i’m feeling rather fainted right now.. exams are over and that’s really great - but the feeling that comes right after kind of sucks.. like, what should i be doing now? should i go look for another job? data-entry.. f&b.. or, back to tagging undies? there is truly arent any room for much choices, i realized. (-.-)

so, today is the first day of me, yet again relishing the freedom that i’m having at the moment. it’s really.. uh shiok. but i think i better start doing some housework soon! (damn my eyes are starting to i*** again)

**

 

想说， 我还是非常的想念你。。感觉上， 你以然在我的身旁
空气中， 还残留着你身上的香水味。。你。。 一直都在这吧？
在我摸不到，也看不到的地方

finally, i feel that somehow i have my feet back firmly on the ground, after what seems like weeks and weeks of floating around listlessly like a wandering figure, with no goals, no dreams, no life - and only formulas, sample questions, heaps and stacks of crumpled notes, sounds of pencil squeaking against the garlsberg table top, flicks of calculator buttons, the two small bumps on my right finger..

.. and i’m back! we polished off the last damn paper today, and here’s to two weeks of not worrying.. but i will worry once these 14 days passed, i swear. results might not be very pretty, i can feel it - heck. but then again, what’s done cannot be undone, and what’s written and submit can never be changed. so here.. enjoy these two weeks!

to sum it all actually, this semester had to be my worst ever. i dont like how things is going around, flying around like some yucky brunch of trash.. well, it’s really hard to describe. but things always comes and go, comes again and left by the back door, so i should keep my cool.

and two cases of eye allergy, two different doctors, eighty bucks spent on yucky bitter medicine, phew, it’s all over.

 

p.s. i really hope that our 3 years of friendship hasnt just gone down the drain.. or being bunched up like some ball of junk.. like that.

thanks to baby girl’s good lucks and jia yous and also, you, your good luck this morning. you have no idea how cheered up and encouraged i’ve became. thank you, you have no idea :)

2 days of MC.. which is almost useless since i have no class on thursday anyway and friday, tomorrow, i’m going back school to pick up my portfolio @!$@#$@ and i so dont want to go.

i’m feeling kind of lousy right now.. the itchiness and the swell is finally getting onto me. i keep trying to refrain myself from having the urge to scratch but the itchiness came back after 10 minutes of applying the cream the doctor gave me. meaning that it is actually useless? hmmm. i have a disturbed nap this afternoon, and it’s still bothering me. and our house is feeling more cramped again tonight because.. yep, he’s here. i’m really getting annoyed over that, oh it beats me so.

about 6 more days to the first big paper.. and i haven even start studying yet. *knocks own head* and the thing is, being the mood i’m in, stuck with this eye infection and the fact that i might flunk my BB and N quizzes, everyone seems irritating to me - haha, i assumed i’m just being that annoying pricky picky fickle petty girl once again! - and that will pass soon.. hopefully.

may tomorrow be a brighter day for us all.

wednesday did not do my eyes any good. imagine waking up to see a pair of eyes with single-eyelids staring right back at yourself in the mirror - that’s truly one of the greatest shock a girl doesnt need on a cold, dreary 8am morning.

and today, it was not a very good day. i dont know why i minded so much, mind for the fact that my eyes are in one of their worse state and i’m looking so pale and shabby, and then, you came and called my name, tapped on my shoulder and talked to me from behind. i dont know why, but i minded very much. minded very much that i dont want to turn, and have you gasping at how horrible i’m looking, but i did turn reluctantly, and flashed a quick smile. i guessed you must have noticed how jumpy i am being. i’m sorry for being like this, despising my swollen eyes, despising that you just have to catch me at a moment like this. oh why oh why, am i minding it so much? isnt it disgusting to know i’m actually feeling this way?

well, sometimes i really dont understand myself. but i just cant help but want to know my place in your heart. secretly. shh, dont let anyone know.

 

it’s v-day tomorrow. i supposed i must be the very last person in the mood for love. but anyhow, happy v-day for those with heart-shaped eyes!

it’s gonna be wednesday, and as i sat here typing out these words, my eyes’s contours are still both itchy and bumpy. they started getting reddish and irritated since yesterday, and today, when i looked at them in the mirror, i was stunned because arent it suppose to heal by then? but oh well, perhaps it will get better tomorrow.

4 days of CNY just flew. it was heady, giddy, boring, sad, fun, angry, teary, emo, and it was filled with movies, bak kua, loads of popcorn, nachos and coke - all the junk in the world. maybe that explains my sudden horrible complexion and these irritated eyes? i haven even sort out my red packets yet and count the money. perhaps yes, you have guessed correctly, there’s not much cash inside them to be stacked up anyway. shit, come to think of it, where have i chucked all those ang baos?! damndamndamn. this goes to show how cny will always be some weird, emotional, and sad sad affair now. i will never love it the same way again. i know i will miss you stuffing an ang bao under my pillow when i’m asleep, i know i will. oh god i miss you. during those house visits, i will think, where would you be sitting? what would you eat and drink first? who would you talk to and what would you have said? i kept conjuring up images and thoughts, and you know, they never stopped. i wish you were here. i wish you would come into my dreams every night.

-

i have watched Ah Long Pte Ltd, Kungfu BB, CJ7 and Sweeney Todd… so what’s next? Sweeney Todd was pretty bloody and gruesome by the way, i dont really fancy it. Ah long and kungfu bb were funny.. and i cried during CJ7.. what gives? oh i dont know. but you know the hospital scene and everything? it tightens my heart and squeeze at my throat, my eyes.. and tears just gathered.

-

something rather random, Junkie is what’s accompanying me these days. it’s funny and i love it :)

the countdown has began and i know i have plenty of decisions to be making for this very month, including march. lots and lots of planning and not much choices, but a final decision that would probably have an impact on my future. should i or should i not? which and why and how and then.. what’s next? .. am i doing the right thing? i’m confused and stuck and trapped.

actually i want to say more, i got loads to tell, but just how should i phrase it so that it would describe my feelings, thoughts and expressions correctly?

i cant think of such perfect words, so i rather not say. i just wanna ask myself if i’m ready for the challenge that’s waiting right round that corner.

 

P.S: so, it’s good night world. and i love you, Ma and Pa.

i sat here thinking, pondering, wondering, straightening my overflowing thoughts. thoughts that seem to accumulate by themselves over these few days, through my surroundings, my peers, my family, and myself. i talked to this friend i havent been keeping touch with for over 6 months now and his words were the harshest and yet the most true i had ever heard from my friends so far. no one had dared talked to me like that, no one -

"let me shoot the question back to you: wouldnt it be scarier to know when you are going to die?"

"at least you know, rather than not knowing?"

"would you rather live everyday enjoying it? or would you want to know when you are dying and countdown to it."

"but not knowing.. it’s so abrupt."

"the stress would do more harm and make you miss many beautiful things in life. here’s another view: so what if you really do know when you are going to die.. is there something you can do to stop it?"

"at least i can prepare something for my loved ones? .. do something.. at least?"

"i’m sorry i may sound harsh - but if you really cared so much for your loved ones, you would have taken care of them so much so. you know they are well-taken care of even when you passed away. not just when you are about to die, you want something done for them. if you really cared it should be done daily no matter what. that’s why the happiest people on earth are people that live everyday like their last; so they enjoy life and make sure if they really did die, they have no regrets."

"i dont deny what you saying is the truth.. i never did care enough. and to regret it now.. it’s too late."

"i know. this is something most humans does. they only regret when they really did lose something."

"isnt it stupid.. humans are stupid.."

"it’s the advancement in technology and the standard if living that makes us forsake something that is important we take for granted because of the safety it feels, thinking like it’s a fairytale, everything is a happy ending."

"thinking it’s a right.."

"yeah, we’re not stupid. it’s the environment that causes us to be like that. so dont blame yourself okay? rather, divert your energy and love to your family right now. i believe your dad wont want you to live in regret daily. make good use of the time now to show how strong your dad nutured you. like i said -"

"but i am not."

"it’s not your fault. and i never said you will be strong. only you yourself can show that. everyone is strong, it’s only a matter of taking the first step towards the goal. you have a choice now - stay at the current spot and continue whining about your life, how sad your life is and how unfair it is to you. or you can take the first step, and show that you are strong for yourself and your family. be there for your family when everyone is morally down, be the pillar of the family and do your father proud. the choice is yours, not me, your dad, your family. only you can choose how you want to live your life."

"i know what i must do.. but saying is always easier.. but i know i know.."

"i know that saying is always easier than doing. but as long as you set your heart on it, results will sure turn out well."

-

will it really be? really?

-

i’m rather sad right now. i know i must stop all these nonsense, all these confusion, mood swings, rants, whines - and i must really grow up and start thinking maturedly. i must stop being so materialistic and always judge a book by its cover, instead of the heart-warming things held inside. i’m truly sorry, for those who i had hurt, not delibrately but neither accidentally. i saw you today, we bumped into each other.. somehow, in my hearts of hearts, i know i liked you, i know that if i let myself fall into your arms, i might just be the happier person i wanna be. i know you might just guide me out of these darkness, these self-blaming, these regrets, these and that.. i know, if only i trust you more, if only i trust myself, my judgement, and if only, i held my hand towards you, you might just pull me up, pull me forward. but i’m scared, i’m wary, i dont trust us both. i dont trust myself to be able to continue liking you, and staying with you, and be faithful. because i know what kind of a person i am. i’m horrible, i’m mean, i can despise people before i can even stop to think. i judged using my eyes and not with my heart, not with my brain. and i dont trust you to be able to withstand my attitude, my darker side, my horribly twisted thoughts. what if you saw through them and decide i’m not the person you would wanna be with?

-

i’m just not a risk-taker. but tonight, i let these regrets overwhelmed me, and here i sat, thinking of the if-onlys, the might-have-beens.

if only i can undo the harsh words i ever say, and redo all over, we might not be in these shoes now, Pa..

if only i let you come into my life, we might just be the perfect couple, ..

if only.. and we might just be..

-

i know you’re watching over us, staying by us, giving us your blessings. i know, and i know. i believe that truly. thank you for the consolation you had given Ma tonight. thank you, Pa.