i’ve just came home, dumped my bag on my bed, washed-up, and now, reading my old blogs’ entries.

i dont know how to describe the feeling that washed over me when i scrolled through entries that i had once wrote about family outings, talks, meals, love. it was just earlier this year, and right now, a piece of it is missing. family gatherings and meals and talks and outings would never ever be the same again. how much i thought through it, about it. the constant heartache and the heavy cloud hanging over my head. i felt them everyday. i had never actually fully appreciated how blessed i actually was all this while. i always want more, forever uncontented, forever greedy, forever whining and bitching how much my life sucks and dull and sparkless, and right now, the realization that dawned to me was that i was truly very very blessed at that time. and how come i never cherish, appreciate, be content? how come i am always like that? this is incredibly infuriating. i’m angry at myself. i love you i love you i love love you. now, you would never know.

i kept telling myself, that you’re in somewhere - be it in another dimension, another entity, another world - happy, contented. i trust god to be there to accompany you, take care of you, and you and ah ma will be drinking tea somewhere up from above, gazing at us with humour sparkling in your eyes, saying how silly we are being, to pin for you so much when one day we’ll all be reunited together again.

i wanted to believe this story. but the fear of you not being fine just tears me apart all over again.

Are you well, Pa? Are you happier now, more relieve? Are you in a world where angels sings, where rainbows are there all year round, where blue birds chirps from the trees? where there is no darkness, no unhappiness, no anger, no evil deeds - only laughter, joy, bliss and peace?

i pray with all my heart and my soul, that you are in that world, happier than ever, free from the mortal worries. i pray that you’ll be able to feel and hear us say how much we miss and love you.

Death will not do us part. 

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he came to sit beside me today. i looked at his eyes, the smile twitching from his lips, and you know what, i suddenly feel like leaning over and rest my head on his shoulder. to feel safe and warm for that one split second. it’ve been very long since i felt such dependency.

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on a much lighter note, guess what? I PASSED MY M.COMM QUIZ! YES, THE VERY ONE THAT I SAID I WILL FAIL! AND TEACHER PRAISED ME, SHE SAYS I AM GOOD!