why tell me why..

.. that you come home drunk almost every night? and today you’re even later than me.

.. you keep borrowing money from me or us once every while? i do not understand. you spent your whole PAY on yourself, on your bloody bets and when you lost and have no money, you came crawling back. ‘got money to lend?’ i’m angry, i’m hurt, i’m feeling so bitter, and this feeling had happen so many many countless times.

sometimes it gets so bad that you dont even have money to eat. you came home and started digging around the house for food. like now. i watched you, i heard you ask me who bought those food, and i just told you coldly that i dont know.

you always say to me, ‘you look so tired, dont work le lah!’
and i wanna ask, wanna wanna ask while looking straight into your eyes, ‘then how? you’ll give me money ah?’ and most of the time i imagined myself throwing my head back and laugh and laugh. but i always kept these words to myself. who knows? one day i might just let my angry feelings take control over my thoughts.

and now you say to me, ‘you dont want watch right? i off ah.”
i reply, ‘no, i dont want.’

‘goodnight.’
‘k, goodnight.’ you shut the door.

i wanna us to be a happy family. i wanted the old you back. the you who used to be the best father in the entire world. who bought us out shopping every weekend when we were young, who drove us around to school almost everyday, who would take care of us patiently while Mom shopped with aunts, who gave us allowance every week without fail, who makes Mom so happy by surprising her with a birthday cake one year. the cake was green, i remembered, and you opened the front door, empty-handed, hiding the cake on top of the shoe rack, and only bringing it out when Mom opened the door to let you in, thinking you have forgotten at first. there was even a few pictures of you guys hugging each other, and laughing so happily and you, slightly drunk. it was a candid shot that we took and it’s one rare one. so happy then.

but now was now. i even remembered the one birthday present that you bought me. the first one in many many years i could remember. i was quite young then, in primary school and you came home with a watch for me. a cute watch with cute cartoons on it. a plastic watch. my pre-loved watch.

so happy then.
but now is now.

i love you Dad, i miss the old you.

i hereby proclaimed that my skin, is very very very very very very bad. :( I’M TOTALLY DEPRESSED BY THOSE ANGRY RED PATCHESS.

must be the stress? the lack of sleep? the lack of water?

VERYVERY SAD AND DEPRESSED LAH.

there’s the queen julep mask and it’s tightening my green skin right now, and lets hope it works miracle. i totally could not looked into the bright mirrors at work! yes, it’s so bad. :((((( why oh why.. my skin attacks has been so darn frequent lately!

-the very very depressed girl.

before i go and have myself suck into The Lunatic Cafe again, here’s an early happy birthday singapore! about in 37minutes time! yay, i’m a dork and yes i love singapore though it’s boring, but at least it’s safe yes? :D and while the whole island is cracking fireworks, singing those cheesy songs, and dancing in swishy skirts tomorrow, moi will be at work from 10am till 6pm! gonna bloody missed this year fantastic works! boo-eeee! but rene says she’ll record for me hahaha! but i doubt she’ll remember. ;(

ANYWAY, am very hungry now! blame the chicken and egg porridge we had for lunch! no more porridge! i’m starving yesyesyes and i’m still depressed.

sigh!

*

hey come and talk to me tomorrow leh..

i did.

but where the hell are you?