i’ve been spending alot i dont know why.

guilt filled me.. just what am i doing now? whatever am i doing?

and my milk coin bottle is not even 1/10 filled yet.

i’m tired tired tired. my head feels like a hammer whacking non-stop at it. i feel fainted.

mp assessment today was plain plain horrible with a capital H. my heart was thumping incredibly painfully as the stress weighs heavier and heavier. giving up is always the easy way out. and just right then, i fantasized myself yelling "okay okay stop torturing me, I GIVE UP!" and walked away upon seeing the teachers’ shocked faces. HA. i’m so tired that my neck hurts, my head hurts and i feel like puking. i hate school, this stupid mp project and stupid quizzes that i dont understand a single thing.

next week is going to be a busy busy week filled with lots and lots of brain draining work.

i suddenly wanna say, ‘i wanna give up. i dont wanna work anymore, study anymore. just let me give up. just let me give up, okay?’

right now, my brain feels dead and i dont know what i’m thinking. it got so bad that i put on an orange shirt just now and didnt think anything was wrong. oh stupid me.

work’s fine, i pretty enjoyed myself today, trying on the new/old stocks and filling up the reservation drawer with more bras and tops. now it feels like i’m buying nonsensical stuffs to keep myself occupied and not empty. part of me is annoyed and pissed, like, why am i spending and spending but part of me feels really good. oh, i dont know if that’s good or bad.

yesterday, colleagues passed me an envelope with money and said it’s their token of concern and asked me to accept it. not knowing that i cant, and after their insistence, i took it and mom told me to return it today and said we cant accept because it’s been weeks. i mean, yeah, if they really have the heart, they shouldnt wait till so long. in saying this, i’m not implying that i’m not appreciative. i am, but people can tell if you really have the heart through actions. and giving people their concern after weeks just doesnt makes any sense. i dont know to them, that action is they want to or just simply they have to. there’s a difference. some people wont even bother asking, that’s sad but i’ll live.

anyway, i bumped into a old friend in school this morning. she came and hugged me and asked if everything at home was alright. and i just say, "like that lor." i dont know what to say. what did she expect me to say? i really dont know. and she just looked hesitantly at me, asked me to take care and said she have to go for her class.

i’m uncertain of how i feel about this. my brain is stuck.

school really sucks. everything is like an alien language to me, while to all my friends, it seems such a easy tasks. apply everything to the formula, with a few clicks of the calculator, volia!, they got the answer while i’m still stuck in the applying formula mode. i wonder where did all my plans in studying after school went. i got a couple of quizzes and formal presentation next week and goodness knows if i can withstand them. i’m tired, and now hurray to 3 workless days.