This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

okay, i’m actually going to shut down the computer, read Love, Rosie and get some sleep done before afternoon shift tomorrow, but i just received a message from friends asking me if i wanna skipped school on monday.

dilemma, dilemma.

i dont wanna skipped school, because we might know our term tests results and also, i’m not that keen to receive a second warning letter (though my first one was an error).

but then again, who wants to go school on a 8pm monday class?
and then again, submission of report is due tomorrow and my partner and i havent even touched it yet!

 

damnnnnn damnnnn school!

-

Today buys:

1) thermal pot
2) Mum’s jellies
3) my jeans
4) dry food
5) biscuits i picked
6) outfit for baby xavier

i love spending time with Mum and my aunts!

-

so should i go school anot?! i got work on monday anyway and it’s not such a big difference.
but that damn report……. ARGH i hate reports.

Thursday is a really fruitful day because it seems like Mum and I went and run alot of errands. i managed to update my bank book, apply for the ib device, and even asked the citibank staff to help me photocopy my matric card and submitted the form to them - so, yay i’m gonna have my first credit card in 2 weeks’ or 2 months’ time! omg, i’m kinda excited! :)

we visited a few banks, buy pillows and comforters (imagine lugging back these fat load of stuff! sweat sweat sweat), buy pink and purple pooh bear waterbottles for $6 each thanks to Jas’s minitoons discount card (ooh i love minitoons and minibits! both one of my favourite stores!), buy Mum’s clothes and collected my new bag :D i love love it. (oh, somebody slap the grin off my face please - i’m getting more and more ridiculous! those bags are sitting on my newly clean up bed like.. a big pile of something.

but okay, nevermind, i’m getting rid of 2 of them!

what the heck am i sounding so cheerful and happy today?

-

during lunch with Mum, somehow, we had a talk.. and then, tears just started falling. i cant hide these feelings, i cant pretend and suck those tears back in. i cant sit, eat, talk, dream, walk, do things and not think of Pa at the same time. i thought about him whenever and wherever and whatever. i miss him dearly, i wish, wish with all my heart that time would just reverse and bring back those days.. those complete days, happy days, bitter days, sad days, safe days, delightful days, days with him still here - getting nagged at, being nagged to, laughing at stupid jokes he cracked, retorting back at him when he teases me about my hair, my specs, my face.. those days whereby i often misused this god-send privilege and took it for granted.

oh arent humans just the most foolish of them all?

sometimes, i feel that my posts are always kind of repetive, going and droning on about the same stuff i say before, but who can salvage this? these feelings just kept haunting me everyday and there it will stay, swirling deep in my heart till one day i’m willing to let go. but no, i’m never letting go of them.

 

oh how much i love you

it’s only now, that i realized, that my love for you is just every bit as much and as deep as i love Mum. you two are like my right and left hands - i can never go and do without either.

it’s only just that i let those evil feelings and thoughts intrude into my brain, twisted and hide those good things and churned out the bad.

ha, if only; pity i never realized that. and it’s always that late.

-

p.s. shut up, if you nothing good ever comes out from that smelly mouth of yours.

back home, worn out, tired and feeling so broke :(

i’m feeling damn materialistic lately, doing loads of impulsive buying - bags, tops and those little bits and pieces that adds up to quite alot. whatever is wrong with me? it’s like, i kept falling in love with stuff and simply just buying it because my bank account hasnt go empty yet. so.. what? i’ll only stopped after it had emptied out?

and.. i’m buying another bag i’m sharing with Jas.

Mum is going to go bonkers on me if she knew! i just show her my black bag which i kept hidden among my junk on my pig-sty bed *ahems* and luckily, she just nods and say ‘that’s nice’. :D thank goodness she hasnt started shouting at me yet; i had such a lovely Mum :) but i bet she will go bonkers on me if she knew what other stuff i planned to be buying.. or if she started browsing through the piles on my bed..!

the LS gift-swapping took place this afternoon. i got to see everyone’s presents, and it turns out that everybody had gotten their gift prepared only today! haha, it’s really amusing seeing how everyone troubled and panicked over what presents to give. they managed to swap after the arrival of Rini and the canadian pizza delivery - frankly, i’m not that crazy over pizzas! i can say no to them over any day.

somehow, i felt left out in the swapping thing while they picked a name and squeal over the stuff they had gotten. like a bunch of people oohing and aahing by the counter while you were somewhere in front of the shop, toying with a bunch of undies.. okay, i’m making myself sound absolutely pathetic. whatever. some feelings are better off finding no meaning for and just leave it to rot in my brain. yes yes, that’s right.

speaking of gifts, Lia bought me a necklace from Helen! i am happy about it, thank you. and Cat, she gave me a brinjour (oops, have no idea of the spelling, but it’s purple with green stem on top) shaped magnet cum pen! thank you too - it’s adorable. and lastly, Char bought us cute massengers, thank you :D, it’s cuteee but my Mum is afraid of it when i show her hahaha.

anyway, today work came with a pretty bad news: kakak is transferring over to Vivo city. i’m upset of course, though i didnt really expressed it. tell me, if the person seem quite keen about the whole transfer issue thing, and is looking forward to the challenge, would you show your unhappiness to that person? that’s why i kept my mouth shut about it. it makes absolutely no sense for me to be sad if she’s in fact happy about it.. what do you think?

i hate changes normally; i hate it when people i liked working with leave before i could leave myself (hahaha). but well, change might be good as who knows if it would bring something new and different? so, why not?:)

meet up with the girls for dinner at Villa’ge after work. the meal rocks and the food is so good that i feel completely bloated after that! however, some thoughts were running through my mind like a treadmill like always. i’m felt sad, troubled and lost.. for these friendships which will forever have its limitations no matter how close we seemed to be, or how much fun we have in these gatherings. i know it myself, i could feel it in my heart. something is changing, altering - or maybe had already changed; we arent in the past whereby we used to see each other everyday, lunched and hit malls after school together anymore. we’re growing up, growing, perhaps in a separate direction from one another.. something kinda like a star you know? beginning at the same point but ending in different routes, though staying connected.

oh well oh well, why am i spoiling a mood like this now?

-

reminders to myself, here’s a list of tasks that i really must get them done:

1) update bank book
2) apply for ib and ib device
3) photocopy scan of matric card
4) check with polymates if there is school on monday
5) submit the citibank form
6) curb my spendings!!

-

this mouse really sucks! i have to re-write 1/4 of the post due to it clicking twice or thrice when i only click ONCE. argh!

7) CHANGE A NEW MOUSE!

 

Thoughts right now: should i get the bag?!

p.s. i’m not referring to the bag i’m sharing with Jas - yes, i’m talking about another bag!

will somebody punch me please.

okay, i came home with very achy feet, a loaf of Delifrance’s french bread, butter cossiant (i’m so proud and happy to say i pronouced the word ‘cossiant’ absolutely accurately just now! :D) and a big black LS bag containing 8 bras (haha, i buy them for Mum and my aunts!). tuesday is filled with very annoying customers who jolly well knew their undies’ sizes and still went to unhang every piece of L size ones, including messing up the undies rack, and talking to me in a very snotty tone, like yeah, you buy our undies, that’s a very big deal huh? there are really an endless bunch of stupid customers everywhere!

okay, self-control, i must be patient, i must be kind, i must not talk bad about them though it’s very true and they deserved a hole in the undies they bought. i must nottttttt - wrinkles, wrinkles!

right now, we’re having this awesome post-christmas sale! i bought those 8 bras at 70% off, excluding the extra 15% discount given to staff tee hee hee. i think i saved them at least 100 bucks :) i’m gonna get mine on the 31st! yay, i’m so happy though i’m currently like a few hundred bucks short of pay. :( hopefully, the loss will be included in next month pay!

lunch today was healthy - sliced fish bee hoon with milk of course! - but i ended up really hungry in the evening thats why i lugged back the french loaf and the buttery cheesy cossiant(somehow, this spelling seems wrong)! and i bought mineral water to drink. not nice and i got sent to visit the toilet more than usual.

i want to watch I am Legend!

oh i sound really perky. and empty actually.

my stomach is feeling all queasy and uncomfortable all thanks to the Qiji nasi lemak i had for lunch/dinner today! arghhhh, it seems to be still somewhere stuck inside my throat and it feels llike just any moment now, i will puke out the remains all over this keyboard. :(

but still, the nasi lemak is good okay!

and before i forgot, MERRY CHRISTMAS to whoever reading this! and here’s a pressie :)

i dont feel practically christmassy this year. there are plenty of reasons why. i dont want to feel christmassy ever again.

what wishes will you make
when the season is near
will your dreams be the same
as they were last year

will you ask for a little
will you ask for alot
and when you make your list
will there be something you forgot?

how about peace on earth
it cant be bought or sold
how about peace this christmas
and someone hand to hold
how about love in our hearts
and hope for you and me
how about peace on earth
that’s what christmas should be

will you get the things
that you’ve been waiting for
snowfall and presents
chior singing at your door

this season will be perfect
like those pictures postcards seem
but is that the answer
is that what christmas really means

what would you sacrifice
what would you give away
for the greatest gift of all
on christmas day..?

will any of the wishes made ever come true?

*

and for this year, all i want for christmas is..

may all my loved ones find joy and little kinds of happiness everywhere and in everything they do!

and there’s one more thing, but that would be a secret.

 

P.S. thank you, Aunt Amelia, for the lovely present of a Escada perfume i found on my bed the moment i came home! what a fantastic christmas surprise! :)

*

Merry Christmas to you, Pa.
is heaven snowing right now?
..it must be really beautiful.

you know what, i’m never buying sweet goodies for anyone ever again! those annoying little creatures that came marching into the packaging and i just threw out a perfectly lovely stars-and-rainbow-sprinkled donut out of the bag and into the garbage bin this afternoon - argh - and in the end, i had to squeeze the entire bag of muffins into the fridge but i’m worried. can anyone tell me would the muffins become spoiled if i do that? hell, i already did that! double arghhh.

since tomorrow is Christmas, we decided to do a little celebratory dinner at Hans tonight. and i tell you, i’m incredibly disappointed with the meal and the surroundings. the fish and chips that i ordered was so oily and greasy that i felt like throwing up after a few bites; the chestnut soup was also very weird (Hao agreed with me but the rest marvelled that it’s pretty good T_T), with random stuff swimming inside the creased creamy base and i just couldnt make myself finished drinking up the bottom of it; and the salad was sour (they agreed, i wouldnt touch that unless my life depended on it!), and the iced lemon tea was very weak and only has a vague taste. the surroundings? a fly kept coming and buzzing around our food! and the waiters and waitresses there just arent very bright. and the whole place just looked untidy and messy and not very clean..

but i will say i still love this dinner because it’s eaten with the people i loved most in the entire world. :)

and the entire trip back on Bus 39, i saw the beauty they make on the trees - the twinkling reds and yellows on it, followed by the random flash of whites.. it’s really lovely.

are you seeing all these too, Pa?

**

right now, there are 2 things that i would very much loved to apply: iBanking and CitiBank Clear Card! woots, i had filled out the credit card form halfway; it just need scans of my ic, student pass and Mum’s ic. Mum had agreed to let me sign up for the card and i even have her signature already! i just feel so lazy to drop by the photocopy shop to get the scans oh somebody kick my ass please. and the iBanking.. ? i wanted to sign it up online but i feared the lousy security internet always brings. okay, so this short paragraph here is to remind myself constantly that i need to get these pending stuffs done! and soon too!

**

i have this new stash of clothes and bags that i had never wore or bring out before. i keep them away lovingly, refusing to wear them fearing that if a special day suddenly comes around, i would have nothing nice to slip into. so, those stuffs are kept for the most busy and special occasions but you know what, the stash had been multiplying and accumulating all these months, still bearing their price tags, but somehow, that special occasion never did come around (what had i been up to all these months?!). and thus, i never had the chance to wear them out. so there they lay, folded or tangled up in piles on my unused bed on the upper decked, along-sided with my bags (small and big, used and unused) and school books, empty paper bags - forgotten. plus some tops are really my favourites but due to their bright colours, i would never get to put them on for at least a year.

bummer for me and yay for Jas as she could borrow and wear them whenever she digs something she likes out. this is really one super annoying habit of mine - i wished i could be other people, immediately wearing their newly bought clothes the very next day they bought it.

right now, i’m stuck with all creams, grays, blacks, whites, greens maybe and.. and.. okay, thats all.

**

i finished The Lovely Bones today. i wished my english is so powerful that i can understand each and every word the writer wrote. but the ending left me feeling stucked, confused and very gray. so, is this ending a happy one or a _______ (fill in the blanks) one? i do not understand it. and i wanted so much to. there’s a reason why i choose to borrow this book, choose to get my hands on this book no matter what: it speaks of death, the stream of events that followed due to this tragedy; it speaks of heaven, of the dead abling to see the living, know what they’re thinking, feel each particular thought; it speaks of not able to let go, the grief that went along everything, the sadness, the helplessness. the grief of both the dead and the living.. the love.. the might-have-beens.

it speaks of so many things that i wanted to know.

but of course, a book is just a book, written by a living - to what extent that whatever she wrote could be true?

i guessed, well, i’m just out seeking for some consolation.. and answers - perhaps?

you know, i’ve once copied a quote that i really loved, into my old blog. i still love it now, very much. pity it didnt seems to be hammered inside my brain. please rewind and let me undo these sins. can you do that, god?

If I forgot that you were someone who had once gave up hopes and dreams for me, you were someone who had rejoiced when I was born, someone who understood sufferings and failures, who is learning and stumbling and learning with every step of fatherhood - i’d have been bitter and resentful and immensely selfish. I can imagine a dozen Perfect Fathers in my life, but what’s the use? You probably could imagine a dozen Perfect Daughters too. At the end of the day, we are who we are. Because love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit out own image.. otherwise we love only the reflection of our idealism we find in them.

I love this quote, it speaks so much. i had always known, always loved, always keep reminding myself. but how come humans always let anger, or bitterness, or our selfish-ness, take over the most humane part of ourselves? why couldnt we forsake, relent, and give in when we could? as usual, the question begins with a why.. and ended up in question marks.

 

Love is not easily angered, it keep no records of wrong.

i want to write something, to let you know that though things are definitely been smoother this past two weeks, it still arent the same and life still seems so out-of-ordinary. i want to be ordinary you know, just like any average girl wanting a family and just having the usual day-to-day happiness; of stepping out of the house and coming back knowing that the whole family is still here, everyone is still safe, warm and happy, and the moment you opened that door, you will see those smiling, familiar faces. it’s really frightening to know that how come when at so many moments of time before, you have that particular privilege, but you never cherished, you never thank god for giving you such simplest pleasures and you still blamed the world for being a tad unfair. you wanted more, you’re never satisfied, never contented. greed is such an awful sin, i feel now. and one day, that privilege that you think of as a right, vanished and disappeared out of your very eyes, lots of emotions will come swirling around you, embedding deep into your heart, digging a deeper hole each time and there it stays, there it lingers, torturing and tormenting you each and every day.

i still could remember that very moment, when i looked fiercely into that doctor’s pair of eyes through tear-filled eyes, daring him to tell me the worst. i was daring him, angrily using my stare to make him say something good. i dont believe god would be so unfair, i dont want to believe. i looked into those eyes, my heart pleading and thumping speedily, dreading the moment those words that would come out of that mouth. i could feel it, i could guess what he was going to say, because something was very wrong the way he tried to calm us down and fear was gripping painfully at my heart, twisting it, and i feel my surroundings going quiet and only the doctor’s words piercing into my ears.

just this evening, Ma asked me suddenly, ‘Do you think he is happy.. going away like that..?’

i swallowed hard and say yes, he should be, he no longer need to worry and stress over those debts..

but you know, i really dont know. God.. is Pa, at peace now? is he in heaven looking down at us? can he still see.. feel us? hear our thoughts? does he knows we’re missing him each and every second? does he..

does he..

you know sometimes you will think, you have no exact favourite food in the world? everything seems nice to your tongue and everything seems to be your favourites, but i think today, after chomping down a waffle hotdog, i daresay that that is my most favourite snack ever and ever. it is the best combination in the whole wide world; its sweetness just surrounds the taste of the hotdog so purrfectly and i love love it :)

it’s really unhealthy though!

a few minutes ago, i just smsed Kakak to tell her that i cannot participate in the gift-swap. seriously, i hoped she understands and not think that i’m stingy or whatsoever. you know, sometimes how people just think stuff of the wrong way, thinking you’re just giving a weak excuse, but then again, who do i owe this explanation to? it gets tiring if i explained too much, and sometimes i think it’s better to give up caring.

i knocked off two hours earlier today and it’s great. BK breakfast accompanied by iced lemonade and milo, sales sales sales, and laughter filled the entire working hours. we sold many many pj’s and packed many many many gifts boxes and it’s like repeatedly doing the same action over and over - fishing out a piece of thin tissue from the folded pile, slapped it on the counter, flipped the item to be wrapped in the middle and slap, slap, slap with scotchtape repeatedly at the edges, flopped it into the box, closed it, and sealed it with the LS label tape.

and a customer beckoned me inside the fitting room and managed to amaze me with her ahems. oh wow - am i just lucky or what? some people really enjoyed fawning their assets, daring to walk out in the public like that when their boobies are at the risk of popping out. i guess they like it because it makes people’s eyes popped out too? at least, mine did! hahahah. *shys*

libraries are so boring nowadays. i dropped by there just now and spent an entire hour picking up books and putting it back to the shelves in the end. it’s like, oooh, this cover is gorgeous! -picks it up- ooohh, this seems interesting! -picks it up- and then, omg this must be good! -picks it up-… but in the end? i dismissed one book after another and in the end, i’m left empty-handed. pffttt. The Lovely Bones that’s it. unfortunately for me, the moment i stepped out of the library, the sky is roaring angrily and rain was hammering on the pavement in many many straight lines. blessed the umbrella! but freezing to death (i had smartly choose not to bring my cardigan) is one thing, and getting constantly splattered by the rain is another. wet and cold just doesnt go well together. brrrrrrrrrr!

you know what i really need right now? good songs, terrific songs, english or chinese no matter. i just need NEW songs!

bloody jay chou new songs - can you believe i still hasnt hear it from my ipod? after like, 2 months since i have uploaded it inside?!

Funnily enough, i’m having problem starting this post. i got so much to say but just how am i gonna jot down every single detail and thought that ran passed my mind?

christmas is really really coming. it seems very weird this year, seeing so many people carrying and buying christmas gifts, wrapping them up with green or red papers, completed with a fancy ribbon at the side. it seems even weirder when i see my colleague knocking off and changing into a nice outfit, telling us she is going town. hmm, it seems really weird indeed. maybe the reason why is because i just couldnt get myself into the mood that everyone seems to be contracting. plus it is finalized that i wont be taking part in any gift-swapping; it does feel sad you know.. i can just imagine everyone picking a name written on a tiny paper folded up and then swapping their nicely-wrapped gift while tearing off the packaging gleefully. i can just very well visualized it.. and then, i think i will feel very empty indeed. but it’s okay, everything is okay, i’m accepting it and glady, not taking part in it. what is a little sadness compared to everything else? that’s nothing.

today is a good day, better than i could have hoped for. i met a very nice customer who bought 8 bras, 15 undies and 2 babydolls sets. it was alot; a big fish!:) and then, i bumped into Aunt Amelia just when i was on my way out to buy lunch!:) in the end, we went LJS to have combos 1 together and went for a quicky shopping around the mall and Pasar Malem after it! i love it! and such such coincidence wheee :D

and then, sales hit 5k tonight! i really do hope that we could hit the superstretch thingy and everyone can get $200 extra! wayyyyy lovely and imagine the stuffs i can buy it with the money! but then again, i dont have much hope for it..

i’m enjoying The Lovely Bones right now and i have enjoyed Host Club #11. both excellent reads! i cant wait for #12 now, i really cant wait! make that another thing that i’m anticipating very hard for.

i have something to say, but i dont know how to put it in words. hopefully, i can organise my thoughts well enough, and maybe when the atmostphere isnt full of cries and cheers from the soccer game blaring on TV right now, i will just be able to write it down well.

i want to watch p.s.i love you!!!

Crazy customer: "This bras got anymore discount? since they are display pieces!"

"Sorry Mdm, they’re already promotional items.."

Crazy customer: "You guys should put plastics on this bras you displayed on the racks! what if people got skin diseases and other people didnt know and tried the bras?!"

"It wont look nice and presentable. It’s the same as clothes. Did you see any shop with clothes cladded in plastics for displays?"

Crazy customer: "Hello?! You okay anot?! skin diseases are so dangerous these days! you know anot?! and bras are such personal items!"

"……………….."

"Haha, nevermind." *smiles sweetly, gives customer ‘You’re crazy’ look.

*

Hello crazy customer, i would like to see you try a bra with it’s plastic on. That will be certainly be the joke of the year! Hahahahahaha! you rude bitch. @#$@$!@$!

right now, i still feel incredibly grossed-out by the series of Aliens’ movies airing on SCV for these past few days. those slimy, slimy slime.. ugh, and to think i was eating my dinner while watching it! i think i can never watch an alien movie ever again. it’s gripping in a way that makes you wanna see how gross and ugly the aliens can turn out to be one after another.. but other than the kickbutt moves and the series of bangbangbangbangbanggggg shots, i dont think this is my kind of movie. it chills down to my spine! brrr.

i think i will stick to nice, heartwarming, hot-chocolate-y romances for now. heh.

anyway, speaking of shows, one drama that i really really want to watch right now is, Which Planet Did You Come From?, a korean series that starred a really sweet-looking girl and this hunk of a guy who is in quite a number of korean shows. sigh, i wonder where exactly will i have the time to comb through the entire drama. in between working like a starved dog and sleeping like a starved pig, i dont really have any time to sit back and enjoy. (how many times a day must i go through this whining? ha, get used to it :D)

i’m still thinking whether i should take part in the gift-swap this year. it will be fun, it will be stressful, choosing a random gift with minimum of 15 dollars. i would love to take part in such an once-in-a-while event but then again, i had asked, and Mum told me not to. and then again, i dont really have any mood to rip open gifts and then ‘oohed and ahhed’ in pretense delight. i rather go catch a movie and stuff chips by myself. but then again, maybe not. being alone would be a very sad thing during this christmas season.

-

sometimes, like today, you know what, the way one tiny issue can set off a chain of events make me really at awed.

like, after work, i went up to Sans Bookshop to look for books to rent, and at the same time, hoping i could track the book that Da wanted, The Golden Compass for her and guess what! i’m so lucky, lucky to spot the book lying on the counter just when i was about to go up and pay for my book! turns out that someone has just dropped the book off - no wonder i couldnt find it the last few times i was there. so, i paid for the two books and hurriedly called Da to let her know. she and i starting talking.. when she suddenly ask where i was and that Jas wanna buy rochers for her colleagues. i was frowning at that point of time, really, i was super tired and i just want to go home and cuddle my bear. but i couldnt say no, so i have to call Jas and ask her what rochers she wanted to get. which leads me down to watsons and fairprice but i still couldnt find what she wanted. so, she asked to meet her at the mart and we might just find something there.

sigh, you see, one phone call due to a kind act can lead to a trip to watsons, fairprice and the mart whereby i waited for her for like, half-hour before she came flying down - when i just wanted to go home and snore like a pig from the beginning. (whines) and then, i never thought of spending a single cent but in the end, i spent a total of $36.90 buying shampoo and ZA foundation at watsons. T_T and plus the rental of the books, $36.90+$27.00 = $63.90 :’( ah, sigh sigh sigh! worse still, when i went back home, i realized that Da had actually bought the foundation for me!! there goes my $33.90. SIGH.

okay, i have enough of whining. ha.

anyway, the other book that i had rented is called The Lovely Bones - i hoped it’s good!

-

just about today, a friend smsed me and asked me when would i be free to start visiting universities’ open houses?

is it really so soon?, i was wondering, gripped by a sudden wave of disbelief. universites sound so faraway. i still feel like a kid, putting on socks everyday, smoothing down the creases of my uniform. how could time just flew away like that? where have they gone to? to think that we are always wasting bit by bit of our time, and when it accumulates, it leaves you dumb-founded and shocked.

time, could you please slow down?

-

and just today, i opened, stacked, and bundled away 2 big boxes of g-strings and undies.

.. is this wasting time too? hmm.

This picture never fails to make me crack a smile or two, so i shall post this tonight. :)

Today is overally a fun day filled with HK Cafe, The Golden Compass, Sakura International Buffet Restuarant and Kinokuniya with Ruiqi and Char. i will never step into HK Cafe to have their french toast ever again! ugh, so sweet and somehow, it doesnt brings out the egg taste at all. a frigging $3.90 excluding GST gone like that. The movie is alright but as usual, i gotta say that the book is more terrific :) go on, go buy the book if you enjoy the movie! Sakura, eh, i really wasted money on this dinner this time. $30 per pax and we eat not even half of what we paid? T_T i’m really not a buffet person.. bring me to Macs or Pepper Lunch and i’ll feel my money worth. but just not buffets. i could use the money and eat three meals of Pepper Lunch and Crystal Jade come to think of it. let this over-priced meal just buy me a lesson ;) but the food is really not bad - with a mixture of variety stuffs like ice-cream, shark fin soup, satay, dim sums, sushi, sashimi, etc etc! i would definitely go again one day, IF on an very empty stomach of course, haha. and lastly, we trooped over to Kino to grab some books. it was always nice spending time in Kino. i could stay there for hours and not get bored. that’s how i love books - all the pretty pictures and flowery writing!

at this time of the year, orchard is really dripping with christmas air and charm. all around us, people were taking pictures and there are flashes of light - be it from cameras or the shimmery christmas lights - just about everywhere! people were noisy and chatty and you know what, i really would like finding some place nice to sit and have a drink while basking in all this atmostphere and beauty. i would love to bask till the roads and streets grow empty and it will be just me and the beauty, twinkling softly. everyone is pretty much in christmas mood already, ladening with big bags of gifts and rolls of wrapping paper poking out. gosh, i would really love to be in their shoes now! but then again, i dont think i have the mood.

during the bus ride home, qi was telling me that i cannot keep thinking in circles and keep coming to the same old conclusion. she say i must try to let go, if not bit by bit. i must start thinking in a straight line.. i told her that i dont want to go straight and forget. i want to keep going round and round, reminding myself each time i go round that curve, telling myself i must learn, but why do i seem not to be learning? part of me knew that she is right, but i really cant make it to that straight line. somehow, it will just go straight and curve back, forming an oval. a circle never ends, meaning that all these thoughts will race round and round and keep cycling all over once it reach the end and starts again. seriously, i dont know what am i thinking. am i not the one inflicting such misery onto myself or what?

wahaha, and i’m the one complaining and ranting and moaning and whining all the time here.. life’s such a irony!

we also talk abit on friends issues and i was there grumbling about my so-called friendships and she reminded me that most of the girls are like that, boyfriends, boyfriends, boyfriends, and that i would probably be like that too one day since she is like that too, and that i should ignore and shut up about it. okay, i say the shut up part myself. hmm, i think what she’s telling me is true and i know myself that it’s true, just that i wanna be bitchy and whine a LITTLE about it. (a little, yeah rightttttttttt)

okay, be optimistic so i wont be so grumpy. so here’s one good thought for tomorrow,

1) I’M WORKING MORNING!

meaning i can knock off at 6pm and go for a mini-spree around TM or come home and watch Prince Jumong! yay!

and ending off with a happy thought for today,

2) I GOT MY HOST CLUB BOOK #11!

omg, tamaki yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :D!

You know what, i’m really getting sick over my job. i’ve been spending so much time tagging up pj’s, undies, not to mention plastic metallic bras that i’m ready to squat right there on the floor with my fingers crossed over my head. (stop complaining, stop complaining will you?)

god seems to be putting up challenges to test my patience these few days.

like on saturday, when i went to work, i got sent to Paragon to pick up stock last minute. it was raining, the rain hitting painfully on my face and unluckily, i wore my specs (arghhh), and i lost count the number of times i have to take them off so i wont be blind and get knock down by those crazy cars occupying every inch of Orchard Road. worse still, when i reached there by train, i couldnt quite remember the way to Paragon. (i think it’s been too long a time i step into any shopping heaven T_T) is it right.. or left? normally, i wouldnt mind going around to search, but it was raining pitter-pattering and i cannot imagine going the wrong way and having to turn back and walk the other way again in that horribly grey weather. and to ask passer-bys the way also seems so embarrassing! so i used my instinct and my orchard skills and i walked the right way! phew, phew, phew. after collecting 3 big and heavy paper bags of undies and lingerie, i head back to Lucky Plaza to join the horrendously long taxi queue. but the cabs all came very quickly and the ride back to TM was great and sleepy.

and then and then, during housekeeping that night, i asked to mop the floor because the vacuum cleaner is so heavy and i’m lazy to lug it around.. and it turns out that i have to change the dirty water because, oh well, because it’s dirty and smelly and stupidly, i’ve requested to mop. :( is god testing me or what? testing to see how many times my black face will flash? hahaha, but all is well thankfully, i have good control over my facial expressions!

so i just knock off from work with an aching body and a queasy stomach.

i’m torn between what to do with my off-day on wednesday(which is today, right now!). should i go catch a movie and go shopping - i’m very dying to - or should i stay home and sleep, eat, drink, watch TV, read books? it’s been so long (okay, since last thursday) since i catch a movie properly without having to rush off anywhere, munch on chips and crunch popcorn. it had been even longer since i last step into a shopping mall without having to rush off to work or some other events. and i got only one day to do everything! one more day before work starts in a series of 4 more days again omg.

it seems like i dont have much of a choice. plus i might be accompanying Mum to somewhere.. you know how i love to spend some time with her; every night i came home, she’s in bed, and every morning when i woke up, she’s at work, and the moment she came back, i have to rush off to work.

you know, suddenly, i realized that i have alot of choices to make. alot of choices i dont feel like thinking and making a decision. oh, i hate making decisions.

1) when should i stop working?
2) if i graduate successfully, where will i go? - hang bras forever?/university?/NIE?/find a part-time admin job?

hmm, okay, that’s not much. but still, these decisions are going to alter my life forever. right?

 

forgot to add, these days i’m really quite sad that Jas is totally into maple, like truly obsessed. so much to the extent that whenever i tried talking to her when i come home after work, she only has her eyes on her game and totally ignore me. and like mother, like son, baby xavier is the same - he only has his eyes on his Power Rangers, or whatever show Jas has on the laptop to keep him from creating a nuisance.

well, just wanna say, i’m kinda sad about this. what’s so fun about maple anyway?

Work later!

Optimistic thought of the day: 1 more day, just one more day! :)

 

tweaking template is so tedious and stressful.. *sweats* but i’m enjoying it! :D

Hurrays to my new layout!

 

i miss you everyday

Do you know how it feels like to be waiting and anticipating for something, someone, and constantly worrying whether your break time clashes? do you understand how it feels putting contacts just to look nicer in the morning and looking up every few minutes to search for the shop’s front for those familiar faces?

Do you know the the feeling of having the thought, ‘they’ll be here! soon. yup, probably on their way right now!’ passed through your mind a dozen times per hour? do you, do you? and the disappointment and confusion that washes over you after the crowd had cleared out, the metal door clanged shut and still, there’s no sign of them?

Yup, I did, today i felt them all.

1st optimistic thought of the day: oh never mind, i will get over it. in fact, i’m getting over it right now.

and then, when you came home, you’re all grumpy and gray and shrieked at your sister for wearing a top that you’re thinking of selling. for what? do i have to vent my irritation on others? what’s up with me.. afterwhich you felt guilty and tell her that nevermind, she can wear it anyway as long as she likes.

and then, you’re distant with your mother too, keeping your lips tight - you dont wish to say too much. what’s all these grumpiness about anyway? hormones overfried?

-

i met Serene for lunch today since she’s conveniently working at isetan! :) a quicky lunch - fish soup mee for her and tao suan for me and sticky bubble teas afterwards. Cat and Flora both drop by to visit too! it’s a happy day, seeing all those familiar faces.. :) i guessed there’s nothing i should be complaining. take this phrase, extract from my current favourtie book,

Take, for example, Elizabeth; she lies in bed worrying about car tax and phone bills, babysitters, paint colours. If you cant put magnolia on the wall then there are always a million other colours you can use, if you cant pay our phone bills then just write them letters telling them. I’m not playing down the importance of these things, yes you need money for food, yes you need food to survive, but you also need sleep to have energy, to smile to be happy, and to be happy so you can laugh, just so you dont keel over with a heart attack. People forget that they have options. And they forget that those things dont really matter. They should concentrate on what they have and not what they dont have. And by the way, wishing and dreaming doesnt mean concentrating on what you dont have, it’s positive thinking that encourages hoping and believing, not whinging and moaning.

i think i had mention this phase before, but i’m re-reading the book again, so there!

-

2nd optimistic thought of the day: 2 more days..! just 2 more days!

-

.
.
.

Dear Pa, i.. miss you so so much. Ma does it too, and just this afternoon, we both cried over you again. Ma sitting on the floor, and me, standing up. Ma was taking out that plank of tile that you had cut and intending to glue it back to the tileless part of the sink but never got the chance because you told Ma that one of these days, you guys can go to Si Ma Lu to purchase a stronger glue for both the sink in the kitchen and the bathroom. so many things that you had left behind. so many planned tasks and dates that you wanted to do soon, but never got the chance. one topic leads to the other and we started talking about the day before you went away - the places that you went, the things that you say and do.. Ma’s blaming herself but i think the blame should be inflicted more on me.. why hasnt i stopped you from ironing all your shirts and pants that day? why hasnt i bother to say, ‘Pa, take a rest.’ or even offered to help you? why am i always neglecting your needs, thinking you dont need them, thinking you’ll be okay? why am i so awful, dreadful and terrbily selfish? Dear Pa, you must be disappointed in having such a useless daughter like me. Dear Pa, have i disappoint you too many times but you never once did say? Did everytime i mention why you kept drinking and coming home late, or you cant even open the front door yourself, saddens you greatly? I’m feeling very miserable over all of these. i kept thinking about the things that i should have done, but never bothered to, about the times i only complain and complain but never did try to find the sole reason and only kept asking why. i never bother to ask if you’re tired out working and ‘Why dont you take a rest and we go out for a nice meal?’ so many things i never bothered to do.. and now, it’s all too late.

these tears should just keep falling and falling. i dont deserve to be your daughter. i had done too little, ask too little, care too little, share too little and complaint too frequently.. Pa.. Pa, would you ever know how sorry i am? how i wish to undo everything that i ever did to hurt you, how i wish i had a second chance.. just one more.. and i promised this time i will do it right.

Dear Pa, Ma is acting very strong on the surface. she is still going to her new job everyday, buy lunches for us when she comes back, cook us dinners, read newspaper and sleep at the same spot every night. But somehow, i sense a great sadness about her. she never often says how she is feeling, but after that talk we have about you this afternoon, i could hear her sniffing quietly in the kitchen. Dear Pa, everyone misses you very very much. i supposed, the person you cant let go would be Ma. but you need not worry, she still have us, i swear i will take good care of her. though she looks fine on the surface, i know how much she is greiving deep inside. she loves you alot you know.. though she’s always nagging at you.. but she loves loves you.

Dear Pa, xavier still remembers that you always take him to airport to watch the planes fly. he looks at your pictures, and still can call you ‘Gong Gong’. often, he will go to your altar and says things like, ‘GongGong, i’m going school now.’ i wonder if you can hear.. can see?

Dear Pa..

blogsome sucks today, i just wrote a shitload worth of stuff and upon clicking ‘Publish’, pffft, it’s gone! damnnn damnnn damnnnnn

I feel like whining and kicking my feet against something or stuffing chips and more chips into my mouth while finding someone to rant and complain and just whineeeeeee with. it had been a tiring day and i do feel very beat. my legs are aching and my back muscles feels strained and now as i’m typing this, even my arms ache. my hair is dry and i feel awful. it’s only the third day back to work and i’m ready to scream and runaway. almost every tiresome minute that went passed today are filled with stupid questions like, ’should i quit? should i finally made up my mind and go?’ tell me, what the point huh? i feel so lousy, incapable of anything, and i know i should perservere and continued dreading each work day - what’s so bad about working in a air-conditioned shop with kinda pretty things? where i just answer customers’ enquiries, help them find their right sizes, measure them, get new pieces, swap their cards and wrap their items up? whats so difficult about that? what’s so annoying about the customers? what’s so irritating about the fact that my malay colleagues are always yakking malay and i dont understand a single thing and i get so vexed about it that most of the times i walked away from them and try to entertain myself by straightening a panty or two? i know that i know how to socialize. i know how to make jokes and laugh at myself. but sometimes, it’s about whether other people notices that they didnt really try including you in that makes people dont bother wanna try at all. that’s how i feel anyway. and it seems like i have complaint about this issue umpteen times but it’s been so long and i havent found any solution or any improvement. it’s only when i get hyper moods and forced myself into their conversation and then they will say ‘channel5, channel5.’ but heck? why dont they try including me their talks instead? that would be nice you know. i’m sick about work, the idea of a new work environment that involves sitting on swirling chairs and typing data into the computer seems so fresh.

so today i tagged and hang up alot of panties and boxers and babydolls which are very yummy. chiffon, nylon, polyester, hmm! more customers trooped in to buy christmas gifts again and just yesterday night, a particular customer spent $100 on panties as gifts! haha. and today, one of my customers bought the santarina suit and that sexy game set! whoops, wonder what creative idea she is displaying tonight heeheehee. i had Macs today and shaker fries! :) which i kinda am sick of now, ugh.. the msg.. i cannot imagine. forgot to mention that i’m in Jas’s room now again, tippy-tapping on her laptop! she’s back to Jurong with baby and hubby.. and will only be back tomorrow!

geez, what a silent night. - Da is not home too!

MR OPTIMISTIC, WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUUUU

Work is pretty fine today. anyway, i went up the shelves to check my reservation bag yesterday and i was shocked to discover how fat and bulging my bag had become! and as i rifted through the garments that i had reserved, those sports wear yada yada, that few spags, pjs, panties and manymany bras - and it got me thinking what the hell are these doing in my reserved items? why did i put aside that 2-piece gym wear and white tank top when i know myself that i will never wear it? did i want it because it’s 2 for $50? or am i going to buy it to coax myself to gym? i think, by the time i decided to go gym, those tops would never fit me already! it’s skin-tight and just body-hugging. and those spags which i wish to keep for myself and Jas? you know what, i’m never a fan of spags. so did i put it aside just because it’s 3 for $45? and those ga-zillions panties - i have the most number of them in that bag!! they’re pretty, but you know what, i had put aside the same design ones but with at least 3 different colours each! ohmygod WHAT AM I DOING! i think i’m really crazy. so now, the worse thing is, i’m left with those huge stack of stuff which i have no actual intention of buying, but i think i might be force to buy because my colleagues had bundled up the left-over stock and all boxes are all masking-taped up and ready to ship back to the warehouse where they shall gather dust there. :( ugh ugh ughhhhh. Note to self: Never ever put aside stuff that you have no intention to buy at all! Do not be tempted by the prettiness/gorgeous-ness of the objects! i think i’m like that. for all these months of working there, i’ve been happily sneaking in items and it somehow multiplies without my knowledge! bummer! dont tell me i need to buy those bras which i had reserved not one, but three colours of the same design! or that what, 15 panties? or that cotton blue pjs, 2 purple and pink tops, black long-sleeve, black spag, gym wear, and.. eh 10 other bras?!

oh-my-goshhhhhh.

hmm, which makes me wonder, why dont i go and work in a jewellery shop like Tiffany’s or Cartier after i graduate?

just thinking about the bling-blings that would be in my reservation bags just make my eyes widen as big as dinner plates! hohoho..!

 

Note to self: Do not buy things just because it’s cheap and on sale. Do not bundle buy!!

oh god can you believe how stupid i can be?

after so many months of using blogsome and typing pitifully inside their tiny default typing area, i just realize that there are functions whereby you can actually increase the size of their textfield area! oh whee, i’m so happy gappy! :D i’m typing on a big area now - oh what pure bliss.

i’m very very tired. i had a lovely sleep last night and this morning but right now, i’m still groggy and hungry and i cant focus clearly. i’m in Jas’s room using her laptop hehe, and surfing for blog templates which requires lots of tweaking and css skills to be able to use it blogsome. sigh why oh why. why cant blogsome have a larger variety of themes? and worse still, right now i’m not in the right mind to tweak! and it seems to require much skills than my pitifully limited ones. oh sighness!

anyway, i got work later at 6pm, lucky it’s 6 and not 1! i think i need to go back to sleep again after lunch hee.

i’m putting The Zahir oh hold and continuing on A Place Called Here where i had left off ever since august.

it’s getting interesting :)

 

sleepy eyes..

Today is a happy fab day! i got loads of things to say, seriously, but right now, i’m really having fun goggling at wordpress themes downloads! such a wide range - gorgeous colours! should i, should i change my layout?

BB paper is close to goner. the stuff that i furiously forced my brain to process didnt come out. in fact, it came out those very ones which i had feared. upon entering the examination room, i was praying that these theory questions that i havent paid much attention on wont come out. but haha, the moment i flipped the paper - i wanna cry. sigh.. why did this kind of things always happens? i’m quite upset by it but there’s really no point crying over spilled milk. i just have to wait and see.. if only Lady Luck would sprinkle some of her luck magic on me.. ! heh.

one thing i really dislike about cab drivers are those who took advantage on the fact that their passengers knew nothing much about directions and routes and they would pick the longest road to take you there, exploiting more money that it supposed to be. and i think today i’m suay enough to flag this kind of driver! i was telling him to go straight as it’s the bus route and i always think it’s quick enough. he refused, explaining to me it’s actually the same. the ignorant me, thought that he might be right, and i’m in a hurry not to be late for BB test that i shrugged and didnt make any complaints. so off he went.. and i was surprised on the numbers of turns he took, going passed Tampines MRT and the sports complex when if he had just went straight towards Safra like i had told him to, i would have save 2 dollars i tell you. this incident taught me that next time round, i must be firm and say, ‘ NO, I would like to go STRAIGHT please.’ practice, practice. (’cause lately, i’ve been taking lots of cab rides to school!) goodness knows why. the time just dont agree with me.

anyway, after the paper, i met yh to watch Enchanted. :) giselle sings really well! the way she always goes: ‘ah-AH-ahhhhh’ really cracks me up! my favourite parts have to be those parts that she sings - such sweetness and loveliness. but one thing i’m quite disappointed with is the ending. really abrupt and simple dont you think? either that or i’m really a complicated person, hahaha. and i guessed it’s the latter. i just dont think happy endings could be that easy.. (stop it stop it stop being unoptimistic!) but well, it’s only a movie. but i’m really glad i watched it.

[during the commercials, one of them is about this new movie starring The Rock. and suddenly, sadness engulfs my heart. i remembered how Pa likes watching The Rock movies.. and now, he can no longer see them, no longer enjoys them, no longer.. -

there’s not much to the sentence above, but i really wanna jot it down.]

work is really fine. our store looks very christmasy now, with all the reds, pinks, glitter, purple, polka dots, silver, zebra stripes, satin, silk, fur, reindeers, monkeys, santa suits (seriously, a sexy outfit for santarinas!), slips with lots of lace and shimmering plastics thingy, and even this game boxes in pretty black-and-pink boxes with this little spinning board where each arrow indicates this ’fun sexy’ stuff you can do with your partners! totally kinky! hahaha, i feel like a customer, walking around the stop, opening up new funny stuffs! i’m also crazy over the new underwear arrival - seriously! all polka dots with shiny pink stuff on them.. really pretty! and i love girly stuff like these! (oh why am i talking about lingerie that i fancy here, i guess i must be really high).. sigh! this is bliss. working in a prettier shop really perks one’s up. and the customers are mad.. digging and digging through the underwear piles and mixing up all the sizes! but i think this madness will only grow bigger since christmas is coming! alot of them is buying pjs and babydolls as gifts which i think is really nice. pjs and robes with reindeers on them plus glittery stuff - aint it cute! if i received them as christmas gifts (though i dont wear pjs), i would feel really delighted too! :D 

ironically, i think i’m beginning to like the overhead bridge! firstly, it gives me the only 3-minutes exercise i have everyday, and say no more to idiots drivers forcing their way passed red lights! double yay, so i think i should be happy with the completion of the bridge. :) and one thing i realize, it’s actually faster than waiting for green lights to flash once and wait for another one again! plus plus the shelter is a bonus point. :) so i’m happy yes, relieved yes, contented oh not really.

NOTE TO SELF: Chewing Gums Lessons

1) Never ever look down the elasticity and the stickiness of a chewing gum again. NEVER. they’re absolutely evil - sticking to fingers and practically everything it touches - well, except your saliva. and yes, that’s what happens to me when i took it out of my mouth using my fingers due to my ashamed ignorance and lack of knowledge. oh my poor sticky, yucky fingers.

2) if you see friends giving you a sweet from a bottle named Gum, please ask if you’re allowed to swallow it. i almost got one stuck in my throat because i almost didnt ask. thank goodness for having a big mouth.

once bitten, twice shy. (shudder) you know what, i think i will stay away from gums for now. GAG!

and now hurrays to 2 weeks of no school, work, work, christmas, work, work work.. and nothing else.

 

the more you choose to love someone,
the more your heart will grow

You know what! Today i’m feeling so lucky and happy. it’s such a lucky lucky day because m-comm paper is almost (almost) a breeze! i think i might just pass ;) but okay, let’s not jumble things up and just keep big mouth shut and fingers crossed tight for the second time!

somehow, i feel that someone is watching over me, keeping ugly questions away from my sight! but shhh, there’s still one more to conquer tomorrow before i can really kick my books and papers and pens under the bed! (since my bed is totally crammed full of my clothes/paper and plastic bags/books/bags/and more clothes!) yeah, if you can probably imagine the sight.. it totally resembles a pig sty :) - thankfully i’m not sleeping on it!

at this time, i supposed to be continuing studying BB for tomorrow 1230pm paper. but i will just take an hour break alright? i will strive on after i finish this post. hehhh.

recently, due to not needing to rush to work almost every evening, i get to watch Prince Jumong on the telly every night! he’s so cool and smart and clever and cute and so so intelligent i tell you. i really enjoy this show. tomorrow’s episode is gonna be totally fantastic! but guess what? i got to go back and hang bras and tag underwear tomorrow evening. :( wakey wakey, no more leave till 6 days later! ohmygod. i’m so not getting used to work. now, it feels like i’m no longer working already, haha, can you believe this fantasic feeling? but i need an income. so thou shall not complain and be miserable or angry over this. yes, i feel so sensible! on a happier thought, i feel this spark of excitement bubbling inside me at the thought of going back to see my colleagues and check out the new stock! :) and.. speaking of colleagues, i saw Flora in school today! i was crossing the bridge to get to my examination room while she’s heading out. such coincidence, i havent seen her in really a long long time. i was surprised that she could recognise me because i cant! nice surprises. she said she will drop by soon!

(i just realize this post is full of exclamation marks!!!)

anyway, i chanced upon this comment that speaks truely..

its not going to be easy and dont hasten this process of growing up. you will hurt you will get angry, you will cry, you will pine, you will long, then you will cry, you will get resentful, then its the same emotional ride all over again and you wonder why but you know why. everything happens for a reason.

.. short and sweet, but really quite true. though, depending whether you believe if all things happen for a reason. i believe but just that sometimes, the level of resentment overcomes sensible thoughts, and flipped the calmness in you. it’s like a switch, on and off, and sometimes with a flick, the switch just drown everything into darkness.

you know what.. ? oddly, it still feels very surreal and unacceptable.

wonder when this will last..

-

oh i love you. very very much.

Yayness! one paper down! :)

today’s paper is very tough and not very tough at the same time - meaning i know the answers but i’m not sure if i’m correct because my friends got other answers! well, i’m keeping my fingers crossed at the same time, hoping lady luck is with me for this 3 days of term tests! tomorrow we have m-comm and BB the day after! goodness. i was studying just now, surrounded by my family’s laughter and endless chattering (relatives who dropped by for dinner included). i wish i could join of course! but orh-hor, i have term-tests tomorrow ugh ughh ughhh.

the weather in the morning is all i could have hoped for. i looked out of the window, and it was lightly drizzling. but the sun was up and the cooling air was lingering over the house. i like. thank God for the weather! it’s not sunny but at least it isnt pouring sheets and sheets of dirty water ;) so i got nudged up to look after baby xavier while they left for Mandai while Mum and aunty went to the market to shop for groceries to cook lunch/dinner as the offerings. things went pretty well - to sum it all, they came back from Mandai early and the meal that Mum cooked was delicious. plus xavier is being really adorable and oh, i just love the way he speaks :)!

recently, i wonder what’s up with my daily diet. my face is breaking out a little again and my skin is so terribly dry, plus i dont look that good. is it all the stress.. ? Ha! imagine me, stressed! hmm, but very likely, because as i’m typing right now, i’m still worrying over tomorrow’s paper, gag! lots of stuff to memorise and lots of calculations - ohmygod. i need coffee! should i go to sleep now and wake up early in the morning to mug, or should i mug all the way till dawn and sleep after that?

choices, choices.

i’m quite delighted these days, though with lots of thoughts and worries weighing down my mind.. but i think it’s all for the best if i start learning to be more optimistic! well, there’s always a first in everything and flowers also took time to bloom, right? so now, my christmas resolution (does people makes christmas resolutions anyway?) is to be more like that!

so, would you be my friend, Mr Optimistic? :D

I’m thinking of you

p.s. I hope that it will be sunny in the morning and afternoon - sunny, like your smile. :) but not too sunny, just the way you like it!

(We’ll be brave, for you)

you know what i really hate about a gloomy, gray and rainy day? the bout of itchiness and rashes that sets on my skin and continued to stay there even after bathe. god, i really hate that. and just about right now, i’m itchy at the arms and legs area.. which totally spoils the studying mood today! and it had been raining consistently these past few days - you really should imagine how itchy i feel. :( worse still, remedies like snake powder or skin cream dont help either. yes, they help cool the skin down, but heck, the itchiness and irritation comes right back after a few seconds. i really hate staying home and sitting down whole day long on rainy days! arghhhhhh. i dont feel fantastic right now.

anyway, after a whole day long of stuffing notes into my brain, they’re still swimming in endless circles inside my head right now. what i’m afraid is, these knowledge that i have just implant into my brain would continue swirling in my brain pools and refused to generate during the test tomorrow (okay, today, since it’s past 12)! oh no, i pray that that wont happen! i will take a deep breath and go through the notes again in the morning. it will be fine, it will be okay.. :)

like i had mentioned earlier, today 11/12/2007 marks a very important day. it’s the 49th day since Pa went away. in the morning at 7 o’clock, we’ll have to be at Mandai doing some offerings ritual. but i wont be going because the taxi will be packed - da, er, yh and xy (da’s boyfriend). so i supposed i will stay home and help out Mum and at the same time, wishing i was there, but telling myself never mind, i will be there soon. soon, Pa. can i tell you again how much i misses you, Mum misses you - everyone is missing you? something is always wrong without you. and there i was just now, studying in your bedroom, and for a brief moment, a thought slipped inside my head, going: ‘oh i must quickly packed up and move to the living room to study.. Pa will be home soon.’ there’s a known fact that i will never ever get used to life without you. Never.

you know what i am seriously hoping and praying right now? that you have reached that bridge like they said you would, on this 49th day, and you will drink the mengpo soup and forgets everything, forgets us, free from mortal sufferings. leave all this pain behind and embarks on a blissful trip to heaven and reunite with Ah ma - or something equally blissful. my head seems blank now, i dont know how this 49th day truly means and how i should be feeling about this. just one thing that i can be completely sure is that my heart aches and pins for you. to be right beside me, asking me to help you massage or scratch your back.. to call me ‘De’ again.. to remark teasingly that my hair is so long and that i should cut it short, like Mum’s.. to say again how much you like that food and if there are any leftovers, keep it inside the fridge and the next day you can eat again.. ..

the way you rubs your nose,
the way you adjusts your belt,
the way you shrugs,
the way you look whenever you play with xavier,
the way you stabs something with your fork and brings it to your lips,
the way you sit in front of the tv, with your favourite wineglass by your side, - ‘is that wine!?’  ‘no, it’s chrysanthmum tea.’
the way you gets up from bed,
the way you hug your bolster,
the way you always comb your hair smartly before work,
the way you look when you’re cycling,
the way you snores whenever you fall asleep on the sofa, on the bed,
the way you paints the walls,
the way you fixed those lights,
the way you look at Mum whenever you teases her,
the way you always eat, with a spoon and a fork,
the way you iron your shirts..

you know what, as these tears slip and splatter on the keyboard, i’m saying fiercely to myself, that i will never ever forget your every reaction, every expression, every laugh, every words, every movement. they’re imprinted in my heart, a part of me, and you know what Pa? one day, when my time finally comes to the end, i want to go up to wherever you are, hugs you tightly, breathes in your cologne, and be your Daddy’s Girl, to call you once again ‘Pa..!’, to ask for your forgiveness.. there are endless of things i wanna say to you. 

i remember on the night, the white door closed, and Da and me were left alone with Pa. there he rested, the white sheets pulled up to his chin, lying on the hospital bed. i remember seeing that pale face, those closed eyes, the same nose, same eyelashes, same hair, those lips.. i remember being in shock, still abit stunned and crying silently.. Da was saying to me, ‘Doesnt he looks like he’s sleeping..?’ and i agreed. and then something shook us and we collapsed to our knees, crying out for Pa, saying we’re so sorry, asking for his forgiveness, that we’re forever so ignorant. which just wasnt an excuse. and then, the people came in with this large metal box.. we kept on hitting the door button, not wanting the door to be closed, so we could see everything, whatever they’re doing to Pa.. that’s when the hospital man beside us said, ‘let the doors closed, let them do their work.’ we obeyed. and when the doors opened again, Pa’s gone, and the metal box was carried out. we sat on the van with Pa (without the metal box) and on the entire way home, i was chanting ‘Pa, let’s go home. We’re going home.’ non-stop. and then when we reached below the block, i saw that the yellow banners and shelters were being set-up. it was still feeling like a nightmare, as it did now, on this rainy gray day. it’s gloomy, it’s .. and i think the strongest and the saddest person is Mum. throughout the whole wake and even till now, she’s incredibly strong and tough. i’m so proud of you, Mum. but at the same time, she worries me the most. she’s the most important person in my life right now. i pray for her day and night, that the one up above will continue to bless her with all the good things in life - she’e been through too much, my Mum.

i dont know why i’m writing all these down suddenly. maybe it’s because i dont want to forget. each dreadful moment, each second passed with tears, i want to remember them forever. i want to learn fully what this lesson is teaching me. it’s teaching me something priceless, invaluable, something paid so harshly, so highly, something paid with the father, husband, grandpa we love - something about love, appreciation, regrets, forgiveness, cherishing, longing, misses, unspoken words, sadness, bitterness, auguish, life.. death.

I want to remember forever and ever and be reminded of them each and every day. I want to learn. I want to learn what you’re teaching me, Pa.

And as the days goes by, these misses will continue to grow.. and they can only grow..

cupcakes rules! i’m missing the terrific, gooey, milky, soft and buttery taste of cupcakes the moment i see these pictures! ha! and those these cupcakes just make you smile? i swear, i will never get sick of them! ;)

i just woke up after dreaming of eating at a shop that has the concept of Yakun - except you can choose to opt for hash browns with maple syrup, sausages and other yummy stuff, well what a pointless dream! i guess i must be missing Mac’s breakfast more than i thought, heh. anyway, i should REALLY get back to start today’s revision - the last day to study till the paper tomorrow! - gasps - this is really making me panic and jumpy. ha, this will serve me right!

one thing i must do after the term-tests: tweeze my eyebrows. i shudder everytime i look at my reflection in the mirror.

horrifying!

okay, i better go check my gmails, eat the maggie mee breakfast and lock myself up in the bedroom :) good luck to me whoever reading this!

you know what now, i’m trying to write, i’m really trying to write. i’m trying to put my feelings into this words, simply, but a thing called writer’s block is getting onto me. i’m supposed to be writing flowy words, telling stories out of my head, my heart, and hammer them into words with this surge of power. but nah, nothing comes to my head, it’s empty, blank, nada. i want to find my tweety spectacles cloth and wipe these debris off the lenses. it’s so hard to see, i cant even see what i’m typing clearly. suddenly, these words that i’m typing right now just keep punching on and on by my clumsy fingers. god, i dont even know just whatever am i typing right now?

i think life is full of mystery. under the fancy exterior, for the moment, you just want to go out and have fun, and enjoy life to the fullest. dates, partying, endless photos-snapping sessions, falling in love, shopping, etc, to be like others. then when some tragedy strucks you unknown, you will fall back and think about those partying/having fun days - did they used to exist? how can you ever enjoy yourself so much once? how can you be so selfish while others suffered silently? how could you how could you? do you even deserve to be happy? the tragedy seem to have struck a chord in you, break it and left in un-mend. that’s how i feel. unspoken words, unspoken feelings. they’re priceless. but of course, i will never know. and you’ll never hear me say them.

i think influence is a real scary thing. whatever people say, be it true or not, you will believe. though suspicious, though something’s nagging at you, you will still believe 80%. once others started tapping words or gossips about others into your head, your mind will drink it in, going ‘oh i didnt know she/he’s like that! how could she/he?! now i know.’ people wont stop to think if they should judge it for themselves or not. they let others do the judging and go along with them. and even if you realize that the facts actually werent like that, part of you will still think, ‘they say she/he is like that. maybe she/he really is..’

that’s how scary influence can get. and shameful to say, i often get trapped like that.

but that’s really a habit hard to kick, like a drug.

do you get influence easily too?