i decided to switch back to this layout - temporarily - cos i still love it.

work today was alright, i’m getting busier than ever, with letters to type and send, appeals to key in, heaps of paper that was pushed aside for filing. you can just imagine, my desk is the perfect example of a pig-sty. lunch was expensive and a waste of money cos the pork ribs are frigging hard. and i loathe pork ribs - seriously, they are not meant for comsumption! who the hell would think they’re pork ribs when the menu clearly stated Pork Chop Rice. #%#^@! i’m wasting so much food lately that i ought to be feeling guilty.

at times, i feel incredibly irritated when people chat me up online using stupid words almost everytime we chat. i hate these words so much that i’ve been practicing them vocally to see what’s the kick of these annoying words. maybe you dont understand why the heck i’m so pissed off, but these words just pisses me off. aww, look i’m ranting like a kiddy!

after work, i headed down to the clinic to get my shine control which was delayed by hasty bus rides that had me sent back to the interchange three times would you believe and by the time i got my hands on the three plastic tubes that costs me $51.50, it’s already frigging 9pm plus. this explains why my eyes are totally dried up now and i can feel my brain coaxing all parts of my body to stop moving momentarily and to get some sleep.

some unluckiness have my boss’s boss witnessing my incredible late-ness this morning. ah, it’s time i set some new goals for new ideals, thoughts and dreams. make way for the new!

oh yess! i caught What Happened In Vegas over the weekend and it’s great - both the movie and company :)

graduation day.
university.
him.

there’s so many things in my mind right now that i’m afraid i would burst. i hate feeling this way. i got 6 more days to think about uni, and i got a week and 3 days left to get myself mentally prepared for the grad ceremony. i want desperately to be free of these. i just feel like enjoying what i can do right now; i need time to think. i need time to decide. i need time, time, time. but time is slipping me by.

and i want to stop thinking about him. and he’s not making things any easier, is he.

-

it turns out that mum’s arm is more serious that we thought. i hope it’ll be okay. it got to be.

UPDATE, Sunday afternoon:

i’m feeling calmer, i expected it’s due to the talk i had with Ping this afternoon. i think i know what i should do now. there will always be room for regrets if i let there be; but there also could be room for improvement too, if i let it be. i dont want to be sulking with regrets over the decision that i would be making by this saturday. i want to be proud of it, and i want it to be the best choice out of the two. the best i can give myself. so what if there will be a twinge of regret nagging at the back of my mind, i just have to make the best out of it. and i will. time will tell.

let’s hope i will stay this strong, sticking up to this belief, let’s hope i will hold on tight. let’s hope i wont plummet back to the ground with a thump. that will really really hurt.

i love talking to J; he perks me up :)

today, later, when i wake up, it’s gonna be an awesome day! for just a day, i want to forget about those annoying nagging fluttering issues. i’m not having butterfiles in my stomach - i’m not.

11:04am -

today is old boring friday, and here am i, sitting in the office, shaking from the cold in my seat. it’s friday come on! but it’s very boring all the same. probably cos someone is on leave today and as much as i dont wish to admit it, his existence do make a very big difference during these hours. i’m craving a joke or a laugh from him so much right now that i’m telling myself, "you got to be joking."

oh yes, i do wish i’m joking.

and as i’m typing this, i’m yawning with my mouth wide open and the pile of appeals sitting on my left is getting thicker - though today’s stack is thinner than other days. okay, i’m not going to be complaining about the appeals cos it seems to be my only rice bowl for the moment.

oh lifeeeee.

i’m missing you right now - just whatever are you doing? are you awake? or still in your sweet morning slumber?

2:19pm -

today is one of those days that, surprisingly, i got nothing much to do on my list. the appeals tray lay empty, the excelsheets full and my inbox totally zero. i’m incredibly bored, thus another short post. just back from chicken rice for lunch and the food looks hideous. you can jolly well imagine the taste. i’m not having my share of fun this afternoon. the office lacked of something - a certain prescene maybe? haha - and it stays cold, empty and quiet. i want to say this again - i miss him.

12:32am - now

i’m back from dinner at zhong huan and it’s great food. except i seems to have a weak stomach lately - i get full easily and i feel sick if i ate too much. and i’ve been wasting half of my food everytime i ate a meal. this truly got to stop as i’m getting bonier each day - or so my family and colleagues proclaimed.

to tell you the truth, i’ve been checking my phone dutifully for traces of a particular someone’s texts. and - i was rewarded with one half an hour ago. i feel my heart beating faster. it’s crazy. realization dawned to me that he is actually not the sms-kind-of-guy. his texts were both short and vague. and he sleeps rather early mind you. i am not really getting used to the idea that someone is actually sleeping earlier than me. compared to his replies, mine were rather long. does that make it obvious that i’m happy, keen and eager? i hope not. i’m still soured and upset about his hasty remark yesterday on the train. probably he will never know that it actually hurts me pretty badly. oh well, i better try to forget it and get it off my mind. you just cant be taking every negative comment to heart, can you. i know myself and i will change. the truth always hurts doesnt it.

but all the same, there’s this little bubble of happiness bubbling in my stomach as his name flickered over my hp screen. along with unease. i just dont like the way i’m feeling, the way that everything about him is affecting me. i dont sound like me. i dont feel like me. i’m afraid of this me. and something that bothers me:

i think he got a girlfriend.

p.s. i got a feeling i should be deleting half of this entry soon. i should be acting cool. i should keep my heart locked up. no no, i shouldnt start liking someone whom i know i shouldnt. the end, okay?

i dont know; the little blue MSN window pops up, featuring the two faces who used to be categorized under my good friends list. i click it, and now, i’m staring at that little picture on the top right corner sadly. i missed you guys. i missed our KTV moments, our giggles and talks, our movie dates, taxi rides, i missed missed working in K Cafe with you all. now, in just a flicker, a few changes, and then, things will never be the same again. we hardly even talked now. how are you, W? i missed you like crazy. i remembered how we met, in the weirdest place, the hotel i hated working at most. i remembered how we bond over cleaning the manager’s office, polishing wine and water glasses with a linen cloth and a flask of hot water in the kitchen. i remembered how you introduced me to your new job and how i’ve grown to like it there, meeting the few others. how we talked over our crushes, dates, heartbreaks; and so so many others.

i just want to say, i thought about you tonight. it’s funny how i could be feeling sad and happy just by seeing your tiny picture. your smiling faces. you’re happy with D arent you? i’m really glad things turned out fantastic for you two sweethearts. i remembered bumping into both of you in february, and our faces breaking into grins and fingers fluttering in a wave. but we never did speak. if i have that once chance to be your friend again, then, i must be very blessed for sure. for all we know, but that will never happened anytime soon, right god?

i guess.

endless-paperwork-days.

thats my life now. i cant say i’m not enjoying it cos i’m having fun everyday. but the foolish mistakes i’m endlessly making it’s driving me crazy. i wish i can become smarter, wiser, stop my ability of making people laugh at me. a shitload pile of mistakes is pending at the moment. everytime footsteps stopped by my desk, and i looked up, i will see a smuggy smile mocking at me or a pair of serious eyes staring at me, a piece of paper dangling from her fingers. and then, i will feel the dismay - oh just what have i done now?

and this situation seems to be happening more frequently and it’s all in repetition. stop, rewind, play.

i could have come up with a whole lists of silly/funny comments made by me in this 3 weeks. rather too much dont you think? i’m being stupid, im so so stupid. of cos, you can say i’m not stupid, just brainless. okay, acceptable. i’m too tired to argue now haha.

in the midst of working, waking up early, coming home late, sleeping while standing up on the bus, flipping through random stacks of wrinkled paper, collecting faxes, scribbling little yellow Post-It and sticking them all over my CPU, lunching in stuffy hawker centres, staring dreamily at the gorgeous buildings through my window, i just want to say i’m amazed. amazed that how time can just fly without me actually feeling it, amazed at how great it is to meet new people who just click with you, amazed that i’m actually dreading july, when work will come to an end and another untold new journey would begin.. simply, i’m just amazed at what life brings. oh, and i’m too amazed by how many mistakes i can make and stupid things i can say in a single day.

i’ve just come across a nice quote -

"when you have something great going on, dont try to change it. never improve on perfection."

note to self: dont get too envious there. envy is an never-ending feeling. it just keep coming.

at this moment, the girl typing this is seriously troubled. it’s like the Second Round or something. havent i been troubled enough a few weeks back? i thought it was solved then and now, the problem is back and there it stays, probbing on every single brain cells in my head, kicking up a big fuss, demanding an answer right this minute. this very second. of course, as usual, i dont have much choice. it’s either to accept, reject and wait for next july, or reject and dont think of studying ever again. three choices, three different routes, would you pick one now please? of cos, i’m going to write in to appeal by tomorrow or monday, after i have come out with a fantastic reason. the email is 3/4 typed now, and i just need to ensure that it’s decent before clicking SEND. however, i’m not too enthused about my "strong reasons".

today, the trip down SIM was awfully long and sleepy. met up with Jt at 930 in the morning but we were both late haha. barely into 15 minutes, we were out from the SIM office feeling strangely drained and rejected. it wasnt very hopeful, the woman attending to our enquiries looked that part. as much as we wanted to understand, we were both terribly disappointed.

and then, the day ended with buffet dinner at grandma’s house and the food was pretty awesome :) i loved my oh-tahs! spicy hot anyday but the heat’s stirring in my stomach and i’m feeling rather sick now. i had a fabulous time with all my crazy cousins! any anyday, you guys are the love of my life. :)

right now, when i’m feeling the most uncertain, upset and angry, the only thing that i feel like doing besides banging my head on the table was to call him. just to talk. to hear him at the end of the line making stupid jokes, calling me stupid or offering his advices. he’s rather terrific at offering these i tell you. i dont know, whatever he say, no matter how stupid it really was, always felt unusually reassuring. somehow, i love conversing with him, it’s weird. we seemed to be able to talk about any other random thing under the sky and it’s something that i had grown to enjoy tremoudously these two weeks.

this is saying something, isnt it. am i falling. am i am i. but he is really not the type of guy i would have liked, the inner-me objected.

as much as i would like to, no, i didnt call him. as much as i wanted to.

i think i just saw the most gorgeous phone: sony ericsson k660i - you can never go wrong with black and red!

today, i went to collect my graduation attire which was rather lovely, like an oversize nightdress. it cost a whooping 50 bucks to rent you know, but i’m happy that i have gotten it today cos i’m not gonna be free to collect it on other days. after that, lunch and movie with Jas, followed by a disaster date that i rather dont talk about and back to TM for nasi lemak as dinner. oh yeah, and the new store that sells crepes! both tasted great but we didnt finish either, what a waste of money. we’re too spoiled seriously! :)

i mentioned my feelings about him tonight. it was so rare for me to speak about my feelings for someone so bluntly. but tonight, i have no idea why, i just feel like confessing everything, struggling to find out why the heck did i suddenly care so much about someone that i was missing him on days i didnt get to see him. he came down yesterday though he took leave and i did try to hide the joy i felt when my eyes fell on him. it was stupid, it feels kiddy, silly, and funny all at once. i dont like the way i’m starting to care, starting to want him in my field of vision everytime i looked up, starting to stirr.. - but what about J? what about S? are all these three different sets of feelings the same?

i’m confused, yet i feel ashamed. why am i so fickle. they say i need to feel with my heart, and not the brains that just seem to register all the flaws. what i know is, i want and i need stability. i dont need a guy who looked good. those guys that looked good and is good in the heart doesnt exist. i had long stopped believing that they do. they dont, and even if they do, you just wont be their last girlfriend. but somehow, like always, knowing what you want and what you need is different from feeling what you want and need. i know that i want and need everything, but my heart tells me that hey you dont exactly need those, do you. you just want to hold them for a while, feel top of the world for that moment, and then, it wont be a want anymore since it’s already yours. you will chuck it aside and search for something else. something better, something improved. there will always be things you chuck aside, not knowing to cherish, not thinking of them as blessings. and once they are not yours anymore, you suddenly want them back again. life is complicated. we are always making things hard for ourselves. we’re unsure of the path that we’re walking on, and we’re just going with the flow, following the crowd. we want what everybody have. i want to step out of this crowd, i want to be different. everyday i told myself, from today onwards, my mentality will change, i will seek and strive for something that i truly need, where i will find my place in, where i feel most at ease. being with someone who cheers me up simply just by a smile, a look, a pat on the head. who makes me laugh all the time so often that i am always the last to finish my meals. someone who never let me walked behind him, someone who tries to open doors for me but often never succeed cos i was always snatching for the door handle. someone who can read me and can judge me so cleverly. someone… who can make me burst out in laughter early 9 o’clock in the morning, someone who make me turn my back on just to hide my smiles, someone who always scold me for not having breakfast, someone who says i smell good. someone who can make me feel safe and secure just by simply standing next to me.

.. are you that someone?

i realized this layout looks totally ugly on the PC at work. i should probably change back soon!

last night, i had a chat with J, and to tell the truth, i enjoyed it immensely and i’m missing it now. i miss how we used to chat every night and how funny our conversation always goes. i miss miss him. what the heck right. will things go back to normal, will S just send me a text, i will be the happiest girl for sure. i’m greedy, and this is a terrible, terrible sin.

work’s alright. i realized there’s a limit to everything and how a joke that went too far doesnt seems all that funny anymore. i can laugh when people tease me, but come on, who doesnt get annoyed when things blew out of proportion. i just feel like rolling my eyes and stucking out my tongue at this person. if you think you being charming and all, hello, think again. and yeah, look into the mirror and remember how you looked first before making a smart-alec remark. i can take a joke, a laugh anytime. but i really dont enjoy those too-much comments you’re making today. how irritating.

sticky things aside, i’m worrying alot these days. i’m worrying about uni, about my pathetic income, about those friends i care about but who just somehow arent in the picture anymore. i hope we will never become those people who become strangers due to not seeing each other for months, i hope we’ll always be there for each other. i wish i can tell you how important you are to me. but that can never be explained in words.

**i think tomorrow i shall tie up my hair. it’s time to look serious, ha ha ha.

another busy week.

time seems to run 5 times faster when you’re at work, i have no idea why. i have a good week at work this week, and i’m feeling excited about monday, call me crazy. i’m completely piled up with paperwork but i’m enjoying though i’m complaining and whining all the same. i had fish mee for 3 days in a row and i have enough of it. seriously! it’s delicious and healthy but imagine eating and tasting the same stuff for 3 days was just a little too much. while work’s been good, it makes me feel stupid however, all thanks to my colleagues :) they just loveeee insulting me and have me bursting out in fits of laughter in random moments - even when i’m buried in work! thanks to my stupid brainless answers i guessed. it’s really making me feel stupid. am i that ignorant, seriously? that’s worth a thought.

i meet up with my sisters and XY after work and it was really fun, something we haven been doing for ages. i bought cardis, make-up fixer spray and hp pouch and i’m soooo happy, completed with dinner at pastamania (jas’s idea) and i totally regretted picking creamy chicken - puke please. it was delicious at the first bite, tentative at the third and totally grossed by the fifth! i missed the chicken and mushroom pizza :( char, are you seeing this? - or is it the ham and mushroom pizza? :)

p.s. Mum’s birthday, Mother’s Day and Ah ma’s birthday are coming!

no work tomorrow, 2 days of refreshments!

i’m worrying about graduation ceremony. i dont know if i should go.

i’m feeling beat, bored, sad, angry, excited, depressed, and useless all at once. my eyes hurt, i think it’s lacking in oxygen due to over 12 hours usage of lens from monday to wednesday, and from staring at the blinking screen in those hours. i’ve typed up 2342314142 pieces of frigging appeals today - okay thats exaggerating - but it was closed. ended up i didnt get to finish cos chris piled me with somemore and i think tomorrow morning i will finish it off. the guys at work were great, just that i think i’m weird cos the more people nag, scold or tease me, the more i got the urge to giggle and smile. boy, i must be mad. lunch was good, fish soup i loved. so far, i liked my job, but tomorrow we got a meeting and it sounds pretty scary. i’m feeling worried about the interview on friday, i hope it will turn out good. i hope we will win, despite the slimmed chances that we have. i really really hope that my guardian angel’s looking over me now. please give all the best to my Mum, i pray.

i’m sinned for killing trees by wasting this whole stack of good paper today. whoops.

tomorrow and the days after would be better, i would make sure of that. i love my people.

"Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Now believe it can come true. You will never know when the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you are wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it, with all your heart."

it’s been a happy happy week. i’ve never knew working could bring so much joy and experiences. i’m learning something new everyday, and though i got teased and get called "cannot make it" five times a day, but amazingly, i’m still rather happy.

despite that the fact that i have to key and check up hundreds (okay im exaggerating here :D) of ICs a day,
despite the fact that whatever that comes out of my mouth arent always something intelligent and most of the times undelibrately funny and dont make any sense,
despite the fact that i never interact with any girls,
despite the fact that the pay is bloody darn low,
despite the fact that i have to wake up at 549am everyday,
despite the fact that i’m always brooding over what to wear for the next day,

i’m actually excited about everything. picking out outfits, entering data, snatching papers out of people’s fingertips, enjoying my window seat with views of the carpark, high-rise buildings that i drooled about working, and workers doing construction work. about what to have for lunch, where to eat, finding places in the overly-packed coffee shops, crossing those lengthy roads, swinging our passes, riding the lifts, clacking around the office in my heels, having people coming by my seat to talk to me, and a temp staff who’s leaving soon treat us to cupcakes today! even the parts whereby i got teased, laughed and insulted at was pleasantly enjoyable. i had lost the number of times that i laughed today :)

it had been a good week! and here i sat, drinking my leftover honey milk tea from yesterday, feeling strangely contented. i dont mind this feeling staying for a while; i really could get used to this.

i’m so tired, tired, tired.
i feel like sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

my eyes are dry and slightly milky and i still have 3 more days to go before i could called it a rest. there’s this really nice hollister top that i feel like buying but it’s over 30 bucks and thats worth a consideration doesnt it? today at work, i learnt loads of stuff. firstly, i learnt the faster way to level 10. i missed my way when trying to change the lifts and as a result, i turned up 15 minutes late at the office. i went up and down the building twice, trying to find the mystery door that might just pop up, but in the end, it was a nice lady who helped me :) okay, so i got laughed and teased at for being so blur but well, i had my fun. within only 2 days of knowing me, Z was telling me that he knows my kind of personality already: blur, directionless, forgetful, oblivious, and the most @#$#@$@# of all, - short. it’s kinda insulting cos thats almost how people would describe me. but i only know him for two days. just two, hello.

today was a good day cos i talked to the stranger boy and his friend beside me :) turns out that we’re the same age and he is pretty nice.. just that i’m not sure if i hasnt borrowed his newspapers, would he talked to me or not. but he was very friendly when lending me :), so i’m feeling blessed again! also, though i was sweaty, the sweat didnt seep through my dress :) today, i managed to type 3 enquiries emails and it’s a pretty good experience. a simple job it may seem, but i’m learning :) i will continue to make mistakes, i’m sure, but i’m learning new things every second and that’s feeling rather awesome today.

oh i didnt mention, but on my first day, i was shocked to see that B working there too! haha, this is so random.

Happiness is..

♥ having a blessed moment! though it only lasts a few minutes.

one word that would describe my day purrfectly is: utter utter boredom. okay that’s 3 words but anyway, it’s truly how bored i was. however, i’m determined to be a survivor throughout these 3 months and may things improve each and everyday! maybe i should start speaking to the stranger boy sitting next to me tomorrow. that will be a tiny start! maybe, i’m not too keen.

but today is a blessed day cos i give up my seat for someone who needs it more than i do. hey, it’s a pretty good feeling!

gotta get myself perked up for lunching with my 4 new guy partners tomorrow :) lets hope for the best!

a bank statement never lies and mine is telling me that i am overspending wayyyyyy wayyyyyy wayyyyy too much this month. i feel like killing myself. i think i have bought like, over 10 items?

i think i’m crazy. 
i think i need to call a helpline. 

today feels like a suffering day cos for once, i dont know what to do, where to lay my feet on, what to put my hands in. in the end, i had these yummy chocolate muffins with white icing from delifrance, maikai and a glass of apple juice. i made flower tea too and it taste.. like a flower tea. just that i put my cup inside the fridge for 2 hours before drinking it. after that, i slacked around with my 3 books and toss and turn in my brother’s bed. that’s how useless and helpless i’m feeling today. somehow, i think this is one of the reason why i’ve been shopping till i am dropping - that i’m tooo muchhh boreddd. part of me cant wait for work to commerce, while part of me arent looking forward to it much, and speaking of my job, i need to go out and get some work pants actually. and i need to go cut my hair at Lass. but i’m too much bored and lazy. oh somebody push me please. i need a life. yesyesyes, say that again.

dinner was lip-smacking fantastic. i love hot chicken soup and bak kwa. aww i’m hungry again right now. chocolate muffins, anyone? it makes people happy. however, it’s not exactly working right now.

for the briefest moment just now, it feels like he’s coming back home. so, so starkingly real.
i got a message saved in my handphone that goes:

Poppidz -
Coming home.

i cant bring myself to delete it. even though it doesnt actually comes from him.. i just cant bear to. you know, i love you.

In life, there’s only one certainity. And that is death itself.

though i know that i shouldnt, but i’m drinking strawberry yoghurt milk at this hour of the night. i blamed it on the corn roll that’s making my thoat dry and salty.

i’m craving for a good movie, a walk to the beach, some hearty talks, a nice meal, a haagen daazs cookies and cream ice-cream, a really good book. just suddenly, tonight feels lonely. it’s rare that the house only have Mum, bro and me, which makes everything serenely quiet. i think i need to change my handphone soon, cos mine’s acting cranky. yay i’m doing lots of mindless shopping. it’s addictive, it’s evil, it’s terrific, it’s horrible.

i want to hate you, i want to love you, and i want to be able to do both all the same. i missed you, S and J. if i allow myself to.

yesterday, i received 4 new packages in the post and today, i received 3! well, i got more coming, and this goes to show how heavy my shopping had become this month. i’m so so so so sinned. but i’m loving it heh heh heh heh. mum have been warning me since cny not to buy too many clothes, and the urge to shop had shrunk just when cny was over, but now, it’s backkkkkkkkkk! oh my.

i’m starting work on monday. i still think the pay a little on the low side but i’m too sick of having agencies calling me and introducing a lousy job, or a pretty good one but in a warehouse environment filled with men, thus i decided to take this job offer at the cpf board. also, the more picky i get, the less i will be able to work, i will earn even lesser and in the end, i dont have to work already. so, screwww the pay, i’m going to tell myself i will be gaining experience, tolerence and endurance and at cpf board somemore, so i should be glad and happy. plus the location got a quite wide range of food! :) be satisfied, girl. but no matter how positive i’m sounding, i still feel a teeny bit sulky hahahaha. oh, shut up adeline.

-

there’s some mother-sister conflict stirring in the air tonight. as we’re family, i dont know and dont want to take any sides. let’s hope things will get better tomorrow soon.

Happiness Is..

♥ lugging back three new books from the library! ohhh, my favourite library :)

yay today smells and feels like sunshine day!
i have to go out but before i do so, i have to sweep and mop the floor!

but either way, i’m so lazy lahhhhhhhhhh. :D it’s a good day to start feeling happy! x)

P.S. chipster hot & spicy is nice! but it’s spicy x10!

this layout looks screwed, and i cant believe i’ve spent 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours right now, trying to make it right. the background is horrendous, pardon it while i think of a better one, oh the sidebar looks terrible too, pretend you didnt see it! i’m not sure if the whole layout will look ugly on other computers or laptops, but i will check it out soon. i got this feeling that it’s horribleeeeee but ugh, i had enough. but i kind of like how it’s looking on my screen :)

baby xavier is at my feet right now, snuggling to a deep sleep! his parents are off to the hospital to visit xavier’s grandpa and i doubt they will come home right after that. today, my phone rang constantly, and i think i’m finally getting employed.. somehow. but since it’s not final yet, we shall see tomorrow.

i found this totally cool website that just might primped me up to become a much more positive person :D i think i should start the same practice here, so i wont be so gloomy and sad everytime! i need reminders.

today, Happiness is..

♥ finally finding my place somewhere - a new job! :)
♥ i took 2 trips of my favourite bus rides, listening to my favourite music. what could get better than this? i’m moving on, at the very least!

i’m so tired i wish to go back to sleep, but i cant. mundane tasks at hand. xxx the call that woke me up at 9 freaking am. but ha, i’m not really complaining, dont get me wrong :) off to town i go!

i had a dream, and my heart, somehow, aches. even if it’s only a dream, it still feels starkingly real. i dont want you to fall for her, please tell me you have your eyes for only me.

but who am i kidding. psst, i miss you! can we be together — who am i kidding again.

that i would be good even if i do nothing
that i would be good even if i got thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good if i gained ten pounds
that i would be good even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good even if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be good even if i was no longer queen
that i would be loved even if i numbed myself
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost my sanity
that i would be good
even with or without you

in the end, i decided that i cant live with a 500 bucks salary per month, so i’m not going back to LS. call me picky, fussy, whatever. even i myself am driving myself crazy hahaha. the interview went okay today, but i’m not impressed with the job scope; it sounds like school, really. with projects and teams and such. come on, i just want a plain old boring admin job - is that so hard? the place was really hard to find at first, but thank goodness for Mr Taxi Driver and a nice security guard, i managed to make my way there on time :)

well, just like i’m not impressed, i dont sound impressive either. i doubt he will call me back but we shall see if Lady Luck is at my side today :) i have this feeling that i got more interviews to go before i find my place. and of cos, it’s not about me being picky either, it’s more like, if someone wanna employed me. judging by my luck so far, i doubt i’m very employable haha. but hey, this is my first interview ever since LS okay, giving me a break would be nice!.. (excuses, excuses)

so, tomorrow i will be home again, sending out emails with my resume attached and with a hopeful look on my face. someone please employ me!!!!

-

i pray that Jas’s father-in-law would be able to overcome this critical period. he’s at the hospital right now, so please pray that he stay strong. i’ve realized how priceless health truly is. above everything else, it’s very important to keep your immune system up and stay away from oily food, exercise every week - but boy, who am i kidding, knowing and saying is completely different from actually doing.

well, as a start, i need to start drinking up jugs of water.

i still miss you plenty.

i’m awake cos i cant get back to sleep for the fear of over-sleeping. just a few minutes ago, i was in this frenzy fit cos I COULDNT FIND MY O LEVELS CERT INSIDE MY PORTFOILIO. you can imagine how white i turned into as i started flipping around like a crazy nut and, as a result, got into this sneezing fit due to the dust flying around. it’s really really very scary to be misplacing your stuff at the very last minute. oh, just when will i ever learn to prepare things beforehand? i guess, i’m learning, a few more scares will do the trick.

yesterday, i borrowed Jas’s laptop to use, and i realized how ugly my blog looked on the screen. like, really really ugly. :( i should probably change it to a default one soon! but it looks so nice on this computer okay. i wonder why. perhaps the laptop is the older version hee.

ANYWAY
the important thing is what’s going to happen at 3 o’clock!! wish me luck!!

speaking of this, Shaz called me last night and asked if i wanna go back work.. it’s very tempting.

i totally am clueless of what i should do to keep my sister’s room clean and tidy. (okay, it’s half my room cos i’m sleeping in there, but trust me, 85% of the stuff are all hers) everytime i stepped inside, either to sleep, take some stuff, comb my hair etc, i couldnt help but feel the wave of shame washing over me as my eyes took in the it-looks-like-a-tornado-had-just-hit kind of messiness. and since, 85% of the stuff arent mine, you cant expect me to clean up the room, can you? i already did my own part in keeping my stuff inside that one pathetic cupboard that i can truly call mine, okay! (super sad i know)

then, last evening, after my aunt came, she and Mum started shifting the super big tv sitting in our room into hers, and so we got the smaller tv, which means more space to put our stuff on it! this is truly yayness! in the end, they helped to throw away some of my sister’s junk and managed to make the room looked like everything got it’s own place and i have to admit that it looks pretty good and refreshing after they had finished. at least now, the messiness had dropped to a mere 20% heeheehee. need i say more - the adults have magic!

somehow, tonight is a happy night!
somehow, i think it’s really a bad idea to apply for the ib device. number one reason being, i’m spending twice or perhaps thrice much faster than before. this is totally a bad thing as i’m jobless and incomeless but i still get hooked into visiting various websites due to mailing lists and then, buying a whole chunk of items that i just might ended up not wearing/using. it’s driving me and my bank account crazy, y’know! but what to do.. :(

but i’m feeling very contented that i feel like purring, and at the same time, i feel totally ashamed of myself. the last thing i needed right now is to be depleted of my own moolahs and resulting to chewing stale bread and drinking tap water for my meals. oh the horror! and recently, loads of friends and relatives had started questioning what i am up to now, and sadly, i have nothing amazing to tell them. sigh! what different lives we all had hahaha. that’s why i’m quite determined to secure myself a job right now! and that, will be the utmost solution to my emptying bank account :) yes, that will be my goal of the week - TO FIND A NEW JOB!

so, please, please pray that i will get the job on tuesday!

we left home at 630am in the morning and the minute we came home, i stumbled into Xavier’s bed and couldnt wake up since.. until now, heh heh heh. like every year, it’s kind of stale and boring and the relatives who went become lesser and lesser every year. in a way. it’s rather sad. but i’m not forcing myself to be nice and say that i enjoyed it every year. but it’s all for respect for my late grandma and grandpa, so shrug.

those who came were: Pa’s older brother and his wife, and his two older sisters.

see? their kids and husbands dont even bother to come.. unlike us. i couldnt help but think why they even bother. the only happy thing was, the next time i would see them, would probably be a few months later. :)

it feels like ever since Pa went away, our ties between them went away too. Pa was like, the link between us. what’s left is something much faded, weaker, and probably arent there at all if you didnt try hard enough to see.

ah, the word for this?

Perfect Strangers.

another thing i probably wont forgive was that they didnt even bother to say that they want to visit Pa at Mandai. was it so hard? it’s just one day every year, was that so hard to head down and pay respect to your only youngest brother? i dont understand.

this is truly unforgivable. and i will remember forever, you take my word for it.

you people will be sinned.

sigh! i still cant believe i would have to wake up early tomorrow..

on the other hand, why am i so lazy anyway?

anyway, i’ve just did a rose mask and it’s really really sticky..

-

hm, as much as i liked this layout, there seems to be something missing….. it’s queer. but okay, i still liked it :)

i’m constantly reminding myself that i need to be thinking on the bright side of life. i still have a long way to go from here.. but hey i’m trying.. and willing to try the very least, so - keep up the good work! you’re doing very fine..

Instead of living in the shadows of yesterday, walk in the light of today and the hope of tomorrow.

it’s time to be thinking happy, positive thoughts! ♥

the weather has been absolutely crazy; one minute, it seems determined to burn you with its hot humid air, while the very next, it wants to drown and freezes you. it’s like a weird cycle and i hated it.

i had a good sleep last night, haunted by dreams of McDonald. i need a good book, yummy food, new experiences, nice TV shows, gatherings and some hot dates soon.

i had 5 hours of utterly good sleep this afternoon, which explains how bright and awake i’m feeling right now. bright, awake and hungry.

the letter regarding the graduation ceremony came through yesterday. i’m amazed by the fact that we have to rent or buy those graduation outfits to wear! amazed cos i cant see myself in that funny square hat and flowing cloak. the thought of it is making me shudder shudder shudderrrrrrr. frankly speaking, i cant wait to get this ceremony over and done with. i know it’s suppose to be like, one if a lifetime kind of thing but i just want my diploma thank you. nothing fancy.

oh my, i need to get to sleep soon.

i’ve just came back home and i’m tired and feeling emotional at the same time, and i dont know why. to be honest, i cant stand her sometimes. why is she always like that; why is she able to make everything sounds like other people’s faults and not hers. she took everything for granted, like, yeah it’s our responsibilty to help her locate stuff that she couldnt find, yadayadayada - i wonder how long i can refrain myself from shouting at her once and for all. this few snappy comebacks that i had shot her wont be able to satisfy that lion stirring in my stomach. seriously! someone needs to teach her a lesson. she needs to learn the meaning of limits.

okay, i know i’m none too much better but compared to her, i daresay that i am indeed better.

mandai is totally packed, the swarm of cars and people and the smell of incense is overwhelming. but i like it, cos i know it’s all for Pa’s sake. Pa, i love you, you know, i forgot to tell you just now.

p.s. thanks to Gandad for bringing us down to Mandai in his car. it had been a great help.

i’m tired for the wrongest reasons. woke up early today, and i folded 6 stacks of incense paper. tomorrow, which is, technically the real today, since the clock had already strikes 12, we’re going down Mandai again. i cant wait though i would have to wake up in a few hours time.

i had concluded that i have the sweetest blood in the whole family. take a look those red itchy puffy swells on my legs! arghhhhhh.

on a slightly happier note, i got an interview :) let’s keep these fingers crossed!

i feel like puking now, no thanks to the anti-biotic pill that i had just swallowed. gah!

it’s thursday tomorrow, such a wonderment how time flies when you’re stuck with nothing major in your life. haha, yeah that’s me speaking. however, i’m not complaining cos i should enjoy while it lasts. anyway, rene gave me the number of her agent and i’m still thinking if i should call tomorrow.

i really need a job to cover my recent expenses hahahaha. if Mum knows, she’s so gonna slaughter me.

i will be a happier girl if i find myself a good-paying employer. end of story. :)

**

wanted to write more about you, but somehow, i find no words to describe.

I need a simpler and blanker layout to think but i’m too sick and tired to try to tweak one.

things are always everchanging, contradicting, unpredictable - who knows, tomorrow i might say that i need another change.

11:46pm, and here i sat, dreading the day that’s arriving just in 14 minutes time. what’s going to happen tomorrow, i asked.

somehow, it’s action time.

this morning i woke up and tried this new thing called the scandal bb cream after blotting my face. i think i love the end results of this! after several hours, my skin is glowing with this healthy look and i think part of it is thanks to my new lime secret pact :) hooray, i think skinfood is getting addictive haha ;)

right now, i’m not only jobless and schooless, and i feel almost useless. i feel like i’m wasting my time away, fretting over the university issue, not getting a definite answer, and then.. what? isnt something that could be done to salvage these difficulties, clear these doubts? cant i find a job quickly, take the initiative to tidy up the house, or simply my pig-sty of a room? why cant i make a decision in a snap and just submit the application? it’s going to be thursday which means i can collect my transcript and then, what other excuses do i have not to submit the documents?

how come i’m not doing something? i’m kind of just shrugging and letting things be. it doesnt work out like that. there must be something that i could do, something that i must do. just.. something. anything.

this wandering feeling arent good. i need someone to talk to me, to guide me out of this.

but then again, i know these uneasiness would have to pass. cos there’s no point in fretting; life’s like that. things will fall into place quickly if i believe. but now, a hug would really be good.. you know?

the world will not change for me

“也对，的确不可能
对你这个老是还没做就先放弃的人来说，是绝对不可能的
当你心里想着不可能时，你就已经输了。”

我对很多事一直耿耿于怀，但是我却忘了我现在所能做的
最重要的 首先就是 — 不可以向自己认输

today was almost a perfect day.. until the sky chosen the moment in which i was crossing the lengthy roads of Orchard Road to start flicking big, heavy drops or rain onto the black ground.. and onto me. within seconds, these heavy droplets morphed into sheets of dirty water.. and i was tempted to flick out my tongue and taste it hahahaha. but darn i was caught in the downpour as everybody dashes for the shelter. but i’m happy cos the reason i stepped of Wisma and into the rain, was to get my Mango belt :) and i got it yay!

you know what, i really and completely understands how a sales girl would to feel if a demanding customer, aka me, asked to have a new piece changed to another new one due to a small teeny weeny flaw. it happens so many gazillions times to me when i was working in LS! but who cares heeheehee, i’m the customer now! i was apologetic okay. but it’s true when they say customer is always right. plus i cant stand visible flaws on something new. it’s funny somehow, when you put yourself in other people’s shoes and positions, you probably could have understood how they felt.

so, it’s pretty important to think in other shoes sometimes! :)

another thing, i bought so much stuff today that i had swiped my NETS at least six times. it’s such a real guilty pleasure. i’m pleased, but at the same time, completely horrified. what do i think i am? filthy rich? it’s also very important that i learned how to control and curb my spendings!

for three days in a row, my feet had pounded the streets of Bugis, Orchard and PS. i’m proud to say that my poor feet is aching terribly - even now - and i would really love a free foot massage.

**

after weighing the pros and cons, my decision hovers, and the fact that i still am in very much doubt of myself and my capabilities are the barriers to the success that could have been mine.

i had a long day today and i’m sleepy right now!

retail therapy is always damn fantastic though i came home with just a brand new tube of lipice balm :) i’ve received my two new tubes of mascara this week and that makes me very happy too. shopping is really spuning me to want to work hard to score a good-paying job so i can buy whatever stuff i liked hahahaha - but of cos, life is so much more besides shopping and spending :) but i’m a girl, and shopping is my weakness… ! heh.

my aunts, ah ma, and mummy cooked nasi lemak today. it was fantastic! kudos to my talented family! ♥♥♥

p.s. i love Vaseline’s range of moisturiser! have been using it for 2 days now and let’s pray my legs and hands will become smoother hahaha :D and i’m smelling soooo good!

i’m finally home at 9pm with aching feet and dry, blinking eyes. tomorrow might be shopping day and i already got a few things in mind what i have to get. aunts and cousins are going to come tomorrow to have a cooking feast but i will be back for dinner. :) on sunday, we’re going for high tea! omg, i’m just so excited. and on monday, i’m going for the interview. sigh! let’s pray and hope that it’s all good.

-

i had a talk with my aunt. i have to say now, that i’m growing more and more confidence about my choice. it’s the right choice. just suck it in and work it out.

i’m quite sure which would be my choice already. the feeling’s great. :) rather, rather great.

-

anyway, i was thinking just now, life is all too short to be spending 1/3 of it studying like hell. agree?

thursday, somehow, this day feels very complicated. i had a nightmare. i dreamt of someone i never want to see again. stupidly enough, i hasnt been thinking about him. what makes my sub-consciousness decides to develop this particular dream in my cloudy head - i just have no idea. and it kind of made today feel rather sour. i’m so easily affected, it disgusts me.

tomorrow is friday, and it’s a Good Friday at it. i’m rather happy that i have something planned for tomorrow :)

i’m chatting with someone i hasnt been keeping in touch with since months ago. the power of MSN! but it’s good to say, we’ll kind of be entering the same phase together. soon. but of cos, he’s way way wayyyy smarter than me. and yeah, not to mentioned, he knows what he wants, and he knows how to get it. two very important attributes in which i totally, miserably, and unfortunately, lacked. it really sounds pitiful sometimes. i’m seeing all sorts of my friends growing up in all sorts of better ways, striving to achieve something that would do good for their future next time. i’m seeing them make important decisions, arguing over matters like which is the best for them and such, giving me the same advices they’re giving themselves. it’s like, a click, and they know - what, which, how, why. i’m highly envious and jealous of these inspiring attitudes.

i lacked such a commitment. hey, i dont even have a commitment.

i supposed a change in an environment is always good. changes might make us feel better, teach us something, mould us.. and there i was, yesterday, ever so sure of myself. remember i was saying i want to enrol into UOL, i was really pretty sure. then the someone speaks up now and the reason for the choice seems so small, tiny.. and you just wavered. you just seems more uncertain than ever. the walls building around that particular choice crumbles and collapses, and everything standing inside those walls shakes and weakens.

somehow, i dont want to hear anymore stuff that will affect my choice, my decision. but here i go again, wanting to hear more, wanting to make myself waver and hear myself say, ‘OK, i change my mind.’

this is seriously frustrating. maybe i should just forget the whole thing. just look for a job and bury myself in.

i think one of the top reasons why i’m feeling rather cranky today is due to this cranky weather. it’s like, what - 40 degrees out there?! the house feels exactly like a pot cooking over fire. i was rushing off to bathe just now and the relief of having water pouring down your body is so damn refreshing. i loved showers!..

another thing is, i realized my sister is really really quite crazy sometimes. funnily enough, in alot of aspects, she has opinions of her own. it’s like, snap, she knows what exactly she wants, she knows alot of things and she is a real society woman. but in other small areas, she have none of these and keep asking questions of how/will anot/why/wont hor/really hor etc etc. yeah.. as much as she is a dear sister to me, and as much as we are in fact, blood sisters, sometimes i can only shook my head at the irony that how come such a decisive and knowledgeable woman can be quite this annoying at times. i guessed, that’s cos everyone has a weakness, a vulnerability or a bad point. and this is her weakness, her vulnerability, her bad point.

and i will just have to train myself to be more patient.

.. but of cos, i totally respect the way she makes decisions regarding important issues. it’s like, slam, bang, bong - she knows what she wants. but of cos when it comes to small decisions like, ‘does this shorts match with that top’ or ‘will my slippers be broken if i wear too often’ or ‘it wont so easily spoil one la hor..’, she is totally indecisive one.

such irony!

and we are completely opposites.

the time reads 1:46am

still awake, still thinking, still troubling, still worrying. perhaps i’m really that weak.

i had lengthy chats with 3 friends on this particular wednesday. at around 1pm, i was happily shaking my legs and thinking that i really need to go sweep the floor when i received a call from a friend asking me to go apply for a transcript so that the uni application can be processed when i submit it. it’s like, heck! i didnt know i need a copy of my transcript. we didnt know. so in this raining cats and dogs and dreary weather, while people are snuggling into the comfort of their shelters, i have to brave that awful rain and dropped by TP to apply for this transcript. and it cost $10.20  can you believe! just for a piece of filmsy paper that i will soon received in my post. and 5 working days mind you!! aargh.

then, i was back at 6 plus and in Jes’s room.

.. and the discussion with almost everybody had just ended and i know i want UOL.

just wondering if i should drop by SIM on thurday. which is, TODAY.

i had filled the application both online and paper today. it’s just one more button to be clicked.

hang on.. you’re getting there.. nearly there..