you know what i really hate about a gloomy, gray and rainy day? the bout of itchiness and rashes that sets on my skin and continued to stay there even after bathe. god, i really hate that. and just about right now, i’m itchy at the arms and legs area.. which totally spoils the studying mood today! and it had been raining consistently these past few days - you really should imagine how itchy i feel. :( worse still, remedies like snake powder or skin cream dont help either. yes, they help cool the skin down, but heck, the itchiness and irritation comes right back after a few seconds. i really hate staying home and sitting down whole day long on rainy days! arghhhhhh. i dont feel fantastic right now.

anyway, after a whole day long of stuffing notes into my brain, they’re still swimming in endless circles inside my head right now. what i’m afraid is, these knowledge that i have just implant into my brain would continue swirling in my brain pools and refused to generate during the test tomorrow (okay, today, since it’s past 12)! oh no, i pray that that wont happen! i will take a deep breath and go through the notes again in the morning. it will be fine, it will be okay.. :)

like i had mentioned earlier, today 11/12/2007 marks a very important day. it’s the 49th day since Pa went away. in the morning at 7 o’clock, we’ll have to be at Mandai doing some offerings ritual. but i wont be going because the taxi will be packed - da, er, yh and xy (da’s boyfriend). so i supposed i will stay home and help out Mum and at the same time, wishing i was there, but telling myself never mind, i will be there soon. soon, Pa. can i tell you again how much i misses you, Mum misses you - everyone is missing you? something is always wrong without you. and there i was just now, studying in your bedroom, and for a brief moment, a thought slipped inside my head, going: ‘oh i must quickly packed up and move to the living room to study.. Pa will be home soon.’ there’s a known fact that i will never ever get used to life without you. Never.

you know what i am seriously hoping and praying right now? that you have reached that bridge like they said you would, on this 49th day, and you will drink the mengpo soup and forgets everything, forgets us, free from mortal sufferings. leave all this pain behind and embarks on a blissful trip to heaven and reunite with Ah ma - or something equally blissful. my head seems blank now, i dont know how this 49th day truly means and how i should be feeling about this. just one thing that i can be completely sure is that my heart aches and pins for you. to be right beside me, asking me to help you massage or scratch your back.. to call me ‘De’ again.. to remark teasingly that my hair is so long and that i should cut it short, like Mum’s.. to say again how much you like that food and if there are any leftovers, keep it inside the fridge and the next day you can eat again.. ..

the way you rubs your nose,
the way you adjusts your belt,
the way you shrugs,
the way you look whenever you play with xavier,
the way you stabs something with your fork and brings it to your lips,
the way you sit in front of the tv, with your favourite wineglass by your side, - ‘is that wine!?’  ‘no, it’s chrysanthmum tea.’
the way you gets up from bed,
the way you hug your bolster,
the way you always comb your hair smartly before work,
the way you look when you’re cycling,
the way you snores whenever you fall asleep on the sofa, on the bed,
the way you paints the walls,
the way you fixed those lights,
the way you look at Mum whenever you teases her,
the way you always eat, with a spoon and a fork,
the way you iron your shirts..

you know what, as these tears slip and splatter on the keyboard, i’m saying fiercely to myself, that i will never ever forget your every reaction, every expression, every laugh, every words, every movement. they’re imprinted in my heart, a part of me, and you know what Pa? one day, when my time finally comes to the end, i want to go up to wherever you are, hugs you tightly, breathes in your cologne, and be your Daddy’s Girl, to call you once again ‘Pa..!’, to ask for your forgiveness.. there are endless of things i wanna say to you. 

i remember on the night, the white door closed, and Da and me were left alone with Pa. there he rested, the white sheets pulled up to his chin, lying on the hospital bed. i remember seeing that pale face, those closed eyes, the same nose, same eyelashes, same hair, those lips.. i remember being in shock, still abit stunned and crying silently.. Da was saying to me, ‘Doesnt he looks like he’s sleeping..?’ and i agreed. and then something shook us and we collapsed to our knees, crying out for Pa, saying we’re so sorry, asking for his forgiveness, that we’re forever so ignorant. which just wasnt an excuse. and then, the people came in with this large metal box.. we kept on hitting the door button, not wanting the door to be closed, so we could see everything, whatever they’re doing to Pa.. that’s when the hospital man beside us said, ‘let the doors closed, let them do their work.’ we obeyed. and when the doors opened again, Pa’s gone, and the metal box was carried out. we sat on the van with Pa (without the metal box) and on the entire way home, i was chanting ‘Pa, let’s go home. We’re going home.’ non-stop. and then when we reached below the block, i saw that the yellow banners and shelters were being set-up. it was still feeling like a nightmare, as it did now, on this rainy gray day. it’s gloomy, it’s .. and i think the strongest and the saddest person is Mum. throughout the whole wake and even till now, she’s incredibly strong and tough. i’m so proud of you, Mum. but at the same time, she worries me the most. she’s the most important person in my life right now. i pray for her day and night, that the one up above will continue to bless her with all the good things in life - she’e been through too much, my Mum.

i dont know why i’m writing all these down suddenly. maybe it’s because i dont want to forget. each dreadful moment, each second passed with tears, i want to remember them forever. i want to learn fully what this lesson is teaching me. it’s teaching me something priceless, invaluable, something paid so harshly, so highly, something paid with the father, husband, grandpa we love - something about love, appreciation, regrets, forgiveness, cherishing, longing, misses, unspoken words, sadness, bitterness, auguish, life.. death.

I want to remember forever and ever and be reminded of them each and every day. I want to learn. I want to learn what you’re teaching me, Pa.

And as the days goes by, these misses will continue to grow.. and they can only grow..