the weather knows hows i’m feeling, she thought in surprise, watching the dark sky turned silver; silvery because a flash of light seems to remained fixed in the sky, making it look like the stadium was just beneath it and the entire sky just lights up. Aw, what a sight. it’ll be perfect if the rain rained harder, and the bright sky gleamed brighter, and the thunder roar louder. it simply describes her mood perfectly.

confusion, self-consciousness, sensitivity, these emotions are the culprits of her bitterness, sadness, all put together. it was very hard to understand, she doubt anyone could. how could they, she thought, when she herself couldnt even controlled and figured it out? she dont blame others, she really dont, but she just hoped mean words stayed away and she’s just asking for a little bit of understanding.., a little consideration, a little smilies and huggies and "icareforyous". she was so fed up with a friend somehow, that she just click the little x at the right side without even replying anything else today. she was rude, she knew, but she just think it’s easier to handle it silently, and not lashed it out at that person. there are many things she wanna say, wanna ask, wanna understand, but she is tired, so tired of question marks and misunderstandings that she suddenly couldnt be bothered anymore. school is stressing her out, work is making her more grouchy and sleepy, and everything seems pouring out at once, in all directions.

she hated it when people say something like, "it dont suit you" when you’re going shopping out with her, she really get annoyed by that. must i buy something that i’m always buying? she wondered. cant i buy something ‘cause i liked it and feel like wearing it? just because you like tank tops so you forever can only buy tank tops and nothing else? just because you like mee and hate rice means that you cannot try the latest rice burger? is it that she must always sticks to what she’s using, wearing, reading, doing - and she cant do otherwise because "it dont suit you"? 

it’s frigging annoying and she dont know why - cant she learn to be flexible and try out new things if it makes her happier?

she now admits that she is a very sensitive person. she might not look like but she is. she observes like every pore of her skin is open and reactions of people invoked her senses deeply. she can sense something is wrong, or just anything. most of the time she acts nonchalant and pretends that nothing is wrong, she hasnt hear/see that but most of the time, she did. she might act like she dont care but she’s actually just saving some room for her pride. ah, how strong her pride is, has always been. she secretly likes people coming to her for advices and she likes friendly smiles from people she dont really know.

it was so hard for her to understand herself.

today she was kinda happy. not very, it was too strong a word, but monday did feel good for a few moments. she had BK for dinner and the turkey bacon was good ‘cause it seems eons ago since she last tasted one. she bought a necklace but she wasnt sure if she likes it or not. she bought it simply to fill up some emptiness and because a friend said, "i like it, it’s unique", and so she handled the cash over silently, without even bargaining. which she regretted after stepping out of the shop and there she goes complaining,"i should have ask for 10 bucks!!" it was funny. and she walked and half-drag her friend into diva and saw many pretty trinkets that she likes. but how many necklaces a girl truly needs when she only have one neck? so she left the store and was back half hour later where she bought a rainbowed necklace that she really like and wow, it’s frigging cheap for only 5bucks. so awfully pretty, she couldnt stop smiling. she likes rainbows. it makes her smile. and her friend’s endless complains made her wanna laugh. they headed to topshop and she bought another top -on impulse- again. it was an investment, she consoled herself as she handed over her nets. she wanna buy a watch ‘cause damn, all her watches are failing on her. but she couldnt find any she truly like, so no watches today. so, her buys? 2 necklaces, a top and a eyebrow cutter. a total of 42 frigging bucks just wave and said byebye to her. let her know if you see any dollar notes flying past you with wings please.

and she was so so amazed and touched tonight the moment she saw mommy and was asked, "are you feeling okay? are you unhappy? ‘cause you told me you only like going shopping when you need a getaway and feeling unhappy. unhappy things must say okay?"

at that moment, she felt so happy she could cry. thank you, Mommy, she wanna say, you made my day.

on her way home, her right eyelid couldnt stopped twitching and she suddenly felt excited - will good things happen soon? and she hoped that those talk about "zhuo xiong you ji" thingy is true.

call her superstitious, but good things better start happening to her soon, yeah.