my hair. it’s time to look serious, ha ha ha.

another busy week.

time seems to run 5 times faster when you’re at work, i have no idea why. i have a good week at work this week, and i’m feeling excited about monday, call me crazy. i’m completely piled up with paperwork but i’m enjoying though i’m complaining and whining all the same. i had fish mee for 3 days in a row and i have enough of it. seriously! it’s delicious and healthy but imagine eating and tasting the same stuff for 3 days was just a little too much. while work’s been good, it makes me feel stupid however, all thanks to my colleagues :) they just loveeee insulting me and have me bursting out in fits of laughter in random moments - even when i’m buried in work! thanks to my stupid brainless answers i guessed. it’s really making me feel stupid. am i that ignorant, seriously? that’s worth a thought.

i meet up with my sisters and XY after work and it was really fun, something we haven been doing for ages. i bought cardis, make-up fixer spray and hp pouch and i’m soooo happy, completed with dinner at pastamania (jas’s idea) and i totally regretted picking creamy chicken - puke please. it was delicious at the first bite, tentative at the third and totally grossed by the fifth! i missed the chicken and mushroom pizza :( char, are you seeing this? - or is it the ham and mushroom pizza? :)

p.s. Mum’s birthday, Mother’s Day and Ah ma’s birthday are coming!

no work tomorrow, 2 days of refreshments!

i’m worrying about graduation ceremony. i dont know if i should go.

i’m feeling beat, bored, sad, angry, excited, depressed, and useless all at once. my eyes hurt, i think it’s lacking in oxygen due to over 12 hours usage of lens from monday to wednesday, and from staring at the blinking screen in those hours. i’ve typed up 2342314142 pieces of frigging appeals today - okay thats exaggerating - but it was closed. ended up i didnt get to finish cos chris piled me with somemore and i think tomorrow morning i will finish it off. the guys at work were great, just that i think i’m weird cos the more people nag, scold or tease me, the more i got the urge to giggle and smile. boy, i must be mad. lunch was good, fish soup i loved. so far, i liked my job, but tomorrow we got a meeting and it sounds pretty scary. i’m feeling worried about the interview on friday, i hope it will turn out good. i hope we will win, despite the slimmed chances that we have. i really really hope that my guardian angel’s looking over me now. please give all the best to my Mum, i pray.

i’m sinned for killing trees by wasting this whole stack of good paper today. whoops.

tomorrow and the days after would be better, i would make sure of that. i love my people.

"Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Now believe it can come true. You will never know when the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you are wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it, with all your heart."

it’s been a happy happy week. i’ve never knew working could bring so much joy and experiences. i’m learning something new everyday, and though i got teased and get called "cannot make it" five times a day, but amazingly, i’m still rather happy.

despite that the fact that i have to key and check up hundreds (okay im exaggerating here :D) of ICs a day,
despite the fact that whatever that comes out of my mouth arent always something intelligent and most of the times undelibrately funny and dont make any sense,
despite the fact that i never interact with any girls,
despite the fact that the pay is bloody darn low,
despite the fact that i have to wake up at 549am everyday,
despite the fact that i’m always brooding over what to wear for the next day,

i’m actually excited about everything. picking out outfits, entering data, snatching papers out of people’s fingertips, enjoying my window seat with views of the carpark, high-rise buildings that i drooled about working, and workers doing construction work. about what to have for lunch, where to eat, finding places in the overly-packed coffee shops, crossing those lengthy roads, swinging our passes, riding the lifts, clacking around the office in my heels, having people coming by my seat to talk to me, and a temp staff who’s leaving soon treat us to cupcakes today! even the parts whereby i got teased, laughed and insulted at was pleasantly enjoyable. i had lost the number of times that i laughed today :)

it had been a good week! and here i sat, drinking my leftover honey milk tea from yesterday, feeling strangely contented. i dont mind this feeling staying for a while; i really could get used to this.

i’m so tired, tired, tired.
i feel like sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

my eyes are dry and slightly milky and i still have 3 more days to go before i could called it a rest. there’s this really nice hollister top that i feel like buying but it’s over 30 bucks and thats worth a consideration doesnt it? today at work, i learnt loads of stuff. firstly, i learnt the faster way to level 10. i missed my way when trying to change the lifts and as a result, i turned up 15 minutes late at the office. i went up and down the building twice, trying to find the mystery door that might just pop up, but in the end, it was a nice lady who helped me :) okay, so i got laughed and teased at for being so blur but well, i had my fun. within only 2 days of knowing me, Z was telling me that he knows my kind of personality already: blur, directionless, forgetful, oblivious, and the most @#$#@$@# of all, - short. it’s kinda insulting cos thats almost how people would describe me. but i only know him for two days. just two, hello.

today was a good day cos i talked to the stranger boy and his friend beside me :) turns out that we’re the same age and he is pretty nice.. just that i’m not sure if i hasnt borrowed his newspapers, would he talked to me or not. but he was very friendly when lending me :), so i’m feeling blessed again! also, though i was sweaty, the sweat didnt seep through my dress :) today, i managed to type 3 enquiries emails and it’s a pretty good experience. a simple job it may seem, but i’m learning :) i will continue to make mistakes, i’m sure, but i’m learning new things every second and that’s feeling rather awesome today.

oh i didnt mention, but on my first day, i was shocked to see that B working there too! haha, this is so random.

Happiness is..

♥ having a blessed moment! though it only lasts a few minutes.

one word that would describe my day purrfectly is: utter utter boredom. okay that’s 3 words but anyway, it’s truly how bored i was. however, i’m determined to be a survivor throughout these 3 months and may things improve each and everyday! maybe i should start speaking to the stranger boy sitting next to me tomorrow. that will be a tiny start! maybe, i’m not too keen.

but today is a blessed day cos i give up my seat for someone who needs it more than i do. hey, it’s a pretty good feeling!

gotta get myself perked up for lunching with my 4 new guy partners tomorrow :) lets hope for the best!

a bank statement never lies and mine is telling me that i am overspending wayyyyyy wayyyyyy wayyyyy too much this month. i feel like killing myself. i think i have bought like, over 10 items?

i think i’m crazy. 
i think i need to call a helpline. 

today feels like a suffering day cos for once, i dont know what to do, where to lay my feet on, what to put my hands in. in the end, i had these yummy chocolate muffins with white icing from delifrance, maikai and a glass of apple juice. i made flower tea too and it taste.. like a flower tea. just that i put my cup inside the fridge for 2 hours before drinking it. after that, i slacked around with my 3 books and toss and turn in my brother’s bed. that’s how useless and helpless i’m feeling today. somehow, i think this is one of the reason why i’ve been shopping till i am dropping - that i’m tooo muchhh boreddd. part of me cant wait for work to commerce, while part of me arent looking forward to it much, and speaking of my job, i need to go out and get some work pants actually. and i need to go cut my hair at Lass. but i’m too much bored and lazy. oh somebody push me please. i need a life. yesyesyes, say that again.

dinner was lip-smacking fantastic. i love hot chicken soup and bak kwa. aww i’m hungry again right now. chocolate muffins, anyone? it makes people happy. however, it’s not exactly working right now.

for the briefest moment just now, it feels like he’s coming back home. so, so starkingly real.
i got a message saved in my handphone that goes:

Poppidz -
Coming home.

i cant bring myself to delete it. even though it doesnt actually comes from him.. i just cant bear to. you know, i love you.

In life, there’s only one certainity. And that is death itself.

though i know that i shouldnt, but i’m drinking strawberry yoghurt milk at this hour of the night. i blamed it on the corn roll that’s making my thoat dry and salty.

i’m craving for a good movie, a walk to the beach, some hearty talks, a nice meal, a haagen daazs cookies and cream ice-cream, a really good book. just suddenly, tonight feels lonely. it’s rare that the house only have Mum, bro and me, which makes everything serenely quiet. i think i need to change my handphone soon, cos mine’s acting cranky. yay i’m doing lots of mindless shopping. it’s addictive, it’s evil, it’s terrific, it’s horrible.

i want to hate you, i want to love you, and i want to be able to do both all the same. i missed you, S and J. if i allow myself to.

yesterday, i received 4 new packages in the post and today, i received 3! well, i got more coming, and this goes to show how heavy my shopping had become this month. i’m so so so so sinned. but i’m loving it heh heh heh heh. mum have been warning me since cny not to buy too many clothes, and the urge to shop had shrunk just when cny was over, but now, it’s backkkkkkkkkk! oh my.

i’m starting work on monday. i still think the pay a little on the low side but i’m too sick of having agencies calling me and introducing a lousy job, or a pretty good one but in a warehouse environment filled with men, thus i decided to take this job offer at the cpf board. also, the more picky i get, the less i will be able to work, i will earn even lesser and in the end, i dont have to work already. so, screwww the pay, i’m going to tell myself i will be gaining experience, tolerence and endurance and at cpf board somemore, so i should be glad and happy. plus the location got a quite wide range of food! :) be satisfied, girl. but no matter how positive i’m sounding, i still feel a teeny bit sulky hahahaha. oh, shut up adeline.

-

there’s some mother-sister conflict stirring in the air tonight. as we’re family, i dont know and dont want to take any sides. let’s hope things will get better tomorrow soon.

Happiness Is..

♥ lugging back three new books from the library! ohhh, my favourite library :)

yay today smells and feels like sunshine day!
i have to go out but before i do so, i have to sweep and mop the floor!

but either way, i’m so lazy lahhhhhhhhhh. :D it’s a good day to start feeling happy! x)

P.S. chipster hot & spicy is nice! but it’s spicy x10!

this layout looks screwed, and i cant believe i’ve spent 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours right now, trying to make it right. the background is horrendous, pardon it while i think of a better one, oh the sidebar looks terrible too, pretend you didnt see it! i’m not sure if the whole layout will look ugly on other computers or laptops, but i will check it out soon. i got this feeling that it’s horribleeeeee but ugh, i had enough. but i kind of like how it’s looking on my screen :)

baby xavier is at my feet right now, snuggling to a deep sleep! his parents are off to the hospital to visit xavier’s grandpa and i doubt they will come home right after that. today, my phone rang constantly, and i think i’m finally getting employed.. somehow. but since it’s not final yet, we shall see tomorrow.

i found this totally cool website that just might primped me up to become a much more positive person :D i think i should start the same practice here, so i wont be so gloomy and sad everytime! i need reminders.

today, Happiness is..

♥ finally finding my place somewhere - a new job! :)
♥ i took 2 trips of my favourite bus rides, listening to my favourite music. what could get better than this? i’m moving on, at the very least!

i’m so tired i wish to go back to sleep, but i cant. mundane tasks at hand. xxx the call that woke me up at 9 freaking am. but ha, i’m not really complaining, dont get me wrong :) off to town i go!

i had a dream, and my heart, somehow, aches. even if it’s only a dream, it still feels starkingly real. i dont want you to fall for her, please tell me you have your eyes for only me.

but who am i kidding. psst, i miss you! can we be together — who am i kidding again.

that i would be good even if i do nothing
that i would be good even if i got thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good if i gained ten pounds
that i would be good even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good even if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be good even if i was no longer queen
that i would be loved even if i numbed myself
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost my sanity
that i would be good
even with or without you

in the end, i decided that i cant live with a 500 bucks salary per month, so i’m not going back to LS. call me picky, fussy, whatever. even i myself am driving myself crazy hahaha. the interview went okay today, but i’m not impressed with the job scope; it sounds like school, really. with projects and teams and such. come on, i just want a plain old boring admin job - is that so hard? the place was really hard to find at first, but thank goodness for Mr Taxi Driver and a nice security guard, i managed to make my way there on time :)

well, just like i’m not impressed, i dont sound impressive either. i doubt he will call me back but we shall see if Lady Luck is at my side today :) i have this feeling that i got more interviews to go before i find my place. and of cos, it’s not about me being picky either, it’s more like, if someone wanna employed me. judging by my luck so far, i doubt i’m very employable haha. but hey, this is my first interview ever since LS okay, giving me a break would be nice!.. (excuses, excuses)

so, tomorrow i will be home again, sending out emails with my resume attached and with a hopeful look on my face. someone please employ me!!!!

-

i pray that Jas’s father-in-law would be able to overcome this critical period. he’s at the hospital right now, so please pray that he stay strong. i’ve realized how priceless health truly is. above everything else, it’s very important to keep your immune system up and stay away from oily food, exercise every week - but boy, who am i kidding, knowing and saying is completely different from actually doing.

well, as a start, i need to start drinking up jugs of water.

i still miss you plenty.

i’m awake cos i cant get back to sleep for the fear of over-sleeping. just a few minutes ago, i was in this frenzy fit cos I COULDNT FIND MY O LEVELS CERT INSIDE MY PORTFOILIO. you can imagine how white i turned into as i started flipping around like a crazy nut and, as a result, got into this sneezing fit due to the dust flying around. it’s really really very scary to be misplacing your stuff at the very last minute. oh, just when will i ever learn to prepare things beforehand? i guess, i’m learning, a few more scares will do the trick.

yesterday, i borrowed Jas’s laptop to use, and i realized how ugly my blog looked on the screen. like, really really ugly. :( i should probably change it to a default one soon! but it looks so nice on this computer okay. i wonder why. perhaps the laptop is the older version hee.

ANYWAY
the important thing is what’s going to happen at 3 o’clock!! wish me luck!!

speaking of this, Shaz called me last night and asked if i wanna go back work.. it’s very tempting.

i totally am clueless of what i should do to keep my sister’s room clean and tidy. (okay, it’s half my room cos i’m sleeping in there, but trust me, 85% of the stuff are all hers) everytime i stepped inside, either to sleep, take some stuff, comb my hair etc, i couldnt help but feel the wave of shame washing over me as my eyes took in the it-looks-like-a-tornado-had-just-hit kind of messiness. and since, 85% of the stuff arent mine, you cant expect me to clean up the room, can you? i already did my own part in keeping my stuff inside that one pathetic cupboard that i can truly call mine, okay! (super sad i know)

then, last evening, after my aunt came, she and Mum started shifting the super big tv sitting in our room into hers, and so we got the smaller tv, which means more space to put our stuff on it! this is truly yayness! in the end, they helped to throw away some of my sister’s junk and managed to make the room looked like everything got it’s own place and i have to admit that it looks pretty good and refreshing after they had finished. at least now, the messiness had dropped to a mere 20% heeheehee. need i say more - the adults have magic!

somehow, tonight is a happy night!
somehow, i think it’s really a bad idea to apply for the ib device. number one reason being, i’m spending twice or perhaps thrice much faster than before. this is totally a bad thing as i’m jobless and incomeless but i still get hooked into visiting various websites due to mailing lists and then, buying a whole chunk of items that i just might ended up not wearing/using. it’s driving me and my bank account crazy, y’know! but what to do.. :(

but i’m feeling very contented that i feel like purring, and at the same time, i feel totally ashamed of myself. the last thing i needed right now is to be depleted of my own moolahs and resulting to chewing stale bread and drinking tap water for my meals. oh the horror! and recently, loads of friends and relatives had started questioning what i am up to now, and sadly, i have nothing amazing to tell them. sigh! what different lives we all had hahaha. that’s why i’m quite determined to secure myself a job right now! and that, will be the utmost solution to my emptying bank account :) yes, that will be my goal of the week - TO FIND A NEW JOB!

so, please, please pray that i will get the job on tuesday!

we left home at 630am in the morning and the minute we came home, i stumbled into Xavier’s bed and couldnt wake up since.. until now, heh heh heh. like every year, it’s kind of stale and boring and the relatives who went become lesser and lesser every year. in a way. it’s rather sad. but i’m not forcing myself to be nice and say that i enjoyed it every year. but it’s all for respect for my late grandma and grandpa, so shrug.

those who came were: Pa’s older brother and his wife, and his two older sisters.

see? their kids and husbands dont even bother to come.. unlike us. i couldnt help but think why they even bother. the only happy thing was, the next time i would see them, would probably be a few months later. :)

it feels like ever since Pa went away, our ties between them went away too. Pa was like, the link between us. what’s left is something much faded, weaker, and probably arent there at all if you didnt try hard enough to see.

ah, the word for this?

Perfect Strangers.

another thing i probably wont forgive was that they didnt even bother to say that they want to visit Pa at Mandai. was it so hard? it’s just one day every year, was that so hard to head down and pay respect to your only youngest brother? i dont understand.

this is truly unforgivable. and i will remember forever, you take my word for it.

you people will be sinned.

sigh! i still cant believe i would have to wake up early tomorrow..

on the other hand, why am i so lazy anyway?

anyway, i’ve just did a rose mask and it’s really really sticky..

-

hm, as much as i liked this layout, there seems to be something missing….. it’s queer. but okay, i still liked it :)

i’m constantly reminding myself that i need to be thinking on the bright side of life. i still have a long way to go from here.. but hey i’m trying.. and willing to try the very least, so - keep up the good work! you’re doing very fine..

Instead of living in the shadows of yesterday, walk in the light of today and the hope of tomorrow.

it’s time to be thinking happy, positive thoughts! ♥

the weather has been absolutely crazy; one minute, it seems determined to burn you with its hot humid air, while the very next, it wants to drown and freezes you. it’s like a weird cycle and i hated it.

i had a good sleep last night, haunted by dreams of McDonald. i need a good book, yummy food, new experiences, nice TV shows, gatherings and some hot dates soon.

i had 5 hours of utterly good sleep this afternoon, which explains how bright and awake i’m feeling right now. bright, awake and hungry.

the letter regarding the graduation ceremony came through yesterday. i’m amazed by the fact that we have to rent or buy those graduation outfits to wear! amazed cos i cant see myself in that funny square hat and flowing cloak. the thought of it is making me shudder shudder shudderrrrrrr. frankly speaking, i cant wait to get this ceremony over and done with. i know it’s suppose to be like, one if a lifetime kind of thing but i just want my diploma thank you. nothing fancy.

oh my, i need to get to sleep soon.

i’ve just came back home and i’m tired and feeling emotional at the same time, and i dont know why. to be honest, i cant stand her sometimes. why is she always like that; why is she able to make everything sounds like other people’s faults and not hers. she took everything for granted, like, yeah it’s our responsibilty to help her locate stuff that she couldnt find, yadayadayada - i wonder how long i can refrain myself from shouting at her once and for all. this few snappy comebacks that i had shot her wont be able to satisfy that lion stirring in my stomach. seriously! someone needs to teach her a lesson. she needs to learn the meaning of limits.

okay, i know i’m none too much better but compared to her, i daresay that i am indeed better.

mandai is totally packed, the swarm of cars and people and the smell of incense is overwhelming. but i like it, cos i know it’s all for Pa’s sake. Pa, i love you, you know, i forgot to tell you just now.

p.s. thanks to Gandad for bringing us down to Mandai in his car. it had been a great help.

i’m tired for the wrongest reasons. woke up early today, and i folded 6 stacks of incense paper. tomorrow, which is, technically the real today, since the clock had already strikes 12, we’re going down Mandai again. i cant wait though i would have to wake up in a few hours time.

i had concluded that i have the sweetest blood in the whole family. take a look those red itchy puffy swells on my legs! arghhhhhh.

on a slightly happier note, i got an interview :) let’s keep these fingers crossed!

i feel like puking now, no thanks to the anti-biotic pill that i had just swallowed. gah!

it’s thursday tomorrow, such a wonderment how time flies when you’re stuck with nothing major in your life. haha, yeah that’s me speaking. however, i’m not complaining cos i should enjoy while it lasts. anyway, rene gave me the number of her agent and i’m still thinking if i should call tomorrow.

i really need a job to cover my recent expenses hahahaha. if Mum knows, she’s so gonna slaughter me.

i will be a happier girl if i find myself a good-paying employer. end of story. :)

**

wanted to write more about you, but somehow, i find no words to describe.

I need a simpler and blanker layout to think but i’m too sick and tired to try to tweak one.

things are always everchanging, contradicting, unpredictable - who knows, tomorrow i might say that i need another change.