now, as i sat here typing this, i’m home again, after deciding to discard my actual plan of going to the school library to mug a bit before work at 6pm.

today just feels like a normal day, freezing cold in the morning, doubly after i came out of the shower (god, i hate morning showers), sunny when i unlocked the front door to get out, and windy again the moment i stepped out of the lift. the weather is crazy, just crazy, changing at every turn. who wont get sick like that you tell me? tutorials, lectures, notes-copying, day-dreaming, gravy egg-and-fish filet-and-hot dogs-with-rice, copying some more.. the 3 seats at the corner fits us perfectly :)

but how could a day, be so normal, yet so different? it felt empty somehow. i was staring up the sunny sky, and how nature never fails to rotate and shift each day, repeating the same cycle, just amaze me. so much misses, so much to say, left unspoken, discard at the back of the mind, forgotten..

 

8 MORE DAYS TO TERM TEST ZOMG!..

 

today is a pleasant day, well, at least being the pleasant-ness outweighs the yuckiness by this teeny bit. :) time was a drag and it’s even more of a drag when your watch timing is faster by the shop’s by almost 10 minutes. tsk, tsk!

i was thinking alot today, precious precious thoughts, and as much as i wanna blogged all of it down, i dont seem to remember everything anymore :( lousy memory! i shall try to recap and contain them all before writing a list.

so, the only thing i can remember is.. that i come up with something i called ‘Being Calculative’ (calculative not only in number terms but feelings and actions too). which describes me pretty perfectly.

yes, if you dont know me yet, i’m an extremely calculative person. sometimes so damn much that even i feel like pinching my own cheek. i prefer everything to be fair and equal, or if not, taking more than i give. so that i wont be the one hurting and writhing there, so that i’m always at the top and winning. i think i had trained myself sub-consciously to be like that, with my defensive and protective walls up, my brain will tell my body and mouth to do stuff that always have myself in mind first. unless, well, i’m very fond of you. and in that case, i’m willing to do much for you because i feel for you. (be it, in terms of friendship, love, etc) and that’s the only case whereby i feel obliged and happy and proud to be doing the giving. i know this is a bad persona, arent we taught to be caring, sharing and nice all along? but, i think i’ve gotten slapped too much in the face and heart, that’s why i’m having these redrawal symptons now. 

and being calculative at every detail - like why i should do that for you if you dont deserve it or why i must i always be the one who _______(fill in the blanks) - is very tiring indeed. so the one thing i must learn to do is not be so calculative and take things easy. i must learn to be able to switch to ‘i’m not going to care, i’m not going to get angry’ mood automatically. being calculative is making me a very mean and tired person. i must be nice, giving, loving, caring, sharing yada yada. i’ll try at least.

i want to learn to be like you, Pa.

and today i shall start from.. changing the stinky greying mop water when it should be that lazy ass, Shaz’s turn. dont be calculative.. i’ll just lecture her again soon, heh.

 

it always takes a tragedy or a very bad incident to teach people things. why god has make life this way i wonder. but of course, every single thing that happened means a new lesson is being taught. just that i feel, this lesson is just way too expensive. i cant afford. i cant get over it. i cant sit up straight and say, ‘okay, i’ll start afresh. i’ll pick myself up and be strong.’

i am strong. just not strong like that to forget my mistakes my guilt my pain, Pa.

i’m wrong, i’m wrong. i could only ask silently, pray silently, for your forgiveness. i miss you each and every second. it multiplies and accumulates. it feels like it’s exploding. but i’ll keep the tears in and keep on going.. and looking back at every step.