i want to write something, to let you know that though things are definitely been smoother this past two weeks, it still arent the same and life still seems so out-of-ordinary. i want to be ordinary you know, just like any average girl wanting a family and just having the usual day-to-day happiness; of stepping out of the house and coming back knowing that the whole family is still here, everyone is still safe, warm and happy, and the moment you opened that door, you will see those smiling, familiar faces. it’s really frightening to know that how come when at so many moments of time before, you have that particular privilege, but you never cherished, you never thank god for giving you such simplest pleasures and you still blamed the world for being a tad unfair. you wanted more, you’re never satisfied, never contented. greed is such an awful sin, i feel now. and one day, that privilege that you think of as a right, vanished and disappeared out of your very eyes, lots of emotions will come swirling around you, embedding deep into your heart, digging a deeper hole each time and there it stays, there it lingers, torturing and tormenting you each and every day.

i still could remember that very moment, when i looked fiercely into that doctor’s pair of eyes through tear-filled eyes, daring him to tell me the worst. i was daring him, angrily using my stare to make him say something good. i dont believe god would be so unfair, i dont want to believe. i looked into those eyes, my heart pleading and thumping speedily, dreading the moment those words that would come out of that mouth. i could feel it, i could guess what he was going to say, because something was very wrong the way he tried to calm us down and fear was gripping painfully at my heart, twisting it, and i feel my surroundings going quiet and only the doctor’s words piercing into my ears.

just this evening, Ma asked me suddenly, ‘Do you think he is happy.. going away like that..?’

i swallowed hard and say yes, he should be, he no longer need to worry and stress over those debts..

but you know, i really dont know. God.. is Pa, at peace now? is he in heaven looking down at us? can he still see.. feel us? hear our thoughts? does he knows we’re missing him each and every second? does he..

does he..