wednesday did not do my eyes any good. imagine waking up to see a pair of eyes with single-eyelids staring right back at yourself in the mirror - that’s truly one of the greatest shock a girl doesnt need on a cold, dreary 8am morning.

and today, it was not a very good day. i dont know why i minded so much, mind for the fact that my eyes are in one of their worse state and i’m looking so pale and shabby, and then, you came and called my name, tapped on my shoulder and talked to me from behind. i dont know why, but i minded very much. minded very much that i dont want to turn, and have you gasping at how horrible i’m looking, but i did turn reluctantly, and flashed a quick smile. i guessed you must have noticed how jumpy i am being. i’m sorry for being like this, despising my swollen eyes, despising that you just have to catch me at a moment like this. oh why oh why, am i minding it so much? isnt it disgusting to know i’m actually feeling this way?

well, sometimes i really dont understand myself. but i just cant help but want to know my place in your heart. secretly. shh, dont let anyone know.

 

it’s v-day tomorrow. i supposed i must be the very last person in the mood for love. but anyhow, happy v-day for those with heart-shaped eyes!

it’s gonna be wednesday, and as i sat here typing out these words, my eyes’s contours are still both itchy and bumpy. they started getting reddish and irritated since yesterday, and today, when i looked at them in the mirror, i was stunned because arent it suppose to heal by then? but oh well, perhaps it will get better tomorrow.

4 days of CNY just flew. it was heady, giddy, boring, sad, fun, angry, teary, emo, and it was filled with movies, bak kua, loads of popcorn, nachos and coke - all the junk in the world. maybe that explains my sudden horrible complexion and these irritated eyes? i haven even sort out my red packets yet and count the money. perhaps yes, you have guessed correctly, there’s not much cash inside them to be stacked up anyway. shit, come to think of it, where have i chucked all those ang baos?! damndamndamn. this goes to show how cny will always be some weird, emotional, and sad sad affair now. i will never love it the same way again. i know i will miss you stuffing an ang bao under my pillow when i’m asleep, i know i will. oh god i miss you. during those house visits, i will think, where would you be sitting? what would you eat and drink first? who would you talk to and what would you have said? i kept conjuring up images and thoughts, and you know, they never stopped. i wish you were here. i wish you would come into my dreams every night.

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i have watched Ah Long Pte Ltd, Kungfu BB, CJ7 and Sweeney Todd… so what’s next? Sweeney Todd was pretty bloody and gruesome by the way, i dont really fancy it. Ah long and kungfu bb were funny.. and i cried during CJ7.. what gives? oh i dont know. but you know the hospital scene and everything? it tightens my heart and squeeze at my throat, my eyes.. and tears just gathered.

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something rather random, Junkie is what’s accompanying me these days. it’s funny and i love it :)

the countdown has began and i know i have plenty of decisions to be making for this very month, including march. lots and lots of planning and not much choices, but a final decision that would probably have an impact on my future. should i or should i not? which and why and how and then.. what’s next? .. am i doing the right thing? i’m confused and stuck and trapped.

actually i want to say more, i got loads to tell, but just how should i phrase it so that it would describe my feelings, thoughts and expressions correctly?

i cant think of such perfect words, so i rather not say. i just wanna ask myself if i’m ready for the challenge that’s waiting right round that corner.

 

P.S: so, it’s good night world. and i love you, Ma and Pa.