the night rolls around again, and arent this cycle sickening? i think it is. oh night, oh god i hate nights. nights are the time whereby my pacing slows down a little, my brain relaxes and shuts down for a bit more, and sad, sad thoughts just gushes in like a sudden opened dam. and now, the dam is opened and i got a little sad just now where i walked into da’s room, lie on her messy bed and tears just flow as i stared at the picture on my handphone. i miss you loads, it seems like you’re still here yet i cant feel you. i want to be able to, to raise my head in the familiar manner whenever i heard your familiar footsteps along the corridor, a cough, a loud jingling of keys.

but no, everytime i hear a sound, and when i raise my head frantically, my face will fall in the same fashion, ‘oh. it’s them.’

i’m still searching, i’m still waiting for you to come back home.

da just told me that the more you have dreams about someone who’s gone, it means that the person still longs for you.

.. is that true?

-

i should go and study broadband but i’m still coughing like mad and the mood is no longer there.

-

humans, oh arent we the strangest creatures.

today was spent rushing to school because i was late for ccom class, rushing to finish the bloody final report after school which was actually due by 5 but we only managed to finish at 6. busy busy busy. right now, i’m so happy that The Final Judging Day is finally going to be here on friday. right now, i’m still holding my breath and all, and on friday, i can finally breathe the sigh of relief out.

i’m incredibly stressed by broadband quiz though. after trying unsuccessfully to study the first chapter last night.. i think i’m quite ready to toss the book in the air with my hands held up. each day i’m like racing here and there, with so many pending tasks hanging over each step, and i feel so tired with work schedule to meet. and tomorrow is a off day but i have plans in the early afternoon with Mom at the HDB thingy, and after that i have to rush back to school to complie the website. oh whee, i bet everyone is envious of my lack of life.

i am too.

another thing before i let bro back to this computer, i loathe groupmates who doesnt do their best in their allocated tasks. broken english, few phrases copied from other people, copied nevermind, she copied the wrong stuff and just happily right-click and paste it in. hello, we have to do the edits for you huh? i hate them for their lack of seriousness, always going missing when we are at our busiest. this is the kind of people i wished i never have to partner with in future. i seriously sympathize with the people who are going to work with her this semester. wish ya luckkk!

Dearest Dad,

i miss you.

you’re always always alive in my heart. did i mention that?

at that top left corner i held my right hand close to.. you’re alive.

Love for eternity, your daughter and forever more,
Adeline

Dear Friend,

i wonder why, your attitude is disgusting me more and more everyday. i count silently at the minutes whenever i have to spend some time with you, and i wish we dont have to.

Dear Friend,

i wonder why, we have to change so much. why cant things remain at that one point of time where i could link my arm through yours freely, make fun of one another, message each other almost everyday, tell each other almost everything, have meals together loads of time, study together while testing one another?

Dear Friend,

do you even remember what’s the last movie we have watched together.. ? you know what, i do remember. and do you remember the only chinese movie we’ve caught? no, you dont. you insisted that we didnt.

Dear Friend,

i cant help it. i just really dont like you that much anymore.

maybe that’s a blessing in disguise, eh.. friend?

Love, from your Friend

*COUGH COUGH COUGH CHOKES

bad bad cough! right now, it’s not the throat that hurts, but the choking cough that keeps choking my windpipe. :( and then everytime i cough, my heart hurts. :(:( ahhhh, what a day.

okay, i havent been drinking enough water. any at all. just a sip for the medicine this morning and that bottle of juice i had as lunch. yes, that’s how pathetic i am today. liquid for lunch! i stayed till 9pm in school to rush that bloody chapter 3. 4 hours of work popped up a 22-paged worth of gibberish. oh wellsss. beggars cant possibly be choosers can we? i’m craving for cupcakes now! those gooey gooey ones.. :)

-

okay, i’m beat. i’m sitting crossed-legged on the twirling chair, a mini-packet of honey strepsils on my left lap, a cup of water on my right. thinking, thinking, thinking. but before i can think real thoughts, i started sputtering in between coughs and gasping for air again.

ARGH

term-test time table is out! tuesday to thursday means CHIONG CHIONG CHIONG :)

oh wow, i’m disgusted by that smiley face that i have just put. whatever am i being happy about? ARGH, COUGHS COUGH COUGH

i managed to take some days off to study, but i really need more days. and speaking of studying, i’m supposed to have my face bury in my broadband book since 10pm. procastination!

i really need to go and catch some sleep. judging’s on friday and i really really need my voice to defend and object and interrupt the judges if they talk too much.

ouch, my english is so bad.

**December 11th is coming.

a quickie before i jumped into bed..

up to date, there are really really really many many many things that i should be doing other than working: my chapter 3 report that i had barely started and hello girl, dateline is on wednesday for god’ sake! netsec quiz on tuesday and i’ve only started reading chapter one. and not even able to finish it. and there’re four chapters in total, HELLO. and there’s the website that we need to finish correcting and compile for tuesday’s revision, and i still left a few more stuff to add and delete, come to think of it. and final judging is on fridayy. the big big day. the day when This Annoying Website Can Say Goodbye To Us. oh my. i’m soooooo doomed. i need to hire a life planner.

anyone up to organise my messy life?

besides these annoying tasks that screams PLEASE DO ME, i really need to note down the dates that i have to take off on december. there’re the term test, 10th onwards omg, family’s outing, term test’s study week.. kakak is going to slaughter me.

there’re seriously SO many things to do and i dont know where to start.

so this is what i’m going to do tomorrow, after work:

1)do first part of chapter 3
2)study netsec quiz: chapter 1-3 (unlikely, but i still hope for such a possibility)
3)anyhow do a research on thailand for mcomp

see, this is how organise i can get.

damn, i forgot to mention broadband quiz on friday.

i really really need a break from work for me to settle all this knots, arghh. if only it’s this easy as saying it out.

payday on monday but pay’s already in my account. just hope i wont spend unnecessarily, recklessly, and without-thinking-ly.

 

can yesterday turn one back around?

-

shoutout of the day:

okay, my m.comm quiz is a goner. i got a different paper from my friends who claimed the quiz was easy-peasy! *bang the wall*

ARGHHHHHHHH!

-

annoying things aside, today we cleared viva presentation with a thumb-ups! okay, i’ve imagine this myself; but miss lee said we did pretty okay, so doesnt that means a thumb-ups?:) next week we got more headache stuff to clear but relaxxxxxxxx, one thing at a time baybeh! i’m acting so excited i dont know why.

my sore throat is recovering nicely, but now, i’m tempted to cough every few minutes continuously. i dont know why either.

i actually got loads to write about but somehow, everything’s forgotten. i think i need to go out and get some fresh air soon. all work and work is making me incredibly grumpy, sad and dull. i need to pick up the pieces spilled all over here and there, find them, mend them, glued them, and stick them together whole again. imperfection is sometimes more of a beauty, i feel. the scars and crack lines doesnt matter. whats important that it’s whole again.

and the first piece i pick up from school today is that touch of confidence that i had somehow lost. but that compliment, those simple words had brought a spark into my eyes, a glow onto my face. i felt incredible and mighty, and just for that moment, proud of myself.

thats the first time i felt the old me, burning inside somewhere in the depths of my soul. it’s still there, trapped perhaps, forgotten perhaps, but it’s still there.

-

i’m tired, restless and beat. tomorrow there’s work to attend to, netsec quiz to study , chapter 3 report to write, website to finish correcting. so many things, so little time. and worse still, i’m the world’s lousiest organizer. you can see from my life. a mess among the messes. maybe people can start calling me Miss Messy. and i’ll go, ‘helloooooo!’

-.-

lastly, work is really very sian. just plain sianzation. 3 more days!..

on a lighter note, i really really wanna watch Enchanted.

 

Miss you miss you miss you.

cough cough and sputters*

tonight, as i sat typing here, everyone’s in bed, including da and her boyfriend and the world, to me, is silent. i can only hear the sound of these keys tippy tapping away, and i’m distracted by the flickering of the smiley face’s mouse that gan-ma bought back during her beijing trip.

i just did some mcomp studying, claps on my back and pats on my head for being almost goody-goody. but ha, who am i to kid? no matter how much i seem to be studying, or whacking my brain cells over a certain question, i seem to only able to give up in the end. that’s me. i’m ashamed of that me, for the matter, but i’m always unable to kick away that bad habit. ‘give up give up’, stupidly, seems to be my motto. and i still daresay i wanna graduate? but the question is, do i deserve to?

-

today marked the 31th day since that day. somehow, funnily enough, it seems like just yesterday, and yet, ages ago at the same time. as usual, i dont know what to think. on the outside, i look cheerily enough, almost like my normal self, laughing and cracking and talking to the best i could with my terrible sore throat, all smiley and sometimes quiet, but i never shown my feelings to these people i see almost everyday. (except that lia caught me crying at one time) but how could they have known, or would even care for the tiniest bit, that inside, i’m weeping? crying, screaming, kicking up a fuss, emotionless-

it’s was only when i’m alone, on the way home from work, walking towards that bus-stop behind the mrt, or sitting alone by the bus window, or at night typing all this shit out, or at night sleeping in Daddy’s room would i let myself feel such despair and helpless-ness. i thought about the unfairness. i ask every god i knew well silently, looking up at the sky, why him? i keep asking. why him? why my Dad? why must he be the lesson learnt? why must his death be the one teaching others to cherish their lives by going for regular checkups? those idoits never seems to care about all these before Dad’s death. so why must it be Dad who let them learnt and realized? arent this unfair, God? i questioned you. if you have a reason, indeed, let me understand so i wouldnt be so resentful, spiteful, be filled with such auguish, misery, guilt and pain for him that no one will ever understand no matter what they say that they could.

every time i sees something that reminds me of him, the turmoil of emotions that washed over me is over-empowering. it gushes through each and every of my veins towards my heart and you know what, it feels like a hand closing over my heart, squeezing it hard. tears will threaten to slip out and i’ll hastily rub them away with the back of my hand. ‘dont cry, you silly girl, dont cry.’ some moments, however, i sat, stunned and shocked, as the truth washes over me once again: Dad’s gone, he’s gone. and it always feels like i’m re-disgesting that fact over and over again, recapping every single incident from 24th again and again, and i feel numbed to my bones. part of me dont believe it, while the other shouts and punch the truth into my head. it hurts. it hurts till it shocks and i feel nothing at all. sometimes i feel happy and fine you know, because i’m pretending that nothing has ever happen. things are still wonderful for all of us, everyone in the family well and fine. but then, something will snap into pieces inside you again and everything started crashing around you, over and over, again and again. it’s like a cycle that would never stop cycling.

death is a great teacher. but it’s too bloody damn harsh. 

i know, i know. people will say, ‘this is life.’ indeed it is. but why why why why why? why him? i still want to understand, to embrace it and let go, but my heart and brain kept racing with this question.

why him? why my Dad?

there’s one thing i’m not clear and pretty fed up about! why is my gmail always filled with spammed emails like, something to increase dick’s sizes or drink more viagra or whatever? it’s really annoying that i have to clear these bloody mails everydayyyy :(!

-

anyways, i called in sick today because of terrible sore throat, body aches and dizzy spells. which also means that i missed m.comm quiz. which also means i got to go for the re-quiz and i’m pretty nervous about when it will be, because okay, i admit, i wasnt well prepared for it. but i heard it’s easy! but the re-quiz probably wont be the same, damnnnn damnn :( but believe it or not, my head is still dizzy :(

and oh yeah, the doctor sucks. the other doctors in other rooms already finished their consultation by lunchtime and mine havent! so when mom and i went in, he was in such a frenzy that he asked immediately what sickness i have. then he hurriedly (and i mean in such a hurry) took my temperature, listen to my heartbeat and he didnt even tell us what sickness i have or ask me to drink more water like doctors normally will tell me- he just passed me my mc and prescription and said bye! bloody dr edward. i’ll remember you! make me wait for almost 3 hours just to get your lousy consultation. boo-hoo for you, doctor.

so overall, i waited 2.5 hours more and spent 5 bucks less for a polyclinic doctor.

hmm, maybe next time i can think again if it’s worth it.

-

i got loads to do right now. so many things, too many responsibilities! arghhhh.

1)ccom report - chapter 3, due on 28/11
2)changes to website - final run through on 27/11 and judging on 30/11
3)study for broadband and netsec quiz for next week
4)viva presentation on this friday!!!

omg, ding dong tick tock - did i just hear the clock laughing?

and i’m still wondering if i should go school to tackle the bloody website tomorrow. because right now my stomach is acting funny and my throat too :(

i hate this semester and i havent have a great day in weeks. plus workload both in school and at work is driving me crazy. i need to stop either of them. but how can i drop work now? i’ll get killed by my colleagues. but how can i give up on school now? i only left this semester to graduate!

i finally understand how it feels like being a sandwich now :(

1. i’m really tired, yet i’m still here, opening my visual studio software and shutting down again because it’s too lagged and has some stupid memory space problem.
2. today, i was late for work for about 4 hours. and i got into this really sulky touched-me-and-i-will-cry-mood. i hate this kind of day.
3. tomorrow, or rather, today, we self-declared dooms day. mp assessment! 80%! omg help, i’m breathing really really hard.
4. …………………………………. (zzz)

May god bless us.

right now, the tele behind me is blaring the grudge in loud horrifying sound effects that proved once again what a coward i was, and being, as i’m too afraid and only dared to sneak a few useless glances. i’m interested yes, but still too horrified by the nightmares that might haunt me later, so i feel safer to avoid it hahaha. i love horrors but i’m afraid of watching? i think i’m changing, i’m no longer such a horror fan as before! i think stardust and star wars are my kind of movies now :)

oh oh, something random, i wanna grow my hair till long long again! i’m envious of other people’s shiny tumbling locks, while compared to my unruly limp ones. and yes, my hair is shiny too but it’s most probably due to the super active oil glands i have :( but what to do! unless i switched genes haha.

gosh, did i mention that how heavy my workload is in school and nobody understands? especially my colleagues, they never seemed to believe me whenever i told them how tired i am, without a single day of rest the entire week, and they will jump in and say how tired and exhausted and beat they were blah blah blah, and wanting me to sympathise with them! when they dont even care about whether i’m tired or not #$%$#%#! it always pissed me off and makes me so sad :( yeah, some selfish colleagues i have huh. they’re allow to rant and i’m supposed to agree, when whatever i say go in one ear and come out of the other. oh lucky, lucky me!

i’m super stressed by tuesday’s mp assessment but the hell with it!

happy-go-lucky, happy-go-lucky, happy-go-lucky

oh yes, good reminder.

something that i must mention: i found the cute kiddy watch that Daddy bought for me on my birthday! and i’m so thankful that i cried.

i wonder where you are
just that i always forgot to tell you
how much i love you

and ironically, it’s always too late

i got a yummy cupcake for breakfast, an egg sandwich during break and mcnuggets meal for dinner today. i just had my macs at 730pm and now i’m hungry again. pig or what?

CCN day was plain boring. i walked passed almost all the stalls with my friend but i just couldnt find any stalls that sells pretty stuff or cheap bluetooths! yes, i’m a cheapo and i’m looking for a bluetooth for my computer. T.T but almost all the stalls were selling food! donut balls (which we bought for 3 for $2, and i threw away the peanut one god bless me, such a waste!), lollipops, popcorn, kuehs, nasi lemak, ice-creams and more donuts etc. where have all the cheap bluetooths gone to? :( after wasting our time squeezing in between the horrendous over-ethusiastic crowd (shudder), and almost getting rainbow sprinkles on my white top, i have to go back to the gloomy lab to proceed with the stupid project.

what a sad day. plus i seem to have some lack of communication with my groupmates. sometimes, it gets really so frustrating that i dont care anymore :(

-

i think i need to start relying on livejournal’s writer block topics to write my posts next time round. nothing could be more boring than this. seriously. all i can write is to rant non-stop, grumpy frumpy one.

i’m quite annoyed with some people now.

morning shift tomorrow, may the sun woke me up on time.

-

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着.. i think about you every minute, every second, every single day.

i keep getting the feeling that any moment now, just any moment, i would hear the familiar sound of Daddy taking his sandals off while holding on to the door, asking us to open the door.

Dear God, are you looking after Daddy? please do. I miss him loads you know.. loads.

-

these few days, bad lengthy dreams haunted me. the other day i dreamt of Dad, in his red shorts, there in the funeral, walking about and talking to us as normal. we could see and talk to him, joke with him, like.. he was still there and here, alive. it was such a saddening dream, but at least, in the dream, i saw him joked and laughed. at least, none of us were crying. and last night, i dream that a cousin of mine kept drinking and drinking. hmm, strange dreams yes? Dad, i’m still waiting for you to appear in my dreams, hold my hand, and talk to me. Dad.. ?

-

went to school today to catch up with the mp project. except for some teeny problem of some guys using our PCs, everything went pretty smoothly. some progress, so yay. i’ll be back tomorrow before work to touch up somemore though! workwork, suckss. i cant wait to say ciao! to my mp supervisors. maybe i should start doing a countdown for the days till i graduate. but then, on the otherhand, what if (what if only, choyyy) i cant graduate because i flunk something? choychoychoy.

-

i’m really amazed at myself on how well i can control my emotions in front of some people. in their hearts, they must be thinking:’why is she acting so fine and well?’

ha, if only they knew.

-

the other day, this guy was sitting behind me during lecture. he accidently dropped his pen and he called my name with the ‘line’ prounounced all wrong (roll eyes here), and say he couldnt remember the proper way to call and asked me to pick up his pen for him. so i looked down, and stared while my friend picked it up. and then this conversation started behind me, between the dimwit guy and his girl friend in loud whispers:

girl: you know her?
guy: yeah. (pauses)
guy: she sells lingerie, you know at the shop in tm.
girl: ohhhh, that one!

after i heard what he said, i found it annoying and interesting at the same time that it occurs him to put in the ’she sells lingerie" sentence. does that makes the fact that he knows me more laughable and entertaining? hey, she sells lingerie lehhhhhhhhh.

and, i forgot to add that, ever since he notices that i work at LS, he had came down twice, once with a guy friend in tow, to walk one round around the shop. may i add that i dont know you at all?

ha ha, very funny (insert his name, which i forgot), my job might seem like a joke to be passed around and shared but it’s still a decent job, stupid.

times like this, like today, i seriously envious people who have laptops or computer that reacts faster. if i have, then maybe today i can stay home after all.

blimey.

woo yay, i changed back my template :)

i’ve been spending alot i dont know why.

guilt filled me.. just what am i doing now? whatever am i doing?

and my milk coin bottle is not even 1/10 filled yet.

i’m tired tired tired. my head feels like a hammer whacking non-stop at it. i feel fainted.

mp assessment today was plain plain horrible with a capital H. my heart was thumping incredibly painfully as the stress weighs heavier and heavier. giving up is always the easy way out. and just right then, i fantasized myself yelling "okay okay stop torturing me, I GIVE UP!" and walked away upon seeing the teachers’ shocked faces. HA. i’m so tired that my neck hurts, my head hurts and i feel like puking. i hate school, this stupid mp project and stupid quizzes that i dont understand a single thing.

next week is going to be a busy busy week filled with lots and lots of brain draining work.

i suddenly wanna say, ‘i wanna give up. i dont wanna work anymore, study anymore. just let me give up. just let me give up, okay?’

right now, my brain feels dead and i dont know what i’m thinking. it got so bad that i put on an orange shirt just now and didnt think anything was wrong. oh stupid me.

work’s fine, i pretty enjoyed myself today, trying on the new/old stocks and filling up the reservation drawer with more bras and tops. now it feels like i’m buying nonsensical stuffs to keep myself occupied and not empty. part of me is annoyed and pissed, like, why am i spending and spending but part of me feels really good. oh, i dont know if that’s good or bad.

yesterday, colleagues passed me an envelope with money and said it’s their token of concern and asked me to accept it. not knowing that i cant, and after their insistence, i took it and mom told me to return it today and said we cant accept because it’s been weeks. i mean, yeah, if they really have the heart, they shouldnt wait till so long. in saying this, i’m not implying that i’m not appreciative. i am, but people can tell if you really have the heart through actions. and giving people their concern after weeks just doesnt makes any sense. i dont know to them, that action is they want to or just simply they have to. there’s a difference. some people wont even bother asking, that’s sad but i’ll live.

anyway, i bumped into a old friend in school this morning. she came and hugged me and asked if everything at home was alright. and i just say, "like that lor." i dont know what to say. what did she expect me to say? i really dont know. and she just looked hesitantly at me, asked me to take care and said she have to go for her class.

i’m uncertain of how i feel about this. my brain is stuck.

school really sucks. everything is like an alien language to me, while to all my friends, it seems such a easy tasks. apply everything to the formula, with a few clicks of the calculator, volia!, they got the answer while i’m still stuck in the applying formula mode. i wonder where did all my plans in studying after school went. i got a couple of quizzes and formal presentation next week and goodness knows if i can withstand them. i’m tired, and now hurray to 3 workless days.

things will never be the same again, no matter how my friends pretend that nothing had happened and continued to joke with me and talk to me about their life, i really have no mood to listen.

i hate it that life still have to move on, everyday still paces quickly by. i hate it when i feel useless and helpless that i can do nothing to smoothen her pain. what i care most now, is her. please bless her everyday, God.

everyone says, ‘be tough. life still goes on."

but they dont understand that i dont want to move on. not without you, Pa. not without you.

I’m wondering what’s getting onto me.

Sometimes I’ll just suddenly gazed off at a distance, thinking.. sometimes, I’ll just suddenly want to burst out crying.. sometimes whenever they started talking about pa and how stuff can always be done to prevent this and that and i just felt like slapping them for bringing this up for the 31243297492 time and for making ma sad and cry..

i wished i can just graduate faster, stopped having to see all those faces whom i dont like and quickly have some contribution to this family. i want to stay home more, but everytime school ends, and i have no work, i suddenly dont feel like going home where reality is so freaking, starkingly real.

today mom’s outburst shocked me a little. but what’s she said is true. when we were once given a chance to be fillial we should go and be to the fullest as we can be and not to wait till everything is too late to regret and daddy wont even know, cant even see, no matter how much we tried to make up for the losses.

i’m sorry, dad. i wonder if you can see, if you can hear us cry out for you, longing for you. and when i look up at the stars above, i wonder if that’s you.

Pa.. can you hear me calling you?

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