today i’ve decided on a couple of things. one, i have a love/hate relationship with my friends; two, it’s time to give anita blake books a break because the plot has gotten too puzzling and make me confused; three, shit i’ve forgotten what i wanna say.

i want a break, i want a break badly.

-

3 more days of work starting from tomorrow. hmm. what can i say? what more can i whine about? i’ve just gotten one thing clear. if i can, if things falls into place smoothly, i want a new work place with it’s fair share of malays, chineses, indians or whatever. just a fair share please. and not a workplace where chinese to malays equals to a ratio of 2:4. it’s TWICE and one hell of an annoyance. they speak malay and yak malay and laugh malay and sputter malay like they know no other language. and they can ask why am i so quiet. dont you guys have any common sense. how do i engage in those conversations when i think you guys are talking alien? eh?

patience, patience. choices, choices.

am comtemplating of quitting with a big Q but a voice keep going on and on, chiding, ’stop being such a baby and keep whining day and night. if you want money, you work money.’ why am i so weak. why cant i withstand such tests. why am i so angry and miserable about my so-called, or the lack of life. why why why, it’s draining me out. but i cant quit, not now. at least till holidays are over, i can quit and concentrate on the last semester. then i'’ll graduate and go NIE or something. or go work in a bookshop wahahaha. but i decided, again, retail sucks and jolly well sucks and no way it’s ever going to be a long-term thing for me. i hate entertaining and pretending to notice customers or trailing after them wherever they went or trying to please them whatsoever. i think i dont have a customer-service quality in me. am so proudddd.

tomorrow. friday. work. submission of 3 reports that i’m still sorta struggling. oh joy. 2 weeks of coming back to school. 7 weeks more of work. which equals to 49 days omg. after tomorrow, the official start of holidays. no more seeing of people that tweak the bad out of me. no more school food which is yay over anytime. sleep-ins. movies. shopping. hmm, am i going too far now? oh, i’m babbling.

and which gets back to the topic that i got 3 frigging reports to type, print, bind probably and submit by tomorrow. sooo not in the mood. and surprise! i’m online yet i cant pick a single person in the list i would really can have a heart to heart talk with right now. i need some huggies, some insults hurl my way, something to spark the fire in me back again. things arent helping. songs arent helping. friends arent helping. it’s nights and days like these that makes me wanna snuggled up and sulked by myself.

in a way i realize, i’m that hard to satisfy that kinda girl. in a way, i felt locked up. like, i’m with someone and i find no words that i wanna say to them. these days i can go on and on in the mornings without uttering a single word. i clocked in, dumped my bag on my lap, clicked on the PC, tucked my arms down the sleeves of a sweater if i’m cold, with my headphones still blaring music and it just remained like that. sometimes i even switched off the music but kept the ear phones on so i can pretend not to hear when someone call my name and only turn reluntantly when they nudged me. can i pretend that i’ve lost of sense of touch even?

call me crazy, i really think i am.

enough ranting and questioning now. back to reports with losts of "ss’s" behind.

can i feign ignorance..?

-

p.s. this is the 111th post. i’m 11 posts overdue for the 100th post celebration of posting "100 Things About Me".
p.s.s. not that anyone will be interested enough, though.

okay, it’s tuesday, it’s ONLY tuesday GAH!

3 more days to the end of half of everything and yes, i cant wait. i should be checking my mails, updating my ipod or finishing my report like everyone else but my brain arent moving now. i just ate samosa cooked by yh and mom and it’s yummy(: i took a nap and woke up to just one satay left for dinner and my, what pigs i got for a family(: i’m finishing the tenth book Anita Blake book: Narcissus in Chains yay. there are 5 more books to go and yes i can finish it.

school is so depressing, i dont feel good every early morning, not knowing what to do, what my goal for the day was. do you feel this too? or is it just me?

i cant wait for the holidays to work more(seriously?), catch loads of movies, have plenty of sleep-in days, met up with friends whom i love for their company, and i got this strange feeling that i would be avoiding loads of people. i feel like locking myself up and just be alone for awhile. now now, where is this feeling coming from? well, i think i dont like some people i’ve been currently seeing almost everyday.

it’s wednesday tomorrow :(

ooh, here’s one series i’m super keen on reading (: - The Dresden Files

ooh, here’s 2 songs i’m sooooo addicted to (: - Leave Out All The Rest, 4am In The Morning

when my time comes
forget the wrong that i’ve done
help me leave behind
some reasons to be missed

and dont resent me
when you’re feeling empty
keep me in your memory

leave out all the rest

-

i give you everything that i am
i’m handing over everything that i’ve got
cause i wanna have a really true love
dont ever wanna have to go and give you up
stay up till 4 in the morning and the tears are pouring
and i want to make it worth the fight
what have we been doing all this time?
baby if we gonna do it, come on do it right

all i wanted was to know i’m safe
dont wanna lose the love that i’ve found
remember when you said that you would change
dont let me down
it’s not fair how you are
i cant be complete can you give me more?
and all i know is
you got to give me everything
and nothing less cause
you know i give you all of me

 

 

and ooh, someone’s back home drunk again oh my oh myyyyyy what a surpiseee. do you wanna guess who? one hint: letter begins with ‘D’ for a more endearing word to call.

so right now i shall blog when waiting for my silly brother to come out of the bathroom so i can wash my lenses.

i’m so exhausted that i dont really know what i’m thinking anymore. the most distracting thing was that my teeth smelled of strong mint and it’s like i’m chewing on peppermints. and the next distracting thing was that my eyes are both incredibly dry.. sigh! i took off the lens halfway through work, being ugly is only secondary when it comes to eyes issues dont you agree?

-

someone added me on msn today and i went to check the blog link on the nick and -gasps!- it’s the guy clem is matchmaking me with! bloody clem. i do not need this thank youuuuuuuuu.

kh sms me this evening oh surpriseeeeee! he started the sms-session with a very funny question that it sounds like he is just trying to start a topic: hey you want the secret song?

ah-ha. we havent speak in weeks and i saw him at the bus stop after school but i chose not to acknowledge his existence. maybe this trigger off the funny sms? i was surprised but thank you.

-

shit i just logged on to my gmail and there are 46 emails pending! goes to show how much i had neglected it hoho, and all mainly are mailing lists. my hotmail tooo, 76 mails and counting. oh boy i kinda miss those chain mails thingy, so funn to readdd! but it seems like no one sends them anymore?

one more week.

i’m thinking if i should wear my contacts tomorrow. i wore it on tuesday and it seems okay (choyyy) but boo for the dryness after a few hours. my left eye is so much weaker than last time and it sucks sucks sucksssss. :( so should i wear it? now that my hair is so freaking short and horrible, wearing specs seems to be making it more worse than usual. choices, choices.

i think i need some more control over my temper. someone told me the other day, surprisingly, after i seemed very frustrated: if you keep getting so angry and dont control it, sooner or later you’ll have high blood.

hmm, how interesting. i never thought my temper could be so overboard but trust me when i say i forgot these anger pretty easily. it fades, through no denying that the thing that makes me angry did happen.

-

it bother and disturb me in a way whenever someone tries to ask me out, insisting that i gave him an answer. it’s so pressurizing. what do you want me to say when i sound so hesitant? a teeny part of me is pleased and flattered that you still care and interested but, i’m feeling so demoralized now that nothing seems to matter.

what awaits tomorrow? you know what, i dont really wanna know. i wished i got one more day of MC.

no updates for more than a week and the first entry had to be a major ranting session. goes to see how sucky life had been so far eh. how about yours? definitely much better than mine, no bets needed.

one more week till the end of SIP. rejoice maybe? but holidays wont be a full one anyway, and i’m still learning to forgive and forget. maybe forgiving seems possible, maybe i’m too petty or whatever, but i will never forgot. each lesson learnt will make me stronger, more practical perhaps and makes people true colours shown more clearly. i truly wished this week could pass over quickly, and august 31 could come faster. i just feel like locking myself up in the house and busied myself with work. naw, what a loner.

i’m thinking seriously now that i might need to see a counsellor or something, soon. it’s depressing and i always have the tendency to make things more complicated than they usually are. my definitions of friends seems to be always changing, and i wonder, why things always takes a sharper turn after a soothing ride? i wanna understand you, be close enough to touch, to lean in someone when we talk, to laugh madly that our hair becomes messy. Missing You..

if these are the friends i have evolving around me right now, i rather have nothing. i rather let my ability of blending into the shadows takes over and be immense in my own world.

be fake, and i can be fake to you too.

-

i’m being a good girl now, on this MC day. i planned to finish my weekly report and start with the SIP report. life sucks, yeah but i will live.

you’re way too beautiful girl, that’s why it will never work. you’ll have me suicidal, suicidal when you said it’s all over.

i love your nick.

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hmm, how should i begin this blog post?

yay, i’m home? today i finally at my KFC zinger and for only 4.20 a meal! :D i thought of having macs at first ‘cause i was suddenly craving for nuggets but the value meal coupon snatched my attention awayyy, and so we had KFC instead. a stone day, a peaceful day filled with 5-minutes piss-offs, ice-lemon tea and oily fingers. it’s kinda sad that both rini and cat announced that they might be quitting soon and goody, i thought, which ends up back with me alone with the the 3 full-timers AGAIN for, what? the third time? oh very goody indeed. sigh! why cant everyone i end up liking stay? why is it always me alone in the clutches of LS again? i should yay now, no one to rant and complain and gossip about the customers anymore! :(

anyway, da is at bf’s house, jas went back to jurong, so tonight is a very quiet night and the only sound that filled the air are these keys tap tap tapping away. and i should/will enjoy while i can :) i’m craving for strawberry milk or wheatgrass juice and my the lunatic cafe book. so yeah, that’s all for this lonely night.

p.s. life must be really wrong right now because my hp seems non-existent at most times. hor?

oh yes i wore red on national day. :D to my utmost disappointment, not many people wore red! i guess those who wore would be at marina bay and not at TM? anyway, i’m so happy that i wore red. the colour didnt seem to exist in my wardrode could you believe as i think the colour seems too much fancy. but yayyy, yesterday was a good excuse to wear it! :)

quite a pleasant day i dare say; my sales topped over 900+ hurrah, i had yucky oyster mee sua and apple green bubble tea for lunch, had fun crapping with cat and rini, psst! tell you a secret, i dont like tina. she can go **** herself. i just simply dont like her. fake? auntie-ish? had no sense of style at all! her character just sucks, please re-write. hahahaha! went home cuddling 2books from sans bkshop, and i ate dinner alone with an egg fried by mommy before they left for escape with rice and after that i propped myself up in front of the sofa to watch the NDP. a date with me, my book and NDP. i love the songs ‘digital city’, ‘would you?’ and the song that kit chan sang! :D it had been a while since i had the house to myself, even for a few short hours were wonderful (: me loves it. what can i say? i’m a loner at heart.

*

today i was very tempted not to go school. it’s unfair that the uniformed schools get their holiday and we get only one. eeeyer, some fairness please! school dragged by as usual and doom is coming, we can feel it. horror filled our consciousness at the realization that the deadline is very very very near. shucks, helpppp. my addrecord is going bonkers, and no one is waving their fairy wand and helping. i saved a copy of my work but i very much doubt that i would touch it on sunday. no motivation plus i’m hanging by a very thin thread, that might snap any second. hurrays for me huh.

i freaking hate school need i repeat?

work was funny, amusing and okay tonight. i had macs milo ‘cause i was almost starving and mac’s milo is always thick and lovelyyyy, me likes(:! non-stop customers ewww.

*

i saw the orange polo man at bus21 again with 2 red bags of flattened cans hurled at his feet. such sadness and frowns on his wrinkled face, and i feel so much for him. thankfully, he was sitting down, so i was happy. and i heard an old woman sitting beside him asking, ‘how much did you earn from those?’ in chinese. and he replied in a tired voice, ‘5 or 6 dollars.’

guilt, is such a earth-shattering emotion.

*

i suddenly thought of you, of how much i wanna clasp my arms around your neck, breathing in your soothing scent, running my fingers through those strands of hair mussed up in wax, clay or gel, knowing well you hated it, but you’ll let me do it anyway. i would breathe in deeply like the old times, indulgencing myself in the comfort of your arms, and cherishing that one lovely private moment. how sweet, how safe, how deep i feel for you. and then i jolted myself out, shaking my head silently, thinking why the hell i’m thinking such thoughts, when it’s all over, all over, all done and over with.

why tell me why..

.. that you come home drunk almost every night? and today you’re even later than me.

.. you keep borrowing money from me or us once every while? i do not understand. you spent your whole PAY on yourself, on your bloody bets and when you lost and have no money, you came crawling back. ‘got money to lend?’ i’m angry, i’m hurt, i’m feeling so bitter, and this feeling had happen so many many countless times.

sometimes it gets so bad that you dont even have money to eat. you came home and started digging around the house for food. like now. i watched you, i heard you ask me who bought those food, and i just told you coldly that i dont know.

you always say to me, ‘you look so tired, dont work le lah!’
and i wanna ask, wanna wanna ask while looking straight into your eyes, ‘then how? you’ll give me money ah?’ and most of the time i imagined myself throwing my head back and laugh and laugh. but i always kept these words to myself. who knows? one day i might just let my angry feelings take control over my thoughts.

and now you say to me, ‘you dont want watch right? i off ah.”
i reply, ‘no, i dont want.’

‘goodnight.’
‘k, goodnight.’ you shut the door.

i wanna us to be a happy family. i wanted the old you back. the you who used to be the best father in the entire world. who bought us out shopping every weekend when we were young, who drove us around to school almost everyday, who would take care of us patiently while Mom shopped with aunts, who gave us allowance every week without fail, who makes Mom so happy by surprising her with a birthday cake one year. the cake was green, i remembered, and you opened the front door, empty-handed, hiding the cake on top of the shoe rack, and only bringing it out when Mom opened the door to let you in, thinking you have forgotten at first. there was even a few pictures of you guys hugging each other, and laughing so happily and you, slightly drunk. it was a candid shot that we took and it’s one rare one. so happy then.

but now was now. i even remembered the one birthday present that you bought me. the first one in many many years i could remember. i was quite young then, in primary school and you came home with a watch for me. a cute watch with cute cartoons on it. a plastic watch. my pre-loved watch.

so happy then.
but now is now.

i love you Dad, i miss the old you.

i hereby proclaimed that my skin, is very very very very very very bad. :( I’M TOTALLY DEPRESSED BY THOSE ANGRY RED PATCHESS.

must be the stress? the lack of sleep? the lack of water?

VERYVERY SAD AND DEPRESSED LAH.

there’s the queen julep mask and it’s tightening my green skin right now, and lets hope it works miracle. i totally could not looked into the bright mirrors at work! yes, it’s so bad. :((((( why oh why.. my skin attacks has been so darn frequent lately!

-the very very depressed girl.

before i go and have myself suck into The Lunatic Cafe again, here’s an early happy birthday singapore! about in 37minutes time! yay, i’m a dork and yes i love singapore though it’s boring, but at least it’s safe yes? :D and while the whole island is cracking fireworks, singing those cheesy songs, and dancing in swishy skirts tomorrow, moi will be at work from 10am till 6pm! gonna bloody missed this year fantastic works! boo-eeee! but rene says she’ll record for me hahaha! but i doubt she’ll remember. ;(

ANYWAY, am very hungry now! blame the chicken and egg porridge we had for lunch! no more porridge! i’m starving yesyesyes and i’m still depressed.

sigh!

*

hey come and talk to me tomorrow leh..

i did.

but where the hell are you?

omg i had been eating hello pandas quite alot lately! and tasty too! yummy, my supper.

horrible day, dont ask. i opened the LS locker and found my new LS shirt inside, black with pink and silver letterings. "wear it!" kakak says. it fitted nicely but i dont like wearing that shirt and stepping out of the store because everyone will look at you weirdly. ughhhh. ohwells, as if i got a choice.

i’m totally hooked to anita blake books frankly. finished the laughing corpse (sounds terrible i know, but it just means a pub in the book) today and it’s awesome :) i couldnt find the next book so right now i’m into the fourth. though i hate skipping books in a series! but no choice again :( and and i cant wait for twilight. :D

work tomorrow! how fun, i’d say.

lastly, i frigging hate school now. frigging freaking hates it. SCHOOL SUCKS BIGGIE.

motivation, discipline, have any?

i think tomorrow will be good,

more anita yo!

and finally, one good thing of wearing specs: it hides your dark eye circles and puffy eyes surprising well.

especially mine.

he was wearing an orange-striped shirt; wisps of white hair crowning his head, his figure stocky and plump. on his left hand, he carried 2 big red plastic bags full of flattened drink cans as he struggled to balance the weight of them and his right hand gripping onto the bus’s pole. is he collecting and selling those 5-cents worth cans for a living? i wondered.

this scene pains my heart somehow and i find myself looking away, unable to study him any longer.

"take a seat, uncle, please take a seat", i wanna say.

somehow, those wisps of white hair and those wrinkles on his face, reminds me so much of my dad. and this is the reason why it pains me so.

-

wednesday was erni’s last day at LS TM and honestly, we were quite glad to see her go. may we never met again.

-

part of me is kinda happy that on national day, i’m working morning shift. so maybe, just maybe, someone will date me out to see fireworks at esplanade like the good old days? but no, i dont really think anyone will do that. so i’m not that happy afterall. but then again, do i really wanna be reminded of those memories that it’ll trigger?

-

i hate school. weekly report for last week not finished when we were supposed to, last wednesday. i hate hate school now. today i heard the HERO song on my ipod and i felt like crying. this morning did not started out well. i hate you borrowing money from me. where are your pay? where did you spent them on? i wanna questioned. in the end you tell me, ‘dont have nevermind’ and you walked out. what am i supposed to do? you tell me? the tone in your voice was determined to invoke the guilty cells in me. and in the end, i loaned you 4/5 of my allowance. reason why? i cared lots for her. the thought of her paying for EVERYTHING when you go out with her, instead of the other way round makes me steamed. i hate this repetition. why cant you surprised me for once and change? why?

and to think i care for you too.

-

this world is insane sometimes. you felt different at different times. you can have friends to lunch with you everytime, friends who teased you, friends who wave and say hi to you when you pass each other by, and sometimes, friends who took the bus home with you. but how come the loss feeling is still there? you still feel lonely, out of place. how can this be? what had went wrong?

you laughed with your colleagues, gossiped with your friends, but after school’s over, shop’s door clanged closed, you went your ways, ‘hey bye, see you tomorrow!" and thats the end.

i wonder what went wrong again, how did things started and tilted this way?

and once again, taadaa a post filled with questions and no answers.

-

anita blake, vampire hunter, is good. one book down.