thursday, somehow, this day feels very complicated. i had a nightmare. i dreamt of someone i never want to see again. stupidly enough, i hasnt been thinking about him. what makes my sub-consciousness decides to develop this particular dream in my cloudy head - i just have no idea. and it kind of made today feel rather sour. i’m so easily affected, it disgusts me.

tomorrow is friday, and it’s a Good Friday at it. i’m rather happy that i have something planned for tomorrow :)

i’m chatting with someone i hasnt been keeping in touch with since months ago. the power of MSN! but it’s good to say, we’ll kind of be entering the same phase together. soon. but of cos, he’s way way wayyyy smarter than me. and yeah, not to mentioned, he knows what he wants, and he knows how to get it. two very important attributes in which i totally, miserably, and unfortunately, lacked. it really sounds pitiful sometimes. i’m seeing all sorts of my friends growing up in all sorts of better ways, striving to achieve something that would do good for their future next time. i’m seeing them make important decisions, arguing over matters like which is the best for them and such, giving me the same advices they’re giving themselves. it’s like, a click, and they know - what, which, how, why. i’m highly envious and jealous of these inspiring attitudes.

i lacked such a commitment. hey, i dont even have a commitment.

i supposed a change in an environment is always good. changes might make us feel better, teach us something, mould us.. and there i was, yesterday, ever so sure of myself. remember i was saying i want to enrol into UOL, i was really pretty sure. then the someone speaks up now and the reason for the choice seems so small, tiny.. and you just wavered. you just seems more uncertain than ever. the walls building around that particular choice crumbles and collapses, and everything standing inside those walls shakes and weakens.

somehow, i dont want to hear anymore stuff that will affect my choice, my decision. but here i go again, wanting to hear more, wanting to make myself waver and hear myself say, ‘OK, i change my mind.’

this is seriously frustrating. maybe i should just forget the whole thing. just look for a job and bury myself in.