i just remembered the other day, i was listening to that song on my ipod. and then, somehow, i found myself pressing the BACK button whenever the song finished and the next song came on. you know why.. ? that’s because you once told me you love that song so and i just felt like immensing in memories of you just then. that was on just another particular peaceful day.

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i just had a talk with Jes on the phone, talking about uni life and stuff like that, and you know what, upon hearing what she said, i suddenly find that this path that i’m planning to embark on right now seems very scary and uncertain. is this what i really want? i find this question popping into my head constantly. girl, is that what you really want? now, what do you really want? the questions flowing in are endless, and i have this feeling that i might not be able to get the answer after months later. i’m afraid of changes, i’m afraid that i’m risking the whole lot of $24,000 odd dollars and time spent on something that i shouldnt even have thought of touching in the first place. that’s a whole lot of risk involved. especially, a part of the of money that Pa had left for us. and whatever am i planning to do with the money? on my stupid maybe-it-shouldnt-have-happened education.

i know i shouldnt be thinking this way, but the other side of me says, yes that’s exactly what you are doing. wasting the money not meant to be. right now, the thought that i can actually go uni is based on the fact that Pa had gone away and that tragedy is the reason why i can actually start thinking of furthuring my education. somehow, it feels very evil and ironic dont you think.

it scares me, like how everything is scaring me at the moment. this feels like a moment of insecurities, uncertainity and i feel very unsafe.

Pa, i feel like i’m doing the wrong things, making the wrong decision. maybe this is not a risk that i can bet on; it’s like a heavy weight upon me, so heavy to bear.

i’m very confused; please, dont make me make the wrong decision. please, guide me. please, give me a sign.