it probably will be much much more easier i guess, if i simply click on your nick and lashed it all out. the aching my heart felt, the longing that seems to be growing every minute whenever i thought of you. but i just couldnt let myself do it.

it’s really funny. ‘cause it always seems that we had nothing much to talk about when we’re face to face. the awkwardness, the fake-ness, the miscomfit feeling i had. but it’s such an irony that i’m missing you, the first friend who talked to me on the first day of school. we didnt click right away, we even drifted apart for sometime and it was art and our common interest of it that brought us closer. or is it that you always come to me when you realized you’re lonely? i liked to think otherwise; that it’s my company that you enjoyed and not that you just need a company, and anyone would do. i’ll be heartbroken, but why am i surprise: the truth always hurts more.

whenever you arent around and i was with someone who knew you almost as well as i did, somehow, i’ll start talking about you, do you know that? wanting to know if it’s only me that you’re getting furthur and furthur away from, or isit you’re getting furthur and furthur away from everyone who knew you back then? the people who surrounds you now are newer faces. somehow, i hoped you’ll never forget us - the old faces. or is it the truth of talking about you lies in the fact that i wanna know every drop of news i could get my hands on about you? yes, i am jealous i admit. sometime ago, you’re always there, eager for chats and talks and outings together. and now? a text that contained a question, left unreplied, deleted no less. oh, what did i just typed? jealousy. oh yes. i feel that. how could you be so happy? how could you? i’m being incredibly selfish, a part of me says, you deserve it. but somehow, another part of me just couldnt stand it. the change. the shine. the beauty. it was like a photo of 2 of us and i’m fading away into the background, leaving nothing but a black shadow, and you only glow more, shining like a star.

what had went wrong?

a part of me knows, -and understand- that i dont exactly miss you. what i had miss was, the someone who had always been there, waiting. someone i can relied on. and i’m sorry i make you sound like a toy but believe me, it isnt like that.

and then i thought, oh what a selfish girl you are, addy.

 

and i hated myself for it.