today is kind of my last day at LS. i’m feeling really weird indeed. and i do wonder why. i realized, i dont really want to walk out of my comfort zone, i dont wanna walk out and have something change that i might not like. i’m not a risk-taker, i’m not that courageous nor am i that adventurous. deep down, i’m scared. i’m worried. i’m afraid things wouldnt fall into place nicely, i’m fearful of setbacks. i hate this side of me. but i tell myself, lets not worry now shall we? let’s concentrate on what i have now, and figured out one by one. all things will find their way and fall into its own place, in its own time. i wanna believe that. i wanna trust myself. but..

i’m afraid and i dont know where i should go from here.

it’s back to school today and already, i made a foolish mistake of not asking my mates if there’s tutorial in the morning (cant they remind me too? HAR HAR HAR?!) and hence, i blindly hopped onto a cab, thinking i’m real late when i’m, in fact, TWO hours way earlier. so i reached the class, pushed opened the door and realized the room is in semi-darkness and not a single familiar face in sight. and to think i thought i went in the wrong class! so, i hurriedly closed the door and went next door to check.. but it turns out that i’m right for once but those in the room arent my groupmates but other people getting ready for their own ppt. a call answered by my sleepy friend that the class, indeed dont need our presence today. and so hurray, i wasted 6 bucks on cabfare!

oh well. luckily, i got stuff to do, or else i will definitely flared up. :(

so i,

♥ submit my resume/cover letter/job ad
♥ print copies of my MC
♥ drop by library and slacked there with a very funny book, Queen of Babble by Meg Cabot
♥ submit my MC

and finally, meet friend for lecture, which is pretty boring and empty. and thereafter, we

♥ went and concluded our BB presentation! yay

afterwhich,

♥ dear old Napfa :( which out of the 5 sections, i failed 3 hahahaha :( there, the proof that my bones are growing stiff and heavy! especially i was feeling rather sick and headachy after the 2.4 run. thank goodness that will be the last time ever i’m doing this! come to think of it, how the hell did i manage to get gold/silver/bronze for all those primary/secondary years were beyond my imagination, heh. we finished the test at evening, around 7pm plus. so very sweaty, so very beat.

-

i find humans beings very queer indeed. today, i was listening to my friends’ conversation and one of them was ranting to the other about her father/family, saying how they dont help out in housework yada, dont give allowance yada, and it got me thinking, what if something happened to their fathers/family - would they still rant about him like that? wont they want to remember only the person’s good things and kick away the bad? will they? wont we all? humans are like that arent we. is it the guilt seeping in, or the regrets kicking in? .. or probably both? tell me, i would like to know; if what had happened to me, happens to someone else, what and how would that someone feel?

for me, it’s abit of both and additionally, the unspoken love; and then, i realized i had never felt more overwhelmed.

when my time comes
forget the wrong that i’ve done
help me leave behind
some reasons to be missed

and dont resent me
when you’re feeling empty
keep me in your memory

leave out all the rest

x

I love you, Pa. please believe me, i really really do.

Things that made me happy/sad today:

♥ that teacher finally replied my nagging emails hahaha - and i got a reschedule.. but on study week :( but let’s not be too calculative here okay? i should be thankful yes. 10am in the morning wont make much difference to my study routine. right?

♥ white bread smeared with butter and a sprinkle of sugar :D

♥ tomorrow = back to school! i’m kinda excited, nervous, sad all at once!

♥ there’s this awful dented scar on my right cheek - DENTED COULD YOU BELIEVE. i’m definitely stocking up loads of Vitamin E argh argh arghhh, damn scars. my first ever dented scar!! pfft. please, please heal.

♥ exams time-table is out! it’s quite fair, not much complaints and on 27/2 i will be un-officially out of hell-hole hehehe :)

♥ i’m dying to catch 27 Dresses omg. :) right now, i’m totally in love with romances movies!

♥ o levels’ results are out today and i’m pleased with Beibei’s results! totally splendid that i’m feeling so ashamed for my mere 17 points. SIGH, the youngsters there days.. envy envy.

♥ school tomorrow, work the day after T_T

♥ decisions, decisions. should i continue my studies after poly?

♥ life is very, very fragile. death is the part of the cycle. life still have to be forced to go on.. like a rushing flowing river.. and that’s really sad.

Have you ever tried eating maggie mee that’s cooked without the seasoning, just a few drops of light soya sauce and a sprinkle of pepper? well, if you havent, go try it.. it’s very, uh, healthy :)

-

#1: oh no, on friday i will be back to school (hopefully, hopefully!) and i’m not that keen! reasons being, i’m not completely healed now yet (bummer, argh) but i cant be absent on friday itself because there’s too many things going on! and plus, would you want to go to school looking completely ugly? i’m just so worried right now. spots, please begone!

#2: my bank is really emptying, help.

#3: my teacher still havent reply me about my re-scheduling! @$@#$#@! please reply me, you’re driving me crazy!!

#4: i’m so terribly frustrated right now!!!!

-

bottomline is:

♥ teacher, please email me back ASAP right this minute, this very second!
♥ face, please heal, i kowtow to you
♥ please lock up my ib device, slap my itchy fingers
♥ inhale, exhale

hello world, i’m very sad right now. i seriously hate fast decision-making. it’s always like, what happens if i make the wrong one? and then this fear will flow in, resulting in me hesitating and hesitating, and then when you had finally made your decision, it just happens that that choice is no longer yours and had been snapped up by others.

i’m very very sad right now. i seriously pray that my interview can definitely be re-scheduled. to a satisfying time of course! please please puh-lease!

anyway, just received news that oh, i actually need to get back to work at the end of february if i want to continue being an employee of LS. heck, i will still be having my exams then! so, i guess it’s byebye? maybe, heh, sigh, i dont know! damn all these decisions. if only there are better choices available.

right now, i’m just praying that my slot for the interview can be changed!

i’m supposed to be studying.. and updating my portfoilo (hahaha, as if i got better things to put inside) but i cant find the only sole cert that i’m proud of! my CG cert.. :( damn, i always have such bad luck in finding things.

and i’m supposed to be doing irritating flash clips and setting questions for netsec and burying myself in mcomm book but i’m not doing any of these. i’m too busy worrying about my interview and for the past hour, i had been vigorously refreshing my tpmail page hoping to see new mails!

another thing i’m hoping, that i dont need an extent MC. if that’s the case, that’s really the end of my BB presentation and napfa test, shucks!

please please, re-schedule my interview.. puhh-leaseee..

oh the lucky me has an interview on this friday oh hell. i hate interviews, they’re truly the bane of my life. i think it’s just that i dont like all these tests that prove myself, my capabilites, etc.. well, because i dont think i have much of those. :( but i think friday that it’s.

so this friday, it will not only be my first day back in school after 2 weeks of absence, but i have BB presentation, napfa test and an interview scheduled. not to mention loads of notes to copy!

…..

 

boy, i cant wait. :(

but on a slightly cheerier note, i had just finished my resume, cover letter and found an awesomeeee job ad (ya right, boring actually, and so NOT me). so, say YAY! :D

 

p.s. i might not be quitting LS after all, old little contradicting me says. hah! oh hell.

the world seems very silent now. i’ve just finished the last juicy drop of Alice and now, i’m officially stuck with nothing left to read/do/watch anymore. oh it might be a good thing because i really need all the time in the 4 days left to study for bloody mcomm and finished my bloody resume and cover letter. oh god i hate resumes, i hate cover letters (what the heck are they anyway), and i hate hate mcomm. who cares about how our mobile phones work, who cares about how much receiver sensitivity or how whatever frequency re-use a cell has oh whatever whatever. it’s driving me crazy but wait a minute - it fills me with such rage that’s burning inside me and the evil voice is saying ‘i will tackle you, oh i love challenges come on now. i will master you!’

hahah, but.. monday. wait. it is monday, heck.

To-do-list for 21/01/2008:

-sent in testimonials and values reflection
-finish resume and cover letter (’at least try to, stupid’ - says the evil voice)
-study mcomm
-beg friends for tutorials

anyway, did i mention? i will be officially jobless on the 28/01/2008. say yay? maybe not hiakhiakhiakk, says the evil voice. no more extra luxuries for myself T_T, thinking ten times over whenever i want to make a purchase, bye to sexy bras and pretty undies, byeee to changing mop water, bye to stupid customers, byee to weird colleagues, byeeee to a life belonging to a no-lifer..

and hi to the free time in the world! free weekends yayy :)

but byeeeeeeeee to.. $$$$$!!!!..  T_T!

 

"Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today."

"You can find yourself in unreasonable places, and you can be wrong about alot of things; but if you believe in yourself, and if you choose to keep on smiling, you’ll be okay."

teeheehee, i opened microsoft word document and only managed to write 2 words, "Broadband Report". oh, pats on my back! i’m doing lots of things right now, checking my gmails (oh i love gmail), reading Alice online (oh my, the joy of finding this website! *heartshaped eyes*), BB textbook on my lap and hah, the wonders of online shopping! should i get that bag, oh should i should i?

and you know what, i was just thinking how scary a person can be - like, used to be so close and everything but suddenly, things just snapped and become what’s now. tattered and funny and such bitter-sweetness at the same time. but i can definitely get used to this :) it’s okay i tell myself, it’s nothing. since the other party is probably enjoying right now, so why should i care? yeah, probably maybe. hah, i know i have tell myself dozen times regarding my complicated friend issues that it’s alright, oh it’ll be over and it’ll pass. and i will just grow up and learn and get it over with. everything takes 2 hands to clap. YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF MY ATTENTION!, yeah yeah keep chanting okay? :)

oh yeah, i better get back to my BB now heeheehee.

sigh, now i really really dont wish to get back to school. life’s good staying at home and reading Alice everyday :) (i’m such a lazy bum)

 

such a change from a few days back! well.. that’s life.. isnt it? hee.

 

Reminder to self:

- write resume
- finish BB report
- completed the current flash clips and do 7 more (@_@)
- find out what is cover letter
- copy mcomm and BB tutorials

somehow, i kept telling myself that oh yes, i will definitely study, i got so much to catch up, and yes yes yes i certainly will study - but tomorrow okay?

and then, the tomorrow never comes. tomorrow becomes tomorrow becomes tomorrow. it’s like something so awful and lazy that i’m forever putting it off, procastinating, giving excuses to my head that oh there’s always tomorrow, isnt it? i dont know whats up with me, it’s so annoying, irritating and scary at the same time. i keep fearing that once i get back to school, i will feel the doom. i know i will. i got so much to do: flash clips, resume, bb report, mcomm lecture - many many things that keeps accumulating everyday. oh.. just what am i doing?

funny thing is, i know myself everytime, i know what consquences i will face, i know i know. but i will never learn will i? then again, everyday is flipping away so fast. the minute i woke up, the computer will be switched on, but i’m not doing my work if you’re wondering. i’m doing everything except work. then later on, i might sleep or watched tv, but never ever - work.

it’s really time i pinch my own cheek and slap myself umpteen times.

strangely enough, i dont miss school, i dont even miss my friends. not really. serious. in fact, i think this will be how it feels once the main exams are over. we will hardly contact after that. but well, that will be for another post in march.

-

i dream of him again last afternoon. and last night, i walked past the cabinet where he had so nicely displayed all those ornaments where he had gotten from all over the places, that i never learned to appreciate before october - and i stood there and cried.

i miss you, it always seems and feels like you’re always up there somewhere, or beside me somehow, watching, smiling, teaching, blessing..

i miss you everyday. 

i’m hungry hungry hungry hungry. hungry and nothing that i can eat!

tonight spells the 4th day of being down with this chicken pox virus and so far, everything is going so disaster-like and horrible. imagine being confined to that tiny space whereby you paces up and down (a few steps only) and sit at the same particular spot each day, flipping and reading the same old stuff, eating from a folded-out table, slurping watery substances from a bowl, staring sullenly into the air, sleeping and sleeping, oh god, the list could go on and on.. and did i mentioned that i’m missing, like, 31 hours of important lectures and tutorials?! (hah! imagine me pinning over these boring stuff)

but well, hey anything could be better than being holed up - okay, i’m the one holeing up myself - right?

11 more days to go T_T and i’m starving already.

i’m very sad right now.

did the bad luck in 2007 followed me into 2008? and scary enough, a friend was mentioning about his chicken pox to me just these few days back.

OMG, i still cant believe my luck. - is this the sign that you’re hinting me that i will fail my papers, God?

 

it always always feel like such things could only be heard from other people’s mouth.  

my eyes are blinking rapidly, desperately trying to squeeze out more tears to make up for the dehydration of my eyes for having contacts on for more than.. err, 11 hours? oh somebody shoot me please.

right now, my groupmates and i are trying to distribute out tasks for BB and netsec damn bloody projects and i’m not really paying attention. my feet hurts, my shoulder aches, and my arms lacked strength. my head is doozy and sleepy and my tastebuds is relishing the taste of cold milk in my mouth. oh something abit strange, the bb book that sat on my lap smells absolutely fresh and good. hmmm..

ANYWAY, the main point is, our distribution of tasks is over and.. i’ve gotten one of the few worst ‘what are you talking about’ topics. oh, how lucky do i always get? we have one individual report to submit on tuesday and not a single weeny thing is done yet! oh gosh, i should start asking my brain to panick now, so my hands will react to the tasks that’s flashing neon RED.

DO NETSEC
DO BB
DO NETSEC
DO BB
DO NETSEC
DO BB

.. NOW!

sigh, like not really working eh? help!

-

one happy thing, i bought a blue top yesterday and 3 cheap watches, and a hoodie :)

one sad thing, Kakak called me yesterday and it was a missed call and i didnt call back.. - guess what? she wanted to give me off today actually! but bloody one, no fate one, i thought they wanted me to do some dirty job so i ignore it. :( stupid stupid girl. or i could think of a million fun ways to spend a friday!!! WITH NO WORK!

one sad thing, in the end, i went to Bugis and exchange my pretty blue top for a sensible grey one. the shop was trapped between countless of distractions but thank goodness - i found it and i was happy :) never mind, i loved grey.

one sad thing, it was abruptly Kakak’s last day at TM today. maybe the feeling hasnt really sink it yet, it was still abit too sudden.. i was thinking maybe next week or something.. ! but life is always this unpredictable, ennit?

one happy thing, yayyy almost everyone i knew passed BB with flying colours! i loved our lecturer; he’s so lenient :)

one sad thing, everyone scores high marks while i only scored a number 66. didnt i earnestly just wished that just as long as i passed, i’m happy? so whats this now? sulking and feeling sullen that i HAD indeed passed, but my marks arent as good as others? haha, bull’s eye!

one happy thing, Jas came to meet me for my break today :D we had 7 slices of Yakun toast and cant finish them, and their french toast pretty much sucks - oh i missed Killiney’s.

one sad thing, i dont want to do my assignments. :(

another last sad and happy thing, i feel like such a petty girl sometimes, loving the feel of stabbing those who stabbed me. this friendship is strained, it’s cracking, it’s falling, it’s vanishing, it’s nothing. i’ve been taught that friends do come and go, and while those who matters will leave footprints in your heart, some others are just not worth going after.

p.s. but shucks, i’m still sulking over such friendships. not worth going after indeed. i hate things that made me sulked! humpfff.

-

Happy things: 3.5
Sad things: 5.5

Verdict: oh, i’m just such a sad person! :(

the time now is 1:53am and i’ve just spent 6 hours queueing up for my turn at Maple Clinic since 7pm.. and i was the LAST one, No.46! lucky, lucky me. :D

and i spent so so much today: snacks, tori-q, drinks, cab fare, cleo magazine, clear mascara, and $135 worth of Maple stuff!

omg, so broke, so so brokeeee. and tired, eyes twitching.

 

but nevertheless, i feel pretty contented right now. more shopping yo!

right now, i’m home feeling a little tad sad. well, just a little perhaps...

how would you feel when your so-called okay classmate, Friend B, tells you that a distant friend, Friend C, who you dont even exchange byes and hellos had been gossiping about you to B? or how would you feel whether this Friend B could be trusted because why didnt she try defending you or something? she didnt really, did she? and how would you know if this B hasnt been gossiping along with C and was telling you a different story saying only C is doing that? C is snotty and bitchy but, is your friend, B, like this too? ah, backstab, backstab not, it’s really that hard to judge.

and out of all topics, it had to be my dressing that you’re yakking about there. think again - just as long as i think i looked good, who the hell cares what you think?

i should really feel that honoured, Friend C, that out of so many people, it’s me you choose to gossip about!

ohh, thank you! (roll eyes)

Harry: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
Sally: What?
Harry: I love you.
Sally: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry: How about, you love me too.
Sally: How about, I’m leaving.
Harry: Doesn’t what I said mean anything to you?
Sally: I’m sorry, Harry. I know it’s New Year’s Eve. I know you’re feeling lonely, but you just can’t show up here, tell me you love me, and expect that to make everything all right. It doesn’t work this way.
Harry: Well, how does it work?
Sally: I don’t know, but not this way.
Harry: How about this way? I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Sally: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you, and I hate you, Harry. I really hate you. I hate you.

okay, it’s new year. i can still hear crackers exploding in the night air with a WHEEEEEEEEEE sound. one by one, they cheer in awe of a new year. WHEEEEEEEE, they went, and went..

what does year 2008 means to you? something to look forward to? to anticipate something refreshing, something fun, something nice, all sugary and with a bit of spice perhaps? and what does ending of the year 2007 means? what would come right after? an ending to a bad year and oh yay, it ends, meaning the worse would be over and now, would come the great things that you had been looking forward to?

i dont know what year 2008 means to me. today, it just feels like the ending to 12 months of bad bad days and at 12pm, when the clock strikes, the countdown started again, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and then it repeats over and over again, adding all days into weeks into months and then into the years. and the pattern continues..

what to look forward to this brand new year? yes, the number 2008 sounds refreshing enough, anything but 2007, anything but that bad bad year, filled with the worse days of my life. but 2008.. so what? i see people whoop and cheer, i see people hug and kiss in celebration that they could witness a brand new start together, and what filled their hearts are hope that this new year would bring better things.. leave all the sorrow, hatred, regret, anger, unhappiness and loneliness behind in that year, locked it, jumped into this new number with the key tossed behind.

i want to feel like them, whooping in glee and hope and love, to be swimming in that sea of familiar faces i loved and cared most about, feeling warm, safe and happy. i want to leave this jumble of mess behind and jumped right in after them before that hole of 2007 closes. but i cant. my body might have entered the 2008, but my heartstrings had tied my soul in the past, in 2007, trapped, waiting, staying, lingering, longing.. and hoping..

i cant bear to leave, not really; i dont want to step into another new year feeling incomplete, feeling lost. it feels like i’m betraying Pa and stepping furthur and furthur away from him.. as time ticks second by second away.. as i started writing dates with "2008" behind.. i wont get use to it, i’m not sure when i will ever be.

perhaps, an increment of a digit sparks more happiness, hope, joy, and laughter..

i would be lying if i said i’m not anticipating. but then again, i might be lying about that too.

-

short and brief about my last day in 2007:

1) i got back m-comm paper - i got 46 marks out of 50! whoopedooooooo, this made my day more than a waffle hotdog would seriouslyyy! :)
2) for the first time, i had my first Macs breakfast - alone. it was nice.
3) we closed shop at 8+ and it was fun hanging out and having supper at Macs during the last few hours left of 2007 with Shaz. including shopping! though, it’s a short while because all shops closed early, we had fun.
4) we talked, laughed, talked, while chewing fries, filet burger for her and nuggets for me and cokes for us both. we discovered that we are really alike. ahahahaha, it’s comforting knowing that you’re actually pretty normal and not a nutty as you previously thought.
5) My buys:
- Brown Crystal belt - omgomg i love this but i’m unsure if i can wear it.
- 5 mahjong papers - to wrap parcels
- Scotchtape - to stick mahjong paper together
- $128 worth of LS stuff - for sisters and i

6) regarding yesterday frigging issue with my big sister, the more i think about it, the more pissed i am. and she tried talking to me in this voice like i am a 3-year old this morning. excuse meeeeee. this makes me more pissed than ever. then, she want me to use the $50 she gave me for transport this month to buy her bras and that she will ‘pay back the remaining’. like hello, then why in the first place did you gave me the transport fee for? %^&#$@ and to think she got like, 2 or 3 months worth of bonus? dont give me money then.

-

okay, i know it’s very bad to be at loggerheads with your silbling during new year, but sometimes, circumstances cant be helped. i dont wanna be rude or anything but who starts this first by minding her bf’s blankie so much? yes you read correctly: a BLANKET.

yes yes, your bf’s blankettt is so frigging important and pure and clean.

haha, i’m being such a bitch on the first day of 2008.

-

new year resolutions! people make them every year, but they make them for fun and how many actually stick by it?

so i’m not going to be greedy and make a list of items that i would forever procastinate and never achieve. so.. just a few well-wishes for everybody!

.. May Ma be happier and may things go her way and runs a smooth path for her to walk on, more good people come and help along the way, may she dont worry so much and live each day with a spring in each step and may she be healthy and strong,

.. May my big hot-tempered sister grow more mature and be more sensitive,

.. May my second sister work higher up the ladder and perhaps, achieve her dreams of studying business, and do learn to be a better mother,

.. May my little brother play hard and work harder, make worthy friends in his remaining secondary school years, master his guitar, and be a more mature and sensible boy,

.. May my little nephew, xavier baby, my favourite boy continues to grow up as he is now - cheeky, happy and funny - and more less mischievous and thoughtful,

.. May my brother-in-law, though whom i dont converse much to, build up a steady carreer, be a better husband to my sister and a wonderful father to my nephew,

.. May i, be more thoughtful, responsible, cheerful, happy-go-lucky and less annoying, get mad less, take up some anger/frustration/patience management course, and be more hardworking and considerate! and perhaps more sociable than now. and be a better daughter, sister, aunt, colleague, friend.

.. May Pa, really rest in peace. and may you know that we missed you so. terribly. and we loved you so much.

.. and to my friends, and darlings, to be able to succeed in whatever they’re doing and happy working towards their goals!

 

God, just packed everything nasty, hurtful, unhappy and regretful away and rained some fairydust for everyone. 2008 marks a new start of a hope, that after the heavy down-pouring rain, indeed comes the rainbow. would you bring a better tomorrow than the yesterday?

 

"Friends are there to let you be yourself and to accept you for who you are now and whoever you may be tomorrow. it’s important to remember that people change and grow, and as friends we need to let them happen; we need to lend our support, not our critism."