11:46pm, and here i sat, dreading the day that’s arriving just in 14 minutes time. what’s going to happen tomorrow, i asked.

somehow, it’s action time.

this morning i woke up and tried this new thing called the scandal bb cream after blotting my face. i think i love the end results of this! after several hours, my skin is glowing with this healthy look and i think part of it is thanks to my new lime secret pact :) hooray, i think skinfood is getting addictive haha ;)

right now, i’m not only jobless and schooless, and i feel almost useless. i feel like i’m wasting my time away, fretting over the university issue, not getting a definite answer, and then.. what? isnt something that could be done to salvage these difficulties, clear these doubts? cant i find a job quickly, take the initiative to tidy up the house, or simply my pig-sty of a room? why cant i make a decision in a snap and just submit the application? it’s going to be thursday which means i can collect my transcript and then, what other excuses do i have not to submit the documents?

how come i’m not doing something? i’m kind of just shrugging and letting things be. it doesnt work out like that. there must be something that i could do, something that i must do. just.. something. anything.

this wandering feeling arent good. i need someone to talk to me, to guide me out of this.

 

but then again, i know these uneasiness would have to pass. cos there’s no point in fretting; life’s like that. things will fall into place quickly if i believe. but now, a hug would really be good.. you know?

 

the world will not change for me

“也对，的确不可能
对你这个老是还没做就先放弃的人来说，是绝对不可能的
当你心里想着不可能时，你就已经输了。”

我对很多事一直耿耿于怀，但是我却忘了我现在所能做的
最重要的 首先就是 — 不可以向自己认输

today was almost a perfect day.. until the sky chosen the moment in which i was crossing the lengthy roads of Orchard Road to start flicking big, heavy drops or rain onto the black ground.. and onto me. within seconds, these heavy droplets morphed into sheets of dirty water.. and i was tempted to flick out my tongue and taste it hahahaha. but darn i was caught in the downpour as everybody dashes for the shelter. but i’m happy cos the reason i stepped of Wisma and into the rain, was to get my Mango belt :) and i got it yay!

you know what, i really and completely understands how a sales girl would to feel if a demanding customer, aka me, asked to have a new piece changed to another new one due to a small teeny weeny flaw. it happens so many gazillions times to me when i was working in LS! but who cares heeheehee, i’m the customer now! i was apologetic okay. but it’s true when they say customer is always right. plus i cant stand visible flaws on something new. it’s funny somehow, when you put yourself in other people’s shoes and positions, you probably could have understood how they felt.

so, it’s pretty important to think in other shoes sometimes! :)

another thing, i bought so much stuff today that i had swiped my NETS at least six times. it’s such a real guilty pleasure. i’m pleased, but at the same time, completely horrified. what do i think i am? filthy rich? it’s also very important that i learned how to control and curb my spendings!

for three days in a row, my feet had pounded the streets of Bugis, Orchard and PS. i’m proud to say that my poor feet is aching terribly - even now - and i would really love a free foot massage.

 

**

after weighing the pros and cons, my decision hovers, and the fact that i still am in very much doubt of myself and my capabilities are the barriers to the success that could have been mine.

i had a long day today and i’m sleepy right now!

retail therapy is always damn fantastic though i came home with just a brand new tube of lipice balm :) i’ve received my two new tubes of mascara this week and that makes me very happy too. shopping is really spuning me to want to work hard to score a good-paying job so i can buy whatever stuff i liked hahahaha - but of cos, life is so much more besides shopping and spending :) but i’m a girl, and shopping is my weakness… ! heh.

my aunts, ah ma, and mummy cooked nasi lemak today. it was fantastic! kudos to my talented family! ♥♥♥

p.s. i love Vaseline’s range of moisturiser! have been using it for 2 days now and let’s pray my legs and hands will become smoother hahaha :D and i’m smelling soooo good!

 

i’m finally home at 9pm with aching feet and dry, blinking eyes. tomorrow might be shopping day and i already got a few things in mind what i have to get. aunts and cousins are going to come tomorrow to have a cooking feast but i will be back for dinner. :) on sunday, we’re going for high tea! omg, i’m just so excited. and on monday, i’m going for the interview. sigh! let’s pray and hope that it’s all good.

-

i had a talk with my aunt. i have to say now, that i’m growing more and more confidence about my choice. it’s the right choice. just suck it in and work it out.

i’m quite sure which would be my choice already. the feeling’s great. :) rather, rather great.

-

anyway, i was thinking just now, life is all too short to be spending 1/3 of it studying like hell. agree?

thursday, somehow, this day feels very complicated. i had a nightmare. i dreamt of someone i never want to see again. stupidly enough, i hasnt been thinking about him. what makes my sub-consciousness decides to develop this particular dream in my cloudy head - i just have no idea. and it kind of made today feel rather sour. i’m so easily affected, it disgusts me.

tomorrow is friday, and it’s a Good Friday at it. i’m rather happy that i have something planned for tomorrow :)

i’m chatting with someone i hasnt been keeping in touch with since months ago. the power of MSN! but it’s good to say, we’ll kind of be entering the same phase together. soon. but of cos, he’s way way wayyyy smarter than me. and yeah, not to mentioned, he knows what he wants, and he knows how to get it. two very important attributes in which i totally, miserably, and unfortunately, lacked. it really sounds pitiful sometimes. i’m seeing all sorts of my friends growing up in all sorts of better ways, striving to achieve something that would do good for their future next time. i’m seeing them make important decisions, arguing over matters like which is the best for them and such, giving me the same advices they’re giving themselves. it’s like, a click, and they know - what, which, how, why. i’m highly envious and jealous of these inspiring attitudes.

i lacked such a commitment. hey, i dont even have a commitment.

i supposed a change in an environment is always good. changes might make us feel better, teach us something, mould us.. and there i was, yesterday, ever so sure of myself. remember i was saying i want to enrol into UOL, i was really pretty sure. then the someone speaks up now and the reason for the choice seems so small, tiny.. and you just wavered. you just seems more uncertain than ever. the walls building around that particular choice crumbles and collapses, and everything standing inside those walls shakes and weakens.

somehow, i dont want to hear anymore stuff that will affect my choice, my decision. but here i go again, wanting to hear more, wanting to make myself waver and hear myself say, ‘OK, i change my mind.’

this is seriously frustrating. maybe i should just forget the whole thing. just look for a job and bury myself in.

i think one of the top reasons why i’m feeling rather cranky today is due to this cranky weather. it’s like, what - 40 degrees out there?! the house feels exactly like a pot cooking over fire. i was rushing off to bathe just now and the relief of having water pouring down your body is so damn refreshing. i loved showers!..

another thing is, i realized my sister is really really quite crazy sometimes. funnily enough, in alot of aspects, she has opinions of her own. it’s like, snap, she knows what exactly she wants, she knows alot of things and she is a real society woman. but in other small areas, she have none of these and keep asking questions of how/will anot/why/wont hor/really hor etc etc. yeah.. as much as she is a dear sister to me, and as much as we are in fact, blood sisters, sometimes i can only shook my head at the irony that how come such a decisive and knowledgeable woman can be quite this annoying at times. i guessed, that’s cos everyone has a weakness, a vulnerability or a bad point. and this is her weakness, her vulnerability, her bad point.

and i will just have to train myself to be more patient.

.. but of cos, i totally respect the way she makes decisions regarding important issues. it’s like, slam, bang, bong - she knows what she wants. but of cos when it comes to small decisions like, ‘does this shorts match with that top’ or ‘will my slippers be broken if i wear too often’ or ‘it wont so easily spoil one la hor..’, she is totally indecisive one.

such irony!

and we are completely opposites.

the time reads 1:46am

still awake, still thinking, still troubling, still worrying. perhaps i’m really that weak.

i had lengthy chats with 3 friends on this particular wednesday. at around 1pm, i was happily shaking my legs and thinking that i really need to go sweep the floor when i received a call from a friend asking me to go apply for a transcript so that the uni application can be processed when i submit it. it’s like, heck! i didnt know i need a copy of my transcript. we didnt know. so in this raining cats and dogs and dreary weather, while people are snuggling into the comfort of their shelters, i have to brave that awful rain and dropped by TP to apply for this transcript. and it cost $10.20  can you believe! just for a piece of filmsy paper that i will soon received in my post. and 5 working days mind you!! aargh.

then, i was back at 6 plus and in Jes’s room.

.. and the discussion with almost everybody had just ended and i know i want UOL.

just wondering if i should drop by SIM on thurday. which is, TODAY.

 

i had filled the application both online and paper today. it’s just one more button to be clicked.

hang on.. you’re getting there.. nearly there..

i just had seven hours of sleep, and right now, i’m staring at the screen and typing with sleepy eyes. cold chocolate milk for breakfast beside my mouse and i’ve just realized that hanging out the laundry is not on my to-do lists today. the washing machine is empty! so, i guessed it’s just sweeping and moping the floor…

my dear girl had just texted me to announce her results and that she is coming to SIM too! :D

i dont know, but this makes me slightly happier. at least, another familiar face.. ! though she will be starting from Year 2.

 

i think i will submit my application tonight. er, probably. if i dont start getting cold feet and clicking X again.

sometimes i couldnt help thinking that i got a crazy sister.

**

suddenly, i’m missing good food. good, oily, fried food. yeah, go on, cringed at the unhealthiness. but it’s just a sudden craving, like how i was craving for a creamy milky bar last night. and i need to call my cousin badly. but look at the time now! it’s rude to call at hours like this. but okay, i will call her up tomorrow. these days, everyone had been swooning and tearing over the movie Sky of Love, and that makes me wanna catch it so much and shed a few tears myself hahaha.

today i was a better girl. i changed the bedsheets on both our beds (though i’m not sleeping on my own bed currently), and it was one heck of a dusty job to do it alone. then after, i folded the one basket crammed full of freshly-washed clothes. the smell of lemon lingers, and i loved smelling the fresh scent of just-washed clothes. but that doesnt means i liked hanging them. neither do i fancy doing housework much. it’s just that i’m the only person who is kind of shaking her legs now at the moment.. so i guessed, i have a duty. tomorrow i will be hanging the bottoms and cleaning the floor. hmm, probably.

the thought of going back to school and meeting sucky people, hanging out with sucky people and pretending to like sucky people just puts me off. whatever’s wrong with me? and no, i have yet to submit that application and i think i just made a friend angry today because i didnt went to submit the documents with her. hm, or was that my imagination working overtime? but i dont really care, believe it or not. i guess, that’s cos i dont fancy her much either.

somehow, i dont feel bubbly recently. and that three new spots of my face added to the proof that things are going downhill. these two weeks, i’ve talked to plenty of people everyday, trying to listen in all kinds of advices and adding them up to one final conclusion. today, i started again. it helps alot. it is really adding up, and the vision in front of me, or in my head is getting clearer and clearer. i can see where i’m heading down to. really. but after all those words of wisdom, somehow, i dont know what is what anymore.

i want to scream for help, to rely on something, be dependent on someone. but that is not the answer. i know for certain that for this one obstacle, only i can help myself, only i have the answers.

the question now is.. how?

 

"If there are three words to describe life, the three words would be: It Goes On."

sg weather is going bonkers ever since last week. the once chilly weather had been replaced by sticky, hot, sweaty and stinky warmth. is the Earth changing so much that it is near depletion of it’s resources?! is the Earth dying, the ice bergs in north poles melting, and the hole in the ozone layer bigger?! it’s quite scary, come to think of it. and i’m really feeling warm right now, down to my toenails.

went to take passport photos for uni application today and i think that the photos turned out very ugly :(, but i got my lipice, so i’m kind of happy :)

.. does preparing for the documents for SIM means that i’m now ready to apply?

 

worse still, i had just show Da the list of courses that i will be taking and she stares at them and sighs. difficult, difficult.. it’s going to be a tough and rocky path that i’m forcing myself to walk on -

if i can straighten out the complications inside my heart to submit the bloody application and .. IF i get chosen.

you still have a long way to go, girl!

 

p.s. it’s such a cruel world.

i really dont want this entry to be of a whiny post again. oh god why am i so hesitating, whiny, ranty and worse above all, so damn irritating? in a way, i’m annoying the worse out of myself. i’m just trying to drive myself crazy, over and over, thought after thought, word after word. there’s always something to stop me from performing out my decision. oh, blimey. oh oh oh.

-

right about just this afternoon, i heard from my mum and aunt that someone had dreamt about Pa and the dream consists of Pa walking into his living room and writing 4Ds numbers across the living room walls. somehow, i felt angry, probably because i’ve never quite like this someone. i’m angry that he wanted to strike the lottery so much that he dreamt about my father. it’s like… i dont know how i should put it but someone that i really dislike.. dreamt of my father.. giving him lucky numbers.. ? it just doesnt rhyme. oh well, maybe i’m just being jealous and protective over nothing. i really shouldnt go about brooding away what brought up that particular anger.. 

-

life is funny; i’m bitterly amused how it always twist around and manage to turn something you thought as well-planned, good, stable upside down with just a single flick. without a warning. it always feels like a slap across the face, like the chilly wind cutting against your skin the moment you opened the window. i hate things that comes without warnings, i hate ugly surprises. dont people learned that they ought to give a warning or a sign before something is about to explode? dont they! it really frustrates me, bringing all my moods down to a minus 10. i would like to be kind to you, seriously, i would. but then, a BAM suddenly, felt really like a harsh, icy slap across my cheek. i really felt helpless about how i should be dealing with this. should i start kneeling in one corner and start to think what the heck have i done to deserve this?

.. maybe i should. maybe i should start kneeling in that corner over there and start thinking why the heck i called you a friend. (though a friend i dont like much.)

of course, you too, are like kleenex. it seems that i only need you when i want to blow my nose. - so i guess, fair’s fair?

but i did try, and i got a feeling that i will be forcing myself to try again.

so, inhale, exhale, *big smile*, lets try again. - alright?

i’m just wondering when out of these few coming days that i will have find a newly powered-up surge of courage to submit my uni application. seriously, i arent fibbing. i’m getting weak in the knees and having trembling fingers as i started filling the online form and then, grow cowardy and clicking the X on the top right hand corner of the window. dont ask me, dont tell me; i know, i’m becoming a stupid nutcase. and it’s all because of this uni matter!

i dont want to have regrets, i dont want to have regrets (chants a million times)

i just had a talk with Mum just now (again) and she kept assuring me that i dont have to worry about the fees and all - and just to go study if i really want to. it feels really good and relieved after hearing her reassurance. but of course, it didnt help erase the guilt and the confusion that comes back after a while. Mum says i think too much, why am i thinking so much, so far away? she asked. indeed, indeed. call me a worrywart.

but by monday, certainly the application must be filled out and sent. asap! i’m giving myself one more final day to rethink if it’s worth it. if it will be worth it. because you will never know, but then again of course you will never know because you didnt try did you. there’s always something to counter-attack my worries and my answers. why life is so frustrating and contradicting and crazy, full of decisions and worry attacks, i will never know. it would be nice if i dont have to make a choice somehow. i’m actually one of those kinds that would love it if people help me make my decision (sometimes lah, not always). maybe it’s because if it ended up being the wrong decision, i will have someone to blame and not myself hahaha. why am i so indecisive ohmygod. dont say, i hate this side of me too, OK. it always ended up with a conclusion that I-am-indeed-a-COWARD. in caps, yes!

today is a pretty much boring day; i slept late last night and i ended up being awake only around noon and for the whole day, i have this dead feeling, dragging my feet around, brushed my teeth and have lunch. and the day ended with my lazing around the sofa, the computer, sitting on a small stool in the kitchen, licking my McFlurry (i loved it) and watching Jas crack an egg to make a batter of dough and flour. she dipped the 贺年糕 into the batter and volia!, you have very nice pastries. (do you called them pastries? oh i dont know!) it was really pretty good, and there i was, telling her to eat one first and 2 hours later then i will dare taste it - if she didnt start getting runs first hahaha. and i ate three :D

i fell asleep on the evening again - i can never have enough of sleep these days. i really need to go out soon, go shopping or a good breakfast or something. it had been ages since i’m out for a good breakfast! normal days i just stuff a piece of bread and cracker or gulp a glass of juice or milo. i’m missing Killiney’s food but it’s weird to go back there. i’m missing french toast with maple syrup the most!! (swoons) but uni stuff must be settled before i go outside to play. and i have to have 4R pictures taken and collected way before 23rd so i can submit my documents together with Jt. so many things to do in such a rushed time!

so how? to do or not to do?

To-do List:
- Submit online application
- Look for a part-time job!

tsk, tsk.

在给我多一点点时间 好不好

我到底又在期待些什么 ..我真是一个大笨蛋

没有这中期待 就不会失望 我也许也会过得快乐一点吧

你是大笨蛋吗

 

删除删除 我要删除.. !

right now, i’m kind of still trying to figure out what i reallllyyyy want to do and i’m hearing views from everyone, trying to hear something that would make the switch inside me click and snap in place. it’s helping, yay.. kind of. and i think i should call cat tomorrow and start bombing her with questions hahaha. and also, i think i must quickly make a decision and either find a part-time job or go back to LS. asap. 16 more days..! damn.

oh, why the hell am i so slow.

on another note, i really feel like going some place with fresh air suddenly. i think i really need that. but that would be totally impossible right now ha ha ha. whatever am i doing here, typing all these nonsense when i should be thinking what course do i want to go into?! i had a brief talk with Mum just now. somehow, alot of problems are occuring because i’m feeling the guilt. i’m guilty. i want something but i’m afraid to reach out and grasp it. oh i’m a coward indeed. Mum’s right when she say i need to be brave. i need lots of courage. i cannot look back.

so, yes the conclusion is, i need to be brave. braver.

 

and here am i worrying right, left and upside down. seriously, you can do better, cant you.

-

lunch and 第一戒 movie with Char today and both the food at Jerry’s and the show were great. :) anyhow, this horror flick required plenty of er, courage too! which i totally lacked of course T_T. they really arent lying about the ‘disturbing scenes’ bit..

i’m just such a coward lah.

i just remembered the other day, i was listening to that song on my ipod. and then, somehow, i found myself pressing the BACK button whenever the song finished and the next song came on. you know why.. ? that’s because you once told me you love that song so and i just felt like immensing in memories of you just then. that was on just another particular peaceful day.

-

i just had a talk with Jes on the phone, talking about uni life and stuff like that, and you know what, upon hearing what she said, i suddenly find that this path that i’m planning to embark on right now seems very scary and uncertain. is this what i really want? i find this question popping into my head constantly. girl, is that what you really want? now, what do you really want? the questions flowing in are endless, and i have this feeling that i might not be able to get the answer after months later. i’m afraid of changes, i’m afraid that i’m risking the whole lot of $24,000 odd dollars and time spent on something that i shouldnt even have thought of touching in the first place. that’s a whole lot of risk involved. especially, a part of the of money that Pa had left for us. and whatever am i planning to do with the money? on my stupid maybe-it-shouldnt-have-happened education.

i know i shouldnt be thinking this way, but the other side of me says, yes that’s exactly what you are doing. wasting the money not meant to be. right now, the thought that i can actually go uni is based on the fact that Pa had gone away and that tragedy is the reason why i can actually start thinking of furthuring my education. somehow, it feels very evil and ironic dont you think.

it scares me, like how everything is scaring me at the moment. this feels like a moment of insecurities, uncertainity and i feel very unsafe.

Pa, i feel like i’m doing the wrong things, making the wrong decision. maybe this is not a risk that i can bet on; it’s like a heavy weight upon me, so heavy to bear.

i’m very confused; please, dont make me make the wrong decision. please, guide me. please, give me a sign.

今天底确是一个开心的日子 =）
下着雨的天气也底确很累，让人都不想出门了呢

开心~~ 该怎么说呢 — 成绩出来了喔！虽然as usual，还是很烂啦 可是勉勉强强还pass了。我，也应该感到欣慰了，满足了。在一次大声的宣布：我终于要毕业了！！啊~ 好开心好开心好兴奋！但是我现在也好头痛；应该距续读书吧？！还是应该找工作为上则呢？！

我不像大家，都有自己的理想，知道自己以后要做什么
这中感觉实在很差

**

oh, and i went facial today. after like, so many months of not going for one, the thought of suddenly having someone poking a sharp steel into my skin is so scary. and it was indeed very very painful. oh, what girls would bear for the sake of vanity is quite shuddering sometimes. thus right now, my skin is in quite a bad, patchy and red state. lets see how it will look like tomorrow morning, before i decide to go for it the next time.

mum cooked chicken rice today and it was indeed terrific (:

JT and i went to SIM after IT fair the other day. we mostly went there to collect the stacks of brochures and to check out the courses that are available. and frankly, i kind of know what i want; it’s just a matter of whether i want to pick UOL or RMIT and if i went to start school immediately this coming july or to wait out for the january 2009 intake. oh come on, i really need to make a decision fast — 31 march is coming before i even feel it!!

OK, back to reading FairyTail and checking out the courses of SIM online!..

**

anyway, i really like this story i found online. it’s a little long, but it’s really sweet :)

我告訴你說：「我今天掃樓梯時，差點從樓上摔下來。」
本來我以為你會安慰說：親愛的，小心點。但，你說：「掃慢一點不得了。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不在乎我。後來，我發現我們的樓梯異常的乾淨，乾淨的都不用我掃，
一個月後我才發現，那是你每二天抽出五分鐘的結果。
原來你是愛我的，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我的車子壞了，我走了半小時的路才走到車站。」
本來我以為你會關心說：怎麼不坐計程車，妳累不累。但，你說：「反正很近，妳也順便減肥。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不關心我。第二天，我發現你留在桌上的你的車鑰匙，以及為我準備的豐富早點，
我才發現，原來你是愛我的，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我的青菜炒焦了，你忍耐點吃。」
本來我以為你會安慰說：沒關係，只要妳炒的菜我都愛。但，你說：「一看就不想吃了，實在沒味口。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不疼我。後來，我才發現每次想丟掉的菜，都在進垃圾筒前憑空不見了，你的嘴留有氣味，你的唇留有証據．
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我想要去北海道、荷蘭等國家欣賞那一大片壯觀的花海。」
本來我以為你會關心說：妳想去哪，我們來計劃計劃，即使是敷衍幾句了事也好。但，你說：「真是無聊，花大把的銀子去那種無聊的地方。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不懂我。後來，我發現家裡的旅遊雜誌，不管是國外還是國內的報導，
只要是有賞花介紹的那一頁，頁角就有摺痕，頁面就有你的筆記記錄。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我的頭髮掉的好嚴重，可是醫生都說沒怎樣，我好怕我會變禿頭。」
本來我以為你會安慰我說：哪有，妳頭髮看來還是很多。但，你說：「妳這才知道妳的頭髮亂掉，家裡的地板都是妳的頭髮，好髒。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不在乎我。後來，我發現家裡的地板少了很多我的掉髮，我以為我真的不再掉髮了，所以我開始有了不會禿頭的自信．但，在你出差的那幾天裡，我才發現地板的頭髮又變多了，圾筒裡也找到一堆用報紙覆蓋住的毛髮。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我跟朋友出去，晚上會晚點回來。」
本來我以為你會關心我說：跟誰出去？小心點，記得撥電話或早點回家等問話。但，你說：「隨便妳，妳高興就好。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不關心我。後來，我在負氣拖到半夜３點才回家時，我看到你坐在沙發上的睡容。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我的MC來了，肚子好痛。」
本來我以為你會安慰我說：忍一忍，一天就過了。但，你說：「女人真麻煩，受不了。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不疼我。後來，家裡的零食櫃裡多了好多巧克力及紅豆，
是你買的，但你一直沒吃，直到一個月過了，你在我月事的前後一星期，卻天天煮著紅豆湯．
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只 不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「這是我為你挑選的外套，是從去年換季就買的，藏了一年，現在新的冬天將來，我將這一季的第一股溫暖獻給你。」
本來我以為你會感性的回答我說：謝謝妳，親愛的，這是我一季的溫暖也是一輩子的回憶。但，你說：「還不是撈換季大拍賣的便宜。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不懂我。後來，冬天過了，春天的腳步走到了五月底，我卻還常看見那件我認為愛的外套，你認為便宜的外套，穿在你身上，我想了想，數了數，才驚覺那件外套幾乎天天伴著你上班下班，出門進門。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「今天主日崇拜的詩歌好好聽，讓我好感動。」
本來我以為你會關心我說：要不要去問問是哪一本哪一系列的詩歌，我們去買ＣＤ回來聽。
但，你說：「每一首歌聽來，還不是都差不多。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不在乎我。後來，我發現音響裡常傳出熟悉的音符，ＣＤ架上也多了一片新的詩歌ＣＤ。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我告訴你說：「我喜歡吃隔壁街角的那一家的涼麵。」
本來我以為你會告訴我說：那我們明天一起去吃好不好。但，你說：「整天就想著吃，也不想想自己的身材。」
我傷心，覺得你不愛我、不關心我。後來，我發現你常常買很多芝麻醬花生醬及瓶瓶罐罐窩在廚房調一碗又一碗黑抹抹的醬。
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同．

我告訴你說：「我真高興嫁給了你，你是最好的老公。」
本來我以為你也會開心的回答我說：我也是這麼覺得，妳是最好的老婆。但，你說：「嫁了都嫁了不然妳還想怎樣。」
我生氣，覺得你不愛我、不懂我。後來，我在無意中發現你開始會在睡前用衛生紙擦拭著我們床頭上那張４０吋結婚照，然後微笑的望著照片傻笑好久．
我才發現，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你 愛的方式，跟大家不同。

我想我終於懂了，在你不在乎的外表下，有顆不善用言詞表達的心，一顆最愛我的心，原來你是愛我，只不過你不說，這是你愛的方式，跟大家不同。

Thursday, 06.03.2008

thursday, another day. dizzy spells and stupid disturbing dreams. i woke up incredibly late today and slept again in the afternoon because i was feeling so cold and my head just hurts. not a very good day you see. everything just seems out-of-place.

had bubble tea at night! :) honey milk tea, my all-time favourite. and then, tom-yum for dinner. yum! 很好吃哦!

a friend mentioned about him yesterday. it feels very weird. i dont think i want to see him ever again. then again, i do want him to see how well i’m doing right now. then again, haha really? life is so contradicting. oh, is I am so contradicting 吧.

tomorrow will be another day spent at the stall. since it’s the last day and all, i should go, no matter i like it or not. 我要加油啊! :)

**

今天特别想你
好喜欢听你和妈以前的故事
没想到，我现在才开始喜欢听
人啊 每次都到了最后才有了觉悟

怎么都来得那么迟呢

想你的心情 你大概永远都不会知道吧。。？

 

（真是一个很愚蠢的问题啊）

Saturday, 01.03.08

我有一个坏习惯：
每晚，虽然已刷完牙了，我还是会因为受不了食物的诱惑而开始拿起垃圾往嘴里塞！我都懒得去数数看到底一天要刷几次牙了！
那，真的是one of my biggest坏习惯了！很讨人厌呢。。

唉，都不知道我到底何时能改掉这个只会浪费牙膏的坏习惯呢 – 呵呵！

**

and speaking of brushing teeth, i really should start bundling up my nerves to make a dentist appointment soon.

**

i went and caught L Change The World with Jas, YH and Xavier darling today. it was really gooooood, i love L’s character very much. it was only unfair that he have to die. why oh why. i was hoping that he wont, but everyone says he did, so ..oh ya. and i’m soooo chips overdose today, gah. we bought in alot of junkfood but chipster is really the next favourite chips - though i only tried the sour&cream flavor - i like how the taste is always consistent and just melt in your mouth! it’s better than nachos seriously. i’m never much of a nachos fan like almost everybody anyway, haha. but L movie is realllllyyyy good! everybody.should.go.watch.it.！ :)

**

time really flies. i cant believe it’s March 2008 already and i didnt even realized until like, now. it’s been how many days ever since ____(fill in the blank) already.. ? hello time, you’ve been gone so fast.

 

 

作晚 我梦见你那血淋淋的脸
就是不知为何 血越流越多
我想帮你止血 可是我越是抹 就越是抹不掉
我好害怕 你知道吗
因为 你在也没有张开眼
就好像 那一天