you know, i’ve once copied a quote that i really loved, into my old blog. i still love it now, very much. pity it didnt seems to be hammered inside my brain. please rewind and let me undo these sins. can you do that, god?

If I forgot that you were someone who had once gave up hopes and dreams for me, you were someone who had rejoiced when I was born, someone who understood sufferings and failures, who is learning and stumbling and learning with every step of fatherhood - i’d have been bitter and resentful and immensely selfish. I can imagine a dozen Perfect Fathers in my life, but what’s the use? You probably could imagine a dozen Perfect Daughters too. At the end of the day, we are who we are. Because love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit out own image.. otherwise we love only the reflection of our idealism we find in them.

I love this quote, it speaks so much. i had always known, always loved, always keep reminding myself. but how come humans always let anger, or bitterness, or our selfish-ness, take over the most humane part of ourselves? why couldnt we forsake, relent, and give in when we could? as usual, the question begins with a why.. and ended up in question marks.

 

Love is not easily angered, it keep no records of wrong.

i want to write something, to let you know that though things are definitely been smoother this past two weeks, it still arent the same and life still seems so out-of-ordinary. i want to be ordinary you know, just like any average girl wanting a family and just having the usual day-to-day happiness; of stepping out of the house and coming back knowing that the whole family is still here, everyone is still safe, warm and happy, and the moment you opened that door, you will see those smiling, familiar faces. it’s really frightening to know that how come when at so many moments of time before, you have that particular privilege, but you never cherished, you never thank god for giving you such simplest pleasures and you still blamed the world for being a tad unfair. you wanted more, you’re never satisfied, never contented. greed is such an awful sin, i feel now. and one day, that privilege that you think of as a right, vanished and disappeared out of your very eyes, lots of emotions will come swirling around you, embedding deep into your heart, digging a deeper hole each time and there it stays, there it lingers, torturing and tormenting you each and every day.

i still could remember that very moment, when i looked fiercely into that doctor’s pair of eyes through tear-filled eyes, daring him to tell me the worst. i was daring him, angrily using my stare to make him say something good. i dont believe god would be so unfair, i dont want to believe. i looked into those eyes, my heart pleading and thumping speedily, dreading the moment those words that would come out of that mouth. i could feel it, i could guess what he was going to say, because something was very wrong the way he tried to calm us down and fear was gripping painfully at my heart, twisting it, and i feel my surroundings going quiet and only the doctor’s words piercing into my ears.

just this evening, Ma asked me suddenly, ‘Do you think he is happy.. going away like that..?’

i swallowed hard and say yes, he should be, he no longer need to worry and stress over those debts..

but you know, i really dont know. God.. is Pa, at peace now? is he in heaven looking down at us? can he still see.. feel us? hear our thoughts? does he knows we’re missing him each and every second? does he..

does he..

you know sometimes you will think, you have no exact favourite food in the world? everything seems nice to your tongue and everything seems to be your favourites, but i think today, after chomping down a waffle hotdog, i daresay that that is my most favourite snack ever and ever. it is the best combination in the whole wide world; its sweetness just surrounds the taste of the hotdog so purrfectly and i love love it :)

it’s really unhealthy though!

a few minutes ago, i just smsed Kakak to tell her that i cannot participate in the gift-swap. seriously, i hoped she understands and not think that i’m stingy or whatsoever. you know, sometimes how people just think stuff of the wrong way, thinking you’re just giving a weak excuse, but then again, who do i owe this explanation to? it gets tiring if i explained too much, and sometimes i think it’s better to give up caring.

i knocked off two hours earlier today and it’s great. BK breakfast accompanied by iced lemonade and milo, sales sales sales, and laughter filled the entire working hours. we sold many many pj’s and packed many many many gifts boxes and it’s like repeatedly doing the same action over and over - fishing out a piece of thin tissue from the folded pile, slapped it on the counter, flipped the item to be wrapped in the middle and slap, slap, slap with scotchtape repeatedly at the edges, flopped it into the box, closed it, and sealed it with the LS label tape.

and a customer beckoned me inside the fitting room and managed to amaze me with her ahems. oh wow - am i just lucky or what? some people really enjoyed fawning their assets, daring to walk out in the public like that when their boobies are at the risk of popping out. i guess they like it because it makes people’s eyes popped out too? at least, mine did! hahahah. *shys*

libraries are so boring nowadays. i dropped by there just now and spent an entire hour picking up books and putting it back to the shelves in the end. it’s like, oooh, this cover is gorgeous! -picks it up- ooohh, this seems interesting! -picks it up- and then, omg this must be good! -picks it up-… but in the end? i dismissed one book after another and in the end, i’m left empty-handed. pffttt. The Lovely Bones that’s it. unfortunately for me, the moment i stepped out of the library, the sky is roaring angrily and rain was hammering on the pavement in many many straight lines. blessed the umbrella! but freezing to death (i had smartly choose not to bring my cardigan) is one thing, and getting constantly splattered by the rain is another. wet and cold just doesnt go well together. brrrrrrrrrr!

you know what i really need right now? good songs, terrific songs, english or chinese no matter. i just need NEW songs!

bloody jay chou new songs - can you believe i still hasnt hear it from my ipod? after like, 2 months since i have uploaded it inside?!