things will never be the same again, no matter how my friends pretend that nothing had happened and continued to joke with me and talk to me about their life, i really have no mood to listen.

i hate it that life still have to move on, everyday still paces quickly by. i hate it when i feel useless and helpless that i can do nothing to smoothen her pain. what i care most now, is her. please bless her everyday, God.

everyone says, ‘be tough. life still goes on."

but they dont understand that i dont want to move on. not without you, Pa. not without you.

I’m wondering what’s getting onto me.

Sometimes I’ll just suddenly gazed off at a distance, thinking.. sometimes, I’ll just suddenly want to burst out crying.. sometimes whenever they started talking about pa and how stuff can always be done to prevent this and that and i just felt like slapping them for bringing this up for the 31243297492 time and for making ma sad and cry..

i wished i can just graduate faster, stopped having to see all those faces whom i dont like and quickly have some contribution to this family. i want to stay home more, but everytime school ends, and i have no work, i suddenly dont feel like going home where reality is so freaking, starkingly real.

today mom’s outburst shocked me a little. but what’s she said is true. when we were once given a chance to be fillial we should go and be to the fullest as we can be and not to wait till everything is too late to regret and daddy wont even know, cant even see, no matter how much we tried to make up for the losses.

i’m sorry, dad. i wonder if you can see, if you can hear us cry out for you, longing for you. and when i look up at the stars above, i wonder if that’s you.

Pa.. can you hear me calling you?