Do you know how it feels like to be waiting and anticipating for something, someone, and constantly worrying whether your break time clashes? do you understand how it feels putting contacts just to look nicer in the morning and looking up every few minutes to search for the shop’s front for those familiar faces?

Do you know the the feeling of having the thought, ‘they’ll be here! soon. yup, probably on their way right now!’ passed through your mind a dozen times per hour? do you, do you? and the disappointment and confusion that washes over you after the crowd had cleared out, the metal door clanged shut and still, there’s no sign of them?

Yup, I did, today i felt them all.

1st optimistic thought of the day: oh never mind, i will get over it. in fact, i’m getting over it right now.

and then, when you came home, you’re all grumpy and gray and shrieked at your sister for wearing a top that you’re thinking of selling. for what? do i have to vent my irritation on others? what’s up with me.. afterwhich you felt guilty and tell her that nevermind, she can wear it anyway as long as she likes.

and then, you’re distant with your mother too, keeping your lips tight - you dont wish to say too much. what’s all these grumpiness about anyway? hormones overfried?

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i met Serene for lunch today since she’s conveniently working at isetan! :) a quicky lunch - fish soup mee for her and tao suan for me and sticky bubble teas afterwards. Cat and Flora both drop by to visit too! it’s a happy day, seeing all those familiar faces.. :) i guessed there’s nothing i should be complaining. take this phrase, extract from my current favourtie book,

Take, for example, Elizabeth; she lies in bed worrying about car tax and phone bills, babysitters, paint colours. If you cant put magnolia on the wall then there are always a million other colours you can use, if you cant pay our phone bills then just write them letters telling them. I’m not playing down the importance of these things, yes you need money for food, yes you need food to survive, but you also need sleep to have energy, to smile to be happy, and to be happy so you can laugh, just so you dont keel over with a heart attack. People forget that they have options. And they forget that those things dont really matter. They should concentrate on what they have and not what they dont have. And by the way, wishing and dreaming doesnt mean concentrating on what you dont have, it’s positive thinking that encourages hoping and believing, not whinging and moaning.

i think i had mention this phase before, but i’m re-reading the book again, so there!

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2nd optimistic thought of the day: 2 more days..! just 2 more days!

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Dear Pa, i.. miss you so so much. Ma does it too, and just this afternoon, we both cried over you again. Ma sitting on the floor, and me, standing up. Ma was taking out that plank of tile that you had cut and intending to glue it back to the tileless part of the sink but never got the chance because you told Ma that one of these days, you guys can go to Si Ma Lu to purchase a stronger glue for both the sink in the kitchen and the bathroom. so many things that you had left behind. so many planned tasks and dates that you wanted to do soon, but never got the chance. one topic leads to the other and we started talking about the day before you went away - the places that you went, the things that you say and do.. Ma’s blaming herself but i think the blame should be inflicted more on me.. why hasnt i stopped you from ironing all your shirts and pants that day? why hasnt i bother to say, ‘Pa, take a rest.’ or even offered to help you? why am i always neglecting your needs, thinking you dont need them, thinking you’ll be okay? why am i so awful, dreadful and terrbily selfish? Dear Pa, you must be disappointed in having such a useless daughter like me. Dear Pa, have i disappoint you too many times but you never once did say? Did everytime i mention why you kept drinking and coming home late, or you cant even open the front door yourself, saddens you greatly? I’m feeling very miserable over all of these. i kept thinking about the things that i should have done, but never bothered to, about the times i only complain and complain but never did try to find the sole reason and only kept asking why. i never bother to ask if you’re tired out working and ‘Why dont you take a rest and we go out for a nice meal?’ so many things i never bothered to do.. and now, it’s all too late.

these tears should just keep falling and falling. i dont deserve to be your daughter. i had done too little, ask too little, care too little, share too little and complaint too frequently.. Pa.. Pa, would you ever know how sorry i am? how i wish to undo everything that i ever did to hurt you, how i wish i had a second chance.. just one more.. and i promised this time i will do it right.

Dear Pa, Ma is acting very strong on the surface. she is still going to her new job everyday, buy lunches for us when she comes back, cook us dinners, read newspaper and sleep at the same spot every night. But somehow, i sense a great sadness about her. she never often says how she is feeling, but after that talk we have about you this afternoon, i could hear her sniffing quietly in the kitchen. Dear Pa, everyone misses you very very much. i supposed, the person you cant let go would be Ma. but you need not worry, she still have us, i swear i will take good care of her. though she looks fine on the surface, i know how much she is greiving deep inside. she loves you alot you know.. though she’s always nagging at you.. but she loves loves you.

Dear Pa, xavier still remembers that you always take him to airport to watch the planes fly. he looks at your pictures, and still can call you ‘Gong Gong’. often, he will go to your altar and says things like, ‘GongGong, i’m going school now.’ i wonder if you can hear.. can see?

Dear Pa..

blogsome sucks today, i just wrote a shitload worth of stuff and upon clicking ‘Publish’, pffft, it’s gone! damnnn damnnn damnnnnn